The NewsMax Memorandum

As a special feature for Sadly, No! readers who might not get spam from NewsMax, I will share mine with you.

Today’s is titled:

Sean Hannity’s Crusade — Join It!

Yes, Sean is leading a crusade! And much like the Children’s Crusade of 1212, the Idiot’s Crusade will end in disaster and slavery.

But let’s open the email and see what it says:

NewsMax Magazine’s latest edition ? “Hannity’s Crusade” ? is just out and hitting homes and newsstands across the nation.

NewsMax once again scoops the rest of the media with an exclusive interview and profile with Sean Hannity written by Carl Limbacher Jr.

I’m sure it’s a lovely interview, chock o’ block with quotes from Sean about why we should buy his book, but I think we already know Sean well enough that we can predict what it contains without even buying the mag. Let’s see, won’t we?

In NewsMax’s “Hannity’s Crusade” you’ll find out:

Why Hannity decided to take off his gloves and equate liberalism with terrorism and despotism ? an act that shocked the media establishment.

Because the wingnuts would love it, and he’d sell more copies of his book; and everybody else would find it appalling, and the controversy would sell more copies of his book. So, in conclusion, he did it to sell copies of his book.

How some major politicos are already comparing Hannity to Ronald Reagan.

They’re saying, “That Sean Hannity guy is a bigger dummy than even Ronald Reagan

Why Hannity stands by Bush and even likens him to Winston Churchill.

See above.

What he says America’s appeasement activists have in common with Hitler and Stalin.

A love of musical theater.

Hannity’s real feelings about John Kerry, Howard Dean, Teddy Kennedy, Bill Clinton and Michael Moore.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that he doesn’t much care for them.

Why the top-rated star decided to place the blame for 9/11 on the Clinton administration.

Because Clinton is responsible for everything bad that’s happened in America for the past 50 years. Damn him and his penis of evil!!!

And how a grossly underreported scandal in the Senate prompted him to write his new best seller.

Everybody knows this one: somebody from the Republican side of SSCI stole a memo written by a Democratic staffer which proposed making political use of information demonstrating that the White House had misused intelligence to justify invading Iraq–you know, if it so happened that such information was obtained. This memo was leaked to Sean, who already had a book in the works, and who managed to mention this memo and how it proved that the Democrats were JEOPARADIZING NATIONAL SECURITY at every chance he got, in order to further his self-aggrandizing agenda.

So, the Sean Hannity Crusade. I feel stupider already.

But wait, there’s more!

As always, NewsMax Magazine has scores of additional articles, including

Dick Morris explains why John Kerry will likely pick Hillary as his VP running mate.

Because believing that Hillary will somehow be a participant in the 2003 Presidential race is Dick’s only reason for living.

An exclusive interview with CNBC star Dennis Miller on why he threw off the shackles of Hollywood’s liberalism to go conservative.

Because he realized that if he started playing to the conservative crowd, not being funny would no longer be a handicap.

New details of George Soros’ plot to topple President Bush ? and the amazing amount of money he plans to spend to destroy the president.

He plot is basically to donate money to liberal political groups, the fiend! He has contributed $15 million already, and has said that since Bush has over $150 million in his war chest, he may give another million or so to try and balance things out. Stop him before he donates again!

What you don’t know about John Kerry.

He’s the one who ate all the Frusen Gladje! He sometimes fails to floss. He hates cuddling by the fireplace, and long walks in the rain. He’s the one-armed man who killed Richard Kimble’s wife!

The CIA’s latest fiasco.

A plot to replace Castro’s shampoo with Nair goes horribly awry.

Sen. Zell Miller’s shocking remarks about his fellow Democrats.

“They don’t believe in the same things I do. They’re, like, LIBERAL or something. I blame Bill Clinton.”

Armstrong Williams’ interview with Lynne Cheney.

Armstrong: Lynne, don’t you think those homosexuals are disgusting!

Lynne: Armstrong, my daughter Mary is a lesbian.

Armstrong: Do you think she could set me up with a strapping gay man? You know, just for research?

Lynne: This interview is over!

A Bush Cabinet member’s dire warning about the U.N.

“It’s evil, I tells ya, EEEEEVILLLL!”

Warning: Sen. Hillary Clinton is winning over her GOP colleagues.

Yes, despite themselves, they find her likable and charming.

How the Patriot Act targets investors in gold.

By putting them on a list of “People’s Houses To Rob, Once We’ve Repealed The Second Amendment and Can Loot and Pillage Like We’ve Always Planned.”

How the NRA plans to sidestep the censorship of campaign finance “reform.”

By shooting everyone who tries to censor them.

The new news network seeking to become the next Fox News Channel.

The Weasel News Channel. Headed by Karl Rove, and with on-air talent to include Kathleen Parker, David Frum, Mark Steyn, and Mickey Kaus. And Jonah Goldberg with the weather.

ABC’s John Stossel exposes the media’s hostility toward conservatives.

“The media is hostile toward conservatives. Take the way they treat me, for instance. Nobody invites me to their birthday parties. They always choose me last when we’re picking volleyball teams. And they say I lack journalistic integrity just because I shave the truth, fudge the facts, and make stuff up. I hate them SO MUCH!”

And there’s much more.

Much, much more. So much more it will make your head hurt to just read the table of contents. So, play it safe and, when you’re at the newsstand, just pick up a copy of Playboy instead. Thank you.


Comments: 8


“Bill Clinton— penis of evil”

That has a nice ring to it, s.z. If I were you, I’d copyright it right away, just in case any Hollywood porn moguls are reading this blog.

In fact, you might even want to work it up to treatment level— this could be a whole new genre of sci-fi/porno drama, a Manichean showdown between the good Good Old Pricks of America triumphing over Clinton, the Penis of Evil, and his evil henchmen, the latter wearing the black jockstraps, of course…there are probably cameo roles in there someplace for both Ann and Amber…

Miss Authoritiva

I’m going to guess that (1) the “book” is set in fairly large print; (2) the “book” has fairly wide margins; (3) most of the sources cited in the “book” would be disallowed in a high-school term paper; and (4) the factchecker is the same person who factchecks Ann Coulter’s “books.” Just a guess.


It’s a Floorwax AND a Desert Topping!

Isn’t sand the usual “desert topping”? đŸ™‚


…except in Antarctica. Just to be pedantic.


I haven’t read anything that Sean whatshisface has written and I’m proud of it!
I feel ill just reading your review…


Hannity, the clock is at 14:59. Any last words?


i think you meant dessert, sweetie.


Damn! Once again my fimgers have betrayed me. Just for that, no supper tonight for them! And I’ll just change the title completely, to try to hide my shame.


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