Who am I? Why am I here?

We interrupt this blog to bring you a special announcement: One Gavin (The Big G) M. has been called away on important, yet non-Sadly, No! related, business. He has asked that we let you know that the Day By Day contest is still on. We now leave you with this Deep Thought:

If conservative views make you a Rottweiler, what do liberal views make you? A French Poodle?

Leave your answer, or a comment, in the comments.


Comments: 91


A loyal, compasionate, patriotic American?



a human being?


Rats, Firefox remembered a joke name I posted with…


Rats, Firefox remembered a joke name I posted with…

Biggus Dickus?


Well, when I think of what Bush policies are doing to this country, a spitz.


I’m leaning towords “puma”.


A wiener dog. C’mon, people. That just solves itself.


A Jack Russell, small but feisty and it’s good at cornering and killing rats.


Funny… I was just taking my daily office constitutional and wondered what’s going on in Chris Muir’s tinyverse.

I think these two could benefit from a course of treatment, for starters.


People. Hey, dogs are great and all, but we’re smarter than any stinkin’ dog.


> If conservative views make you a Rottweiler, what do liberal views make you? A French Poodle?

Human, all too human.


…guess it would make me a guy trying to keep a dog from humping his leg and sniffin his ass.


A speeding 4×4, metaphorically speaking.


conservatives are rottweilers?

i was unaware that rottweilers were constantly cowering in fear.


A robot rotweiller. That can fly and shoot bullets out it’s eyes. Because we’re cooler.


The ‘right’ answer is: a border collie or a Saint Bernard or some other dog that’s been bred to save lives (livestock or people), rather than a half-mad canine sidewinder as likely to attack its owner as an intruder.

But along the lines of “speeding 4×4”, a rolled-up newspaper is probably a better answer.


Perhaps a Great Dane, or a Fabulous American.

Conservative rottie — or is that rotter? — it does have kind of a ring, doesn’t it?


The Rottweiler’s Master.


I’m a nice guy and all, but I can kick a Rottweiler’s head in if I felt so inclined.

Dogs shit on grass and don’t wipe their asses. They are dependent on humans for food and shelter. That’s an interesting euphemism for wingnut welfare.


If conservative views make you a Rottweiler, what do liberal views make you? A French Poodle?

-No. More like a catch pole.


Claw from The Magic Christian.


Ah, the famous last words of Admiral James Stockdale, candidate for Vice President in 1992. R.I.P.

Liberals are like my neighbors’ big, black Labrador Retriever: don’t know their own size, think they’re still puppies, love everyone, and slobber all over you. At least, that’s what my neighbors’ Lab does.


looking at a list of American Dog Breeds, I would go with the [misnamed] Australian Shepherd or Malamute.

Rottweiler doesn’t sound, well, American to me. Sounds kinda German: isn’t that in Europe?


I’m starting to think that Muir’s strip is an alcoholic’s desperate cry for help.

My proof? “Chris Muir Cartoon” is an anagram for “A Cirrhotic Mourns.”

And yes. It *has* been a slow day.


Rottweilers my ass. Conservatives are more like young black labs, the pecker-sniffers of dog breeds, always looking to stick their nose in America’s crotch.


A veterinarian


I think it makes me a shock-collar.


Dogs are slobbering ass-lickers. Conservatives know themselves best, I suppose.


Liberals are cats, excellent at ridding the place of vermin, once you wake us up and get us interested. Fierce, cool, sleek, merciless hunting machines, yet capable of taking great joy in play and affection.

As I write this, my own fierce, sleek hunting machine is asleep with her head on my foot, purring (or possibly snoring) lightly.


Of course beaten to my answer, “Human?”
And why? Because it’s the obvious answer, and one that conservatives would never come up with because conservatives don’t think that way, or consider humanity in any way desirable.

So you go on ahead, my conservative pals, and be some stupid vicious animal that shits anywhere and rolls in it, that mindlessly attacks at the order of someone they’ve fixated on, that requires handouts and help to even survive.

And we’ll be the human beings who patch up the wounds and clean up the shit you’ve left. Okay, then?


a shark with laser beams on its head? (sorry, had to)


An Alakan Malamute. Great sense of humor, smart and independent.


Jim Kouri is such an idiot. Doesn’t he know that the nickname “God’s Rottweiler” wasn’t invented by that journalist, but instead was bestowed on over two decades ago when he was appointed the Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, a.k.a. the Grand Inquisitor?


Re: Jim Kouri

I’d never heard of this ass clown before, but here’s a rule of thumb. Cop, DA, Army Officer, whatever – a good rule of thumb is that if he poses for a picture or later uses a picture of himself displaying a prominant shoulder holster, he’s gonna be a paranoid, self-involved wannabe tough guy who can’t project power and thinks that particular display of hardware will do it for him. Sadly, No!!



If conservative views make you a Rottweiler, what do liberal views make you?

A liberal.


The only thing worse than a knee jerk liberal is a knee-pad conservative
–Edward Abbey


mikey, re: your last comment.

yes. precisely. yes, yes, and hell yes. exactly.


Conservative Rottweilers, my ass. I’ve known a lot of Rottweilers (used to be seriously involved in dog training), and they are mostly nice if very stubborn animals, and waaay more intelligent than your average conservative. Chris Muir, much less Doughy Pantload or Godlstein, are more like those overbred pet-shop Cocker Spaniels who respond to any novelty by simultaneously peeing, yapping, and running in circles. Then they try to savage their owners, but fortunately most of them have such bad teeth & poor jaws that they’re more aggravating than dangerous. The more assertive Second-Amendment types might make it up the status tree as far as those dumb, fat, oversized Labrador Retrievers whose whole existence centers around trying to hump or eat every new object, animal, or person they meet. The most dangerous conservatives would be Boxers — large and dangerous, mostly because they’re dumber than stumps and prone to bite (again, usually their owner) before snapping their few brain cells into gear. (Boxers are the kind of dogs who attack a porcupine, end up at the vet’s office with a faceful of quills, and then go and attack another porcupine the next day.)

Liberals, under this analogy, would probably be cats. But if we were dogs, we’d be Australian Shepherds (smart, tough, family-oriented, and sometimes hard to train because we get bored with routines), Goldens (love on four feet, but not always clever about choosing our friends), Shetland Sheepdogs (very smart but suspicious and stand-offish about everything, or sighthounds (i.e., cats in dog suits).


Sorry, Kouri, you colossal hemorrhoid. I guess if wingnuts want to accept that having “conservative” views makes them a particular breed of dog, that’s their business. But having liberal views does not make me into anything. Rather, it is who I am (human really does sum it up) that causes me to have liberal views. Similarly, it is probably the fact that they’re essentially small-brained, vicious mammals on the perpetual and indiscriminate attack that makes them have these “conservative” (what exactly are they conserving?) views. But they’ve always had some difficulty with cause and effect.

Oh — and why do these yahoos always think they’re cleverly slamming liberals by referring to the “Democrat Party”?


Bigguth Dickuth? I have a fwiend in Knoxville called Bigguth Dickuth!


Oh — and why do these yahoos always think they’re cleverly slamming liberals by referring to the “Democrat Party�?

Y’know Mortician, I wondered the same thing when I first met Gary here on this blog a few months ago. Fortunately, Wiki was there to help me out. Personally I think it’s pretty cheesy to choose to be gramatically incorrect rather than to accept even the possiblity that the term might connotate positively…



Something that doesn’t sound like the name of one of Hitler’s aides.


If conservatives are rotties then I am the guy who cleans up dogshit in the backyard – because sombody has too.


From Hendrik Hertzberg’s article in The New Yorker, cited in the Wikipedia entry cited by Mikey above:

In the conservative media, the phenomenon feeds more voraciously the closer you get to the mucky, sludgy bottom. “Democrat Party� is standard jargon on right-wing talk radio and common on winger Web sites like NewsMax.com, which blue-pencils Associated Press dispatches to de-“ic� references to the Party of F.D.R. and J.F.K. (The resulting impression that “Democrat Party� is O.K. with the A.P. is as phony as a North Korean travel brochure.) The respectable conservative journals of opinion sprinkle the phrase around their Web sites but go light on it in their print editions.

The mucky, sludgy bottom. I’d say that’s right.


If conservative views make you a Rottweiler, what do liberal views make you?

A leash.


Well into the twentieth century, it was common to refer to the Democratic Party as “the Democracy.” I think this went away during the New Deal period, perhaps because the image of the Democratic Party had become more progressive (“the Democracy” went back to the nineteenth century, when the Democratic Party was very much the party of Southern reaction).


The strategy of calling the Democratic Party the “Democrat Party” (because the word “democratic” is irredeemably positive) also indicates that the right has more or less given up on the old conservative line that the US is a republic not a democracy.


Mikey, thanks for the wiki link, which states interestingly that the wingers came up with the term because they think the term “democratic” gives the Democratic Party an “unfair advantage.” Pissy little whiners. Don’t they know that it’s the philosophy, and not its label, that creates the advantage? (Rhetorical question — of course they don’t.)


Owlbear —

Right on. But how about a muzzle to go with that leash?


A freakin’ shotgun…I hate Rottweilers.


We would be dingos. As in, “the dingo ate aborted your baby!”

Woof woof.


I guess this is related to me being more left than liberal, because I prefer dogs to people. Especially stupid people. I’ve yet to meet a dog that couldn’t be brought around in the hands of someone who knows what the fuck they’re doing, but people, I find, can be stupid for life.

And go fuck yourself raw and bloody, Willy. Having spent years of my life doing volunteer work for animal shelters and rescue organizations, seeing countless abused dogs – of all breeds, even the supposedly vicious ones – who are still friendly to strangers despite scum like you, I’m not in the fucking mood for idiotic comments like that.


We would be dingos

Anybody else read this and hear it in Bowie’s voice?



I’ve had four French Poodles. All of whom were smarter than any Republican I know.


What’s not to prefer about dogs, anyway? Or cats, for that matter. People suck.

Here’s the thing about dogs: when is the last time that any human being has been so excited to see you come home from work that they started crying and peed on the floor? And yet, if you’ve had a dog, you have probably been loved that way on at least one occasion. You’ll never get that from a person.

I wish I had a dog right now. I’m lonely.


Just for one day, Mikey!

Jillian, I would totally pee on the floor for you any day.

Worst. President. Ever.

Liberals are Flying Spaghetti Monsters!


Luckily, I think, for both of us, I’m not into that! (Not to criticize if you are, btw….just not for me.) But it made me smile, anyway!

But the next time you’re in Miami, the beers are on me.

It’s just one of those nights where all the wrong songs keep coming on the random shuffle, and I’m thinking about cracking a beer just so I can go cry in it.

If conservative views make you a Rottweiler, liberal views make you literate. That’s why the liberal/leftie coalition secretly rules every university in the People’s Republic of Liberal Americastan, baby!


A sooty grunter, that’s what I’d be.


Mr. Mordant,
Untwist your undies…Repubs=Rotts in this context. I got nothing against real dogs.


But it made me smile, anyway!

I, uh, aim to please, Jillian.

If I’m ever in Miami, I’ll take you up on that. I’ll be the guy in the pastel sports coat, stubbly, no socks, nice car. Once we exchange the Sadly, No! secret handshake and I confirm that you have no hidden axe-handles with which to beat me, I’ll be ready to down adult beverages and snort whatever illicit substances off undulating naked bodies, which I understand is what everyone does in that Liberal Gomorrah down there.


Jillian! You’re in Miami? You’ve got the magic bullet. Go to the beach. Walk along the waterline. Watch the kids, the dogs, the frisbees, the lovers. Deep breaths of the sea air. Listen to the song of the waves. Darlin, we live on our coasts for a reason. There is peace and sustinance to be drawn from the waves, the sand. You know it. Don’t be lonely or sad. Take a sandwich and a bottle of wine and go to the ocean. Allow the sense of the edge of the world to take your senses. Feel it, taste it. Remember there are SO many people who can’t just pick up and go to the beach. It’s a free pass to at least temporary mental health. Take advantage, grrrlll….



A neopolitan mastiff.



True liberals only snort the ashes of the Bibles they burn, which they carry in pouches made specially of aborted stem cells just for that purpose.

And everybody knows the secret handshake for all liberals involves some sort of gay sex act. Right in the middle of a Pottery Barn, preferably.

But a S,N! secret handshake would be way cooler.


Mikey, going to the beach around here would drive me CRAZY.

Thousands of loud, semi-drunk, obnoxious frat boy types? Ugh.

It’s a totally different dynamic for a girl, really. For instance, I was driving home from work tonight, and some guy behind me flashes his brights and honks at me. I figure there’s something wrong with my car – tail lights out, maybe? – and I get stressed, so when he turns the corner and I pass him on my way to my driveway, I slow down and lower my window.

His response? “Hey, baby – how you doin’?”

I wish I were making this up.

There’s this thing for girls where just appearing in public gives folks some sort of license to make unwarranted, uninvited passes at you.

Going out is often the only thing more depressing and annoying than staying in. I can only really enjoy beaches when they’re deserted.


A republican leg humper, if you’re joe lieberman


You forgot the ashes from burned American flags, Jillian. Talk about aphrodesiacs! Still, I would totally blow Bill Clinton right now for a kilo or two of powdered stem cells. God, I’m jonesin just thinkin about it. Thinkin about his cock, that is.

Needless to say, I’m down with the gay sex too, especially in Pottery Barn, but to seal the deal I’ll need confirmation that the drinks will be paid for with government money, taxed from virtuous wingnuts, looted from freedom-loving Randroids.

Also, we’ll have to keep this secret from Marie Jon’.


If people do suck, then loneliness isn’t a condition, it’s a blessing. And I know, trust me, I’ve been blessed for a LONG time.

Brian tha Texas transplant

Ok, I say it would make me a camel. Ugly and stupid in the eyes of the unknowing. But to those who know the true nature of the camel…wise, enduring, loyal and above all functional.

I don’t know if camels are into gay homosexual activities, but I’m sure they don’t discriminate…


And everybody knows the secret handshake for all liberals involves some sort of gay sex act. Right in the middle of a Pottery Barn, preferably.

Sign me the hell up!

And I’d like dogs better if they didn’t make me itch like fuck. I quit a hotel job after the manager took in a woman with four yappy dogs for two months, despite the no-pets policy, and the super wouldn’t assign me a different room. To be fair, though, the dogs only shed and drooled and piddled and crapped because their owner was apparently in the throes of senile dementia and absolutely goddamned neglectful and filthy. She was staying with us because her house had caught fire, presumably because she was one of those “collector” types, and her insurance company put her up in a hotel until it was fixed.

I hated her damned dogs, but I hated her more. People with dogs, please remember some of the rest of the world is allergic to your charming bundles of joy. Please remember this includes people they leap on at street fairs and beaches, and people who clean your hotel room and your rental car or your home.

Brian tha Texas transplant

I take this as a personal attack bubba…

“There is peace and sustinance to be drawn from the waves, the sand. You know it. Don’t be lonely or sad. Take a sandwich and a bottle of wine and go to the ocean.”

I think your just making me all home sick…boy do I miss the ocean…Get out on a wave and just croooz…


I had the pleasure of housesitting a large purebred poodle named Coco (after Chanel) for three weeks. Coco was cunningly intelligent and frighteningly powerful (physically). Coco also enjoyed practical jokes and could not be trusted off leash. He was extremely skilled at manipulating suckers into petting and fawning over him with all manner of treats while tied in front of the grocery store waiting for me.

Poodles do not make good seeing eye dogs, not for a lack of intelligence which they possess in spades, but because they have a wicked sense of humour. A poodle is more likely to lead a blind person over an open manhole…

If neocons want to make fun of poodles, they do so at their own peril.


If conservative views make you a Rottweiler

They don’t. Conservative views make you a fucktard.


If I have to curse a dog by anthromorphorosizing modern conservative thought upon it, I’d have to go with a Chihuahua. Momma had one of them yappy little bastards, and every time some wingnut loses his/her shit over the coming IslamoMexicoHomosexualoLiberaloFacist Horde I think of that dog going nuts at the slightest noise. My old man had a bunch of running walkers for deer hunting. Great dogs. Sweet-natured, loyal, and, for the purpose, useful as hell and had a never-say-die attitude about. A good walker hound will run itself to death. That damn Chihuahua thought it was a hunting dog, just as your average modern wingnut is convinced spewing hatred at anyone who thinks different is equal to defending the country against the aforementioned horde.

But I like dogs, in general, so I wouldn’t do that to ’em. Wingnuts, unfortunately, are embarrassingly human.


Let me try! It’s like those old SAT problems:

conservative :: rottweiler

liberal :: crescent wrench

Damn! I was never good at these things.


i have to say that my first thought was “human being”. Im glad that all the smart poodles here answered the same way with better explanations than I had: like: “I am not a dog – you wingnut fucktard – why do you always insist on being so puerile…”


He was extremely skilled at manipulating suckers into petting and fawning over him with all manner of treats

I’ve dogsat ones like that. Their owners universally regard me as an idiot, in that my solution to the dog rubbing allergens all over me is to bring a big bag of treats and toys and throw them as far away from me as possible. It earns me a reprieve of maybe forty seconds, which is why it has to be a *huge* bag.

Also, I can be suckered into letting the dog out at all hours because I can’t tell the difference between “I have to go piss in the flower beds” and “I’m pretty sure there might be a squirrel out there, and I’d really like to bark at it”.

So dogs like me way more than I like them.

For what it’s worth, I dislike children for many of the same sorts of reasons (loud, smelly, drooling, incontinent) and treat them much the same way. And they like me a lot, too.

My cats, on the other hand, pretty much ignore me unless they want food. For some reason, I appreciate that in people/animals.

LA Confidential Pantload

The analogy itself is wrong. It should read, “if conservative views make you a wanker, what do liberal views make you?”


Sorry then, Willy. I just got done dealing with a case last week of a dog being shot and set on fire, so my threshold for black humor is in the negative.


Christ. Speaking of animals in need, The Editors could probably use some support right about now.


No sweat, Mr. Mordant, we all have our days.


If by Rottweiler you mean my next-door loonies dog, liberalism would have to be a gun…to shoot the inbred, mentally unstable danger to the community.

Retarded mutt likes to eat cats…and attack anything that comes into view, including his owner.


Q. Why does a Rebublican lick his own balls
A. Because he can’t afford Jeff Gannon


If by Rottweiler you mean my next-door loonies dog, liberalism would have to be a gun…to shoot the inbred, mentally unstable danger to the community.

I’m assuming you’re not talking about shooting the dog here.


D. Sidhe and miker Eff-Tee-Double-U!
(And also Anne Laurie and Jillian)


Er, mikey, I mean.

I am filled with shame.


Lesley said,
Coco was cunningly intelligent and frighteningly powerful (physically).
If neocons want to make fun of poodles, they do so at their own peril.

They’re smart and fierce and they hunt in packs. It’s not their fault that people give them doofus emo haircuts. It starts me wondering, precisely what were French poodles bred for? Clearly some task requiring strength and intelligence… hunting the vicious truffle, perhaps… guarding the herds of foie gras from maraudering wolves…


Hey! Enough with the hating on black labs! My current dog and the previous one were labs, and they were the two best dogs I’ve ever owned. The current one is very nearly perfect. It’s frightening–he has never peed or pooped in the house. Not once in three years. He does not jump up on people, stick his nose in their crotches (much), bark mindlessly all day, or persistently pester for food. No leg-humping (though, admittedly, he’s fixed). He’s smart and extremely easily trainable. He does exhibit questionable taste in that he seems to like me, but other than that….


I think conservatives are a lot like my neighbor’s Peke-a-poo, who got away with humping my brother’s Boston terrier one night and keeps trying to do it now. Except he doesn’t realize that she was drunk the first time she let him get away with it, and now she knows better and wants nothing to do with him.

I like the “human” response for liberals, though.


A euthansia hypodermic?

I got nothin’…


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