Two-Minute Townhall
I’ve got the spirit, but lose the feeling.
Shorter Michael Medved: Americans view Jews favorably because, unlike many religions, we generally are not known to aggressively proselytize. Maybe that’s the problem.
Shorter Mike S. Adams: In which ways are homosexuals, transgendered people and abortion providers exactly like pedophiles? No, I asked you first.
Shorter Jay Sekulow: A recent federal court ruling permits people of faith to discharge their professional duties however they see fit, which is just super.
Shorter Douglas MacKinnon: Have you ever noticed that, in today’s politically correct society, every single criminal depicted by movies, television and commercials is a white male? For example, take a look at the 1993 film, Falling Down.
Shorter Terence Jeffrey: If Lindsay Graham wanted you to feel safe, he’d let the president do whatever he wants. Since he won’t, he doesn’t.
Shorter Tony Blankley: Stammering Democrats would have been all too happy to surrender to the Nazis and return Jewish refugees to Hitler’s clutches, as illustrated in this fictional speech I’ve written.
Shorter John Stossel: It’s outrageous that some senators continue to resist being thrown in the briar patch. I say we should throw them in the briar patch!
Shorter Walter Williams: Wouldn’t it be possible to return to the days when the federal government hardly spent any money at all, and none of it on charity?
Shorter Mona Charen: I’m sure Americans would form a much higher opinion of Our President if the hostile White House press corps were replaced by a small group of conservative columnists.
Shorter Paul Weyric: Sen. James M. Inhofe: hard-working gentleman.
Shorter Kathleen Parker: While we bicker over who did what in the minutes and hours after Sept. 11, our enemies are prosecuting a war that lasts forever, and that’s a mighty long time – but I’m here to tell you, there’s something else: the afterworld.
Shorter Michelle Malkin: Increasing numbers of liberals are plotting the assassination of the president, even now.
Shorter Ben Shapiro: Who am I to judge the lifestyle choice of a fish who changes his gender as the result of exposure to pollution?
Shorter Maggie Gallagher: If given the choice between a filmmaker who just happens to be a Christian and a Clinton official who steals government documents, I know who I’ll choose to believe.
Shorter Brent Bozell III: Just because a scene or two in the otherwise remarkable film, Path to 9/11, happened to be false and assigned responsibility for the attacks, Team Clinton demanded that the network kill the production. The Reagan movie, on the other hand, was pulled from the air because it made the former president appear doddering and his First Lady looked mean.
Shorter Linda Chavez: I’m beginning to wonder if the president even has an election strategy.
Shorter Austin Bay: Democrats are hypocrites for wanting to censor The Path to 9/11, while basically worshipping “Piss Christ.”
Shorter Jonah Goldberg: The growing popularity of anti-Bush conspiracy theories is further evidence of liberal fascism.
Shorter Jacob Sullum: As a libertarian, I’ve come to realize that the only way to win the war on terror is to legalize opium.
Shorter Nathan Tabor: Now that we have Plan B, I suppose we won’t be needing Plan A – legal abortion. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!
Shorter William F. Buckley: While we all should admire the president’s steely-eyed determination to kill every last Muslim who wishes to do us harm, perhaps he might set his sights a bit lower so we may declare victory and move on.
Shorter Roger Schlesinger: Right now is an excellent time to purchase a variable rate mortgage.
Shorter Cal Thomas: An initial report by the U.S. Senate Committee on Intelligence confirms many of the darkest suspicions about the president held by his greatest detractors, while a recent ABC docudrama does the same for Clinton’s opponents. However, we can’t afford to play the blame game now that we are in these wars.
I always get suckered into reading a few of these and, yes, they’re all that bad.
Also, I like the president’s new made-up term: “Islamoradicals”. I can’t wait for the ad campaign he and the president of Kazakhstan are going to draw up.
“Visit Kazakhstan! It’s Islamofantastic!”
Joy Division and Prince references in one offering! I am once again enchanted.
Where will it end? Shakin’ that ass!
Did one person plow through, read and summarize all that drivel?
Personally, I’d rather clean out a stable with a toothbrush.
I call shenanigans. That so-called Ben Shapiro column was obviously crayoned by John Stossel.
A 52 year old Wisconsin woman died fighting the Taliban over the weekend…she didn’t want to go:
http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=494632
How desperate is the Army getting?
Shapiro has two just incredibly stupid things in the first paragraph.
First he has a jolly line about “watching reruns of The View.” Since The View is a current events show, does it really have reruns? Are DVDs of, say, The Today Show available? (“Oooh! I just got the 1995 boxed set!”).
The second is the line about “certain harmful chemicals may be overly polluting” the water in Washington. Rather than harmful chemicals polluting just the right amount.
But the amazing thing is, those two incredibly stupid things aren’t even close to being the most stupid things in his piece. Wow. And they publish him just as if he were making sense.
“Shorter Tony Blankley: Stammering Democrats would have been all too happy to surrender to the Nazis and return Jewish refugees to Hitler’s clutches, as illustrated in this fictional speech I’ve written.”
this was my favorite until the Prince reference. Nice work.
Ah, the stupid is now coursing through my system. It’s better than an epidural.
Can someone please tell me what the Prince reference was? I know I should recognize it, but I don’t.
Oh, and good job on plowing through all that garbage. You have a will of steel, Travis
The fact is that the Democrat Party is the second party of American politics.
Bill Clinton is even hanging out with fringe extremist bloggers. Extremist bloggers who support the terrorists over Bush.
Meanwhile, Joe Lieberman is leading by 13 points and 2/3rds of voters, who didn’t vote in the Democratic Party, are supporting Lieberman overwhelmingly, over the fringe kook Ned Lamont.
And the Republicans have demonstrated their tolerance for politicians who reflect their broader constituency by renominating Lincoln Chafee.
But there is no room for anybody other than a radical liberal robot in the Democrat Party.
They smeared Lieberman using racism and anti-semitism to try and force him out of the party.
If you think handguns should be legal, you’re out of the party. If you think that abortions shouldn’t be available for entire pregnancies, you’re out of the party. If you think that values are important, you’re out of the party. If you support America, you’re out of the party.
The Democrat Party is now a fringe extremist party, lead by aimless leftist drones like Pelosi, Reid, and Chairman Dean.
The Democrat Party is the 21st century version of the Whigs. They’ll soon fade away and they’ll be in the dustbin of history.
Gary, I thought I asked a while back why you’re not in Iraq?
Hmm?
And then Gary will be crowned KING OF THE MOLE PEOPLE
Also, I like the president’s new made-up term: “Islamoradicals�. I can’t wait for the ad campaign he and the president of Kazakhstan are going to draw up.
“Visit Kazakhstan! It’s Islamofantastic!�
Ooh! Can Borat Sagdiyev do the celebrity endorsement?
Gary
are you for the one party state like they had in Iraq under saddam?
“democrat Party” as said by the bircher wing of the republcian paryy
Can someone please tell me what the Prince reference was? I know I should recognize it, but I don’t.
In the Kathleen Parker bit, from the word “forever” onwards is taken from the intro to “Let’s Go Crazy”.
I don’t think I need to explain why that’s a perfect choice for this post.
Praise be Sadly, No! I’m working! With Republicans! I need these like oxygen now. I’m not ashamed to say I soothe myself counting down the hours til the shorters come in and just have to say thank you Travis, they swing true and gorgeous as ever.
Extremist bloggers who support the terrorists over Bush.
Ahh, yes. The good old false dichotomy, my old friend. No other possible option, eh Gary? You can support bush, or you can support the terrorists. Your tiny mind cannot fathom any other possibility.
If you think that values are important, you’re out of the party.
Gary, I don’t think the word “values” means what you think it does. People with values do not tell lies, start wars, torture people, steal money, nor cause death and suffering all over the world to further nothing beyond the acquisition and maintenance of power…
mikey
Shorter Gary Ruppert:
MY CAT CAN EAT A WHOLE WATERMELON!
I don’t know what the Unhinged One is talking about. I don’t wish death on Dubya — I wish prosecution.
Shorter Gary Ruppert:
MY CAT CAN EAT A WHOLE WATERMELON!
OK, I lol’d. That was brilliant.
Enough jollies.
I’m torn. My girl crush on Kathleen Parker as The Dumbest Woman in America wavers whenever I read Mona Charen. Is there hope for me?
Thanks, as always, Travis.
Travis G: Documenting the Death Spiral of Demented Fuckwits so we don’t have to!
Am I too late to drop some rancid meat in today’s RightWing gumbo ?
[From today’s “Home Shopping Network,” in which Jeff Goldstein proves you do not have to be a citizen of a nation to be one of that nation’s ‘chickenhawks.’:]
Good luck with that multiculturalist project.
Because that—combined with a soft disengagement from the War on Terror—will only put off the inevitable, bloody confrontation between radical Islamic enclaves and those who respect the laws of England proper.
Were I a Brit, I’d be practicing civil disobedience and arming myself about now.
Heavily.For when that other sandal drops
Shorter Goldstein: If I were British, I’d show those towel-heads a thing or two; but, sadly enough, I’m not. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a big sale on propane grills
at Home Depot.
Gary hearts Chafee.
The fact is Gary is a liberal. Therefor, Gary is a terrorist just like Osama bin Laden.
Did one person plow through, read and summarize all that drivel?
Yes, and brilliantly.
“[Christian fundamentalists must] take dominion over the US…[abolish democracy] which is actually heresy…[establish a theocratic republic] under biblical law…True to the letter of Old Testament law, homosexuals, adulterers, blasphemers, astrologers, [and for such offenses as] abortion, heresy, apostasy…will be executed.”
-Rousas John Rushdoony, President, Chalcedon Foundation, in Christianity Today, Democracy as Heresy.
“…we will see the beginning of massive killing of abortionists and their staffs. In time the killing, in protection of the innocent, will begin to spill over into the killing of the police and military who attempt to protect them…members of Planned Parenthood, and other pro-abortion/choice organizations will be sought and terminated as vermin are terminated.”
-Father David Trosch, Director, Life Enterprises Unlimited,
Letter to Members of Congress.
“What should we do? We should do what thousands of people across this nation are doing. We should be forming militias…There are plans of resistance being made…Churches can form militia days and teach their men how to fight…This Christmas, I want you to do the most loving thing…buy each of your children an SKS rifle and 500 rounds of ammunition…”
-Reverend Matthew Trewhella, Director, Missionaries to the
Preborn, addressing the Wisconsin Convention of the US Taxpayers Party.
”Young men of faith{My brothers through the grace of our Lord and saviour Yah’shua Messiah} I stand before you{as the voice of one crying out in the wilderness}that you may hear the battle-cry {Which is sounded this day} From the Lord your God.
You {who are shepherds} are to form localized militia in order that you may protect your flocks.You are called to be executors of Biblical law upon this nation{seeing as the state repudiates it’s own responsibility to do so}.Young men of faith….Strong,wise and self-controlled…Merciful whenever possible, ferocious when not ! You are to form death squads ! {you must}… Seek out local drug dealers,Communists,Pimps,abortionists and all corruptors of youth {all dens of iniquity} and execute ! execute ! execute !…..Drag their bodies through the streets and raise your right hand to the sky,proclaiming the Laws and statutes given to us by the king of heaven and {to the glory of} his only begotten son”.
– Pastor Josiah Abraham II,addressing Christian Identity{Youth of the true Israelites} Rally in Belfast 2005 shortly before being deported.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christian_Identity
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dominionism
Oh crap. The spam filter is still letting through the Christofascists.
Cleanup on Aisle 7!
I’ve had enough of these motherfucking christian nazi nutjobs on this motherfucking blog.
Poise. Poise.
Just Sayin’…
mikey
mikey: It’s not just here, they hit TBogg and WOC that I know of, and probably others.
Stupid little wankers. I’ll give them some Christian Identity right upside their empty fat heads if they ever knock on my door. *brandishes aluminum green paisley walking stick*
Those Christofascists don’t have much use for the New Testament, do they.
Hey, Xrazy Xtian guys, I told you before: go to http://www.proteinwisdom.com.
Remember how much they liked it when you dropped by yesterday?
mikey: It’s not just here, they hit TBogg and WOC that I know of, and probably others.
Well, I don’t hang out on those near as much as over here. I LIKE it here. The carpet’s stained, over there you can see where Brad spilled beer on the curtains, there’s still some takeout pizza boxes in the kitchen. Anyway, the point is, I don’t really have a problem if the neighborhood kids leave a Flaming Bag of Poo ™ on the doorstep of the house down the street. I just get pissed when they leave one on MY doorstep.
*brandishes aluminum green paisley walking stick*
Now I’m totally grooving on that. You can learn so much about someone by their choice in weapons. And that has a real aesthetic sensability to it. It’s like when the JWs come to the door and I answer it in my white jockeys holding a machete in one hand and a still-smoldering bong in the other. Oddly, in spite of my offers of hospitality, they usually decide they can’t stay…
mikey
See, these are the guys I’m on about when I start off a rant about the evil at the heart of extremist Christianity.
They’re fucking insane, and there are more of ’em than you realize.
If you’re not at least a little bit creeped out, you’re not paying attention.
throw them in the briar patch!
And who would know more about briar patches than a man with one growing on his face?
Shorter “Mcveigh”:
All dressed in uniforms so fine,
They drank and killed to pass the time,
Wearing the shame of all their crimes,
With measured steps, they walked in line.
They walked in line,
They walked in line,
They walked in line,
They walked in line,
They walked in line,
They walked in line,
They walked in line,
They walked in line.
Even shorter McVeigh: Kill! Kill! (no pussy, cat!)
Gary the Ultra-Liberal Regurgi-bot sez: …. over the fringe kook Ned Lamont.
Pot? Kettle?
J Neo- Brilliant! is that one of your songs?
mikey- machete and a bong? dude, I’m so stopping over! I’ll bring the Steel Reserve.
Oh no, TC, thank you for thinking so. I was merely continuing the Joy Division references on this thread.
Hell YEAH, TC. I even tied ribbons on it. I leave it to your imagination whether I’m referring to the machete or the bong….
mikey
Romans 1:18-32 (King James Version)
18For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness;
19Because that which may be known of God is manifest in them; for God hath shewed it unto them.
20For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse:
21Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened.
22Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools,
23And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things.
24Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves:
25Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen.
26For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:
27And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.
28And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient;
29Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers,
30Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents,
31Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful:
32Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.
http://www.godhatesfags.com
http://www.thesignsofthetimes.net
http://www.godhatesamerica.com
Google the following;
Richard Kelly Hoskins.
Read ‘Vigilantes of Christendom’ By Richard Kelly Hoskins.
Phinehas Priesthood.
Christian identity Churches.
Mormon Blood Vengeance.
Dominionist theory.
Kinism.
Read ‘A time to kill’ By the Reverend Michael Bray.
Eric Rudolf.
Paul Hill.
Gary North.
Read ‘The Turner Diaries’ By Andrew Mcdonald.
Nauvoo militia.
Read…. ultimate questions by John Blanchard.
Shorter Mcveigh #1: “I’m pro-life, so the following people should be killed…”
Shorter Mcveigh #2: “I’m an attentioned-starved, loser troll who wants everybody to think I’m completely fucking insane.”
I call shenanigans. That so-called Gary Ruppert post was obviously crayoned by John Stossel.
Oh great-ANOTHER boring racist fuckwit. Really, it’s tired shit. Find a new way to get attention, Exy. Using the Bible as an excuse to be an asshole isn’t working.
Wait wait wait. Lemme make a list of the shit god hates. God hates ghotse. God hates umm, astroturf. No, wait, I got more. God hates, hot rollers. And perms. And my former boss who fired me. God hates that fucker for sure…
mikey
God does not hate goatse. God made many, many assholes, and sees the beauty in each one.
Oh. Well maybe its ME who hates ghotse. But in the words of Valentine Michael Smith, “Thou art god”….
mikey
OK, I feel shamed now. I should totally know Joy Division better than Prince, yet I spotted the Prince thing right away, and can’t find the Joy Division for the life of me. What’s that one?
Shorter Cal Thomas
Christ, is that fucker still writing? Shee-yit, I remember reading his drivel when I was around ten to twelve (probably) and wondering why anyone would pay attention to the blatherings of someone so logically inconsistent, not to mention just plain stupid. And yet, some twenty-five or so years later, he’s still cranking ’em out, and someone still publishes that dreck?!?
D’oh! Just spotted it right after I posted, of course. I must have overlooked it before because I skipped right from the banner to the shorters section. And of course, posting brought it right to my eyes.
Malkin is still calling Vowell’s book assassination porn, too. I wish she’d quit that. Vowell is far too nice a person to have to read wingnut hatemail, assuming she has a public email.
Also, I’m fairly desensitized to wingnut provocations, but for Goldberg to dismiss Spike Lee’s amazing documentary as conspiracy mongering is flat out offensive.
Shorter Goldberg: Fuck all those (mostly) dark people who saw people they loved die and lost everything they had. Their justifiably low opinion of an administration that failed them absolutely is distasteful to me.
28And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient;
29Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers,
30Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents,
31Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful:
32Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.
Karl? Karl Rove? Is that you? Oh, and there’s Dubya! And Big Sneering Dick! And ‘Pussy Killer’ Frist! And ‘Bug Man’ Tom! And…
If your answer to question number three revolves around the issue of a minor’s inability to give consent, when does this ability usually develop? At the age of 10? At the age of 15? Is your answer arbitrarily chosen or is it somehow objective?
I’m not letting Mike Adams near my non-exisitant children (10? WTF?)
Thank you, thank you, for the best laughs I’ve had in days. You need to launch “Shorter CNN Headline News” and we can tune in once a day for 10 minutes to get 24 hours worth of coverage.
Shorter Cal Thomas
Christ, is that fucker still writing?
Yeah, but I have a soft spot for ol’ Cal. Not only did he tell interviewer John Whitehead a few years back that America wasn’t founded as a Christian nation, he wrote a maudlin column after being caught in the ’03 NYC blackout where he made fond reference to The Day the Earth Stood Still while reflecting on his affection for New York. And he’s always thought that anti-flag-burning amendments are rubbish. Hmm, other than that, though, I guess I wouldn’t mind introducing him to my old friend, Mr. Hickory Axe Handle (We call him Hick).
Shorter Jacob Sullum: As a libertarian, I’ve come to realize that the only way to win the war on terror is to legalize opium.
Undercut terrorist funding via drug legalization? Use the Eternal War on Terror as a ruse to push decriminalization, rather than as a ruse to make domestic drug laws ever more draconian? I’m beginning to want to have Jacob Sullum’s children.
the dustbin of history
Does Gary always quote Trotsky?
Long time reader of sadlyno.
Always love to read the “two minute” posts. Thanks froma big fan!
Miguel