Dear Satan, please visit my groin. TY.

This is the first year I won’t have a “this home belongs to the Lord!” anti-Halloween celebration happening in my town.

Lousy Northeast. How the hell are you supposed to throw a Jesus Rodeo?

I like how handing out chick tracts today to trick or treaters still ensures your eternal damnation.

Also I learned that even some fundamentalist churches are controlled by Satan. That is truly priceless.

Is that Gary in the first panel with the pumpkinhead?

The fact is, Jack Chick visited my groins.

Tell the one about how Kerry said that our soldiers are idiots.

John Kerry just delivered the election to us on a silver platter.

John Kerry just delivered the election to us on a silver platter.

So to recap Gary’s flippitty flopping this week, we went from Smashing Conservative Sweep, including Katherine Harris’ magical come from 30 points behind victory to the Venezuelans were going to help the Democrats steal the election to John Kerry just handed the election to the Republicans.

Next Week on Ruppertia: Republican Landslide looks very hopeful, followed by the threat of a Democratic Coup, finally culminating in next Tuesday’s Satan is in charge of the Universe Jamboree.

Tell the one about how Kerry said that our soldiers are idiots.

Jeez, do these guys get it that everyone can see the desparation? I mean, when you have to go this far out into Lala Land to try to smear somebody, it’s kind of obvious what you’re doing. Same with the Webb thing. If you can find something that actually gets people excited, like taking bribes, obstructing justice or molesting teenage boys, then you can smear effectively and have people react the way you want them to. When the best you can do is just desparately make stuff up, you look weak and confused and, well, dishonest. So Gary. You had something working with William Jefferson. But this shit, now? Just silly and worthless…

mikey

John Kerry just delivered the election to us on a silver platter.

Yeah, but let your parents look at that election before you take a bite out of it. It might be laced with poison or satanic demons or razors. Or diveristy!

John Kerry just lost my vote.

And forget that Clinton guy, he’s done for.

Wow. Googled “Kerry soldiers idiots” and, in among the ’04 campaign slime against Kerry, I found a couple of links to wingtard blogs which in turn linked to video of Kerry talking to George Stephanopoulos. In the video, Kerry is discussing the “standing down” part of “as the Iraqis stand up, we will stand down,” and he says (this is the entirety of the portion quoted by the wingtards):

But there is no excuse three and a half years later for American troops to be driving by IED’s and getting blown up. Are you telling me that they can’t drive a truck?

Demonstrating Swankian — nay Grogantic! — comprehension skills, the ‘tards seize on the quote and accuse Kerry of calling U.S. soldiers idiots who can’t drive. Perhaps if they closed their mouths for a second to stop the noise of their own adenoidal heavy breathing, they would have understood that the “they” in that question refers to Iraqi troops — 240,000 of whom we have theoretically trained up to provide their own security.

As a side note, it is fascinating that both of the ‘tardblogs I found that referred to this business used the exact same language to describe it. I wonder if they got the same talking points as Gary.

I had to click through 20 wingnut blogs to find out what the hell they were babbling about.

Is there nothing that doesn’t scare christians?
Going castle to castle demanding sacrifices = taking your kid’s peanut butter cups.
You know, let’s pretend that this whole “Halloween is satan’s day” thing is true, and not some sort of cry for help; how lame does that make the devil?
His dio uno involves kids running around as superman and spongebob (oh. NOW it makes sense.) and getting snickerdoodles and twizzlers. Why are you so worried about this guy?
The ruler of the evil legions, whos singular goal is the destructiong of god and the enslavement and eternal torment of all mankind, and he rolls his posse into town on orange crepe paper and fake cobwebs from Kmart.
Yeah. I’m shaking in my booties of THAT.
Nope, it’s not the rampant corruption in our society, or constant wars, or any of the seriously bad shit that happeneds every minute of every day in this fucked up planet, it’s the singing plastic mummies at CVS that are the epoch of Satan’s year.
Fuckers.

Halloween is more closely related to Dio del Morte, if I recall, a day of celebrating life by remembering the dead. Kinda sorta. There are definatly candy skulls involved.
THere are also elements of numerious days from several cultures of days when the dead rise again, weither in flesh or the more lightweight and traveller friendly spirit form, and need to be put back to rest. Doesn’t sound very satan-y to me, especially if you cling to the hope that once Teh God DOES come back, all the dead peeps need to be ready for him, and not wandering to the town, looking for a 1000 brown M&Ms.

Hey! I’ve got a new blog, one just for my political rantings. Check it out! Or, if you prefer the geekier stuff about SF, movies, TV, superhero comics, HeroClix, and just how bad the Bucs are doing this season, you can still head over to the old blog.

Or, you know, I’ll just sit here in the dark.

I recommend Seb dress up like this, maybe the devil won’t find him. And he can drink lots of beer!

Hey, be sure to keep the Chick tract on Mormons on file for when Mitt Romney runs. Endless possibilities.

The terrified Christianist kids whose parents deny them candy on Halloween are gonna grow up mentally unbalanced and open their own candy factories! It is true, ’cause I saw it in a movie!

Sadly I went to chick.com and found the original tract. Man, what is that guy on when he draws those things?

The best Chick tracts are the anti-Catholic ones. They’re hysterical. All about young Catholic girls being sold by their parents into convents which are actually brothels for lecherous priests. Seriously awesome.

The pagan worship ones are good, too, but I think the anti-Catholic ones are the real classics.

The fact is I was just talking to a black gay Mormon cabdriver and he told me, “After the way John Kerry insulted our troops, I’ll never vote for the Dumbodefeatocrats.”

The fact is, we’re heading into a Republican landslide this election. Katherine Harris ROOOLLZZ!!11!.

As a longtime Chick fan, I take exception to your choice of material from what I think of as Chick’s “cocktail napkin” period. I tend to prefer the “Daddy, don’t you touch us! I’ll CUT YOU” stuff, with its simpler, more austere lines, that was so obviously a great influence on Raymond Pettibon.

As a longtime Chick fan, I take exception to your choice of material from what I think of as Chick’s “cocktail napkin� period. I tend to prefer the “Daddy, don’t you touch us! I’ll CUT YOU� stuff, with its simpler, more austere lines, that was so obviously a great influence on Raymond Pettibon.

I think that’s the Fred Carter art. Carter’s been missing in action for a few years, alas….

Halloween is simply a harvest festival, one of the many festivals that the church, wisely understanding that they could not get the people to give up the ancient fertility festivals of the Old Religion, coopted, in this case adapting Samhain to All Saints and All Souls – November 1st & 2nd, respectively, making October 31st All Hallows Eve.

And there it is again, astounding ignorance of the history of their own faith. Christmas is December 25th, not because there is a shred of evidence that it is Jesus’ birthday, but because it was close to Yule, the winter solstice holiday where the hours of sunlight were to begin lengthening again – hence, the ‘son’ is born back into the world. This was the Roman holiday of Saturnalia. Historically speaking, it is highly unlikely that the Romans were doing a big tax roundup at that time of year, since during the Saturnalia they tended to party hearty.

Satan is, of course, the bastardization of the Great Horned God, the God of the Glen.

It doesn’t take much to find out that many gods and demigods of the period were born of virgins who were impregnated by gods. Ye gods, Zeus did that all the time!

If they just read a little, they might know this. But sadly, they don’t even read the Bible, let alone anything educational.

Silly sherrifs! They were SHOOTING at Satan, when they should have just said, “Jesus is keen!” and made him run away like Dr. Zoidberg.
Though, i think even us eeeevil atheist can all agree that human sacrifices are bad.
Wait, that’s retarded and can’t be right. If they took someone from every house once a year and killeded them, the population would have plummeted to next to nothing.
Ugh. Jesus christ, these people are retarded.

Hey, I don’t see Gary talking smack about how Allen’s going to win a landslide. Why’s that, Gary? Did something happen? Something involving pressed charges from a constituent?
Suck it, Blue!

You rock, Candy.
Zeus would fuck anything that held still long enough. XD

No need for holding still, Some Guy. I likes ’em feisty. If they’re too acquiescent, I turn ’em into cows and such . . .

When is Retardo Montalban’s Siege Machine coming for David Frum? I had heard Frum was its next sacking.

As far as I can tell, chick tracts have absolutely no basis in reality whatsoever. Sheriff’s shooting at Satan? Satan killing people with chainsaws? Welcome to the Weekly World News of organized religion.

Ugh. Every time I see something like this, I understand why so many detest religion. I hate what these people have done to the name of Christianity. They actually make serious conversations about faith harder because of their attempt to monopolize their theology as “really Christian.” Instead we get the damned for eternity to the lake of fire if you don’t hop on one foot while you say “Jeeeeeeeeeeeezuuuuus.”

Happy Hallowe’en you cute little fluffy liberals!

Well, I AM pretty fiesty. Yarr!

In other news, what the hell’s up with youtube? I swear, ever since Google bought it, it’s been all wonky and skittish.

Google bought youtube to shut it down. Google sucketh.

Well since this is (apparently) the devil’s birthday (or something, I’m not quite sure), I figure I can feed Annie just this one time.

Happy all hallows eve Annie. Didya dress up in a costume?

No, did you?

But of course Annie. If I am going to get damned to hell, I am sure it is going to be fore disobeying God’s dress code and not for handing out chick tracts.

You’re going to Hell because you aren’t saved, period.

What did you dress up as?

Wow. That’s some stone-cold crazy right there.

Hmmm. Hypothetical question here.
Now, I think we can all agree that you should be doing the right thing and all that jive, yeah?
Well, what’s the motivation behind it?
I mean, let’s take two people, Person A and Person B. A is teh devotness and B is an athiest.
They’re both good peeps, nice to people, always carry a pen, stuff like that. Now, Perosn A is doing so that, once the proverbiable bucket gets kicked, A will get reward for all those years of work and charity, so yaaaay.
Now, Perosn B is in full belief that, once the cows come home, he just winks out of existance and his body rots, but is still a nice person, cause he thinks that everyone should be, and if everyone was, then the world would be a much nicer place. Pay it foreward, if you will.
Between the two, who would you all say is more deserving of a spot at Chez Cloud?

The person who loves God. If you don’t love God, then you can’t go to Heaven. Why is that hard to grasp? It has NOTHING to do with how good of a person you are, that is all relative, isn’t it? You have to love God with all your heart.

I worked with this woman once. Scary perm, bulgy eyes, too much makeup, high-pitched voice, said “sweetie” way too often, put her hand on your arm and smiled really, really big while she explained how completely and utterly fucked you were if you didn’t buy The Big Insurance Policy. Haven’t thought of her in years. Can’t imagine what brought her to mind just now . . .

So she was a nice lady who cared about you. Maybe Jesus is making you remember her.

Awww, see, we were having such a fun Halloween thing to, and now you had to go and spill wingnut everywhere. That stuff jsut does NOT wash ouy, Anne, no matter how hard you scrub.

Now, if you all excuse me, i got some nuns to rape before I tell the Big Guy how much I love him. I just LOVE how they squirm!

Oh give it a rest. How old are you, twleve?

I love that whole line of reationalization. If someone loves God with all his or her heart, they still get to go to Heaven even if they commit the most heinous atrocities — genocide, murder, rape, torture, using “looser” when they mean “loser” — because it’s all in the name of the “love of God.”

Though to be fair, Some Guy, the atheist wouldn’t go to Heaven. How would you go somewhere that doesn’t exist?

You don’t get it. Heaven is not a place, Heaven is being with God.

And god is located where exactly? If its not a place then how can you be with him there?

Alternately,
If there is no actual ‘heaven’ then obviously there must be no actual ‘hell’ either?
So if there is no heaven and there is no hell then why worship god at all?
A bigger white picket fence? Cheaper salt?
Or is it the for the free wafers and wine?
Or maybe its a method to claim some kind of superior privledge in order justify wholesale slaughter and repression?

You don’t get it. Heaven is not a place, Heaven is being with God.

Honey, heaven is a delusion thought up by people who couldn’t or wouldn’t, and people today who can’t or won’t, accept their own mortality. I know; death sucks as a concept for beings with genetically programmed survival instincts. But grow the fuck up and deal with the fact that when you die, you go to the same place your roadkill goes: nowhere.

You’re going to Hell because you aren’t saved, period.

Funny, I thought that was God’s decision, not yours. My mistake. Next time I worry about my soul, I’ll pray to you k?

Annie, you don’t love me nearly as much as you claim you do.

You love me the same way a cheerleader loves the star quarterback in a high school football team – because you think it makes you better than anyone else. That is not the kind of love that I command.

You’re going to Hell, Annie.

Did anyone else notice that Mr. Chick’s “Druid” is holding a staff with an ankh on it?

Now my studies of ancient religions are sparse at best, but if the ancient Celtic druids venerated an Egyptian symbol, I’d be mighty surprised.

Admittedly, I suppose the symbol could have spread across the Mediterranean, but I think in this case it’s just a matter of [i]artist don’t know shit[/i].

Chan, you know how it is: all those non-Christian religions look the same.

Ted: Heaven and Hell were thought up by early church and secular leaders who figured out they could use the posthumous carrot and stick to keep the peasants in line. “Have a miserable life of indentured servitude qua serfdom? Don’t worry (and certainly don’t rebel!) — you will be much better off after you’re dead.” (Actually, probably true, but not for the reasons given.) “Oh, and of course if you do rebel against the natural order of things (i.e., you on the bottom, and your liege lord and me on top), then you get to burn in hellfire for all eternity. You’re choice. I’m just sayin’.”

Oh, and remember:

Torquemada and Richard III — Heaven
Gandhi — Hell

Let this be a lesson to all of you.

Sorry HG, but if you haven’t accepted Jesus, you aren’t saved. Period. That’s not my decision, it’s yours.

This is a stick-up. Do as I say and you won’t get hurt.

“You have to love God with all your heart.”

ooOOooh, I’ve been using the wrong part to love God with…that explains it.

Goddammit! I hate it when annie’s DT’s wear off and she can start typing again.

Chick tracts are the product of dropping acid during Communion.

annieangel, darling, good Christians don’t attempt to judge for Hod; only God can do that.

Reminds me of an old joke.

Richard Dawkins has died in a car accident and is surprised to find himself in front of Saint Peter.

“So I was wrong then? Am I going to Hell then”. he asks.

“Not so”, says Saint Peter, “God doesn’t care whether you believe or not, here, let me take you on a guided tour through Heaven”.

So they went and Dawkins met all sort of people, Buddhists, atheists, Catholics, Protestants, Muslims, etc, all living together peacefully having a whale of a good time, but then they come to a walled off, bleak looking part of Heaven from which loud hymns are coming.

Saint Peter gestures to Dawkins to keep quiet and move silently past it. Once past, Dawkins asks what was going on there.

Says Saint Peter: “That’s the Evangelical section: they think they’re alone in Heaven!”

What part of what I type don’t you understand? I’m not judging anyone. It’s a fact that if you have not accepted Jesus then you are not saved and are going to Hell. I’m not judging anyone by saying that, I’m just telling you the truth.

And JESUS judges for God. Idiot.

What does Jesus gain by throwing me into a volcano for not believing you when you tell me HE is going to throw me into a volcano for not believing in HIM?

Hmmmmm?

It’s a fact that if you have not accepted Jesus then you are not saved and are going to Hell.

Precious Annie… She thinks her religion is somehow any different than, say, Greek mythology. Grow up, dear. Face the fact of your mortality.

“You’re going to Hell because you aren’t saved, period.”

Wow, this god you keep talking about sounds like a real asshole.

“It’s a fact that if you have not accepted Jesus then you are not saved and are going to Hell.”

And maybe if you give a little something-something to the church, we’ll see if we can’t grease a few wheels, if you catch my drift. I’m not sayin you’s might be having some problems, but it don’t hurt ta have some of da insurance. We’d hate to see something bad happens to ya, if you’re not careful, you sees what I’m getting at?

Rules that the church made up are fun!

Wow, this god you keep talking about sounds like a real asshole.

She might as well be telling you that Big Bird is going to come kick your ass if you don’t think about things the way she does.

Faith is great in theory, as it helps make you a better human being. That’s what I like about it.

It isn’t purely theoretical. That’s what I don’t like about it.

Why does human behaviour have to spoil everything?

What Annie doesn’t realize is that the Flying Spaghetti Monster gets very, very sad when he thinks of her.

Oh, and remember:

Let this be a lesson to all of you.

I thought that Richard III was now believed to have been the victim of a smear campaign by one Will Shakespeare, the Karl Rove of his time.

Some Guy,

Giving to the Church is giving to charity. Well, not if you give it to the Papists, but if you go to a small Church, the chances are your offering is paying someone’s electric bill, or heat bill. Or feeding people who need food in the area, non-Christians even!

If you don’t like it, make sure that when you fall on hard times you don’t accept help from a Christian Church or organization, and good luck find any that aren’t!

I thought that Richard III was now believed to have been the victim of a smear campaign by one Will Shakespeare, the Karl Rove of his time.

Yes, my bad. I was referring, of course, to Richard I, Coeur de Lion, Crusading slayer of Saracens.

If you don’t like it, make sure that when you fall on hard times you don’t accept help from a Christian Church or organization, and good luck find any that aren’t!

Yes, what a pity that there are nocharitableorganizationsthataren’tChristian.

Oops. Here are the spaces I neglected to put in: .

I thought that Richard III was now believed to have been the victim of a smear campaign by one Will Shakespeare, the Karl Rove of his time.

Will was using Thomas More’s version of events. You know, the Thomas More who was in the service of the family that took over the throne by winning a war against Richard III. I heard that worked out really well for Tom More.

That same family whose descendant was actually the Queen when Will was writing. That Will. What a suckup. Oh well. At least she didn’t behead him.

If you don’t like it, make sure that when you fall on hard times you don’t accept help from a Christian Church or organization, and good luck find any that aren’t!

Ah, yes. It’s a terrible shame industrialised nations don’t have some kind of organised, universalised government-organised system or anything to aid people when they fall on hard times.