I vote for Ann Althouse. Sure it comes with baggage, but it has a nice non-partisan ring to it.

There’s always The Ol’ Perfessor.

Jonah Pantload?

My suggestion would be something with profanity in it, though that would be counterproductive in moving wingnuts past fixating on your name.
Or how about Jenna Bush?

Oh don’t worry, I’m still silly and unserious.

Just like that leftist Kucinich!!!

…beat with axehandles; take a pistol to; gang rape; ’show [them] where Jimmy Hoffa is buried’…

Silly goose — those are all sexual, not homicidal euphemisms.

How about: Gabes Gabriel.

Just because that name is intrinsically funny.

Biff is always nice.

The joke is that someone so goofy and frivolous that he would choose to be identified as ‘Retardo Montalban’ is still serious and sane enough to see and comment on the creeps who are really batshit insane and clueless-fucktard stupid.

Suggestion: Stephen Hawkinginmyunderpants.

Name choosing is hard. I’m been thinking about doing something about my less then stellar moniker, but meh.

Something “Pogo” related, mayhaps?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pogo#Characters

Waitaminit, you’re Zaius? Where the hell do I remember that from, talk.origins? As for the new name I think you should go toga. Perhaps some play on the queerest of all Romans, Fabius Maximus? Incitatus, the name of the horse Caligula made consul, which someone else mentioned, is good because it would really irk Tacitus. I’m also rifling my memory banks for the most ludicrously turgid entry, don’t have it yet…

“Probus” has obvious potential.

Stephen Hawkinginmyunderpants

Argh. Too busy. Try “Stephen Hockingmyunderpants.” Works with the eBay crowd.

Isn’t it obvious? Biggus Dickus (Goldy will just LOVE that one!)

Eupenis?

Roman naming will just confuse em. Don’t go that route unless you feel like baffling them. How about you just shorten it to Montalban, go with the single word name, dropping the offensive Retardo and yet maintaining your name somewhat. Besides, the one word blogger name works, see TBogg, Atrios, TRex, etc.

Leftco Dollar. I know it’s lame, but I just got up for a V8 and I see this.

I’m glad you decided to stop mocking the mentally challenged though. I’m thinking of changing my name, to Stabbin Gavin. Cool, huh? Makes me seem tuff and stuff, don’t you think?

Or maybe I might just use my legal name, Gary Ruppert.

I dunno, but if you change your name, I’m changing mine too. I’m not gonna be outdone by you, hairdo.

If you must change it, I suggest Ronald Reagan

Donald Reagan? It would drive the nuts wild and also have a connecting with Lovable Scamp Donald Duck.

Here’s one, guaranteed to give them the vapors every time:

Dr. Deborah Frisch

Dude,

Seriously. I know I don’t have much capital on this site, but I do know something about dealing with trolls (I’ll spare you the links, but believe me, I have a great deal of experience with this) and the first and only rule of dealing with trolls is that classic bit of nonsense non-Latin: non illegitimus carborundum — don’t let the bastards grind you down.

You’re letting them in your head. You kinda have to, I grant; it’s the gig you’ve chosen… but having let them in your head, you are also allowing them to shit all over your cerebral furniture and piss in your mental broadloom. Or, to put it another way, you’re letting the bastards get you down. Don’t. Do. It.

Don’t change your name. Fuck them. You seriously expect to ever win any argument with a troll, especially a fucktard dipshit dumbass right wing conservative Republican tongue up Bush’s ass “I’ve never been right about one single goddam thing in my life besides the fact that Kathy O’Connell won’t go with me to the prom if I ask her, but still, I never have to admit that and I still get to go on TV and get my books published anyway” troll? That’s nuts.

You cannot win an argument with a troll. They are never wrong. If they are wrong, you are wronger. Do you honestly expect these people to ever, ever, EVER say to you “Hey, you’re right, buddy, we’re assholes and we always have been assholes and we have no credibility and you guys should just run the world and make it a better place and we’ll just be quiet and pay our taxes?” That’s insane. If you think about it, you KNOW it’s insane. When you get into this never ending battle, you have to know it’s a never ending battle, or at least, it isn’t going to end with them ever publicly admitting to defeat. They can’t do it. They are congenitally incapable of admitting that they are wrong, they are incorrect, their actions have consequences, they should be ashamed and make recompense or at least shut the fuck up and go away. They can’t do this. They have to make endless excuses, and, sure, you’re giving them an excuse with your chosen pseud, but you think by changing it you’ll undermine them? Hell, no.

Do not give in to them. ‘Retardo Montalban’ is an awesome psued, the joke is on them and always has been, they are not your peers or your equals and YOU MUST NOT LISTEN TO THEM. You are giving them far too much power over you. It’s obvious your pseud bothers them, so keep ramming it up their collective conservative troll asses.

And cheer the fuck up. You guys often piss me off, but I hit this site 18 times a day, and guess what? So do the fucking conservative trolls. That should be tribute enough.

Do not let those assholes lift a glass of Diet Coke to your defeat. You are Retardo Montalban. You bring it. Continue doing so.

Ronald O’Reagano? As you can tell, coming up with pseudonyms ain’t my speciality.

Jesse Malkin.

VOILA. In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violent, vicious, and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance. A vendetta, held as votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and virtuous. Yet verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it is in my very good honor to meet you, and you may call me V.

It is quite a conundrum, Retardo, and I share your dilemna! I have been considering a pseudonyn-change for a while (I found that some righty war-monger who is not me uses Major Woody on the fascist blogs, ugh!). I’ve got dibs on Hugh Jass, just in case you were thinkiing about it,

If you think a more serious nom-de-blog will serve you better in your battles with the wingnuts, then we’re right behind you. However, for one particular foe, would you mind posting with the name Dick Slapper?

Sincerely,
Hugh Jass, formerly Major Woody

Atrikos?

Some Guy and Major Woody, I will be terribly crushed if either of you change your names. And Retardo, longevity can give a name the sort of gravitas it might lack on its own. I’ve been D. Sidhe for a couple decades now, online and off, everywhere but on the government forms, and while, sure, it was originally a stupid in-joke, it has earned, if not respect, then at least some recognition among people who have no lives and probably think I’m someone else anyway.

Keep your name! The right will always be more shallow than you can possibly defeat. If you started using your legal name tomorrow, they’d start mocking that, too, and pretending you were unwilling to stand by anything you’ve written under the old one. Why let ’em have the satisfaction?

You know, Major Woody, I have been assured by family members that there actually is an army major named Woody. Or there was, at least a few years ago.

As for the name change, Monsieur Montalban, they’re not going to behave any differently no matter what handle you use. At this late state in this disatrous debacle of a Maladministration, only hard core Kool Aid drinkers are still spouting the propaganda.

Holden McGroin might work. Also Heywood Jablome.

If all else fails, though, go with Adam Yoshida.

My pick would be “Kenny Loggins” but never ever “Jim Messina.”

He really sucked.

Benjamin Nowhere. Or Aubrey McFate.

Lush Rimjob = my Rightwing alter ego.

What about Don Caganer – Masked Avenger of the Internet Tubes?

Gene, Gene, the Bloggin’ Machine?

What Doc Nebula said. You ought to be aiming to convince a (potentially imaginary) undecided bystander with your arguments, not the other side itself. These aren’t just arguments to them, they’re an essential part of their identity, and as such, you have about as much chance of logically convincing them to amputate a body part.

If you do change it just ’cause you want to, though, I’ll take the opportunity to do the same. I’m kinda tired of this one.

(Jeff – Heywood Jablome is already taken.)

Donald Reagan

He is an original wingnut, like Wichelle Walkin or Gaye, Krogan.

I don’t think that you will get ground down any slower if you change your name. Changing your name will prove to them that they got you on that point. The trolls/pasty/marble douchebag will still call you Retardo Montalban, maybe they’ll strikethrough it and replace it with your new name. Oh so very clever.

You’ll always be RM to me.

Unserious? Then go for a serious sounding name!

Baron Vladimir Harkonnen ~ ya got royalty, it’s also foreign sounding, but a tough foreign, not a Frenchy foreign

or the name of his current incarnation, Dick Fucking Cheney

or you could be lame & try to make an adverb out of a perfectly good first name. (that wasn’t my intent, my stepfather used to call me Seanly & I like it)

“George E.W. Bush”. They seem to take everything HE says seriously, so why not?

But who would ever listen to somebody who goes by “Poopyman”?

There’s more to this than meets the eye. It’s not just wingers and trolls who have a feeling about the Retardo name, I’ve seen prominent lefties criticize it, among them Chris at Creek Running North, and even I have been called on the carpet at my silly little disability blog for praising Sadly, No. I’m no champion of ridicule based on mental disability but I do subject myself to it in order to toughen up and because it makes me look beneath the surface to the heart of the person making fun, which I think is a good practice. Retardo’s heart is lovely, all the guys here are deceptively mean, so for that pomo twist alone I kind of hope it stays. Of course that’s just one opinion, and you must consider the source…

Roarke Cordoba.

In memory of Dan Riehl the third-stupidest winger in Christendom, how about Damn Real, or some euphonious variation thereol?

I vote for saying “screw them” and sticking with Retardo Montalban.

If you must change, I have two suggestions

R-Monty (the Sean Combs variant)

Retardo’ Montalban’ (the Marie’ Jon’ variant’)

I’m also gonna have to vote to keep it. Yes, I do periodically cringe internally at how much I appreciate your pseudonym, as un-PC as it is, but just last night I was commenting to my wife, for what must be the fifth time, just how much I enjoy the friction between well-written, intense, passionate screeds against the Reich, written under your pen name.

I think you’re stuck with it, man.

“Mertardo Rontalban.”

Keep the moniker Retardo.

The right wingnuttery, after their utterly dismal performance and superb failure, for the last 6 years, have zero credibility. Zip, zero, zilch, nada, none.

“Alexander Trajan Constantine Cincinnatius Belasarius” because if you want to be taken serious, you need a name with serious gravity.

Oh, also, you need to tag “the Great” on the end of that or no one will take you seriously.

Here are some possibilities:

A BLATANT RED MORON
BANANA MOLD RETORT
ROTTEN ROB MANDALA
LORD BETTOR MANANA
BADMAN RANT LOOTER
ALDERMAN TAN ROBOT
BAD ANAL TORMENTOR
MARBLED ANNOTATOR

You’re welcome to the pseudonym I used when I tried to break into stand-up comedy in the ’80s: Jandy Best. I didn’t make it, but the name tested well.

Other favorite concoctions of mine, now available, include: Hollingsworth Sylvester Barrister XIV, Cixelsyd Dog, Genre Izquierda

Also available, since I seldom use it, is my real name. Email for particulars..:)

How about Mr. October? In it y’got vanity, baseball, and revolution.

What ever it is, it should end with an apostrophe.

Reagan Montalban maybe?

I tend to agree that if your purpose is to seem more serious to the wingtards, you can’t possibly succeed. If, however, you are angling to be taken more seriously by the small subset of the MSM that pays attention to political bloggers, I agree that “Retardo Montalban” is a stumbling block. (I imagine “real journalists” would have trouble quoting “Retardo Montalban.”)

Anyway, though it won’t help you with that particular problem, I give you permission to use the pseudonym that I have, on rare occasions in the distant past, used: Abner Malotty.

Awlay Rofessorpay

I like “Evangenital”.

Eschaton has Blogroll Amnesty Day and Sadly, No! has Pseudonym Retirement Day. Such an exciting time to be online.

Whatever name you choose, use Debbie Schlussel’s picture. She won’t mind.

Gerald Fnord.

I’ve always wanted there to be a writer named Abe Igpu, so that I could reference him and be like, “Yet some critics disagree: Take Abe Igpu.”

Remark Lenard?

Harcourt Fenton Mudd?

Hairy Bean Stanton?

Mofonius Rex?

Y’got my sympathies Retardo

In the recent Tucker Carlson dust-up, I suddenly found I had to change my pseudonym, since it was shortened to TC and there’s no WAY I wanted to be mistaken for that chowderloaf.

As you can see, I’m no good at picking the pseuds either.

I say you go with RetardoAngel.

…And of course there’s the Japanese essayist, Takeshi Tonyu.

I have a Word file somewhere with a list of literally 200 of these, none of which helps ‘Tardo at all in the present circumstance.

Ricardo Montalmentallychallenged

John Smith

Or possibly…

Moniker Pending.

If you must change, you can always go the random route. Pick, say, an adjective and a noun at random until you come up with a name you like. For example….

Adequate Wombat
Sure-fire Mittens
Dubious Wicker
Harried Potato

You get the idea. It also works for punk bands and military actions.

Something with more gravity, eh? I suggest

“Black Hole A0620-00”

Or, if you can’t resist self-deferentially thumbing your nose at your o-so-unworthy adversaries, then

“Brown Hole A0620-00”

works too.

Tex Filer

HTML Mencken

Cassius Belli

I used the Martini Twins a couple of times but you’re welcome to have it
if only until something better comes along.

I am shocked and dismayed that no one has suggested Max Power yet.

How about a 6th grade classic: Jack Mehoff? Or Richard Head? The great ones never go out of style.

Homo Irockita

Stephen Den Wurste

Screw them. I say keep the name. Unless, as someone else pointed out before, you are trying to gain some sort of recognition with the media. In which case, may suggest Kill Bristol. But, you know if you are doing this just to appease the ‘nuttersphere, they will chalk it up as a victory and will use your old name anyway.

Habeas Dorkus

L. Gordon Giddy.

I think you should start calling yourself David Nieporent. Just something I made up.

William Redquist

Lord Hackton

AJP Gaylord

Bend Sinister (all Nabokov phrases should be considered)

Phineas Q. Throgsbottom

Allan Bloom’s Eromenos

The Sane Kagan

For Great Justice

Duncan Chartreuse

BTW, doesn’t Pantload look like the Numa Numa Yea
guy in that pic?

May I suggest an anagram of Retardo Montalban?

A BANAL ROD MEN TROT
A BANAL ROD MEN TORT
A BANAL ROD TORMENT
A BLATANT RED MORON
A BARMAN RETOLD NOT
A BANTAM LORD TONER
A BANTAM LORD TENOR
A ANAL BRED TOM TORN
A MANTRA BLOOD RENT
A MANTRA BLOOD TERN

http://wordsmith.org/anagram/anagram.cgi?anagram=retardo+montalban

Axis of Weevils

how about:

Mercutio Bollocks?

Johnny Cthulhupants?

Rex Quantum?

Reverend Sun Myung Moonpies?

M.I. Complex?

Victor Davis Handjob

I should have read all the comments first. I see someone got the anagram idea before I did.My favorites are:

A BLATANT RED MORON
ROTTEN ROB MANDALA

Alexander Troutman.

(all Nabokov phrases should be considered)

Pnin Diaz

Substance McGravitas

Serious O’Thoughtful

Major General Respectable Van Yesiagree

J. Beresford Gpixtzlnik
Vito Corleone
Oliver Kloesov
The Mighty Love Worm
Lark Drywall
Splegg
Fungal Lump

Cooter Jones.

The Sino-Vietnamese poet, Wihei Tieu.

What’s wrong with lofty Latinate names?

Signed, Dilapidus

Tardtoo?

Herve Villechaiselounge?

Tran Coulter? (for that Asian spice)

When in doubt, go with the classics!

I. P. Freely

History’s Greatest Munster

In “Another Roadside Attraction”, there was a character named Marx Marvelous. The dude chose the name because it represented the two things white american males hated moste – Marx for Communism and “Marvelous” for homosexuality. I’m pretty sure Robbins wouldn’t mind if you adopted ol’ Marx’s appelation…

mikey

I second the guy who suggested Gerald Fnord. If not that, then Harold Lord Randomfactor.

Theodor Adorknob
Gergen Habermas

The Chinese foreign minister, Hu Yoo Bang.

Sum Yung Gai

Sum Dum Prik

i say stay ethnic, it certainly gave retardo montalban that je ne se qoi…

jesus-with-an-h

Jorge Arbusto

Benito Camela (ven y tócamela)

garaldo ruperto

Ron P Melos Wevos

carvis jocker?

Yukio Mishigas

…I’m telling you, I have like 200 of these in a Word file somewhere, God knows why.

I’m thinking of changing my name, to Stabbin Gavin. Cool, huh? Makes me seem tuff and stuff, don’t you think?

Actually, it makes you seem like a Garbage Pail Kid…

Gene, Gene, the Bloggin’ Machine

Wow! A professor at my college was “Gene, Gene, the Teaching Machine”–coincidence?

Gerald Fnord.

I like this one, especially considering Robert Anton Wilson’s recent passing.

I also cast my vote for Biggus Dickus or even Thimon the Thadducees Thtrangler.

For funny puns, cartoon villains from Darkwing Duck or TaleSpin or Rescue Rangers are fertile ground. Also, Old Ambush Bug comics if you can find them.

For serious work, I usually go to mythos and pick epithets of appropriate characters, usually in the original language.

A Boy Named Francine

Oooh…given your penchant for long posts, how about Commodore Borington?

(Nothing personal: we’re watching Pirates on a snow day…)

Sioux C. Chapstick

John Norepente

Cookies for Everyone!

or maybe

I Like Pie!

According to the Pirate Name Generator, you should choose:

Bad-Rum Finn

Mafia Name Generator:

Leo Chainsaw

Gangsta Name:

Ribbed-cock Whacka

Taxi Driver name:

Masturbaba Sanders

Significant other Pet Name (??)

Sweet Anus (??????)

British name generator:

Rupert Callaghan

Fairy name generator:

Raindrop Petal Fountain

Hippie name generator:

Heart Mariana

Japanese name generator:

Keitaro Momotani

You shouldn’t give into these twads, retardo, but if your heart is set on a name change, it definitely should be an upgrade. Someone mentioned Benjamin Nowhere, which i liked a lot. Its got a whole heavily armed cyperpunk drug dealer vibe to it.
Or, you know, Tacitus could be pretty funny.

Dude… don’t let them define you.

I would let Retardo Montalban do my taxes. I’d buy a used car from him. Its a brand name that reeks of cleverness (or maybe bad whiskey).

Do you really care that they dismiss your work? They will dismiss it anyway, no matter the name. And what’s more fun than schooling the self-important faux-educated wingnuts as Retardo Montalban?

You’ve got a solid brand name with the people who matter (irony…ok, that don’t matter, but don’t matter in a way that matters).

Retardo for life!

Aidan Abettor
Or, to annoy Tacitus, ‘Roman Patronym’

Rigoletto Hamlet Oppenheimer McTragicmat; or

Buck Uppen Keeptheoldnameanddon’tletthetrollsgetchadown.

The last one’s Welsh, of course.

Nelson Muntz.

Ron Po’Peel

But, if you must, I bequeath to you my ultimate classic rock cover band name…. Denim Messiah

Gay:
Rob Bottoms
Richard Goblin
Mo Bates
D. Zell Butz

Porn:
Rod Johnson (you know, like a penis)
Buster Hymen (the jewish porn star)
Archie Mucusload (nice visual)

Actual Names from our mailing lists:
Candy Samples
Buster Ball
Todd Fartinger

The historian of Irish/Syrian/Italian/German heritage, ‘Declan Infalla DeRoma Nemper.’

I once worked in a warehouse and we received lots of books.

A stoner there spent a lot of time looking at the phone list for a guy called Harcourt Brace because there was a box for him.

Chuck U. Farley

Avant Tard

Pornelius

Iron Fistula

Clamp the Mighty Limpet

Tardacus

Gaius Pornelius Tacitus

(Author of the Anals and the Hysteries.)

Odius Asparagus
Varius Flavus

How about Ann Elkhouse?

Substance McGravitas

Good one! Maybe make that ‘Substancy’.

I think an earlier poster was onto something with the ‘Rex’ thing- Uranus Rex is all I could come up with so far.

I vote for “Uncle Fister.”

Because if you don’t take it, I’m going to go back to using it.

OMG I havent made it through the list yet but ‘Victor Davis Handjob’ made me spew my beverage. This thread is hilarious,

Tony Hancock, the man with four body parts in his name.

Jesus F.(ucking) Christ

Red and Expert

Stu Pendasdork
Hugh G. Rection
Miles Longue
k. d. jelly

The Man from Nantucket

I support “Gerald Fnord”, “Moniker Pending”, and the Disney villain thing. Consider “Reginald Bushroot”.

Moniker Pending may be my favorite. You could even be Sir Moniker Pending, Esq.

There’s already a Max Power hanging around, btw. Possibly at The Poor Man.

Homer Simpson changed his name to “Max Power”, and was an immediate success. Try it! Or then there is “Billary”

Fresh from today’s mailing list:

Rex Doom (I shit you not).

Changing it now does seem pointless. The argument goes from “this from a guy who calls himself Retardo Moltalban” to “this from a guy who used to go by the name …”

What’s the difference?

Didn’t work for Prince. Ain’t gonna work for you. Unless you want to just kill the character and just begin anew as a new guy completely.

But if you insist, how about Ace of Hoes?

Horst Schmidt.

(I actually met him once.)

Helmut Leiner.

Hey, speaking of Prince, how about just a made-up meaningless symbol? And/or you could be the Blogger Formerly Called Retardo Montalban, or BFCRM (pronounced “beef cream,” of course).

I vote for Beef Cream.

Gunga Dim.

Seriously, please reconsider the name change, for all the reasons listed previously.

At my first office job, we had a client named Harry Pussey. His wife’s name was Rosie.

Cox A. Slappin (inspired by Pasty)

Ronnie Reagan James Dio

Tucker of Orange

Baron Regnery von Buttlich

I’ll be sad to see the end of Retardo Montalban. I think you should keep it. Maybe adding a middle initial would throw them off.

Macaca Yapeepee

Reg Uspatoff.

Nostrildamus

Macaca Yapeepee

I vote for this one.

John Q. Pubic

The Sound and the Furry

You can use Joe Bivens if the price is right.

I think changing your name would be a show of weakness. Stand proud!

The suggestion to drop one of the names was good, so how about just Retardo? Oh, wait…

I’d wanted to suggest Milhouse Van Houten, but that probably won’t achieve your credibility goal either.

Perhaps the answer lies in your post. Donny Karobatsos? Walter Sobchak, perhaps? Or Gavin might be onto something with Roman Patronym. That has a very nice ring to it.

Excuse me, did one of you just call for me?

“Theodor Adorknob
Gergen Habermas ”

Damn, Gavin, you got the rebound, led the break, but
missed the layup…

Max Dorkheimer

Chris Larry Cordoba
Richard Corinthianleather

Or perhaps just KHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A glyph. Then book some radio interviews…

“We’re here with the blogger formerly known as Retardo Montalban. Um, welcome–”
“Thanks for having me, Judy.”

Don’t forget the other two monikers Homer Simpson presented to the name change judge:

Handsome B. Wonderful

Rembrandt Q. Einstein

Corinthian Leatherneck

Nukom Lucom
I’m too Retardo
Hobo McCheaper Craps

Shoelimpy

tardacus!!!

oh my god, i havent laughed this hard since that video with the guy yelling “dumbledore dies” to the throngs encamped waiting for the harry potter book….

the duke of ill

wanton calamite

bubba beanerbane

blakunin crunkpotkin

Islam O’Fascist.

Okay, so I said not to change, but this game is too much fun.

Sir Alec Genius

Bertha Betternyoo

Lord Inacton

George Wilt

Asparagus Spears (the name we were all hoping for for Britney’s baby, round my house)

Retardo Hussein Montalban

Pythagoras Jackson

Scurve Villechaize?

My suggestion would be either Lars Powderdry or Jack Bohlen. I already used Johnny Ambiguous and Johhny Sententious so you don’t want those.

Russ Ryder!!!

Even if Retardo doesn’t change his name, this is an awesome thread.

And, for everyone’s reading pleasure, the Canonical List of Weird Band Names:
http://sam.hochberg.com/bandname.html

Another couple of Simpsons names:

Slime Q. Slimedog
Gabbo

The Great White “HELP!”

Land of 1000 Dunces

Herme Villacheese, which translates as…

Herman Cheesehouse.

But I got to put in another vote for Gerald Fnord. Hands Down Too Damn Brilliant. Somebody has got to use it.

Garagdus Ruppertus

RM, please don’t change unless you really want do. Don’t let the asshats pressure you. That said, of the above suggestions, I heartily support Substance McGravitas.

If you’re aiming for truth in advertising, I suggest using a foreign language to tell it like it is: La Izquierda, La Gauche, or La Sinistra.

Or you could always just use your real name: Wycan Twee B. Rieznable.

Um. “do” = “to”

I had a hard day at work

Dittohead Montalban.

I still think you shouldn’t change your name. But if you’re going to, well, how about eschewing political references entirely and going for something even more basic, like… I dunno… Dork Diggler? Or Rick Blame? Son of Spam? Or, to continue with an already established theme… Pinin’ for the Fnords?

Nah. Keep Retardo. It’s a way cool name. If you ditch it, I may have to steal it.

If you’re just tired of the Reichtards, remember that we will always love you no matter how you sign your posts, and neither we nor they will ever forget the Retardo past anyways.

But you could use RMontalban if you’re going for the MSM-Gravitas market. When the Wingtards tried to bait you, you could tell them you’d changed the first part to ‘Reagan’ and then decided spelling it out was disrespectful to the Alzheimers community. Because irony is beyond their grasp, possibly a few troll heads would explode (with a tiny wet *piff* like a kleenex tearing).

Or you could use RWhitemountain, and if anyone complained, you could cite the long tradition of de-ethnicizing one’s patronym in order to Go Hollywood {g}. For gravitas, mention Lord Mountbatten.

Although LORD BETTER MANANA has… possibilities… too.

And if you’re just looking for something Extremely Non-Specific, back in the dim geological past my housemates came up with “Lesley Hobart” as the most context-free name imaginable. I doubt any of them would mind you taking it as your own, since they’d probably all enjoy your writing.

The last poster reminded me of my own college days. I roomed with a bunch of SubGeniuses. They decided that, when they wanted to subscribe to something for the house, you know any “free trials” or the like, without associating their own name with any of the junk mail houses of the day, they would choose one name and keep using it. The name they chose is entirely up for grabs, so far as I know, so if you’re interested, Bob X. Crusade is all yours.

I don’t have any original ideas, but I like Gerald Fnord — a double whammy. I like Moniker Pending, Esq., too. (Sorry, too pedantic to go with “Sir…, Esq., which is heraldically incorrect. I’m such a geek.)

P.S. to D. Sidhe: Dunno ’bout anyone else, but my weirdo brain always reads your nom as “Dishy.” 😉

I’m casting my first vote for staying with Retardo Montalban. If not that, then, as suggested above, Retardo Hussein Montalban.

I might also suggest:

Faith Everlast
Rich Corinthian

Grimprudent McSeriousadult, Professional Grown-up

Upon further reflection, I suggest Smedley.

I often cite Smedley in my comments — he’s the god of whatever is germane, e.g. Smedley the god of Rationales, Smedley the god of Evil Genius, or Smedley the god of Smoked Sausage.

Go with Smedley, Retardo.

P.S. to D. Sidhe: Dunno ’bout anyone else, but my weirdo brain always reads your nom as “Dishy.�

Hey, chimera, I’m the same way. Although I always inner-pronounce D. Sidhe as “Dee-sid-heh,” I find myself doing other weird interior monologues — with FMguru being “Eff Maguru” instead of “Eff Em Guru,” for example. Righteous Bubba is, of course, Righteous Bubba. Some things are classic.

Pervé Villechaize.

This is still going on?

Eddie Vulture
Emperor Guido
Ramalamadingdong
Spiro Gerbilmeister
Mad Dog Lubowski
Victorious Sweat
One-Eye Ramos
Osama Stalin, Jr.
Knute Gargoyle

Seriously, you ought to stick with Retardo Montalbon…

I dunno. Seems a bit cartoonish.

Well, I’d become rather fond of “Retardo Montalban” as a pseudonym, but if you’re going for MSM-Gravitas market (and really, your posts do deserve it) a change may be in order. Hmmm…..maybe something like Ambrose Pierced?

I like Stalwart Whiteman.

Anne Althausâ„¢ is free. To a good home.

I like Retardo Montalban. I think it’s a lovely nym. Especially when you can do the Retardeau thing with it.

If you’re tired of it, that’s one thing, but I sure as hell wouldn’t change it because of a bunch of right wing moronic fuckwits.

And whoever suggested Richard Goblin, I believe there is a Richard Goblin commenting at Steve Gilliard’s.

A name that can generate 203 comments is one worth keeping.

Bubba nailed it. If you don’t take Substance McGravitas, one of us probably will.

Gah. So many good suggestions, many of them genius, I dunno what to do. Meanwhile, Adam’s made the Pasty Comment Generator which I need to craft phrases for, and I’m all excited about getting my kicks in on the pro-war liberals whose teeth are suddenly, invitingly, showing.

I’ll make a decision by Monday.

The Puffington Host

[…] More:unknown View blog reactions Charlotte Newsvine:Charlotte January 17th,2007+Freshness […]

Retardo Hussein Montalban, if you don’t just keep it. Substance McGravitas and Rich Corinthian are good too. As for classics, what’s wrong with Rufus T. Firefly?

Phil Phuckley.
Sen. Sybil Librall.
Milton Freidwang.

Those are all terrible, however, so I vote for Retardo Hussain Montalban. Maybe you could make it Retardeau again, cos it’s French and therefore the most evil thing ever.

I suppose “I. Jack Hoff” would be unprofessional.

Whatcha MacCallum

Aristides St. McCain

Holden Moy Owen

Theophrastus Bombastus von Lowenbrau

I’ve got a late entry, Retardo! In honor of wanktastic Swedish meatball Yngwie Malmsteen:

The Fucking Fury, Unleashed.

Hell, if you pass on that, I might even use it myself.

Captain Bee Fart

Genghis McCain, Scourge of the Internets

Poo Doody

If it’s the “Retardo” part that’s worrysome, I think just changing it (like someone above said) to “R. Montalban” would be fine. Although “Hussain Montalban” would be kind of funny. Or “Jamil Montalban” – you don’t exist despite evidence to the contrary (on a side note, they’re sure good at trying to “out” lefties, but give them one Iraqi saying that it’s not all ponies in Iraq, and he just doesn’t exist!). Maybe “Professor Montalban”, which would kind of match a lot of your writings here (at least, that one makes sense to me). I don’t think that you should loose the “Montalban”, for whatever it’s worth.

Also, pasty and co. prove that using a nom de intertoobz is a very, very good idea, lest the crazies get out the axehandles or rape your children.

“Twit” sounds appropriate.

I always liked Norman Ormal and Tory Boy, but those were conjured by the unparalleled Harry Enfield. There are a couple of priceless sketches on Youtube of both which I can’t link to from work (net nanny!)

Here’s a bunch of (real) author names from Chapter 3 of “Bizarre Books”:

Istvan Apathy
Ludwig von Baldass
Arngrim Berserk
Hugo Bonk
Roger A. Destroyer
Robert Baby Buntin Dicebat
Gottfried Egg
Achilles Fang
Gergely Gergely
Dirk La Cock
Jup Kastrati
Hieronimus Knicker
Voltaire Molesworth
Professor A. Moron
James Patrick Sex
Negley King Teeters
Urban Grosskipper von Wipper (pseudonym)

Sorry, couldn’t read the whole thread, someone may have suggested it already-

But how about “The Leather Corinthian”

Gets you into the fake Greek realm, has a link to kinkiness and to your former name.

I’m still partial to the old favorite, Mike Oxlong, as long as you add a different sig line to each post dedicated to the doughy one saying something along the lines of…

…enough to beat you over the head

…to choke you into unconsciousness from the blue states

You get the idea.

Anyway, if you change it for any reason other than boredom, you’re just letting the terriers win, or something.

I have to admit, I really liked adding “hussein” as you middle suggestion.

But don’t go changin for me.

I really don’t think you should change your name, but the idea of tossing in “Hussein” must seem attractive.

I wonder if the H in Jesus H. Christ stood for Hussein…

Why not keep the Retardo, liberals like mocking the mentally challenged obviously, and change the last name to Buttfucker, to mock the homosexual men out there?

I mean, it’s all in good fun to mock people who are born different then you, right?

Even my four year old neice knows that “retard” is a word that should not be used.

I mean, there is always Nigger McMick, or Wog Van Kraut, or Dago Gookinstein.

Or my personal fave, Paki Du WopWop.

Fucktardo Montalban.

Don’t leave me alone out there, brother.

Please, I’m begging.

Yomama bin Fucktard

Funny how a guy who, at various times, has called himself Penius and Ebaneezer Spooge — along with several other references to the flip side of the joy coin — can be so caught up on my use of “cock.”

Actually, no it’s not, come to think of it. Perhaps you should perform one of your Adlerian analyses on yourself.

Anyway, change your internet name to whatever you want. But I’ll always think of you as KleptoBismal. Too bad you couldn’t have taken your [myspace link redacted] private before I grabbed all those screencaps of you trying to pull of that Bucky from “American Idol” homage.

And that poetry! Jesus, “Retardo”/”Penius”/”Klepto”/”Spooge” — It was like reading something that leaked from the facile Id of seventeen-year old angst pirate who’d read too many philosophy books he didn’t understand, and who’d just gotten his pinky bent back when he reached above his class for Harvest Queen Betty Sue’s breast during the senior hay ride.

Such misogynistic undertones! Is Amanda Marcotte aware of this — or does she forgive you because you’re on her “side,” politically?

For someone who likes to pretend he doesn’t take himself too seriously, you sure know how to lard on the pretense.

Christ. What a joke you are. Tell me, how many more times are you going to link to your “expose” of my “character”? Or is it safe to say you’ve hit your highpoint, and the rest of your days will be spent reliving those frantic few weeks where you culled and edited, pasted and consulted your Psych 101 books — only to come up with one of the most transparent hit pieces disguised as analysis ever to hit the web?

I think you should write a book about the experience. I mean, you’re like the internet Woodward and Bernstein all wrapped up into one little skinny punk trying desperately to prove he is not some Arkansas hick.

My advice? Just be yourself. Hell, I like Marshall Tucker as well as the next guy. No need to hide who you are, [insert litany of juvenille sobriquets here].

EMBRACE YOUR INNER HILLBILLY, Klepto / nee Retardo!

It’s ‘Bismol’, you dumbshit stalker. Get it right. And wow — I’m from Arkansas, really! No one would have known that what with my mentioning it here and at my other blog, I dunno, eleventy-seven times. Even our wikipedia entry states my geographical region .. You keep trying to slap me, Pasty, but the cock always springs back in your own face! God, that has to suck, huh?

How ’bout callin’ yo’self Dick Shine? Has a semi-realistic sound to it, yet captures your essence at the same time.

And “Bismol”, “Bismal” (sounds like “abysmal”)…..who the fuck cares except for you and your brown-nosed commentariat?

Retardo, my ex, Andrew Sullivan, claims that you have a very, very serious problem with “flatulence.” Indeed, I understand that that problem in the bedroom led to the final breakup. True??

Wow, never saw the poetry before. That’s….appalling. Well, if I wished Jane Hamsher well and meant it, I can certainly give J. my sympathies too. Hamsher may have the advantage of a treatable condition, though. You poor fellow.

A spelling error? Is that what you’re coming at me with? Because I misspelled one of your idiotic and fluid sobriquets? OUCH!

But so long as we’re playing that game, I’ll keep trying to find “nebulaic” in one of my dictionaries. So far they just keep insisting “nebulous” is a better fit.

Oh. And this may come as a surprise to you, but I don’t read your crap-ass verbal splurts unless I’m sent a link — and even then, very rarely. So that you’re from Arkansas is news to me. Though I suppose congratulations are in order for being so upfront about your geographical location. I mean, if you can’t bring yourself to reveal your name, there are at least degrees of personal bravery we should celebrate.

Glass half full, right?

And I find it funny that you refer to me as the stalker here. Like I said, pal, you can’t seem to quit me. It’s creepy. But hey, the folks here seem to love it, and maybe you just relish being the Joan Rivers of the blogosphere. Go on, tell me how ugly my dress is. From outside the building.

As for the “cock” stuff — well, it’s been pointed out that you might just be using me as an excuse to re-decorate your site with the word, given the frequency with which you reference what you pretend is my obsession. And your poetry seems to bear that out.

Here’s just a bit:

My anger was the cattle prod
You didn’t feel
My cock was the demi-god
You didn’t kneel

-AND-

rockstar cockstar
limelight whores
belly dancer necromancer
musical scores

-AND-

In other lives they might
have recieved a blowjob
or Isotoners on this holiday
— or maybe reborn or all or
none
A gift from a Magi

Perhaps its time you stop transferring your own predilection for the trouser meat onto me. You think?

Ahh, at last the original stalker chimes in.

Yes, at my then-girlfriend’s prompting I posted every scrap of doggerel I ever wrote as a gothy teenager, plus some that were attempts and failures at song lyrics only a bit later. A few were new at the time. How childish. Had I really been grown up, I would have been playing with lightsabers instead.

Wait Pasty! I’m talking to Tacky now!

But.. but wait a minute, after so many blowhard comments to the effect that my psychological profile of you was too superficial or facile, ‘psych 101’ stuff, you’re accusing me now of.. *projection*???!!?!

Bwahahahahah. Golden!

And as for ‘little bit’, IIRC (it’s been, you know, four years), that’s the extent of it.

As opposed to ..well, you know.

If I were Jeff Goldstein, I wouldn’t be mocking anyone’s creative writing. At least, not when “Issac and Rachel, A Love Story” is available for all to laugh at.

Also, if I had a penchant for ridiculous Jenn Sterger cowboy hats and stupid necklaces, I probably wouldn’t make big posts mocking people’s appearances. But that’s just me.

Blame the ex. Classy.

Anyway, on “stalking”: you make a lot of hay over having been Googled over the course of a single afternoon. On which: guilty! Why would one want to know just who has been obsessing over one for several years, eh? With such assiduous care, no less. With such — how to put it? — not especially intelligent attentiveness?

To say nothing of wondering about the fellow appropriating one’s wedding photos. Another classy move: and one, unlike the usual shrieking, that will have consequences. Fair warning, of course: you can seethe about the American Reich and its harbingers (TACITUS!!1!) all you like. And you will. But the moment I see my wife and/or a family member here, your paranoia — cowardice, really — will at last find its justification.

Cheers, J. Again: my sympathies in full.

But the moment I see my wife and/or a family member here, your paranoia — cowardice, really — will at last find its justification.

But the moment I see my wife and/or a family member here, your paranoia — cowardice, really — will at last find its justification.

Young Tacitus, if once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will, as it did Obi-Wan’s apprentice. A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack.

I know you’re not particularly bright, Tacky, but let’s see if you can keep this straight:

[apple] — a pic linked to from one’s political site; indeed a trove of pics lovingly linked to from one’s public, political site. As compared to:

[orange] — pics and personal information entirely divorced from public persona, with no weblink between them.

Anything on elementropy and S,N! is fair game, then, yes, just as everything on trevino.at or tacitus.org or redstate is fair game? See how it goes? I can’t help it if you put up the lightsaber pics and so many others. And really, your wife? Why would I do that? But then how many people have you and Goldstein outed, Mr. Online Integrity? ‘Do unto others’, right, Mr. SuperChristian? You dread it being done unto you? Relax.

And really, your first sentence is clueless-fucktard stupid even by your usual august standards. Of course I’m not blaming my ex — I wrote the shit — but merely providing — ahh, what is it that Pasty whines about when he or his commenters are quoted threatening sexual and physical assault ? — ‘context’.

Nah, you’re blaming the ex, and when called on it, claiming you’re not. Whatever. Typical.

The wedding photos are private, and always have been. Go check them now: not that you don’t know, of course. I un-privatized them for the benefit of a co-worker quite a while ago — November, I think — and then re-privatized them shortly thereafter. Which was when you grabbed ’em — saving them for a rainy day, apparently. Because that’s the sort of obsessive, stalkerish(!) thing you do.

Lord knows how many you have, or what you intend to do with them. And Lord knows how often you check my Flickr account for just such an opportunity. Freak. But again: fair warning.

Best to you, J. You’ll need it.

Umm, I dunno when or how long or how long ago you put them on your page, but I do know that the link to them, through your site, was left in comments here. No one had to mine google or god knows what else to find them; you promoted them yourself. Naturally, I looked and laughed. A lot. But would I do something so Trevinofied as to collect picture ammo on your family? Jesus, what do you think I am, some Online Integrity-promoting hypocrite wingnut?

No, the only thing I’m curious about wrt you, Tacky, is how much wingnut-welfare has to be in one’s account to still get an honorable discharge after going mentally AWOL?

Forget “Doughy”.

“Pantload” is pretty cool.

I am a JG fan, but you do seem to have some modicum of intelligence. Not bad for a lefty. You are now on my “favorites” list.

Your character is what it is: thriving off bile and the validation you receive from the attention of those whom you hate. (Doubtless this conversation alone will keep you going for weeks.) Little is beyond you: which is why your prudent cowardice precludes anything but pseudonymity, lest there be accountability. Hence my oft-expressed pity.

You know, and I know, what you are. This is sufficient for me: your posturing for the audience is simply that.

Warning given, hasty excuses made, appropriate fear instilled: my work is done here. Perhaps you can write a poem about it.

appropriate fear instilled

Goddammit, have nothing you learned? Fear is the way of the Dark Side. You’re going to lose your lightsaber privileges.

Behold the savior:

http://flickr.com/photos/43856895@N00/368396629/

Hey, I never claimed to be doing an “Adlerian” analysis, “Retardo.” I linked to the “projection” as I “diagnosed it.” Then I cited your poetic obsession with the pudendum and the penis. People can decide for themselves why you seem so disturbingly obsessed with someone you claim to disdain so feverishly.

That you can’t go a week without reminding people of my supposed obsession with the cock, though, is starting even to make many of your diehard regulars, I’d venture, wonder about your real motivations. In that, “My goodness, he sure has been a camp counselor a long time kinda way.”

No worries though. A simple “Bwahahahahaha!” ironizes it all away.

This is just a bad dream, Retardo. When you wake up in the morning, nobody will be quoting your verse in all it’s “nebulaic” power.

Oh, and snagglepuss? If you’re going to mention the story, at least link it.

After all, not everyone takes their literary cues from tbogg — and I know of at least one poet who liked it enough to have me come read it to her class several years back.

But then, she doesn’t develop spatial strategies for customer service windows, so what does she know about writing…?

Wow! Some professor at Buttfuck State thought your little story was good?! Does your mommy like it too?

So the cowboy hat and necklace are part of your schtick, like Owen Wilson in the Royal Tannenbaums? Just a tip, I think you have to be a successful writer to pull that off.

Sorry, Pasty, I’ll get to you soon, but right now I’m concerned with Tacky.

*What* does this:

Best to you, J. You’ll need it.

appropriate fear instilled:

mean? Silly me. I thought the possibly actionable threats this time would come from Pasty’s goons, not from Mister ‘sober conservative’.

Hey, Pasty, when Deb Frisch did to you what your commenters with your blessing and instigation did to Thers, what channels did you go through? Lil’ help?

Yeah, I’ll give you a little help, [RETARDO’s name].

Either you produce proof that I gave my blessings and instigation to any mention of Thersites daughter, or you retract that statement. Clear enough?

I asked Thersites on numerous occasions to produce the IP. I denounced any mention of his daughter, both publicly and to him via email. I have those emails, and the comments are on my site.

You being such an intellectual fraud, however, I’ve no doubt that you will continue to push this canard even in the face of overwhelming evidence that it isn’t true. What makes it all the more appalling is that you know it not to be true, Thersites knows it not to be true, and everyone who was following along in that thread knows it not to be true.

I said I would check the IP against my commenters IPs and happily pass along the information to Thersites, including a name and an email address.

For his part, he never even made the attempt. Instead, he’s relied on the subsequent accusation — and on lying cyberflacks like you who are wiling to push the falsehood — to smear me and my commenters.

You don’t even have the intellectual courage to put your money where your mouth is, Josh. Which is why you feel free to libel people — just so long as you do it under an assumed name. You are a fucking coward, and no matter how many people here puff you up — or no matter how gallantly you think you’re walking the streets of Arkansas in you Nihilist t-shirt, thumbing your nose at the establishment — you know it, too.

As for what channels I’ve gone through in my attempts to rein in a certain pary (who, seven months after the incident is still posting daily on the topic, and who just recently called and threatened noted wingnut Jeralyn Merritt), I’m keeping that close to the vest for the time being.

But were I you, I’d be extremely careful about posting libelous comments. Call me a fucktard if you’d like. I couldn’t care less. But if you are going to continue to suggest that I had anything to do with threats made against a child, you’d better be damn sure you can back it up.

Because who knows — a certain party who has relied on your version of events to justify her actions might just be calling you as a witness some day.

‘Libel people’? Do you really want to do this, you fucking fool? Do you not understand that there *is still* evidence that you and your commenters have threatened many people with sexual and physical assault as well as murder, you stupid fuck?

The ‘axe-handles’ and ‘take a gun to Eschacon II’ stuff I saved precisely because while I can’t reproduce Thers’s archive, I can point to the logic that says people who are capable of ‘this x’ are surely capable of ‘that y’. Even you might be able to grasp this fact. And here you are trying to out me (boy that’ll look good!).

Look, call it libel if you want, but it’s perfectly reasonable in a legal sense to say that you and your commenters are psychopaths. Please sue me for that. Pretty please? Sugar and candy?

As for Thers’s: how about ‘probably’, or ‘it makes sense to assume’. Because it does. You’re capable of any depravity, Klonopin Boy, because, well, you’re crazy. But you’re right, I don’t have proof *of that instance*. I’ve just got proof of others — I wrote a post about it you might have read!

For a Republican, Jeff G sure does like the frivolous lawsuit or threat thereof. Whatever happened to tort reform?

[…] If only there were a convenient pool of fake names sitting around somewhere. Oh wait… […]

I think “I’m gonna sue you!! FOR LIBUL! My brother-in-law is a lawyer!!!” has actually overtaken “I’m gonna beat u up irl, dick,” as the hollowest and therefore most entertaining threat from the internets.

there’s probably a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why Jeffy doesn’t have his phd – you know, he was ‘that close’ to getting it, but decided that it was more important to stay at home scarfing klonopin while his wife put on the pants and went to work.

the schoolyard antics of crapitus and goldstain are entertaining only in that they keep coming back and leaving inane comment after inane comment.

here’s a good name: Biff Goldstain.

or howsabout

Crapitus
PowerWhine
ProteinJizdom
Little Green NoBalls
Fascitist
Quaint Genevist
Extraordinary Renditionist
Preemptive Warmonger
Ass of Spades
The Colonel (of Colonel’s Quarters)
Armchair Wingnut
Virginetrix
MisterAnnieAngel
Anthrax Cuntler
Lefty McLiberal

any other ideas?

The Duke of Oil
Dick Chain
Hussein Dahouse

From the article linked to here:

http://www.sadlyno.com/archives/4864.html

General Lance Lord (I vote for that one)

Pete Teets

My housemates used to use Hans Gruber all the time as a fake name. (The bad guy in Die Hard).

I ended up with a career in marketing and found out that virtually every mailing list has a Hans Gruber on it. And I thought those guys were being original.

Wow, I read through that entire gargantuan thread and I saw no one mention the name I thought for sure this ‘Seinfeld’ quotin’ blog would mention:

Isosceles Kramer

In my youth (when I was only slightly geekier than I am now) I role-played quite a bit. One rule we had then was that if you came without a character name the group would select one for you. It led to many hilarity-filled episodes similar to this thread (until the fascists showed up here to spoil it for everyone). One name that stands out in my memory is thus:

Juan-abdul Schwartzesphincter

A good multi-cultural name. I favor anything with ‘Turnipseed’ in it, too.

I asked Thersites on numerous occasions to produce the IP

He couldn’t have, because the comments were by Blogger and the IP wasn’t available to him. As you must well know.

Trevino, you are SUCH a tool.

Ivanha T’zcmiova

Anyone who mentions “suing” anyone ever again on this blog or any other will be banned.

i don’t make up the rules, I just make up the rules.

http://missannieangel.blogspot.com/2005/12/new-orleans-witness.html

Best poem ever on the internets.

taj mahooligan
pope apotomus
vagenta breeze (wait, that’s a douche)
stephen s sfinkwad
Jizo

How about “Scooter Libby”?

Oh wait, that name is so stupid no one would want it.

how about Scooter Liberal?

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