The Three-Legged Horse War
Above: Ralph Peters. Can someone get this man a box of Cocoa Puffs?
He really needs something to go cuckoo for besides war.
If you haven’t read Ralph Peters’ latest column, then you really must. It’s a twelve-star tour de force wingnut masterwork where he argues that the Bush administration is losing the Iraq war because… (wait for it)… they’re being too nice to the terrorists! No, really:
Whether the issue is domestic law and order or fighting foreign wars, the great fallacy of the left is the belief that protecting the “human rightsâ€? of killers is more important than the elementary human right of the vast majority – the innocent – to live unmolested by murderers and fanatics.
Whether the cry is “Free Mumia!â€? or “Close Guantanamo!â€? or “Bring the Troops Home Now!â€? the consistent purpose is to rescue killers from justice – no matter the cost to law-abiding citizens here or to the millions of Iraqis who truly desire peace.
This situation was bad enough when save-the-cop-killers/pity-the-terrorists ideology only infected the left. But political correctness has so insinuated itself into our collective thinking that even the chest-thumping Bush administration refused to take on Iraq’s fanatical killers – with the result that Iraq is now frankly ungovernable.
And who gets the blame for this, I wonder?
Responsibility begins, of course, with the Iraqis, who have chosen old hatreds over new possibilities.
Of course! It’s the Iraqis’ fault for not enjoying having their country invaded and occupied! What a buncha backward fruits!
The next layer of guilt encompasses the Bush administration, which lacked the guts to finish what it started.
“No Iraqi Left Alive?”
But the get-Bush-at-any-cost Americans who encouraged our enemies will have the blood of countless innocent Iraqis on their hands.
Sorry, but no, I really don’t.
Ralph, let me explain the Iraq war to you with a story. It’s about this company called America, Inc. that wanted to buy a horse to race in the Kentucky Derby. After months of searching and searching, the CEO of America, let’s call him “George W. Bush,” finally settled on an old horse named Raqi.
“I just like his name,” said Bush. “Kinda sounds like that boxer Sly Stalone played, don’t he?”
However, there was just one small problem: Raqi was an old horse whose best days were behind him. He was certainly in no shape to run any race, let alone the Kentucky Derby. Unfazed by this, Bush came up with a plan to revitalize Raqi’s sagging career: sawing off one of his legs.
Above: Raqi and CEO Bush.
“I don’t think this is a good idea,” said America Inc’s accountants. “I don’t think a three-legged horse can win.”
“Nonsense!” shouted Bush. “Children do three-legged races all the time in gym class! If six-year-olds can win three-legged races, I don’t see why Raqi can’t!”
But once Bush started training Raqi for the race, it became clear that something wasn’t right. Raqi didn’t have much motivation to run, and when he did, he often fell over and lay on the ground. Bush decided that the problem was poor diet, and so he bought Raqi a year’s supply of Halliburton Horse Helper Meal for $500 million.
“Eat all this up, Raqi!” said Bush. “It’ll make you healthy as a horse!”
Unfortunately, the “Horse Helper” was really a bunch of rat sphincters thrown into a bucket. This made poor Raqi even sicker, and now he wouldn’t even get up to run his drills. To make matters worse, some local photographer snuck into Raqi’s stable at night and snapped a photo of the feeble horse. The pic appeared in the local tabloid the next day. “IS THIS REALLY BUSH’S HIGH HORSE?” blared the sarcastic headline.
“Aw man, just what I need!” said Bush. “The damn press is makin’ fun of me! Hey, can our PR people get out there and tell everyone how great Raqi’s doing?”
And so Bush’s public relations flunkies went on the Internets to spread the good news of Raqi’s true condition, which the mainstream media was not reporting.
“THE MSM TOTALLY PHOTOSHOPPED THAT GANGRENE ONTO RAQI’S FACE!!!1!” wrote young PR exec Dan Riehl.
“THE KERNING ON RAQI’S GAPING FLESH WOUND LOOKS AWFULLY SUSPICIOUS!!” wrote PR chief John Hinderaker.
“If Raqi doesn’t win the race, a lot of people will blame the media,” said America, Inc.’s chief attorney Glenn Reynolds in a public statement.
With the press temporarily distracted, America, Inc’s head honchos made a last-ditch effort to salvage their investment.
“The only thing horses understand is force!” said America Vice President Cheney. “We have to show Raqi that we aren’t messing around anymore!”
And so the company put a hood over Raqi’s head, sodomized him with glowsticks, and shoved his head underwater to make him think he was drowning.
“If this don’t motivate him, nothing will!” said Cheney gleefully. “This’ll send a message to any other horses out there that we mean business!”
But these new enhanced motivation techniques proved to be too much for Raqi, who promptly died the next day. And with the horse out of the race for good, not even the machinations of America, Inc’s PR machine could stop the press from finding out.
“Responsibility for this begins, of course, with Raqi, who chose old hatred over new possibilities,” wrote sports pundit Ralph Peters. “The next layer of guilt encompasses CEO Bush , who lacked the guts to finish what he started. If he’d sawed off two legs and gouged out an eye, Raqi woulda won for sure!”
And that’s where we stand today. The End.
The fact of the matter is, we have Raqi’s blood on our hands. After all, we just didn’t clap loudly enough for him to win the derby. We allowed our common sense and logic to get in the way of Bush’s and Ralph Peters’ dream of winning the derby. Hopefully, when the next time this happens, we can put such tawdry things aside, and not be number three in culpability. I know if we try really, really hard, “the left” could be number four next time.
Also, his name is Ralph Peters.
BWAHAHAHA!
Is that his Fortress of Solitude home behind him?
Best summary of the Iraq Debacle, EVA!
“rational rules of engagement…”
I get the impression that both of those are outside his area of expertise.
After all, we just didn’t clap loudly enough for him to win the derby.
Well, if we shoot all the other horses in the race, and then have Halliburton tow Raqi’s corpse around the track, he’ll win for sure.
You horsehaters forgot to mention Raqi’s freshly painted toenails!!1!
Sorry, but no, I really don’t.
What is this? Are we passing up a perfectly good chances to say “Sadly, No!” now? The fact is, that’s the whole reason I come to this site! (Well, that and Gary Rupert)
Yeah, but wouldn’t that violate the rules for the Kentucky Derby? Oh wait, those rules were written in a pre-9/11 mindset. The Kentucky Derby isn’t after all, a suicide pact. Only a defeatist like myself would care about the quaint notions of sportsmanship, rather than giving CEO Bush the power he needs to win.
The Rightwingnut Circus at its best. Meanwhile, back on earth…
Headline: Blix calls the Iraq invasion ‘pure failure’: Country is worse off than before, former UN weapons inspector says
Date: Thursday 26 October 2006
Dateline: COPENHAGEN, Denmark
Source: Associated Press
COPENHAGEN, Denmark — Former UN chief weapons inspector Hans Blix on Wednesday described the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq as a “pure failure” that had left the country worse off than under the rule of Saddam Hussein.
In unusually harsh comments to Danish newspaper Politiken, the diplomatic Swede said the U.S. government had ended up in a situation in which neither staying nor leaving were good options.
“Iraq is a pure failure,” Blix was quoted as saying. “If the Americans pull out, there is a risk that they will leave a country in civil war. At the same time it doesn’t seem that the United States can help to stabilize the situation by staying there.”
War-related violence in Iraq has grown worse with dozens of civilians, government officials and police and security forces being killed every day. At least 83 American soldiers have been killed in October. Blix said the situation would have been better if the war had not taken place.
“Saddam would still have been sitting in office. Okay, that is negative and it would not have been joyful for the Iraqi people. But what we have gotten is undoubtedly worse,” he was quoted as saying.
Very very funny, and that it involves the mad General* “Blood ‘n’ Guts” Peters just makes it that much funnier.
* I know he was just a Colonel. I promoted him.
Bradrocket, you’re just being a spaghetti-puller here.
In order to save Raqi’s career, Bush saw that he needed to saw off all his legs and put him in a wagon to win the Derby. Unfortunately, the wagon was pulled by Raqis’ once-fierce rival Iransofast and, in a completely foreseen development (by everyone but Bush), Iransofast won the race by finishing ahead of the carcass of Raqi, which, of course, he was lugging around the track.
The ugly truth is, in a way, Peters is right. But we had the opportunity to understand that before we undertook the occupation of Iraq. For thousands of years conquerers have understood there is only one way to defeat a popular insurgency in an occupied nation – that is with horrendous, unconstrained brutality. Alexander knew, Caeser knew, Attila knew, Victoria knew, Hitler knew. The lesson was learned hard by the Americans in Vietnam and the Russians in Afghanistan.
The only way for an insurgency to function is with the support of the indigenous people. The only way to defeat them is to coopt that support. You do that with collective punishment. You make the occupied people suffer tremendously every time the insurgents attack. They kill one of your soldiers, you like up and shoot a hundred townsfolk. Before long, the people turn against the insurgency because it is actually hurting them more than it is hurting the occupation.
Not willing to do that? Well, good! It’s nice to know that there are some lows even bush/cheney won’t stoop to. Except one thing. If you’re guaranteed to “lose”, just like in vietnam, because you aren’t willing to do the very things history has taught us are required to defeat an insurgency – then fer cryin out loud, Cancel The Invasion!!
So while Peters is, in his seventeenth-century bloodthirsty style, correct, since that sort of behavior is not going to be tolerated in the 21st century, then wannabe imperial powers have to understand that the age of the military occupation is over. “Regime Change” at the point of a gun will not only fail, but backfire badly, every single time.
It is also worth noting that this oft-stated wingnut belief:
Whether the cry is “Free Mumia!â€? or “Close Guantanamo!â€? or “Bring the Troops Home Now!â€? the consistent purpose is to rescue killers from justice – no matter the cost to law-abiding citizens here or to the millions of Iraqis who truly desire peace.
Conveniently forgets that the “founding fathers” were not Patchouli loving tie-died hippies, but rather people who had experienced firsthand life under an unconstrained monarchy and put these rules in place to protect people, even people like Ralph Peters, from the excesses of the state. Their goal was not to “rescue killers from justice” – that was the unfortunate occasional by-product – but rather to make sure that the innocent were not arbitrarily incarcerated by an uncaring government. The rights were not codified to protect the easy, pleasant kind and caring. The rights protect the ugly, the harsh, the unpleasant, so that they can be recognized to be uncompromising, and un cooptable…
mikey
Let me continue one thing from downpage.
When it comes to Harold Ford and white women. He has dated them, including one who was going to Georgetown. And having someone say “call me” is far from being racist. If anything, it tells people how Ford is single and a womanizer. I don’t think there’s a problem with any sort of interracial dating. And Ford clearly has a guilty conscience if he wants to cover up such information about his dating life.
Ford is just a whining thug who can’t handle a hard shot from the GOP. He’s a career politician, he’s a fake Tennessean, he cranks up his accent after being called on that. He’s a phony moderate. He and his liberal friends will be defeated easily on November 7th.
Gary Ruppert said,
October 26, 2006 at 18:19
Let me continue one thing from downpage
Why, you slack-jawed corruptor of minors? Do you honestly feel the need to spread your ignorance over as wide a swath as possible?
Hah, love the “economy size” box ‘o lovin’ Puffs.
Our economy will neatly fit inside that there box by the time the GOP is through with it.
Ford is just a whining thug…
Project much, Gary?
Thanks for killing my joke, Brad.
Oh well, I’ll take one for the team.
he’s a fake Tennessean, he cranks up his accent after being called on that.
…says the guy who supports our Connecticut Cowboy president.
Ralphy has a point. We need to pull out of Iraq and then invade again only harder. That’ll show ’em.
(I’m not sure how that works in the Kentucky Derby analogy but I’m not a vet.)
Bush is a fake Texan, Gary, what’s your point?
So, does this guy suggest what we SHOULD have done, or just whine that we didn’t do it?
Shorter Guppert: Ford actually dated a woman and he won’t give me the details. No fair.
Thank you for doing my work, Gary.
When it’s all over, I’ll be sure that you get a room next to Bill Frist or Bay Buchanan. That should be a sufficient reward for all the great work you’ve done for the Republican Party.
(Be happy with that, because you’ll never get a thing from them.)
So Ford is dating women? So what; he’s single. That’s what you DO, Gary. Unless you’re gay of course. Which the RNC has also accused Ford of.
Because on the Right, it’s only appropriate to date, gay or straight, if you’re already married. I mean, judging by the examples they set.
Jeez, Gary, Ford is already nearly as much of a Republican as Loserman. What are you, a gerbil? Eating your own?
Is that picture of the guy on the horse Georgie W? Because I’ve been looking for a photo or a video of him on horseback ever since I heard a rumor that he was (snicker) afraid of horses.
Outstanding effort, Bradrocket
Yeah, Brad R., you should definitely have made room in your parable for the fact is that Raqi’s trainer/owner, despite all the media fluffing of his “horsemanship”, is afraid of horses. His well-connected family had to pull strings to cover up George’s screaming defection from his stint at the Texas Dude Ranch. When the truth finally emerged, Bush claimed his enemies had seeded the TDR feed supplies with a grain to which had a well-known allergy — Bush supporters would later refer to this as the Kerneling Controversy.
with a grain to which had a well-known allergy
Might that grain have been Rye Ergot?
mikey
Hey, Satan, thanks for mentioning Bay Buchanan. Hadn’t thought of her in a while and I really needed something to make my wonderful dinner go all sour and lumpy in my stomach.
Hey Mortician. Retreat under cover of Houseman:
And like that you’re outta harms way!!
mikey
Ahh, much better. I think I’ll have that second glass of wine after all.
Gary’s just entered the fifth level of the Game of Death, and Kareem’s waiting to kick his ass.
But the fact he doesn’t know lessens my satisfaction greatly.
Yeah, but it won’t stop me from watching either.