From The Axis Of Fredericks
Posted on December 21st, 2006 by Gavin M.
Shorter Fred Barnes:
‘We’re Going to Win’: The president finally has a plan for victory.
- The President has been made aware of the existence of a new American Enterprise Institute plan whose title includes the word ‘victory.’
Bonus Shorter Barnes:
- A new Iraq plan, devised by Robert “More Troops” Kagan’s underachieving brother, Frederick “Even-More-Troopy McMoretroops” Kagan, a.k.a., FredMoreTroopsErick “Sir Troopsalot of the More Troops” Moretroops-Kagan, of the Super-Troopity Kagan-Moretroopsowitzes of Greater Ultra-Moretroopsenstein, is difficult briefly to summarize.
Extra Update Bonus-Shorter Barnes (circa late afternoon):
- We neocons have been hearing that the President is going to choose escalation, so we hustled a ‘plan’ together to take credit for it. W00T! Suck it, McCain.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
New plan: Exterminate more of the brutes.
Thankyew, thankyew. No really, ladies and gentlemen, just doing our job, all in a days work here at the American Enterprise Institute. You’re too kind.
Shorter Daniel Dennett:
Nobody here but us zombies. BRRRRAAAINS!
Check out the ad for the Alaska cruise with your favorite AEI pundits. Yeesh.
I still like Atrios’s “Operation Together Forward II: Electric Boogaloo”.
I firmly believe that this new shinier version of stay the course will undoubtedly work.
“Once neighborhoods are cleared, American and Iraqi troops in this plan would remain behind, living day-to-day among the population.”
I bet America would get on board if we called it the Baghdad Slumber Party.
I’m convinced there was a typo in that sentence and that the plan actually reads: “Once neighborhoods are [magically] cleared [by unicorns], American and Iraqi troops in this plan will leave their behinds among the population of Day by Day.” It’ll be like Mary Poppins, where they jump into the sidewalk-chalk drawings and end up in cartoonville, playing with penguins and such. Only the troops will get to hang out with what’s-her-name with the lingerie and curly hair. Yeah, that’ll work.
Why didn’t they think of that earlier?
Policy experts concur: More Troop!
New and Improved Stay the Course!! Now with even more Staying and less Course!!
mikey
Hey, welcome back S. Mortician. But you’re such a cynic. Look. We know what we’re doing with these troopity troops. We have a plan, alright? I mean, a whizbang FUCKING plan. Here, lemme show you what I mean.
Here is an example of the progress we can make just clearing a little neighborhood.
And this is a peaceful scene, dontcha think?
Yep. All Clear. No nasty terrorists here.
Now, don’t you feel better about our magnificent leadership?
mikey
Hey! I finally got my turn to break the internets!!
mikey
Stop it?
I feel bolder now that we have polished this particular turd.
We have the tiger by the tail and we’re looking him straight in the eye.
[el fixo]
Yay!
mikey
I think I know someone w/ an unlimited supply of troopas…
what if the islamofascists install a surge protector? what then?
or do we do that and what’s it consist of.?
…and he’smighty scary!
They don’t need a surge protector. They don’t even have electricity.
*b’dum tish*
F’in brilliant! The neocons have devised the perfect counterpoint to the dirty fucking hippie Defeatocrats’ call to Bring the Troops Home Now — not only do we send even more troops, but then after we find the pony, some troops will remain behind!
Tell ’em what they’ve won, Don Pardo…
“Weh-hell Bob, as part of the Serge strategy, those lucky duckies who get to stay and live day-to-day with Iraqis will be accompanied by the swingin’ sounds of David McBee, the Sleeze Beez, and Zherby (Dancehall Reggae’s First White Female Artist!!1!11)”
Operation Penultimativity
What if we just sent the, y’know, Super Troopers?
Only Serge can guarantee victory.
I’ll try again to evoke Serge.
Uh, so the whole “plan” consists of doing the same thing that’s been done again and again, with the added bonus of leaving small bands of US forces in hostile territory instead of bringing them back to base. I guess they’ll call it “Operation Short Straw”
Let me try that.
“Operation Shinseki“
I know all the other brilliant plans didn’t quite work out, but this time I just know it will.
We’re in ur base, bringin more d00dz…
mikey
These idiots get the attention and the press. “Bring us more of the same – its sure to work this time!” This article seems to be an intelligent take on the war. And ideas like it will probably not see the light of day in the mainsteam media. It really got me thinking about how this war is being framed by our leaders and how their ineptness is being exploited by the islamonazimexihomoliberalfascists fighting the US.
It is a bit longish – but worth the read.
And ideas like it will probably not see the light of day in the mainsteam media
Well, that is a pretty stupid statement on my part. The New Yorker is mainstream. How about:
Ideas like this will probably not be debated seriously by those in control.
This is my fifth story and I’m sticking to it.
Surely these fine young fellows , with their early 90’s fades, can take Baghdad by storm.
Sorry
Aren’t you supposed to go to the emergency room if the surge lasts more than four hours?
Once neighborhoods are cleared, American and Iraqi troops in this plan would remain behind, living day-to-day among the population.
Um….what population? Didn’t you “clear” them all?