Swankpocalypse Now

Today, Pastor Swank writes about the differences between Christian and Muslim conceptions of the apocalypse. The gist of the column is, our apocalypse makes sense because we’re us, but the Muslims’ is crazy because they’re them. Let’s check it out:


Above: Pastor Swank, a.k.a., the Fifth Horseman.

‘APOCALYPSE’ VARIES WORLDWIDE
By J. Grant Swank, Jr.

“Apocalypse” is defined differently globally.

Christians who believe the Bible as divine revelation hold that End Times will grow increasingly sinful, natural calamities will increase, tribulation against believers will engulf the planet, and the political Anti-Christ will rule alongside the religious False Prophet. Armageddon will climax their rule with the return of Christ who will win the battle to establish His millennial peace.

Am I the only one who gets all hot and bothered when Pastor Swank talks about “climaxing?”

…OK, apparently I am. Jerks.

Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and those of his ilk believe their Islamic messiah will return in the midst of a global holocaust. Iranians have constructed Tehran improvements by which to welcome back the Muslim messiah. Costing millions upon millions, such refurbishing is defined as Islamic loyalty maximum.

So while the Muslamics are building monuments to welcome their messiah, we Americans are doing nothing to make ol’ J.C. feel at home when he returns. This is simply unacceptable. Mr. President, we must not allow a messiah-welcoming gap!

Islamics hold that Imam Mahdi, a 9th century figure, will come to Earth, per latimes.com’s Louis Sahagun.

“To the majority of Shiites, the Mahdi was the last of the prophet Muhammad’s true heirs, his 12 righteous descendants chosen by God to lead the faithful. Ahmadinejad hopes to welcome the Mahdi to Tehran within two years.”

While Christians await Christ and Muslims await Mahdi, Jews await their messiah by establishing a rebuilt temple in Jerusalem. The temple must be situated on Solomon’s temple original site. Now in that original site’s yard is the Dome of the Rock.

Meanwhile, Brad awaits his messiah by sleeping a lot and selling his anti-depressants to homeless people and escaped mental patients. We’re all different, man. Taste the rainbow, dig?

While Bible devotees follow Scripture to the letter regarding daily holy living and the expectation of Christ’s Second Coming, apostates take over large segments of mainline Protestant denominations. Therefore, we have the “spiritual falling away” in homosexual support in the Episcopal Church, United Church of Christ (Congregational), Unitarian Society and segments of the Presbyterian and United Methodist Churches. That leaves the righteous remnant fighting for biblical truth especially at the grassroots.

The Bible relates that in the End Times there will be the righteous remnant within all denominations. As time moves along, the wheat will separate from the chaff until the Second Coming.

In the meantime, the biblical disciples know that their prime mission is to share the good news of personal salvation by Christ’s grace and mercy. That is the basic of all Christian truth according to the New Testament.

Along with, apparently, “gays can’t get married,” “Muslims are evil,” and “British imperialism was good.” No, really. Check out this bonus Swank column:

What Operation Iraqi Freedom has shown the free countries is that Judeo-Christian heritages have formed democracies. For instance, wherever the British Empire stretched around the world, it planted churches, Bibles, worship of Christ as Redeemer, personal accountability before an Eternal Judge, an afterlife of heaven or hell, and the biblical ethic.

Yeah, the Brits’ wonderful church-planting sure turned countries like Sierra Leone into mega-happy paradise lands full of cupcakes and naked women.

It is the Judeo-Christian heritage that best formulates a personal freedom culture. The Judeo-Christian holy writ, the Bible, lays out morality bases for establishing laws, justice, education, family, marriage, community, medical assistance and generic hope.

Which is much cheaper than the popular name-brand hope.

In Judeo-Christian heritage countries the biblical message of compassion has been worked out in establishing colleges, schools, hospitals, clinics, dispensaries, churches, shelters for the poor, programs for the destitute, caring apparatuses for the less fortunate and more.

Obviously, those heartless Buddhists know nothing of compassion.

These taken-for-granted expressions of Christian compassion are missing in non-Judeo-Christian heritage countries. This is particularly so in Islamic countries. There the sharia “legal system� is honored. This system demands “honor killing,� demeaning of females from birth till death, male dominance in the culture, lashing youths at public poles, burying adultery-accused in dirt up to the neck followed by bashing in the head via stones, the sizes prescribed in the Koran, as well as genital mutilation of young females.

This barbarism is not tolerated in Judeo-Christian heritage countries because of the biblical morality ensconced therein.

Uh, Swank? If I’m not mistaken, the Bible mandates executing children who swear at their parents.

Free country leaders assumed the Judeo-Christian heritage base would be transferable to Iraqis once Saddam Hussein was toppled. Now they realize such transference is impossible because Iraqi society is governed by a cultic Islam, not a democracy-based understanding of government.

Interestingly enough, Judeo-Christian heritage countries have taken this heritage so for granted over time that their leaders have assumed naively that such a grand heritage will be adopted by any other nation simply by its citizenry “seeing the light.�

Iraqis are not in the mood to “see the light� of Judeo-Christianity. In fact, this is the heritage most despised. Therefore, there will be no democracy plant in Iraq.

Aaaawwww… does that mean we’ll have to cancel our shipment of Freedom Spread too?

 

Comments: 42

 
 
 

It’s been forever since I read my Christian eschatology, but when did they start splitting up the Anti-Christ into two beings to follow a seperation of church and state? It seems like a new tack on the Christian hatred of the material realm to me.

 
Karatist Preacher
 

The guy on the religious network just told me that ‘as long as you remain wrapped up in yourself, you are a very small package indeed.’

🙁

 
 

The fact is, liberals are moron pantywaists and drain on society, not productive at all.

 
 

“Islamic loyalty maximum.”

Where does the reverend Mr. Swank get his syntax? I think I need to read him with a Yoda accent.

“caring apparatuses for the less fortunate”
Caring apparatuses sounds like a very bad translation from the Japanese for dildo.

 
 

My second coming’s bigger than youuuuuuuuuuuuurs. Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.

He doesn’t happen to be mourning Pinochet’s passing, does he? That would be icing on the diarrhea.

 
 

He doesn’t happen to be mourning Pinochet’s passing, does he?

That would require him to know some more stuff and I think he’s full up to the top.

 
 

Pastor Swak writes like the awesome Dr. Bronner’s soap labels, fabled in lore.

For example:

“That beneath God’s Law, the Essene Moral ABC, that 6 billion strong unites All-One- God-Faith men will embrace in brother-love to never kill in bitter hate. Who dare to hear the mighty truth, reverberating through long years, that faith- love-courage conquer fear & teamwork heal a nation’s tears”

How is this different from any of Swank’s sermonettes?

More information about Dr. Bronner’s Soaps can be found on the internet.

 
 

Uhh, wasn’t democracy founded by polytheists centuries before Teh Jesus was even born?

“What Operation Iraqi Freedom has shown the free countries is that Judeo-Christian heritages have formed democracies. For instance, wherever the British Empire stretched around the world, it planted churches, Bibles, worship of Christ as Redeemer, personal accountability before an Eternal Judge, an afterlife of heaven or hell, and the biblical ethic.”
And nothing bad EVERY happened for it! Yay God! Ehh? What? Indigenious American civilizations? Uhh, nope, never heard of them…*cough*

“Free country leaders assumed the Judeo-Christian heritage base would be transferable to Iraqis once Saddam Hussein was toppled. Now they realize such transference is impossible because Iraqi society is governed by a cultic Islam, not a democracy-based understanding of government.”
See? It’s THEIR fault our plan was shiit!
Doesn’t that logic kind of run paralle to the grand battle stragety of the Martians in War of the Worlds? Hey, let’s not test the water or air for deadly bacteria or microbs or nuthin.

 
 

Patkin: At some point, some folks split the Anti-Christ into three parts (the Beast, the Anti-Christ, the False Prophet), thus creating an Anti-Trinity. Swank, however, is just pulling all this out of his ass, per usual.

As much as I dig Swank’s Yoda-Drunk-on-Jim-Beam vibe, he really needs some new material. He needs to do another “Miracles Happen” series.

 
Principal Blackman
 

Caring apparatuses sounds like a very bad translation from the Japanese for dildo.

This is so funny, I had to delurk in order to express how funny it is.

As long as I’m delurking, I have to say that every time I see Pastor Swank’s name, I think of that villain from the McBain movie. “Swank: 10 times more addictive than marijuana!”

 
 

Uhh, wasn’t democracy founded by polytheists centuries before Teh Jesus was even born?

Oh yeah, right! You liberals will fall for anything, won’t you? What’s next: The British Empire used to rule Iraq, thus torpedoing Swank’s assertion that everywhere it went it spread ponyish goodness?

 
 

I hear tourists from all over the judeo-christiansphere travel to India to see those British-planted churches…

 
 

And who can forget the charming little Paddington Bear episode, where Paddington Bear and Emily decide to “help” Daddy Britannia to plant his churches, only Paddington Bear and Emily can’t decide which side of the church is up and which is down, so they plant the churches upside down by mistake, with the steeples under the dirt and the pews up above.

O! My! Daddy Britannia was so very cross!

 
 

Where does the reverend Mr. Swank get his syntax?

The Holy Roller Pentacostal church. Seriously. You seen The Apostle? Those guys. Just imagine that sort of verbalized period thing they do, and it all makes perfect sense. Same knowledge of the Bible, too, just make shit up as they go along

 
 

My generic hope is to reach paradise lands full of naked women and cupcakes maximum.

 
 

If you’re going to quote the bible, please reference “The Brick Testament,” it has pictures! The one for children stoned by parents much maligned is…

http://www.thebricktestament.com/the_law/when_to_stone_your_children/dt21_18a.html

 
 

Oy gevalt! Could you stop already with the lashing and the burying and the bashing in the head via stones! You could put someone’s eye out!

 
 

Daily Reading, Book of Lucas, verses 12-16:

12 And lo, the mighty Savior came from on high, and he was dressed in black; 13 and he smote his enemies with the green light of his sword; 14 And he removed the Beast from his throne, and cast him down from a high place; 15 And he took up the throne from the Beast, and restored balance to the Force. 16 And there was much rejoicing.

Here endeth the lesson.

 
 

I think Swank needs to get his stories straight. The Judeo-Christian heritage leads to democracy, which he proves by citing an empire that denied the right of self rule to half the planet and an example of a military invasion not being welcomes with flowers and parades. Then the Judeo-Christian heritage best formulates a personal freedom culture, but true Christians shouldn’t allow people the personal freedom to be gay. I’m a little confused.

And a lot of the things that the Swankster credits the Judeo-Christians with were actually things that were fought for and earned by the secularists and humanists. Ever heard of the Dark Ages? Also, there are plenty of Islamic groups that setup social services such as hospitals and schools and food for the poor – that’s part of the reason that Islam has spread so much (and still is).

 
 

…apostates take over large segments of mainline Protestant denominations.

I love it when protestants use words like “apostate” or “heretic”. Makes me laugh.

 
 

Could you stop already with the lashing and the burying and the bashing in the head via stones!

He only said “Jehovah”!

 
 

[i]In Judeo-Christian heritage countries the biblical message of compassion has been worked out in establishing colleges, schools, hospitals, clinics, dispensaries, churches, shelters for the poor, programs for the destitute, caring apparatuses for the less fortunate and more . . .
These taken-for-granted expressions of Christian compassion are missing in non-Judeo-Christian heritage countries. This is particularly so in Islamic countries.[/i]

Yeah, especially considering that compassion and charity are [i]mandatory in islam[/i], as in one of the [i]Five Pillars of Islamic faith[/i].

 
 

Dammit! Sorry about the html problem.

 
Oh That's Just George
 

“It is the Judeo-Christian heritage that best formulates a personal freedom culture.”

No… He… Di’in’t!!!
The thing Swanky-poo might not have noticed, for I don’t think he’d leave it that wide open (or WOULD he?), is that he just made a wonderful opener for any solid pro-choice, gay-positive argument…
Also, presumably implies that within such a society the best conditions for the personal freedom to….urm… NOT be a Judeo-Christianista…
Or am I reading too much into this?

 
 

Freedom in Swank/RepublicanLand means you have teh rights, as long as you don’t actually use them.

Except for the freedom to shoot somebody in the face. That one’s a gimme.

 
 

What Operation Iraqi Freedom has shown the free countries is that Judeo-Christian heritages have formed democracies. For instance, wherever the British Empire stretched around the world, it planted churches, Bibles, worship of Christ as Redeemer, personal accountability before an Eternal Judge, an afterlife of heaven or hell, and the biblical ethic.

So, the Judeo-Christian tradition has been responsible for planting churches, Bibles, and worship of Christ as Redeemer. That is… very big of them, I guess, all things considered. A bit out of character, I support, but rather gracious of them, under the circumstances.

 
 

Not all Muslims, I mean “Islamics”, believe that Mahdi is coming back. The piece he quoted doesn’t say that. It says “a majority of Shiites”, and the Shiites make up a minority of Muslims (about 15%). Likewise, not all Christians believe in a “Left Behind” type Second Coming.

Wouldn’t it be funny if all the second comings came at once? What if Jesus, Mahdi, the Jewish Messiah, Kalki, Maitreya, and all the rest came at the same time.

 
 

compassion are missing in non-Judeo-Christian heritage countries…particularly so in Islamic countries

Yeah, how come they don’t have something like the Red Cross? Heartless bastards!

Am I the only one who gets all hot and bothered when Pastor Swank talks about “climaxing?

What happens to you when he starts talks about the “second coming”?

 
 

oops

 
Herr Doktor Bimler
 

“What if Jesus, Mahdi, the Jewish Messiah, Kalki, Maitreya, and all the rest came at the same time.”
And in a faux-pas of Biblical proportions, they were all wearing the same $8000 red dress….

 
 

“What if Jesus, Mahdi, the Jewish Messiah, Kalki, Maitreya, and all the rest came at the same time?”

All coming at once?? think that would require a new Pamela Anderson video at a mininum.

 
 

Broken tags?

Call Mr. Fix-italic.

 
 

What if Jesus, Mahdi, the Jewish Messiah, Kalki, Maitreya, and all the rest came at the same time.

well, great; they could share a tour bus and we can save on travel expenses.

 
 

What if Jesus, Mahdi, the Jewish Messiah, Kalki, Maitreya, and all the rest came at the same time.

We could schedule them in a game against the Harlem Globetrotters.

 
 

What if Jesus, Mahdi, the Jewish Messiah, Kalki, Maitreya, and all the rest came at the same time.

They better be bringing a dish to pass.

 
 

What if Jesus, Mahdi, the Jewish Messiah, Kalki, Maitreya, and all the rest came at the same time.

Call the spooge-boy!

[man, this is easy]

 
Herr Doktor Bimler
 

well, great; they could share a tour bus and we can save on travel expenses.
Touring with “Caring Apparatuses for the Less Fortunate” as the band name?

 
 

I suppose that ol’ swank is ignorant of the fact that Iraq had a population of Christians that dated bak to a few years after Jeebus’ death ascension. The various Iraqis had almost a couple thousand years to “see the light” of Christianity, but for the most part remained heathen Muslims. Perhaps it was all the fault of Iraq’s tiny Christian population for not evangelizing with enough fervor over those centuries, or else, by now Iraq could be the largest and only Christian-majority nation in the Mid-East. You know, except for the fact that had they evangelized more, they would have been slaughtered by whoever happened to be in power at the time. What to do, what to do?

 
 

Erm-I meant the Muslims had… what was it? 1500-1600years? to “see the light” insofaras Christianity goes, since Islam came onto the scene later. There.

 
 

What if Jesus, Mahdi, the Jewish Messiah, Kalki, Maitreya, and all the rest came at the same time.

well, great; they could share a tour bus and we can save on travel expenses.

Oooo, I’m glad you came up with that.

My first thought was, ‘Damn, parking is really going to be a problem!’

 
 

Erm-I meant the Muslims had… what was it? 1500-1600years? to “see the light� insofaras Christianity goes, since Islam came onto the scene later. There.

The Koran is a nifty book in that it’s one that really snipes at what came before, much like everything on the internet.

It’s also a stupid book full of hellfire and boiling guts, but yeah, if you’re God, what the fuck do you need a son for?

 
 

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