If Seb, the regular proprietor of this blog, wasn’t already in the hospital, the latest column by his dream girl, Amber Pawlik, would put him there. For it seems that Amber is in lust — with Elizabeth Taylor.

It all started when Amber was googling for the hot photo of Elizabeth in a white swimming suit from “A Place in the Sun” which Maureen Dowd says that John Kerry (and her brother Michael) “never got over.” Amber apparently wasn’t able to find that photo (possibly because John and Maureen’s brother were actually thinking of this one , which is from “Suddenly, Last Summer’). But Amber did find one that stirred some feelings — this one.

Amber explains:

It is a picture of Elizabeth Taylor sitting on top of the USS Los Angeles CA-135, of which she was made hostess (open up the picture, silly!). The picture is amazing: it undeniably strikes of a time when women were women, and popular actresses were unabashed supporters of our armed forces, which, unfortunately, is no longer the way it is today. [Sigh]

Yes, back then there was a studio system that required popular actresses to be supporters of our armed forces, motherhood, and apple pie, all while being sexually pure teetotalers — at least, for public consumption. Of course, behind the scene most of them were just as self-absorbed, shallow, screwed up, immoral, and addicted as the popular actresses we have today.

Let?s take in the marvel of the picture before getting to the evil, malevolent people who want to destroy such things as femininity, sexuality, and all-around fun.

Those evil, malevolent people known as … John Ashcroft’s Department of Justice! (Just of little joke — of course Amber is referring to feminists who are trying to turn women into lesbians.)

First, notice that although Elizabeth is almost completely covered ? she still undeniably exudes sexuality. In fact, I would venture to say: she exudes more sexuality than the whore ? oops, I mean ?actresses? and ?entertainers? of today. The difference between her and them is striking.

Yes, other than her nylon-clad legs, Elizabeth doesn’t reveal any skin in this photo. But what apparently makes it so hot to Amber is that Elizabeth is sitting on a turret gun, or canon, or whatever you call those 5-foot long, 24-inch diameter phallic symbols. And there are two more at attention in the background! So, I guess it’s not really Elizabeth who is getting Amber hot, it’s that big gun under Liz’s legs. Which would mean that Amber hasn’t really turned to the lure of Lesbos, she just likes really big . . . guns. Seb will be so relieved.

But, um, under the Amber theory that too much cock turns women into lesbians, isn’t Elizabeth in serious danger here?

Another thing that Taylor is oozing with is femininity.

Well, she is sitting demurely, he legs draped over the side of the gun, but you just know that at any minute she could straddle that gun and have the time of her life. I guess that’s what Amber means by femininity.

And that leads us to today’s lesson from Amber: that by encouraging men to get in touch with their feminine sides, feminists are trying to turn them gay so that women will find them unattractive, and will have to turn lesbian in frustration.

Femininity is intimately linked and exclusive to women and masculinity is intimately linked and exclusive to men. Femininity is the woman who embraces, loves and acts in accordance to her nature as a woman, and similarly masculinity is the man who embraces, loves, and acts in accordance to his nature as a man. Women cannot rationally be masculine and men cannot rationally be feminine. In fact, some conservatives will tell you that the word ?feminine? is not an adjective but a noun ? that ?feminine? is just another way to say ?woman,? and ditto but vice versa for ?masculine? ? thus further proving that femininity is exclusive to women and masculine to men.

Well, some stupid conservatives may tell you that, but the dictionary will insist that “feminine” is both a noun and an adjective (the same for “masculine”), thus proving that some conservatives are illiterate. The dictionary also tells us that one meaning of feminine is:

4 a : being an unstressed and usually hypermetric final syllable b : of rhyme : having an unstressed final syllable c : having the final chord occurring on a weak beat

While the dictionary entry for “masculine” includes:

3 a : having or occurring in a stressed final syllable b : having the final chord occurring on a strong beat
4 : of or forming the formal, active, or generative principle of the cosmos

I will leave it to the feminists to explain what this could indicate about deep-seated beliefs about femininity and masculinity, and to Amber to prove that the feminists are just saying this in order to (you guessed it) turn women into lesbians.

Those who insist that gender and sex are divorced; that men can be feminine or women can be masculine are assaulting sexuality ? specifically heterosexuality. Feminine men do not attract women and masculine women do not attract men. Just as they (feminists, socialists, and others) are assaulting masculinity in men, they are assaulting femininity in women. In the process, they are making women unattractive to men and men unattractive to women.

One of the ways that feminists try to turn women from femininity is to tell women that femininity equates to weakness. Not true. A human being?s main ?tool? in negotiating the world is the mind ? and women can still be completely and totally feminine (embrace their bodily nature as women) while remaining rational (embrace the mind).

But didn’t Amber tell us that if a girl “embraces her bodily nature” too much in her twenties, that nobody will marry her?

And, although I?m not one to defend Elizabeth Taylor, who has had like eight husbands, I saw her on TV once in such a way that gave evidence of a strong woman. I was watching a show about old time actors (I wanted to catch a glimpse of a young Paul Newman or a young Sean Connery ? [Sigh]). On the show, it showed someone asking Taylor, essentially, if, in the past two years of her (then) marriage, she felt she had matured any. If someone asked any modern day actress that, the answer would likely be an mind-numbing, emotional fest about their feelings, emotions, and the oh-so-dramatic battles they had faced in two years. But Taylor didn?t say that, she said: ?Of course I did. If I didn?t, that would make me retarded now wouldn?t it?? Ha! I loved it!!

Yes, you should always believe what stars tell us about what they’ve learned from their failed relationships. I’m sure Amber also loved this part of the newspaper story about Elizabeth’s time on the USS California — but since she somehow forgot to include it in her column, let me share it with you:

The popular MGM star, on loan to Paramount, is currently being seen with Montgomery Clift in the decidedly realistic “A Place In The Sun”. Rumors persist about her reconciliation with Nicky Hilton. Her brief, ill-fated marriage to him has given Elizabeth a maturity which should protect her against further romantic mistakes and heartbreak.

Yup, no more romantic mistakes for Elizabeth! Anyway, back to Amber for what we can learn from this dated cheesecake/battleship photo:

This sultry picture of Elizabeth Taylor reminds us of a great time that we can only hope our culture will return to: a time when completely sophisticated and rational women embraced their femininity, and were proud to be ?hostesses? of naval war ships … [Sigh]. It was a time when women were women.

Yes, if only we could return to the time when women could be “hostesses” (which, in the days of the Hayes code, could mean “prostitutes”) of naval war ships; a time when women embraced their femininity by sitting on large phallic symbols, and men embraced their masculinity by not sitting on the gun turrets. That would be so cool! [Swoon]