Teh Funny! It Burnsss, Preciousss! It Burnsss!

I’m not sure why he did it, but it appears that sometime in the past few days, Stephen Colbert decided to bite Doug “In My Heart I Know I’m Funny” Giles in the ass.

Observers report that Giles’ ass was also host to the denture imprints of Jon Stewart, David Letterman, Carlos Mencia, Dave Chappelle and Bill Maher. Letterman’s bite marks were by far the faintest, more of a geriatric love nibble than a chomp. Also perplexing was the presence of Mencia at the Doug Giles’ ass feeding frenzy, as he has neither teeth nor any track record of biting.

But having been bitten by teh liberal funny, Giles does what any sane conservative would do in his situation – innoculates himself against any future outbreaks:

Why can’t conservatives get their comedic act together? The liberals, on a 24/7 basis, are tossing us soft balls that we should be driving out of the park in a humorous, prime time, way. It’s so easy it’s stupid. All we have to do is just read the crap that the left does, out loud, and it’s hilarious.

Indeed. If by ‘hilarious’, you mean perfectly suited for use in the Ludovico Technique.

Giles continues:

We don’t even have to be that imaginative and try to develop quips, as they provide an endless supply of ammunition.

So there you have it, folks. The Giles formula for comedic success: Don’t be imaginative or try to develop quips. You heard the man, wingnut comedy stylists – on your marks, get set … GO!

[And they’re off! The Townhall Wingnut Funny 500 is underway! It’s Mike Adams out of the gate fast with a pointless bit of race-baiting … and folks, will you look at this! Starting well back in the grid, Rich Galen has roared into the early lead with a stunningly unimaginative reprisal of long left-for-dead Prince jokes! But can he stay in front for long with the likes of Jonah Goldberg and Ann Coulter biding their time, waiting for the right opportunity to strike? Etc., etc., git-er-done, why did the tactical nuke cross the demilitarized zone?, etc., blechhh … cut to: And it’s a dead heat as the entire wingnutosphere finishes first in the race to be as unfunny as possible!]

Deciding that conservatives eschew comedy because they have “become nicer than Christ” (Yeah! Ha! Uh, wuzza?) Giles really ratchets up the knee-slappery:

From Hollywood to the Hill, the Left and those who lean that way, do more psychotic stuff than my one-eyed uncle Joe does on a three day weekend binge when he’s all liquored up. They are a MadTV, SNL and HBO Special waiting to happen. There has to be some conservative capital lying around that can be earmarked to gather no holds barred comedians to paper shred these little darlings on TV and in film.

I’m guessing Giles doesn’t really have a one-eyed uncle Joe. That’s why it’s so darn funny! And earmarks? FUCKING COMEDY GOLD!

Anyway, carry on:

“So why don’t conservatives crank out comedians?”

Why, Doug?

1. Conservatives, obviously, don’t think comedy is important. … 2. We spit out lame comedians. … 3. We’re too serious.

Oh. That would seem to be a bit of a problem.

But chin up, Doug! There’s always alliteration and pee jokes:

With our War with whacked out Islam and our ideological battle with the Secularists who whiz on traditional American values, the conservative can become a sober and somber person, which is understandable.

Whocka Whocka Whocka!


Comments: 40


Isn’t it wakka wakka wakka?


Wait! Are you trying to tell me Michelle Malkin isn’t satire?


Conservatives must have a sense of humor. I mean, remember Hindrocket’s statement that Bush was a genius unappreciated in his time? That was frickin’ hilarious!


> It’s Mike Adams out of the gate fast with a pointless bit of race-baiting.

Race-baiting, yes. But timely, too:

“(Author’s note: UNC-Wilmington’s Women’s Resource Center “celebratedâ€? the 34th anniversary of Roe. There are rumors that they jammed scissors into the skulls of 48 baby dolls while singing Alanis Morissette, but, unfortunately, the rumors cannot be confirmed)”

Not to mention tasteful.

Smiling Mortician

What’s wrong with us? We’ve become nicer than Christ.

Yeah, Doug. Because “not funny” really does equal “nice.” Also, I anxiously await the backlash from the evangelicals for this bastardized John Lennon moment.


There are all kinds of funny but most comedy is inherently subversive.

When an underdog gets away with making the powerful look ridiculous there’s a chance you might see Teh Funny; when the powerful humiliate the underdog and get away its called ‘Real Life’ and that shit ain’t funny.

Sorry Wingnuts. You can be funny, or you can be servile prostate polishers for dimwit aristocrats and fat cats, but you can’t ever be both.


• How many of the 75,000 ticket holders and 1.3 gazillion television viewers, do you think, can name even one song by &*$%(!@?

• Zero, would be the answer to that.

• Prince. Maybe Obama should adopt “When Doves Cry� as his campaign anthem.

Rich Galen truly is an exceptional man, Prince fan.


And Christ was a pussy! Hangin’ out with hookers, ministering to the poor, advocating the separation of church and state, makin’ time with zombies

Scratch that. I’ll bet Jesus was pretty fucking funny.


He says we’ve got the sluts AND the skanky hos? Sounds like somebody’s a little jealous…


Michael Moore is fat! Rosalie is a lez! Comedy gold.


I think you are being getting packet pressies from Poland or somewhere again.

In other words (not mine, it was someone’s comment from yesterday):

site is borken.

Aux barricades!


Isn’t this, basically, an admission that the right’s sense of humour, such as it is, entirely revolves around being mean to people? Y’know, perhaps that’s their problem?


my one-eyed uncle Joe

You say relative, I say euphemism for his thingy. Used affectionately during intimate moments. When he is alone with it.


I think we can all guess what his one-eyed uncle Joe did on a three day weekend binge when he was all liquored up, can’t we? Probably has something to do with his farts being silent.


Also, it occurs to me that Giles’s ass has been host to much more than dentures. I’m thinking ben-wa balls, as well.


You’re forgetting that great conservative practical joke, otherwise known as the Iraq war. Now that’s hilarious. It’s just like “M*A*S*H,” except that instead of Hawkeye drinking martinis we have kids getting blown up. Record deficits and global warming are pretty darn funny too. Hehâ„¢. What a bunch of kidders.


Did you catch the first comment on Rich Galen’s column? The Superbowl teams both had black coaches so for the sake of political correctness the organizers had to pick a black entertainer.

That’s right — Colts and Bears won their respective play-off games on what, Jan. 21? And that’s when the half-time show producers picked up the phone and said “Prince, you doing anything two weeks from now? Because we need a headliner.”

Now that’s comedy gold.


What he completely fails to realise (and I can’t be bothered registering at Townhall to let him know) is that satire in particular is exclusively, unavoidably a tool of the underdog. The rich and powerful doing the same thing in return is classed under “adding insult to injury”. No way around it. Also, the rich and powerful just ain’t funny, because those who are funny can laugh at themselves, and those who can laugh at themselves don’t tend to become conservatives.


My favorite bit in Rich Galen’s column is the weird bulletpoint where all he says, apropos of nothing, is “What.”

What? No. What. What?

Gah! Stop fucking with my head, Rich Galen!


Oh, and MaryC – the best part of that Verbivore comment about the black coaches ergo black entertainer?

That he wraps it up with: “Didn’t someone give a speech a long time ago about not being judged by the color of your skin….?”

In other words, how dare the crazy strawmen of my fevered imagination defy Martin Luther King by theoretically doing wacky stuff I totally just made up? The nerve!


Here’s a hint: If Carlos Mencia is funnier than you, then just stop trying. If not for those around you, than for yourself.

Meg: I want to watch “Mind of Mencia”
Chris: That show just reenforces the stereotype that Carlos Mencia is actually funny.


My favorite bit in Rich Galen’s column is the weird bulletpoint where all he says, apropos of nothing, is “What.�

What? No. What. What?

That’s right. He told you what, I’ll tell you what.


AshPlant! Were you in my “History of Comedy” class? I was gonna say that.

I made the same basic comment at WoC:
Comedy tends to work best when it skewers the powerful, the rich, the entitled, etc. To most people, making fun of the poor, the sick, the injured, and similar folks is kind of like kicking a starving puppy for humor: uncomfortable and pathetic. (�Hey! Why do poor people smell so bad? Because they don’t have whirlpool tubs in their cardboard boxes! Hahahaha! Genius!�)

Of course, I need to amend that, in Giles case:
To most peope who are not sociopathic egomaniacs totally lacking in empathy, making fun of people who are disadvantaged is uncomfortable.

To Douggie Howzat, it’s firetrucking HIGH-larious!


The first time I ever saw the Drug-Addled Gasbag Limbaugh’s tv show back in 92 (I think?) I laughed my ass off. Of course it was a parody show! I watched it nightly for a week or so until I told my brother about it and he “enlightened” my FemiNazi Self.


Can satire actually be accomplished by the smug and those with endless feelings of entitlement? I always thought satire, and the farce tend to, you know, mock the front-runner because (a) it’s really fucking easy, what with the endless material, and (b) most people like to snicker at the buffoon who thinks he is above the rest of us.

Ultimately it comes down to:

Stewart making fun of Cheney = inherently funny.

Dennis Miller making fun of global warming proponents = some conversation you overheared at your grandparents’ country club.


Shelley, it’s certainly en-LIGHTEN-ing to get such a turgid monkey off of one’s back (or retinas, as it were).


Wait, Carlos Mencia is a comedian?
….. Really? You’re positive?
Damn. I thought he was the super from my old building given a public access show to spew anger and bigotry.

There’s countless reasons why the right can’t be funny, but the one I find most important is that part of comedy is speaking “forbidden” truth, something that’s usually impolite to say. Wingnuts’ forbidden truths tend to involve genocide, neverending war, and the degradation of all not wearing their school’s team colors. Those things tend not to be funny, not when you mean them. It’s like a jock I knew in high school who thought the best comeback to any slight was to say “shut up or I’ll rape you”.
Also, as we’ve established before, you need self-awareness to be funny. The first wingnut to develop self awareness should be captured and used in a breeding program, as it’s an important gene their species seems to utterly lack.


Liberals also said a conservative could never make it to the top of a top thirty hits list. In 2005, I proved them wrong, remaining humble through it all.

Liberals also said a conservative song as a pre-emptive strike to Neil Young’s Impeach the President would never reach the top of USA Today’s Songs of the Times. I proved them wrong, still remaining humble, though arguably a little less so.

After musical purist pundits, garage band haters, and members of the liberal “elite” superciliously ridiculed that same song and disdainfully dismissing it, and after they swore it would never end up anywhere, let alone on the top ten of Blogcritics Best Records of 2006 list, I proved them wrong, still remaining ever so humble, yet not quite as humble as the time before that. Underestimate us again, please. It is literally music to my ears!


Funny people don’t have to try.
If you have to try, it won’t be funny.


I think Molly Ivins said it best, and I wish I could find the quote. Mocking the strong and privileged is often funny. Mocking the weak and opressed is mean.
The wingnuts and Mencia mock the weak and opressed.


Mocking is mocking, bewilderness, and people are people. We all have feelings.


How true, I can see now how a blind beggar on the street mocking Bush’s compassionate conservatism would be just as mean as Bush mocking the blind reporter. And funny too.


Thank you kind Fury person.

Satire is a weapon, and it can be quite cruel. It has historically been the weapon of powerless people aimed at the powerful. When you use satire against powerless people, as Limbaugh does, it is not only cruel, it’s profoundly vulgar. It is like kicking a cripple.
Molly Ivins


Shelley said,

February 6, 2007 at 23:29

The first time I ever saw the Drug-Addled Gasbag Limbaugh’s tv show back in 92 (I think?) I laughed my ass off. Of course it was a parody show! I watched it nightly for a week or so until I told my brother about it and he “enlightened� my FemiNazi Self.

My goodness, you predicted Colbert 15 years too soon. Excellent. Was it . . . the windowpane?


Sheesh, one good review and the clown acts like he won something.


“It burns, precious, it burns”? Get you movie quotes right! Either reference Lord of the Rings OR The Excorcist, don’t go mashing ’em all together like that!


Damn, every time I’ve tried to post here in the last two days, the comments have been fragmentary … no doubt due to frickin’ Polska spammers hiring themselves out to wingnut script infants.

And I am disappointed – 40 comments in and nobody has brought up the classic blowhard non-funny quote: “If it bends, it’s funny. If it breaks – it’s not funny.”

Interspersed, of course, with jump cuts to a jackass braying and Triumph of the Will…


What. What?
Second base.

One-eyed Uncle Joe
“And there’s Uncle Joe / He’s a-movin’ kind of slow / at the Junction. / (Petticoat / Junction)”

When an underdog gets away with making the powerful look ridiculous there’s a chance you might see Teh Funny; when the powerful humiliate the underdog and get away its called ‘Real Life’ and that shit ain’t funny.

On the contrary, I think that almost 30% of the country, according to recent polls, would find that funny as hell and laugh so much they drop their Cuban cigars in their laps and have to have the Boy come over and clean them up.


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