Two-Minute Townhall


Tramps like us and we like tramps.

Shorter Michael Medved: As long as there are elections to be won and a government to eliminate, economic and religious conservatives will find just enough to agree on.

Shorter Walter Williams: Instead of complaining about income disparity, Democrats should teach the poor to invent Google.

Shorter Maggie Gallagher: Unlike cigarettes or foie gras, trans-fat is an unnatural, unnecessary and unhealthy man-made product the government should consider banning.

Shorter Thomas Sowell: Liberal Democrats want to throw the taxpayers’ money at irresponsible behavior, while I would urge conservative Republicans to do the same with their votes.

Shorter Ben Shapiro: Let’s dispense with the niceties: If you aren’t working for us, you’re working against us.

Shorter Tony Blankley: Democrats aren’t fit to govern until their leaders agree on all the issues.

Shorter Jacob Sullum: As a libertarian, I hold little esteem for those who can’t handle their liquor.

Shorter John Stossell: I’m not saying people shouldn’t be able to sue a business when they have been harmed, but there should be consequences if you don’t win your lawsuit against a deep-pocketed corporation with in-house counsel.

Shorter Terence Jeffrey: Sure, the Bush adminstration grossly miscalculated the risk of sectarian violence in Iraq, but let’s give them a chance to fix things.

Shorter Brent Bozell III: Only Republicans have a right to be outraged by Mark Foley’s behavior, because we’ve been against Brokeback since way back.

Shorter Michelle Malkin: It’s wrong for journalists to criticize the government in their private time, but it’s appropriate for them to promote the government while on the job.

Shorter Joel Mowbray: I’d probably be accused of bigotry if I objected to a congressional candidate because he’s Muslim, so I’ll just say he’s not fit to serve because of his shadowy ties to the nation’s largest Islamic organzation.

Shorter Austin Bay: All right, China, it’s time to put up or shut up when it comes to getting tough with North Korea.

Shorter Patrick Buchanan: The U.S. would be wise to let Asian nations determine their nuclear supremacy amongst themselves.

Shorter William F. Buckley: North Korea mocks us with its possession of nuclear weapons, as this fictional account will attest.

Shorter Kathryn Jean Lopez: I say we let kids be kids, and scrap the congressional page program.

Shorter Jonah Goldberg: Liberals should remain silent about American fascism until their paranoid fantasies come true, at which point I’m all ears.

Shorter Paul Weyrich: With hindsight, I should’ve given the right-wing propaganda machine I helped build a chance to spin the Foley situation before I called for Hastert’s resignation.

Shorter Rich Lowry: Ned Lamont bears ultimate responsibility for a nuclear North Korea.

Shorter Johannes L. Jacobse: For encouraging their children to join the military, I hearby nominate Baby Boomers as the second greatest generation.

Shorter John Zmirik: Universities often tolerate homosexuals at the expense of innocent Christians who simply wish to express themselves by denouncing the sinful nature of homosexuals.

Shorter Caroline B. Glick: North Korea stand as a stark reminder that only tough talk will keep nukes out of the hands of tyrannical madmen like Iran and Pakistan.


Comments: 41


I don’t understand why the Townhall posse isn’t holding Maggie down while the “Libertarians” in the crowd kick her ass for advocating for FDA-style Communism. Is it because they were lulled to into a coma by her first sentence, “Listen, I’m a small-government conservative”?

I do applaud the new spirit of honest self-introspection embodied in the Pillsbury Pantload’s latest mea culpa:
Intellectuals look at the world through literary prisms of theory. They come up with a vision of the world – one that usually magnifies their importance – and then select facts accordingly.


Pat Buchanan actually sounds pretty reasonable from his ‘shorter’ version. He’s the only one, though.


close tags are for suckers.


Shorter Gary Ruppert: Blah blah blah Bush rules blah blah Dems are evil.


Here’s a close tag:

Did that help?


You’re welcome.


Watch it Sinfonian, you risked being marked for death by the islmfaoscists.


Goddam wingnuts came over here, stole the preview button, left a Flaming bag of Poo ™ on the porch and ran…

Get off my lawn!!



Once we start closing our tags, the islmfaoscists have already won.


oh, no…..


So, where are the Libs calling for Harry Reid to resign for his role in a corrupt land deal?


I heard about his totally legitimate land deal; did he make a corrupt one, too?


Actually looking up the facts of a given situation just shows the left wing terrorist-loving bias of the common tater in question.

Smiling Mortician

Dammit, I clicked through to Malkin again. I’ve gotta stop doing that. But Travis’ shorters sound so completely absurd, I’m thinking No way anyone could really say that. So I click through, and — omigod, it’s worse. It’s so much worse than Travis could ever indicate in a shorter.

The horror. The horror. Please stop me before I read Goldberg.

Must. Trust. Travis.


Shorter Cory Lidle: Bam!


I think that Bill Clinton should resign retroactively effective immediately per his involvement in creating the conditions which enabled the Foley scandal.


Shorter Walter Williams: Instead of complaining about income disparity, Democrats should teach the poor to invent Google.

I stand in awe. Well done sir.


Once again, Travis, you make Rich Lowry sound more intelligent in summary than he is unabridged. He should hire you as his editor, as his current one leaves the saliva spatters on the page for all to see.


The fact is infield defense is going to cost Oakland a trip to the World Series…



Intellectuals look at the world through literary prisms of theory. They come up with a vision of the world

I thought the problem with intellectuals was that they were obssessed with reality, and with studying it judiciuosly. Oh, wait, that’s the Republican talking point for sunday, tuesday, thursday, and friday. On the other days, the talking point is that intellectuals are divorced from reality. Sorry.


Rag Doll Physics with GWB. You’ll dig it!

Thank you, Travis. You deserve a break, so let the chimps fall where they may fall.

I used to force myself to read some of the Townhall buttholes on Creators, feeling that it’s always better to be aware of what the loonies are loonying about. I’d read the really excellent writers I liked, like Molly Ivins, Joe Conason, Paul Craig Roberts, Deb Price, Robert Scheer…. and then I’d grimly turn my attention to Malkin… or Olasky (although I usually didn’t have the stomach for that), Brent Bozo… Buchanan…but now I don’t have to torture myself anymore.


Doesn’t Gar-Bear have limited time on computers at the nursing home? He must fake swallow his medication and spit it out later. Years of that has made him angry and batshit crazy.

But it really is remarkable that he finds time to troll so many websites and recite verbatim GOP talking points because they take time to memorize and internalize as well.


Wait–where’s Roger Schlesinger’s investment spam? Er–column?


I must go look for Schlesinger’s advice. I have all of this real estate / annuities / IRAs / estates to deal with RIGHT NOW, and I need him to tell me what to do!!!!


Found it. (Whew!)

Shorter Roger Schlesinger: Hey, buddy, wanna buy a house??


The scary thing is even when reduced to snark Buchanan’s point makes sense to me. Why oh god why???


Actually, Buchanan has been sounding more sensible recently. I wonder whether he is really rejoining the world of reality, or is it that all the other wingnuts have outflanked him at the extreme end of wingnut-o-fascism.


Every few years, ol’ Pat says something actually useful and more or less correct. Being only 75% batshit crazy, his reasonable, principled side has to show itself now and again–sort of like how Spock would show flashes of his human half by wrecking stuff and acting all pissed off. Scares you every time.

But fear not; it will fade. Always does.


Bozell’s was a doozy. In short, if you support the ACLU, you support Mark Foley’s behavior.


Bozell looking like the bad guy in “The Golden Child” is no coincidence


wait, I meant Ghostbusters

man I’m dizzy


The U.S. would be wise to let Asian nations determine their nuclear supremacy amongst themselves.

I’m with MCH. Buchanan still occasionally displays internal consistency in his belief system. And The American Conservative has certainly pounded this administration’s foreign policy for a while. One of their regulars even got away with endorsing Kerry in ’04. Gods, I want to weep when I realize that Pat Buchanan sounds saner than most Republican politicians and pundits. If I cry hard enough, will they stop the ride?

As a libertarian, I hold little esteem for those who can’t handle their liquor.

Hmm, I dunno. I’ve actually agreed with every “Shorter Jacob Sullum” I’ve seen so far, but I’m not sure what this one’s about. If he thinks the real measure of a man is to be able to knock back bourbon neat, without passing out, then feh.

Okay, I’ve grudgingly clicked through. It derides alcoholism as an excuse for bad behavior. Sample quotes:

‘Picturing Foley staggering [drunk] into the House Chamber to cast a vote is supposed to make us think better of him.’

‘Does anyone really believe that alcohol made Mel Gibson temporarily anti-Semitic, causing him to rail against the Jews when he was pulled over in Malibu for drunk driving? Or that Bob Ney, the Republican congressman from Ohio who mentioned “a dependence on alcohol” when he pleaded guilty to corruption charges, was driven by demon rum to accept lobbyists’ goodies in exchange for official favors?’

So I still want to have Mr. Sullum’s libertarian babies. Again, why is he at Townhall? You’d think they would have beaten him to death with a Cheeto-stained Scofield Bible by now.


wait, I meant Ghostbusters

man I’m dizzy

He definitely has no dick.


Hey – I actually learned something from little Mrs. Malkinwald! Did you know that Roger Ailes is fat?
Neither did I.
Thanks Michelle, you’ll always be my favorite anchor baby.


Shorter Hugh Hewitt: “Trust Roger Schlesinger. I did and my unsightly manboobs just melted away.”


I, too have noticed the Buchananator makes sense once in a while, but I believe part of it’s because the neo-cons make such little.

Gary, how many times have you copied and pasted that one-liner? I’ve seen it three times in the last eight hours on separate threads.
Troll-bottin’, like presidentin’ is hard work.

And I must repeat: GO TIGERS!


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Shitminster Harrier



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