Why’s P.J. O’Rourke not on the list of funny conservatives?

One of these days you’re going to post a video that I can watch for more than 10 seconds without feeling compelled to purify my computer in a blast furnace.

God. Seven minutes? I made it through seven seconds. Does it ever even remotely approach funny?

PS DAS: PJ O’Rourke hasn’t been funny since the year I was born.

Is Doug overcompensating a wee bit with that photo or what? How many more macho mountain man cliche’s could we have buttered & squeezed into the frame there? Real men wear flannel, wander in the woods with dogs, accessorize with guns…and dream silently of the love that dare not speak its name…

What’s with the right wing and their obsession with flatulence jokes. First Bush, now this gay, er guy….

It’s NOt funny!

…his tousled hair, his unbuttoned shirt, his moustache…totally ungay.

why are 3 dykes sitting at a table with george bush coffe mugs talking about the joys of walmart?
Where is the funny part?

even the dog look ungay.

Sigh. The Left slays Mr. and Mrs. Conservative. Mr. and Mrs. Conservative must be content with only slaying Iraqis and US servicement and women serving in Iraq.

Did they really say that “mom and pop” stores send half of their profits from “rotten oranges” to Hezbollah?

…

Ok, now THAT’s funny.

I know I’m not supposed to say this as a conservative and as a Christian, but Steve Colbert, John Stewart, David Letterman, Carlos Mencia, Dave Chappelle and Bill Maher are funny hombres.

Carlos Mencia is now a member of the liberal comedy elite? I step out for one minute, and now the whole vast conspiracy is shot to hell.

To quote a greater intellect than my own, my ass bleeds with sadness when I watch this codswallop. Please make it stop!!!

“One million bucks, please.”

Wait, you didn’t think that Giles quote was funny? Now, if you had said deliberately funny, OK. But you didn’t. And that shit was funny.

Jesus, these women suck. Zero observational skills. Zero writing skills. Zero performing skills. On balance, I think it would be funnier (and less painful) to watch some demented circus clown fashion balloon animals out of my living colon.

Yeesh, he’s even got farts wrong.

Especially, when it’s yours and it’s silent.

No, especially when it’s the priest at your sister’s wedding, and it’s loud.

These women are living testament to the dangers of heterosexual hairdressers.

Beautiful dog. Must be the afterglow. Spot looks like he’d love to roll over and have a cigarette.

“Carolos Mencia” isn’t funny, unless you count repeating dud punchlines at increasingly shriller volumes as funny until a crowd full of drunken yuppie blockheads starts chuckling (see also, Dane Cook). I also don’t see how in the hell you can count anything “Mencia”, the man who told Arab-Americans to just suck it up and take all the abuse “real Americans” give them. Maybe it’s because he plays a Hispanic-type person on TV, I dunno.

One million bucks, please.

Slow down. Before I take out the checkbook, his fart analogy needs more analysis. Is he saying that liberal comedians are especially funny when they’re his comedians and silent? Is that maybe not supposed to make sense? There may be some alternative, Adult Swim-style comedy going on here that no one has gotten yet.

Ive that shit before, there’s no fuckin way I’m clicking on that vid.

“Maybe they’re not happing working at Wal-Mart because they’re not happy working.”

Yeah. That must be it.

Er. “happy” not “happing.” Sorry.

You know what’s funny? A manly man’s man who “ministers” at hotels that cater to lonely businessmen, that’s what. (Note to self: punchline must include Gideon bibles and keybumps of meth.)

I watched a few minutes of that Dane Cook special on HBO, you know, to keep my MySpace cred intact, and I kept waiting for a punchline. Or the semblence of a joke. Or anything approaching the elemental dynamics of humor (he was ranting about an athesist he like totally ranked on, dude!). Hmmmm….I think we have a conservative comedian Douggie missed.

The Giles column warrants TWO different posts??!

I guess teh “conservative” funny just rubbed ya’ll the wrong way.

People who celebrate war, mass murder, torture, and the erosion of the constitution can’t do stand up.

what’s weird is that there ARE funny conservative writers in hollywood, but what that means is a) they write funny and b) they are conservative politically. what it doesn’t mean is that they write funny conservative political stuff.

perhaps this is because conservatism hasn’t been very funny since at least goldwater.

> When an underdog gets away with making the powerful look
> ridiculous there’s a chance you might see Teh Funny; when
> the powerful humiliate the underdog and get away its
> called ‘Real Life’ and that shit ain’t funny.

And also, the rightard wingnuts take nothing seriously (which has always been true) and, in a more recent development, have begun to occasionally wear it as a badge of honor. (e.g., they don’t take Our Troops seriously except in garish displays of “patriotism”, so it isn’t exactly something they’ll squeal out in mixed company.)

And if you take nothing seriously, nothing can ever be gutbusting funny – except for the aforementioned kicking of puppies and homeless people. At times, I feel genuine pity.

As for funny wingers, Bob Dole can be mighty entertaining when he’s off the clock as partisan attack dog (hello, ’04 election). Impeccable timing and delivery – much more there than just the smarmy “charm and wit” that passes for the real thing on the DC cocktail-weenie circuit.

Hey Gavin you’re a funny hombre.

“The Giles column warrants TWO different posts??!”

Dude, they could do 30 part series on this shit and it’d still be funny.

Incidentally, Stephen Colbert teaches Sunday school. I don’t know where I’m going with mentioning that, exactly, except to say the implication that he’s on the side of Satan is, well, maybe a little uncharitable, in the Christian and un- senses, of Ungaylord McNotGayington Mimbosmith.

God gawd almighty. I could stand the Public Access production values if any one of those women could recite a line without sounding like an extra from my sixth grade’s production of Jeremy’s Christmas. They are so embarrassing.

(Oh, and, uh–Julia? $30? You paid too much.)

PS

>>I think it would be funnier (and less painful) to watch some demented circus clown fashion balloon animals out of my living colon.

Now that is funny!

re: the embedded video…I’ve seen Handycammed middle school plays that have better production values. What’s with this winger that she’s got no access to any of that sweet, poisonous wingnut welfare?

re: Dennis Miller…he used to be funny. I remember it, though that could just be my memory playing tricks on me. Is it just that, when you’re a conservative, trying to be conservatively funny, there’s just no decent material?

That video’s like one of Giles’ farts, except it’s not silent or funny.

He forgot Larry The Cable Guy! He’s gotta be the most popular comic among conservatives, and he totally blows. You know you’re dealing with a real fucking moron when you’ve got a Larry The Cable Guy fan on your hands. Take a look at a Larry The Cable Guy audience, and you will see the Modern Conservative Movement in all its natural glory.

I gotta give it to Larry, though– he truly does have an impressive array of fart jokes, if you’re into that sort of thing.

So, to recap:
Dennis Miller – Not funny, career over.
Larry The Cable Guy – Popular but profoundly unfunny.
P.J. O’Rourke – Lame. Career over.
Brad Stine – Who?
Julie Gorin – Who?

Congratulations, conservatives! Another thing that you guys completely suck at, kind of like how you suck at governing.

Behold the Stoner power of Saint Vitus!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQHCTT2t1lE

Cokes are being sold over there.

Oh, and, uh-Julia? $30? You paid too much.

Amen. I’m not sure how that outfit would convince anyone to shop at Wal-Mart, and it isn’t just because Julia Gorin seems to be looking more and more like Pat from SNL all the time.

Jas, the last funny thing I heard Dennis Miller say was back on MNF, when he said that Dick Vermeil cries more easily than Sylvia Plath being pepper-sprayed. Funny mainly for the reaction from the rest of the booth, which was… WTF is he talking about?

The essence of humor-“Kill wealthy Dowager.”

The essence of unhumor- The America Show

re: Dennis Miller…he used to be funny.

Wrong. Dennis Miller was NEVER funny, and was ALWAYS a smug, smarmy asshole. The only way that untalented hack can pay his bills is to collect wingnut welfare. Remember the Monday Night Football experiment, and how much he sucked? Oh, he blows, all right.

I forgot another comic who should be a darling of the conservatives: Michael Richards.

> Incidentally, Stephen Colbert teaches Sunday school. I don’t know
> where I’m going with mentioning that, exactly, except to say the
> implication that he’s on the side of Satan is, well, maybe a
> little uncharitable, in the Christian and un- senses,
> of Ungaylord McNotGayington Mimbosmith.

Stephen C. is a Roman Catholic, so with the Rapture crowd, that’s close enough to Satan to singe your eyebrows.

No, especially when it’s the priest at your sister’s wedding, and it’s loud.

C.f. (I hope I have the right book in mind) Potatoes are Cheaper (although in which case it’s a Rabbi not a Priest and the mother doesn’t have the Rabbi marry her kid for this very reason (among others).

This is fantastic. Conservative attempts at comedy: the gift that keeps on giving.

I don’t know, that girl in the centre in the ‘merka show is mildly cute in a “bend her over the trash can” way. Teh one on the left is more reminiscent of a 1970’s era Eastern European female weightlifter.

TonyRz: Good point. I’ve been in the upper midwest too long.

Dennis Miller was never funny; he was a marginally better Weekend Update host than Colin Quinn, and that was the high point of his career. His MNF stint was worse than any of the 10 seconds of Julia Gorin I’ve ever watched.

P.J. O’Rourke hasn’t been funny since Give War a Chance, unfortunately. He actually had a bit of chops for the space of about three books, which for contemporary humor is damn near a DiMaggioesque streak.

Now, see, I was thinking of Miller’s stand-up act, somewhere between Weekend Update on SNL and certainly prior to MNF. Not that I watched MNF when he was on, but I’ve heard the horror stories, I don’t need to go there.

Seriously, has anyone ever made it through an entire clip of that Julia Gorinn atrocity?

I mean, I’ve got abnormally high wingnut tolerance and it still gives me crippling heartburn after about fifteen seconds.

JK47,
You wanna know the only funny thing about Larry The Cable guy? He’s from an upper-class family in Palm Springs and has really never held any job apart from a comedian. I ranted about this at edroso’s place the other day, and I shall again. I got no qualms with the guy making up a character and running with it, even as one as insulting to its audience as Larry The Cable Guy. Hell, that was Benny Hill’s shtick. However, I really don’t get how people who are actually blue-collar workers from rural or small towns think this guy is funny, especially if they know his background. My brother calls it “redneck blackface”, though he originally applied that pejorative to art-achool suburban hipsters trying to act all trailer park at “alt-country” shows. Same concept, though: people pretendin’ to be what they ain’t and, in the process, making damn sure they never will be confused with someone who actually lives in a trailer and shops at Goodwill because he/she has no other choice.

Anyhow. Buddy of mine worked on the “Blue Collar TV” show and said all those cats were pretty decent dudes, even if they talked shit about “Hee Haw” and spent far too much time worrying about their landscapers and children’s private schools and playing golf at fancy-ass courses to really pull off anything close to “blue collar”. Hell, Ron White’s the only one who doesn’t come off as straight out the ‘burbs and he’s fairly conservative. Reckon why Giles didn’t list him. Probably because White made fun of preachers before he hit big and started doing jokes about how hard it is to tour in a big, furnished, heated bus.

Here is my theory, and it is a theory, and it is mine:

It’s horrible, that Gorin thing (every Gorin thing) because none of them are smart or talented enough to go beyond their inch-thin stereotype of liberals. In every case, THAT’s the punch-line for them, every time: a D.O.A. caricature of liberals that can never be funny because it’s entirely predictable.

They might say, Oh yeah? Well Jon Stewart’s politics are predictable, too.

Maybe. But teh funny comes from going one or two or ten steps beyond that, saying something surprising, and then making the connection back to the consensually-held values in the politics (or anything else).

All these horrible, horrible women do is invoke the consensus “analysis” of liberals and wait to be cheered. They literally don’t know what they’re doing.

miller on mnf: “Wow the hit they put on that receiver was worse than what a character gets in a Reshetnikov novel”

huh?

I wonder when it will occur to these people that there is a simple reason they’re not funny: they exist in a state of complete ideological isolation and aggressive xenophobia. They tell jokes to people with whom they utterly lack common ground and whose values they reject on principle and then wonder where all the laughter went. Further, what they do put forth as humor not only isn’t funny to people who don’t share their ideology, it’s purposefully offensive in order to help them define who they are and who isn’t included in their group.

I’m more pissed about having all of the those talented and actually liberal comedians listed next to Carlos Mencia, or as I like to call him, Larry el Cable Guy.

The fact that he’s so nonchalantly thrown in there got me to thinking. Originally, I was sure the lack of conservative humor stemmed, as many here have said, from the inherent contradiction in terms. Humor is about breaking conventions, the unexpected, juxtapositions of power…their whole concept, their fucking name, is contrary to those concepts.

But maybe it’s the other way around. The inclusion of Carlos Mencia on a list of people who are funny, or as justme brought up, the inability to even come close to explaining why farts are funny, makes me think that perhaps conservatives are people who happen to missing the part of their brains that understands humor (or art, for that matter). These are the people who are rooting for (if not the physical embodiments of) the Buck Turgidsons, Dean Wormers, Biff Tannens and Shooter McGavins of the real world…they are never going to realize that humor, at it’s very core, depends on their comeuppance. If you don’t or can’t understand that these archetypes are villains, why would your politics be anything but conservative?

i must add though, Dan Riehl is a conservative comedian extraordinnaire

i know i laugh at most of his postings

Giles is lacking in perspective and critical thinking abilities, which is probably why most of the conservatives can’t do the joke thing. But to say that conservatives are not funny is just plain incorrect. It turns out they are funny in the same way that clowns are funny; you laugh at them, not with them.

Indecently, libertarians are funny in the same way that mimes are funny. They aren’t. They are just kind of annoying and make you think to yourself what went wrong in their childhood. Possibly they were only children?

This is so bad it’s actually good. As much as I don’t want it to happen, I can see this taking off just for how ridiculous it is. Think about Anna Nicole…Dog the Bounty Hunter, etc…people who are crazy enough to be interesting. I actually think that these bimbos fall into that category. My question is – are they really that stupid or is it just for the cameras?

Jas, the last funny thing I heard Dennis Miller say was back on MNF, when he said that Dick Vermeil cries more easily than Sylvia Plath being pepper-sprayed.
—

And that’s not even funny. Sylvia Plath offed herself — ergo getting pepper sprayed, to her, would not be a big deal.

Even in its literary details, the joke doesn’t work.

Giles: “This is my boom-stick.�
—
You sure got a purty mouth …

I’d like to commend those who’ve railed against Dane Cook here. I had the exact same reaction as Jay B to that HBO special. I kept waiting for an actual joke, and one never came. I couldn’t even tell you where one was supposed to laugh. It was like watching Julia Gorin without the annoyance factor.

Also, walmart in nyc?
What
the
fuck?
That’s just…… jesus. I can’t comprehend.
Julia Gorin broke my brain.

It’s Time for Conservatives to Take Comedy Seriously.
—-

Oh, that will work great. Just like “fiction for the proletariat” worked great for the Soviets and produced so many memorable classics.

Wait, that video wasn’t a PARODY of conservatives? They actually spent 8 minutes rhapsodizing about Wal-Mart in earnest?
That wasn’t just painfully unfunny-it was really sad.
And I find Dougie funny. Any guy who’s so preoccupied with proving his masculinity that he sounds like a closeted homosexual, and so lacking in self-awareness he doesn’t realize what he sounds like, is hilarious. Just not on purpose.

Indecently, libertarians are funny in the same way that mimes are funny. They aren’t. They are just kind of annoying and make you think to yourself what went wrong in their childhood.
—
They are funny cuz you get the sense they cannot control the idiocy spewing out of their heads at all hours of the day and night — and they ALL are definitely going to write a book.

libertarian … writing book … “to set people straight”

is pretty funny just thinking about it.

Conservatives aren’t funny because they aren’t wired to laugh at themselves. All they ever do is mock “The Other.” The Daily Show/Colbert Report poke fun at liberals nearly as much as they poke fun at conservatives. And really, good comedy about mocking power, hate, religion, culture, and “seriousness,” not propagandizing a left/right ideology.

ADB, I am with you on that HBO series. But I think JG would like it. At one point in the series Cook rubbed his nekkid balls on the sleeping guys face. But I did like it when the xtian comic who did not want porn on the bus racked up a big spank-o-vision bill at the hotel.

Mencia is unfunny and relies on jokes that are pathetically easy. He’s selling a “Hey, isn’t racism funny” sort of shtick. “See, I make fun of everybody! Ha ha! Beaners are lazy! Black people steal hubcaps and Chinese people have small penises!” Fuck that noise. I mean, really, anybody can do that.

Stereotypes exist because of laziness, and that is the word to best desceibe Mencia’s comedy– lazy. It’s comedy that gives white people an excuse to be racist, all done under the guise of being “edgy.”

Silly Conservatives. Comedy is for people with empathy, introspection and nuance. That pretty much leaves you out by definition.

I don’t know who Brad Stine is. Does he maybe mean Ben Stein, perhaps?

“Silly Conservatives. Comedy is for people with empathy, introspection and nuance. That pretty much leaves you out by definition.”

No, we may not have any of those traits, but when we mention you guys, people just start laughing and can’t stop.

Girl in the middle: plain. You see that in New Jersey on every street.

Girl on the right: attractive.

“Girl” on the left: let’s not even go there.

Re: the Blue Collar tour and Larry the Cable Guy

Larry the Cable Guy always came across to me as a fairly talented character actor doing a Red Greene or Lake Wobegon style routine. In the outtakes and “extras” on the original Blue Collar tour, he broke character a lot and switched into some others (not a bad British accent, either). I think when he got really popular with actual rednecks (instead of the fake ones), he got too stuck in the character and relied over-much on the easy laugh catch phrases. His original material poked fun at his own character, and you don’t see that anymore.

The thing I liked about the Blue Collar tour was the section where they come and just tell stories about each other. They stopped performing and turned into four close friends with amusing anecdotes who rag on each other mercilessly and enjoy trying to make the others lose it on stage. The “less scripted” stuff was the funniest part of the whole thing.

As for the Blue Collar TV show, well, I have a soft spot for anyone who gives talented sketch actors a job. And that one chick is a dead ringer for Vicki Lawrence (sp?), looks, mannerisms, everything.

Conservative humor:

How many Liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb.

1.

But, um… he needs a government hand-out.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!1!1!!!!! Libruls sux!!11!11!

Yeah…

next.

–mf

Spencer @ 1:07

Brad Stine is a hot comedian on the PromiseKeepers/Left Behind/Christian convention circuit. There was a big profile of him in the New Yorker a couple of years ago. His own words prove him an arrogant blowhard. He recounts how he was so discouraged with his lack of success that he finally just offered up his career to God and said, “I’ll give up comedy if that’s what you want.” His agent called with a booking at PromiseKeepers and it all took off. He follows this with:

“So why don’t I have a sitcom? Because I’m conservative, that’s why.”

Ass. Maybe God doesn’t want you to have a sitcom. You’re pretty presumptuous and demanding for someone who was willing to “give up comedy” for God.

He’s also part of the “new masculinity movement” like Giles. Stine’s famous laugh line is “The toilet seat’s up. You’re a big girl. Learn to operate it.”

Slays ’em, I tells ya.

I haven’t read any PJ O’Rourke in about 10 years, but he used to be reasonably witty. IMO. Sorry =(

Also, is Christopher Buckley conservative? Because he’s moderately amusing also.

That’s where the list of conservative funny ends though. PJ O’Rourke pre-1998 and maybe Christopher Buckley.

I think PJ O’Rourke and Chris Buckley are/were effectively funny because they knowingly make fun of conservative ‘culture’ along with the normal jabs at liberalism. They aren’t politically liberal in any sense, but they basically embrace and live in decadent/liberal/urbane culture so they speak from a common set of reference points and understand the basic elements of satire.

Also, I think he didn’t cite the Blue Collar guys or others because they’re not specifically conservative, thhey just observe a particular strain of American culture and while they share some distain for the ‘elites’, it STILL has a playful self-effacing quality to it (even if I don’t laugh). What Giles is looking for here isn’t ‘humor’, it’s Punchline Propaganda. Silly morality plays phrased and delivered in the form of ‘jokes’ and observations, to keep hip with the kids.

It’s just an extension of their turgid essays and worldview (similar to the way they always find Limbaugh ‘funny’), not something that will deliver actual bellylaughs. The strained literalism of, say, the second half of Bob Roberts would be closer to what they want, not the brilliant, sly sendup of these kind of conservative attempts of cultural expression that the original Bob Roberts skit and the first half of the movie presented.

George MacDonald Fraser, author of the Flashman papers, is notoriously conservative and notoriously funny.

Troll who dethroned Prince on Best Records of 2006

Jesus, BLT–you’re still alive?

Worst. Superbowl. Commercial . Ever.

🙂

A short time after the fat trashy Walmart shopper left the bar, the skinny chick in the middle got laid.

George MacDonald Fraser, author of the Flashman papers, is notoriously conservative and notoriously funny.

And his best-known creation is a complete fucking bastard.

“Jesus, BLT–you’re still alive?”

Jesus is, and I am too.

Thanks for asking.

True enough, RB. And Fraser, by all accounts, is a crotchety old fart mired in a nostalgia for Rule Britannia and all that codswollop. He was dead set against the adoption of the euro, and IIRC, made a weird sort of proposal that the UK and the US form an economic union based on their ‘historical’ (read: racial) ties.

But Flashman is damned funny. And he’s funny because he admits up front that he’s a coward and a cad and a bounder and all the rest. He hates war (for all the wrong reasons, but still) and is horrified by the gruff and oh-so-noble fools who are constantly placing him in the thick of it.

Fraser’s character comes by his subversiveness from a completely different path than the Left would ever take (a path that the Left naturally abhors), but Flashman is subversive nonetheless, to the concepts of the Noble Warrior and the Noble War … and by extension and for our purposes, to the cult of American exceptionalism that is propogandized so relentlessly and is the reason for our current national nightmare.

Or maybe I’m giving the guy too much credit. Whatever … I get a kick out of the books.

Did Wal-Mart pay for this? This was really just a 7:00 version of those stupid Wal-Mart ads where the CEO talks about how great the company is. At least I could make it through this one, the stupid was mostly just stupid and not offensive (although apparently mom and pop stores contribute to terrorism, who knew!) And I loved that they ended with a song by Eminem. That’ll really earn them points with the kids!

I need to see that video of the guy telling them they aren’t funny again.

girl don’t need no mo frankenberry

Or maybe I’m giving [Fraser] too much credit. Whatever … I get a kick out of the books.

They’re really great books (I have five or six) and I’ve blabbed about Kingsley Amis before, another English near-crank who wrote the funniest things I’ve ever read.

Obviously conservatives can be funny – and even funniest, for my money – but part of being funny is being observant, and the current blinkered-zombie-cult conservative is just not dealing with reality in a way that will produce comedy. The jokes are not jokes if you’re making them about conditions on Pluto and nobody’s ever been there.

In a way I’m kind of surprised that nobody’s brought up Seinfeld, a show that attacked all sorts of politically-correct subject matter in a way I kind of think should go over with wingnuts, except that there were no role models whatsoever…

RB – you’re spot on about today’s conservative cultists. You need to be able to recognize reality to make fun of it. And while we all have sacred cows, the wingnuts’ sacred cows are precisely the ones that afford the most comedic possibilities – God, the King and sex.

NO! No, no, no, no, no! Stop with the postings of The America Show! It frightens us! You’re NOT ALLOWED TO POST ANY MORE CLIPS OF THE AMERICA SHOW! It makes heads explode from five feet even if I don’t push the play button! Please, for the love of God! We’re only human! We can’t deal with the sheer awfulness!

Fraser may be conservative, but he isn’t a prude and that makes all the difference.

But Flashman is damned funny. And he’s funny because he admits up front that he’s a coward and a cad and a bounder and all the rest. He hates war (for all the wrong reasons, but still) and is horrified by the gruff and oh-so-noble fools who are constantly placing him in the thick of it.

A friend of mine is convinced that Flashman is, in fact, a hero. (Not an admirable character in other ways – a cad, a liar, a philanderer, a thief etc – but certainly not a coward.) And I must admit I think I agree with him.

After all, it’s very rare that Flashman doesn’t have a choice. When someone says to him “Ah, Flashy, the Hector of Afghanistan! Just the man we need for this ludicrously dangerous mission!” he always accepts. True, it’s because he wants to keep up his reputation and not lose face – but if he were a true coward, he’d simply refuse, because his own physical safety would be far more important to him than what Palmerston or whoever thought of him.

He thinks of himself as a coward, true – but most brave people do. The point is that he generally manages, albeit for base motives, to overcome his cowardice in extremely dangerous situations in order to do terribly brave and laudable things, and that arguably makes him a hero.

I was thinking of Christopher Buckley, too. Of course he has the advantage of actually being a talented writer. But I don’t think you’ll go too far comparing Bush to Bertie Wooster (or writing for the New Yorker for that matter):
http://www.newyorker.com/shouts/content/articles/061127sh_shouts

The other thing about conservative humor that bugs me is how “Mallard Fillmore” is sold as a counter weight to “Doonesbury.” Trudeau took shots at Carter and Clinton, as well as nearly every other prominent Deomcrat. Kerry is even one of the few real people to appear in the strip (when he was with VVAW). Trudeau also seriously pissed of both Jerry Brown and Tip O’Neil by making allegations of corruption.

Dr BLT,

I honestly went to your site, and gave your music a listen, with an open mind and open ears.

As a musician who has played piano, guitar, bass and many other instruments for 27 years, I must say:

Your music sucks.

Whoever put you above prince in any best of anything is sorely mistaken. Perhaps they know you personally?

Why do I say it sucks? Well, for one, learning a few open chords on the guitar and montonously strumming over and over again for 2 minutes does not make a song interesting.

Also, you apparently have no sense of rhythm or timing. For example, in your song ‘traitor’, you warble off-tempo during the entire song. Your voice doesn’t make me want to stick pencils in my ears so much as your lack of a musical ear does. Can you even tell when you don’t hit a note? Is every track recorded in one take? I have recorded over 80 songs, and often rely on not only my ears, but other musicians to tell me if they think I am sharp or flat – have you even done that, ever?

Please stop coming in these comment threads and whoring your music around.

I put this in another thread, but it really needs to be said here:

I must honestly say this, Dr. BLT:

As a musician who has recorded over 80 songs, along with playing many instruments, teaching guitar and piano, and singing for over 15 years in many bands:

Your music just isn’t that good. You have no ear. Can you even tell when you are hitting a bad note? Most of your vocals are sharp or flat all the time. Also, you apparently have no sense of rhythm or tempo, as you are off-tempo during almost every lyric, i.e., your song, Traitor.

Also, just monotonously strumming the same simple open chords over and over again for 2 minutes does not make for an interesting song.

Whoever put you above prince in any poll obviously knows you personally, or has poor taste, no ear, or are biased for some reason.

Anyways, please stop pimping and blogwhoring your conservative musical crap over here, as it both sucks, and we don’t care.

thanks!

prozacula, you’re ubiquitous. Believe it or not, you’re doing a better job of pimping my music than I could ever do. It’s all the beating up I’ve received around here that has drawn the critics and helped me climb the charts.

I’m sorry you are unhappy with my music. I cannot obviously please everybody. I’ve pleased one very well respected, ubiquitous critic (and a couple others) as well as enough of the general public for my most recent political song to hit #1 on USA Today’s most popular Songs of the Times. As the song goes, “You can’t please everyone, so you have to please yourself.”

I would also like to add, you talentless troll, that the link you are using in your completely asinine handle points to drblt.com, which is a non-working site. I believe your sonic atrocities are located at drblt.net.

you know, since increasing the amount of traffic you get will somehow make your music better.

critics my ass.

prozacula, the fact that you had the decency to correct the link to my music despite your unequivocal disdain for my tunes has increased my regard and my respect for you. I detect a little guilty pleasure. I believe society as a whole is sick of precision and they are ready for something real. When they hear a song, they want to be able to say, “He screws up just like me.”

No, my songs are not for everybody. If you can’t stomach them, may I suggest that you probably haven’t had enough to drink?

ah yes, the American Idol version of ‘why my music doesn’t really suck’ defense.

nice!

very web2.0 of you. how youtubian.

…ubiquitous

I do not think that word means what you think it means.

“prozacula said,

February 7, 2007 at 23:49

ah yes, the American Idol version of ‘why my music doesn’t really suck’ defense.

nice!

very web2.0 of you. how youtubian.”

First of all, those who perform on American Idol cannot use this defense because if they were to say “my music,” that would be a transparent lie. Furthermore, this statement only indicates that you know nothing about what I am about. I have never claimed to have a great voice, or to be a polished performer, or producer for that matter.

Certain folks, who have the rare gift, are able to see something in my music that goes beyond those superficial technical elements that you seem to worship so dearly. As a songwriter, passion is greater than precision or polish. As I’ve indicated before, people are sick of polish. They are hungry for something real. That’s where I come in.

Once again, I think you make a big mistake by comparing yourself to me and resenting me for the modicum of success I have achieved. You need to believe in yourself. You too will experience at least a modicum of success. You too will rise to the top of the charts, and you too will one day receive the recognition I have no doubt you deserve.

As a songwriter, passion is greater than precision or polish.

Wrong. A songwriter’s craft can be greater than polish, but not their passion. If I passionately believed I was a concert pianist, but didn’t know how to play and just banged out tone clusters incessantly, then my passion would not be greater than precision or polish. Your singing is nearly as offensive to the ear as my hypothetical deluded ‘pianist’.

A songwriter with craft, but not polish, can still create enduring works (just look at Tom Waits). A songwriter with passion and no talent in any direction is merely a burden and an annoyance.

“Your singing is nearly as offensive to the ear as my hypothetical deluded ‘pianist’.”

Apparently not offensive enough to persuade this critic that my latest political hit was good enough to rank #8 on the 40 Best Records of 2006:
“Your singing is nearly as offensive to the ear as my hypothetical deluded ‘pianist’.”

Apparently not offensive enough to persuade this critic that my latest political hit was good enough to rank #8 on the 40 Best Records of 2006:
http://www.morethings.com/music/best_songs_2006.htm

Apparently not offensive enough to turn off the fans who made this song #1 on USA’s Songs of the Times chart, one big notch above Kris Kristofferson’s hit:

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 01:09:48 UTC

Songs of the Times
Popularity Ranking: New Listings:

1. Neil Young Have You Forgotten – BLT
2. In The News – Kris Kristofferson
3. Bad President – Yikes McGee
4. F The CC – Steve Earle
5. They Called Her America – Jenny Yates
6. The Baghdad Dream – Steve Forbert
7. Another World Is Possible – Stephan Smith
8. Terrified – Trevor Childs
9. Red White & Blue – Gary Gates
10. Got War – MD Dunn
http://indieheart.com/bands/120/message.php

Not offensive enough for WFMU in New York City to add the song to their playlist, along with this one:

Merle Hasn’t Lost His Fightin’ Side
Dr BLT
words and music by Dr BLT (c)2007
http://www.drblt.net/music/MerleVeryLast.mp3

Just who is the deluded one here?

It’s a sloppy cut and paste job, but I’m sure you got my point (though you will try to dismiss it, and further discredit me, along with the fans, and the critic).

I think I just realized why I had the need to return to Sadly, No (and don’t worry, I won’t be here much longer).

It’s payback time for all of those who have underestimated me and belittled me. This may not be a Grammy or a platinum record, but everytime I experience any sort of modicum of recognition or reward for my musical accomplishments, I will be back to throw it in the face of my naysayers from Sadly, No. I’m not a violent, blood-thirsty man who likes to see people suffer. Poetic justice is the best form of justice. If my songs make your eardrums bleed, then, as the Rolling Stones once put it: Let it Bleed. It’s not because I hate you back that I allow my songs to burn holes in your eardrums. It’s out of love—tough love, that only a troll like me can offer.

My voice may suck at times, especially to those who have not had enough to drink, or to think, but those of you who hate me, hate me, not because of my so-called “sucky” voice, or because of my admittedly shallow braggadocio, but because I don’t think exactly like you. I don’t conform to your liberal groupthink.
Face the music.

My voice may suck at times, especially to those who have not had enough to drink

Doc, I apologize. You’re obviously more self-aware than I’d given you credit for.

Damn, even Doug’s DOG looks like an asshole.

The only time anyone apologizes to me around here is when they’ve been drinking. Perhaps I was a little hard on myself about my voice. I know that there have been a least a dozen folks, who actually love my voice and can’t seem to get enough of it.

But we’re not hear to discuss my voice, or to have me continue to boast about my recently intensified and ostensibly unstoppable momentum in the music world. We are here to discuss conservative humor. To me, humor can be found anywhere, and sometimes it comes from those we least expect it to come from. In general, moderate liberals like me tend to underestimate conservatives.

Don’t get me wrong, Realist. I fully and enthusiastically accept your apology, whether offered while under the influence of alcohol or not.

Apparently not offensive enough to persuade this critic that my latest political hit was good enough to rank #8 on the 40 Best Records of 2006:

Oh wow, if it’s on the internet, it must be true! It’s “this critic” because that critic doesn’t even have a frigging byline! I have no idea who it is and neither do you. Granted, if I were to seriously argue your music ranked eighth out of all the music produced last year, I’d want to be anonymous too.

I think I just realized why I had the need to return to Sadly, No (and don’t worry, I won’t be here much longer).

It’s payback time for all of those who have underestimated me and belittled me.

It’s not underestimation if we know your precise worth. As for belittling you, coming back here just allows us to do more of it. I see from Google you’ve been doing this since 2005, and you’ve succeeded in attracting more disdain from the latest generation of Sadly, No! readers, like myself, who missed your garbage the first time.

This may not be a Grammy or a platinum record,

Then don’t come back until it is. If you had just included a link via your name, and frankly admitted that you were an amateur without much talent, I wouldn’t think any better of you as a singer-songwriter, but I would think better of you as a person. I’m doing my master’s in vocal performance and biology right now, and I don’t come crowing whenever I’ve done a recital or taken a lead in a university opera production. It would be absurd, because it’s so commonplace. People like you are a dime a dozen, so learn some humility–at least enough humility to convince yourself that you need to train up your voice and learn the craft of songwriting.

but everytime I experience any sort of modicum of recognition or reward for my musical accomplishments, I will be back to throw it in the face of my naysayers from Sadly, No.

Great. Can I send you an e-mail every time I do a recital or take a solo in a concert, appear in the chorus, or on the stage at the KU Opera?

I’m not a violent, blood-thirsty man who likes to see people suffer.

Well, I suffered from being introduced to your music. Seriously. I get a headache at bad singing (sadly, many of my classmates set off this headache, as happened last night when I was in the audience for our performance of The Tales of Hoffmann). It’s the curse of having perfect pitch. You sing out of tune, arrhythmically, and it took all my self-control to even click though to your samples page after hearing your voice on the main page.

Poetic justice is the best form of justice. If my songs make your eardrums bleed, then, as the Rolling Stones once put it: Let it Bleed. It’s not because I hate you back that I allow my songs to burn holes in your eardrums. It’s out of love—tough love, that only a troll like me can offer.

It’s not your songs, it’s your singing. Your songs are merely amateurish and badly written. It’s the fact that you’re out of tune and have no sense of rhythm that causes me physical pain. If I want that, I can always go listen to Florence Foster Jenkins or Michael Bolton’s opera album.

My voice may suck at times, especially to those who have not had enough to drink,

The amount of drink it would take to make your music palatable could induce vomiting even in Christopher Hitchens.

or to think, but those of you who hate me, hate me, not because of my so-called “sucky� voice, or because of my admittedly shallow braggadocio, but because I don’t think exactly like you. I don’t conform to your liberal groupthink.

I’m not a liberal. How can you conform to my liberal groupthink when I’m not a liberal myself? There is a whole spectrum of political philosophies which transcend your simplistic and Manichean “conservative or liberal” worldview. If you understand even that, that would make your lyrics better. Of course, you’d have to learn more chords and guitar technique that includes some actual picking in addition to the strumming over open chords to improve the music.

This is as funny as a Warner Brothers cartoon! Specifically, those two or three cartoons they did where a fairy godmother explains the law of supply and demand to Sylvester the cat. (“Phase three: Profit!”)

PJ O’Rourke was funny for a while after he went conservative. I think the “three books” figure above was about right. His Rolling Stone piece about the Euroweenies was his apotheosis and darn near last gasp. I was sort of sorry to see him become a boring scold picking on Jimmy Carter for being homely, because I thought it did my credibility good to be able to laugh at at least one conservative humorist. I keep trying. There’s a magazine off to my right that’s been open to an article by him for about a week now, but I just can’t get more than a couple of paragraphs in.

Dennis Miller. I swear, he used to be funny. On condoms depriving you of feeling: “I just wear two all the time, and when I’m doing it, I take one off, and I’m flyin’.” On the release of the Beatles’ White Album on CD: “Speaking from his prison cell, Charles Manson said, ‘Wow, you can hear it so clearly. I guess they weren’t sending me secret messages after all — I feel like such an asshole.'” And when he had his own show, I liked “The Humornauts,” though I can’t quote any of it.

Speaking of quoting, I said this in November, over at Pandagon:

—

Miller used to be funny. (Hell, Johnny Hart used to be funny!) But, you know, things change.

I suspect Miller writes his jokes with big blanks to be filled in later — yes, you’re way ahead of me: MAD LIBS. After he gets all the bile in place, he gets busy and puts in the all-fired smartypantsiest words he can find in his Big Book O’ Culture.

I suggest we could do just as badly all by ourselves. We could assemble a bank of blank-fillers for categories like “things that are so ugly,� “things that are so stupid,� “things that are so fast� and then write the all-purpose Dennis Miller generantor. Suggested prototype:

“Now, I don’t want to go into a rant here, but how bad is it when [person who is so liberal] is seen as the new [person who is so respectable]? That’s like having [person who is so stupid] take over for [person who was so smart] at [event which is so prestigious]. You might as well have one of these [adjective chain for stupidity] [very stupid thing]s over to [perform very demanding activity] for your next [esoteric event]. Every time I hear about one of these [thing that is so stupid]s trying to [do thing that is so smart], I just have to [pointless physical activity that isn’t masturbation].�

In this case, we can fill in the blanks and get:

“Now, I don’t want to go into a rant here, but how bad is it when Howard Dean is seen as the new Ronald Reagan? That’s like having Soupy Sales take over for Stephen Hawking at the College Bowl. You might as well have one of these no-neck drooling inbred clown-hatted mongoloid planaria worms trying to solve Fermat’s Last Theorem for your next Burning Man Festival. Every time I hear about one of these liberals trying to second-guess Bush, I just have to club myself over the head repeatedly with a cast-iron statue of Fatty Arbuckle.�

See? It doesn’t even have to make sense! We could put the real Miller out of business. They’d replace him with a chimp who’s trained to open and close his mouth repeatedly while a stagehand reads the dialog.

—

And why hasn’t my brilliant suggestion been acted on yet? I blame the [things that are so stupid]!

What a brilliant concept. You should market it to a publishing company as Dennis Miller Mad Libs.

Tristram Shandy said,

February 9, 2007 at 18:40

“Oh wow, if it’s on the internet, it must be true! It’s “this criticâ€? because that critic doesn’t even have a frigging byline! I have no idea who it is and neither do you. Granted, if I were to seriously argue your music ranked eighth out of all the music produced last year, I’d want to be anonymous too.”

If a person has a little bit of internet savvy, it’s not hard to track down the source of anything. You seem to know how to use google, and with a few google entries, it would have been easy for you to identify the source, along with another review of the song by the same critic. I noticed you didn’t say a word about my number one placement on the USA Today Songs of the Times chart. An interesting bit of omission.

“It’s not underestimation if we know your precise worth. As for belittling you, coming back here just allows us to do more of it. I see from Google you’ve been doing this since 2005, and you’ve succeeded in attracting more disdain from the latest generation of Sadly, No! readers, like myself, who missed your garbage the first time.”

All of the belittling eventually draws the attention of critics like Al Barger, writer for Blogcritics Magazine. It generates a buzz that sparks the interest of the majority of Sadly No visitors that don’t hate me the way you do, and actually like me and my music, (or at least experience a guilty pleasure over listening to it). This silent majority is a silent majority I place a great deal of value upon. They download my songs in droves. I find this out through my own tracking system.

Me: “This may not be a Grammy or a platinum record,”

Shandy: “Then don’t come back until it is. If you had just included a link via your name, and frankly admitted that you were an amateur without much talent, I wouldn’t think any better of you as a singer-songwriter, but I would think better of you as a person. I’m doing my master’s in vocal performance and biology right now, and I don’t come crowing whenever I’ve done a recital or taken a lead in a university opera production. It would be absurd, because it’s so commonplace. People like you are a dime a dozen, so learn some humility–at least enough humility to convince yourself that you need to train up your voice and learn the craft of songwriting.”

If the above statement is not the apotheosis of jealousy and sour grapes, then my name is Donald Trump.

Me-“but everytime I experience any sort of modicum of recognition or reward for my musical accomplishments, I will be back to throw it in the face of my naysayers from Sadly, No.”

Shandy: “Great. Can I send you an e-mail every time I do a recital or take a solo in a concert, appear in the chorus, or on the stage at the KU Opera?”

Absolutely. I love musicians and love to celebrate in their successes. You don’t have to earn a Grammy to receive accolades from me.

Me- “I’m not a violent, blood-thirsty man who likes to see people suffer.”

Shandy: “Well, I suffered from being introduced to your music. Seriously. I get a headache at bad singing (sadly, many of my classmates set off this headache, as happened last night when I was in the audience for our performance of The Tales of Hoffmann). It’s the curse of having perfect pitch. You sing out of tune, arrhythmically, and it took all my self-control to even click though to your samples page after hearing your voice on the main page.”

If you’ve heard the drinking water has been contaminated, and still take a drink, aren’t you the one to bring on your own pain and suffering.

Me-“Poetic justice is the best form of justice. If my songs make your eardrums bleed, then, as the Rolling Stones once put it: Let it Bleed. It’s not because I hate you back that I allow my songs to burn holes in your eardrums. It’s out of love—tough love, that only a troll like me can offer.”

Shandy: “It’s not your songs, it’s your singing. Your songs are merely amateurish and badly written. It’s the fact that you’re out of tune and have no sense of rhythm that causes me physical pain. If I want that, I can always go listen to Florence Foster Jenkins or Michael Bolton’s opera album.”

As I’ve mentioned before, the public has grown weary of precision. They’re ready for something real, something with plenty of personality an passion—-and that’s where folks like me and Bob Dylan step in. No, I’m not saying I’m as good or better than Bob, and I wasn’t the one who said I can write better songs than Neil Young. But those are the two I’m most frequently compared with, those two and Billy Corgan of Smashing Pumpkins. I consider myself unworthy of such comparisons, but I leave those judgements up to the public, the same public who put me at the very top of the USA Today chart, right above Kris Kristofferson, who I’ve also been compared with (once again, I declare myself unworthy).

Me: “My voice may suck at times, especially to those who have not had enough to drink,”

Shandy: “The amount of drink it would take to make your music palatable could induce vomiting even in Christopher Hitchens.”

Apparently not for the people responsible for putting my song at the top of the USA Today chart. Apparently not for the critic who declared my song the #8 Best Record of 2006.

Me “…or to think, but those of you who hate me, hate me, not because of my so-called “suckyâ€? voice, or because of my admittedly shallow braggadocio, but because I don’t think exactly like you. I don’t conform to your liberal groupthink.”

Shandy: “I’m not a liberal. How can you conform to my liberal groupthink when I’m not a liberal myself? There is a whole spectrum of political philosophies which transcend your simplistic and Manichean “conservative or liberalâ€? worldview. If you understand even that, that would make your lyrics better. Of course, you’d have to learn more chords and guitar technique that includes some actual picking in addition to the strumming over open chords to improve the music.”

More sour grapes. Another feeble attempt to belittle me and berate me. I’m used to it, Shandy. You can’t keep a good man down. You only make yourself look ridiculous when you try to ridicule me. I wish you great success with your next recital!

You seem to know how to use google, and with a few google entries, it would have been easy for you to identify the source, along with another review of the song by the same critic.

Yes, but I didn’t care what some anonymous idiot on the internet said.

Shandy: “I’m not a liberal. How can you conform to my liberal groupthink when I’m not a liberal myself? There is a whole spectrum of political philosophies which transcend your simplistic and Manichean “conservative or liberal� worldview. If you understand even that, that would make your lyrics better. Of course, you’d have to learn more chords and guitar technique that includes some actual picking in addition to the strumming over open chords to improve the music.�

More sour grapes. Another feeble attempt to belittle me and berate me.

Right. I’ve been an anarchist for years merely to belittle and berate someone I didn’t know of until yesterday. Your ego is so out of proportion to your talents that it’s ludicrous.

“…and those that are fools, let them use their talents.” In your case, the folly is exceptional and the talents minimal.

I’m used to it, Shandy. You can’t keep a good man down.

Nor can one keep you down. In fact, you’re up with every post to here. (Wank, wank, wank….)

You only make yourself look ridiculous when you try to ridicule me.

That’s rich.

I wish you great success with your next recital!

I wish you great success with your next music theory class.

Apparently half my post got eaten:

I noticed you didn’t say a word about my number one placement on the USA Today Songs of the Times chart. An interesting bit of omission.

There seems to be little to say about something that probably doesn’t exist. I used that internet savvy you’re so keen on and seached for “USA Today Songs of the Times” and “Songs of the Times” restricted to the USA Today site and came up empty both times.

All of the belittling eventually draws the attention of critics like Al Barger, writer for Blogcritics Magazine.

G.B. Shaw, Virgil Thompson, Philip Heseltine. All peons compared to this mammoth, this colossus, this giant in his field…Al Barger! How can we mere mortals dare to disagree?

It generates a buzz that sparks the interest of the majority of Sadly No visitors that don’t hate me the way you do, and actually like me and my music, (or at least experience a guilty pleasure over listening to it). This silent majority is a silent majority I place a great deal of value upon. They download my songs in droves. I find this out through my own tracking system.

Even if you were telling the truth, what makes you think that they’re downloading your music because they like it?

Shandy: “Then don’t come back until it is. If you had just included a link via your name, and frankly admitted that you were an amateur without much talent, I wouldn’t think any better of you as a singer-songwriter, but I would think better of you as a person. I’m doing my master’s in vocal performance and biology right now, and I don’t come crowing whenever I’ve done a recital or taken a lead in a university opera production. It would be absurd, because it’s so commonplace. People like you are a dime a dozen, so learn some humility–at least enough humility to convince yourself that you need to train up your voice and learn the craft of songwriting.�

If the above statement is not the apotheosis of jealousy and sour grapes, then my name is Donald Trump.

If your name were Donald Trump (at least back when Trump was solvent, not on embarrassing reality TV shows, and had convincing hair) then you might legitimately accuse me of jealousy. Instead, you dub yourself “Dr. BLT”. How do you expect anyone to be jealous of that even in the abstract, let alone when you’re spilling forth your absurdities?!

Absolutely. I love musicians and love to celebrate in their successes. You don’t have to earn a Grammy to receive accolades from me.

I don’t need accolades from you. You, on the other hand, are so bathetic that you blow up every bit of minor attention into a complete validation of your musical career. There are no words for how stupid that is.

If you’ve heard the drinking water has been contaminated, and still take a drink, aren’t you the one to bring on your own pain and suffering.

I can see that as your next album: Dr BLT: He’s Pure Aural Dysentery!

As I’ve mentioned before, the public has grown weary of precision.

So singing out of tune is the way of the future?

They’re ready for something real, something with plenty of personality an passion—-and that’s where folks like me and Bob Dylan step in.

No, that’s where you step out. Your passion may be there, but your lack of talent makes your music so colorless that it’s impossible to recall in tranquility. Strummed open chords and out of tune singing do not make you a musical ‘personality’; they make you exactly like tens of thousands of other people. Fortunately for us, most of those people inflict their music, at most, on a restricted audience of family and friends around major holidays.

Shandy, I’ve never claimed to have a great voice. I’ve never claimed to be a great songwriter. I’ve never claimed to sing in tune. I’ve never claimed to be able to keep a steady rhythm. So I’m not sure who you’re arguing with. I only claimed that one of my songs, “Neil Young (Have You Forgotten),” was named the number 8 Best Record of 2006 and that the song rose to #1 on USA Today’s Songs of the Times.

You seem to be a bit google-impaired and there’s no shame in that. So I’ve provided some links for reference purposes:

Here’s where I discovered the July list, with my song at number one:
http://indieheart.com/bands/120/message.php

As you can see, after about 7 months, the song has slowly slipped to # 115 on that very chart, the one who claim doesn’t exist:
http://www.neilyoung.com/lwwtoday/lwwsongspage.html

And here are a couple related links:
http://news.com.com/5208-1027_3-0.html?forumID=1&threadID=16291&messageID=144896&start=-1

http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/201/3058/1600/lwwtodaybanner.gifhttp://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/201/3058/1600/lwwtodaybanner.gif

I’m obviously not going to win you over as a fan. I don’t need to. I have plenty of fans. Why would I want to sing in tune if I’ve already acquired a burgeoning following that is continuing to grow? They may be few in number compared to Eminem, Justin Timberlake and Green Day, but they all have extremely high IQs.

Why would I want to write the kind of songs that please you? Why would I want to be more precise? What I’m doing right now seems to be working. If my momentum begins to slow down, and my relatively modest, if mildly impressive, musical fortunes fall into a state of deseutude, I may consider calling upon you for some advice.

Once again, best of wishes with your next recital.

Shandy, I’ve never claimed to have a great voice. I’ve never claimed to be a great songwriter. I’ve never claimed to sing in tune. I’ve never claimed to be able to keep a steady rhythm. So I’m not sure who you’re arguing with.

I’m not trying to argue with anybody. I’m merely telling you that having all the characteristics which you concede you have makes you a bad musician, and that it would be for the public good if you’d go take voice lessons and music theory lessons to work through these shortcomings.

I only claimed that one of my songs, “Neil Young (Have You Forgotten),� was named the number 8 Best Record of 2006

…by somebody I’ve never heard of before in my life, and who, in any case, has an ideological ax to grind.

and that the song rose to #1 on USA Today’s Songs of the Times.

And there you are lying.

You seem to be a bit google-impaired and there’s no shame in that. So I’ve provided some links for reference purposes:

Here’s where I discovered the July list, with my song at number one:
http://indieheart.com/bands/120/message.php

Which curiously lacks any indication that the referenced list comes from USA Today, which is, after all, a daily newspaper and not a music magazine.

As you can see, after about 7 months, the song has slowly slipped to # 115 on that very chart, the one who claim doesn’t exist:
http://www.neilyoung.com/lwwtoday/lwwsongspage.html

Yes, I can. So this is where the “very chart” is located? On the “Living with War Today” page of Neil Young’s website, and not on the site of USA Today, the daily newspaper?

Did you think we were all idiots, or are you seriously telling us that you’re unable to read for even the faintest glimmer of comprehension?

I’m obviously not going to win you over as a fan. I don’t need to. I have plenty of fans.

And now for that very well-known folk song, sung to the tune “My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean”:

“The lurkers support me in e-mail. | They know my musical brilliancy. | Soon I’ll be known as a genius. | Just wait for a while and you’ll see!”

Why would I want to sing in tune if I’ve already acquired a burgeoning following that is continuing to grow? They may be few in number compared to Eminem, Justin Timberlake and Green Day, but they all have extremely high IQs.

I’m impressed. Not only does your website have the function of hawking your awful music, but it also is a peer-reviewed and independently validated IQ test.

Or do you have the world’s only fan club with a IQ test requirement?

Why would I want to write the kind of songs that please you? Why would I want to be more precise?

Because it would make your music better. If you don’t care about the quality of your music, then it shows your regard for your so-called fans in a very bad light.

What I’m doing right now seems to be working. If my momentum begins to slow down, and my relatively modest, if mildly impressive,

Impressive to whom?

musical fortunes fall into a state of deseutude,

Into a state of a disuse?! That doesn’t even make any sense, nor is there an alternate meaning which could make this statement make sense. Isn’t a songwriter supposed to know how to use words to illuminate, rather than confuse?

I may consider calling upon you for some advice.

*laughs* The very fact that you consider yourself above taking advice to heart shows that you’re really just a rank amateur with delusions of grandeur. Let me tell you something: there are no muses. Art proceeds from honing a craft. That’s why your self-aggrandizement, which would be ludicrous in anybody, even a Pavarotti, is offensive to the rest of us who are musicians, because the lack of craft screams out at us with every bar.

Once again, best of wishes with your next recital.

Actually, I will be performing in Les contes d’Hoffmann tonight.

You’ve seem to have jumped to the conclusion that the critic who put my song at #8 on his list of the best 2006 records of 2006 has an ideological axe to grind. If this isi the case, why does his ideology not match mine? Why are so many artists on top of his list so outspoken about their ideological views, one that are obviously antithetical to those of my own.

As far as your questioning of the links I provided goes, and their origins, it seems you haven’t done your homework. I’d invite all interested or sceptical parties to explore the same links, research the history of the song’s rise on that chart and draw your own links. I’m not trying to decieve anybody, though some of you may be surprised or shocked that your whipping boy and his whipped songs have become so popular.

It’s hard to do, but I’d encourage you to read the writing on the wall. My voice, the one some of you would love to silence, is being broadcast on WFMU in New York City, and across the internet. Face the music.

Though you obviously have a much more dismal view of my music than the silent majority here, I appreciate the fact that you’ve become so interested in my songs. Once again, I wish you well on your next recital.

It’s a little early in the morning. It should say “draw your own conclusions,” not “draw your own links,” and please excuse the typos. But the message remains clear. This bozo hates me and will say anything to try and undermine my music and discredit me. But at least he is taking an interest and some day he may change his tune.

For some, my voice is an acquired taste. But for perfectionistic purists like yourself, there are the Dr BLT cover artists, like Alyssa Kaess:

When I Heard You Sing (A Tribute to the Beatles)
Alyssa Kaess
words and music by Dr BLT (c) 2006
http://www.drblt.net/music/yousing.mp3

You’ve seem to have jumped to the conclusion that the critic who put my song at #8 on his list of the best 2006 records of 2006 has an ideological axe to grind.

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

As far as your questioning of the links I provided goes, and their origins, it seems you haven’t done your homework.

Tell me, what sort of “homework” will transform “Living with War Today” to “USA Today”? Especially when the list you claim came from USA Today is still nowhere to be found on that newspaper’s website?

I’d invite all interested or sceptical parties to explore the same links, research the history of the song’s rise on that chart and draw your own links. I’m not trying to decieve anybody,

Then you simply cannot read.

though some of you may be surprised or shocked that your whipping boy and his whipped songs have become so popular.

Popular according to what standard? It’s not like this is the Billboard charts, where the standard for popularity is unambiguous. Instead, every song on that list has some ideological content. And how is popularity determined? Site hits, downloads, times played over the radio, physical sales of singles in shops? At best, you were the most popular out of a very restricted set of songs (only those with political content regarding the war) and that in a vague and undefined way. I’d congratulate you on your success, but I know you have a tin ear for sarcasm, as for music.

It’s hard to do, but I’d encourage you to read the writing on the wall. My voice, the one some of you would love to silence, is being broadcast on WFMU in New York City, and across the internet. Face the music.

So one radio station, which is a freeform station, meaning that only the DJ hi- or herself has to like your music, is playing your music and it’s on the internet. I have dozens of friends who can claim the same. So what does that portend?

Though you obviously have a much more dismal view of my music than the silent majority here, I appreciate the fact that you’ve become so interested in my songs.

The “silent majority” thing again? You’re not Nixon, and look how he turned out.

Furthermore, I’m not interested in your songs. I didn’t download anything, just listened to the samples plus the awful song you have at your main page, and haven’t been back since.

But the message remains clear. This bozo hates me and will say anything to try and undermine my music and discredit me.

You discredit yourself. It wasn’t I who forced you to say that your ridiculous list came from USA Today. Nor do I hate you. In fact, I don’t know you (although from the behavior you’ve demonstrated, I doubt I’d like you if I did know you). I’m merely trying to tell you what you will minimally have to do to improve your music, and explaining why it isn’t good as it is.

But at least he is taking an interest and some day he may change his tune.

Only when you figure out how to write tunes and sing them in tune.

I’m loath to respond because we are way off topic and that’s not very nice to the party that posted the thread, but if you insist on keeping this going, I’ll indulge you.

Tristram Shandy said,

February 10, 2007 at 23:52

Me—-You’ve seem to have jumped to the conclusion that the critic who put my song at #8 on his list of the best 2006 records of 2006 has an ideological axe to grind.

Shandy——–“What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.”

Not exactly. If you are not a liberal (and you claim that you are not) then my attributing your transparent jealousy to your supposed ideological axe may have been a mistake. To confirm this, I would need to know more about your ideology and about your perceptions about mine. Furthermore, if Al Barger and I shared the same ideology, and if a review of his chart seemed to review an over-representation of artists sharing that same ideology, there would be some reason to be suspicous of his motives. Otherwise, your case is extremely weak at best.

Me—–As far as your questioning of the links I provided goes, and their origins, it seems you haven’t done your homework.

Shandy: Tell me, what sort of “homework� will transform “Living with War Today� to “USA Today�? Especially when the list you claim came from USA Today is still nowhere to be found on that newspaper’s website?

Take another look at the logo, and then take a look at USA Today’s logo. It is identical. Are you accusing Neil Young and his peeps of brazenly steeling the patended USA Today logo?

Me: I’d invite all interested or sceptical parties to explore the same links, research the history of the song’s rise on that chart and draw your own links. I’m not trying to decieve anybody,

Shandy: “Then you simply cannot read.”

Perhaps you, Shandy, simply cannot read the patended logo.

Me: …though some of you may be surprised or shocked that your whipping boy and his whipped songs have become so popular….

Shandy: “Popular according to what standard? It’s not like this is the Billboard charts, where the standard for popularity is unambiguous. Instead, every song on that list has some ideological content. And how is popularity determined? Site hits, downloads, times played over the radio, physical sales of singles in shops? At best, you were the most popular out of a very restricted set of songs (only those with political content regarding the war) and that in a vague and undefined way. I’d congratulate you on your success, but I know you have a tin ear for sarcasm, as for music.”

It is what it is. I called this #1 position combined with Barger’s placement of the song at #8 on his list of the Best Songs of 2006
“a modicum of success.” For some it may seem monumental, for others, miniscule. Once again, it is what it is. Looked at another way, my rise to the top of this chart may be more important than a rise to the top of Billboard. Billboard is a list of mostly meaningless songs about nothing. This is a list of songs that address the quintessential issues of our time.

Me: It’s hard to do, but I’d encourage you to read the writing on the wall. My voice, the one some of you would love to silence, is being broadcast on WFMU in New York City, and across the internet. Face the music.

Shandy: “So one radio station, which is a freeform station, meaning that only the DJ hi- or herself has to like your music, is playing your music and it’s on the internet. I have dozens of friends who can claim the same. So what does that portend?”

It is a very popular station and one considered extremely “hip” among members of the cognoscente. It’s no wonder you apparently haven’t discovered it 🙂 Just kidding. I have no right to judge the degree to which your hip based on this one indicator. Moreover, my songs have aired nation-wide, thanks to a nationally syndicated broadcast, one has been featured on NPR’s internet open mic show and several others have aired on those traditional types of radio stations that you seem more comfortable with. Can I prove this? Yes, but it would involve more work than what I’m willing to do for a naysayer like you. So if you think I’m being dishonest, then so be it.

Me: Though you obviously have a much more dismal view of my music than the silent majority here, I appreciate the fact that you’ve become so interested in my songs.

Shanty: The “silent majority� thing again? You’re not Nixon, and look how he turned out.

I’m sorry, but you lost me on that line.

Shanty: “Furthermore, I’m not interested in your songs. I didn’t download anything, just listened to the samples plus the awful song you have at your main page, and haven’t been back since.”

Have you heard anything performed by Dr. BLT cover artists, like the one I posted?

Me: But the message remains clear. This bozo hates me and will say anything to try and undermine my music and discredit me.

Shanty: “You discredit yourself. It wasn’t I who forced you to say that your ridiculous list came from USA Today. Nor do I hate you. In fact, I don’t know you (although from the behavior you’ve demonstrated, I doubt I’d like you if I did know you). I’m merely trying to tell you what you will minimally have to do to improve your music, and explaining why it isn’t good as it is.”

“…why it isn’t as good as it is…”? Interesting choice of words, Shanty.

Me–But at least he is taking an interest and some day he may change his tune.

“Only when you figure out how to write tunes and sing them in tune.”

You haven’t dug deep enough into the treasure, haven’t had enough to drink, and haven’t bothered to listen to the many songs of mine that other artists have covered.

I don’t hate you either. I think I may even like you if I got to know you. You are less hateful than others who have ridiculed me and my music. You simply have underestimated me again. Have I arrived in an artistic or musical sense? Certainly not. I have lots to learn and much more distance to travel. But I would rather learn from somebody more balanced in their appraisal and more open-minded.

Not exactly. If you are not a liberal (and you claim that you are not) then my attributing your transparent jealousy to your supposed ideological axe may have been a mistake.

Transparent jealousy? For me to be jealous of you, wouldn’t I have to have some desire to pursue the same or a similar career? Can you tell me where your musical interests, which tend toward strumming over easy open chords and singing out of tune, have to do with mine?

Take another look at the logo, and then take a look at USA Today’s logo. It is identical.

To steal a phrase from our gracious hosts: Sadly, No!

It’s a clear parody of the USA Today logo, but unlike the USA Today logo, it says “Living with War Today”, which is not just words but also part of the logo, and while USA Today only has one view of the globe, the Living with War Today logo has a view of the obverse side. Let’s face it: a person would have to be an idiot or willfully lying to claim that this list comes from USA Today.

Are you accusing Neil Young and his peeps of brazenly steeling the patended USA Today logo?

No, because it isn’t the USA Today logo (which can be distinguished by the surprising words “USA Today” being part of the logo).

Perhaps you, Shandy, simply cannot read the patended logo.

You mean patented logo? Even if the spelling weren’t off (and by the way, it’s “stealing”), you don’t patent logos. Patents are for technological ideas, processes, and inventions. You trademark and/or copyright a logo.

Once again, it is what it is. Looked at another way, my rise to the top of this chart may be more important than a rise to the top of Billboard.

It could be, but it isn’t.

It is a very popular station and one considered extremely “hip� among members of the cognoscente.

Cognoscenti.

It’s no wonder you apparently haven’t discovered it

Right. I tell you it’s a freeform station, and that means I haven’t heard about it all. It’s a good thing you can leap to such conclusions, otherwise you’d fall into the holes in your logic.

Just kidding. I have no right to judge the degree to which your hip based on this one indicator.

What about my hip?

Moreover, my songs have aired nation-wide, thanks to a nationally syndicated broadcast, one has been featured on NPR’s internet open mic show and several others have aired on those traditional types of radio stations that you seem more comfortable with.

Oh, an open mic show. I’m overwhelmed. The next time I go to a poetry slam, I’ll be sure to drink in the fact of being surrounded by so many high achievers in the field–veritable poet laureates!.

Furthermore, I hardly listen to the radio except for news.

I’m sorry, but you lost me on that line.

Are you saying you’ve neither heard of Nixon’s “great silent majority” phrase, or the fact that he resigned the office under a cloud with several potential indictments hanging over his head?

Shanty: “You discredit yourself. It wasn’t I who forced you to say that your ridiculous list came from USA Today. Nor do I hate you. In fact, I don’t know you (although from the behavior you’ve demonstrated, I doubt I’d like you if I did know you). I’m merely trying to tell you what you will minimally have to do to improve your music, and explaining why it isn’t good as it is.�

“…why it isn’t as good as it is…�? Interesting choice of words, Shanty.

Perhaps, but it’s not mine. You managed to add an extra “as” in the sentence. I said “…why it [your music] isn’t good as it is”. Since you seem to have trouble with grammar, I’ll explain: to remark that something is or isn’t X as it is means “as it exists right now.” Your music isn’t good as it exists right now. You see, it all depends on what the definition of “is” is.

By the way, a shanty is a sea-song. My nickname is Tristram Shandy, after the character by Laurence Sterne.

You haven’t dug deep enough into the treasure,

You consider your music a “treasure”? *guffaws*

haven’t had enough to drink,

Perhaps your problem is that you don’t feel called upon to write music which sounds good even to teetotallers. I’d suggest getting into a twelve-step program so that you can see what your music sounds like to a sober person. Sobriety might improve your music-making.

and haven’t bothered to listen to the many songs of mine that other artists have covered.

The only way your music, as it is, would be good covered is if it were covered by a slab of concrete.

Ack. Bad editing. I was going to say “where your interests…intersect with mine” but changed the end part of the word without going back and making sure the clauses agreed.

S: “Ack. Bad editing. I was going to say “where your interests…intersect with mineâ€? but changed the end part of the word without going back and making sure the clauses agreed.”

It seems even you can’t keep up with your perfectionistic, anal retentive expectations regarding attention to detail. I won’t hold it against you. I’ve always put passion above precision.

TS: Transparent jealousy? For me to be jealous of you, wouldn’t I have to have some desire to pursue the same or a similar career? Can you tell me where your musical interests, which tend toward strumming over easy open chords and singing out of tune, have to do with mine?

BLT: You are the best judge of what the basis of your jealousy is. I sense the jealousy, but for the life of me, I can’t determine why you are jealous or what you are jealous over. You are also obsessed with my music, and this raisese the hypothesis that you experience some sort of guilty pleasure, at the very least, as it pertains to my music.

I said: Take another look at the logo, and then take a look at USA Today’s logo. It is identical.

TS: To steal a phrase from our gracious hosts: Sadly, No!

It’s a clear parody of the USA Today logo, but unlike the USA Today logo, it says “Living with War Today�, which is not just words but also part of the logo, and while USA Today only has one view of the globe, the Living with War Today logo has a view of the obverse side. Let’s face it: a person would have to be an idiot or willfully lying to claim that this list comes from USA Today.

BLT: An idiot of a liar? You are clearly not one of my fans. As I mentioned, my fans have high IQs. To come up with this dichotomous choice, and to offer no more than two alternatives is indicative of a mind that is either lethargic or severly lacking in creativity (there’s a joke in there somewhere, let’s see if you can get it). Your research seems every bit as sloppy as mine, perhaps more sloppy, and you really haven’t proven me wrong in my assumption.

BLT: Are you accusing Neil Young and his peeps of brazenly steeling the patended USA Today logo?

TS: No, because it isn’t the USA Today logo (which can be distinguished by the surprising words “USA Today� being part of the logo).

BLT: Perhaps you, Shandy, simply cannot read the patended logo.

TS: You mean patented logo? Even if the spelling weren’t off (and by the way, it’s “stealing�), you don’t patent logos. Patents are for technological ideas, processes, and inventions. You trademark and/or copyright a logo.

BLT: You'[ve exposed my sloppy use of legal terminology, but it’s a pointing out adscititious minutia is a Pyrric victory. It’s simply an anal retentive diversion that does nothing to strengthen your main argument.

I said: Once again, it is what it is. Looked at another way, my rise to the top of this chart may be more important than a rise to the top of Billboard.

TS: It could be, but it isn’t.

BLT: That’s your opinion, based on your values.

BLT: It is a very popular station and one considered extremely “hip� among members of the cognoscente.

TS: Cognoscenti.

It’s no wonder you apparently haven’t discovered it

BLT: Another adscititious diversion that does nothing to strengthen your argument.

TS: Right. I tell you it’s a freeform station, and that means I haven’t heard about it all. It’s a good thing you can leap to such conclusions, otherwise you’d fall into the holes in your logic.

BLT: Freeform stations are not for the ambiguity intolerant. I wouldn’t expect you to know about it.

I said: Just kidding. I have no right to judge the degree to which your hip based on this one indicator.

TS: What about my hip?

BLT: I’d suggest a “hip” replacement surgery.

I said: Moreover, my songs have aired nation-wide, thanks to a nationally syndicated broadcast, one has been featured on NPR’s internet open mic show and several others have aired on those traditional types of radio stations that you seem more comfortable with.

TS: Oh, an open mic show. I’m overwhelmed. The next time I go to a poetry slam, I’ll be sure to drink in the fact of being surrounded by so many high achievers in the field–veritable poet laureates!.

BLT: I never expect somebody who consistently underestimates me to be overwhelmed. No surprise there. No surprise at the bitter sarcasm either. A conspicuously transparent sign of sour grapes and jealousy.

TS: Furthermore, I hardly listen to the radio except for news.

BLT: I’ve noticed.

I said: I’m sorry, but you lost me on that line.

TS: Are you saying you’ve neither heard of Nixon’s “great silent majority� phrase, or the fact that he resigned the office under a cloud with several potential indictments hanging over his head?

BLT: You’re aging yourself again, but yes, I’m familiar with Watergate. It’s also referenced in the other Neil Young answer song, Sweet Home Alabama.

“…why it isn’t as good as it is…�? Interesting choice of words, Shanty.

I said, You haven’t dug deep enough into the treasure,

TS: You consider your music a “treasure�? *guffaws*

It is dear to me. It is dear to others. One person’s junk is another person’s treasure. It’s your loss if all you focus on is the negative.

I said: ….haven’t had enough to drink,

TS: Perhaps your problem is that you don’t feel called upon to write music which sounds good even to teetotallers. I’d suggest getting into a twelve-step program so that you can see what your music sounds like to a sober person. Sobriety might improve your music-making.

BLT: I believe 12-step programs are very limited, but if you’re into 12-step programs, I’d suggest one that deals with your addiction to my music.

I said….and haven’t bothered to listen to the many songs of mine that other artists have covered.

TS: The only way your music, as it is, would be good covered is if it were covered by a slab of concrete.

BLT: Even if it were covered in a mile of concrete, one day, you would figure out what all the buzz is about, regret your poor taste in music, and you would dig up every inch of concrete just to get to my music.

The above should read “idiot or a liar,” not idiot of a liar.

Also, may I suggest we continue this via email exchange and not hog up the comments section with a prolix argument that really doesn’t relate to the posted thread?

I don’t see what else there is to talk about. I’ve already blasted your claim that you hit the top of any list at USA Today out of the water, you’ve ignored any pertinent comments about your inability to write comprehensibly or well, and you’ve fallen back on your tedious line of claiming that I’m jealous. Your bad psychoanalysis is about on a par with your bad music. And the outworn claim that I am “obsessed” with your music, despite only having listened once to confirm how awful it is.

Oh, and by the way, running to a thesaurus doesn’t impress me when the words you dredge from the thesaurus show that you don’t understand them. For instance, “adscititious” is a very specific term meaning something which is “derived or acquired from something exstrinsic”. It does not mean “irrelevant” or whatever synonym of that word you looked up in your thesaurus to yield this one.

(And it’s Pyrrhic.)

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