Happy Swanksgiving

I‘m in a bad mood tonight, so I’m going to ruin everyone’s Thanksgiving by posting some Pastor Swank columns.

Hmmm, which one should I start with… hmmmm… ah! How about


By J. Grant Swank, Jr.

Talking Jesus dolls are back, per Chansin Bird of Religion News Service.

Marine’s Toys for Tots Christmas toy drive first said No to Jesus. Now they have made a U-turn for Jesus.

It’s a 12-inch talking Jesus doll that children will adore and Christian parents will delight in giving to their young.

“Gee, mommy, it’s funny that Talking Jesus only talks about the evils of gay marriage and the ACLU…”


The Toys for Tots Foundation put a frown face on the Jesus dolls when they were first handed to the Foundation. Just another slam against Jesus, right? Right. Not fair. Not smart. Not good judgment. After all, what has Jesus ever done to deserve being shelved?

That always amazes me: Why does the world hate Jesus so? For His 3-year public ministry, He healed the sick, raised the dead, fed the hungry, gave hope to the despairing, forgave the sins of the repentant, and promised that He someday would return with a reign of peace.

Now why would any of that ministry bring such hate over the centuries? Yet it has done just that.

However, Jesus, being smart, told His own that He would be hated and they would be hated, too. Therefore, it should come as no surprises in a spiritually damaged world that both God Himself and His grace children have to endure ridicule. That’s the way things are “down here.”

If Pastor Swank thinks he won’t have to endure ridicule in the afterlife, he’s sadly mistaken.

OK, let’s go onto our next wonderful Swank piece, called

By J. Grant Swank, Jr.

President Bush used evangelical concepts and terminology in speaking about his personal faith. That gave a tremendous boost to biblical believers who admired a President who embraced Christ as Savior, held to the Bible as divine revelation, and sought to live out the Holy Spirit’s guidance without proselytizing.

“In other words, I’m something of a chump.”

Now as an evangelical, I have the right to reason through the above. One question is this: If Mr. Bush prayed earnestly each day for divine guidance, how could such guidance frequencies get so utterly confusing?

What are you saying, Pastor, that you’re surprised God gave the Iraq war a big thumbs up? Or that when Bush asked Him for strategic advice, He replied that “Thou shalt show thine steely resolve and stayeth the course?”

I know that existence is fraught with complexities. None of us as Christians have a ready hot-wire to the God of the Bible. Those who do are either few or are suspect. I for one have no ready hot-wire to the God of the Bible. I have sought to live for Christ since a 7-year-old. I am now 67. It has been a spiritual journey of actual soul work.

I think Swank composed that last sentence by picking out random words from the titles of self-help books. I’m surprised it didn’t read, “The purpose-drive habits of highly-effective chicken soup” or something like that.

However, still I wonder how God speaking to Mr. Bush’s soul in the latter’s sincere quest for heaven’s directives came off so drastically off-center. This is especially so when Mr. Bush stated that a so-called religion, Islam, was one of “peace.” I can understand that at the beginning of Operation Iraqi Freedom, the politician Bush thought that to be reality. Many in the Western world held to that.

But with his being mentored by evangelical leaders nationwide, as well as his personal aides providing him with detailed data about Iraq, why did not he somehow come to realize the actual nature of Islam as a killing cult? Why did not he study — or have his aides study the minutia for him — the facts regarding Koran killing verses, Muslim barbaric customs endorsed by the Koran, and clerics’ role in Muslim culture? Why did not Mr. Bush realize that what he rushed into via Operation Iraqi Freedom was a society governed, not by politic, but solely by Islam — a so-called religion?

Y’know, I really hope God wasn’t giving Bush advice on the Iraq war. ‘Cause if He was, then He must really hate this country.

These crucial basics were ignored by Mr. Bush and aides.

It wouldn’t be the first time.

However, if Mr. Bush was in close contact with the God of the Bible as well as devotionally reading the Bible daily, I wonder why the Holy Spirit was not able to curb his naivete along the journey. Did not one evangelical mentor inform Mr. Bush concerning the reality of Islam, Koran, definition of Allah, and an Islamic theocracy? If they did not, they are also at fault — in a most significant, disappointing way.

Perhaps there were evangelical mentors who sidelined the above regarding Islam when conversing with Mr. Bush. I can imagine that could happen. There are evangelical leaders who themselves are not all that aware of Islamic facts. Sad, but true. However, it is difficult for me to conclude that God Himself did not seek to cross Mr. Bush’s path with Islamic facts via some evangelical tutor or material. But, taking into consideration life’s complexities, maybe there was no crossing of the paths.

“My son, in addition to the gays and the ACLU, thou shalt also hate the Muslims …”

Mr. Bush should have tackled the illegal problem with in-depth strategies based on morality, that is, the moral premise that that which is against the law cannot be tolerated.

Gee, does that include state-sponsored prayer in public schools, Pastor Swank?

Further, by Mr. Bush’s example, Muslim leaders who are not America-patriotic but Islam World Rule proponents were given the red carpet to one Washington DC office after another. They were treated in the mode of royalty. They were afforded the most courteous of audiences by our top elected officials. All the while, their workings “back home,” particularly via their web sites, were suspect by grassroots citizens, not just evangelicals.

The election day thumping Mr. Bush has had to live through will hopefully bring his personal spiritual life around to a genuinely evangelical, biblical understanding of “Christian.”

I.e., one who dislikes immigrants and Muslims, just like Jesus would have.

OK, let’s do one more

By J. Grant Swank, Jr.

Israel’s moralists will not tolerate a homosexual parade in the Holy Land. Thank God.

According to Richard Boudrezux of the Jerusalem Times, moralist Jews “pelted police with stones and setting cars afire in a crusade against a planned gay pride march through Jerusalem.”

So wait. Did Swank just come out in favor of pelting cops with rocks and burning cars to protest a gay parade? Is this the same man who recently said, “that which is against the law cannot be tolerated?”

Imagine! The Holy City being so desecrated by those who act out that which is abhorrent to the God of Scriptures. Yet of course the practicing homosexuals have already turned their backs on the Lord; consequently to act out their sin banners in public is a thrill dreamt of.

Hey, if it’s a choice between watching two dudes mack it or watching my car get torched, you bet your ass I’m picking the former.

Is it not interesting that homosexuals think sex all day long, all night long?

I dunno, Pastor Swank. You tell me.

They have to display their genitals in public, prance about, act out their physical fondling. The heterosexuals don’t stage sex parades in the boulevards.

I know. I sorta wish we did, though.

The heterosexual doesn’t force heterosexuality on the public market.

Hey, if some woman wants to force her heterosexuality on me, I’ll be the last to complain.

Yet homosexuals are so bound to their craze that they poke it in-your-face in every culture they inhabit.

Your face if you’re lucky.

They simply must be so selfish as to take over, shout and pout, demand and stomp — such childishness. If they truly honorably regarded their sexuality as they see it, they would at least adorn it with a veil of civility and the privacy defined by moral heterosexuals.

You mean like Paris Hilton and R. Kelly? Those sorts of heterosexuals?

I say to the homosexuals: If you are truly homosexually inclined, then you work that out with the Lord God. But don’t besmirch your choice by acting the part of a fool in public. Don’t stoop so low as to be barbaric in sexual display, dragging your own body created by God into the gutter for the world to review. If you persist in sinning against God and His divine revelation, at least commit your sin in private without having to foist your brashness on society. There is no need for your overzealous persistence.

“Unless you’re a lesbian, in which case I get to tape.”

Happy Swanksgiving, everyone!!!


Comments: 185


I wonder why the Holy Spirit was not able to curb his naivete along the journey. Did not one evangelical mentor inform Mr. Bush concerning the reality of Islam, Koran, definition of Allah, and an Islamic theocracy?

So even if the Big Guy couldn’t yell through the fog that is Bush’s thought process and let him know that Iraq isn’t such a good idea, well, surely some evangelicals must be able to!

Yet homosexuals are so bound to their craze that they poke it in-your-face in every culture they inhabit.

That line just resurrected the suspicion that Swank is a satirist. It’s just too perfect.


Has Pastor Swank been to Carnival in Rio or even watched a video?
How about Mardi Gras? Or any of the Fat Tuesday Celebrations world wide?

And all of this celebration for none other than to celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus Christ!

Unlike the homos, the heteros are dragging their body created by God into the gutter for the world to review in the name of God.


Happy Thanksgiving, Brad.

LA Confidential Pantload

Play that funky music, white boy……


Ah, a blue-eyed Jesus. Where do these pinheads think Judea was – Norway?


Interesting … a talking Jesus doll who looks strikingly like Val Kilmer.


At least JesusDoll’s hair is dark…ish.

Not Levant dark, granted, but at least this version of Jesus isn’t presented as a blue-eyed blonde with nice WASP-y features, which sooo many Protestants seem to think he was.

And, boy, is that one cheap-ass doll. All mold-formed plastic, even the hair.


Would that be the Doc Holliday Val Kilmer or the Chris Shiherlis Val Kilmer? ‘Cause either way, a Killer Jeezus with many weapons is a rockin concept…



I would say a Jim Morrison Val Kilmer. One that has definite appeal to the natural Ted Haggard constituency.

Karatist Preacher

I’m in a totally shitty mood as well…there’s even a new Carey Roberts column where he breaks out a bunch of numbers – not enjoyable.

F it all!


Dammit, Glinda, you’re right. Jeezus with boobs and acid!! My kinda jeezus….



“However, it is difficult for me to conclude that God Himself did not seek to cross Mr. Bush’s path with Islamic facts via some evangelical tutor”

Doesn’t he know how much W hates to see a fact cross his path? Hell, he just kicks those old stray facts right outta the way…


Mmmmm….. Jim Morrison Val Kilmer…….. mmmmmm……..

I bet Swank would freak if he knew his Jeesus doll was making me warmish.


I’m in a totally shitty mood as well

What is it with you people? Here, have a hit of this, T’Giving is tomorrow, four day weekends are cool, have a couple o’cocktails, get over your existential angst and Paaaahhhhh–Teeeeeeee….



What the hell kind of asshole religious leader refers to poor kids as “God’s grace children”, like it’s some kind of special favor? And what kind of asshole deity creates poor kids so pricks like Swank and the jackasses with the Jesus dolls can use them as props in their little morality plays?

There are few things lower than using poor kids at Christmas as the opportunity to donate some unwanted gift you know perfectly well Toys for Tots is going to turn down so you can make a big deal out of it and get donations for your own organization from people who know how to scream “political correctness” but not “manners”. It’s just goddamned meanspirited and cynical and exploitative. I hope they, and the weasels who are publicizing this crap, understand that there are a lot of *Christian* poor kids who won’t be getting any gifts this year either because these fuckwits have persuaded hordes of assholes not to give to Toys for Tots.

And of course, if Pastor Swank himself is anything, it’s meanspirited.


Hmmm … seems almost like a sales pitch …

“Acid — it puts boobs on the hunks you love.
Temporary relief from the Republican closet.”


Candy … I wish you a very warm Thanksgiving!



Oh, I see. Pardon my misunderstanding, Swank repulses me to where it’s difficult to actually diligently read his crap. Apparently, God’s grace children are his worshippers, and Swank is more or less ignoring the poor kids, ’cause, you know, fuck ’em, they’re just props.

I will note that I don’t hate Jesus, though he is not my god. But I hate a lot of the people who worship him. Mean people who play cynical PR games with kids in the hopes of getting to bitch about how persecuted they are.

And Mikey, I dunno. I wasn’t actually in a bad mood till I read this. I’m going to have to swear off Swank. I just can’t cope with his casual cruelty towards, apparently, everybody but Jesus. Man, if anybody was ever bucking for an undercover visit from Jesus to see how he treats people, it’s Swank.


Oh, what are you in a bad mood for?!!

It’s almost (ya never know when it’s coming) time for my mother’s annual “you’re an ungrateful slut, and we try and we try but you just kick us in the stomach.” meltdown. My sin that launched the last one? Getting jeans for my boys that dragged on the ground.

And we get that dysfunctional without drinking.

Sorry for over-sharing, this has been a public service message to reassure anyone feeling bad about not being with family.

Swank? Ever since I realized what Mrs. Swank’s visits back home to that small town in Canada were like, I feel like I’m blessed.

Karatist Preacher

I’ve got a hit of that, no shortage of cocktails and I truly appreciate my long work break and my friends….Happy Thanksgiving all.


Thanks, Glinda. If I could just find my Doors tape….




“It’s a 12-inch talking Jesus doll that children will adore and Christian parents will delight in giving to their young.”

I thought Toys for Tots was a program where poor kids were given toys because their parents couldn’t afford to give them toys. But this sounds like the Christian parents are gonna go ransacking through the donations and snap up the goodies to give their own kids so they don’t have to slap down the Mastercard at Walmart.

If the Christian parents delight so much in giving Jesus dolls to their kids, why dont’ they buy them themselves?


“And we get that dysfunctional without drinking.”

Jeez, what a shame. YOu should at least get the fringe benefits.


Heh. Happy holidays!!!!

College Freshman Kid has flown from his campus 3000 miles from home to his grandma’s house, which is a mere 1000 miles. Spouse and I are here. Our best friends and neighbors of 10 years, with whom we’ve spent the last 9 Thanksgivings, have moved to another city.

I drove around fucked-up Westside LA traffic today to grocery shop for the Magic Dinner tomorrow — reduced to being for 2 — and got more and more irritated. We came home and ate sandwiches for Wednesday night dinner.

Had a last minute invitation to join friends in Malibu for a potluck tomorrow; come just before sunset to watch the sun setting over the ocean. Bring – a bottle of wine.

We’re there.



I really don’t get why Jesus dolls for CHRISTMAS presents would cause one second of debate.


From CNN story: http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/11/14/toy.jesus.ap/index.html

“(Marine Reserve Toys for Tots spokesman) Grein questioned whether children would welcome a gift designed for religious instruction.
‘Kids want a gift for the holiday season that is fun,’ he said.”

This is the crux of the issue. Toys are supposed to be FUN. Otherwise, they are not toys. Duh…

Anyone remember the 8 pack of socks they got from their aunt or the sweaters Grandma sent every year that only got worn when she came over? Can you imagine the disappointment on a kid’s face opening a gift and seeing… a Jesus doll? (“What the hell is this? I asked for Legos, dammit!)

‘Cause either way, a Killer Jeezus with many weapons is a rockin concept… -mikey

Did you see the South Park Christmas episode a couple of years ago? In it, Jesus Christ, armed to the teeth like Rambo, slaughters Islamofascists by the dozens on a mission to rescue a kidnapped Santa. It was, indeed, rockin.

I think it should be required viewing for anyone who buys into the “South Park conservative” meme.

Of course, that was small potatoes to last year’s “Woodland Critter Christmas.” That had something to offend everyone, even me.

I can’t wait to see what they come up with this year.


Hmmm, where to start? How about

(1) it’s so creepy when people refer to “their young”. Are they preying mantises (manti?) or something?

(2) So Swank thinks where God steered Bush wrong was calling Islam a “religion of peace”? Really? THAT is what he got wrong?

(3) Now as an evangelical, I have the right to reason through the above. um, well, as a non-evangelical, I have the right to reason through use of my brain. Or maybe I just do that, and who cares whether you have a “right” to do so?

(4) consequently to act out their sin banners in public is a thrill dreamt of. Usually, people write tortured sentences to AVOID ending with a preposition.

And I’m done. Happy Thanksgiving Brad, hope you feel better.


Oof! D. Sidhe, the whole: “why are you in a…” was meant for Brad.

You & I are more in agreement than otherwise, and I just want to forget the self-pity part of the evening. So. Funny story?…………………………………………………………………………………………………

um, OK, I erased teh “funny” ’cause on second thought…it wasn’t. But you understood what I meant, right?

Can we talk about Val Kilmer now?


Ah yes, Jesus-dolls. Without them my observance of the Magic Elf King who lives at the North Pole would not be complete.

May you all have a Val Kilmer filled Thanksgiving.


annieangel said,

November 23, 2006 at 5:08

I really don’t get why Jesus dolls for CHRISTMAS presents would cause one second of debate.

Read the story I linked, Annie dear…

1. The US Marine Corps is not in the business of promoting Christianity, as their spokesman makes clear.

2. It’s not the existence of the dolls that is the story, the story is about the Marines’ refusal of them, AND it is the group’s whining about it.

3. The main point of giving TOYS to KIDS is so that the kids can have FUN with them.

How would you have reacted if your parents had given you this for Christmas when you were nine? (Since that was only 3 years ago, surely you recall it…?)




This thread is insane.


what is it that someone once said about the insane being able to just insanity….


just = judge **

** I am not going to even pretend that the preview button that others seem obsessed with would’ve helped me. I’m being honest, people.


The Preview Button helps those who help themselves.


I’m sending Toys for Tots five dozen Buddy Christ dolls, now.

Wow. Reading Swank talk about homonups is like reading the Jabberwocky.
Beware the jubjub bird.



So what do poor Jewish kids get for Hanukkah? Poor Muslim children for Eid?

And what’s a ‘dudududuh’? Some sort of extinct bird?


Jesus played bass, and the Swankster was a lead guitarist.
Always friction there.


Christmas has started transforming into a pan-religious, even secular holiday that everyone can enjoy. Giving presents in and of itself has nothing to do with Christ, neither do christman trees or popcorn chains. In Japan, a very much non-christian nation, Christmas is celebrated as more of a winters version of vVlentines Day. It’s moved on from it’s religious heritage among the global community; and though while there is no denying it’s importance to Christians, one must also recognize it’s non-religious reach and implications as well to fully understand what is the modern Christmas Celebration.
Also, Jesus dolls = suck toys, as some one mentioned before.




I can’t fix that. A hopeless cause.


Oy. I’m definitely with you on the bad mood thing. Just when you think your life sucks, something happens to show you how it can suck more.

Also, please resist the temptation to feed the resident twit. Remember the old joke about teaching a pig to sing? Same principle.


“None of us as Christians have a ready hot-wire to the God of the Bible. Those who do are either few or are suspect.”
I guess sixty years of bible study must have an effect on one. But to write two sentences like those takes more than an education, it takes instinct!


It’s a 12-inch talking Jesus doll that children will adore and Christian parents will delight in giving to their young.�

I have a 6 in ceramic figurine called Saint Peter because from the front he looks like a biblical dude with shoulder length brown hair and a long, flesh colored robe…. and from the back he looks like, well…… Someone gave him to me mum for Yule one year.

I hope I haven’t lost St Peter. He’s probably packed away in one of the boxes I brought back to Iowa from Washington and haven’t opened in four years. He was an excellent conversation, um, piece.


Yet of course the practicing homosexuals have already turned their backs on the Lord

Turned their back on the Lord, eh? And within a couple minutes, they’re yelling, “Oh Jesus!”

See you in hell, everybody!


St. Peter: the patron Saint of flashers and peepshow watchers?


The patron saint of stiff religious conviction…


Rigid in his outlook…

Okay, I’ll stop now.


Oh wow, now Christmas is not just a Christian holiday?

Give. Your. Head. A. Shake.


Christmas is a roman and earlier pagan festival.
Jesus wasn’t even born in the winter, according to the goddamned bible.
Like marriage, Xmas was neither invented by nor is the sole province of jebus humpers. Get off my lawn, you damn crazy cultists.


Nope. Solstace is a great time to celebrate the birth of the Light into the world. And CHRISTMAS is a CHRISTIAN holiday, like it or not. You should have to SUFFER without it, you hypocrite.

And the Romans WERE pagans.


Yep. Frustrates you and annoys the twit . . . .


Except it isn’t your favorite fictional character’s actual birthday.
It’d be like a trekkie celebrating Kirk’s birthday on the wrong day, get your fanboy facts straight.
The Romans ARE the real basis of your religion.


Ah, Annie, you never do disappoint.

Christmas is supposed to be in early spring, if I remember correctly. The Roman emperor Constantine moved Christmas to the 25th of December to coincide with Saturnalia, Yule, the feast of Sol Invictus and the winter solstice (the solstice actually being the reason for the season). Constantine was an interesting politician: though he is often said to have been Christian himself, he was a lifelong follower of the cult of Sol Invictus (a sun-worshipper, basically) and used Christianity as a crowd-control device–much as politicians have been using it ever since.

Ever notice, Annie, how many different religions seem to have a major holiday in late December? Ever think that it might have more significance than just Jesus, who is only sacred among one group?


And the Romans never had cool Talking Kris Kristofferson Dolls to give to Marines to give to poor kids to blow up with firecrackers. That’s why Christianity is superior.


And “pagan” specifically refers to rural believers in nature gods. You could, as they say, look it up. The Romans were highly civilized polytheists.


No they aren’t. You’re grasping now, sugarbum.

We convert however we can. We make no secret of that fact. It’s waaaaay easier to build a Church on top of a burned down pagan temple, if you get my drift, than it is to not burn down the temple and build the Church down river.


Annnd, another perfectly servicable S,N thread ruined by anniestupid. Hope you all have a lovely T’Giving. Outta here…



My post was to Brad.


Hey Doc, ever notice the sun? Do you think anyone before you might have noticed it??? Hmmmm????


i say we declare war on ch**stm*s early this year with a deluge of hand-crafted, big-anime-eyes, vibrating 12-inch kinsey dolls.


DocAmazing, you beat me to it, and put it better than I could have.

These idiotic cutists go about clucking their tounges and shaking their heads and teh funny is they don’t know anything about actual Biblical times. One should feel sorry for them, if only they didn’t try to shove the ignorant crap down other people’s throats and try to force it on my child in his science classes. This is the kind of person who burnt wise old women at the stake as ‘witches’ and tortured heretics. It’s not surprising that they are in favor of bombing, burning, and torture now. It is, indeed, their metier.

I celebrate Thanksgiving as a very pagan harvest ritual day. I love all the fall fire festivals. I certainly don’t celebrate anything about the bloody Puritans, mean spirited pricks that they were. They came here to escape religious persecution so they could start it up for themselves.

My pretty ones, eat lots of pie, drink good wine, enjoy either your company or your solitude. I’m thankful for Sadly,No!


Which is adapted from the somewhat more civilized roman tradition of incorporating some of the deities of conquered people into their pantheon, and erasing the ones who might be mistaken for the romans’ renamed greek deities.
Replace Zeus with Jehovah and you have christianity.
Jesus is just a second rate Heracles.


Best post ever, Candy. 🙂


Replace your ass with your face, and no one will know!


Um, yes. I believe that was my point. In fact, I basically came out and said that. Kudos for you reading skills.
Why would anyone suffer without Christmas? Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, crime rates skyrocket, including violent crimes, as does suicide, and people piling on to continuing dept.
Screw Halloween. Christmas is Satan’s Holiday.


Well, Constantine sure noticed it. So did the Egyptians–their lead god was Ra, and was depicted as a solar disc. Akhnaton was the pharaoh who gave us our first big monotheistic religion–that of Aton (with various spellings), which is probably what inspired the early Hebrews to ditch their own polytheism and go for the one-god concept that you still hang on to. The solar disc of Ra (or Aton, if you prefer monotheism, and I think you do, my little temple-burner) can today be seen as the halo of your favorite saint. I particularly like the one painted around the Little Baby Jesus’s head–it’s such a neat combination of pre-Christian images.


Posts like that are why the grown ups are right that i shouldn’t feed you, princess.


Hey, Mikey–if you’re still there–

You’re a Marine. Did they ever make you give out Talking Kris Kristofferson dolls to underprivileged kids?



And where do you think the solar disc of Ra, or Amon if you prefer, came from?

Brad’s ass? 😀


From the sun, of course.
We must have one, you know.


Wrong answer.

There is nothing new under the sun. Before everything, was God. God has always reached out to us in ways we can understand, we needed to grow in understanding before Jesus could come and make it all clear to us.

That is why the patterns are universal. To ignore that the pattern leads to it’s fulfillment in Christ is to stagnate. I pity people who can’t think properly.



Let’s not drag Beethoven into this.


You should know, Annie, you’re just a giant twat! And a twit. Twit Twat! That beats Princess as a nickname for you, Bimbette. (My apologies, Diff Brad.)

See how easy the name-calling game is? It’s not so easy to defend your indefensible, irrational convictions, is it? Or your obvious ignorance? You’re an imbecile of epic proportions, and on some level you know that. See, I just gave you credit for a modicum of intelligence, which is a fuckload more than you deserve.


But if the solar disc came out of my arse, then isn’t monotheism just one good, solid bowel movement that comes in different flavors?
Maybe god just meant for us to have Baskin and Robbins.


Candy, if you like, you may use a term which I, to my knowledge, coined; twunt. Definition: a twatty cunt.
Please note, princess, i’m not calling you that. You’re still my roughly third favorite wingnut.


Aaaand that’s why I am not a Christian, ladies and gentlemen.

Annie, my dear one, it’s nice to be able to quote from Ecclesiastes–I do it frequently myself–but to equate nice harmless sun-worshippers with crusade-arranging, inquisition-loving, witch-burning, aboriginal-slaughtering Christians is just mean. Those of us who are pantheists (and those atheists and polytheists in the crowd) don’t really have a lot of use for “fulfillment in Christ”. We do just fine with our own sets of beliefs, metaphysical or physical. Belief in The One True Way That Everybody Needs to Get On Board With leads to jihad, dear one. That’s why we pluralist types cringe when taxpayer-sponsored outfits like the Marines pass out religious trinkets like Talking Val Kilmer As Jim Morrison. The more political power Christianity–or any evangelical, conversion-oriented religion–has, the closer we are to pogroms.


I totally expect you to use the word cunt, Brad. Even better a variation on the word that you invented. It’s exactly the kind of word a sexist pig like you would use to describe a woman.


Poor Brad! The sun is like, hot, dude.

Reminds me of the old joke… man eats big meal of hot spicy food…. eats bowl of ice cream….. later wife hears him on the pot, and he’s saying, “Come onnnnn, ice cream….. c’mon, ice cream…….”

Twunt…. I dig it!


Different Brad–

Different flavors, but they all look like chocolate.

OK, I apologize for that one…


How about the name twuntie mcmeatcurtains, then, princess?
Thank you, i be here all zee veek.


It’s ok Doc. You have free will to worship trees if you like. But you are still going to Hell. I mean really, use the brain God gave you. Look at the patterns that you yourself brought up. Open your eyes.


It’s really funny when these Xtian women who believe in all the Good Wife crap start getting all feminist.

This is fun! I was going to call you a cunt, actually, but Twit Twat was nicely alliterative.

You know, Mikey’s right, we really shouldn’t indulge.


AND, I totally expected Candy to like the word “twunt.” 🙂 And to be all like, you know. 😉


It’s Xian, not Xtian. 😀


Bitch, I got your all like you know swinging.

The Smiley thing suits you, you’re so, like, all Wal-Mart.


No it’s Xtian, like,, you know, Xmas, ’cause we’re cutting Christ out of the deal.

Jeez you’re stupid. This is so not worth my time.


We convert however we can. We make no secret of that fact.

Shorter tweeny Annie: You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

On another note, has anyone here visited Annie’s blog before? Oh. My. God. It’s just as you would expect. It’s like a parody. Here is annieangel’s bio on herself:

Hi my name is Annie, I’m a 36 year old fitness professional and I love Jesus. Do you? Jesus loves you and He doesn’t want you to burn in Hell. Right now you are damned, unclean, your soul is a filthy rag and your future is doomed. Let Jesus into your heart and you will find eternal life. Drugs are not you. Booze is not you. Gambling is not you. Sexual perversion is not you. Your spirit is you and your spirit belongs to God. Free yourself from the chains of the corruption of the flesh through the flesh and blood of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. Amen and Have a Blessed Day!



She likes you Brad. Or Doc. Or Someguy. She’s putting on a show. 🙂


It’s Xian, Candy. 🙂 No “t.”


….. waiting for it…..


Ah, you are so predictable. You really don’t know when you’re being jerked around.


What are you waiting for? Me to educate you on the letter X?


I see patterns all over the place, Angel. I’ve studied some of the patterns inherent in biology, in physics–even in history. I studied Christianity quite a lot, too. I spent a great deal of time in catechism. learning Church doctrine and history from nuns and priests. The more I learned, the less I believed. I finally learned enough to realize that the Gospels are word-of-mouth retellings compiled many years–even centuries–after Christ’s death, and carefully edited by the Council of Nicaea. Subsequent Councils abstracted the things even further. Then I picked up a copy of the Nag Hammadi Library, and of the Dead Sea Scrolls, and studied Jewish history, and the glued-together nature of the edifice of the church (all of ’em, Orthodox and Catholic and Protestant) became clear.

So yeah, I’ve looked at the patterns, my little temple-burner. They’ve led me well away from churches generally.

And trees–really! I’m no Druid! If I were, I’d put a tree in my living room, and decorate it with odd trinkets!


Oh HONEY. You need to forget everything those nasty Papists did to you!!!

I’ve read the Nag Hammadi scrolls and I found alot of it to be unfreakingbelievable beautiful. I’ve also read most of the works of the early Fathers and find it very sad.

The Papists are evil. You don’t need any catechism to find God, you just need Jesus.

Petterns are cool, aren’t they?


It’s exactly the kind of word a sexist pig like you would use to describe a woman.

Please, tweeny annie, let’s hear your positions on women’s issues. Such as employment, benefits, contraception, abortion, civil rights, etc. I’d bet my last dollar you’re the biggest sexist against women here. Bible-thumpers unfailingly are. You’d probably remind me of a gay republican in that regard.


You know, my man is here beside me, laughing his ass off. I don’t have to troll web sites to find men.

I do apologize to the rest of you, I’m just so sick of this worthless thing driving so many of the good people away. Mikey, Jillian, D.Sidhe…. all fade away when this troll appears.

On a serious note, Annie,I’m curious: if you don’t like the people here, or the ideas, and as you obviously find the more serious political discussion threads tedious, why come here? You can’t seriously think you’re going to convert anyone?


Women and men should be equal under the law. If a women wants an abortion, she should be able to get one safely. Civil rights are good. Contraception for all who want it!! If a woman wants to take a job away from a man and ruin the family unit, it’s up to her.



I like the people here very much. 🙂


If people like this are going to be in heaven, then it wouldn’t be heaven, would it? It would be hell.

Oh, well, got to get up early in the morning, got a long drive ahead.

Again, Happy Pumpkin Pie day!


Dammit Candy, you mean i talked to a woman and it’s not going to get me laid, yet again?
Isn’t the interweb where the hot girlz want to chat all nite?


I was quite nice to you, Candy. I hope you feel better about yourself now that you have called me a bunch of names and stuff.

Sleep well.


No hot girls want to chat with you, ever.


You can’t seriously think you’re going to convert anyone?

But she does. Read her bio, her posts here, or her “blog”. She’s insane. In psychiatric circles it’s noted as ‘hyper-religiosity’ and I’ve seen it in more than a few charts of psych intensive care patients when I worked on such a locked unit a few years ago, and witnessed it up-close and personal. It’s associated with many different disorders, but its affect is usually the same: a socially debilitating obsession with religion.


Hi, Ted. Let’s be friends. 🙂


Diff Brad, I think you have to go to the Sit on My SpaceFace and Spin Book, or one of those similar sites. For what it’s worth, the Nice Princess is an idiot for not wanting to run away with you…. smart and funny and a bit of a wise-ass, what’s not to love?

Good night!


Angel, as always, you are a stitch. Read the book; didn’t see Jim Caveziel (or however he spells it) in the movie, but I doubt I missed much. I talked to Jesus this morning–his son Pablo isn’t feeling so hot, so I asked him to bring the li’l guy into the office. Didn’t enlighten me religiously, though. (Did give me an opportunity to do a throat swab. It wasn’t strep.)

I’ll keep looking for the patterns, dear one. Try not to burn any temples while i’m gone.

Now it’s rum and Dario Argento movies for the rest of the night. C ya.


It’s YOU she loves Brad!!!!!!


No princess, you’re mean and wrong.
Hot chix do want to chat with me.
And someday, I WILL see a naked female breast in person.

Nite Candy.


No you won’t, Brad. If you haven’t by now, even by accident, it’s never gonna happen.


Yer wrong.
I’m saving up to “rent” a “girlfriend” for the night.
With happy ending.


You’ll end up crying in the bathroom.


She will.
Wait, I mean what do you mean?


I bet you ten bucks Candy would let you see her boob if you got her drunk.


Isn’t gambling a sin?


I don’t think so. Just in case I’l donate the money to charity and then repent.


I bet you ten bucks Candy would let you see her boob if you got her drunk.

C’mon, Annie, we’ve seen your sexy legs, we want the boobs!


HEY! I put up pictures I took of freaking WHALES today. And I don’t mean Jillian and Candy!

But all you want is boobs boobs boobs.

Men are all pigs.


Oh come on!
MITHRAS is the reason for the season!
HE gets nailed to a tree & resurrected AND he has the red hat.


And with a bit of guilt for killing yet another thread for some of the heavyweight regulars, bedtime.


You do know how to kill a thread, Brad.


You bet we want boobs!

Remember Leviticus 16:14: “THE LORD YOUR GOD will smite the cockteases in your midst.”


If you want to see boobs, just ask your mother, like you usually do.


Come on ice cream, come on!

That is how this thread feels.


That’s how it feels now.


If you want to see boobs, just ask your mother, like you usually do.

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Seriously, though, my girlfriend is convinced that Annie is really Gavin.


No way. Gavin is way too lame to be me. I’m Bradrocket.

Gavin is Gary.


Then who is shoelimpy? Retardo?


Shoelimpy is Pinko Punko.


Annie, your site is unreadable. The flower background is nice and all, but it is damn near impossible to read the text.

But damn! Those legs are still hot! And I ain’t talkin’ bout those turkeys!


I’ve never heard that before Mark. Why so you find it hard to read the text?

I have the best legs on the internets, baby. Don’t you forget it.

It’s late and I’m going to bed but I hope you have a great Thanksgiving, Mark. And being the nice person I am, I’ll extend that wish to everyone.



Hey is there some special flare that -a different brad- could sent up to let us all know that he’s indulging in his dingey hobby?

F’reals, Is this gonna be like last year? When teh sickness creeps slowly in, ’til it’s no longer fun for anyone seen as “competition” to post. Which would be…anyone with tits, I guess. [Oh! no! It’s legs, my mistake]

I mean, 132 comments, I thought there was a discussion. Maybe if I were actually intimidated, it might be fun. But. It’s. Just. Boring.


Miss Emily: how right you are. AA is the threadkiller. Shoelimp is just the sidecar.

I gots news for y’all – pagans don’t celebrate Christmas. Winter Solstice? Absolutely – with a big bonfire. Druids don’t cut down trees and drag them into the house to decorate them – they believe those trees have spirits, see? Respect for nature, for all life.

Too bad AA doesn’t have some of those values…

And btw it was your papists that did the original “join up or die” bit on the pagans – they did indeed build thier churches on our sacred places. You’re so full of hate – you should be thanking them. They paved the way for the likes of you, and believe me they never imagined how fucked up that would turn out – the Protestants probably killed more “witches” in the UK than the Catholics did…and they also killed a fair few Catholics in the bargain.

Let’s face it – Christianity is NOT a religion of peace. Don’t believe it for a second.

P.S. I don’t hate Jesus – I just blame him for falling in with the wrong crowd-Yes, I’m looking at you Annie.


…I should clarify: when I say Protestants, I mean of course Protestant religions: Calvinists, Lutherans, etc. There’s plenty of blame to go around! Please don’t give me “but we’re soooooo much better than Catholics”. You’re all the same – you all have blood on your hands.


Anyone else have a sudden urge to link to Druid exection rituals? “But those were criminals!”



Fair enough, if you can prove that’s accurate. But let’s not pretend that the rest of the “conversion and persecution” didn’t happen, ‘kay? And I don’t recall many Christians being “converted” by the pagans (sorry, Romans don’t count here – I’m talking about the indigenous peoples that were conquered first by Romans and then by Christianity), as AA pointed out, by whatever means. Remember, most “witches” were probably midwives. And the other examples I give are simply Christians killing other Christians…oh yeah, in the name of God. Nice.

But, please, by all means find that link. And make sure it’s historically accurate – not written by a conquering Roman or a Christian – history is written by the winners, right? Or should I say their propogandists…



If you do link to Druid execution rituals (and they were pretty gnarly), be sure to link as well to Catholic autos-da-fe, Protestant witch-pressings, Orthodox pogroms (be sure to include that noted defender of the Christian faith, Vlad the Impaler, and the fun fun fun things he did to captured Turks) and the more recent doings of staunch Christians in the Balkans, both in the 1930s-40s and in the 1990s.

Let the gore flow. I spent last night watching Dario Argento movies, so I’m primed.


If I am a troll you are a ham sandwich, a super weird ham sandwich.

Smiling Mortician

*clears throat*

Hello? Good morning. Happy Thanksgiving. Is it safe now?


Yes, the pretend Druid has gone to fill her wickerman. WHEW!!!

Pinko, you’re a ham on RYE.


But truthfully, the Druids were one with nature. They understood the elements, which is why they would either drown you, strangle you or burn you. 😀

Smiling Mortician

Ah, fuck. Never mind.


…Right, and nobody got stoned to death in the golden oldie times in the Holy Land, now did they? I suppose they were wone with the elements as well…


Sorry Mort – Happy Thanksgiving. Hope you and yours have a great day!


At least the druids were creative.
The romans were creative, too.
Christians are just sadistic.


Christians feed the poor…..don’t see Druids doing that! How many hot meals are being given free to homeless people today by CHRISTIANS?

If you ever go hungry for whatever reason, I hope you’d starve before going to the only ones who are there to help you…..US!


I’ll bet there are plenty of neo-pagans who volunteer for charity.
How many children will be abused by priests n other Christians today?


a different brad: exactly right. See, the difference is that they don’t feel the need to advertise it…


How many women will get beat by their Husbands today when their team loses the footbal game??????????

I dont believe there are ANY Druid organizations feeding the poor and homeless today.


Well, it’s not like there are many druid organizations to begin with. Doesn’t mean they’re not as well represented at the soup kitchen, proportionally, as any other religion.
It’s only 65 in florida, princess. This annoys me.


It’s FREEZING here, candybum.

Christians are the overwhelming majority of those who help the poor and hungry, and you know it.


I only have one thing to say to AA: Ted Haggard


Yeah, well, I can’t turn on the hot tub until later.
Stop being so america centric, princess.
You think most charity in, say, India is run by christians?


Jesus was a leprechaun, dying on the cross
Remembering his Celtic roots
How did I ever get caught?

Jesus was a leprechaun, his name was Tidy Tom
He tried to have little fun
But my hands and my feet are so numb!

Jesus was a leprechaun, full of trickery
But he want a bit too far
And they made a martyr of me

Jesus was a leprechaun, a twinkle in his eye
Always smiling sweetly
But I never expected to die!


Ever hear of Mother Teresa, Brad? Hottubs are disgusting, they grow “biofilm” in the tubes and stuff. I saw it on tv and it was very gross, you can get sick, no matter how clean you think it is.

I have no idea what Teg Haggard has to do with anything, care to enlighten me, CG?


If you hate hot tubs you hate baby jebus.
Hot tubs are the next best thing to naked barely legal girls, and that is a fact.
Plus ours is part of a pool system so it has a better cleaning system than those little stand alone ones.


Christian hypocrisy has everything to do with this – scold everybody else’s behavior, do the same or worse yourself. All the while (before you get caught, that is) lord your beliefs over everybody else…

Hey aren’t you the one who is advocating that the scary brown people either get nuked (by us!) or be left to kill each other.

Some Christian you are. Hoo boy, sign me up for that religion!


Oh, and because one indian christian is famous worldwide that means only christian indians perform charitable acts?


I’m outta here dif brad – gotta go fill up my wickerman ya know… so many to kill, so little time!


Have fun impaling the babies on spikes. Remember not to use the heads, the bodies might tear off. Always center the spike properly in the middle of the chest.

Herr Doktor Bimler

Does anyone else have the urge to buy one of those Jesus dolls and install a motor inside, so that its head spins round and round while it talks backwards? Or is it just me?


…right, spike centered in the chest, not through the head. Check – I always seem to forget that! Hanx! L8r….


Would you rather, Cleticgirl, that I say the scary brown people be converted to Christianity? What do you want me to say? I mean, they have heard of Christ yet they pervert His message and so yes, they can blow ech other to Hell and I’ll be happy. It’s what they want to do, so either you don’t want to interfere and they kill each other, AMEN, or you WANT to interfere and take more troops over.

You need to think.


Guess it’s too hard. 🙂


AA’s first post came at 5:08. The last post, after destroying the thread by driving everyone away, cane in at 22:27. Question to you AA- why don’t you get a life and stop antagonizing people who you will never convert? Seventeen hours of just generally pissing off people just to piss them off? The consensus is right: you are a twunt.



For some reason, they weren’t blowing each other up in Iraq until we showed up in ’03. Do the math, angel.

Whoever posted the Snakefinger: I am forever in your debt. You rock.


The war on Thanksgiving came early this year. 🙁


Saddam ruled with an iron fist, are you suggesting we do the same?


Men are all pigs.

Well, everyone needs a hobby.

I’m actually completely mystified by Annie’s blog – what is it, Christian Porn?


Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!

I have a suggestion. Could everyone who is participating in the AA “What is Christmas all about” part of this thread put all your comments in bold, like this, so the rest of us can skip over them? Thanks. Or better yet, get a chat room.


Major Woody: I’m done, trust me.

Hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving – this is for you:



Thanks celticgirl, that was very funny, a nice holiday (oops, I mean Mithramas) laugh. I had never seen any of his stuff before, it’s quite good.


Say, not to re-rail the thread or anything, but didja notice in The Swankster’s columns that he refers to Bush incessantly as “Mr. Bush”?

even Master Swank doesn’t believe GWB is really President.

and I also like this: They have to display their genitals in public, prance about, act out their physical fondling. The heterosexuals don’t stage sex parades in the boulevards.

Somehow, Swank can manage to completely avoid seeing any tv shows, advertising, sporting events, pornspam, magazines, trade shows, or Tom Cruise’s insane public relations initiative.. Heteros do NOTHING but display their sexuality in the public arena.


I don’t understand. Doesn’t playing with dolls make you son teh gay? Does the Jesus doll cry every time a boy plays with him?

And does the doll come with a little minature crucifix and a wine bag filled with vinegar?

Smiling Mortician

TC, I don’t think Pastor Swank can actually see all of the hetero sexuality oozing around in his path because of all the gay genitals prancing and physically fondling. That stuff seems to suck up pretty much all of his attention.


Jesus is dead ringer for Val Kilmer.


I believe this thread has now looped itself.


Major Woody. What a joke. 🙂

I have a suggestion for idiots who come on threads that have 170 posts or more and make stoopid suggestions:

The thread is pretty much dead. If you demand 170 on topic posts, please go to Atrios.



That’s loser, annie.

Looser is what your pants are after you’ve partaken in the post-Thanksgiving diet plan.

If you’re going to snark, do it right for Vishnu’s sake.


Vishnu? I’m not a Hindu, and I doubt you are. Only Hindus are allowed call on Vishnu, and you can’t convert to being a Hindu. So tough luck on that one, Hindus are a racist, classist bunch of smelly fuckers who will open up your third eye with a 45 if you mock them, as you just did.

So go find some, and mock them face to face.

Herr Doktor Bimler

Hot tubs are the next best thing to naked barely legal girls, and that is a fact.
You poor deluded fool, a different brad. The next thing to naked barely legal girls — in the ideal world — is [own name goes here].


“This thread is insane.”

No sweet analannie, you are…


err, what do you mean it over…I JUST GOT STARTED DRINKING!


The fact is, Mother Teresa was Albanian.

It’s true, I just made it up.

AA puts the “um” in “tedium”.


[…] how relatively lucid and non-ravening this Thanksgiving column was in comparison to Swank’s yearly (and sometimes hourly) ouvre, we can only imagine that this […]


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