Sunday Morning Insomnia Sports Thread
I can’t sleep. Maybe after I’m done posting this, I’ll konk myself out by reading some more Gravity’s Rainbow (it’s taken me two months to get through 200 pages, though I admit the second part of the book is much, much easier to read than the first part).
But before then, here’s two quick thoughts…
1.) Everyone should be banned from baseball. Check it out:
Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte and Miguel Tejada were among the players that a former major league pitcher accused of using performance-enhancing drugs, according to a federal agent’s affidavit, the Los Angeles Times reported Saturday on its Web site.
The agent for Clemens and Pettitte denied the accusations. Baltimore teammates Brian Roberts, Jay Gibbons and Tejada also were implicated in the sworn statement, the Times said; an Orioles spokeswoman said the team had not seen the report and had no comment.
Y’know, I’m normally inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt, but since every damn player who’s been accused of steroid use has turned out to be a steroid user, I’m not feelin’ so generous. I’ve suspected Clemens was a juicer for a while now, since most guys don’t post career-best seasons after the age of 40. Nor am I surprised to learn the Brian Roberts is a juicer. Look at the progression of his OPS over the years:
2002: .605
2003: .704
2004: .720
2005: .903
But yeah, I’m sure that 2005 season was just the result of hard work and weight training. Oh, and also jamming lots of needles up his ass.
2.) The Patriots are going to get crushed this week. Our secondary is shaky enough as is, and now our #1 cornerback and our starting free safety are out too. Carson Palmer, Chad Johnson and T.J. I’mtoolazytocheckhowhisnameisspelt are going to have a bloody field day, while poor Tom Brady will again be relegated to dumping off three-yard screen passes to Kevin Faulk. I’m sure loyal Bengals fan Travis G. will be some more insight during the game (not to mention more bwah-ha-ha’s after his team goes up 38-0 at the half).
Also: can I mention how much I admire loyal Bengals fans? Y’all had to put up with a lot of stupid-ass bullshit with your team over the years (Ki-Jana Carter! Akili Smith!), and it looks like you’re finally being rewarded. That said, the “Who dey” chant is still fucking retarded.
OK, I’m gonna try going back to bed now. Thomas Pynchon, work your magick!!!
I had been wondering why Pettitte left the Yanks with Clemens…. I guess only the candyman really knows.
Houshamenzadeh, I think. Yes, he kicks ass most righteously.
If you’re finding the Pychhon hard going, uou might want to check out “A Gravity’s Rainbow Companion” by Steven Weisenburger (U. of Georgia Press, 1988). The book is organized parallel to GR, chapter by chapter, into short entries that clarify the numerous allusions and references in the book.
I tried to read GR several times and I couldn’t get past the first few chapters until someone recommended the “Companion,” at which point the reading actually became enjoyable.
Hey, that’s not fair. Ki-Jana Carter got hurt his first play in preseason his rookie year. He was a complete kickass running back for Penn State and a good bet to be a great pro. Nothing wrong with that pick. Akili Smith? Under the bus with you, buddy!
I tried to read GR several times and I couldn’t get past the first few chapters until someone recommended the “Companion,� at which point the reading actually became enjoyable.
Well, the first 150 pages are an absolute bitch the first time you read them. I’m 50 pages into the second section, and it is much, much easier to follow. I’m even going back and re-reading the first section and am finding it much easier to understand. I think that, like ULYSSES, the book trains you how to read it- you just have to stick with it and eventually something will click. (though I still have trouble distinguishing when characters are and are not hallucinating)
What the hell. Winning and putting up numbers is all that matters now. Besides, we’re running out of asterisks for the record books. My solution: make steroids mandatory for all sports. It’s simple. Anyone found not performing up to drug-enhanced levels has to take a shower with Jose Canseco. “Bend over, Terrell, Jose’s got a present for you.”
And let’s do away with those disabled lists while we’re at it. I don’t care if you do have a pulled groin, get the fuck out there and entertain my ass.
Rollerball, baby.
Our secondary?
Oh lord, the steroid thang. I’ve done some major rants on this, but here’s the short form. Who cares? Players have always sought an edge, and now that the money’s so huge, they’re gonna continue to look for anything. It’s never going to stop, there’s no way to stop it. Hell, it’s in it’s infancy. In a few years it will be DNA mods, way more effective and completely undetectable. Relax and enjoy the increased performance, I say. The games are entertainment, not life and death. And we like home runs, 80 yard passes and hundred point games. Let’s go!
mikey
I hate the Phillies. So much. That’s two years in a row they’ve strung the wild-card race out until the last week and then dropped a lead to shitty teams. Aaaaaaaaargh.
Oh, sorry. You were saying?
Our secondary?
Oh crap! I’ve fallen into the super-pathetic trap of referring to my favorite sports teams in the first person plural! Fuck!
In my defense, though, I wrote this at 4 in the morning and wasn’t totally with it. Am I less lame now?
Brad says:
I think that, like ULYSSES, the book trains you how to read it- you just have to stick with it and eventually something will click.
In fact, someone used exactly this to describe modernism. It trains you how to read it, teaches you how to read it–something like that.
A voice in my head is telling me it was Jay McInerney, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. (The voice, and the idea.)
Next, try JR.
I think the truth is that “Brad R.” actually is on the Patriots coaching staff. That makes more sense that just being a devoted fan. YOU ARE OUTED SIR.
Tom Brady is good, he’s from the Big 10, but he was played a fool by the Patriots – he took way less than he was worth, to help the team retain the players he needs to be as good as he is. Well, the genius coach, & I’m not looking up how to spell his name, is a jerk & the team will no longer be any good. That’s too bad.
My God! Not the Bungles!
Never bet against Brady after a loss…
Nice one Brad- you don’t deserve to enjoy this one- Pats roll, baby!
As a Bengals fan, I was overjoyed to see our ‘triplets’ show up against New England. A changing of the guard, if you will. Unfortunately, the triplets in question were Gus Frerotte, Ki-Jana Carter and Jeff Query.
I hate them, and by extension, myself.
“coldH2Owi said,
October 1, 2006 at 22:44
Tom Brady is good, he’s from the Big 10, but he was played a fool by the Patriots – he took way less than he was worth, to help the team retain the players he needs to be as good as he is. Well, the genius coach, & I’m not looking up how to spell his name, is a jerk & the team will no longer be any good. That’s too bad.”
lol!
I think that, like ULYSSES, the book trains you how to read it- you just have to stick with it and eventually something will click.
Pynchon says: Sucker! My experience was roughly like yours; there were a hundred pages in the third part when I figured I’d pretty much caught up, and then the last part just left me in the dust. (I still highly recommend it. I’d like to reread it someday.)
I’ve never finished Ulysses, though, so you’re probably just better at this than I am.
As a person without an observable interest in most sports, I wholeheartedly support the hijacking of this thread for literary purposes.
I’ve read both GR and Ulysses. It took me three tries to finish the Pynchon and six to finish the Joyce. I’ve since re-read GR but have never revisited Ulysses except a few favorite bits and pieces. Someone asked me once about Ulysses whether it’s a good read. My response is that it’s good to have read it . . .
And as for me, I’m somewhat anxiously awaiting next month’s release of Pynchon’s latest. Because you have to read books by a guy named Ruggles who publishes huge, yawping tomes at a rate of slightly more than once per generation.
I dunno. I really don’t get it. If it’s that hard, well…
I read crappy fiction (Robert Crais, Stephen Hunter, Dennis Lehane, John R. Maxim) or physics and cosmology) for fun. I don’t find any dificulty with them. Should I be taking on more “challenging” works? Am I missing out by actually enjoying my reading?
And hey, it really doesn’t matter right now. The american baseball playoffs begin on tuesday, so not a lot of reading is going to get done the next thirty daze….
mikey
Watching the sunday night game right now, and did anyone realize that the Bears have someone on their team guilty of a hate crime? Maybe the Bears don’t want any fans who are jewish; or maybe the NFL thinks no jews will watch tv tonight.
Ricky Manning Jr.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ricky_Manning,_Jr.
Good God, Brad.
I’m just now checking in after two jugs of Bell’s Oktobrefest and a thorough ass-whupping, and all I’ve got to say is that Ki-Jana Carter’s jersey is quite popular among the homeless population. (No one wears Big Daddy Wilkinson jerseys.) Being a Bengals fan is nothing like wearing a red Steve Grogan jersey. Nothing.
PS-DS? Jeff Query? F’real, man. Are you afraid of Don Hollas and Carl Pickens?
I care about the steroids, Mikey. Here’s my logic. I looked up to athletes as a kid; I enjoy their exploits, I love to see them prosper and succeed. I don’t want to see them die young. Off label steroid use is deleterious to your body and can shorten your life. But if their use isn’t regulated, all athletes have to take them or consign themselves to lesser competitive status. So athletes have to endanger their healths and lives to stay at the highest levels. They aren’t cardboard cutouts, storybook characters; they’re real people, and when they die, they die real deaths. So, no, I don’t want sanctioning bodies to just wink at steroid use; I want them to stop the rat race.
Watching the sunday night game right now, and did anyone realize that the Bears have someone on their team guilty of a hate crime? Maybe the Bears don’t want any fans who are jewish; or maybe the NFL thinks no jews will watch tv tonight.
Maybe the Bears are just hoping their fans will remember the glory days.
http://www.ujc.org/content_display.html?ArticleID=144166
Should I be taking on more “challenging� works? Am I missing out by actually enjoying my reading?
Just one opinion here, but . . . I’m a big believer in mixing it up. I like to read both trashy, just-for-the-sick-fun-of-it novels and difficult books about complex and significant ideas. The latter often kick my ass for a while before I kick theirs. I feel the same way about movies.
boy, were you wrong. go pats!
What somebody said above is true. The first hundred and something pages of GR are a bit of a slog, but you’re arcing down the other side of the parabola from there.
Come on, Travis.
You know as well as I do that nothing beats an “NFL” team whose #1 receiver is a white guy with a blonde mullet. If he had a soft blonde mustache in addition, he would probably still be a folk hero in Adams County.
The fact that a scant four years ago there was serious talk about Joe Germaine starting a game at quarterback reminds me how lucky we are in the Marvin era.
Smiling Mortician:
I totally agree, but I doubt I will ever finish Ulysses. It’s gotten to the point where I hate the sight of the goddamned thing.
Oh, and football folks: People, please. Try being a Lions fan. Although I was too busy recovering from the stroke the Tigers gave me to watch them suck yesterday.
Hey Brad ‘The Greek” —
Please make your Isomnia Sports Column a staple, just so I’ll know to bet against whatever you might say. Wow. I mean, it really was the complete opposite of what you were saying. Any insights into next week yet?
Go Pats! Brady will have to suffer with $10 mil/per.
JB
PS: They won a Super Bowl in 2001 with the starting WR tandem of Troy Brown and some guy I can’t remember, with the running stylist Antwan Smith in the backfield, just so you can get off the ledge and back on the bandwagon.
Don’t worry, the Pats are going to be fine. Certainly back in the playoffs, and maybe back in the Super Bowl.
These steroid accusations all came from sad-sack reliever Jason Grimsley, who apparently didn’t take the right stuff because he didn’t turn into Roger Clemens. Anyway, when exactly was Clemens supposed to have started using? It’s not like he had a bad couple of years and suddenly bounced back, right?
I read Gravity’s Rainbow in college and didn’t get a word of it. I’m dipping into it now (once I finish Wittgenstein’s Poker, which is pretty cool), and it’s much easier. I’m actually glad more people report it’s easier on the second read.
I was really afraid it made more sense this time around because I have more experience with altering my own state of reality through little buddy things these days. I’m still not quite sure it ain’t, in any event.
Nancy, you are not alone. Believe me. http://www.detroitlionsforum.com/forums/
Why thank you, gjdodger.