A Swank By Any Other Name

Pastor Swank is taking a break from usual his Muslim-hatin’ to once again write about his favorite topic: sweaty gay guys and the corporations who love them. The results are predictably LOLMFAOROFL-worthy:

By J. Grant Swank, Jr.

Sears’ two-minute infomercials aid LOGO air shows which in turn aids homosexual lifestyle becoming mainstream acceptable.

I bet I can make more sense of that sentence by switching around all the vowels:

Seirs’ twu-monate onfumircoels eod LUGU eor shuws whoch on tarn eods humusixael lofistale bicumong meonstriem ecciptebli.

Well, I wouldn’t say it makes more sense, but now you can at least pretend that Swank is trying to broaden his cultural horizons by writing in ancient Welsh.

Bonus Swankery:

Sears has put its backing to the LOGO network, the latter showing “Sex 2K Drag Kings,” “The Gayest and Greatest ofr 2006,” and “Transgeneration.”

Don’t forget “My Big Fat Greek Homo Nup.”


Comments: 25


Kmart RE: Hello,

I wish to advice you your postitsion of support for Sears that I shall not enter your stores or purchase you from is long asf you support ofr Sex 2K Drag Kings afd Homo TV.

J. Grant Swank, Jr.


Ancient Welsh doesn’t have an X. I could believe it’s an example of the Latin-by-priests-who-didn’t-speak-Latin you find examples of in the 5th through 8th centuries, though.


I remember asking a friend at Logo how exactly they expected it to succeed. She answered, ‘We’re urban, educated, wealthy and have ready money that we don’t spend on kids–name me a better demographic.’ Sorry Pastor Swank, your little pinky can’t hold back the flood coming through the dikes.


Swank columns are even funnier if you imagine Borat reading them aloud.


Gay money is just as green as alcoholic, wife-abusing, mistress-seeing, dead-beat dad money.
I’m just sayin’.

So, Swanks thinks that homosexuals becoming acceptable is bad. Sooo, he then must think that making homosexuals UNacceptable is good. So, I wonder, what does he think we should do with all them Gays who are not acceptable in our society? Round them up into concentration camps and/or ship em off to, say… New Zealand? Or hunt them down for sport, like a fox hunt?
Inquiring minds want to know!

Also, have we (read: you guys who can stand to read Town Hall, et al. without your “logic center” portion of your brain trying to throttle yourself until the sweet release of death) heard anything from Coach Dave recently? I’m starting to get worried that one day his wife will come home one evening to find nothing but a pot of boiling water, empty boxes of Barilla everywhere, and Coach Dave, swinging from the ceiling fan with a noose roped from spaghetti; the words “pusher,” and “puller” scrawled on the walls and cabinats in garlic basil tomato sauce.


If you go to the “send a message to Sears” just edit it like I did and send a heapin’ cupful of praise- although I am left to wonder- do they really read crap like that? Is there a peon there that will chuckle at my e-mail from his site, which is clearly not within formation? Or will they just register that another message has been sent through them and leave it at that? Does anyone know how this really works?


I have to say I’m ecstatic at seeing the Great English Vowel Shift filter getting some use. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.

Yua shuald asi thet muri uftin, ot’s griet fan. End, jast es yua seod, Pestur Swenk mekis muri sinsi thet wey.


Pastor Swank is just bitter that his columns didn’t even rate a mention in “The Gayest and Greatest of 2006.” Because you know he’s secretly been hopin’ and prayin’ that the objects of his… focus… will finally notice him lurking at the next bench over in the locker room, sitting two rows back at the lecture, frantically scribbling ‘notes’ (Mr. Pastor Dave Gayest & Greatest Swank) in his Trapper Keeper at the corner cafeteria table where even the Loser Kids won’t sit…


If you play a recording of Swank backwards, I swear you can hear “Coach Dave is dead.”


Speaking of Coach Dave, he makes a Very Special Guest Appearance in this month’s Harper’s magazine, which has an article in it about the attempt by fundamentalists to rewrite American history.

Apparently, Coach Dave’s “Minutement United” coalition has been running a prayer warrior project that they call “Operation Polished Shaft”. The article neglects to give any details about it, so I am left with nothing but my imagination to fill in the details.

I wish to God I hadn’t been.

LA Confidential Pantload

How does Rev. Swank know what’s showing on LOGO? Sounds an awful lot like the Virgin Ben’s “research” on pornography, don’t it?


“Polished shafts”? I thought they weren’t allowed to do that.


Nothing like a riveting AFA Action Alert to put Pastor Swanker into froth mode. Next on the agenda: Sears Tool Department…clandestine meeting place for prowling homosexuals.


Sears’ two-minute infomercials aid LOGO air shows which in turn aids homosexual lifestyle becoming mainstream acceptable.

I dunno about vowel-shifting (is that like valve-shifting?), but the more I read this line the more I’m convinced that Swingin Swank just picks random words, maybe refrigerator magnets or something, and sits back and laughs his ass off as we try to decipher some meaning from them. I mean, I’m utterly flummoxed…



You know, I always thought you were deliberately mangling his sentences (for I had never plucked up the courage to click on any of the links you provide before now), but he really does write English like a twelve-year-old Ukranian peasant with a severe head injury!



I can see how the urgency of ….er….denouncing a cable TV channel….made Swank rush that little item into print without editing.

I mean, someone could actually watch it if they wanted to. Or something.


And Augusto Pinochet passes away within a couple of weeks of Milton Friedman.

Which is totally OT, but definitely appropos. They deserve each other.


you can at least pretend that Swank is trying to broaden his cultural horizons by writing in ancient Welsh.

You rang?


I’d like to see someone tell Swank that his arguments are anti-capitalist, and that preventing Sears from making money because it’s immoral puts him in bed with those Red Commies.


“It is carried on many cable systems around the country. Many of you have been forced to accept it as part of your cable package. Sears is now helping to make it mainstream!” AFA stated in its release.

Cox Cable New Orleans offers LOGO as part of its Digital Variety Package. This package also includes six Christian channels, three channels aimed at blacks and black families, six channels for kids, three on fine living and fashion, and five channels of music videos. Plus LOGO.

And since all those are included in the package, I am forced to watch every single one of them.


24 hours a day, natch.


It’s even worse for me. Our TV doesn’t work so I am forced to stare at a screen of static for 3 hours every evening until I go to bed.


Subtle the way he managed to get the words aid, aids, and homosexual in a single sentence that wasn’t even about an immune deficiency.


Doug – think yourself lucky. I don’t have a TV, so every evening after work I sit on the couch and stare at the wall.


ajay, you’re lucky. I just stare at the abyss and dammit if it doesn’t start staring back. Stupid abyss.


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