Two-Minute Townhall


Hello, yeah, it’s been awhile. Not much, how ’bout you?

Shorter Michael Medved: John Kerry’s hateful remarks prove that Democrats are lying elitists who mock the things you like. Also, they are quite possibly homosexuals.

Shorter Henry Edmondson: I’m not so sure about this whole public education bureaucracy.

Shorter Jerry Newberry: Our troops are brave. I have met them.

Shorter Herman Cain: If the president’s liberal critics think they could do such a great job, then why don’t they – wait, can I start over?

Shorter Janice Shaw Crouse: My dad fought in World War II, so you should go vote.

Shorter Chuck Colson: Do your Christian duty next Tuesday and vote Republican, er, pro-life.

Shorter Rich Galen: Taking the long view, maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea if Congress were led for a bit by a woman from San Francisco.

Shorter Jonah Goldberg: Republican criticism of John Kerry’s remarks are most likely overblown and probably unfair, but I’ll play along anyway because it seems like fun and Kerry doesn’t.

Shorter Ruben Navarette Jr.: Is anyone interested in some dispelled myths about immigration? No?

Shorter Austin Bay: “Freedom of the press” are but a few lofty words to rally our troops in the field.

Shorter Paul Greenberg: War is hard, but it is also interesting to read about.

Shorter John Stossel: Can you believe the federal government pays people to look at the chickens we eat? Those birds aren’t even alive!

Shorter Walter Williams: Diversified port-what-ee-yo? Nope, can’t say that rings a bell.

Shorter Paul Weyrich: The possibility of Republican electoral losses nearly ruined my birthday this year.

Shorter Ben Shapiro: The Republican Party is overrun with liberal extremists – and the Democrats are even worse!

Shorter Kathleen Parker: Passage of the Missouri stem cell amendment would usher in a brave new world of for-profit human cloning and reverse eugenics.

Shorter Michelle Malkin: Could Democrats possibly hate the troops any more?

Shorter Terence Jeffrey: The Iraqi people must embrace democracy by choosing leaders to enforce American policies.

Shorter Maggie Gallagher: New Jersey’s Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage can only help Republicans, unless it helps Democrats.

Shorter Linda Chavez: If it weren’t for meddling activist judges, states would have granted gays same rights as the rest of us. Eventually.

Shorter William F. Buckley: Have I ever told you about the time I watched a Filipino stripper dice a banana with her vagina?

Shorter Brent Bozell III: Democrats are racist for airing political ads intended to appeal specifically to black voters.

Shorter Tony Blankley: If Democrats win, they’ll hand over Las Vegas casinos to Harry Reid, raise taxes on Red State residents, eliminate the military and mark Republicans for death.

Shorter Jacob Sullum: As a libertarian, I’m voting for gridlock.

Shorter Roger Schlesinger: Buying a house is a wiser investment than playing blackjack.

Shorter Horace Cooper: Democrats and their media allies act like they’ve already won the election, but the election isn’t until next week!

Shorter Mary Grabar: An adult choosing to undergo plastic surgery is the exact same thing as the forced genital mutilation of a child – and liberals promote both!

Shorter Jeff Emanuel: Contrary to media reports, Republicans will win if lots and lots of Republican voters vote, and vote Republican.


Comments: 36


The sad thing is that i’m sure those are 100% accurate summaries.


Tony Blankley has me totally sold on a straight Democratic ticket.


We could play “Hunt the Repub!” where we force them to wear comical outfits, and hunt them down with bolt-action rifles like dogs! Glee! A Kar98 in every pot!
Bonus points for pundits.


John Stossel is right. And Upton Sinclair’s “The Jungle” is great scifi.


Jacob Sullum walked into the wrong barbershop.


=>Thus she approved of Republicans becoming extinct, concluding her floor argument: “Republicans are a repulsive species and don’t deserve to live. In those few areas still habitated by Republican congressmen we should import large quantities of snail darters and Democratic Party operatives to hasten the GOP’s extermination.”


Medved is clearly lying about Kerry’s joke. He knows that Bush was its target. By writing that column he shows contempt for the readers of Townhall. Not that i blame him for that.


Kerry apologized for it. Await Drudge/Gary spin how THAT is bad for dems…

Just watched the vid of his joke (hadn’t seen what the fuss was about). That puppy was in flames on the runway, much less when he actually said it. It’s pretty obvious that he fucked it up and tried to wing it, I was expecting him to have actually said something malicious.
It’s like when Dean did his thing at the primary, and the way Matt from MacHall put it, you would have though he bit the head off a live chicken, the way the media hyped it.
Over-trumped non-story.


Shorter Michael Medved: I’ve really never stopped swiftboating John Kerry.


You almost got me to read the Buckley piece, but after Walter Williams “I got mine right here, Jack, so f.u.” turned out not to be how he follows Alito in having all his money in Altria (ne Philip “They used to make us pick it, now they want us to smoke it” Morris), I expect it will be a piece on the War of 1898.


So Ruben Navarette finally made it to TownHall, did he? It always seemed like he belonged there; it’s so nice he’s made it home.



John Puking Kerry has never stopped Swift-Boating John Puking Kerry —


Wow, ttyler5 with the Oscar Wilde-class wit.

That’s like poetry, man.


Travis, you should be in Africa tonight.
Nobody is badmouthing anybody (in public I mean) ; nobody is casting around desperately for the meanest insult they can find; nobody is making up shit about anybody else; there is no Halloween and there’s a warm wind blowing the stars around. Come south, young man.


Stossel is almost right. Just looking at the chickens won’t help us, but how does that equal “no government inspection”? I still want the government to make sure my chicken is safe, moustash boy!


Shorter Tony Blankley: If Democrats win, they’ll hand over Las Vegas casinos to Harry Reid, raise taxes on Red State residents, eliminate the military and mark Republicans for death.

Ooh, I can’t wait. But if we eat the corpses I want to make sure someone’s inspecting them.


I thought you were KIDDING about the Buckley piece.


Am I the only one old enough to catch the England Dan / John Ford Coley reference, or am I the only one who thought it was worth noting? Or both?


Santorum (R-PA) returns, he would like to be in a leadership position. Some in the Santorum camp believe this would be a great platform from which he could run for President. My advice would be just the opposite. First, the last time a Senator was elected President was 46 years ago. I pray that Santorum wins reelection. Either way, the new leadership in the Senate may be more aggressive.

Wait, wait, what’s the second reason Santorum shouldn’t run for President?! Damn you, Weyrich, and your suspenseful prose!


Am I the only one old enough to catch the England Dan reference…

Any relation to Steely Dan? 🙂


ttyler5: If you could swift-boat yourself, you’d probably never leave the house.


My dad did labwork for the USDA for many years, and the stories he can tell about stuff they found in meat would curl Stossel’s moustachios. Google usda pesticide recall for a small sample.


What am I? Chopped liver?


Goddamn it Travis, you made me read Kathleen Parker again.

While the amendment would ban that procedure, it would allow “somatic cell nuclear transfer,” which is the widely accepted scientific definition of “cloning.”

Whether one clones an embryo for birth, or clones an embryo for research, a clone is a clone is a clone.

That fucking stupid cow doesn’t even know the difference between a cell and an embryo. And she’s a shameless liar on top of it.

These people ALL need to be forced to retake high school biology. And not in a class taught by some fucking IDiot, either.

I’m almost angry enough to be really cruel and say they should be forced to take a first year developmental biology class taught by PZ Myers, but their pointy heads would probably explode. They’d probably rather go to prison, and I wouldn’t have a problem with that either, because this is just about criminal ignorance.

They fucking WANT the citizens of this country to be ignorant yahoos, because it’s the only way they can retain power.

I hate these people. They are evil, and I will fight them until I die.

No snark, just fact.


I am so down with shorter Tony Blankley.


Dear Fellow Bassett lover and Daddy of L&T Casey:

Thanks for reading these nutbags so I don’t have to:

Shorter casual conservative Fox News and/or blog reader: Is Kerry running for something this year?


If John Kerry saved somebody from a burning building, the Repugs (aided and abetted by the SCLM) would say “John Kerry thinks that our brave firemen aren’t doing their jobs! Why does John Kerry hate fireman?”

If it turned out that George W. Bush started the fire in a drunken stupor, the meme would be “Brave president puts a stop to secert terrorist cell, saves millions of American lives!”

If the Repugs have any arguments or ideas that have any substance, that are not based on logical fallacies or lame rationalizations or crude and transparent distortions, they should start using them soon. The election is only a few days away, guys!


I thought you were KIDDING about the Buckley piece.

Wow, the yawning abyss that I *almost* stepped into…

…No, no, that’s not what I meant. When I mean *that*, you’ll know it.


I thought you were KIDDING about the Buckley piece.

Better a Filipina stripper with a banana than a Filipina blogger with ping-pong balls…


Here’s Buckley:

More generally, the novelist writes to explore the human being…In order to illustrate these human drives it is required that authors explore manifestations of sexual interest…Now these disclaimers do not excuse violations of taste.

Unless you’re a Democrat. Then you’re just another heathen member of the Party of Sex and Death.

Smiling Mortician

If the Repugs have any arguments or ideas that have any substance, that are not based on logical fallacies or lame rationalizations or crude and transparent distortions, they should start using them soon.

Well, they don’t, of course. But for the sake of argument, let’s pretend they do. Why should they start using valid arguments when all the electoral evidence of the past several cycles tells them that the alternative works pretty well?


Sigh. England Dan & John Ford Cooley, I thought I was being really subtle and suave writing about a warm wind blowing the stars around. Possibly too much so?Subtle & Suave don’t really get much play on this here blog, I reckon. Good band, too.


“A baloo is a bear…”

Reading this is always enjoyable, though often infuriating (inasmuch as I contemplate these authors’ work).

The Captain and Tenille

Subtle & Suave don’t really get much play on this here blog

We think we’re offended, but we’re not really sure . . .


If Democrats win, they’ll hand over Las Vegas casinos to Harry Reid, raise taxes on Red State residents, eliminate the military and mark Republicans for death

If I had know that, I would have voted absentee more than twice!


Man, don’t even get me started on the kerry “gaffe!” All week, I had nothing to go by except the 24/7 cable “news” channels (OK, I watched CNN, and they were terrible! you can only imagine how awful Fux was) and the network “news,” and they were even worse than CNN! I was going nuts as they all endlessly repeated Repiglican talking points and making histrionic headlines like, “Will Kerry Drag Down Democratic Ticket?” At least they said, “Democratic.” It was beyond ridiculous, it was a true non-story, yet every newscast treated it like it was the End Of Teh World!!1!!1 The exception, seemingly, was Olberman (as usual!), and I have to track down his rant where he shellacks the person who really deserves it; Dumbya. Man, it’s good to have access to teh interwebs again, and to semi-like-minded people!


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