Gramps Roberts Sez: “The GOP Needs More Dicks.”
Really, that’s the gist of his column today:
Men: last great hope of the Republican Party
Carey Roberts
January 15, 2007A few years ago, Democratic pollster Celinda Lake sounded the alarm that the Dems needed to reach out to male voters, or else resign itself to becoming a party of the perpetual minority. At first everyone laughed her off.
Since the majority of people in this country are actually women, I can kinda see why.
Then candidate John Kerry disastrously admitted in the 2004 campaign that his wife and daughters “kick me around,” and New York Times writer Frank Rich accused Kerry of being a Girlie-Man.
So after the Dems counted their losses and licked their wounds, Representative Rahm Emanuel, Senator Charles Schumer, and John Lapp, former director of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, sat down for a long, hard talk. They decided to put together a new game plan — one that would feature new faces, all men — check that, macho men.
Macho men like Claire McCaskill and Tammy Duckworth!
Why? Because “Presidential politics, but also the rest of national political leadership, has a lot to do with the understandable desire of voters for leadership, strength, clarity, and sureness,” according to Jim Jordan, John’s Kerry’s first presidential campaign manager. [www.nytimes.com/2007/01/07/weekinreview/07lizza.html]
So the trio drafted some go-to guys to run for the House, like former NFL quarterback Heath Schuler. They recruited Joe Sestak, former Navy vice admiral; Patrick Murphy, an Iraq war veteran; Brad Ellsworth, an Indiana sheriff; and Chris Carney, commander in the Navy reserves.
In the Senate, former Marine Jim Webb and Jon Tester, the Montana farmer who sports a no-nonsense buzz-cut, agreed to run.
Whoa, whoa. Carey. Are you telling me that your sole qualification for being manly is sporting a “no-nonsense buzzcut?” You’re fucking serious.
Maybe these guys didn’t toe the party line on abortion rights for 13-year-old girls. But they did bring an ample supply of testosterone to the line-up. And they all triumphed in their contests.
“Their firm buttocks and broad shoulders reminded me of the time I was swept off my feet by a World War I Navy man back when I was 78 years old…”
Even the feminists had to admit the male electorate had been pivotal. “If only men had voted,” crowed Eleanor Smeal, publisher of Ms. Magazine, “Jim Webb (D-Va.), Jon Tester (D-Mont.), and Claire McCaskill (D-Mo.) would have lost.”
Uh. Erm. Doesn’t that actually say more about the importance of female voters in the Democrats’ success?
So what about the muscularity quotient of the Republican Party?
Honestly, we’d have to say it’s a mixed bag. President Bush certainly comes across as courageous, resolute, and steady at the helm. Maybe not in the same league as a Brett Favre or John Elway, but certainly stands tall in the pocket.
Carey, I’ll be honest with you, old old old old old buddy: you’re really gaying me out.
But during the last presidential campaign, I saw Barbara and Laura Bush speak before a televised gathering of Republican women. That’s when I realized something had gone terribly wrong.
“Women were talking instead of cooking food, or making out with each other and letting me watch! FOR SHAME!”
Barbara recounted the story when George W. had put his feet on the living room furniture, only to earn a stern rebuke from the woman of the house. Then she bragged how President Bush was surrounded by a gaggle of “strong women” — as if they were calling the shots. Both accounts were greeted by roaring laughter from the women in the audience.
And then there was the White House Press Correspondent’s Dinner where Laura made tasteless jokes at her husband’s expense.
Since when is it acceptable to announce to the world that the president of the United States is a hen-pecked husband? What’s next — Bill bragging that he’s the quarterback of the operation and Hillary is a political rookie?
It’s no secret, men and women view the world through a different prism. Men value self-reliance, risk-taking, and action. Men are put off by the primping, pouting, and pontificating of celebrity-types like Rosie and Roseanne.
Shorter Carey Roberts: “No fat chicks.”
In contrast, women are more interested in safety and security, even if it means an occasional intrusion of the Nanny State. As columnist Allison Brown put it, “Most women are natural socialists.”
Yes, we want women to support our issues. But if you lean too far in casting your message to the members of the fairer sex, you risk betraying your core principles as the standard-bearer of limited government and fiscal restraint.
Shorter Carey Roberts: “Women are pussies.”
It’s no secret that the Republican party is in disarray. Its conservative base is in revolt, a front-runner for the 2008 race has yet to emerge, and the president’s governing strategy with the Dems remains in flux.
So Republicans, it’s time to field your veteran players.
No doubt, men are tired of being dissed. Remember the “W Stands for Women” campaign slogan? For every woman who was swayed by that bumper sticker to vote Republican, I’m sure two disgusted male voters decided to take their business elsewhere.
Action item for the Republican National Committee: Here’s your next campaign slogan: “G.O.P. Stands for Guys.”
“…and not for Gays.”
And look at all the big-government, civil liberties-destroying, family-intrusive programs that the Lefties have been stuffing down our throats — when are you men going to move up to the big leagues?
Yeah, Carey wants some manly conservative guys stuffing things down his throat.
Speaking of which, the Super Bowl is just around the corner. I’ve invited some of the gang to come over for beer and pizza.
Has anyone told Carey that Bob Hope and George Burns won’t be coming to his party this year?
So Mr. President, consider this an invitation. You can put your feet on my furniture anytime.
“And you can put your pee-pee in my…”
Mr. Altrocket, can you honestly say that Old Grandad makes any less sense than Ace, or Godlstein (or Kevin, for that matter)?
P.S. Draw Lil’ Debbie!
What strange fixations that old guy has. You are right that he seems almost gay or, …. something.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1nFQ0yZokY
Old man Carey.
So … Representative Rahm Emanuel, Senator Charles Schumer, and John Lapp, former director of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, sat down for a long, hard talk. They decided to put together a new game plan – one that would feature new faces, all men – check that, macho men.
Because macho men are just the ticket after a long, hard, talk.
But they did bring an ample supply of testosterone to the line-up.
Because there’s nothing modern politics needs more than extra testosterone. Homeland Security has plans to issue each household some duct tape and a football player’s jockstrap.
President Bush certainly comes across as courageous, resolute, and steady at the helm.
Yes, he certainly comes across that way. It’s just a pity that he’s a total wankstain.
but certainly stands tall in the pocket.
“Stands tall in the pocket”?!? Whoopsie, sailor. Where’s the Benny Hill music when you need it?
Men value self-reliance, risk-taking, and action.
And that highest expression of male values, the biscuit game.
No doubt, men are tired of being dissed.
You what? Who’s been bad-mouthing the menfolk? Is it that plethora of pretendy politicians with boobies?
I’ve invited some of the gang to come over for beer and pizza.
And we’re gonna play the biscuit game. Because we’re men, dagnabbit, and not pussies.
Are you telling me that your sole qualification for being manly is sporting a “no-nonsense buzzcut?�
It also helps to sport a long thick slab of penis.
Licking wounds, long hard talks, standing tall in the pocket, testosterone, macho men….jeez Carey, I’d pay to send a stripper to show up at your Super Bowl party if I thought your heart wouldn’t explode.
OT:
Best. NRO. Comment. Evah:
Re: Jack Bauer [Kathryn Jean Lopez]
To everyone who goes to work today protecting you, me, our families, freedom: Remember Valencia.
And to everyone who goes to work today protecting you, me, our families, freedom from giant killer asteroids: Remember Harry Stamper. Godspped, Harry, Godspeed.
In contrast, women are more interested in safety and security, even if it means an occasional intrusion of the Nanny State.
Glenn Reynolds is a woman?
Sorry folks. I posted the Reynolds thing.
No doubt, men are tired of being dissed. Remember the “W Stands for Women� campaign slogan? For every woman who was swayed by that bumper sticker to vote Republican, I’m sure two disgusted male voters decided to take their business elsewhere.
“W stands for WANG, damnit! Say it loud and say it proud! WANG WANG WANGWANGWANGWANG!”
Speaking of which, the Super Bowl is just around the corner. I’ve invited some of the gang to come over for beer and pizza. So Mr. President, consider this an invitation. You can put your feet on my furniture anytime.
Carey’s looking forward to seeing Prince perform in the halftime show!
I know it’s cliche, but this guy is the embodyment of the “back in the old days when men were men and the sheep were scared.” mentality.
This guy used to get a boner everytime Woodrow Wilson would walk by.
Even the feminists had to admit the male electorate had been pivotal. “If only men had voted,� crowed Eleanor Smeal, publisher of Ms. Magazine, “Jim Webb (D-Va.), Jon Tester (D-Mont.), and Claire McCaskill (D-Mo.) would have lost.�
Yeah, that’s classic. If only Y had voted (and X had not), candidates A, B, and C would have lost. Thus, Y was pivotal to their election. Sure.
Oh, wait. I think I just realized it. I think Carey thinks she means “(If only) (men had voted),” which makes it some kind of bizarre gloat about low male voting numbers.
I will never understand how anyone with even vestigial gaydar thinks Dubya is a manly, macho, strong and silent, brave, resolute, steady, totally heterosexual kind of guy. I mean, what the hell? Are you people *blind*?
“Men are put off by the primping, pouting, and pontificating of celebrity-types like Rosie and Roseanne.”
Yeah! We prefer the primping, pouting, and pontificating of The Donald.
Are you people *blind*?
D., look at the bay-window bifocals in the author pic above. What do you think?
Whenever I see Gramps’s picture, I think, “Don’t people usually choose the best photo they have for their Web site?” I wonder if in real life Gramps is already decomposing. Political thinking by the living dead.
If we examine the language used here to . . .
No. It’s too easy.
I wonder if in real life Gramps is already decomposing.
That pic was taken years ago too.
I still say he makes Junior Soprano look good.
Shorter Carey: GIT THE HELL OFF’A MY LA….Oh, not you bobby. Come on in, put your feet up on the table, take a dump on the carpet, have some beer. You ever seen an old guy naked, bobby?
mikey
Reminds me of a joke I once told. My brother was home from Wisconsin for the holidays. He was complain that couldn’t get this free turkey he won from the local chain of grocery stores because this store didn’t have any branches in Maryland. I said, There are plenty of Dicks in Washington. Bah-bump-ching!
“Dissed”? Da-hamn, the old man is hip! This ain’t your daddy’s great-granddaddy!
Representative Rahm Emanuel, Senator Charles Schumer, and John Lapp, former director of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, sat down for a long, hard talk.
Was it also throbbing? Because I don’t know if I’d be interested in a long, hard talk if it wasn’t also throbbing…
Say what you will about Carey Roberts, but he’s always been funny on Family Guy.
“Just thinkin’ about the muscly-armed paper boy …. Sure am missin’ him ….”
I’d say the GOP has all the dicks it can handle, but then Mark Foley proved me wrong.
Thank you, I’m here all night! Try the veal!
It’s so much fun talking about big dicks. isn’t it. Is this the Viagra effect on oldsters?
Carey’s photo would be well served on a jar of the ‘best tasting’ jam ever.
Just sayin.
certainly stands tall in the pocket
The only way I can make sense of Roberts’ choice of images is to assume that he was brought up by kangaroos.
What are the odds Carey Roberts stands even 5 feet tall at this point? He was born in 1842, for fucks sake. He’s probably not even 4’6″. His problem with women is they’re bigger than he is. Also, his penis is so shriveled many gals have clits which are effectively bigger dicks. The only way he has left to please a woman is to die.
On the other hand, he’s rapidly joining Pam Atlas in the top rank of funniest batshit wingnuts.
Shorter Carey: “Would you like to come inside and have a popsickle?”
That is absolutely the gayest thing I have ever read. In the words of Patton Oswalt, it’s gayer than eight guys blowin’ nine guys.
I can just see Carey hanging a “NO GURLS ALLOWD” sign on the front door of the White House, Little Rascals-style, with the S backwards and everything.
I definitely would not want that guy living in my neighborhood. He looks like he should be wearing an SS uniform and have an Apt Pupil.
***As columnist Allison Brown put it, “Most women are natural socialists.â€? *** – I don’t know if I’m a ‘natural’ socialist, the way I’m a ‘natural’ redhead, but after a few years under the rule of the house of Bush, I’ve become a rather ardent socialist. Nature vs. nurture, who knows?
And “standing tall in the pocket”? Jeesh, I thought I’d heard every old timer phrase there is, growing up on the Missouri border with my grandparents. Maybe it’s some old wingnnut expression, in which case my lefty grandparents wouldn’t have known it, or else they might have thought it not a fit phrase to use in front of the grandkids, since I can only think of one thing that would, um, stand tall in a pocket, if you poked a hole in said pocket.
Maybe it’s just a gun he’s got in there?
President Bush…certainly stands tall in the pocket.
It’s the opposite of being in some lobby group’s back saddle.
My first reaction when I read that sentence was to visualise a billiards table somewhere in a White House Basement, so large that players run around on it and fall into… OK, ’nuff said.
I’m winning the war on Islamoliberalhomomexicanfacists with my superior cognative skills!
Man-crush subtext aside, the ability to “stand tall in the pocket” is a virtue ascribed to football quarterbacks. “The pocket”, in context, is the area of relative safety behind the offensive line from which the quarterback typically throws a pass.
Both Farv…ruh and Elway are QBs. Its a dubious and misapplied sports reference. Try not to be shocked.
Thanks kingubu, that would explain why I’ve never heard the phrase. The only thing I’ve ever liked about football was the book (not the movie) North Dallas Forty. 🙂
Tough stuff coming from an old man with a gender neutral name.
“In contrast, women are more interested in safety and security, even if it means an occasional intrusion of the Nanny State.”
Considering the non-stop Republican hand-wringing and bedwetting over the hordes of Islamofascists hiding in every closet waiting to kill us all, I’m confused: is he saying that Republicans are all a bunch of pro-Nanny State women?
I’d agree on the Nanny State part, but I’d hesitate to stoop to the schoolyard logic equating weakness with women (tho I’m sure it would register as a huge insult to the Robertses of the world).
Am I correct in my understanding of Roberts wanting a ticket of Elway-Favre in ’08? And that their central platform being a 10% increase in feet on furniture?
Finally clicked on Steve_e’s video to see he beat me by a mile with the Family Guy reference.
Bastard.
And no chicks allowed in the TV room during football games, except if bringing snacks or beverages. Just like the Constitution says!
President Bush certainly comes across as courageous, resolute, and steady at the helm.
Yeah, the helm of the ‘USA Valdez’.
“Steady as she goes, Number One! heh! She goes number one. hehehe…”
He hates those anti-civil liberties Democrats, but those anti-civil rights GOPers are dreamy.
Am I correct in my understanding of Roberts wanting a ticket of Elway-Favre in ‘08? And that their central platform being a 10% increase in feet on furniture?
Yes. Or 20%. They’re waiting for the Rasmussen overnights.
He’s only OK with the feet-on-the-furniture because he put all his hand-crocheted “Rose of Texas” doilies out. They’re vintage!
So what about the muscularity quotient of the Republican Party?
Umm…”mascularity quotient?” Seesh! No wonder he likes Shrubya so much – they’re both out to rewrite the English language!
Yes, we want women to support our issues. But if you lean too far in casting your message to the members of the fairer sex, you risk betraying your core principles as the standard-bearer of limited government and fiscal restraint.
Wait a minute. Is he saying that Republicans are the standard-bearers of limited government and fiscal restraint?
Bwahhaaahaaahaahaahaaaa! and again
Bwahhaaahaaahaahaahaaaa!
But seriously, kingubu’s post identifying Gramp Robert’s reference to “standing tall in the pocket” as football terminology put me on the right track. Bush is escalating the war in Iraq because he desperately fears the accusation of having “happy feet.”
Happy feet. Subliminally pansy-suggestive term for a condition that befalls quarterbacks who get skittish under pressure and flee the pocket early for fear of getting hit.
http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2005/10/footballsnob200510?currentPage=2
It’s all about Bush NOT having happy feet! Do you get it now? Your (goddess help you) president DOES NOT HAVE HAPPY FEET! He’s unpopular, but he doesn’t care, because if he admits to failure he’s GIVING IN, and fleeing the pocket too early, like a pansy little girl.
When isn’t it worth thousands of casualties to avoid having the peons hurl accusations of “happy feet” against the sexually insecure President of the U.S.?
Thanks, Kingubu — the only previous references to “standing tall in the pocket” that I could remember were sniggering remarks made by my late father & his buddies back when Joe Namath was still paid for quarterbacking. So I knew it was a feetball reference, but only in the context of a quarterback taking money for wearing pantyhose in public. Yes, grasshoppers, working-class men made gay-tastic jokes even in the 1960s. And here Cary Roberts thought Teh Gay was invented by Nancy Pelosi during the Clinton era!
“And you can put your pee-pee in my…�
LALALALALA NOT LISTENING!
Seriously, Bush on Corey sex?
EWWWWW
Yes, the Dems certainly push manly men like Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House. Or Amy Klobachar, who won by a huge margin over a 3 term Republican congressman (and Bush robot, who tried to reinvent himself as independent) for Minnesota’s Senate seat. Or potential presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton.
We need more manly Republican men like Mark Foley. Or Reverend Haggard.
How much longer before deliberate chauvinism and misogyny becomes part and parcel of the GOP’s articles of faith?
(Especially the sort as can be used for the sake of doublethink.)
This is solid proof that Fox News has captured the hearts and minds of the Skilled Nursing Facility crowd. Woe to the republic.