A TownHall Sampler

Todays theme: “We are a NeoCon-Christian nation which believes that criticizing President Bush in wartime is treason. We also believe that women should be rich and stay home with the kids, and that everybody has a right to sell their kidneys. We also hold this truth to be self-evident: that everybody at U.C. Wilmington but Mike Adams is a stupid, liberal poopiehead.”

Dennis Prager

America is a Judeo-Christian country, meaning that the founders were Christians who liked Jewishness.

Vast numbers of Americans took Hebrew names — like Benjamin Franklin and Cotton Mather (kattan in Hebrew means “little one” or “younger”).

And just as the Jews believe they are the Chosen People, America thinks it’s the Chosen Country — that’s why we don’t think we need any stinkin’ U.N permission to blow up whoever the hell we want. And that’s why the Iraqi war is a just war — because God says so.

That is why those who most affirm Judeo-Christian values believe that war, while always tragic, is on more than a few occasions a moral duty. Nothing “Judeo” ever sanctioned pacifism.

Thomas Sowell

If Thomas were running for President, this would be his platform:

1. There will be only two Cabinet-level departments: Defense and State (“with the latter purged of the weak-kneed internationalist crowd who have dominated it for so long”).
2. No more goverment money for anyone making over $100,000 a year.
3. We will use the savings to pay members of Congress a salary of a million a year. Or $10 million a year — whatever it takes to get politicans who can run a goverment with only two departments.
4. Free kidneys for everyone!

With all the money saved by ending vast numbers of subsidies, the government could afford to pay the kinds of salaries that would attract highly qualified people from the private sector. For example, if every member of Congress were paid a million dollars a year, that would cost less than one percent of what it costs to run the Department of Agriculture.

Jack Kemp

Why is Richard Clarke saying mean things about the Bush administration’s handling of terrorism, when even he admits that Bush didn’t crash those airplanes into those buildings?

Some people have suggested he is motivated by “sour grapes” at best or greed at worst. Other people suggest that he is motivated by vengeance for having been demoted by the Bush administration and kept from the inner circles of power in which he had become accustomed to moving.

And some people, like Kemp, suggest that Clarke is a vengeful closet queen by titling their column, “Hell Hath No Fury.”

But Kemp says that he actually belives that Clarke thinks that invading Iraq was “such an enormous mistake” that he’s trying to bring down the President. And in a time of war, that’s basically treason.

I am profoundly concerned. Clarke’s accusations that the Bush administration did not take terrorism as a serious enough threat prior to 9-11 could undermine the president’s ability to carry on the war on terrorism if sufficient doubt is cast in the mind of the American public.

Mike Adams

Mike is being oppressed by U.C. Wilmington. It seems that he was called into the principal’s office and told that he had made a colleague uncomfortable by discussing his weekly columns in the workplace. Of course, all of Mike’s weekly columns are about how everybody else at U.C. Wilmington is a loony/lesbo/Commie/fascist/weenie, so one can see how a colleague might get sick of Mike’s whining, and file a harassment complaint about him. But since Mike has a First Ammendment right to be a big jerk, he got even with them all by making a list of all the times they made HIM feel uncomfortable — it’s not only the perfect revenge, it makes scintillating reading for everybody else in the country.

Then there are all the times that the name Jesus Christ has been used as a form of profanity in the office. That makes me feel uncomfortable. By the way, I am especially offended by the phrase ?Jesus F***ing Christ!? I mean, no one ever says ?Mo-F***ing-Hammed!? or ?F***ing Buddha!,? do they?

Suzanne Fields

Being an upper-middle-class stay-at-home mother is the trendy, new thing to do this year! All the smart, hip women are quitting work so they can spend their days having coffee with their friends while they discuss art, literature, and politics; they make this sacrifice for the good of their babies. Being infertile or having to work in order to support your kids is soooo last year.

We even have new words to describe old, once-familiar things. “Cocooning,” the making of cozy nests presided over by wives determined to protect their husbands and their children from chill winds blowing in from the cold outside, has given way to “hiving.” Hiving is turning the home into a beehive, a busy place of domestic industry presided over by a queen bee ready to deliver a nasty sting to anyone who attempts to disturb the peace and serenity of her hive.

It’s Revenge of the BeeGirls 2004, starring Michelle Malkin, Danielle Crittenden, and Meghan Cox Gurdon! And fortunately, since being a wealthy houswife is now all the rage, the Wall Street Journal and Madison Avenue are helping to make these brave women’s lives easier.

The Wall Street Journal surveys the new housewares that make life inside the hive more fun, or at least less inconvenient to the queen bee: Toastit Toaster Bags, to make grilled-cheese sandwiches without leaving “muss” in the toaster; Snap-Saver No-Brainer Containers, with lids that snap to the bottom of the plastic cups to help a forgetful mom to remember where she put them; and the disposable Scrub ‘N Flush brush to keep the toilet squeaky clean.

Of course, the biggest convenience for these Queen Bees are nannies, the worker bees of the hive.

David Limbaugh

Just because Bush dressed up in a flight suit and was a passenger in a jet which landed on a battleship where a “Mission Accomplished” banner was flying, the Democrats accused Bush of politicizing the war. And they also complained of “politicizing” when he used his successful record as Commander in Chief (as shown by that ad with the body of the 9/11 victim) as part of his re-election campaign.

But it’s really the DEMOCRATS who are politicizing the war, by criticizing the President’s handling of it. Which is treason, in that it “undermines our cause.” And anyway, they’re just jealous.

The Democrats have presidential military leadership envy. They just can’t stand that President Bush has so masterfully taken the war to the terrorists.

And that concludes our TownHall Tribute for today. But if you have criticized the President’s handling of the war on terrorism or read Richard Clarke’s book, please turn yourself in to the FBI for treason. And if you want Thomas Sowell to be President so you can snag one of those $10 million a year congressional jobs, you’ll have to convince your conservative friends to vote for Sowell instead of Bush come November.


Comments: 10


Thanks…I think. Good thing hadn’t had my breakfast yet. That was really like what I had always imagined if I had gone to an early 20th c. circus freakshow.

Again, as a practicing Buddhist (we’re hopelessly pacifist, you know), I’m packing now for the pogrom.


Re Suzanne Fields column:
Worth reading – Whew! People actually get paid to write moronic stuff like that?!!! Oh, right, they do. All the time.
I’m familiar with her neighborhood she writes about in D.C. – a typical cross section of America – of typical million dollar or more houses and typical husbands pulling in a few hundred thousand or more a year, minorities being mainly the help.
By the way, do not be mislead: avocado was NOT the “signature shade of the 50’s kitchen.” That particular appliance color arrived in the mid-sixties, along with its companion, harvest gold. Both being often shaded darker around the edges. Pastels like pink, lemon, and light blue began to appear in the mid fifties. Why resarch when you can just walk around the block, and then make stuff up?


Now, now, Michael A-do you REALLY think she left her house and saw even a particle of the real world?


They just can’t stand that President Bush has so masterfully taken the war to the terrorists.

Riiiggghhht. By ignoring intelligence and other advisors. By spending nearly half his time in office pre-911 at vacation retreats. By invading an irrelevant country and then dressing up in olive drag and pretending the USS Lincoln was a really dope ride. This might make terrorists die laughing, but other than that …

The Mind Bomber

I mean, no one ever says ?Mo-F***ing-Hammed!? or ?F***ing Buddha!,? do they?

Let me just go on the record as saying that not only have I made a tireless effort to blaspheme the names of all major religious leaders in a fit of pique (personally, I doubt the Buddha would have been offended – he seems infinitely preferable to any of the monotheist fruitcakes), but I have used the names of pagan gods in a benign manner as well – “Thank Zeus!” “Pan bless you!”, and so on. I’m crazy like that.


That is why those who most affirm Judeo-Christian values believe that war, while always tragic, is on more than a few occasions a moral duty. Nothing “Judeo” ever sanctioned pacifism.

So forget all that “turn the other cheek” or “blessed are the peacemakers” bullshit!

God loves war just as much as He hates fags!


Suzanne Fields’ bizarre pitch of real estate sales and housewares industry buzzword “hiving” sent me off– as these things will– in search of genesis.

I found a prime advocate in the Yankelovich company, a “marketing services consultancy” chock fulla “information, database and custom solutions for breakthroughs in marketing productivity,” providing clients “actionable tactical and strategic guidance that will positively affect their businesses and help them make optimal marketing decisions.”

Still awake?

In various places around the ‘net, Yankelovich champions the term in an attempt to explain why consumers just ain’t buying like they used to and are staying home more, without mentioning troubling facts like a collapsed job market or a stock bubble burst, which would be a much simpler explanation.

Thus, hiving is revealed to be cocooning, but without the negative connotation of retreat– we’re fully engaged, thank you very much, and the reason we’re not spending like drunken sailors nay more is because we don’t want to, not because money’s tight. We have discovered, sez Yankelovich, the “post-accumulation marketplace.”

And don’t you think for a minute that more us are staying home because we got our asses downsized, by the way. Yankelovich explains patiently that it’s because we’re searching for new meaning in our lives, only at home.

Yep, rediscovering our “inner drone,” to coin a phrase.


And a note to Suzanne Fields:

You cannot make a proper grilled cheese sandwich in a toaster.

I don’t give a shit what kind of bag it is; this is heresy of the first order. Sheesh!


Shhh! Not so loud, Chris!

This “grilled cheese sandwich in a plastic bag” would be an excellent covert method of conservative-ocide, since liberals are too intelligent to buy stupid ass plastic food products like this… See, the wingnuts will gradually poison themselves by ingesting daily doses of PCB’s from the melted plastic wrap covering their sandwiches!

So, everybody: buy this product as a gift for your favorite wingnut!

“Feeling a bit peckish, Rush?”


Well, Monsieur Cottage, the Damned Things are teflon, for what it’s worth; couldn’t be worse than a teflon coated pan, I guess. Favorite comment on a thread discussing them: “I hate making grilled cheese sandwiches, I always burn them and I burn my fingers turning them over.”

Holy Mo-fuckin’-hammed.

And since you mention Rush: I wonder about Limbaugh’s appetite and whether he’ll be regaining the weight he lost– now that he’s off the, uh, you know, dude, the shit, man.


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