Two-Minute Townhall


She said it was all make-believe, but I thought she said “maple leaves.”

Shorter Michael Medved: The Bush administration may very well do the bidding of a shadowy cabal of politically correct elitists hell-bent on world domination, but there are plenty of reasons to overlook that – including Harriet Miers, Sandra Day O’Connor and Nancy Pelosi.

Shorter Tony Blankley: If you’re not planning to use your vote, may I?

Shorter Paul Greenberg: Not only is Paul Krugman a gloomy columnist, he’s also a lousy writer.

Shorter John Stossel: Every time I fill out some lengthy form at the doctor’s office, I realize the uninsured are the luckiest duckies of all.

Shorter Linda Chavez: Sure, congressional Republicans have created one disaster after another – but the Democrats say they’d do things differently!

Shorter Paul Weyrich: If Curt Weldon really has done something wrong, he should be held accountable – after the election.

Shorter Brent Bozell III: If only CNN were as willing to air propaganda for Americans as they are for the terrorists.

Shorter Ben Shapiro: The Democrats have no platform, except for a bunch of crazy stuff they say they’d do if they’re elected.

Shorter Austin Bay: To confront our terrorist enemies, Congress and the president must be on the same page. Literally.

Shorter Terence Jeffrey: Only a more solidly Republican majority can effectively balance the president’s frequently misguided policies.

Shorter Michelle Malkin: The New York Times ombudsman says he now disagrees with publishing details about a controversial bank monitoring program, yet no Democrats have apologized for their vitriolic rage toward responsible media critics such as myself.

Shorter Walter Williams: There really is no problem in the world that can’t be solved in economics 101.

Shorter Jacob Sullum: As a libertarian, I’m-a split those aces.

Shorter Kathleen Parker: Muslims must cast out the hate-filled extremists from their midst, just as white Southerners have done.

Shorter Jeff Emanuel: Georgia’s Republican governor should, like, tout his family values and stuff.

Shorter William F. Buckley: This Hallowe’en, I shall raise goosepimples on my transluscent flesh with the realization that a Democratic victory would place Nancy Pelosi two heartbeats from the presidency.

Shorter Maggie Gallagher: Gays have unwisely invested their efforts in civil union legislation, which, I’ve warned, leads them away from their goal of undermining traditional marriage.

Shorter Roger Schlesinger: I am continuously amazed that other people find my job so fascinating.

Shorter Janice Crouse, PhD: Our democracy is threatened by the publication of so much information intended to influence the election.

Shorter Jerry Newberry: Nothing swells your heart with pride quite like a freshly painted school.


Comments: 46


They’re only going to get crazier as we get closer to November 7.



That poor page is going to be really worn out. Literally.


Nice Jens Lekman reference you got there.


“Janet Crouse, Ph.D.”

Comment # 1: “in her case, that stands for ‘Piled Higher and Deeper'” Badda-bing! Thankyew very much. I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.

Comment # 2: “is there any chance we can hook her up with Dr. BLT?”


I don’t mind John Stossel when he’s talking about how he wants to marry his cousin. But when he uses his small brain to talk about health care, he makes it obvious what a brain dead philosophy libertarianism is. There’s enough straw in that column to build houses for every pig in America.

Suppose everyone had transportation insurance. The roads would be crowded with Mercedes. Why buy a Chevy if your employer pays?

What if my shit tasted like filet mignon? Would the government prevent me from bottling up my poop and selling it to the public? Is that what you liberals want? People want to eat my shit, but you just want to destroy our freedom.


I miss the doctor of tasty sandwiches. The Annies and Garys of the word just don’t have the joie de vivre of bacon, lettuce and tomato.
And Jose’s too spicy.


That’s “world”. PIMF, if it existed.


I miss the doctor of tasty sandwiches.

Dr. BLT? I don’t know what happened to him. I don’t mind Annie, but Gary’s been working my nerves.

Also, sorry for that last comment. I probably shouldn’t type the first thing that pops in my head.


This Hallowe’en, I shall raise goosepimples on my transluscent flesh with the realization that a Democratic victory would place Nancy Pelosi two heartbeats from the presidency.

The Oval Office Pustule has a heart?

Smiling Mortician

After FDR, there weren’t enough conservative voters around, so Republican congressmen became more liberal in an effort to get re-elected.

Shorter Shorter Blankley: Representative democracy is for wussies.

Smiling Mortician

Well, as long as you don’t write the first thing that poops in your head, Mark S.


You have no idea how much I love THE DOUCHEBAG PARADE that is It looks like something mean liberals would throw together to make conservatives look stupid.


To confront our terrorist enemies, Congress and the president must be on the same page. Literally.



Does that mean Congress and the Prez must be reading the same trashy fiction novel at the same time?

“Dirk, his dark green eyes glaring, knew what had to be done. The terrorists must be dealt with, and by dealt with he knew a deadly blow would be necessary”.

Sorry, I’m a sucker for the Clive Cussler novel.


If it makes you feel better, Mark S., I gave up trying to parody libertarians after one of them argued, in all seriousness, that tenement fires were a “net public benefit” because they were a form of urban renewal… and didn’t us liberals approve of urban renewal?!?

I told him, yeah, and the Triangle Fire was a “net public benefit” because it was such a boost for the union movement, but I still didn’t believe letting young women burn to death was a defensible philosophy. After Libertarian Guy had the Triangle Fire described to him, he proceeded to “explain” that, unimportant personal tragedies aside, surely the Sacred Free Market would have punished the Triangle Shirtwaist Company because the ensuring bad publicity would have depressed its market value. And the fact that HE had never heard of the Triangle Shirtwaist Company before meant that it probably wasn’t that big of a deal anyway…

You might as well make fun of these people, because treating them as if they were capable of rational argument will only make you crazy.


Most Libertarians are full of shit. The l’aissez faire brand of economics they espouse usually have certain caveats in their minds, not because it’s part of the Ayn Rand dictionary but because there’s a part of their brains that reluctantly remains human and slightly compassionate. Then the social policy comes into play, and the shit flies. Drugs? Gays? Depends on which Stosselbot you ask, as the platform shifts from “do anything” to ” whatever you can get away with” to “whatever the populace agrees to”.
Dipshits, all of them.


As you know I am a big fan of Tony Blankley, he who works for the moonies, however your synopsis of Ms. Parker makes me almost want to read her. Almost


Yeah, Anne, they are beyond parody. Here is my favorite:

Shantytowns might well be more creative than a dead city core. Some of the best Brazilian music came from the favelas of Salvador and Rio. The slums of Kingston, Jamaica, bred reggae. New Orleans experienced its greatest cultural blossoming in the early 20th century, when it was full of shanties. Low rents make it possible to live on a shoestring, while the population density blends cultural influences. Cheap real estate could make the city a desirable place for struggling artists to live. The cultural heyday of New Orleans lies in the past. Katrina rebuilding gives the city a chance to become an innovator once again.

See, it’s not all bad. Maybe we can get a few good tunes out of it. There’s always a bright spot, as long as the government doesn’t take any of my precious money.



Muslims must cast out the hate-filled extremists from their midst, just as white Southerners have done.

Bwah-hah-hah! Sorry. Anyhow, the comments of that ‘un aren’t all that surprising, as a lot of folks don’t think it’s fair at all the Klan is compared to jihad or that white Southerners (or all white Americans) born in the past fifty years don’t carry a measure of responsibility and shame for the status quo of the South (and the rest of America) during most of the fucking 20th century*. Oh, and that black and gay activists have more in common with the Klan of old. Also, a whole lot of folks poo-pooing the idea that the Klan ever had any real power and, even if it did, it’s a ghost today and has been since, like, 1910 or something.

Booshwa, of course. I grew up in rural Mississippi during the ’80s, and while it wasn’t as public or as strong, the Klan definately had power and they without a doubt had massive support. In high school during the whole build-up to college and all that nonsense you gotta go through, I ran into a disturbing number of folks who said they’d happily join the Klan, but it’d look bad on transcripts. There was no rhyme or reason to it, rich kids and poor kids, kids who’d played sports with black kids all their lives, kids who said I was a bad person for not going to church as much as they did. From what I understand – and Creative Loafing’s John Sugg does a great job with this stuff – the Klan’s stronger now thant it was when I was a boy.

I really can’t and thus won’t speak for the rest of the country with regards to racism, either its history or its prevelence in modern society, nor will I speak for anyone but your average Southern white boy shmuck trying to get through the day, but the South is still weird when it comes to its history. It’s almost like we’ve all agreed not to talk about it because it would just be rude. Maybe it all ties into that “Southern hospitality” thing, which is one of the cosmos’ most two-faced inventions. We just don’t want you to know what we really think about you when we’re serving you sweet tea and cold cathead biscuits.

Google Eric Rudolph’s capture and take a gander at how much support that jackass got, and not just from the yay-hoos who helped him hide for so long. Roy Moore got a whole lot of support, a lot more than you might think in places you might not think he’d get it. The problem comes not from these loonies, who are in the minority, but from the rest of the South. Get along to go along, and that sums it up. Maybe the majority of the population weren’t in the Klan back in the Good Old Days When Things Were Bad, but far too few did anything to stop them or even slow them down.

The Klan and the South’s history as far as racism is concerned (which, of course, touches almost every aspect of Southern history) is something to be ashamed of, and as a society, the South is ashamed of it. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t still exist and it certainly doesn’t mean way too many good Southerners are seeing something that passes for truth in that particular evil.

* Just for this discussion. The “status quo” was an entirely different beast pre-Reconstruction and pre-Civil War, and should be treated thusly, I think. The main difference is, in the 20th Century, we owned up to being “wrongish” but we didn’t really act any differently.


Why does Buckley write for Townhall, anyway? I think I mean this, but isn’t he slumming?


As you know I am a big fan of Tony Blankley, he who works for the moonies, however your synopsis of Ms. Parker makes me almost want to read her. Almost

Yeah, well I did.

Damn you, Travis! Mona Charen had pretty much replaced Kathleen Parker in my affections as the ‘Stupidest Fucking Woman In America,’ but I just had to click over there and read that crap.

Here’s the money quote:

“Same story, different sheets.”

Oh yes, she did.


Speaking of sheets, the knights of the GOP ride again in Tennessee.


Wow. Stossel has an uncanny ability to keep becoming a bigger dick.
Insurance companies are wasteful, therefore health insurance is bad.
Fuck you, John Stossel


Well, let’s see. Raining in St. Louis. Nothing new on Sadly, No! Nothing unfrozen to cook. What shall we do? We’re having a bit of a debate about what is/isn’t terrorism over at my crappy little blog if you want to chime in. But otherwise, let’s just accept that the Detroit bats are gonna come back big later tonight, after many of you farther east have gone to visit the sandman….



And equally, let’s accept that Rachel Ray is hot. Talkin food porn…

Just Sayin


Smiling Mortician

hey, mikey, you still here? I just watched a clip of Wes Clark on O’Reilly over at Crooks and Liars, and I must say your guy is good. One of the few I’ve ever seen manage to get Bill to shut up not once, not twice, but three times — based only on his sheer logical authority to speak. Of course BO was still a ridiculous pig, but Clark handles him beautifully and with courage. Example: he actually interrupted Bill (successfully, no mean feat) in order to defend George Soros as a good man. How many Dems would dare defend Soros in public, the way he’s been demonized? Anyway, my point: count me in on your Clark ’08 campaign.

Smiling Mortician

BTW, mikey, tried to chime in on your blog’s terra debate, but I’m getting an internal server error. The intertubes, they are conspiring against me.


Blogger hates freedom, SM, but I’d love to hear what you have to say. Stay with ’em, my friend…

Oh, and it’s hard to challenge the moral OR intellectual authority of Wes Clark. Decorated vet, Rhodes Scholar and all around pragmatist. He represents hope, folks…



Lemme just say:

In February 1970, then age 25, Clark was shot four times by a Viet Cong sniper. He had injuries to his right shoulder, right hand, right hip and right leg. He managed to shout commands to troops, who launched a counterattack and defeated the enemy force. He was awarded the Bronze Star and Silver Star. The citation for his Silver Star said of the event:

Wesley Clark
As the friendly force maneuvered through the treacherous region, it was suddenly subjected to an intense small arms fire from a well-concealed insurgent element. Although painfully wounded in the initial volley, Captain Clark immediately directed his men on a counter-assault of the enemy positions. With complete disregard for his personal safety, Captain Clark remained with his unit until the reactionary force arrived and the situation was well in hand. His courageous initiative and exemplary professionalism significantly contributed to the successful outcome of the engagement. Captain Clark’s unquestionable valor in close combat against a hostile force is in keeping with the finest traditions of the military service and reflects great credit upon himself, the 1st Infantry Division, and the United States Army.

This, my friends, is courage. What we have seen from bush and cheney is not. When you are bleeding out and you stay with your men, organizing a coherent defense and holding the line until REACT gets there, that’s balls. That’s the kind of leadership that scared privates follow. That’s the kind of leadership I followed. That’s the kind of courage we need. When your Sgt. or El Tee or Captain goes right up and leads you, B40s and twelve sevens crackin around and all you wanna do is dig a neck deep hole and some fucking officer with balls and style tells you to put out rounds and counter attack, you feel like maybe you’ll live and you fucking DO IT. Americal needs that leader now.



The official DNC list of what is and is not racist!

1. Looking at Harold Ford the wrong way
2. Suggesting that Harold Ford likes women
3. Using drums in ads refering to Harold Ford

Not Racist:
1. Putting Michael Steele in blackface, or putting Joe Lieberman in blackface
2. Affirmative Action

That’s your DNC update from Chairman Dean!


Hey Gary. I thought your guys were gonna protect us from the muslims. Seems all you got is spinning political ads. You give up on teh terrorists? ‘Cause we’ll protect you if you’re scared…


Smiling Mortician

Not Racist:
1. Putting Michael Steele in blackface

Uh, Gar? Honey? Michael Steele is . . . oh wow, how do I say this? . . . Gary, sweetie, Michael Steele is actually, um, black.

And you really should stop looking at Harold Ford that way. It’s not racist, but it’s kinda creepy. And he’s just not that into you.


Don’t be so hard on him. Some of Gary’s best friends are darkies.


Lucifer Morningstar

Shorter Linda Chavez: Sure, congressional Republicans have created one disaster after another – but the Democrats say they’d do things differently!

[giggles uncontrollably]

“Oh, noes!!1!”


Whose turn is it to reboot the Garbot?


Rachel Ray scares me.
*googles her up*
Oh, wait. No, this is definatly not fear that I am experiancing.
Who is it then? There’s this crazy, speed-addicted talk show host on TV, like, seriously in need of some good horse tranqs or something. SHE scares me.
..Coulda sworn her name was Rachel Ray… maybe it’s Rachel something else?

I like how that went.
Mikey: Wesley Clark is a documented war hero and a damn fine man.
Gary: But a blogger put Lieberman in blackface! Bwa-hahaha! Victory is mine!

You know that scene in the Three Amigos, where they think they’re doing a show, and are riding around like idiots, whooping and firing blanks and making rediculious taunts, and the bandits are just like, “WTF, mate?”
I kinda feel like that everyday.


Whose turn is it to reboot the Garybot?

Good question. I’d stay away from the process, meself, seems likely to result in self demolition.


The official DNC list of what is and is not racist! …..

2. Suggesting that Harold Ford likes women

So, Baghdad Gary, if that was supposed to be part of a negative political ad, just why do you think it was in there? You surely don’t believe Republicans would consider that in itself to be a negative attack, what with their hatred of gays. There couldn’t be another reason a (young) white woman was used to insinuate that Ford likes white women, could there?

3. Using drums in ads refering to Harold Ford

Yeah. I hear tribal African drums in all sorts of political ads…


Only 4 wounds for Wesley Clark? Too few. Michelle Malkin will insinuate that Wesley self-inflicted them. Garybot will state that the fact is Wesley was leading a Viet Cong column that day.

John Stossel has the logic & brain power of a retarded donut.



I think I’m being insultimated here!


Mmmmmm …

John Stossel


How in the fuck can you read all that shit without your head exploding?
Do you have some kind of specially designed mask that you wear so when you begin to projectile vomit it doesn’t get on your screen or keyboard?
Travis, you are a better man than me. My guts were churning after perusing Mr. Porn Mustache’s column and then had to take a break after KP. How you do it, I will never understand.


I grew up in rural Mississippi during the ’80s, and while it wasn’t as public or as strong, the Klan definately had power and they without a doubt had massive support.

I can vouch for this one.

There’s nothing quite like driving along Hwy 90 (that’s the road running along the Gulf that had all the casinos, before Katrina), and right there at 90 and 49 in front of the mall and Gulfport lighthouse, were Klansman cheerfully passing out pamphlets to passing motorists. And the people were cheerfully taking them. That was in 87 or 88.

Also y’all may remember that Jesse Jackson was considering the Presidency. Some of his supporters put out a “Run, Jesse, Run!” bumper sticker, in encouragement.

The local bubbas thought it was hilarious to put that sticker on their FRONT bumpers.

Yeah, white Southerners have weeded out the racists. And I have a bridge in St. Louis Bay to sell that bimbo, Parker.


Why does Buckley write for Townhall, anyway? I think I mean this, but isn’t he slumming?

I think he doesn’t write for TownHall so much as TownHall carries his syndicated column. Given how low WFB’s profile has become over the last decade, he’s probably grateful for their patronage.


Huzzah Jens Lekman lyric! You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Jens live.


IIRC: Kathleen Parker is quite the hate-filled Southerner herself.
Please let me know if they decide to purge her from their midst; I wanna watch.

Mikey, you can count me in for Clark as well. I just don’t like to talk about it much because of the embarrassing crush I have on him.


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