…And Thus He Was Called ChickenHawkins

Shorter Glenn Greenwald:
ATTENTION: War Supporters – Your Country Needs You

greenwald250px.jpg
Above: Glenn Greenwald

  • The Kagan plan for escalation in Iraq specifically calls for urgently-needed military volunteers — therefore, able-bodied war supporters are running out of excuses for not enlisting.

Shorter Right Wing News:
Glenn Greenwald’s Chickenhawk Argument

bubbleboy4.jpg
Above: John Hawkins of Right Wing News

  • Oh, that old one again. Ha ha. We still have a few rhetorical tricks left, Mr. Greenwald.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.

 

Comments: 74

 
 
 

Look, there are many ways to contribute to the Great Cataclysmic Clash of Titanic Good and Evil Civilizationations.

Some people, like our soldiers in Iraq, contribute by fighting and dying in a country where they don’t speak the language, don’t know the culture, and don’t share the religion.

Other people, like assorted right wing bloggers, contribute through furious typing, while simultaneously fighting off Type-II diabetes brought on by downing gallons of Mountain Dew, dozens of Whoppers™, pausing only to jack-off to the latest Britney/Paris/Lohan crotch shot/nipple slip.

Who, I ask, is more worthy of our praise?

I choose: the cheetos boys.

 
 

Huh, I though the “shorter concept” was created by the Bright Daniel Dennett and perfected by movie producer Elton Brand.

 
 

Who could forget Huge Hewette©, bravely reporting from the front.

 
 

Come on, that’s not a new rhetorical trick. It’s right up there with “if you believe in fighting fires, why aren’t you a firefighter?” It’s too late in the day to hope these people will demonstrate any cleverness, but you can at least deny them the privilege of a link until they show a little originality.

 
 

The chickenhawk argument only works if you believe the war is more important than, say, typing arguments about why you shouldn’t have to go.

Thus we can say that the wingnuts are objectively pro-whimsical death.

 
 

“If you believe in fighting fires, why aren’t you a firefighter?â€?

Actually this is a perfectly logical and devastating rhetorical gambit if the person being asked has just set the woods on fire for no good purpose.

 
 

Meanwhile

If you believe in bringing the troops home from Iraq, you should go over there and be a human shield

is not going to get high scores on I.Q. tests.

 
 

Holee Sheeit. Glenn’s a dish.

 
 

I am too busy fighting the war of ideas on the home front. Why do you have to diss Anne Althouse and Tucker Carlson, clearly your superiors intellectually? You are loosers and will soon be recycled.

 
 

Look guys, these poor right wingers are too busy coming up with reasons why their ass doesn’t have to be on their line to even begin considering military service. Besides, someone has to keep a keen eye at Newsmax for possible sprinkler terrorist attacks.

 
 

Gavin M. of Sadly No is one motherfucking asshole. Why is he a motherfucking asshole? This motherfucking asshole allows namestealers on his blog all of the time, including of both Miss Annie and myself. Stealing our links, saying vile, disgusting things, and not a word is said by Gavin M. Ann Althouse is namestolen there, she politely requests that the namestealer be removed, and Sadly No SUPPORTS THE NAMESTEALERS and in fact encourages them.

So what happens tonight? One of these namestealers starts posting shit using Miss Annie’s blog as a link. Miss Annie makes a joke. Who is in trouble? ANNIE ANGEL!!! It is Annie Angel who has broken the rules! It is Annie Angel who is getting her posts deleted. It is Annie Angel who Gavin M. is threatening to ban. What did Miss Annie do? NOTHING!

Gavin M. is the lamest, most fascist hypocrite I have ever had the misfortune of running across. His entire blog is supposedly designed to make jokes. He allows people to be mistreated on a constant basis. There are even doctored images of Miss Annie ON HIS BLOG. And yet Annie Angel isn’t allowed to make a fucking joke? Miss Annie isn’t allowed to tell what a shitfaced looser Jesus General is? (Because he is)

Gavin M. makes me sick. He is a disgusting pigfucker. To allow such such vile things to be done to Miss Annie and then attack Annie for making a joke is the epitome of revolting behavior. Gavin M., you have no honor in your soul, you censoring Nazi fuckwit.

 
 

I think Glenn’s commenter Diana Powe sums it up perfectly:

I think the most important point to be made in all this for opponents of the war is not to label this or that war advocate as a coward, but to throw into absolutely sharp relief the fact that the war advocates simply don’t believe their own arguments for why Iraq and Afghanistan are the ‘decisive conflict of this generation.

That’s it, folks. It’s not that they’re cowards, it’s that they don’t believe their own arguments.

If this were really the Great Clash of Civilizations/World War Whatever/Teh Most Important War Ever Against People More Evil Than Hitler, the lines at recruiting stations would be around the block.

It isn’t, and they’re not, for that very reason.

We need to stop calling them cowards (which is counterproductive, as it diverts attention from the main issue) and start calling them liars (which is true).

 
FrancesTheCockatoo
 

Either enlist or STFU, coward.

 
 

I am already fighting the war on terror on the internet. Dems are the biggest terrorists anywhere.

 
 

I’ve only just realised that only one side of the so-called ‘debate’ I engage in with Sadly, No!, aided by my brave compatriot Miss Annie, gets ragingly, trollflamingly upset over what is basically a prolonged pisstake, and has aneurysms in the comments while everyone else’s reactions range from quietly amused to openly disappointed.

I hereby retract everything I have ever said. Ever. That’ll show you, you motherfucking asshole.

 
 

Gavin M. makes me sick. He is a disgusting pigfucker. To allow such such vile things to be done to Miss Annie and then attack Annie for making a joke is the epitome of revolting behavior. Gavin M., you have no honor in your soul, you censoring Nazi fuckwit.

Fuck her and fuck you. You want to make a bed of shit you can’t be that surprised when you get it on you, and you two cowardly drama-monkeys have made one wallow of a shitpile over the years.

So why don’t you do soemthing constructive and enlist, now that annie doesn’t have us to kick around anymore.

 
Smiling Mortician
 

Shorter Flaccid Footwear: motherfucking asshole motherfucking asshole motherfucking asshole fascist hypocrite shitfaced looser [sic] disgusting pigfucker Nazi fuckwit. To allow such such vile things is the epitome of revolting behavior.

Did I miss anything?

 
 

Gavin M. makes me sick. He is a disgusting pigfucker. To allow such such vile things to be done to Miss Annie and then attack Annie for making a joke is the epitome of revolting behavior. Gavin M., you have no honor in your soul, you censoring Nazi fuckwit.

Honestly, Shlimp: Where else can trolls prosper and flourish as they do here?

It’s like Asgard for trolls, with candy bushes and T-bone trees, and brooks running with whiskey.

 
 

I hereby retract everything I have ever said. Ever. That’ll show you, you motherfucking asshole.

Wouldn’t that result in a recursive retraction?

 
 

I was going to say that Gentlewoman, as always, makes a good point. But then I got to thinking. For a long time I have thought (and said) that the guys who went to Canada to avoid the draft in the sixties were in many ways braver than those of us who, sheeplike, allowed oursevles to be herded to the butcher shop. So now I have to ask. If the high end of the courage scale is represented by people who risked everything to follow their conscience (otherwise known as hippie draft-dodger cowards), the next level on the courage scale is represented by people who actually went and fought for their country, even if they deeply believed it was an illegal and immoral war, then the very bottom of the courage scale (coward?) must be those who are unwilling to follow their conscience to either fight for a cause they believe in or agitate against one they don’t.

Nope, they’re cowards…

mikey

 
 

Gavin is SO a fascist. He’s the worst fascist ever.

Worse than Franco.

Worse than Hitler.

Worse than Bill Clinton.

In fact, he’s so terrible, there’s only one thing he could be….Gavin’s secret identity is obviously….

UNICRON!!!! He is the Eater of Planets! He is so evil there is no word in the English language for it, and I must fall back on Transformer binary code, tapped out with the pommel of Liono’s Sword of Omens! I spent my childhood eating vastly over-sugared cereals in front of the television! In my Underoos! My middle name is Hyperbole, but I can’t spell it!! Blarghblarghblarghsqueeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! Look at me! Look at me!! I’m an attention whore!!

 
 

And quit calling me Dicklimpy!

 
 

Is Annieangel (anal-argue?) actually officially banned then?

 
 

Mikey, in the course of deciding to go fight in a war that your country has undertaken, you can make a little decision making graph. There are two positions, essentially, that a person can take on a war: they can support it or oppose it. If drafted, there are two options: A person can go, or they can resist (in a number of different ways, but they’re all the same for the purposes of this discussion). This results in four possible combinations of outcomes. Three I would consider honorable, and one I would not.

If you support the war and serve, you are following the dictates of your conscience. You may be horrendously misinformed and misguided, but you are doing what you believe to be the right thing. For that, at least, I give you points for consistency.

If you oppose the war and refuse to serve, you are following the dictates of your conscience. You may – once again – be misinformed and misguided. but……see above.

If you oppose the war but you still serve, I can respect that. You are obeying the law. You are loyal to your country. While perhaps there is a calling to a higher moral authority in this case, you are doing the best you can. Civil disobedience is a monumental undertaking, and not for everyone. Sometimes the history books make it look too easy: it’s not.

However………if you support the war but refuse to serve, you are a scumsucking jackass who more than deserves every single horrible thing that ever happens to you for the rest of your life. You’re a coward and a blowhard, allowing other people to die while refusing to risk your own stupid candyass for your beliefs. No reasonable person should ever take anything you have to say on matters of defense or national security seriously ever again. You should fuck off and die.

I don’t think that those who served against the dictates of their conscience did the wrong thing – I think they were in a situation where any choice they made would be difficult. Those, however, who *refused* to serve against the dictates of their conscience….no condemnation is harsh enough for them.

 
 

I like STOMPING ON PIE. Then leaving HUGE PIE FOOTPRINTS all over your fucking house.

STFU, I’m trying to take a nap.

Ganesh, Remover of Obstacles

 
 

Take Rush Limbaugh, please. Liar? Youbetcha! Coward? Youbetcha!

 
 

It’s like Asgard for trolls, with candy bushes and T-bone trees, and brooks running with whiskey.

A lament for Annie:

Would you know my name
If I trolled you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I troll you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know you don’t belong
Here in heaven

Would you bite my hand
If I trolled you in heaven
Would you take a stand
If I trolled you in heaven
I’ll find my way, though lib and gay
Cause I know you just can’t stay
Here in heaven

Gavin can bring you down
Gavin can eye your knee
Gavin can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

Beyond the door
Are pies I’m sure.
And I know there’ll be no more…
Trolls in heaven

 
 

My previous comment was directed towards the pie dude. No one else has to STFU, I’m awake now, anyway.

Anyone want to run around madly and break some shit? Otherwise, some pie is gonna get hurt. I’m just sayin’.

Ganesh

 
 

Honestly, Shlimp: Where else can trolls prosper and flourish as they do here?

I know just the place. But I would hate to inflict still more trolls on them.

 
 

Speaking of STFU, here’s to Bob Somerby.

Calling them clowns has not produced the desired results, and it is past time to escalate.

Cheers!

 
 

Yo couch, motherfucker!

 
 

Those Right Wing News commenters provide powerful arguments against Darwin, especially when they’re arguing about Iraq.

 
 

When you see something that’s an odd, dull beige color and sucks all the humor from the surrounding comments, then there be trolls, lebowski.

Or so I’ve heard.

 
Annie Angel Troll Inc.
 

And here, I thought Annie Angel and Gimpy were uninspired SadlyNo Inc. troll products.

I hope the gov’t runs of out soldiers soon so the chickenhawks will have to admit they’re too afwaid to sewve.

 
 

What these chickenhawks aren’t able to do is offer a good explanation as to why they won’t enlist in the war that they’re rah rah sis boom bahing.

 
 

Funniest comment on that rightwing news post “I have said before that the left hates war”

THE LEFT HATES WAR!

Well, goldarn, what sane person doesn’t hate war?

 
 

Gavin is worse than Stalin.

 
 

i do think seriously about joining the army, even at 38. i also believe in my heart that if i thought this was the clash of civilizations in the context right wing bloggers do i would definitely join up, despite having two kids and needing my salary etc.

i also live in the most liberal part of the country, in all likelihood. i am involved in an industry of liberals and am surrounded by them at work and in my home life. and i’ve yet to hear anyone denigrating the service that is done on our behalf by our armed forces. i really haven’t heard. not secretly, not out loud, not at all.

so, given all of this, the attitude evinced by many rightists is extra enraging. how can they conflate policy disagreement with traitorous behavior? and further, to do so makes it seem like they really believe that this is the ultimate battle. which is further infuriating, because so few of them are able to make their words effect their actions.

i’ve tried to make my actions and my words line up all my life, with limited success. it is, to me, the most important life project i will ever undertake, other than being a good husband and father. why those on the right can’t see that they both belittle the value of being an american by treating their interlocutors so harshly while belittling their own argument by being unable to back it up is truly perplexing.

bad schools, maybe?

 
Herr Doktor Bimler
 

If it’s any consolation to Ganesh Bengal Cat, Mehitabel the Abyssinian is happy to enlist with him in the War on Small Previously-Unbroken Objects that Don’t Fight Back.

 
 

If I gotta go to war at this point, that’s the one I want to go to. Sign me up…

mikey

 
 

No I’m not banned and neither is the shoelimpy namestealer upthread. I just have a fucking life. Loosers. Sorry I couldn’t be here to entertain you all day.

 
 

Another difference between Real Life and Blogtopia: Over here, when pies proliferate everywhere, it’s because the holidays are over and the said little near-humans no longer have anything other than crapping up other people’s blogs to occupy them.

Since so many normal people are trying to lose weight at this time of year, reducing the number of pies can only be considered a net benefit.

 
 

If it’s any consolation to Ganesh Bengal Cat, Mehitabel the Abyssinian is happy to enlist with him in the War on Small Previously-Unbroken Objects that Don’t Fight Back.

I wish to enlist in this too, although I am technically not a cat. Is this allowed?

 
 

Robert Green:

how can they conflate policy disagreement with traitorous behavior?

Just like this.

As for Democrats, Mr. Snow said they must choose: “Number one, do you want Iraq to succeed? And if so, what does that mean? And number two, do you believe in supporting the troops, as you say, and how do you express that support?�

Hey, you asked.

 
The Demon Kishkan
 

That should be “sad little near-humans”. Of course, anything resembling a human is sad, because it is Not One of Us.

Breaking stuff and spreading pie-intensive feetprints everywhere (don’t miss those ceilings, you slackers! Why do you suppose drapes were invented?) is just mid-range catworthy. If you are a True Feline, your servant monkeys will bring you small dogs and unworthy felines to abuse. When they broke my last dog toy, I ordered them to go right out and find me a decent replacement, because you can’t get good aerobic exercise indoors during a New England winter without the proper equipment. The new dog toy is all legs and weighs at least twice what I do, but his training is coming along nicely. Also, he chews fabric, which means the servants are going to have to throw out a whole bunch of pillows, blankets, and sheets and start over. I just hope they’ve learned something about thread counts since the last time, dammit!

 
 

War on Small Previously-Unbroken Objects that Don’t Fight Back.

Small, my ass! I have broken end tables and laptop computers, people! Fear me! Especially when I am bored because the handmaiden is typing! I have not managed to break the desktop that replaced the laptop, dammit.

Mehitabel, my goddess, for you, and you alone, I shall now attempt to break my third table lamp, even though the handmaiden has cheated by replacing the broken pottery ones with one made of wood! She seeks to foil me, but she has to sleep sometime. When I bust that mofo wooden lamp, she’ll wake up, bwahaha!

And for Anne Laurie, I shall STOMP ON any and all pies which appear on this blog. Do you hear me, piepeople? YOU ARE DOOMED!

I am an avatar of Lord Ganesha, Remover of Obstacles and I shall take you out with one swat of my mighty paw! I am not kidding!

Unless you give me sweetie milk. Then I shall lick you damn near to death. Whatever, you’re still doomed, right? So, why not give with the sweetie milk already?

 
Herr Doktor Bimler
 

I wish to enlist in this too, although I am technically not a cat.

If you can shove objects off the mantlepiece and recycle breakfast onto a keyboard, you qualify as an honorary cat. There is probably an initiation ritual, which may involve drinking from the bathtub.

 
 

He is a disgusting pigfucker.

That’s even worse than an attractive pig fucker, isn’t it?

 
 

If the ruling class and its brain-dead cheerleaders wanna fight this particular war, they should do the fighting. Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11, absolutely nothing. Iraq was not a threat to the US. Bush wanted that war long before 9/11 and he exploited the event to have at it. Now that it’s tanking they’re looking for fresh meat to fry over there…well fuck them. Bring the armies home and send the cheerleaders over to do the dirty work.

 
 

If you can shove objects off the mantlepiece and recycle breakfast onto a keyboard, you qualify as an honorary cat. There is probably an initiation ritual, which may involve drinking from the bathtub.

That’s uncanny. I accomplished all that in the drinking spree after my thesis defense. Among, um… other things. Am I in?

 
 

damn you tag-incompetent people!

 
 

If I understand correctly, the sweetie milk is made in Islay, Scotland and aged for many years. And it will prevent me from my most violent behavior…

mikey

 
 

I’m pretty sure drinking from the bathtub is mandatory. In fact, some of my family people I know have the tub faucet drip on purpose.

 
 

I didn’t do it. I was busting a table lamp at the time, I swear.

 
 

Can we get some of these cats to declare war on italics tags?

 
 

Teh secret to closing the italics-american tags:

[/i][/i] to start your post. (But with angle brackets, of course.)

I discovered this by trial, conviction, heinous punishment, and error.

 
 

I’m only an aspiring honorary cat, billy, so I don’t think I can help.

 
 

Can we get some of these cats to declare war on italics tags?

How about bold tags? Those are annoying, too.

Well, anyway, I would, but the handmaiden is going to have a bath, and I must go and hinder her. I don’t like baths. I want her to take a shower. I like showers, especially in this new apartment as there is no door to the shower so she can’t keep me out. When she showers, I shower. I am the cleanest cat I know, possibly the cleanest in all creation.

Hindering a bath is almost as much fun as hindering bed-making. And busting expensive shit. I want the destruction of the Sony Vaio laptop engraved on my damn tombstone.

 
Mehitabel the Abyssinian
 

Fish pie is good. Whatever the house-apes cooked last night was also good. You would think they would thank me for saving them the trouble of cleaning out the saucepan, but no. House-apes don’t do gratitude.

Back to work now; jigsaw puzzles don’t just rearrange themselves.

 
 

Our cats prefer to lurk between the shower liner and the shower curtain, waiting to bat at the gobs of shampoo and thus scaring the yellow water out of us….

 
 

“…and thus scaring the yellow water out of us….”

Your cats, if I may, are trying to tell you about the facts of life. Whether we know it or not, life is often lived between the shower liner and shower curtain. And, as you have so nimbly shown us, witnessing it can be damn scary. Did your cats emit a strange odor perchance? Yes. I thought so.

The photo of Mr. Hawkins, whether or not you want to believe it, is of him trying bravely to capture the the terrorist death-smell recently released in New York. I don’t see Mr. Greenwald in this picture, do you? See any Sadly,No (I’m not sniffing any funny smells) people in this picture? No, you don’t.

Mr. Hawkins is putting his life on the line unlike Mr. Big-shot Greenwald or anyone else. Hawkins has gone inside the shower curtain. Let’s hope we can all find the courage to do the same when the time comes.

 
Qetesh the also-Abyssinian
 

How about the War On Shiny Things?

And yes, drinking out of the tub is compulsory. As is sitting on the edge looking fascinated, occasionally fallilng in, and then demonstrating the art of levitation.

 
Mehitabel the Abyssinian
 

War on italic tags? Ha. I have declared war on anything that dangles. That will teach the hairy house-ape to walk around the house with no clothes.

 
 

Shlimps™ finally finds teh Funny:

What did Miss Annie do? NOTHING!

And also:

I am too busy fighting the war of ideas on the home front.

In which the first casualty is apparently brains.

 
Annie Angel Escorts
 

Dicklimpy, before we all get kicked off this blog remember you still owe me, like, $750 dollars for services rendered. And no, inability to perform does not get you a discount!

 
 

Can I declare a war on the designation “Miss Annie” for our resident trollbot? It’s just that “Miss Annie” is what my grandad has called me since I was little, and I hate to see his northern-Virginia-elderly-farmer-salt-of-the-earth sign of affection applied to some ill-tempered, ill-mannered, pie-obsessed God-botherer who likes to swear a lot and flash her goodies on the Internet.

 
 

[…] Ace, lacking for attention on a day when the snarky left blogs are all busy covering the news, jumps into the Glenn Greenwald chickenhawk discussion by demanding that lefties volunteer en masse to fight in Afghanistan: […]

 
 

Shoelimpyâ„¢ said,
January 10, 2007 at 1:53

I am too busy fighting the war of ideas on the home front. Why do you have to diss Anne Althouse and Tucker Carlson, clearly your superiors intellectually? You are loosers and will soon be recycled.

I am too busy fighting the war against ideas …

fixed your typo.

 
 

Gentlewoman said,
January 10, 2007 at 2:17

They’re fucking cowards. Pasty, too.

 
 

“loosers” “shitfaced loosers”

What a surprise. Neither dicklimpy nor analangie know how to spell “loser.”
Obviously, a match made in heaven. Losers.

 
 

(comments are closed)