Oh My
Just in time for the midterm elections, Carey “Git-Off-My-Lawn!” Roberts unleashes this gem of a column:
Cleavage candidates and the politics of gender
Carey Roberts
October 31, 2006This headline crossed my desk last week: “Gubernatorial Hopeful Flashes for Cash!” Below that exclamatory remark appeared a sketch of well-endowed blond, her hands clutching the front of a low-cut jacket.
“Them was the first boobies I’d seen since I was 54 years old, back in nineteen ought four.”
This cheap thrill did not grace the pages of a recent issue of Playboy magazine, nor was it the come-on for a back-alley peep show.
Though you get the feeling he wishes it was…
No, this was the official campaign literature of one Loretta Nall, libertarian candidate for the governorship of Alabama.
And three months ago Hillary Clinton appeared on C-SPAN, this time with her formidable cleavage peering through her tailored blue dress.
Men, raise your hands: do you think Hillary really has “formidable” cleavage? Nah, me neither. ‘Course, when you haven’t seen a woman’s breasts since before World War I, you probably start to think they all look big…
Whether these ladies’ natural assets put them over the top in Tuesday’s elections, we will soon find out. And clearly, women are leaving their imprint on the modern political scene. That impact can be explained in two words: psychology and demography.
It’s no doubt true that men and women look for different things in a candidate. Columnist Allison Brown laid out the psychology this way:
“Women prefer to attach themselves to the problems they want to solve. Men operate best while maintaining a certain level of detachment, and analyze problems based on rules, on thoughts as opposed to feelings . . . In truth, women are natural socialists. . . . Men, to put it simply, are more independent in thought and action.” [www.lewrockwell.com/orig4/brown6.html]
So on July 7, 2004, presidential candidate John Kerry bragged that his team had “better vision, better ideas” and just as importantly, “we’ve got better hair.” Somehow I doubt that hairdo pitch was aimed at the nation’s male electorate.
And I doubt Hillary’s cleavage was aimed at the non-lesbian female electorate, C-Rob. What’s your point?
Then there’s the old saying about women who can’t make up their minds. At one point in the 2004 election, women favored Kerry with a 17% point lead. Two just months later that reversed itself, with Bush enjoying a double-digit advantage among the female electorate.
And other women remained undecided until the very last minute, making them highly-courted “swing” voters. Women may have trouble making up their minds because they don’t understand the issues.
Man, he’s not even trying to disguise his hatred of women anymore, is he?
Columnist Debbie Schlussel reports that the University of Pennsylvania Annenberg Public Policy Center has found men are consistently more knowledgeable than women about candidates’ positions on a broad range of topics such as taxes and gun control. Even on so-called “women’s issues” such as education and healthcare, men hold the edge.
Well, Carey, I’ve gotta hand it to you: if you wanted to argue that women are totally fucking stupid, you couldn’t have picked better evidence than Debbie Schlussel.
In the past, politicos who wanted to salvage a faltering campaign would carry their demagoguery to low-income minorities. Now, it seems women who haven’t studied up on the issues are being targeted for the pandering.
Shorter Carey Roberts: bitches and niggers are ruining our democracy.
The demographic profile of the American electorate is even more revealing than Hillary’s latest low-cut pantsuit.
Men die, on average, at the age of 75, while women live to the ripe old age of 80. That means there are 5.3 million more women than men in the United States. In every state except one — Alaska — the female electorate outnumbers the men. So it comes as no surprise that Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska has long been a strong advocate for prostate cancer research.
In the 2004 presidential race, it was men who handed George W. Bush his margin of victory. That year 55% of males voted for the Republicans, while 48% of females gave the nod to Bush.
But pollsters pay far more attention to another statistic — men represented only 46% of the total electorate that year.
OMG, OMG, OMG!! THE WOMEN ARE OUTBREEDING US!!! MEN, WE’VE GOT TO GET TOGETHER AND HAVE LOTS OF SE… uh, scratch that.
As a result, vote-hungry candidates increasingly pitch their message to females. And the political discourse becomes increasingly trivialized — remember when 17-year-old Laetitia Thompson asked President Bill Clinton whether he wore boxers or briefs?
Remember when George Bush faked playing a guitar while people in New Orleans drowned?
And fewer men vote. So pols are even less likely to listen to men’s concerns. It’s an ever-worsening cycle that marginalizes men and is bound to ultimately undermine America’s economic, moral, and social fiber.
But there is a solution, and it doesn’t require a million-dollar federal program, either. LISTEN UP, GENTS. It’s your duty to get out on November 7. Vote for the candidate of your choice, but be sure to vote.
I will. And I’m gonna vote for the all the most left-wing, man-hating hell bitches on the ballot. Or for any chick who shows me her boobs. I’m not picky.
Blue dress!
So on July 7, 2004, presidential candidate John Kerry bragged that his team had “better vision, better ideas� and just as importantly, “we’ve got better hair.�
Uh, the only person who thinks that the “we’ve got better hair” was a central part of Kerry’s Campaign Strategy, is you, Carey. Us normal people would recognize it as a joke rather than some dastardly plan to trick those less politically edumukated females into voting for him.
Ahhhh, now it all makes sense.
He was saying, “Listen up, Gent“.
Home of the D-Cup!
even more revealing than Hillary’s latest low-cut pantsuit
Is he worried about Hillary’s boobs or her ass-crack?
I’m going to be totally grossed out if he starts talking about her camel toe next.
America, the only so-called civilized country in the west where people are threatened by breasts. Carey, do us a favor and bang your mangy old head into your keyboard until the loose parts pop into place and the synapses start firing.
Imagine: Pastor Swank, Carey, Coach Dave, and Gary Ruppert in a room together, um, eating spaghetti. Gary would be the smartest guy in the room! And by far the best writer. (There’s a joke in there somewhere… maybe starting with, “four guys walk into a pasta bar…”)
I think Carey was choking on some hard candy when Hillary appeared on the screen, and he found himself having strange feelings…
His bio on that site is great, by the way.
Shorter Carey Roberts,
“Hey you girls get off my lawn!”
From that bio recommended by Karatist Preacher:
Like this one, for example. Or not.
2000 years old and still has unresolved mommy issues.
Sad, really.
His bio says he watches soccer. What a sissy!
Oh, Carey.
Yes, I’m sure that that libertarian candidate is going to be the next governor of Alabama, boobs or no.
This headline crossed my desk last week: “Gubernatorial Hopeful Flashes for Cash!�
I like the passive voice here that kinda paints a picture of Carey busily typing away on his next column when one of his many assistants comes running in with a newpaper clipping saying as he catches his breath “You’re not gonna believe this one”, when the actual truth is that Carey probably came across this story when he googled “Libertarian tits -Boortz”.
I want to hang out with him and Pastor Swank on South Padre Island next Spring Break. We’ll discuss cleavage, back-sliding, and Norman Rockwell paintings until the cows come home or at least 7:30 p.m. when it’s time for oatmeal and bed.
Ahem!
This image crossed Carey’s TV screen while he was watching soccer.
“back-alley peep show”???
As a resident of New Orleans and sometime historian of its entertainment industry, I can say with authority that the local “peep shows” have not been hiding out in back alleys since at least 1947. They’re right there on Bourbon Street. Of course, only those in the know understand what really goes on inside these places, as they are hidden behind signs using such clever code-phrases as “Live Sex Acts!!!! Men And Women!!!!”
Poor Carey needs to get out more.
I still can’t comprehend how many issues this guy has with women.
Hillary’s “formidable cleavage”?
“If you don’t accept my national health care plan, I will release the Cleavage of Formidableness, and you will be doomed. Aroused, but doomed. Bwahahahahahah!!
“And fewer men vote. So pols are even less likely to listen to men’s concerns. It’s an ever-worsening cycle that marginalizes men and is bound to ultimately undermine America’s economic, moral, and social fiber”
Hmmm. Everthing will go to shit cause of the bitchz.
2000 years old and still has unresolved mummy issues.
Fixed.
remember when 17-year-old Laetitia Thompson asked President Bill Clinton whether he wore boxers or briefs?
Pardon me while I spit-take.
Tisha was a friend of mine in high school. It still boggles me that people talk about that, even making it one of Mtv’s most pivotal moments, or whatever. Now I have some sort of Internet-underwear-wingnut-six-degrees-of-the-Clenis with Carey Roberts. Truly, the strange forces are aligning.
I need to go wash.
remember when 67 year-old G.Gordon Liddy’s tongue fell to the floor as he talked about G.W. Bush’s flightsuit “package”?
Hillary has tits?
Wow. There are, what, ten congresswomen total, and he’s worried that teh chicx0rs are taking everything over with their ovaries and tampons.
Why he can’ tjust admit it to himself that he wishes he was born a woman, i’ll never know.
Oh my God!!!
I must have been blind those last decades! Or brain-washed.
To think I never made the connection between the “formidable cleavages” of Margaret Thatcher (Great Britain) and Angela Merkel (Germany) and their rise to the top political office in their countries!
It is clear that the males in those two countries were just hypnotized by the “cleavages” and the females just followed the lead of their men since they didn´t “know anything about the issues”.
Not to mention that Merkel wears a pantsuit too most of the time. So she clearly is a co-conspirator with Hillary Clinton. An international female conspiracy against us men in the Western World!
I´m feeling sooo grateful to Carey Roberts right now!
Do you think he´d like a gift subscription to “Playboy” in return?
Then he could gaze at “cleavages” all the time. Without a pesky dress or pantsuit obstructing his view. 🙂
(Deep sigh! I would just love to see Roberts defending this article against Thatcher in her prime. I bet her swinging her bag would have him covering on the ground, totally terrorized.)
Do you think maybe Carey wrote this thinking about Katherine Harris, then his live-in nurse/editor mentioned Harris is a ‘good’ christianist who only used her boobs so that she could punish them, and herself, for it later?
Cause, obviously, all lefty gals are just there to be cheesecake, while no one ever even seems to notice that people like Ann Coulter or Michelle Malkin have vaginas or breasts.
For the record, the existence of Ann Coulter’s vagina and/or breasts cannot be confirmed or denied.
My breasts are huge. Men never look me in the eye.
Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! And this year’s recipient of the NonSequitur trophy goes to Carey Roberts for this gem:
Men die, on average, at the age of 75, while women live to the ripe old age of 80. That means there are 5.3 million more women than men in the United States. In every state except one — Alaska — the female electorate outnumbers the men. So it comes as no surprise that Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska has long been a strong advocate for prostate cancer research.
The competition was wicked. Better luck next time, Gary.
Oh — and I’ve been meaning to ask, why do we have to look at Junior Soprano every time we read this guy’s stuff?
This man is hateful and crazed, but I am unable to rail against a person who can give us sentences like these:
And three months ago Hillary Clinton appeared on C-SPAN, this time with her formidable cleavage peering through her tailored blue dress.
and
So it comes as no surprise that Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska has long been a strong advocate for prostate cancer research.
OMFSM. I swear, I laughed till I cried.
Forget Teh Clenis–It cannot compete with Teh Cleavage! Worry about Teh Prostate!
BLARGH! It is to stupid!
annieangel said,
November 2, 2006 at 3:57
My breasts are huge. Men never look me in the eye.
Annie, I visited your blog for confirmation of your above assertion. While I found several more mentions of your “big boobs” I did not find any photos that would resolve the issue, never mind any videos of you exercising on a trampoline. I would feel much more comfortable trusting you as a cleavage expert if you could be kind enough to post these for us.
What! No Kathleen Harris jokes?
Since he’s talking boobies this bit just popped out at me!
Never had cleavage “peer” at me. What a strange choice of words.
Yeah, don’t worry your pretty heads about it. What a loon!
I can’t imagine why. You seem so sane.
[…] Go read this one from Sadly, No. Some funny shit as they that bricks to a misogynistic moonbat. […]
Nice to see all you grrls are having a very intellectual conversation.