Sadly, TownHall Recaps

Michelle Malkin
Some posters at Democratic Underground said mean things about John Ashcroft’s pancreatitis, which proves that the typical Democrat is a vicious, hypocritical moron. John has been prosecuting Muslims, most of whom are guilty of something, and these jerks at DU aren’t even grateful. We should kill them.

It is not the incivility of the Ashcroft-haters that galls me. It is the unmitigated insipidity and apathy they display toward what this man and his department have done to protect their right to be free, safe and stupid.

Kathleen Parker

While Martha Stewart was guilty and is a bitch, we shouldn’t single out bitches for prosecution, because otherwise Kathleen could be next.

Moreover, and to her lasting discredit, it isn’t hard to dredge up personal testimonials of Martha abuse. In the history of unsympathetic characters, she has few peers such that whoever invented the word “schadenfreude” – the enjoyment of another’s troubles – must have been privy to the oracle’s predicting her birth.

Maggie Gallagher

We need same-sex schools, to prepare kids for same-sex marriages.

No, wait, what Maggie really means is that we need same-sex schools because feminists hate them. And because boys are not doing as well in school as girls — a phenomenon probably caused by all those African-Americans unwed mothers.

Why the gap? One likely reason is that boys and girls are affected differently by growing up in a fatherless home. The negative effects of fatherlessness on boys’ education achievement can be seen in the relative gender gap in college degrees in different ethnic groups. The gender gap in education tracks perfectly ethnic variations in rates of divorce and unmarried childbearing.

Brent Bozell

Many of the people objecting to Bush’s 9/11 ad don’t like Bush — will the elite media tell you this? No!

The media are at their most hypocritical when they suggest Bush is unfairly benefiting from 9-11 in his ads. But who has piled on the profits with hours and hours of specials, and newspaper and magazine special editions, devoted to 9-11? Because Bush has done a good enough job in preventing attacks on the homeland, the media can go back to profiting from the usual sludge on Martha Stewart and Kobe Bryant and Michael Jackson.

Jonah Goldberg

People are making a big fuss over the “Only Old People Vote” T-shirt, when there are lots of shirts that are much worse. Like this one:

I don’t know what the cool kids say to such self-important nonsense these days, but when I was in college we’d say, “Lighten up, Francis.” The shirt was ironic – just like roughly 90 percent of all humor for people under 35 today. Get over it.

Yeah, right — like the cool kids ever talked to Jonah.

Gary Aldrich

We can’t change Presidents, no matter how bad a job Bush is doing, because he’s the only thing keeping the boogie men from getting us. Besides, Bush is a Republican, and Republicans are basically John Wayne clones, in that they talk tough but never actually in fight wars themselves.

Years after the worst attack ever launched against America, we are without a single new assault on our homeland, because of this president?s leadership. Despite this level of success, some say it?s time for a change.

Why? Are we tired of being safe? Senator Kerry is soft of national defense, soft on intelligence agency funding and harsh on President Bush?s record. And yet, we seem secured from terrorists. It?s ludicrous to suggest we change presidents. Republicans have always distinguished themselves as being tough on crime, tough on foreign despots, and tough on our nation?s enemies. They aren?t exactly John Wayne clones, but close enough.

Kerry, on the other hand, could best be described as an Alan Alda-type.

Ben Shapiro

Kill some anti-Semites for Purim. It will be fun, and it will make God happy.

The real essence of Purim revolves around what happened after Esther changed Ahasuerus’ mind: Ahasuerus issued a decree allowing Jews to kill any anti-Semite seeking to destroy them, and the Jews did so. During a two-day period, Jews killed over 75,000 Jew haters throughout the Persian Empire, 800 in the capital city of Shushan alone.

Purim is not about dress up or drinking, noise making or gift giving. It is about recognizing that evil still exists and that God obligates mankind to obliterate it. When men act to stop evil in its tracks, God fights on their side, from the beaches of Normandy to the hills of Judea to the streets of Baghdad.

Thomas Sowell

The failure of affirmative action in Malaysia proves that ethnic Chinese people are just better than ethnic Malays. There is a lesson to America here somewhere. . .

Again, such semantic gymnastics attempt to evade the obvious: Some groups perform a lot better than others, whether in education or the economy and whether in Malaysia or elsewhere around the world.

Sowell has written a book called “Affirmative Action Around the World: An Empirical Study.” It’s about how affirmative action around the world doesn’t work. It lists for $28, but you can get it directly from Thomas for just $19.60 and a kidney.

So, TownHall. Making your town seem a lot saner in comparison.


Comments: 15


Well. That didn’t sit well with breakfast, except for the first commentator on Ashcroft using the verb “to gall”.

But the creepiest by far was Ben Shapiro. In his vast 20 years of wisdom, he comes up with this: God rarely works through overt miracles but rather through people. So the killing of the wicked is a Godly act. He cites Purim, where the emperor Ahasuerus says instead of killing Jews, kill Jew-haters. Then they found 75,000 of them and did just that. Two obvious questions: Shapiro admits God isn’t even mentioned in this episode, so how is Ahasuerus’ decree a divine act? And was due process followed in determining whether folks were irremedial Jew-haters and therefore needed to be exterminated?

Methinks Little Bennie needs to crack open the Ark of the Covenant and see whether there was an asterisk next to “Thou Shalt Not Kill”. And then he might want to review the motives and justifications of the Holocaust’s perpetrators.

I’m a practicing Buddhist who loathes the idea of religious justification for murder. In our tradition, I must admit, there are cases where it’s possible. But there are about 16 stringent conditions which must be met. These include having the ability to read another’s mind (literally–this is considered a minor accomplishment in Buddhist meditation) and know they are about to commit a heinous action, the prevention of which will spare them horrible karmic consequence. And one must be free of hatred, but rather imbued with pure compassion.

Now, this is not to say that Buddhists don’t try to stop negative behavior where they can (hence, my activity to remove Bush & Co. from power). But the idea is to train internally to approach any given situation with compassion and the wisdom of equanimity.

OK, sermon over, but Bennie’s got a lot to learn before he legitimately condones any more smiting.


s.z., thanks for this public service. I hope you wear hazmat gear and take strong anti-nausea measures when you wade through this toxic jungle.

Goldberg: when I was in college we’d say, “Lighten up, Francis.”

[::snort::] He’s probably referring to conversations between him and his mom.


RE: Gary Aldrich

Wait a minute, let me see if I can wrap my brain around this one.

Even though “the worst attack ever launched against America” happened with Bush in office, we should be grateful because a second attack hasn’t occurred while he’s been in office?

Please excuse me; I must go pick up the pieces of my leaking brain now.


“a phenomenon probably caused by all those African-Americans unwed mothers.”

Although you might find it fit to satirize Maggie’s column, it has a grain of truth.

A fatherless child is:
-More likely to be suspended or expelled from school, and attend fewer days’ worth of school and fewer years’ worth of school.

-Fatherless children score far lower on college entrance exams and are considerably more likely to be unemployed both in their teens and their early 20s.

According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, they are
32 times more likely to run away.
20 times more likely to spend time in prison.
20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders.
14 times more likely to commit rape.
10 times more likely to abuse drugs or alcohol.
9 times more likely to drop out of high school.
5 times more likely to commit suicide.

In fact, fatherlessness has a stronger correlation with all of these things than does either race or income. Just food for thought…


>>In fact, fatherlessness has a stronger correlation with all of these things than does either race or income. Just food for thought…

Which is another good reason we should allow gay marriage. Twice the fatherhood!


I kind of wonder who Gary Aldrich supported in 2000. At that time, there hadn’t been a major terrorist attack on American soil in six years, and there hadn’t been an attack by a foreign terrorist organization in eight. Using his own logic, he should have supported Gore over Bush. Hm.


Cool kids ? we? I can smell debate-nerd from here, Jonah. Everyone knows that, if a cool kid were to quote Stripes, he’d say, “Chicks dig me because I rarely wear underwear, and when I do it’s usually something exotic.”

The really scary part is that, to so many sallow, Gollum-esque NRO readers, Jonah is cool.


When I was an college, any time someone said, “Lighten up, Francis,” we’d say, “You know, science fiction is such a puerile genre,” and watch ’em go ballistic.


“Kerry, on the other hand, could best be described as an Alan Alda-type.”

Too true. Thinking about a wounded Kerry chasing down a rocket-equipped VC on a marshy riverbank so they could hold hands and dialogue about gender equality issues…I mean, it seemed cool at the time, but in retrospect, it’s just kind of embarrassing.

And despite the claims of Kerry’s “heroism” trumped up by men whose lives he saved, we have proof that Bush committed at least one irrefutable act of courage: During the initiation into Skull & Bones, you have to lie in a coffin and masterbate in front of the senior committee (probably the major reason Bush Twin Barbara was disappointed about recently being turned down for membership). Now I don’t know about you, but if it’s a choice between the fetid, Charlie-infested jungles of Viet Nam, and pulling a one-man circle jerk in the frat house, I think most of us would say “Saigon, Ho!” at the first opportunity.


Isn’t Kerry a member of Skull & Bones, too?


“Isn’t Kerry a member of Skull & Bones, too?”

First I’ve heard of it, but if so…he’s doubly courageous! And he can match the c.v. implicit in Bush campaign slogan:

“Bush 2004. Masturbator. Liberator.”


[Republicans] aren?t exactly John Wayne clones, but close enough.

You know, Gary Aldrich has a damn fine point here.

I just visited some John Wayne fan sites and read his bio carefully… would you believe that although he made dozens of war movies, the phoney bastard never actually served in the military?

Now, who does THAT remind you of?


I’m no knuckle dragger and not much in the macho department, but it has to be said: Republicans are a bunch of insufferable pussies.

Crying and whining and carrying on when anybody even looks at them sideways. Jesus Christ, can’t we wish a little innocent kharmic (or actual) pain and suffering on the evil Ashcroft without them bursting into tears? Or the ever inspired “Oh Oh follow the leader or we’ll all be lost!” when it was the GODDAMN LEADER WHO GOT US LOST IN THE FIRST PLACE.

The next Republican who says “you’re a liberal so you have to be nice to me” should get a spanking and sent to bed without their supper so we grownups can watch TV in peace and quiet after a long day making the world a better place to live in.


Shapiro and his shegetz brother little Kyle are such sad cases–so screwed-up at their ages.

With Shapiro, you can just hear his parents guilt-tripping him about enjoying the parties, the cookies, a chaste little drink, Esther’s naughty courtship. “No, Ben, Purim’s about evil. The other kids having fun? How disgusting!”


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