The Harris Awards
It’s Koufax Awards season again — vote early and often!
I’m flattered that we’ve been voted for already several times in the early polling; you love us, you really love us!
But this post isn’t about the Koufaxes (more on that anon); rather, the concept of the Koufaxes gives me an idea.
Here’s Dwight Meredith’s explanation of what the Koufaxes are all about:
The Koufax Awards are named for Sandy Koufax, one of the greatest left handed pitchers of all time. They are intended to honor the best blogs and bloggers of the left. At the core, the Koufax Awards are meant to be an opportunity to say nice things about your favorite bloggers and to provide a bit of recognition for the folks who provide us with daily information, insight, and entertainment. The awards are supposed to be fun for us and fun for you.
And amen to all that. But… hmm. What about the kind of ‘negative’ fun we like to do around here, like tearing wingnuts new ones? Could it be done with an awards concept like the Koufaxes?
I think so. The antithesis of the Koufaxes is, or was, the Drysdales, named after Don Drysdale, the head-hunting right-handed Dodgers teammate of Sandy Koufax. But blah — fuck a bunch of ‘Drysdales’, which are, or were, given to rightwing bloggers.
I don’t wanna praise wingnuts. Most of them are idiots; many are especially wicked sorts of idiots. No, better to bash them. But that won’t exactly work in this context. So what if we have an awards scheme that nominates — and therefore bashes — supposed lefties who are de facto wingnuts?
Ding ding! That’s the ticket!
So I announce the first annual Harris Awards, named after Greg Harris, who played for many teams including the Red Sox, Expos and Rangers. Harris is slightly famous in that he is the only modern major league pitcher to have alternated arms when he pitched: He was a ‘switch-pitcher’, if only for one game, close to the end of his career when he played for Montreal.
So, what do you think? Tired of the Mickey Kauses of the pundit world who are allegedly “leftwing” yet always manage to attack the Democratic Party and lefties in general from the right? Yeah? Sick of god-damned ‘liberal hawks’, neo-liberals, pseudoliberals, ‘Sensible Liberals’, ‘Centrists’, ‘Third Wave’ fuckheads, practioners of bullshit even-handedness, Technocrat Centrists, Liebermans, sell-outs, Bush-enablers, useful idiots? Find their offending posts and nominate them; document the atrocities.
Harris as pseudoliberal metaphor: “The hitters only think I’m a real lefty, but the fans and my ‘comrades’ in the pen know better.”
I need some help for the categories. Any suggestions?
LOL.
That’s OK, Retardo. We come here not to praise wingnuts, but to bury them.
Oh, and if you’re willing to part with the baseball theme, there could be Westley/Dread Pirate Roberts and Inigo Montoya awards (the latter might also tie in nicely with the eminently quotable, “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”).
“Because I know something you don’t know. I am not left-handed.”
“There’s something I ought to tell you. I’m not left-handed either.”
Apropos of pretty much nothing, my boss calls me Westley, and often gives me the “Good work, Westley, most likely kill you in the morning” line when I’m leaving for the day.
Well, I did criticize Robert Novak, and was for the war before I was against it…
Oh, um, and yeah — I WILL FUCKING DESTROY YOU!
I’m surprised you’re not calling this the Joe Award after Lieberman.
Oh I see. Lieberman would be a nominee.
Perhaps pie and soup can factor in the categories?
How about a Jose Lima award for outstanding suckitude by a righty?
Or the Brad Ausmus award for long term less than mediocrity by a mainstream news media figure?
What’s really needed is an award recognition for the trolls, the Stoogies, maybe? We should honor the ones who blindly carry on, day-in and day-out, for little or no monetary reward, to make themselves available for insult and ridicule. Sure, they get no respect or attention in the real world…but they ARE somebody on the various progressive blogs. Each site seems to have an adopted pet, one that becomes a part of the community…perhaps not like normal people, but certainly in their own unique way. Unwittingly, many even help convince the neutral observers/readers of the general insanity and moral vacuity of the Right. I think we all know them by name…mighty aphroditie over at TP, Ace at TBogg, annieangel here, Rupert over there…. Each unique yet all have that grim determination to apologize and rationalize whatever criminal act of the day that this administration commits. OK, maybe it’s easier with a full frontal lobotomy…but, I say lets give credit and recognition to those that are willing to go the extra comment to expose their dimwittery.
The Connecticut for Lieberman for Award -award?
Possible Categories:
Most sellieoutiest
Concerniest troll
The “I’m surprised they could tie their own shoes” award for a claim that someone believes, “as a liberal”
And lifetime achievement award in wankery
Retardo, as a fellow hispanic, I was sure you’d realize the fitting and proper name for this honor your propose is the Garbey Award. (Or the Hernández, perhaps, but he never played in the MLB).
Go ahead and call your awards whatever you want, amigo, but if it’s baseball analogies we’re using— well, a quisling list put forth by an avowed anti-capitalist can only be the Garbeys to me.
As someone who wouldn’t like to see his family’s name linked with such folly, I propose the “Marquis awards“. These are given to someone who occasionally puts in a good performance but has a tendency to blow up on the job, sometimes catastrophically, and is eventually overpaid by a pathetic organization desperate for someone to fill staff.
I’d pick Hitchens for this one.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zonker_Harris
Most Far Out?
Categories:
– Deeply concerned (with whatever minor issue the wingnuts have decided the Democrats are suffering from)
– I did not leave the party, the party left me (for those ex-Democrats who long for the days when there were still decent, honest men in the Democrat party)
-Even the liberal (best token “liberal” representative of the wingnut plan du jour)
-You don’t want to do that! (For those who so earnestly warn the Democrats against doing anything that may help them)
-The Golden Klein (lifetime award for services in Fake Liberalism)
What’s really needed is an award recognition for the trolls, the Stoogies, maybe?
Aren’t blog trolls the equivalent of baseball’s annoying, lame-arse mascots? We don’t want to encourage (chronological) grown-ups to dress up in stinky costumes and annoy the paying customers, do we?
As for categories in the I-Am-Not-A-Liberal-But-I-Play-One-on-TeeVee sweeps, perhaps a “Sleeping with the Enemy” award for the Carville/Matalin types? Not being a deep reader, I occasionally trip over references indicating that one or another IANALBIPOOTV is related by blood or bed to a known Reichtard. Possibly airing such Langdon-chart relationships would be enlightening, or at least entertaining?
I second the ‘inyego montya’ and ‘wesley/dread pirate roberts’ categories.
And i raise you one “inconcievable/land war in asia” and one “ROUSs”
Ooo, ROUSs! I like the way you think!
Count my vote for calling them “The Princess Bride Awards”, with all the brilliant categories already mentioned, plus a few:
The Dread Pirate Roberts Award
The Rodent of Unusual Size Award
The Inigo Montoya Award
The Fezzak Award
The Brute Squad Award
The Mostly Dead Isn’t All Dead Award
The Vizzini Award
etc etc
Imagine the joy a faux moonbat will feel upon getting his very own “Princess Bride”! It’s fabulous.
I nominate Hitchens for the Johnny Damon award…
Sucky Glenn Beck gets the Tim McCarver award
I too love the Princess Bride awards. It’s got just the right touch of bed-wetting holier-than-thou airs the left-pretenders tend to give off. The categories are great too!
The “perfumed handkerchief” award. Goes to the pontif who would be a liberal if they didn’t have to hang out with the unwashed masses to do so. Nomination: Richard Cohen.
Somehow, a Dock Ellis award (pitching a no-hitter on acid) needs to be worked in. But I’m not a details person.
I nominate JPod for the Humperdinck Award.
In a couple seasons they’re going to have to rename the Koufax Awards to the Johan Santana Awards.
I nominate Dana Milbank for a Princess Bride – ineffectual performance as a liberal. Cokie Roberts probably deserves one, too.
Someone needs to get a “Steve Garvey is not my Padre” award.
Well, you can’t call them “The Princess Bride Awards.” What would be the catchy nickname for that — The Princies? The Bridies? No, you have to call them the Goldman Awards (shortened to the Goldies). The advantage of naming these awards after William Goldman is that you can add categories for Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, such as, well, the Butch Cassidy Award — “You just keep thinkin’ Butch. That’s what you’re good at.”
And of course, this provides the perfect award for the Kauses and other “Sensible Liberals”: The Percy Garris Award: “Morons. I’ve got morons on my team.”
Oh, and there’s gotta be a Sundance Kid in Bolivia Award for President Bush: “Listen, your job is to back me up, because you’d starve without me. And you, your job is to shut up.”
Isn’t Ann Althouse going to carry most of the P-Brides this year?
I propose the Hollywood Elite Liberal Losers award, or the HELLies for short. This lets us do all the cool movie quotes for our subcategories that we want, and we can even have fun stumping people who actually have lives as to exactly which movie the quote comes from. So we can have PRINCESS BRIDE quote categories, and BUTCH CASSIDY quote categories, and… ::choke:: STAR WARS quote categories, and ::vomit:: Harry Potter quote categories and like that.
Of course, if obscurity is what rocks your boat, then stick with the baseball stuff, or, better, go to rugby references. That will work even better.
I’d suggest Silver Age Superhero subcategories, but then I’d have to leap through a window.
Here are my recommendations for categories, painstakingly coupled with P-Bride names and quotes should you opt to pursue that scheme.
-The R.O.U.S. – for the most wingnutty comment/post/column from an otherwise respectable liberal. (“Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don’t think they exist.”)
-The Dread Pirate Roberts – for the most inane “yoostabe” or I-didn’t-leave-the-party-it-left-me type. (“My name is Ryan; I inherited the ship from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from is not the real Dread Pirate Roberts either. His name was Cummerbund.”)
-The Vizzini – for the best performance by a Sensible Centrist Liberal. (“As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable.”)
-The Inigo Montoya – for the most vengeful, mean-spirited and all around angry liberal hawk. (“And when I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing. So the next time we meet, I will not fail.”)
-The Fezzik – for the most hilarious performance by a concern troll in any medium. (“My way’s not very sportsman-like.”)
-The Prince Humperdinck – for the Democratic politician, strategist, etc. who did the most to advance the wingnut cause. (…”I’ve got my country’s 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it; I’m swamped.”)
Liberal golf bloggers just can’t buy respect.
–WKW
How will one determine the “Classic Blunder” Award? Since, y’know, these lulubelles are all about the land war in Asia.
Using William Goldman also lets you work in Marathon Man, A Bridge Too Far and Misery, among others.
greg harris was one of my favorite pitchers growing up … i especially enjoyed this game: http://retrosheet.org/boxesetc/B06070BOS1990.htm …
as far as a dock ellis award goes, there was the time he set the record for most hbp’s to start a game against the arch-rival cincinatti reds. … maybe along the lines of a liberal that goes after the right wingers and is criticized by “reasonable liberals” for going to far.
I like the Princess Bride / Goldman concept but if we stick to baseball there has to be a “Conseco” – call it a connie. Given to the most odious attack by a “reasonable” liberal on a real liberal.
Judging by the IP and the not-so-subtle insinuation that I’m a Castroite communist, Rene Arocha is robotslave, a.k.a. Grampaw, my persistent free trade uber alles troll who I thought had suicided in despair at Jim Webb’s victory and John Edwards’s prospects. Apparently not. Well then, good; ’cause Grampaw is a logical nominee for one of the troll awards division of the Harrises.
(Grampaw thinks he’s a leftwinger, yet his purposeful conflation of Greenies/Fair Traders/Social Democrats with Communists is usually the metier reserved to the clay-eating cretins over at Red State.com.)
F.O.D., Grampaw.
Your sort of Grover Cleveland ‘leftism’ was shitcanned in America by the original Progressive/Populist movement and was dodo-birded by Kier Hardie & Labour in England. No one truly on the left side of the political spectrum can operate under such a retrograde (actually, reactionary), anachronistic assumption. Fuck yourself.
If you’re going to mane a wingnut award after a baseball picther I don’t think you could do better than Denny McLain.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denny_McLain