Wheels They Turn And Gears They Grind

Shorter Peggy Noonan:

Above: Hid his drugs from the narcs and his guns by the park

‘Happy Birthday, Mr. Reagan’

  • Each February Americans lift a glass to the president who was taller than Errol Flynn, told funnier jokes than Art Buchwald, returned Jerry Ford to glory, convinced Mikhail Gorbachev to live in Southern California and stood astride the din like a Colossus. A well-hung, twinkling-eyed Colossus who knew every elaborate handshake there ever was.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.

Gavin adds:


Comments: 41


She compared Reagan to Art Buchwald?

What’s next? Will he be favorably compared to Martin Luther King, Jr?

America’s Right Wing: You’re One Of Us, Whether You Know It Or Not!


That’s pretty much exactly the way they see Reagan. Believe me, I just spent a weekend with these people, I saw it over and over again.

Their problem, though, is that the rest of America doesn’t see it that way. I mean, Americans liked Reagan, probably now they think he was a pretty decent president, especially compared to the clown we’ve got now (I think he was a lousy president, for the record, but I’d take him over the clown we’ve got now).

But only the conservative movement sees him as this messiah thing. And therefore nobody else will be good enough for them. Every time a conservative politician talks to a crowd of these folks, you can hear him straining under the burden.

“Reagan would have said it better. Reagan would never have let us down like this. Why can’t he be more like Reagan?”

For Republican politicos, it’s got to be like living in the shadow of your dead older brother, who was homecoming king and varsity QB and perfect in every way, and now your parents aren’t even interested in you anymore.


Aw. Another Peggy Noonan gusher over Ronald Reagan. Lovely and surprising she didn’t mention Reagan’s sidekick, Babe the Blue Ox. They were inseparable clearing a path for pioneers or something like that.


Hmm, I’ve been put in this spot before after reading one your “shorter” bits. It cant be that fucking stupid I think, they’re exaggerating for comic effect. Then , like an idiot, I click the link. Sure enough its like a retarded game of madlibs.


Reagan was a red-baiting intellectual lightweight with the soul of a used-car salesman’s confessor.
He did have a few moments that made some of us who feared and loathed him say “Well, that could have gone so much worse!” (negotiating with Gorbachev would be most of them).
I liked him in retrospect, I guess – the way I’d like prostate cancer(metastisized) when compared to being fed feet first into a non-industrial woodchipper.


Look at that wistful look on Noonan’s face. Her devotion to Reagan, the Republican Demigod, is a little sad.


Excuse me, I meant “very sad.”


“I don’t recall.”

“Ketchup is a vegetable.”

“Mr. Qaddaffi, tear down this tent!”


I like this cartoon on remembering Reagan.


I remember sitting in Ted’s in San Anselmo, lingering well into the afternoon over a long lunch with friends and wine when they turned on the tv ’cause Reagan was absorbing Hinckley’s lead. I don’t remember being all torn up about it like we were for either Kennedy or MLK. We watched with interest, but it really didn’t harsh the mood, y’know?

Goodness. Was that really 26 years ago?


Marion in Savannah

“Well hung?” And she would know this because… OOOOH, Nancy will just scratch her eyes out.



Excellent use of Camper’s Sweethearts. One of the great snark/smart songs evah! Thanks for making me think about it.

Worst. President. Ever.

… and who can forget Raygun’s famous pollution analysis: cows fart too much methane into the environment.


“Approximately 80 percent of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation.”

It was the killer trees, WPE.


I also love that screen grab of Peggy. It captures that “Perfect Storm” of smugness and totally fabricated sincerity we’ve come to expect from her.

Smiling Mortician

Well, and “AIDS? No such thing. La la la.”

Incontinentia Buttocks

For Republican politicos, it’s got to be like living in the shadow of your dead older brother, who was homecoming king and varsity QB and perfect in every way, and now your parents aren’t even interested in you anymore.

So are you saying it’s kinda like being Teddy Kennedy (or, from a more personal perspective, JFK himself)?


“Our politics then were grimmer yet had a lighter touch. The Soviets could nuke us tomorrow; let’s have a hellacious brawl. It was a serious time, but I don’t think we were in general so somber, so locked in.”

Reagan: Man of Seriousness. Reagan, a man so serious, he transcended the petty differences between the movies he’d seen and actual events, yes, Reagan, the Serious Man’s Serious Man, who sincerely–and, as who will deny, seriously–felt that no one did anything wrong in Iran Contra.

Reagan–the Man Who Took Grenada.

And now? Now we’re “locked in.” Alas, we’re locked in this closet with a megalomaniac president and a vice-president who literally couldn’t care less about democracy, law, or the truth. How did we get here? How did things in general get so somber? No one can say.

What? Someone can say? I promoted these criminals and still apologize for them? So no wonder I pine for the crinkly-eyed idiocy of Reagan?



Or more like being George Bush. Because always Mom liked Jeb the best.


Mr. Castro, shave off that beard !


I’ll never Peggy right before the Xanax overdose: she waved goodbye, and slipped the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of God and ride a magic talking dolphin.


Boy, the thought of once again sitting in Ted’s in San Anslemo, throwing back a few Anchor Steams. Thanks for the memories on this -2 degree day in Madison Wisconsin.


I’m surprised that the right hasn’t nominated Reagan for sainthood.

Next from Dan Riehl: I never said Regan was a saint, I said he was nominated for Sainthood, and yes you could argue the chances of that happening could be 0, but you could never say that He wasn’t nominated.


And “Ketchup? Yeah, that’s a vegetable.”

Everytime one of the wingnuts demands we all take life-lessons and foreing policy ideas from shit like “24” or how life was just like “Ozzie & Harriet” before the darned ol’ Negroes got so uppity, I’m a bit shocked…until I remember they worship a bonified Hollywood actor. Then I get confused trying to figure out why they hate Hollywood so much if it produced Saint Ronnie.

Wingnuts. Who can figger ’em.


Sweet Freepin’ Jesus that Noonan is a nutter. I can’t believe she’s giving a 96 year old dead man a printed blowjob, and a nasty piece of shit like Reagan at that, a man who lied with complete conviction even though he knew he was lying, an asshole who declared that if there was to be violence against anti-Viet Nam War protesters, he wanted it to start right then in his state, a criminal who knew damned well the crimes he was committing in Iran-Contra, a shitty little elitist who railed against phoney “welfare queens”, a lying liar who tripled the national debt with his economic policies that simply increased the number of people living below the poverty line.

I guess you could say I don’t share Noonan’s crush on the Greatest President Ever to Have Altzheimer’s Disease…Out of the Past Four Presidents, That Is.

Noonan needs to dig Reagans mouldering meat up and get a room with it.


Peggy needs a new string of pearls.

C’mon over here, my lil’ Pegeen. Ronnie’s dead.


My only visit to America coincided with Reagan’s funeral, and let me tell you, it was a fucking brutal experience.

The European Championships were on at the same time, so I thought I’d be in for two weeks of drunken hooliganism and raging parties to send the old fraud off, but not a bit of it.

If anything, people seemed quite sad. What a disappointment, I just had to soldier on with a one man riot instead.

And to think, sniffy Europeans think the Americans are vulgar. They wouldn’t say that if they could’ve seen me pissing off the side of the catamaran while singing football songs in the harbour in Boston.


I was a kid during the Reagan years. One of my first political memories is as a 6 or so year old, watching Reagan testify in about Iran-Contra, and turning to my mother and asking, “mom, why is the president lying?”
If there’s one thing I can say George Bush has accomplished, it’s answering a question I long wondered over regarding Reagan. Was Ronnie the most incompetent president ever, or the most corrupt? The answer, of course, is sadly, neither.

I have fond memories of the day Reagan died, tho. Saw the Violent Femmes in concert, n they played Old Mother Reagan.
Snigger if you want at mention of the Femmes, but like They Might Be Giants and the B-52s I loved em too much in that 12-14 age range to ever turn on em now.


The question, His Grace, is whether Reagan’s family should even accept his sainthood if he is so chosen by the Pope.

I will always remember being a 12 year old during the second (?) Mondale-Reagan debate, when Reagan had AN ABSOLUTE FUCKING BLACKOUT/ SENILITY ATTACK right in the middle of a question, and the next morning the media just kind of said “Ha, ha, yeah, he’s a little old, but no worries.” It was right around then that I decided this country was, at bottom, insane.

That belief has served me quite well the last few years.


Sorry, first debate. And Reagan had his scripted line about youth and inexperience all cue-carded up for the second debate, and everyone laughed and said “That takes care of the age issue.”

Meanwhile, in Iran and Nicaragua…


Oops, wait, I wasn’t six. Closer to nine or ten. Forgot the relevant dates.


When the right wing was screeching about Bill Clinton’s corrupt appointees, I used to go, jeez, don’t any of you people remember Ann Gorsuch-Burford and James Watt? What about Iran Contra? These people are so selectively amnesiac, it’s like they’re trying to emulate Rotten Ronny Raygun’s senility. Amazing.

The whole fuckin’ eighties was about corruption of one kind or another, and it largely stemmed from the example set by the Reagan White House and its Wall Street buddies.


Hmmm…..maybe Peggy can tell us if a dead man’s cock is harder to suck then a live one. Given that’s she’s had both I mean.

Has anyone checked Regan’s mausoleum? Any pry marks on the casket? Because if there is I think we might have a suspect.


For the record, that was not meh.


Methinks teh l4m3 doth protest too much.

Personally, I stopped posting comments about presidential cocksucking many moons ago, since the last thing I need is the head of state’s penis thrust down my throat.

I deplore this relentless innuendo.


Still, Flying Rodent. The whole point is none of it can withstand the power of the Clenis. Sure, Reagan was a mighty man, a well-endowed man, a Babe the Blue Ox of Conservative Manhood Man.

And yet still they’re stuck in the shadow of the Clenis, which overcasts them all.

And don’t you long for the days when that was the only thing our president was thrusting down anyone’s throat?


I always pictured the Clenis as being slightly curved to the right, and tending downwards when tumescent. Not impressed, overall. But Clinton was a decent president…

Bush, on the other hand, I imagine as having a mighty tiny package…


I’ll take a “happy birthday” from Marilyn Monroe over one from Piggy Noonan any day, and JFK over Raygun as well.


Reagan’s secret was that he told mediocre people that they could be proud of themselves.


Check out the Reagan mug…and the Bush mug…and the Wal-Mart ass-kissing


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