Weblog Awards Acceptance Speech


The results of the 2006 Weblog Awards are in and my blog, Jon Swift, has won the Best Humor Blog category by a very wide margin despite being behind in the voting right up until the last minute. You can imagine how shocked the boys at Sadly, No! are after thinking they had it in the bag—about as shocked as Salvador Allende was when he found out he lost the 1973 Chilean presidential election to the late Augusto Pinochet. It turns out a huge box of absentee ballots were found that put me over the top. Most of those ballots came from our servicemen overseas, who turned against Sadly, No! late in the voting when they discovered that the blog’s real name is Sadly, Hussein No! In fact, I would have had a lot more votes if the placement of those radio buttons on the ballot weren’t so confusing to senior citizens.

I think this victory gives me a mandate and so I’ve decided to spend a little of my political capital by having the conspirators behind Sadly, No! taken away in the dead of night and sent to an undisclosed location somewhere in eastern Europe. We have them locked away in solitary confinement where they are being subjected to Powerline posts being read over a loudspeaker at all hours of the day and night by Pamela Oshry.

Above: Pamela Oshry

Unfortunately, we were forced to fit them with dark goggles in case their furious blinking and twitching was some sort of an attempt to send secret messages to other terrorist bloggers in Morse Code. We’re sure it won’t take much to extract the names of their fellow travelers in the liberal blogosphere. (You can run but you can’t hide, Michael Bérubé!)

So there are going to be a few changes around here. No more cheap shots at the expense of patriotic conservative bloggers who are fighting the terrorists over here so they don’t have to fight them over there. No more adolescent Fauxtoshop tricks.

Above: cheap shot and/or adolescent Photoshop trick

No more unfairly selective fisking of obscure conservative columnists from fringe publications like the National Review. No more Hugh Hewitt breast jokes or Jonah Goldberg ass jokes. Nothing but good, clean conservative humor like the kind IMAO and Scrappleface did before a mysterious denial of service attack blew them offline permanently (we’re going to miss you guys!). So this blog is under new management. Let the Ted Kennedy jokes begin!


Comments: 28


No! Not the baby panda!


[switched with something even worse]


Mark Foley, Ted Kennedy, and the ghost of Birch Bayh walk into a bar….


An imam, rabbi, priest, and minister walk into the Green Zone….


Mark Hamil, Gary Ruppert and Shakira walk into a Planned Parenthood…


Gawjus post. (Except, that hasn’t been uttered in a voice that could peel paint.)


Dang, just when I started feeling sorry for you guys!


To be fair, that panda infant was probaly muslim. Or at least Buddhist.

Jihadist’s wear Levis and satin vests? Huh.

Christ. This woman sees anti-semitism in close-knit geodesic patterns. ZOMG! A theme hotel-casino in Vegas is selling MIDDLE EAST FLAVORED CLOTHES!!

Anyone who trys to use the goddamn fashion industry as a borometer for life needs medication.


I think people who run parody blogs are utterly contemptible. And stuff!


I’m sorry, but I simply cannot go on without the trademark Johah Goldberg ass jokes! I shall have to quit thee blog, until teh Nosians of Sad return!

(And btw, where’s my prezzie anyway? YOU PROMISED!)


I love Pamela. She reminds me of my sister, but crazy…


I am Sir No’se Devoid of Sad. I want a prezzie too. A nice one, with a curly ribbon.

BTW, I didn’t vote for you or anyone, does it matter? Is there a litmus test?


[…] Poise! Poise! « Weblog Awards Acceptance Speech Dec19 […]


Hey, you said Ted Kennedy! You know, I used to be a Democrat myself, but since 9/11, I’m really outraged by Chappaquiddick!

And welcome to Sadly, Hussein No!, Mr. Swift. I certainly hope you’ll change this blog’s middle name to Freedom.


Has anybody else noticed that Michael Moore is a big fat guy?


I known when I’m not needed.


Congratulations. Yet another triumph in the marketplace of ideas. I wouldn’t be so swift to abandon the adolescent humor, though. Remember Ricardo’s Iron Law of Comedy: In the humor market, jokes tend to stabilize in the long run at the level of basic bodily function.


I’m with you Irony.

No need for me to stick around. It’ll be years before these guys find Teh Funny.

Let’s go over to driftglass’ place. I’ll bring some absinthe…


I, for one, welcome our new fishbelly-paste-white overlord. Just as soon as I can pick him out from the background.


Jon Swift is a humor blog? Not! Nuh-uh! No way! Swift is a brilliant political strategist and a true conservative. (He may not be as manly and heterosexual as General Joshua C. Christian, but come on, who could be?) I personally have started at least seventeen PACs to advocate for his proposals, and as soon as I get a link from Instapundit, these are gonna take off!

Heeeeey! You guys are putting me on, right? This is just Seb in disguise, pretending to be Jon Swift to discredit him. Wow, you Sadly, No! guys are TRICKSY!


Luckily, as a member of the Old Left, I’m easily swayed by strong leaders who eliminate their enemies and make bold proclamations of sweeping change. All hail the new Revolution!


I truly love that picture of Pamela, especially the attention to detail displayed by the little trickle of blood on her t-shirt. Clearly, when eating live baby pandas, one should wear a bib.


Does that logo have jaggies? *GASP* Mr Swift, sir, I submit that Gavin has been loafing in your PhotoShop mines rather than hard at work furthering the purposes of your illustrious empire, and that you have been far too kindly in your treatment of him.


Anyone who trys to use the goddamn fashion industry as a borometer for life needs medication.

Uhhhh…SG, you’re recommending medication for PamAtlasShrugs?

Irony, RUN! Your work here is done!


If Ted Kennedy drove a Volkswagen, he’d be president now.


Does that logo have jaggies? *

Psst…c’mere, real close-like…


May I interest you in some ear-protection?

Quaker in a Basement

Miss Universe, Miss USA, and Miss Teen USA walk into a bar….


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