Pasty, Again
I see that some amateur chemist in Colorado has managed to combine paste, Klonopin, battery acid, and methamphetamine into one potent cocktail, with Jeff Goldstein as the guinea pig. (Hey, it’s a paying job!)
But doesn’t he worry about side effects? Logorrhea-cha-cha-cha, constipation, shriveled cock? While the last may cause him some concern, on the whole.. nah, probably not.
Nah, he doesn’t care; someone else (his wife, mental ward orderlies, TBogg) is always there to clean up the mess:
Fine…now that Goldstein has left I have to pick up the empties, dump the ashtrays, count the silverware, see what he stole out of the medicine cabinet…
tbogg | Homepage | 01.04.07 – 7:17 pm | #
I read somewhere today that DNC ’08 will be in Denver. Hmm, when someone is arrested for trying to carry in axehandles or concealed handguns, or is found harrassing conventioners’ toddlers by commenting about their cocksucking lips, or is hogtied and shot-up with Thorazine for trying to slap strangers with his cock, we’ll know whose mugshot to look for.
Above: “Are you threatening me? I am the Great
Cockslappio! I need Klonopin for my piehole!”
Anyway, Goldstein’s even more than usually batshit appearance at TBogg’s reminds me: can anyone tech savvy help me with a Pasty Comment Generator?
Here’s the formula:
- Exaggerated wingnut position, in tone of a sarcastic but witless sneer; e.g. ‘I heartily endorse George Bush’s Amerikkka! Kill the brown people!’ This provides the function of belittling all complaints about wingnuttery; Goldstein is saying we manufacture outrage from whole cloth, that there’s nothing to really be outraged about.
+
- Mockery of people who call him on his bullshit: e.g., ‘speak the truth to power, brave “progressives”‘
+
- Corrollary to above, makes comment extolling the vices and depravities he has been caught at previously: e.g. ‘I’ll slap you with my cock, ’cause don’t you know I’m CRAZY?!’
+
- Pretends to excuse himself from the discussion to go….
+
- Consume something: Often a redneck culture namecheck, e.g. ‘Go watch Hee Haw reruns’
+
- …And do something else stereotypically wingnut, e.g. ‘clean my muzzleloader’, or ‘dream of glassifying Arabia’, or ‘pray to Jesus and Robert E. Lee’
+
- Must italicize some portion of phrase. Must. Must.
=
Wingnut ‘comedy’ gold.
Because, see, no wingnuts really do or think such things! There are no rednecks, no Jesus Freaks, no clay-eating cretins who dream of genocide: all that’s a Lefty strawman! There is no Hoffer-esque mass movement among the Bush-lovers, no mass-fantasizing of genocide and war crimes, no general bent toward Constitution-shredding, no bigotry! Proof? Well Goldstein can’t be a Jesus Freak from the South, he’s a non-observing Jew from Colorado! Glenn Reynolds isn’t an illiterate living in a corrugated tin shack, he’s a tenured professor! Goldstein’s buddy Patrick Bateman Stephen Green doesn’t shop at Wal-Mart for Left Behind paperbacks, he ..etc.
So Goldstein’s ‘comedic point’ is, what? ‘Neener, neener, Lefties think stereotypes are real timesavers’?
Whatever. Just because Goldstein, et al., do not personally conform to all the stereotypical attributes of Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel doesn’t mean that they too aren’t wearing scorched Sears active wear in political spirit. What’s important is that whatever their socio-economic, religious, or ethnic backgrounds — and whatever their cultural tastes — these three, like so many others, are batshit extremist fuckheads: Goldstein’s a torture-apologist and purveyor of dolchstosslegende; Reynolds is of course populizer of ‘Glennocidal Tendencies‘, a moral position to which Bateman-Green also pointedly adheres.
What do all three of these crazy fucks have in common besides violent insanity? Ahhh, the self-delusion that they are ‘libertarian’ (or in Goldstein’s case, ‘classical liberal’, by which he means the same thing), that they aren’t of the Rightwing, that their self-percieved non-Republicanness is in itself a rebuttal to and insulation from critique against wingnuts — and since they believe they aren’t wingnuts, then it follows that no one else could be, either. We Lefties made it all up!
Hence Goldstein’s ‘jokes’.
Above: Dun-dun-dah! Behold the Kinetic Komedy of Kaptain Kockslappy
Watch it, Beavis!
Shorter Kockslappy: My total ignorance about the basic concept of radial categories is further evidence of my superior edumacation.
Thanks for the trip down memory lane, Retardo. I think I had gone several weeks having blissfully forgotten about Pasty’s obsessive desire to forcefully apply his li’l buddy to pretty much everyone’s face.
Torture apologist, faux libertarian, batshit extremist fuckhead . . . Yeah, OK. I see it. But those labels pale in significance to what truly lies beneath: the cold, cold heart of one whose first thought when angered is to use his penis as a weapon of humiliation. I think there’s a word for that.
Just because Goldstein, et al., do not personally conform to all the stereotypical attributes of Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel doesn’t mean that they too aren’t wearing scorched Sears active wear in political spirit.
Best. Reference. Ever.
the cold, cold heart of one whose first thought when angered is to use his penis as a weapon of humiliation.
Hmmm…. in Goldstein’s mind, “penis” and “humilation” are closely associated.
What an odd, uh, coincidence.
So wait wasn’t his site down, like, forever? I stopped going there for my monthly dose of empty-calorie wingnut verbosity. Should I return?
—
Wait, now I’m back from reading the TBogg comments. Goddamn, I think Goldy’s about to crack. Like, really crack this time. Like “defenestrate his breadwinning wife” crack.
That’s right, I mention crack and Goldstein in the same breath. But look at the context… We need to focus here on authorial intent…
What the Hell kinda name is that?
Don’t forget to put in the randomly generated Jeff-style klonopin-byproduct “humor” pieces like those delightful dialogues and the ticking clock thingy.
Oh crap, Pasty lost it in TBogg’s comment thread again?! I read the 200+ thread from a few weeks ago and it was one of the most hallucinatory experience I’ve ever had on-line. It was a tad uncomfortable reading some guy melt-down on that thread.
That he’s back again for more…
What? He hasn’t showed up here yet? Pasty boy is slipping!
What? He hasn’t showed up here yet? Pasty boy is slipping!
He probably isn’t as easy to lure as Ann Althouse. I think you may have to say his name three times in a thread before he appears in a cloud of cheeto dust. Let’s check:
Jeff Goldstein
Anyone want to type his name a third time so I’m not wholly responsible for the consequences?
It’s like how, if your kid is getting teased at school, you tell him to laugh along with it and pretend like it doesn’t bother him. Then you multiply that advice by a factor of 100,000 or so and you have that comment thread.
Remember what Tacitus said: You mustn’t mock the mentally ill.
Wow. I had an hour to kill (no work today) so I read the whole Jan. 4 Tbogg thread. Bad crazy. Did Tbogg ever confirm that the prolific commenter was really . . . Jeff Goldstein?
(Just for you, Marita.)
Jeff Goldstein.
BOO!
Did Tbogg ever confirm that the prolific commenter was really . . . Jeff Goldstein?
If not, we’re in serious Boys from Brazil territory here.
[C]an anyone tech savvy help me with a Pasty Comment Generator?
Here’s the formula[.]
There’s also a formula for a typical Goldstein post.
Holy Godlstein, I’d forgotten about “Wingnut All-Star: Jeff Goldstein (Part I).” Thanks for the reminder; it was great fun to read all over again. (That entry deserves a permanent link on your sidebar under a heading like “Psychoanalytical Profiles.”)
ah shit, I forgot to close the damn tag.
You left out the inevitable Mean Comedy Name Involving a Gaelic Patronymic That Those Wacky “BDS” Afflicted Liberals Supposedly Use to Refer to Bush, in the manner of “Chimpy McHitlerburton.”
Unless the mentally ill in question is a fucking asshole. And Tacitus need to shave that stupid beard.
If it wasn’t, Goldstain would’ve been whining on his blog that tbogg was allowing the troll to soil his good name. The name of the Stain.
What? His illustrious assholeness has not yet graced us with his presence? How disappointing.
Naw, naw, naw, you guys miss the point. You see, Jeff was totally like Rabbit in 8 Mile, where he thought of every insult his challengers could ever come up with and bam! threw it up in their faces!
Aw man, that was sweet.
Or wait, did he come across as mentally ill? I forget.
That Chimpy McHitlerStrawmanburton!
Hey Retardo,
If you could send me a list of entries for the following categories I could get a random comment generator hashed up and sent to you if you like.
1.Wingnut Position Start
2.Mockery
3.Collorary
4.Excuse To Eat
5.Stereotypical Action Ending
I’ve got a couple of things to do tonight but I’ll make up a prototype and see how it goes.
More biting paste eater satire, I guess meant to mock the ludicrous excess of us Bush-haters. Too bad we really call him Darth KKKhimpcon McHitlorwellienronburton©. Goldstain comes up short AGAIN.
Woohoo!!!
I’ve done it. Version 0.3 of the Pasty Comment Generator is now created. The file is available at http://rapidshare.com/files/11921003/PastySays.rar. It is 1mb in size. The source code is available on request.
There are only 3 comments right now and it is a very simple program done with a language I am only just learning. This program will expand.
Oh cool Adam thanks!
Hey man I’m doing some work here now while trying not to freeze but I’ll attempt to get you some phrases in the next few days.
Are you sure a random wingnut comment generator should *be* open source? Imagine what might happen if – when – some script kiddie spooges the code into a worm or virus and it starts replicating spontaneously. The entire Internet could be overwhelmed by “cheeto-orange goo”.
There are some things Man was not meant to know.
Unless the mentally ill in question is a fucking asshole.
Or the President.