The Week in Sutures…

Good news, everybody! (Pretend I didn’t sound like Professor Farnsworth when I said that.)

Anyway, the good news is that we have a dispatch from Seb, our embedded reporter in the German hospital. He brings word that the schools are now open, and they have electricity and Halliburton-built police stations. And hospitals!

No, actually his report follows. It’s like “The Week In Numbers,” but from a hospital perspective. And the really good new is that not only does it sound like Seb doing okay, but he’s still funny!

Here’s “The Week in Sutures”:


14 days, 42 hospital meals, 56 unwanted medical procedures, 68 telephone conversations with our wife and 117 blue pills (and yet, no sponge bath — oh, the cruelty!) later, it’s time for a hospital roundup:

  • Funniest email we received (from Japanese friends discussing their 1+ year old daughter:) “Kanna has been doing very well. She walks well and speaks something (?) a lot. I believe she has been speaking Japanese but nobody knows.”
  • Most appropriate comment made about our meals by a patient not us: “Are we supposed to eat this?”
  • Most appropriate comment made about our meals by us (after noticing that neighbor above had been served the same unappetizing dish:) “We shall die together.”
  • Number of readers who will conclude, after reading this entry, “JFC, S,N! has turned into Kausfiles, only with different colors:” 27.
  • Average percentage of what was said to us we understood: 70%.
  • What the typical conversation sounded like as a result:

    Hi altogether [German humor — if you don’t get it, don’t worry] Mr. No!, my name is Dr. Oetker. Later today I’m sending you to ??? where they will perform a ???. You’re going to experience a lot of pain but this is normal. However, should you feel any ??? or ??? you must tell the nurse immediately, as this might mean that you are suffering from ???. Have a nice day.

  • Funniest thing we thought of saying but didn’t:

    Doctor: [looking at our wife] “Can you handle this without a translator?”
    Sadly, No: “That’s no translator, that’s my wife!”

  • Number of meals that went by with our name misspelled by the cafeteria staff: 21.
  • What we said after meal #19 when the nurse said she’d try to get them to spell it properly: “We’re going to stay here as long as they don’t get it right.”
  • Number of newspapers we managed to read while here: 1.
  • Number of days to go before our awareness of major news events bottoms out: 27.
  • Number of days to go before our awareness of major news events reaches the level of a typical Fox News viewer: 55.
  • Last new band we heard of before coming here: Maroon 5.
  • A much better name for that band: Mucus 47.
  • Number of funny things that came to us which we subsequently forgot because we didn’t write them down: 77.
  • Comments: 4


    Number of well wishes from faithful readers back here in the States: Too many too count.


    Just wanted to let you know somebody got the Dr. Oetker joke.


    Glad to hear you’re doing so well in the sutures market, Seb.

    Dr. Peanut and dr. s.z. have been keeping the rest of us regulars in stitches.


    Dr. Peanut and dr. s.z. have been keeping the rest of us regulars in stitches.

    They’re way funnier than you, Seb! Better get back quick! 🙂 Glad you’re keeping your sense of humor. Hope the nurses are treating you like the ones in the porno flicks treat their patients (I infer this only from seeing the video boxes in the store — porn nurses evidently minister to their patients’ every need.)


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