Everybody Loves Doug

Yes, it’s time once again for that hit sitcom about a “a no-nonsense, God-fearing student of society with a special ability to jerk the slack out of slacking young people,” his wife Mary Margaret, and their two daughters, aged 14 and 12 (we will call the girls “Rebekkah” and “Brandine,” because we have more concerns about their privacy than their father seems to). Dad is a former drug dealer/burglar turned radio pastor who always seems to be having wacky adventure. Or maybe he’s just wacky. Last week he told us something about how Rebekkah’s school forced her watch a student-presentation about how it was okay to be gay; she also seemed to be hanging out with Bornean sailors.

In this week’s episode, a bully threatens to shoot Rebbekah’s ass, and the school doesn’t deport him or execute him or anything, which causes Doug to rail about the grave threat to national security caused by teens, and to devise a flow chart to show who’s responsible for young mass-murderers.

There’s a violent internal menace that has plagued our land since the close of the 20th century. You know who I?m talking about ? that radical and now unpredictable enemy ? our kids!

Yes, kids have only been violent since the late 1990’s –before that we never had a problem with the little dears.

Anyway, Doug blames al Qaeda for distracting us from the teen threat, which is just as serious as the menace posed by international terrorism.

America’s total concern about our nation-threatening external terrorist threat has shifted attention away from this grave and growing danger. It?s time to righteously divide our interests ? and face both crises head-on.

Isn?t it wild how quickly we?ve forgotten about Paducah, Kentucky; Jonesboro, Arkansas; Pearl, Mississippi; Springfield, Oregon and the apocalyptic disaster of Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado?

It?s just five short years ago when Mayberry RFDs, middle Americas, Anytown, USA became killing fields. And the culprits were not named Habib and Mohammed; they were kids with names like Hank and Mikey.

YOU probably thought these kids who shot up the schools were Iraqis working under orders from Saddam, or were in the pay of the commies, like in Ed Wood’s The Violent Years, but Doug is here to reveal the shocking (but little known) truth — these kids were Americans!

And I bet you didn’t know that one of the worst of these incidents took place in Mayberry RFD in 1998, when a freckle-faced lad named Opie (which sounds foreign, but really isn’t) took his Dad’s pistol of his desk drawer, and shot half the town. Gomer, Goober, Floyd, Clara, Howard Sprague: the list of victims goes on an on. When asked why he did it, young Opie said, “Because they were the stupidest people on Earth!” Experts from Mt. Pilot agreed, but Opie was still sentenced to an indeterminate sentence at a youth facility.

Look– I?m not Mr. Zippidy-Do-Dah. It?s clear that the world in which we live is not and will never be free from evil and that we will never live in an idyllic, Cleaver Wonderland. But what ought to be rattling our complacent cage is the boundary-breaking demographic from which evil has emerged.

In the past, the malevolent guy was a demented adult drifters who misinterpreted Beatles? songs, or a gay mailman posing as a clown, or a marginalized freak listening to the commands of black Labradors to kill lovers in their cars and store their body parts in the fridge. Forcibly, we adjusted our psyches to expect these sickos existence, but the tail end of the 20th century shifted that paradigm to include ?nice kids? from suburbia tanked up on Mountain Dew and Nietzsche.

In the past (which only extends back to 1970 or so), bad guys were Charles Manson or creepy serial killers. Sure, they were unpleasant, but we got used to them. And then, circa 1995, suburban kids began doing the killing! Of course, there had been “nice” young murderers before, such as Lizzy Borden, Caril Fugate, Leopold and Loeb, and Brenda Spence (who shot up an elementary school in 1979) — but since they didn’t drink Mountain Dew, they didn’t count. And there haven’t been any school shootings in America for the past few years. But we should still consider young spree killers to be a major danger to our nation — because a kid threatened Rebekkah. (Which may or may not have anything to do with Rebekkah not being okay with gayness, or witnessing the acts which would shame Bornean sailors.)

Anyway, here’s Doug’s “culpability flow chart,” which shows who’s to blame for the “slide into violence of our nation’s youth” (presumably, in order of ascending guilt):

4. “Rogue,” “sleepy,” “scurrilous,” “inept” public school teachers and administrators. They are first on the list because the kid who told Rebekkah he was going “pop a cap” in her “a**” was allowed back to school after a ten-day suspension. Doug said that the kid “has charges pending” against him, so presumably the police are still investigating — when they tell Doug that they don’t feel the case warrants an arrest, I imagine they will be on the flow chart too.

3. The entertainment industry.

The media is clearly blameworthy for our national rise in violent crime.

Of course it is.

2. I Accuse Their Parents

Parents: your obsessions over money, your mistress, your tan, and hanging out with your time-consuming-soap-opera-addicted-Jerry Springer-devotee-friends has helped create a moral black hole in your offspring?s head ? a hole that has been filled by Grand Theft Auto, Snoop Dog, Eminem and Larry Flynt.

1. And at the top of the list: bratty kids who react to mild slights by becoming mass murderers.

Wannabe-big-pimping-young-trouble-maker, your actions are principally your choice and thus your fault. In this postmodern land of Montel, blame is being passed around by the youth and their enabling counselors like a big doobie at a Molly Hatchet concert. Listen up, teenage wasteland. Whether mummy didn?t pay enough attention to you during your 1st grade gymnastics routine or if Simon Cowell just dusted you at the American Idol try-outs, nothing forces you to kill your friends at school during recess.

Yeah, kids frequently become spree killers because rap music and trashy TV makes it sound so cool.

Of course, case studies show that for spree killers in general, “The most significant influence on their outbursts appears to have been some form of mental illness. One-third had histories of violence and half had made threats. Most attacks were the result of a build-up over time of rage and the effects of depression, and more than half were able to purchase guns easily.”

Regarding school killers in specific: “Most preferred (and somehow acquired) semiautomatics. Almost half had shown some evidence of mental disturbance, including delusions and hallucinations.”

So, the combination of mentally ill kids and guns is a dangerous one. I’d suggest the solution to the grave threat posed by killer kids is: get mental health treatment for young people who appear to be having emotional problems, and do something about the ready availability of guns. But Doug has a different idea: Telling kids to “just say no to killing sprees,” and instead practice abstinence and responsibility. Um, okay.

My ClashPoint is this: Hey, rebel youth! You want to rebel? You really want to tick people off? You really want to go against the flow? Stem the tide? Why not rebel by getting a life, and then taking that life seriously? How about raging against the machine by being abstinent, by taking the role of your mind seriously, by taking good care of your body, by taking responsibility, by rejecting passivity and by leading courageously? That?ll hack people off. That?ll make you stand out like Dennis Rodman in a Japanese girls school. Yeah, that?s it. Blow off all goofy parents and bogus authority figures. Blow off bloated teachers. Spit on the entertainment industry and rebel towards character, faith and virtue. And you, my young James Dean, just might keep us from doing a national rewind to Columbine. That?s right: you can do it!

I know that if I were a teen who was planning on rebelling against authority by shooting a couple dozen of my classmates and then killing myself, Doug’s message would have stopped me in my tracks. Thanks, Doug!


Comments: 12


But Doug has a different idea: Telling kids to “just say no to killing sprees,” and instead practice abstinence and responsibility.

These right-wing folks have weird ideas of causation. Gun control is stupid and wrong, but if you tell kids not to screw, they won’t massacre their schoolmates! Very logical. Similarly, the way to “preserve the sanctity of marriage” (whatever exactly that means — it’s never specified) is not something direct like providing marital counseling, or outlawing divorce and adultery. (Actually, telling kids not to practice sexual abstinence before marriage would almost surely reduce the incidence of divorce, which is much higher in the Bible-belt states than in the hedonistic Northeast, where it is lowest. When kids marry at young ages because they figure they have to do so in order to get laid, they get divorced much more than those who wait until they have a clue to get married. But of course Doug isn’t going to argue for encouraging premarital sex. Again, too logical, and the Lord doesn’t like it to boot.) No, the way to “preserve the sanctity of marriage” is to stop gays from marrying. Huh?


Actually, in Colorado Springs, teens were rightly seen as evil and dangerous well before the late 90s. The year before I graduated high school, an old codger shot a teenager who had been tailgating him – he was found not guilty.

Of course, when I went to college in Iowa, those damn trusting Iowans didn’t follow me around in stores or shoot at me. It’s lucky I didn’t go on a mass murdering killing spree with freedom like that.

Of course, I was having a fair amount of sex at the time, and didn’t really have time to go find a semiautomatic weapon. I’m pretty sure that the vast majority of teenagers, if given a choice between a lot of sex and killing people would pick sex. That seems to be the ideal solution – just get everyone laid.


Ooooh. Japanese school girls are HOT!!!!! And now, I guess, dangerous too.


I’m pretty sure that the vast majority of teenagers, if given a choice between a lot of sex and killing people would pick sex. That seems to be the ideal solution – just get everyone laid.

Make love, not war!


Thats right, rage against the machine by joining it! Pay those taxes! Conformity is rebellion! War is Peace!


“Tanked up on Mountain Dew and Nietzsche”? Yes, Giles really nailed that cultural trend. Nietzsche is sweeping the nation, parents, and there’s nothing you can do about it! Seems like every single kid at the mall these days is walking around with a copy of “Thus Spake Zarathustra” tucked under his/her arm! Hell, I heard 50 Cent’s next album is going to be called “On the Genealogy of Morals”! The saddest thing is, when I looked back at my senior yearbook from 1995, a different person had written “Me-n-Friedrich 4-eva!!!” on nearly every page ? it’s been going on this whole time, and even though I was right in the middle of it, I had no idea!!!!

Isn’t it ironic that the conservative Bushies are all in a rush to put a man on Mars? Does anybody besides me think that maybe they should discover Earth first?


You know, I thought you were kidding about Doug’s checkered past until I clicked the link and saw Doug’s c.v.—

* Drug user and dealer as a teenager
* Burglary arrest, aged 16
* High School expulsion, aged 18
* College expulsion, aged 19

So Doug basically just wants to protect his daughters from holy terrors like his former self…

You know, I hate to say it, but maybe some of that ‘old-time religion’ IS actually good for young idiots like Doug and Dubya…at least, it helps them make it to the adult level of idiocy which they are truly capable of achieving.


I want to hear more about the gay mailman.


I want to hear more about the doobie and the Molly Hatchet concert (could you possibly make a more dated analogy?)


I shoulda gone to college in Iowa.


“I want to hear more about the doobie and the Molly Hatchet concert (could you possibly make a more dated analogy?)”

Reefer and Cab Calloway?


“…?nice kids? from suburbia tanked up on Mountain Dew and Nietzsche”?

well, jeez, at least they’re not doing Jolt Cola and Gramsci, or Surge and Bakunin.


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