Any Questions?

Okay, today’s “Everybody Loves Doug Giles” is a fast and furious ride with Roger Rabbit through the surreal and manic world of a zombie movie as sung by Celine Dion. So strap on those Biblical values and get ready to rock like it’s 1999!

Our current culture is trying to toss off Judeo-Christian ethics, as Rosie O?Donnell would a tub of low-fat yogurt.

Doug is, like one of you pointed out last week, a failed Dennis Miller wannabe (just when you thought that Dennis was about as pathetic as a man could get, you meet the man who wants to be him) who seems to make pop culture references to show that he’s hip and with it, even though they MAKE NO SENSE WHATSOEVER.

Anyway, I guess that Doug is saying that the un-thin Rosie would “toss off”a tub of low-fat yogurt — you know, because she’s lactose intolerant. And that’s like how our culture is throwing away Judeo-Christian ethics once the “use by” date has passed, even though we’re all fat and should eat low-fat yogurt, despite the fact that we don’t like it and would probably be better off just waiting for dinner.

For the last 40 years there has been a belligerent, systematic secularization of the United States by the liberal thought police, removing from all public sectors of society any semblance of biblical values, all influence of religious institutions and all sacred symbolism.

These anti-religious relativists reject the notion of an absolute standard of truth, applicable to all people, in all places and at all times. For this cabal, there is no transcendent norm of right or wrong; there is only pleasure and pain. For them, since God does not exist, or at least cannot be solidly defined ? well then, nothing is prohibited.

It?s crack night in the ferret hut, baby!

And it’s Mardi Gras in the Battle of Little Bighorn, kid. It’s “The Apprentice” in a blender, my sweet! It’s rugby in the Tilt-o-Whirl, ma petite chou!

In the PoMo world where truth is ?dead?, power becomes the operative principle of speech and the results are conformity and bullying. You know, the stuff you see on a 24/7 basis if you click on ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, Bravo, VH1 and MTV as they pulverize the religious traditionalist with every banal broadcast.

Well, geez, if the religious traditionalist can be pulverized by banality, then maybe he didn’t deserve to survive.

The secular revolutionaries have created a rock-solid environment of political correctness, and God help you if you rustle their feathers by not parroting their opinions. Yes, the person who champions a traditional view of truth and not hype, who stands for the historical record and not the hysterical read, and who believes that biblically based, previously proven transcendent standards should continue to serve as an external pattern to govern our nation?s character: that person will endure more scorn than Alanis Moresette?s last boyfriend.

Like somebody else pointed out last week, Doug is about 5-years behind the times in his references (and unable to spell their names correctly).

But, you know, so what? The grand, the great and the noble have never had it easy. We will get whacked, as the immortal Elmer Fudd might say, by the scared, secular ?wittle wabbits?. The secularized Sopranos will come after you, my traditional, conservative, Christian buddy, and do everything they can to suppress you. So, buy yourself some seriously protective gear ? starting with a cup and a face mask.

Okay, Doug has heard of “The Sopranos,” so maybe he didn’t really take up resident in an underground fallout shelter about the time he found religion. But is the ineffectual, stupid, weak, Elmer Fudd really who the “grand, great, and noble” are supposed to identify with? And while the wabbit was pretty secular, was he ever actually scared? I mean, didn’t he win every round with Elmer, so what did he have to be scared of? And would a cup and face mask protect you from being “suppressed” by a Sopranos-hired hitman with an Uzi?

Look ? truth has never been popular with the solipsistic navel-gazers but it is always effective and liberating, and therefore demands that we side with it, even when it?s detested. The person who holds an objective biblical view of right and wrong needs to stand up, especially in this day where evil has been twisted into appearing good and good, evil. No matter what the cost and no matter how hard he?ll be slammed in the media, in liberal chat rooms and on Salon?s blogs.

“Salon blogs”? Hey, is that a reference to World O’Crap? I bet it was! Woo hoo, Doug thinks I’m slamming him hard! This is indeed a proud day for me, Doc.

My ClashPoint is this: ?If as a nation we neglect the truth, contradict the truth or are careless with the truth then we have stumbled into a carelessness?, as Os Guinness says, ?that we can ill afford?. As individuals and as the only free superpower on the planet, we may not blow off the verities of holy writ and its time-tested values. We must not take the moral law and discard it like the planet did Geri Halliwell?s latest CD. For if we do, we?ll watch our country get torn apart quicker than a skirt marked down to $1.99 at the Gap.

I have some questions about the above paragraph: Just which are planet’s unfree superpowers? Who is Geri Halliwell? (Okay, I just looked it up — she was Ginger Spice; since she apparently hasn’t released a CD for like four years, this is another manifestation of Doug’s time warp.) And what does that line about torn apart Gap skirts mean? Seriously, does he mean that the skirt will get pulled to pieces as the shoppers fight for bargains on outdated, unfashionable clothing? Does he mean that the skirt is cheaply made (which is why it was marked down), and will rip easily when you try to put it on? Was the skirt remaindered because it has the Ten Commandments printed on it, and bought as an ironic statement by the secular revolutionaries, who then shredded it on MTV? Or was it torn to bits by the ferrets on crack? I need to know — the fate of our country is riding on it!

Let?s face it: we need committed, conservative Americans with cojones. Who cares about skin color: red, yellow, black, brown, or white? You and I must stand up for what we believe. We must be seen and heard within the public square. And we must keep at it, relentlessly.

That is, if we don?t want the greatest republic to become ? a banana republic.

Is that a reference to a mall store from five years ago, or is Doug saying that a lack of Ten Commandments monuments in our public squares will cause us to become a third-world nation, like the deeply Catholic ones of central America? And why suddenly bring race into it? Is there any logic to this column, or was it just another macarena-dancing, mood ring-wearing, “I’m the king of the world”-shouting, Pop Rock-eating rant about who knows what? I suspect the latter — but hey, I could be wrong.


Comments: 19

The Mind Bomber

Well, s.z., you couldn’t possibly understand. Didn’t you hear Doug say we need conservative, committed Americans with cojones? It’s a manly thing, baby, so take your ovaries and skedaddle!

But seriously…I feel so sorry for this dork, trying so hard to prop up his lack of intelligence with his lack of humor. A truly Sisyphean task. Ooops…Camus was one of them godless types. Scratch that reference.

You know, Christianity began its existence as a doomsday cult, with passages in the Bible indicating that the first followers fully expected Jesus to come back any day now, definitely within their lifetimes. In 312 C.E., Constantine adopted the religion, and suddenly they were forced to adapt to being in charge, something that their otherworldly-obsessed, revenge-driven ancestors had only vaguely fantasized about. They’ve never been able to break away from that core part of their identity, that of the persecuted outsider, even though it requires ever-greater flights of imagination to portray themselves as such in America today. No matter what kind of power they have, it’s never enough to satisfy their paranoia. In addition, I think they’ve got some issues related to abandonment, seeing as how Jesus doesn’t seem to be coming back anytime soon.


The secularized Sopranos will come after you, my traditional, conservative, Christian buddy…

I don’t watch the Sopranos but I always thought of Mafiosi as being, you know, devout Catholics… but I suppose this is just a stereotype.

Anyone who does anything wicked must, by Doug’s definition, automatically be a non-believer.

By this logic, Christians bear no responsibility for the Spanish Inquisition or the KKK, which were the fault of us Wittle Wabbit secularists…


I think the baffling “Crack Night in the ferret hut” comment actually originates with Dennis Miller. So it’s not just Miller-inspired drivel, it’s Miller-plaigarizing drivel.


Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but Giles’ pop-culture references are more anachronistic and out-of-place than John Travolta trying to disco-dance his way through the Viper Room. Not to mention his Dennis-Miller-at-a-Promise-Keepers-rally snarkiness is the most forced and desperate shtick I’ve heard since Andy Dick tried to pick up Carmen Electra at the MTV Video Music Awards just to convince his friends he likes girls.

And this “ClashPoint” bit has got to go, OK, cha-cha?

Of course, that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.


Dammit! They’re using an offensive version of the Chewbacca Defense! ™Sadly,No! Greatest Hits


No no no the ClashPoint thing is magnificent.

?If as a nation we neglect the truth, contradict the truth or are careless with the truth then we have stumbled into a carelessness?

This is so Bush-esque. We’re carelessly stumbling into carelessness.

Circular logic in it’s purest form.


s.z. you RULE!

There is no snarkiness like your snarkiness.



“And it’s Mardi Gras in the Battle of Little Bighorn, kid. It’s “The Apprentice” in a blender, my sweet! It’s rugby in the Tilt-o-Whirl, ma petite chou!”

OMG, if there is an award for snarkiness you deserve it! I laughed myself silly when I read this.


And while the wabbit was pretty secular, was he ever actually scared? I mean, didn’t he win every round with Elmer, so what did he have to be scared of?

My Spear and Magic Helmet!

Kill da Wabbit, kill da wabbit, kill da waaaabit…


Let?s face it: we need committed, conservative Americans with cojones

stAnn Coulter literally has bigger or more of the danglies than anyone, according to her own bragging. Maybe he can look her up.

s.z, I think you should sponsor a reference drive for people to send the ones they’re no longer using to Doug. Sure, many will be more than slightly worn and be pilled over, mangled even, but the needy won’t mind. I mean, he’s struggling like En Vogue trying to fit into their little black dresses cause Rosie took all their low-fat yoghurt she later threw off … on crack.

Miss Authoritiva

There is a God. This I know because I don’t have to carpool with this guy.


“And it’s Mardi Gras in the Battle of Little Bighorn, kid.”

Mardi Gras in the Battle of Little Big Horn is perhaps the most entertaining mental picture I’ve ever had. Thank you.

“Take cover behind that giant head. I’ll cover you with these beads.”


Sounds like what he needs is a “wobot pest contwoller with an ewectwonic bwain.”


I can’t look at Dougie’s column without fond recollections of my sophomore year in high school, 1970, when we learned from the school paper we’d be paid a visit by (gasp!) an actual former hippie drug user who would explain to us the evils of his habits.

So this guy shows up to give a little speech in the gym, and later to talk to individual classes. He looks like a slightly smaller version of Bob “Bear” Hite, except he’s wearing an Arrow shirt and J-Prest slacks. And his speech is peppered with “Mans” and “Pads” and “Groovys”, and his tale of being a “Pusher” is straight out of Reefer Madness. Honest to god, he’s hanging around schoolyards and the first one’s free. His taste for grass leads to acid, and the obligatory bummers; he’s seein’ skulls an’ snakes an’ shit. And then he actually tried some horse, man, which led to his arrest.

A girl I knew (an obvious hippette) told me later that after he’d spoken to her class he offered to take her to his place to smoke some (dynamite, no doubt) weed. I didn’t pay her any mind until we learned a couple months later he’d been busted for having sex with two girls at another school.

Not, mind you, to suggest that Pastor Giles is up to anything nefarious. It’s just that his writing shows that it’s pretty easy to convince the fundies you’re “with it”.


Hey Doghouse, you sayin’ Pastor Giles is a narc?


Like Doghouse, I remember these guys: it was like a cottage industry of failed hipsters with enough of a handle on the “underground culture”– so help me, that’s what it was called– to fool the straights into paying them to give talks at the local high schools.

Most projected about as much street cred as Joe Friday hitting the Sunset Strip with a breezy “What’s happening, girls,” in the now-classic “blueboy” episode. Pretty high and far out, man!


For this cabal, there is no transcendent norm of right or wrong; there is only pleasure and pain. –Doug Giles

I understand from you that your natural disposition is too much inclined toward sexual passion. Follow your inclination as you will, provided only that you neither violate the laws, disturb well-established customs, harm any one of your neighbors, injure your own body, nor waste your possessions. That you be not checked by one or more of these provisos is impossible; for a man never gets any good from sexual passion, and he is fortunate if he does not receive harm. –Epicurus

It’s entirely possible to construct a sophisticated, and dare I say, ascetic ethics working with just pleasure and pain. Epicurus rocks!


It?s crack night in the ferret hut, baby!

Jeez, this guy needs to get with the times. What he should of said was “It’s crystal meth night in the python gazebo, my gay spouse!

John Lotts Calculator

Geri Halliwell??? A little bit further back and he is going to start arguing that Vanilla Ice is trying to destroy the American family.

what a loser. This is the kind of ‘man’ Ben Shapiro and Kyle Williams aspire to be…


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