Pastor’s Wank makes Fat Chicks in Party Hats seem coherent.

BLEARGH! WHERE IS THE SINBEAST? IT IS A MYSTERY! PLEASE, SINBEAST DO NOT SIN ON ME! I AM A HAM AND I WILL NOT SIN ON YOU! AH-HA! YOU SEE THAT I LIE! SIN FOR ALL!

This passage stuck out like a sore soul:

I must say that my wife is not of the same mind as I when it comes to defending biblical truth against the spreading apostasy in the village.

Okay, so after all that sheer ignorance, he’s going after his own wife in print. Niiiiiiice.

She would hold to “peace at any price.� I responded to her by saying that we are not here to be liked.

HA! I TOLD THAT BITCH! And there you have Pastor’s Wank in a (if you’ll pardon the expression) nutshell. We’re not here to make peace. We’re not here to be liked. We’re not even here to do good.

She is disturbed that certain villagers have crusted over for the devil, turning their backs on God, thereby giving me the cold shoulder.

Dude, I’ve been a secular agnostic most of my life, but I’ve never “crusted over for the devil”. What the hell are those Canuks getting up to now? And isn’t that pretty telling? They turn their backs on God, thereby giving Pastor’s Wank the cold shoulder.

This nutsack is a couple years away from standing on top of a tower with a high-powered rifle.

That was Swanktacular©!

Illegals do what higher?

The world needs more Swankus.

this is like finding out you rented your cellar for years to ted bundy…I went to that school..somehow I don’t think the villagers are that interested in what pastor swank has to say – unless he decides to take up bootlegging that is..

I thank God Pastor Swank has enough time on his hands to not only find fault with his own country his own political party (which is way better than those satanic Dems who may not have enabled an alleged child molester in congress BUT they won’t deport the prostitutes or enshrine no homo nups into the constitution sooo…), but to ignorantly “examine” the state of religion in Canada. It must really bug him that one particular branch of eschatology isn’t enshrined by our pundits as “having values” verses all those people who disagree with it as something closely removed from evil.

Does he even know that the United Church of Canada supports same sex marriages? Perhaps, given his desire to spread gossip about UCC ministers. Thank God by the way, Pastor Swank was around the weigh in on these matters. I mean, it’s not like such things are private personal matters between those involved and God and probably full of heart wrenching decisions. And you know, I think that this matter is the highest priority on the whole morality plate and not, Mark Foley, Abramoff, Iraq, Delay or Bob Dole taking Viagra.

Of course, I think Swank would be surprised that even in the UCC there are debates on same-sex marriage. My local congregation is very conservative and we have had some fiery debates. But that’s the key, I think. In Canada, we have public debates on religion and the role of religion in our society in a crazy non-culture war kinda way. No political party is viewed as the “religious” one, since the three national parties all have religious supporters (and agnostic and atheistic supporters) who argue passionately for their causes.

Swank seems upset that his mother-in-law got told that she didn’t know the bible because she wanted to sing only the bloodiest of hymns. Yeah, that’s the devil’s religion talking, Totally not “Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone.” Damn devil, not wanting to stone prostitutes.

And don’t get me started on Swank’s take on our healthcare system.

Hey- I am NOT anti-reason.

“…and called the democrats. Remember the democrats? This is a song about the democrats…”

-D…

It is not so much that she is hurting because of what happens to me personally but that she does not like our couple-image to be tainted by the biblical truth I have spoken.

Holy crap, that’s the best sentence ever.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!! STOP TORTURING THE SYNTAX!

I weep for the English language as it lies in a broken heap at the hands of this monster. At long last sir, have you no decency?

the city-that-should-never-be-built-again-there.

I like the word order. Built again there? Why not “built-should-there-that-be-never-again-city-the”?

I suppose he hasn’t worked out that New Orleans is there because it’s where the Mississippi reaches the sea, that is, where the main trade route of the US interior connects to *everywhere else in the world*.

“crusted over for the devil”

I’m putting this one in the file. I’m not sure what it means, but I likes it.

Is there an online wingnut dictionary? If Pastor Swank says the Democrats are “anti-reason,” I want to know their definition of reason. Like everything wingnuts say, it means “a positive-sounding word that makes it sound like I’m using logic, but is really a tactic that lets me deny that I’m deceiving you and just trying to make liberals look bad.”

Iraq wallows in more blood fountains.

I thought the blood fountains were one of the positive things we have done in Iraq that the media keeps ignoring.

I’m so disappointed you didn’t continue your analysis with Swank’s spooky anecdote-laden diatribe on Canadian healthcare! I always love the argument that goes, “My cousin was sick and he could have DIED because some Canadian doctor was rude and put him on a list so I took him to America and he LIVED! Therefore, Canadian healthcare is a KILLER!!”

Of course, there was no analysis put on this sentence about his cousin’s American treatment:

“He was fortunate in that he had the thousands of dollars to pay for his surgery. Most Canadians would not have the funds necessary to drive across the border into the US for their treatment.”

Um, Swank, do you think there might be an argument in there somewhere for socialized medicine?

The image of Pastor Swank having to run to his car for “personal safety” after haranguing some poor doofus about his back-sliding ways made me laugh the good laugh.

Swank: “But dear, the terrorists global and the evil Mooslims will kill all womb babies and Dems are gross”.
Swanky’s wife: “That’s nice, honey. Now can you focus and strut your stuff over to the trash and take it out?”

Won’t somebody please save us from the prostitutes? Oh, I’m so scared of the scary prostitutes!

steve_e sayeth:

I want to know their definition of reason. Like everything wingnuts say, it means “a positive-sounding word that makes it sound like I’m using logic, but is really a tactic that lets me deny that I’m deceiving you and just trying to make liberals look bad.�

It’s “reason” in the time-honored Objectivist sense.

for Dems to get the upper hand in the United States will spell more doom for this nation
more doom. Isn’t doom something that’s pretty much final?

Waters will rush again into the bowl, only to spell havoc repeat.
Spell havoc repeat. Spell havoc repeat?

The syntax does make you think of some Chinese to English translations you see on the interwebs.

Spell havoc. Repeat.

H-A-V-O-C. H-A-V-O-C. H-A-V-O-C. H-A-V-O-C. H-A-V-O-C. H-A-V-O-C…

“Crusted Over For The Devil”

Isn’t that a Spinal Tap album?

That picture of Swank looks like the guy evil from Halloween 3.

He’s just mad that he’s too cheap to pay the traditional hookers’ Weasel Surcharge, that extra twenty-to-fifty bucks added to the tab for a guy you know is going to spend thirty minutes attempting to convert you–afterwards.

And I would think that after years of living with him, Swank’s wife already understands that he’s “not here to be liked”. I’m guessing, btw, that the pastor “living with another man’s wife” thing is less a matter of adultery and more a matter of Swank’s views on the illegitimacy of divorce.

For some reason the good pastor Swanky made me think of some sort of Henry V shampoo.
Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war.
Repeat as necessary.

Waters will rush in again
into the bowl, on-
ly to spell havoc repeat

Spell. Havoc. Repeat.

That’s so f’in awesome I had to repeat the repeat.

Wow, the contagious syntax is.

Republicans in Congress
have disappointed.
Excellence fell through the cracks.

Dems will strut their ugly stuff
from coast to coast. It
will not be a pleasant day.

Democratic prostitutes kill Canadians with health care.

I have been most fortunate in marrying a Canadian who already knew the value of the Canadian tea bag.

Best. Swankery. Ever.

I always thought it was the Japanese that started the Engrish. But I didn’t know until this day it was Pastor Swank all along.

“we are not here to be liked”

I’m willing to bet he not only talks the talk here, he walks the walk.

al Swanka: Iraq wallows in more blood fountains.

Dan Someone: I thought the blood fountains were one of the positive things we have done in Iraq that the media keeps ignoring.

But the power’s on only a couple of hours a day. The fact is, the blood fountains ran practically continuously under Saddam. Just another example of Dem wrong-headedness.

Oh my god. Pastor Swank is the tech writer we recently got rid of! Seriously:

“The green bars, in this case 6, have the potential to communicate with your GPS device. Buildings, mountains, etc, make that not possible at this time.”

“Special Non-Glass Mounting Information
Some states, such as California and Minnesota, have laws which specifically prohibit or control any device that is mounted on a windshield or other window in your vehicle. These laws also apply to vehicles that enter those states from an adjoining state. Be sure to familiar yourself with the following information should you be in that latter category of traveler. Your alternative is to remove the assembly from your windshield while in that state.”

It all makes sense now. Beware of positioning satellites global!

I tried to install a blood fountain in my backyard, but I couldn’t get the blood flow pressure right. Damn thing kept blood fountaining into the neighbor’s yard, and he got pissed, which he had no right to do.
I might invade him tomorrow.

It’s the “Muslim way� that tolerates no alternative.

that sounds suspiciously like Swank’s brand of Christianity.

Seemed to be a lot of underhanded non-quality going on then.

Now, goddam it, THIS is the problem with America today. Oh sure, there’s been a whole lot of non-quality going on for years, decades even. But it was always the straight-up, honest, dare I say upstanding sort of non-quality. But lately? The integrity of the non-quality has declinded radically, and now we’re seeing a lot of underhanded non-quality going on, and that’s a big problem.

If it had been studied, Islam would have been revealed as a killing and maiming cult

Look, those Mooslims would be bad enough if they were just a killing cult. But the maiming. Oh, Lord, the maiming HAS to stop…

mikey

I call dibs on Blood Fountain for the name of my death metal band. Watch out for our new release, The city-that-should-never-be-built-again-there – our apocalyptic rantings will be in your faces, motherfuckers!

Is there such a thing as over-handed non-quality?
Oh yeah, this administration.

” Levees won’t hold. Remember I said it first.”

Yeah, because nobody else has said the rebuilt levees won’t withstand another hurricane.

“Mrs. Swank must love taking her hubby around to dinner parties, doncha think? “”

She doesn’t. She hosts dinner parties where they eat devil crusted over with herbs and garlic with cold shoulder of lamb.

This is so great. So, so great. Sorry sorry state. So great.

“This nation is in an extremely sorry state. Sorry sorry state. If there are any out there with prayer faith, let them act on it for there is little else to turn to.

Illegals mount higher.

Iraq wallows in more blood fountains.”

This guy needs a reading at City Lights.

Attention moderate and liberal Christians: this is the kinda guy you need to be focusing your energy on, and quit all the tut-tutting you give us atheists, agnostics, pagans, brights, humanists and other assorted heatherns for being so mean about your charming little fairy tale. Seriously. Leave Richard Dawkins alone. Guys like Brother Swank up there are making your religion look much worse and silly and harmful and idiotic and irrational than P.Z. Myers ever could, okay?

LOL, blood fountains. Also, you guys should have photoshopped some Doom II pics.

Isn’t that Bill Press?

Not enough jailbeds,
Streetwalkers turned out by cops
For curb-side pick-up.

This made my day…

“… Of course, that in turn sets up a social barrier against me. Few have responded to the gospel message of personal salvation via Christ’s grace.

I note that in this visit the barrier has grown higher and wider”

Translation: ” For some reason the locals have taken offence to me telling them that their Religious beliefs are wrong, and now they have ostracized me. ”

I live in Hants County Nova Scotia, home of Kennetcook.
Upon reading this little ditty my faith in my fellow Bluenosers has been upheld. Nova Scotia is seen as little more than a backwater fishing village by many of my fellow Canadians, and Kennetcook is the boonies even by Nova Scotia Standards. But a least the good people of Kennetcook have enough sense to recognize an idiot when they see one.

I Confronted Him in My Last Visit About his Backslidden State

I confronted him in my last visit about his backslidden state.
“Sir,” I said, “Your state is back-slid.”
He became so angry that for personal safety
I had to run from his parsonage porch to my car.

Anton Lavey’s biggest mistake was appointing Charles Nelson Reilly as his successor.

Never let it be said that I would let even ONE SINGLE Swank post go by without the obligatory Charles Nelson Reilly reference.

Also, wouldn’t those be upside down blood fountains? (See FISHING WITH GANDHI)

I envy the guy, if he gets to see harlots hovering over New Orleans. I only get giant black bats swooping and diving.

Send in the levitating harlots!

I just can’t get my mind off of Pastor Swank’s wife.

Are we absolutely sure that this isn’t horror fiction? Because that “Two Canadian Killers” column reads like Stephen King wrote it as an alternate fate for Carrie, had she not developed telekinetic powers.

At least the Republican corruption is wrong.

That was my favorite bit. At least the Republicans have the decency to be wrong when they’re being corrupt.

SATAN! SATAN! EVIL! SATAN! ANTI-CHRIST!! BWAAAA!!!!!
*bangs head on desk*

ugh. Will to live.. failing…
He does, I’m sure, know that Satan was basically invented by the Church during the middle ages to better subjergate and exploit ye olde peasents, yes?

People who don’t feel any need at all to explore the backround and history of their organized religion piss me off to no end.

Over at Renew America, Carey Roberts is talking about the women’s restroom at the mall again:

http://www.renewamerica.us/columns/roberts/061024

Haiku, maybe. Horror fiction, possibly. But I am becoming convinced that the Swankster is actually a Beat Poet (it really helps if you read this aloud in that pretentiously annoying rhythm favored by self-important beats, you know, the ones who roll their eyes heavenward and intone everything in an aggressively iambic rhythm):

There are not enough beds
in jails
to stash
the streetwalkers.
Many are released by cops
back
on the streets
within minutes.

So what to do
with the hooker just nabbed.
Give her a summons,
like illegals coming across the border.
Don’t put them
in court
before a judge.
Question:
Do drug dealers
keep appointments
with court officials?

Roberts goes from “idiot urban legand” to “ZOMG Nanny State!” in one short essay.
Then goes back to his claim that woman are the REAL threat in domestic violence, with a link to a PDF file that I shall call “utter jibberish”, which contains several graphs that I shall call “unreadable and incomprehensable”.
nyargh.

Master Shake: I hate to be a buzz kill, but he said that your house is on elf graves and they’re pissed off.
Carl: All right, fine, we’ll do that.
Meatwad: And the blood’s just gonna keep flowing, unless ….
Cybernetic Ghost: Unless Carl pays tribute to the Elfin Elders in space.
Carl: I’ll do it. What do I do?
Cybernetic Ghost: You must give of yourself to the Great Red Ape.
Carl: Okay … how much?
Cybernetic Ghost: Sexually.
Carl: … wonderful.

People who don’t feel any need at all to explore the backround and history of their organized religion piss me off to no end.

Whoa, now. The church can’t allow any of that “research” or “study” or “logic” or they’re gonna be out of worshippers in a couple of weeks. It’s just not very far from understanding the history, source and purpose of the book and asking the larger questions about any reason whatsoever to believe in unsupported and unsupportable mythology…

mikey

Send in the levitating harlots!
Preferably with Ride of the Valkyries blaring out of the speakers.

Big props for the Matthias Grünewald image, by the way.

Swank Pastor best ever is does at he what.

Mortician Smiling doth unlocked poetry inherent beat in swankery teh raving. Swank with, haiku just than more! Blends Swank styles several traditions different from in way genius unmatched. Moving it’s, almost!

While me my pardon explodes head. Amusing it’s been. Byegood.

Is it the Dems who are the party of underhanded non-quality, or the Repubs? Or is the excellence falling through the cracks because of the underhanded non-quality?

I think it says “spell havoc repeat” because he was using a template which told him to repeat a word like in his other column “Nuts. Nuts for sure.” and he just forgot to repeat it properly and left the instructions in.

Also: “the aftermath of a bloodlet that will never ever end.” What will never ever end? The bloodlet? Then how can there be an aftermath?

I agree his columns look much more elegant written in beat-style free verse, although Swanku also shows much promise. (promise much? havoc repeat.)

Yoda to Swank: I your father literary am.

Inigo Montoya: “I think do not that word what means you think it. Means.”

If “Kaye” Grogan and Swank, Pastor and Marie Jon”””””’ were all in the same place at the time same, would it a sound make?

I envy the guy, if he gets to see harlots hovering over New Orleans. I only get giant black bats swooping and diving.

Poor bastard. He’ll see the bats soon enough.

Poor bastard. He’ll see the bats soon enough.

I was rubbing beer on my chest to facilitate the tanning process…

mikey

Poor bastard. He’ll see the bats soon enough.

We can’t stop here – this is bat country!

Volume, clarity, bass! We must have bass!

Columns like this make it so hard to keep my mind out of the gutter. OK, I give up.

Illegals mount higher.

Is he saying their naughty bits are abnormally elevated until they get their green cards? Who’d have known?

I hope that if the Dems win, they get Madeline Albright, Nancy Pelosi and Barbara Boxer to dress in thongs and “strut their ugly stuff� all over Swank’s front lawn.

I was going to get snarky about that vision, but what the hell, it’s Halloween. Dancing Democration harridans in leather? Bring it on! (Besides, the show’s on Swank’s digs.)

“It is not so much she is hurting because of what happens to me personally but that she does not like our couple-image to be tainted by the biblical truth I have spoken.”
Yeah, I guess after awhile, it must get pretty tiring to hear people ask you, “How can you stay married to such a raving loon? What’s wrong with you?”

Mrs. Swank must love taking her hubby around to dinner parties, doncha think?

*snort* Don’t be absurd. This lunatic has obviously made himself and his (no doubt) long-suffering wife the pariahs of their Nova Scotian village. They probably haven’t had dinner (or any other social activity) with other human beings since Swank got chased out of his last ministry for whatever the hell it was that he did. It must have been good, though, since he had to leave the country. Not your garden variety fuck-up, in other words.

Getting chased to his car by a UCC vicar??? Holy FSM, how obnoxiously fucked-up do you have to be to get that to happen? I know drink- and drug-sodden bad ass punks (disclosure: they are relatives of mine) who couldn’t do that. I could see a Catholic priest doing that, I have known some kick-ass priests. But most of the UCC and Anglican priests I have known have been mild-mannered to the point of social anxiety disorder, fer chrissakes.

Also, I’m curious, is there any reason to believe that English is not the Swankster’s first language? Because if it is his first language, I think I may know what the problem is. The only people I have ever seen or heard that wrote or spoke in this sort of word salad were schizophrenic and off their meds. They were otherwise fairly intelligent people, it’s just that the words that came out of their mouths or their pens were not necessarily what they meant. And they couldn’t tell the difference. I think Mrs. Pastor Swank should be concerned. Actually, I think Mrs. Pastor Swank should have him binned. I’m sure the vicar and the rest of the village would back her up. 😉

I haven’t laughed this long and hard in weeks! Such a batshit crazy column, such hilarious commentary. Smiling Mortician, I at your feet bow!

I hate it when my excellence falls through the cracks. I tried to fish it out with one of those magnets on a stick, but excellence doesn’t seem to feel the pull of magnetism. I looked in Hints from Heloise and nada. Any tips, Swankster? I’m guessing your excellence falls through the cracks a lot, where it keeps company with your grammar, your syntax, and your sanity.

“Syntax? I don’t need no stinking syntax, lessen you mean the surcharge on the hookers!” shouls the good Pastor, going red in the face.

In other news, there is a shocking lack of Dreamfields in this week’s dose of Swankurnalia. I suspect that V.D.Hanson has annexed them and turned them into vineyards. Why aren’t the left-wing blogs speaking out on this?

this week’s dose of Swankurnalia

Why am I picturing an ungracefully aging Satyr wearing paisley rayon and some ill-gotten eagle feathers on a leather thong around his neck?

Hey Brad, what do you have against Oprah???? She is a WONDERFUL person and her show reaches millions of people who react in a positive way. People who would never touch a book read because of her. She cares aobut people. What’s your problem????

I’d vote for Oprah in a hearbeat.

Can you imagine listening to a sermon of Swank’s? It’s bad enough trying to figure out what he’s saying when you can read the sentences back.

I find it more frightening to think of whoever would be in Pastor Swank’s flock listening to that stream-of-lack-of-consciousness rambling. As scary as he is, his parishoners must be even worse.

Unless, of course, they sit around in little berets and snap their fingers in approval to 21st Century Beat verse.

She is a WONDERFUL person and her show reaches millions of people who react in a positive way. People who would never touch a book read because of her. She cares aobut people.

All those things may very well be true, but precisely none of them preclude Oprah’s entertainment offerings from being perceived as being of low quality.

LOL, nowhere near as low as this crap. XD

Annie, you must be f’in kidding. Oprah is one of the most self-serving, media-manipulative individuals on the planet. The crap she pulled on Hermes was disgusting; I’m beyond rich and powerful, and if you won’t open up your store after hours at my whim I’ll haul you in front of the court of public opinion and accuse you of being racist. And I’ll win, ’cause I’m rich and powerful.
I thought her arrogant but harmless before that, and afterward find her to be detestable.

Did she hold up an airport to get a haricut???

Oprah helps millions of women everyday. Millions.

How does she “help” millions of women, Annie? It’s a g’damn tv show that caters to the lowest common denominator. It shows Tom Cruise jumping on a couch, or the latest chick lit author blathering about her latest missive. It helps no one. Get a grip.

And Annie, blaming the Clenis is getting really old. It’s been six years. SIX YEARS. Will he be culpable for the crap going on now in ten years? Fifteen?
Damn, that’s one powerful Clenis.

Lowest common demnominator? Helps no one? Oprah gets millions of letters from women BLESSING her for helping them in their lives. You don’t know what the fuck you are talking about, as usual.

Are you a cattle farmer or just a man who hates seeing women empower themselves??? XD

Actually I’m an individual that hates seeing anyone put their faith in false, hypocritical self-serving idols.
And what the hell is wrong with cattle farming?
Speaking of which, your mindset tends to lean to the herd, so you might want to look into it.

LOLOL!!! You’re picking on OPRAH?!?! Do you knw where and how she grew up? Oprah isn’t false, she couldn’t do what she does and be false. I bet you hate Maya Anjelou too.

You’re lost, sweetcheeks.

Lost in the reality based community. Couldn’t have picked a better place, ’cause here someone will help me if I can’t find my way home. As opposed to your neighborhood, where someone would yell “get off my lawn” or “pull yourself up by your bootstraps”.
And I know where Oprah came from, and admired her for some time. But after the millions came rolling in she lost perspective, as have many who have achieved fame and fortune. You wanna worship a billionaire, pick someone like Gates or Branson, people who give back on a massive scale. Other than that, I’ll stick to admiring the lady down the street who does community work, not holier-than-thou celebrities.

Gates??? I should admire a thief?

You’re whacked, Oprah is a good woman who has spent her life helping others. Unlike you, who just bash your betters. 🙂