The True Meaning of Christmas

It looks like the good Christian folk at Renew America have been bitten by the Christmas bug and are now embracing the creed of peace on Earth and good will toward men.

Well actually, that’s not quite true. In fact, they’re kinda using Christmas as an excuse to attack people they hate. Let’s check ’em out, starting with old friend Nathan Tabor:

The liberal bitterly decries the economy of George W. Bush, lambasting the President as being insensitive to the needs of working families. But let’s check the record. The economy under a Republican President is never good enough for the liberal. He issued the same complaints during the Reagan Years, when a sunny, idealistic leader took us from malaise to Morning in America.

It’s hard to argue with statistics, though, and the statistics this Christmas season indicate that the economy couldn’t possibly be in the dire straits that the liberals would have us believe.

For instance, the National Retail Federation estimates that the average consumer will spend $30 on Christmas cards and postage this year.

Huh. See, I’d always thought that inflation and median household income were better measures of economic well-being. But I guess the new be-all, end-all of economic stats is the HPI (Holiday Postage Index).

I doubt whether these consumers are being forced to choose between a Christmas turkey and a box of greeting cards. And they’re certainly not scrimping when it comes to postage — on Dec. 18 alone, an estimated 900 million pieces of mail will be processed.

What is the average American teenager asking for for Christmas this year? It certainly isn’t knitting needles to darn the only pair of socks in the drawer. No, teens in 2006 are requesting high-end gifts such as electronics and cell phones. And I don’t think it’s out of the realm of possibility that Santa will end up filling many of those orders.

And this is what the spirit of Christmas is really about: pretending the poor don’t exist because teenagers have iPods.

Retailers say that more than two-thirds of American shoppers expect to buy at least five gift cards this year. I’d hazard a guess that each of those cards is likely to be worth at least $25 or so. One consumer research outfit, Unity Marketing, estimates that Americans will spend nearly $8 billion this year on Christmas and Hanukah decorations alone. That’s up five percent from last year.

Sure, they might have no health insurance and a negative household savings rate, but at least they have enough to buy Christmas lights.

While it’s obviously wrong to turn Christmas into some sort of materialistic ritual, the fact is that consumers are expressing confidence in their economic futures with their dollars this Christmas.

It’s nice that someone’s expressing confidence.

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Our, “next” – pundit is, the ever… wingnutty “Kaye” Grogan:

We are being told it is offensive to people of other cultures to display Nativity Scenes in public or say Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays.

Is this the price we are paying for giving foreigners the opportunity to come to America for a better life?

Yes. We all know how much the typical Mexican hates Christianity.

If the “politically correct” crowd had their druthers — Christmas would be abolished period.

Guilty as charged.

But thank goodness Christians are beginning to awaken from their stupor…

Kaye, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but people like you will never awken from being stupid. Sorry kid, but that’s just the way it is.

…and are gearing up to battle with the anti-Christmas groups — who are headstrong and have a salacious appetite to defeat Christianity.

Yes, our plot is to replace it with Islamic Sharia law so we can finally get gay marriage legalized.

Anyway, Kaye concludes her column by writing another pro-Jesus/anti-Secularist dis rap. It’s not quite up to the lofty standards of last year’s Christmas Rap, but it’s still pretty darn good:

Instead of a beautiful palace Baby Jesus was born in a stable and laid in a lowly manger.

As the Christ child laid sleeping…Mary and Joseph felt impending danger.

In the heavens above everyone was rejoicing and elated.

But not fellated, unfortunately. The Big G doesn’t look well on that sorta thing.

[Gavin adds: Hey, I’ll take it where I can get it.]

But they knew as soon as the news broke…the baby would be reviled and hated.

Mary stared in awe at her child and felt love beyond compare.

She knew they must go into hiding, so another journey they must prepare.

Soon news of the Newborn King’s birth traveled throughout all the lands.

But instead of widespread joyfulness…many pagan rulers were making assassination plans.

“Them pagan niggaz iz hardCORE. Werd!”

In the distance wise men were preparing for their long journey…to bring Baby Jesus gifts.

They knew it would be challenging to get there through the wilderness and snowdrifts.

Snowdrifts? In the middle of the desert? In spring?*

As the baby awoke from its long nap Mary fed him and held him tightly in her loving arms.

She knew it was time to take her child and flee…for many wished him great harm.

Gavin adds: Hey, I think I’m getting a handle on Kaye’s poetic form.

Ubba-dubba-dubba random-number-of-meterless-syllables dubba life,
Ubba-dubba […] dubba strife.
Ubba + (x * dubba) + change,
Ubba + (x * dubba) + rearrange.

It’s like Pyrrhic Wingnameter.

They followed the guiding star to where they would be safe and secure.

And made sketches of bewitching eyes with tears coming out of them, while smoking cloves and listening to Disintegration by The Cure.

They knew that God would look after them and give them strength to endure.

Now over two thousand years later there are those who still despise to hear of Jesus’ birth.

But no matter how they try to attack the true meaning of Christmas…

Firth? Perth? Dearth? ‘Thome ethcape the curth?’ ‘…considerable girth?’ ‘Sunday edition of Mary Worth?”

I’m gonna go with, “We shall take over the Earth!”

[Gav out]

Once again… the great tidings bring forth great joy and mirth.

Kaye doesn’t seem all that mirthful this holiday season, does she? Oh well. I’m glad I could ruin Christmas for her.

Our final Christmas columnist is a promising new wingnut named Bryan Fischer. Let’s check out his entry in the Christmas-is-a-time-of-hate sweepstakes:

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In Italy, gay activists posed four dolls — two male, two female — in prone homosexual embraces, lying among the shepherds witnessing the birth of Jesus. The dolls were festooned with miniature placards printed with pro-gay slogans. This is as offensive as putting toy German storm troopers on a menorah.

You may remember that militant homosexuals murdered over six million baby Jesuses during World War II.

Chester County in Pennsylvania has tried to solve the problem by letting people put up anything they want. Commissioners finally agreed to add both a menorah and a nativity scene to an already crowded holiday display. (The nativity scene, by the way, was the last thing to be approved and added to the county’s “Christmas” montage.)

But the secular components in Chester County dwarf the religious arrays. The crèche, for instance, sits next to a United Way sign promoting the organization’s fundraising efforts. The sign is three times the size of the figures in the nativity scene.

“THE NATIVITY SCENE MUST BE THE BIGGEST DISPLAY OF THEM ALL!!! I WANT IT SO BIG THAT THE BABY JESUS’ LEFT ASS CHEEK COULD CRUSH THE LIFE FROM THAT PATHETIC UNITED WAY SIGN!!!!! THIS IS THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS, YOU FUCKWADS!!!!!! FUCK THE SECULARISTS!!!! GAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!”

Anyway, I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I hope you enjoy it more than the good Christian folk at Renew America seem to be enjoying it.

*No, guys, Jesus was not actually born on December 25. Most estimates have it at early spring or early fall.

 

Comments: 41

 
 
 

This was a beautiful Christmas present, Brad……

There’s only one thing in the world that I could want more than this, and that would be for someone to go to this website, take one of their T-shirt designs – an American flag with a white cross replacing the white stars – and photoshop it so that it was now a white star and crescent replacing the white stars.

Then, maybe for good measure, set up a website called http://www.muslimrepublic.com and offer them up for sale.

Do the same thing with a white star of David and jewishrepublic.com

And the same thing with a white “Om” and buddhistrepublic.com

Wash. Rinse. Repeat until every fundie in the country has their head explode from cognitive dissonance.

Happy Hannukah, y’all!

 
 

Now maybe it’s because I’m a secular liberal Jewish terrorist sympathizer, but I was under the impression that the wise men were actually on-site at the manger pretty close on the birth of Baybee Jeezus. But to hear Kaye tell it, the kid was born and Mary was getting her paranoia on and buying bus tickets out of Dodge while the wise men were still “preparing for their long journey.” Also, I didn’t realize that the star stuck around to provide air recon for Mary and the baby (wasn’t there a husband involved at some point?) as they made their escape from Herod’s ninjas.

Did that part of Linus’s speech get cut?

 
 

Can you believe it is almost Boxing Day?

Merry Christmas sadly nosians. I hope that you spend your secular liberal season in good company and cheer. I certainly hope that any fundamentalists you are forced to deal with will by some Festivas miracle remember that the actual spirit of the holiday. Even if they don’t, try and be kind to them… they haven’t had a good year, right?

 
 

Interestingly enough a ‘grogan’ is slang down under for shit.

 
 

It’s all the fault of that filthy secularist Pig Pen. But he’ll pay…in hell!

 
 

In that case, I just laid a helluva grogan.

 
 

What? Pagans weren’t planning to kill Jesus–Herod was king of the Jews. OK, granted, he was Idumean, and had married his way into the monarchy, but he wasn’t a Pagan—hell, he had the temple in Jerusalem rebuilt.

Damn it, Pagans are not to blame for the slaughter of the innocents! Um, although they did eventually kill Jesus.

Damn Italians, those Christ-killers.

 
 

Dan Someone, actually, the Magi probably didn’t come on Jesus’s birth, but sometime afterwards. After their visit, the Holy Family fled to Egypt. Kaye’s chronology is totally messed up, just like everything else about her.

 
 

While it’s obviously wrong to turn Christmas into some sort of materialistic ritual, the fact is that consumers are expressing confidence in their economic futures with their dollars this Christmas.

And the tug of war between the two halves of the GOP goes on.
“Jesus is the Reason for the Season!”
“Yeah, but we could make a fortune selling Santa-themed sex toys!”

Oh, and “the fact is”? What is it with the wingnuts and this phrase? It’s almost as bad as all the right-wing trolls I see on other sites calling themselves “Voice of Reason” and “Master of Reality” and “Rational Man” and endless variations thereof. It’s like, who are you trying to convince, o wingnut? Me, or you?

 
 

There’s only one thing in the world that I could want more than this, and that would be for someone to go to this website, take one of their T-shirt designs – an American flag with a white cross replacing the white stars – and photoshop it so that it was now a white star and crescent replacing the white stars.

But Jillian, I’m swamped!

…You know I can’t resist, don’t you?

 
 

I have a theory that Nathan Tabor is actually a Great Dane who pokes blindly at a keyboard and then has an editor clean it up. No actual human being could be that fucking stupid.

 
 

I’m not sure if that’s really “pensive” Kaye. It’s sometimes hard to tell from “cheeks stuffed like a squirrel’s with holiday Godiva truffles” Kaye.

 
 

I hope you’re feeling better, Gavin! Don’t work too much while you’re recovering.

…..but it really would be hella funny, wouldn’t it?

 
 

We know exactly when Jesus was born. He was born in a week in late December, or in a month around March, June, August or September somewhat.

 
 

Doesn’t it make you wonder what the fuck happened to these people?

My fam was never especially religious but the Holidays have always been a time when we tried to put aside the petty (and sometimes not so petty) bullshit and shared a time of celebration. Even if it was just the simple act of pulling together in a herd and gettin’ our feed on at a modest meal that everyone contributed to, the Holidays were always a humanizing time. A chance to break out of the dull routine and give a little effort to being gracious and kind (or at least somewhat less of a dick).

Some people use one religious tradition or another to invoke that celebration of grace and generosity, others don’t. What’s the big deal? Why does one tradition have to “win”? How fucked up do you have to be to even think of it as a competition?

I dunno, I usually enjoy snickering along at Ye Wingnuttes’ ignorant and delusional paranoia, but sometimes it just makes me sad. Does that make me a bad islamoliberalhomomexicommienazi?

 
 

Pyrrhic Flopameter…still laughing…

OK, there’s my pressie right there; wrap it up, I’ll take it!

Enjoy whichever post-Solstice festival y’all celebrate, and thanks to all the Sadly, Nosians for all the fun and wingnut derision you have brought me this past year.

God Jul!

From GW and Ganesh Bengal Cat and Scampers, Evil Limb of Satan

 
 

Oh, and a Happy Sadly, Noel to one and all.

Even Gary.

 
Smiling Mortician
 

Does that make me a bad islamoliberalhomomexicommienazi?

No, kingubu — it makes you a good islamoliberalhomomexicocommienazi!

I’m off to visit Christian Republican family tomorrow — my plan is to bring good wine and offer to cook all the time. Wish me luck.

Merry Christmas, y’all.

 
 

Hey, 8 billion bucks! That’s like, oh, 80 bucks per household. Wow. (And something tells me he wouldn’t have gone with the smallest number he could find.)

 
 

speaking of Linus. Here he is in “Renew America” mode..

http://www.drinkatwork.com/medlarge671.gif

 
 

Well, I reckon you can take the god outta christmas, butcha can’t take the goddam outta goddam idiots.

Merry happy, my Sadly, No friends. Have a wonderful holiday season, and a safe, peaceful and successful new year. It is you people who hold back the darkest of my pesssimism.

Try not to hurt people. If you can’t make a contribution, at least don’t wreck shit…

mikey

 
 

Thank you for that wonderful post. Happy Holidays!

 
 

Speaking of Xtian Stupid, have any of you seen the BC strip today? Mega stupid, even for Hart.

My favorite holiday card I ever sent out showed poor old Scrooge in bed, clutching his covers to his chin, pop-eyed with fright. Standing next to his bed is a black man in dreds, smoking a doob, and saying, ‘Eh, mon, lighten up, okay! It’s Christmas!” Underneath, the caption read, “On Christmas Eve, Scrooge was visited by Marley’s ghost.” I am closing my eyes and sending you all this card via the psychic protoplasm ethernet

If this works, let me know, and I’ll will myself a visit from Che’s ghost for Xmas. Or Marley’s. Or both. 🙂

Have a Cool Yule, Y’All. And a happy new year. Although if we don’t hold the newly elected Dem’s feet to the fire and make them do what they were elected to do, it may not be quite as happy as we were anticipating.

An interesting article on Christmas around the world on this site: http://about.com/ There are many ways to celebrate Christmas itself, so why do the Talibangelicals think they have a monopoly on the holiday?

May the goat of Christmas stuff your stocking! (Um, that sounds a little, um, maybe I should put it a bit differently. Ah what the hell! Salud!)

 
 

Oh, and guys? Maybe you could sit down on Santa’s lap, tell him as sincerely as you can that you’ve been double-plus-extra good this year, and could he PLEASE bring you a shiny new preview button? Or a pony….

mikey

 
 

Retailers say that more than two-thirds of American shoppers expect to buy at least five gift cards this year. I’d hazard a guess that each of those cards is likely to be worth at least $25 or so.

What? Cards cost at least $25 each? Where the hell does he shop?

 
 

Thanks for the gift. Nice to see that Nathan is taking time away from the family business of creating new homosexuals to give us his in-depth statistical analysis. You know what’s an even better indicator of how much folks love the Bush economy than greeting cards? Rents. People are paying rents now that they wouldn’t have dreamed possible years ago. Even working- and middle-class folks are paying as much as 50% of their income for shelter this Christmas. Wow. You never hear liberals talk about that kind of consumer confidence.

Anyone who denies that is as clueless as Ebenezer was before he turned into a compassionate conservative.

Nathan should try to keep up with the neo-wingnut talking points. Doesn’t he know, as this infamous piece demonstrates, that Scrooge was a compassionate conservative and a moral role model before the liberal ghosts of Christmas attacked?

As for Kaye:
…the baby would be reviled and hated.

Well, no wonder: it was poor, Jewish, and on the brown side. The latter made it a lot easier to find it in the snow.

 
 

Santa’s bringing Nathan a tin foil cap to go with his economic theories this year.

Happy holidays to you all, from SCTV

1. Liberace, Elton John, Ethel Merman, and Orson Welles.

2. Dusty Towne Holiday Special featuring Divine.

May SadlyNo continue to roast wingnuts over an open fire next year.

 
 

the Magi probably didn’t come on Jesus’s birth, but sometime afterwards.

Yeah, like ninety years afterwards. 😉

Sorry, Couldn’t resist. Happy Solstice, dress it up any way you wanna.

?

 
 

Try not to hurt people. If you can’t make a contribution, at least don’t wreck shit…

That’s totally going on sampler here, mikey.

Peace to you all for any reason you like, though “Happy Sadly Noel!” got a big laugh out of me.

And mock K,ay…e all you like, but that has to be the least punctuation I’ve ever seen out of her. Surely it’s worth at least a tangerine in the Christmas stocking?

 
 

Goddamn foreign people, trying to come here to our native land and not have the decency to abandon their Home Country X traditions and conform to ours. Like what we did when we came over those many years ago to become the NEW natives of this land.

What?

.. you don’t know, man! You weren’t THERE!

You know, were it not of immigration, the population of the country would be decreasing. Suck it, cobags. I like foreign food, so stay the fuck away from my immigrants.

 
 

The thing about Jebus’s bday is that, since he quite possibly never existed in the first place, you can rewrite the story to your heart’s content. Personally, I think Jebus was really a black woman and militant butch lesbian. In this light, it’s clear, feminazi Jebus wants you to kill that fetus. (S)He DEMANDS you kill that fetus.

Happy Festivus n winter solstice, y’all.

 
Famous Soviet Athlete
 

What is the average American teenager asking for for Christmas this year? It certainly isn’t knitting needles to darn the only pair of socks in the drawer

This sentence cancels out all of Nathan Tabor’s cheerful Christmas statistics. All good teenage American economists know that socks are knit with knitting needles and darned with darning needles by Santa’s own invisible hand.

 
 

Oh, what the hell. I have to mock K(a)y.e. It does sound, does it not, as though she actually believes that all native born Americans are Christians who celebrate Christmas (something that would exclude even certain Christians), and anyone who does not say Merry Christmas must obviously be some sort of weird foreigner. Because clearly we do not have American citizens who are, say, atheist, or Hindu, or Jewish (what was that about Judeo-Christian traditions again?), or Muslim (Hey, what about that Ellison guy? Wasn’t he… Oh, never mind. Memory hole until it’s time to be outraged over that again), or Quaker. Right? I mean, it’s either that or Ka:y’e”s” just stupid.

 
 

“On Christmas Eve, Scrooge was visited by Marley’s ghost.�

Love it, Candy!! It worked for me!

American shoppers expect to buy at least five gift cards

Yes because we know that Aunt Grace is living on a limited income and could really appreciate that Target or CVS gift card a lot more than some dumb bottle of cologne or a box of Harry and David pears.

on Dec. 18 alone, an estimated 900 million pieces of mail will be processed.

Yeah, and all of them Christmas greetings…that is if you consider the mortage-loan solitication letters, catalogs, and sales notices Christmas greetings.

 
 

and are gearing up to battle with the anti-Christmas groups

Nice, because that’s exactly what Christmas is all about – fighting.

 
 

Glad you liked it, g!

Now I’ve got some ghost summoning to do. Maybe all these mimosas I’ve had will help me concentrate…

 
 

“I doubt whether these consumers are being forced”

“I don’t think it’s out of the realm of possibility”

“I’d hazard a guess”

Wingnut research. If you’re too lazy or stupid to actually look shit up, just go with your gut.

 
 

Oops. He wrote about GIFT cards. I missed that. Thought he was talking about christmas cards. My bad.

My brain was still reeling from the WBC flyer and the Grim post from the previous thread…

Is this freakin holiday over yet? Almost? Great.

Merry whatever to you all, and to all a good night.

 
 

While it’s obviously wrong to turn Christmas into some sort of materialistic ritual, the fact is that consumers are expressing confidence in their economic futures with their dollars this Christmas.

I work at a retail store in a typical Midwestern town. Two years ago on Christmas Eve the place was a madhouse, jam-packed until the closing buzzer. This year they were sending people like me home an hour early. For what it’s worth.

 
 

No, guys, Jesus was not actually born on December 25. Most estimates have it at early spring or early fall.

Assuming, of course, that Jesus existed at all.

An existence which, in fact, there is no historical evidence of.

 
 

Grogan’s metre is obviously the great McGonagall metre – as used by “the writer of the worst poetry in the English language” (and that’s a website that likes him). It’s taken over 100 years for anyone to be so lacking in rhythm or simple counting ability that they’ve tried to copy it, but Grogan has finally done it. A sample of McGonagall:

When the train left Edinburgh
The passengers’ hearts were light and felt no sorrow,
But Boreas blew a terrific gale,
Which made their hearts for to quail,
And many of the passengers with fear did say-
“I hope God will send us safe across the Bridge of Tay.”

More at http://www.mcgonagall-online.org.uk/index.shtml

But William Topaz McGonagall was a kindly soul. I don’t think the meter goes well with Grogan’s bile.

 
 

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