You know, I thought I couldn’t possibly have less respect for this fuck… I thought wrong.

Jack Cashill, American Morality:
Would you let your 12-year-old daughter sleep in a tent with an 18-year-old boy?

*

As the demonic hordes have scourged the lands swallowing the once mighty Christian masses with their mighty rainbow powers in the wake of national legalization of gay marriage, professional homophobes have belatedly started to take down the victory bunting and shift the fundraising apparatuses to whining about the evils of those dastardly trannies out there.

Perhaps it was the indomitable power of Satan’s victory yell or the marriage-crushing reality that was some long-standing couples finally getting legal rights for that or maybe just the fact that now that the magic 50% mark in public approval has passed, all the mushy middle has jumped ship on the hate train and so there’s just no money slipping into the anus of history.

Who would ever be able to tell?

Well, whatever the cause of the exodus of the righteous, it nonetheless fell hardest on the true believers. Those who steadfastedly have kept the fires of outrage lit in their hopes to signal to all the bigots of the world that they at least are willing to stand proudly as anachronistic as ever, still yelling about that golram gay marriage that is ruining the soil, donchaknow, forever.

And while it would be simplicity itself as a heartless God-despising demonic entity to simply laugh at their “suffering” and continue on my merry rampage, sometimes you just have to take the time to witness the sheer level of what the fuck is possible when only the dumbest bigots are left to mind the hate shop.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Listen, you don’t understand. The reason we can’t let gay men serve as Scout Leaders isn’t because gay men are pedophiles. It’s because every man is a pedophile. Man, if I could have gotten away with molesting some pre-teens at a summer camp, you bet your damn ass I would have done it! Ahh, memories.

… did I say dumbest? Perhaps I meant to say most disturbing.

Because it seems the only dim bulbs willing to crawl along the broken down and burnt housing of their memories of relevance are the Josh Duggars of the world happily remembering their own youthful “affairs” and assuming that no gay man could “resist” a “tasty” banquet of literal children any better than they could.

And as a reminder, I’d like to point out that this is the side that keeps claiming to represent a moral authority on the subject.

I was driving in to work earlier this week, listening to a local talk show, when I did something I almost never do. I called in.

Sure you don’t Jack. Sure you don’t. Yes, I’m sure, you Jack Cashill, Birther extraordinaire and perfect representation of exactly the type of conspiracy addled old fuck that serves as talk radio’s listener pool has nevvvvvver called in, not once. Yup, totally believe you.

The subject was the decision by the governing board of the Boy Scouts of America (BSA) to allow openly gay adults to serve as den leaders, scoutmasters, and camp counselors. How could I resist?

Easily? I mean, every time I happen to be listening to the radio in the early morning and every Clear Channel station presumes I want to listen to nothing but sexist homophobic shock jocks guffawing about “chicks with dicks”, I just change the channel.

And, let us not forget, that I am a person writing for a blog whose entire premise is delving deep into the mango grove of right-wing fuckitudity and finding the worst buckets of slop we can to rant at. And yet somehow even I can avoid the SIWOTR long enough to hit the fuck this noise button.

I am an Eagle Scout

And in one sentence we have a more damning indictment of the ban on queer scouts than anything anyone else could have ever written.

and I have a book coming out next week called Scarlet Letters that deals with this larger subject.

When the producer screened me about my stance, I decided to hold off on more complex issues like freedom of assembly and the historical scout requisite to be “morally straight” and focus instead on the pragmatic.

Okay, so you tried to hide your scaly reptilian nature under a veneer of humanity. How well did that go?

I told him that as an Eagle Scout, I can attest to the cross-generational intimacy of the scouting experience. Young boys, older teens, and men share a lot of private time. They swim together, shower together, sleep in the same tents together.

Uhhhhhhh, I’m 30 and suddenly I feel like I need an adult.

On the everyday level, I told him, I would worry about the Jerry Sandusky factor.

Yes, after saying you were an Eagle Scout and rambling about young boys swimming and showering together, I would also worry about the Sandusky factor, but definitely not from some Scout Leader who happens to have a wedding band that came from another man.

The producer flipped. “Are you saying that all gays are pedophiles?” he shot back angrily.

So, hiding reptilian nature didn’t even get through the first screening question. And that’s failing to clear the low bar that is talk radio. Honestly, I wouldn’t see this as a point of interest to brag about, but then again, I also wouldn’t see the point about babbling about young boy chests either, so apparently I’m just not “morally straight” enough to be allowed in the Conservative Club.

“No,” I said, “but would you let your twelve-year-old daughter sleep in a tent with an eighteen-year-old boy?”

Why is your mind drifting there and why are you instantly assuming sex? Do you assume that any two people who occupy a room together for any given length of time must obviously be sleeping togeth- You know what, is that the time? I really must be going.

He didn’t get my drift,

It was almost like he didn’t understand the inherent sexiness of pre-teen children or something. What a weirdo!

so I had to explain it.

Please don’t.

For a man to find an adolescent sexually attractive is not pedophilia.

Really? Cause that kinda sounds like the exact definition of that-

It is human nature.

… error error abort retry fail…

Yeah, no. And I’m mighty glad for that.

I’m mighty glad that it is not actually human nature to abuse young children to regain a sense of power. That despite being way too common in our society, it is nonetheless an aberration and it is recognized as such thanks to the hard work of feminists before me working tirelessly to undermine “traditional” models of parenting and child-raising that made childhood sexual assault an even more terrifyingly common affair than it is today.

I’m glad that our world has drifted away from a world where people happily sang songs about abusing pre-teens because they are just so “seductive”. Where people are starting, belatedly to recognize some manner of red flags.

It is no more “nature” to want to molest children than it is to wear clothes and vote Republican. It is a sickness and cancer of just the type of “moral authority” that thinks it can judge from on high the lives of queer individuals just living their lives as somehow beneath their creepy child-fetishization cult.

And I’m glad that that world is crumbling and all you cockroaches are losing your favorite hotel to hide behind in order to distract everyone from what true “sexual” “immorality” should actually look like in a sane society.

Pedophilia means an attraction to pre-pubescent children, eleven or younger.

Why is your noise hole still flapping? Are you seriousl-

Holy fuck, he’s actually going to try to make a case for why wanting to fuck pre-pubescent 12 year olds isn’t pedophilia and child molestation isn’t he?

To join the BSA, a boy must be at least eleven.

… It’s natural to have your brain just dissolve into white noise to protect you, right?

The Scouts have always encouraged older adolescents to assume intermediate leadership positions. So it would not be unusual for an eighteen-year-old to share a tent with twelve- and thirteen-year-olds.

Where presumably they then fuck them according to the ancient biological requirements of their male nature. After all, boys will be boys and can’t help themselves. Why didn’t the 12 year olds watch what they were wearing? And sheesh, feminists, why do you have to be such man-haters all the time by believing that men can actually occupy the same space as other people without raping them.

Did I hit all the creepy MRA pedo touchstones cause it’s really starting to feel like I’m reading some channer explain why their Muppet Babies porn is totes okay.

In her classic 1990 book Sexual Personae, Camille Paglia

Nope sorry, quoting Paglia is an instant fail. Sorry, you lose, try again.

blah blah, no really she totes said that all gay men are child fetishists

(paraphrased)

No means no, Jack. No means no.

That much said, gay men may have no more attraction to adolescents than straight men do. For instance, in his autobiography, Roman, director Roman Polanski expressed shock that “I should be sent to prison, my life and career ruined, for making love.” By “making love,” he was referring to the drugging and anal penetration of a thirteen-year-old girl. He saw that as perfectly natural, as, apparently, did much of Hollywood. Its denizens gave Polanski a standing O when he won an Oscar years after fleeing the United States.

In fact, looking back, it seems a lot of rapists and rapists of children identify as straight. Which is why I called on my Scouting program to ban all straight men from being Scout Leaders. Clearly only the out gay men can be trusted with this responsibility.

Whether gay men have more or less attraction to young adolescents is beside the point.

Of course, right, because we already… established that every dude is a child molester if left alone with a child for five seconds.

What they do have is more access.

Yeah, totally, which again explains all the nominally straight dudes molesting children all over the place and you panting heavily over wet boy chests. Definitely proving we need to ban… some form of orientation of leaders, certainly.

Now, in an act of institutional madness, BSA board members are licensing that access. They are putting the gay male in a position in which no one in his right mind would put a straight male. The sane answer to the question, “Would you let your twelve-year-old daughter sleep in a tent with an eighteen-year-old boy?” is, and always will be, “Are you nuts?”

Nooo, I don’t think that’s as universal as you’re assuming inside your Duggar cave. I think most people don’t actually assume child molestation is a natural consequence of adults and children being in close approximation to each other. And the fact that you think this is as evident as 12 year olds totally aren’t children makes me fear for any young child who has ever been so much as 5 feet away from you for any length of time.

What will the leadership tell the parents when the first semi-sanctioned cases of statutory rape come trickling in? More to the point, perhaps, what will the leadership tell the attorneys representing those parents?

The Catholic Church has already faced this quandary. Despite the headlines, only in rare instances was pedophilia the issue.

Nooooooooo, I think child molestation may have been the exact issue. Kind of the most important one certainly. Well, that and the covering up of said child molestation.

The real problem was the age-old one of allowing homosexual men unfettered access to unsuspecting adolescent boys. The Church screens much more carefully now. As a religious institution, it can get away with doing so.

Oh right, it was all the evil fags, infiltrating the mother Church and giving it a bad name. Mmhmm, yup. Man must it be convenient to have every failure of your controlling abuse factories be the fault of a convenient powerless boogyman. Having job problems, it must be the jews. Striking out in the dating scene, it must be black men stealing all the white women away. Had to think about a video game, it must be some women’s fault. Decades of viewing children as property and giving “moral leaders” complete access to a pool of potential victims while covering up their violences in the name of protecting the Church, it must be the queers. No matter what, no responsibility ever has to splash on your clean white coat. After all, it was always the powerless minority’s fault.

It seems ironic that the left was hammering the Catholic Church for its lack of vigilance at the same time it was hammering the BSA for its excess.

Not really. But then, that’s because we’re not firm believers that everyone is a child molester and so were more angry at the Church for hiding its molesters, attacking its victims, and using its massive power to avoid responsibility. While also being mad about the Boy Scouts using a thin veneer of religious hogwash to justify persecuting their queer kids.

But sure, yeah, we’re hypocrites for not being homophobic child molesters. Bad us. Tsk tsk.

This seeming contradiction makes sense

When you down a half-pound of mescaline?

when one understands that the left’s endgame was never to protect children or to advance gay rights.

Oh yeah, right, we were just… distracting the faithful from the ever-scheming hand of Jewish Anti-christ trannies? I’m sorry, I clearly don’t speak ranting conspiracy theory addled fuckwad as well as I used to. You might need to spell this one out for me.

The endgame is to destroy by whatever means necessary the traditional institutions that undergird Western civilization.

Righhhhhht. Of course, we’re just trying to destroy all those “traditional” institutions with the age-old values like raping children and then lying about it. Welp, fair play, you caught us. We really do want to destroy all the ways of life that made child molesters like you think that everyone viewed children the same way. And we won’t stop until every archaic institution gives a fuckton more about creepy fucks like you then some guy named Tom celebrating his 12th anniversary with his husband Phil.

That’s the homosexual/feminist agenda in a nutshell, yesireebob.

Regardless of how the various church groups respond to the new BSA directive, the left has won this battle. Its foot soldiers have broken the feeble resistance of the governing board and eliminated the real Boy Scouts of America from the field. Scout leadership was no better prepared for this war than the French were for theirs in 1940.

From now on, at the top, at least, collaboration will be the name of the game. Within a generation, the Vichy wing of the BSA will collapse under the weight of its own pointlessness, and the resistance will fight on, even if without uniforms.

Be prepared!

And we end with the usual Scott Lively bullshit and calls for violence, but yeah, it runs a little hollow when you try to claim the moral high ground after claiming it is only “natural” for you to lust after some 12 year old girl, because that’s “not really pedophilia”. I’m sorry, you can’t spout that shit and then expect to come off like the sober defender of values. You just can’t.

And it is amazing that losing so many battles against feminists and queer rights activists is revealing you “traditional culture enthusiasts” for what you are and burning away the little pockets you like to hide in to cultivate your victims. And so, I say shine the sun bright into your little troll holes and kill traditional culture so dead that no other child needs fear some fucker who thinks “sexual urges” are so powerful that the natural result of an adult and a child together must be rape.

And then let us cleanse it all with fire.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I don’t think I’ve ever so desperately needed a shower after reading something for this site in my entire life. Ugh…

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. Let’s just dwell on that a second, raping kids is “natural” but being gay isn’t. Teh fuck. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

*Yes, it’s a new post by me, but I’m not going to make any promises whatsoever about being “back”. In truth, I’ve been running in circles trying to build a “sustainable” writing practice and it has consistently failed, so instead, I’m going to try to write where I can and not beat myself up if it means I go a couple of months between posts.