Why Bush Will Win The Election If Homeschooled 15-Year-Olds Are Allowed to Decide Things
Sadly, No!’s other best friend, young Kyle “Pugsly” Williams, is now channeling the spirit of Criswell (“Remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future”), and making astounding psychic predictions:
I’m predicting that John Kerry is going to lose, and he’s definitely not going to lose by election 2000 margins. There are many reasons why we won’t see a President Kerry:
First, he’s not a very attractive guy.
Well, not attractive to Kyle, who goes more for the Rush Limbaugh type. But arguably more attractive THAN Kyle (and Kerry has at least graduated from high school, which most woman like in a man).
Furthermore, the guy is boring. As Peggy Noonan wrote, “When he speaks ? Mr. Kerry is boring.”
Well, if Peggy says it, it must be true. (We will refrain from mentioning the scientific finding that it takes one to know one.)
Kyle’s second reason that Bush will win is that Kerry has missed a lot of Senate votes this year, and before that, he voted for a lot of stuff over lots of years. Sometimes he even voted for things that, over time, have proven to be not-so-hot, like “No Child But Kyle Left Behind,” and so Kerry speaks out against them. Which to Kyle is a bad thing, because he feels that a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of a great President.
Point three is that Kerry “doesn’t campaign on any real issues” except that Bush sucks. Some may say that’s the only issue he needs, but they aren’t Kyle Williams, who wants a candidate who will outlaw gay marriage while wearing a form-fitting flight suit. Now THAT’s a real issue.
Fourth, the Kerry campaign offers no optimism. Instead of simply saying, “America has been doing well, but I think we can do better,” Kerry continually downplays our achievements and generally lies about the economy and unemployment ? it’s a very pessimistic view of life.
A doom and gloom, “sky is falling” attitude has never been accepted by Americans. We are an optimistic people.
Yes, Americans are an optimistic people who want to look for a pony in the wastes of the Bush Administration for four more years.
We are a cheerful, sunny-tempered, gullible people who walk around with our fingers in our ears signing “la la la, I can’t hear you” when people try to tell us about the economy, unemployment, the deficit, the overextended military, and the fact that we can’t save social security by mining for gold on Mars.
And because Americans don’t want to hear that the sky is falling, even if it fell on some of their fellow citizens and took away their jobs, they will vote for Bush. Well, the ones with that can-do attitude which comes from billions in the bank and a president who gives them tax cuts will vote for him.
Lastly, because of Kerry’s campaign being anti-Bush, they are overflowing with hate-filled rage against the GOP and the current president. The campaign offers no hope, no assurance of getting through these times; rather, they attack the president, blaming him for everything that has gone wrong since he took office.
Well, everything the president has DONE wrong since he took office.
And I’d say that the hope offered to those people overflowing with hate-filled rage is that if Kerry is elected, then Bush won’t be President anymore. And that’s certainly chunky chicken with rice soup for the soul during these trying times.
There are many reasons why we won’t see a President Kerry: First, he’s not a very attractive guy.
I swear, this kid is one Diana Ross tape away from becoming the next Andrew Sullivan.
Kerry continually downplays our achievements … it’s a very pessimistic view of life.
I’m sympathetic to the impulse of pretending this miserable goatfuck of an administration never happened — it’s the only way to get a good night’s sleep. In the daytime, I’d rather face the ugly truth and do whatever it takes to get my country back.
We are a cheerful, sunny-tempered, gullible people who walk around with our fingers in our ears signing “la la la, I can’t hear you” when people try to tell us about the economy, unemployment, the deficit, the overextended military, and the fact that we can’t save social security by mining for gold on Mars.
That seems a fair description of a large proportion of the population. Most of my neighbors in suburban Chicago were not amused at a party last night when I walked around wearing a “Stop Bush” button. And I’m sure most of these people are college graduates. Some people told me they were “keeping an open mind” and are still undecided how to vote. How anyone could even consider voting for that fucking moron is beyond me. (My daughter’s friend’s mother explained her indecision by stating that Bush is “strong on security.” “YEARRGGHH!,” as Dean would say.)
In the daytime, I’d rather face the ugly truth and do whatever it takes to get my country back.
Amen to that, Peanut.
“I’m predicting that John Kerry is going to lose, and he’s definitely not going to lose by election 2000 margins. There are many reasons why we won’t see a President Kerry…”
He left out electronic voting machines and the Supreme Court.
Can we please PLEEZ outsource Kyle to india?
Not his column. Him.
Peanut–How do you get a betting pool organized on the Internet?
E.g., “Pick the date you think Kyle will come out.” I figure his last year of college, assuming he’s not living at home.
Who will Kerry pick for his VP. Go to http://www.witnessreport.com and read the article.
Why is it that every time I see young Kyle’s picture, I have this urge to say, “Dangit, Bobby, get off the got-dang Internet and quit writin’ those got-dang conservative columns…”
Bobby Hill has a much better grip on reality than Kyle does.
Bush’s place in history is secured, that’s for sure– as the monumentally incompetent single-term supreme-court-appointed president who gave this country a “uniting” it won’t soon forget.
I guarantee it.
Well put, Chris. I just quoted you on my blog (click on “Frederick” below to see).
Chris, I was so taken with your quote that I also put you in the pantheon of quotes on the right of my blog (along with Edmund Burke, Theodore Roosevelt, Samuel Johnson, and George Orwell).
Kyle, all that is holding you back is the closet door.
Wow, thanks for the kind words, Frederick. Next stop, Bartlett’s!
No, no, no, no, NO. Kyle is not welcome on my team. It’s bad enough we have to fess up for Cohn, Roehm and assorted others, but this is going too far.
I see Kyle going a Derbyshire direction, writing endlessly about anal sex.
Kyle is the reason you need to be 18 to vote.
Well, looking at this post gave me a lot to think about. Mainly that George Bush WILL win the next election by a wide margian. He will win becuase of a few things.
A. Liberals who think that the American people are a bunch of morons, which they aren’t. That won’t go over too well.
B. They offer no solutions only things they promise but can’t deliver, and doom/gloom situations.
C. Kerry is a moron. Those of you who think Texas is a fringe state, have you ever been to Massachusetts, jeez get a clue.
D. He is an old fool who doesn’t know what the heck he’s talking about when it comes to defense or anything (anyone who ever voted against the patriot missles systems, or predator drone is an IDIOT!)
yes,
Bush is a fucking moron but so are the voting masses. How do you think he got elected to bigin with? The country did great for 8 solid years so we needed a change? Go figure.
If you go to http://www.witnessreport.com
you will see what I mean
Voting for president bush is going to take us all back to the 1950’s. Bush is going to eventually strip away reproductive rights,sex education, and don’t be surprised if Birth control is next, because supposedly he doesn’t like that either. Let’s not forget what his oil loving is going to do to our environment. Kerry on the other hand actually faught in a war, and spoke out against it, showing he’s not narrow minded like a lot of the brain washed idiots that wouldn’t question their government. You know the ones that eat freedom fries, and say we should give the statue of liberty back. The ones that think it’s a good idea to enforce one religion in our schools because God forbid we respected the fact we are not all christian and that is ok. I agree with the guy that said he can’t see why anyone would vote for Bush, unless your ready to live by the rules of the 700 club your not paying attention.
the fuckin question is why bush will win re elction, not why kerry is gonna lose dumbass
Democrats care more about being in the white house than the war on terror. John French Kerry was responsible for the big dig. If you don’t live in Massachusetts look it up. People think Clinton was great. Look at all the terror that happened while he was in office. Look it up. Its unreal how much happened during Clinton and he didn’t do crap. I admit voting for him in 1992 because I was mad at Bush Sr. for the tax problem. Then Clinton gets in their, and they go even higher! Weather democrats like it or not, plan on losing this election, just focus your energy on 2008, when its Jeb Bush vs. Hillary ”rhymes-with-rich” Clinton.
-Rob R.
Proud member of Bush 2004 and democrats for Bush.
I can’t see Kerry doing anything good for this country…Bush must win! We need to get tough!
The reason 911 happened is because Clinton cut a lot of funding from the CIA. That’s the truth my friend!
Vote for Bush 2004
Bush is going to lose.
He has been cought lying. Altering documents, Making backroom buisness deals out of the white house. He led a useless war on a country that never even threatened us: leaving hundreds of young American men and women dead.
If you can vote for that… well. you are stubborn and evil.
Bush is a great man, a first term president that in his first days in office America got dealt one of the biggest blows in history and he took the reigns like a leader.
He sure made my paycheck alot bigger and I am in the middle class. Bush bash all you want, but those of us that have opened our eyes and seen what has really happened and have a brain stand behind the man proudly.
Kerry will lose this election because hes a power hungry bs’er full of doom and gloom to try to frighten idiots into voting for him, sadly some will. But I have faith that most my fellow Americans see through the smoke screen he is laying and are not idiots. Ive seen results with Bush, with Kerry.. I see liberal hot air. lets stoop a bit lower and exploit Cheneys daughter…
Bush makes me proud, its refreshing to have a president that rather then getting a blow job in the oval office is doing his job and looking out for this great country and cares about it dearly!
4 more years.. wish it was 20 more…