Lately, conservatives are hurling themselves onto the media fainting couch in droves over the smut they encounter daily, apart from their own of course. The FCC is vowing to crack down hard on obscenity and profanity smuttering up the public Republican airwaves, and shame on any of you who visualized buttocks when you read the word crack a second ago.

Naturally, the FCC is moving immediately and hard on a profanity uttered by Bono last year, though a recent f-bomb dropped on conservative Laura Ingraham’s show will skip through the airwaves unfettered by moral constraints long into the afterlife.

Veteran potty mouth Howard Stern suddenly became intolerable to radio network Clear Channel — a huge Bush/Cheney supporter — only after he started criticizing Emperor Preznit Screwup, “forcing” them to drop Stern’s program from several stations. (Stern’s usual trash was considered just fine when he was supporting the Miserable Failure.)

Everyone’s sick of Janet Jackson’s boob except conservatives, who are still debbil-seizing over it. (And hey, if the FCC inquisition also squeegees people’s minds clean of questions like, “Why can an investigation into the Preznit’s $200 billion hunt for non-existent WMDs wait till after the election but tweezing Irish rocker f-bombs out of mass culture need immediate attention?”) Now Disney is “disappearing” a statue of Mickey Mouse because it’s connected to the biggest danger facing society today, the 1/2 second flash of mocha titty that has harmed more retinas than the sloppin’ around culottes Marilyn Musgrave wears on weekends.

You can’t blame conservative sensitivity to breasts appearing outside an appropriate context such as beer sales or the toolbox lids of really good auto mechanics. Because they apparently hatch their young, conservatives might not be aware that a bare breast is the first thing most newborns see, owing to the species-wide practice of laying a newborn beside mama’s own.

This might explain why GOP-types like Attorney General John Ashcroft object when they see a degenerate slut like the Goddess of Justice* shake what her mama** gave her. Liberals like myself see her breast as representing the nurturing, restorative qualities that balance Justice’s harsher, punative side — no doubt that’s why we’re considered elitists and degenerates. Ashcroft of course disagrees. It’s tit-meat. The hooter from Hell. Beelzebub’s fun bag. The boner-maker. Burying the offensive Goddess behind heavy blue drapes not only prevents sleazy thoughts from forming in lawyers’ minds, at a cost of $8000 to the taxpayer, it’s a culture-sanitizing steal. (I think the DOJ covered the wrong boob, but I can barely look at Ashcroft without heaving.)

I have but one small request of conservatives. In the course of your squeegee work to erase all incidental booby, peepee, caca, woo-woo and ding-dong from mass culture, could you clean up your own act?

I speak of of your habit of continually mentioning dog-fucking while on mainstream media to complain that same-sex marriage is unwholesome. I didn’t encounter the bestiality references my entire lifetime as often as during the past few weeks, thanks to some filthy-minded conservative pundit or hypocrite like Marilyn Musgrave reliably befouling the airwaves with it.

Ordinary folks just don’t associate same-sex marriage with extra-species sex because we don’t, as conservatives apparently do, regard the gay members of humankind as sub-human. Please … think of the children! Tender young minds will understand Daddy’s Roommate and Heather Has Two Mommies … Rick Santorum’s Pooch-O-Rama just makes everyone cry until they get some milk and cookies and a hug (myself included).

The FCC moved on Bono and the Jackson tata after being pressured by the Parents Television Council. Though claiming to be nonpartisan, the group seems oddly uninterested in urging the FCC to clean up after filth-spewing conservatives like Laura Ingraham and dog-sex-obsessed Marilyn Musgrave. You can help balance the purge by using the PTC’s very own direct email form to the FCC. You can even insta-file an official complaint with the FCC seconds after you encounter filth on your airwaves with this other handy form. Do it for the children. (Sensing hundreds of new FCC complaints over my use of the phrase do it in the preceding sentence.)

* Picture from Bongo News
**Themis, the wise and graceful Goddess of Justice, is the daughter of Gaia, or Mother Earth.