BITCH! How much she charge for full release?

This makes no sense at all. Why are they wearing clothes?

also, I would like to see the penguin make another appearance. 3rd panel, stage left.

Oh man. That was epic. The fact that your edits flow far more naturally and make more logical sense than the originals still blows my mind. It’s like Muir starts writing the dialogue but, by the time he gets to the last panel, he’s so distracted by his Picasso boobies that he writes something completely unrelated.

Man, they really are better with jokes in them.

No. No they’re not. Funny cannot save them, nor humor save their infinite banality. Sorry!

Why is Damon passed out? Doesn’t Jan have any car insurance? Can anyone help?

So, do I have this right?

After the black yuppie man faints, falling out of his chair and knocking over the table and more than likely conking his noggin real good, the two white women set the table back upright, haul the fellow onto it, arrange his arms with hands clasped over his belly, and then engage in idle chitchat without any apparent worry over the fact that he’s still unconscious?

I’m sure there’s no racism or sexism to be found in the contrast between the treatment of the white woman’s non-accident and the black man’s actual accident. Because racism and sexism are liberal myths.

Oh, wait. After careful study of the “drawing,” I see now that the table has simply vaporized, and they’re all on the floor and the black man’s head is in the white woman’s table-colored lap. So there’s really no problem. Well, apart from the black man being unconscious and the white women making idle chitchat over him.

Man, grampaw, why dont’cha just join the Communist party, ya Liberal.

I should know better than to try to “understand” this monumentally unfunny (and misogynist) strip, but let’s see if I have this right:

On Sunday the thinks-she’s-pregnant chick goes to her car to make a call on her cell phone. The car, with her inside, is then absolutely plowed by an 18-wheeler and bursts into flames.

Yesterday she shows up. Totally unscratched and okay. Today she’s sitting, still in apparently perfect health, and chatting away as her boyfriend lies unconscious next to her.

I can’t wait for the “explanation” that follows.

I think I figured it out, Alek.

See, she’s a woman, and she’s a Liberal, so she parked her car in the intersection, and left her phone in it, where it was smashed by said eighteen wheeler.

But her car is ‘missing’ because when she looked for it, she managed to ignore the flaming wreckage with cops and firefighters sitting where her car used to be.

And somehow she’s not pregnant, just ‘late’ in the many interpretations of the word- so her boyfriend faints from the denouement!

See? It’s funny because it’s true!

But I can’t explain the boobs. I figure Muir has just never seen one in situ

I’m thinking that if there is anything in the world, any one (or two) things that might, just might have me thinking about abandoning all this “caring for my fellow man” crap and “social justice” nattering and get me to whole-heartedly join the worst theocratic wing of the Republican Party without hesitation or regret, I’m thinking that thing might just be Prehensile Boobs. Man, I’m gonna have a hard time concentrating on work the rest of the day. Good thing the giants game starts pretty soon. Muir’s stupid strip should come with a generic NSFW sticker built in!!!

mikey

but no one has even addressed the most important question of all….why is the redhead speaking in yellow now?

OT: Prussian Blue have left Bakersfield!

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/news/archive/2006/09/05/state/n120254D36.DTL

Two more local rivals given the shiv by Dr. BLT, who is inching ever closer to ideological leadership of the New Nashville West.

BLT has recently been writing strikingly incoherent self-promoting Wikipedia entries under the pseudonym blognroll: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bakersfield_sound

I like the 85% real versions better.

1) They’re actually funny.

2) I can actually understand them!

Why can’t conservatives be funny like liberals are? Huh???

So, let me get this straight…

She “feels” pregnant and decides to “research” pregnancy at Bookz a Billion (it’s “urban”). Armed with her new book-larning, she suddenly realizes she’s not preggers after all.

“So what you’re saying is I can’t get pregnant from a toilet seat? Okay. What about these ‘mouth babies’ my pastor’s always telling me about? Ya don’t say…

> but no one has even addressed the most important question of all….why is the redhead speaking in yellow now?

On account of the dirty and un-Christian Vulcan hand sex, obvs.

Yeller’s teh color of taint.

If this Muir drooler isn’t paying the S,N! crew, you guys are just waaay overinvested. I mean, I worship Teh Snark myself, but how much can you do with crap like this? It’s like trying to fix a different gourmet lunch each day using Velveeta and Wonderbread… no matter what kind of luscious condiments you add, it’s still going to be tasteless chemical-based “food product”, or in DBD’s case “humor product”.

You think BLT’s incoherent on Wiki, you ought to see him in the blog entries at the local newspaper. Just sayin’.

Panel 1 Text 1: as is

Panel 1 Text 2: as is

Panel 2 Text: Well, those Mexican car thieves put hydraulic pumps in my breasts.

Panel 3 Text: They also installed Bazooka speakers in your butt.

Why is Damon passed out?

He’s powernapping before his next appointment to be a token demographic outlier.

If this Muir drooler isn’t paying the S,N! crew, you guys are just waaay overinvested.

I was thinking the same thing, Anne. But then it went from enough to be annoying to OCD level over the top wacky, and then it became meta-funny. It’s got to the point where the focus is no longer on him and his incoherent strip but it’s now about US US US. He’s gone from topic to inflatable sex toy, and we’re all kind of trying to top each other on the obscenities we’re willing to visit on the vinyl genitalia of Chris Muirs crap product….

mikey

In future strips will we find out whether she uses her prehensile boobs for good or evil?

Yeah, but nobody has explained why there are so many chairs in their apartment. The live in a discount furniture store? Restaurant? Store-front church?

My CIA agent theory just doesn’t cover this bit… but it does cover the prehensile breasts – prehensile breasts being ever so useful in secret agent work!

“He’s gone from topic to inflatable sex toy, and we’re all kind of trying to top each other on the obscenities we’re willing to visit on the vinyl genitalia of Chris Muirs crap product….”

Wow, thanks Mikey. I’m experiencing the uncleanest feeling I have known in years.

I actually went and looked up the original of the “Damon passing out” strip…the girlfriend walks in as he’s (we assume) on the phone with the idiot highway patrolmen. She tells him that she’s not “late” as they thought, and he passes out presumably from the shock of finding her alive.

Girlfriend makes the comment “He’s more pro-life than I thought!”
Because all liberals know that “pro lifers” are horrified at false alarms.

OK, now I’m really confused. I thought I’d figured out the previous Muir strip, but it seems I was just dazzled by the fact that Muir had discovered how to do backgrounds. Who was actually in the car, and why was the phone ringing?

Just imagine what she could do with tassels. Gavin?

Bras: They’re not just for neo-feminists anymore.

Okay:

Goddamnit, I didn’t want to have to do this.

Jan says to herself, “I better get to the car, cause my cellphone is there and I need to call Damon.”

Then, we see the car. There is ringing. We do not know what the ringing represents, because Damon is SUCH A BIG FAKER.

Then the car gets hit.

Then the highway patrolmen call numbers on the cell phone they found at the scene.

Then Damon says “I bet this is Jan calling.”

Next strip:

Damon is sad.

Jan returns and breaks the news that she’s not pregnant.

Damon faints because Jan is, in fact, alive.

Jan, who (and this is key) DOES NOT KNOW HER CAR HAS BEEN SMASHED, thinks Damon is fainting out of sadness that she’s not pregnant, says “Wow, he’s more pro-life than I thought.”

Fuck Muir for making me care.

Also, I totally called the “Jan’s not dead” thing ahead of time, which is even worse.

In my defense, I used to remix DbD all the time, so that’s why I read it, but this crap is nearly unparodyable, although Gavin proves me wrong.

When I said “Damon is such a big faker”, I naturally meant “Muir is such a big faker.”

Gavin add jiggle. Jiggle good. Ugh has spoken.

P.S. Add even more jiggle, Gavin.

I think even Herblock called the whole “no, she’s not dead” thing.
Next strip: *Zed (who the fuck names themselves “Zed”? You’re either a sexual predator/deviant, or a MIB fanboy taking things to far.) enters the room*: Guess what, everyone! I just went to the beach and got to jump a shark! Zowie!

Also, I totally called the “Jan’s not dead� thing ahead of time, which is even worse

Yeah, it was kind of obvious that the car was stolen, and Jan wasn’t in it. Probably some greaser immigrants. Hence, ‘La Cucaracha’ on the ring tone. However, it’s a mystery how they managet to change the guy’s ringtone by stealing the girl’s phone, but that part makes more sense than the traffic light changing in the wrong sequence in the crash series.

They should design a whole martial art around those prehensile boobs. Something involving blades.

Ron, that dream can be yours if you just watch enough Hentai.

I’m still trying to figure out how the unconscious man’s head is resting stably on the lap of a woman sitting parallel to him.

So who has clicked on the link on the dbd site to get it delivered directly to your phone?! 🙂

Well, and of course the big question is – who WAS driving the car, if not Socliosis Chick, and since they’ve been burned into a Krispy Kritter, isn’t Chris Muir capapble of even a moment of solemnity about the death by horrible fire of another human being?

Nah….

Oh, Mark B – I hate to break it to you, but the “La Cucaracha” bit was added by Gavin. Although it was an understandable mistake; it made a fuck of a lot more sense than Muir’s plotline.

As for her boobs, they look like implants that have…er….migrated.

Oh, shit. The new strips up.

Scoliosis Chick says, “OhmiGahd. Someone died in my car. That’s so ….whatever.”

Conservative Black Dude blurts out a non-sequiter that has to do with Planned Parenthood.

then they change the subject and talk about “Freak Friday.” Or “Face Off,” not sure which movie.

Can I just ask Scoliosis Chick to fucking put on a sweater?

It’s only NOW occurring to them to get a pregnancy test?

NOW?!?!! After they’ve called friends on the phone at an hour inconvenient enough to have disturbed them in bed?

Apparently, the advice from the friends should have gone something along the lines of “When a man and a woman love each other very, very much….”, because they seem a might uncertain as to how the act of conception actually takes place.

Why is Damon passed out? Doesn’t Jan have any car insurance? Can anyone help?

Geico!

Wow–in the 6th’s strip, *poof*, Damon is aaaaalllllll bettah! See, that’s why I don’t date black conservatives–always fainting at inconvenient times, and then popping back up, professing that everything’s A-OK. It’s disturbing.

Latest comic…
She’s a liberal who’s been mugged ergo she cares not for the dead person “That’s-terrible. Still…” (she’s become a republican and dead, thievy person deserves a crushing, fiery death).
He has not achieved his womb baby so he needs to consult with known liberal people who know about wombs, so he is acting like a crazy liberal who would actually talk to womb baby slayers by going to planned parenthood (get it, he wants to be a parent, so it must be planned).
Luckily we have Red who realises the amazing transformation that has occurred. We must not go there, but we must. Oh, the power of the forbidden.
The guy who writes this is a complete tool.

All this time I thought she said “squinted” and I was just imagining “squirted”. Ewww….Ignorance is bliss.

Of course she’s not dead. The only comic writer who can competently portray death in his strip is Trudeau (To Muir’s dismay, I am sure)

But bad as they are, the remixes are great fodder. After all , the DFC went for five years, and Keane is nearly as bad a hack as Muir. And also had women with goofy shapes.

I thought “Awful news, I’m not late” meant that she wasn’t pregnant after all, because her period was on time (even though that point was totally confused by Damon’s concern that she was “late” as in “late getting home.”). Apparently she learned from her research that if your monthly cycle isn’t running late, you’re not pregnant.

So now she has her period and he’s calling Planned Parenthood for some “answers”? Answers to what? She’s NOT PREGNANT, Chief. At least I think not. God, this twerpy strip is confusing. Can you get a picture of Muir and superimpose one of those animated twirly spirals, like over the Hinderaker pic?

Maybe Muir is really a very smart guy, going for a William Gaddis thing where everyone talks at once, misunderstanding or ignoring what anyone else says and things only get resolved by sheer fluke or horrible external mishaps. And he’s doing it in three panels rather than 700 page novels.

And still finds room for boobies and butt cleavage!

Umm, isn’t the redhead supposed to speak in yellow?

mikey

“That’s terrible… still…”

Still what? It IS terrible. Muir can’t imagine even for a work of fiction that someone might feel sympathy or sorrow for a horrible death without qualifying it. I guess he’ll be able sympathize with the loss of the car, though: “People died? Eh. OH GOD, MY CAR! *sob*”

what kind of hippie place is this, that doesn’t think execution is an appropriate punishment for grand theft auto?@! bunch of moonbats. Your Bush hatred has taken you over the edge.

But Muir killed that blastocyte! Torches! Get the rope!

tigrismus, I was thinking the exact same thing. What’s the unfinished thought after ‘Still …’?

Let’s try to guess:

– ‘Still … born. At least I won’t have a stillborn child in that car, because it got crushed by a semi with a car thief in it.’ … nah, probably not.

– ‘Still … crazy … after all … these years. Sorry, Damon, but I always break into song when I think about car thieves getting burnt to a crisp!’ … maybe.

– ‘Still … life with dead criminal. BWAHAHAHA! That would be a great painting! I’d totally hang it over the fireplace where we burn plastic John Kerry dolls to piss off environmentalists!’ … bingo!

On another note, what’s up with the declarative ‘What.’ in the second panel? And what ‘answers’ does Planned Parenthood have? Stop messin’ with my brain, Chris Muir!

I assumed the Planned Parenthood reference meant there was some analogy between this car crash and an abortion that, somehow, we are all missing. S, N! needs an “Al” to explain it to us.

Felt inspired….

http://snafuprinciple.blogspot.com/2006/09/day-by-day-spoof-contest.html

On another note, what’s up with the declarative ‘What.’ in the second panel?

Liberal Girl isn’t all that perturbed over the death of the car thief (wussy liberals would be all over the criminal’s suffering). And Conservative Guy thinks Planned Parenthood might help them have a baby or at least help them figure out in future if they’re having a baby (wingers normally think PP is the debbil).

It’s like some weird Freaky Friday thing and Yellow Speech Balloon Girl is giving them a Look. So Liberal Girl goes “What are you looking at?”

I’m not saying it makes sense but that’s how I read it.

“Awful news, I’m not late�

Actually, continuing in the great Muir tradition of having things back asswards, this is totally like fucking wrong.

If pregnancy is a problem for them, and her period doesn’t arrive on schedule, making her think she is pregnant, then if her period starts, what has happened is that she WAS late. So “I was late” would mean I’m NOT pregnant. “I’m not late” means “I am pregnant” instead of having a late period.

If they don’t want the baby, the right thing to say would be “Good news, I was [only] late [not pregnant].”

If they want the baby, the thing to say would be, “Awful news, I thought I was pregnant but it was just that my period was late.”

So God knows what the fuck “Awful news, I’m not late” is supposed to mean.

Even irony doesn’t explain it.

“Of course she’s not dead. The only comic writer who can competently portray death in his strip is Trudeau”

Well, apart from Art Spiegleman, Joe Sacco, Will fucking Eisner, Gilbert and Jaime Hernandez, Dave Sim, Harvey Pekar…

Oh.

You mean comic strip artist. Daily comic strip artist. American, living daily comic strip artist, even.

There’s, um…. Lynn Johnston! No, wait— She’s Canadian. Uh, nevermind.

Sorry grampaw.

I’ll get offa your lawn now.

Bill Watterson could have done it, I bet.

Damn straight.

“Bill Watterson could have done it, I bet.”

He might indeed have the chops even today, but there was no place for the death of a major (or even minor) character in the strip he’s famous for.

If we’re going to include artists who we suspect had the ability, but didn’t have an appropriate vehicle, then the list is going to balloon— Bill Griffith, Charles Schultz, Walt Kelly, George Herriman, etc etc.

Okay, so almost every cartoonist EXCEPT Muir, Keane, and Jim Davis could handle death.

Sheesh. You guys take your comics seriously, don’t you?

Bill Watterson DID deal with death, sort of, He had a storyline in “Calvin & Hobbs” in which they came upon an injured animal (a raccoon, I think), and, although Calvin runs to his mother to get help for it (leaving Hobbes to “watch” it), the animal dies. It’s actually kind of touching-I found myself tearing up a bit. (That probably says more about me than it does about Watterson.)

Yeah- I remember that one. Mom ends up realizing she’s upset because she’s talking to the stuffed tiger.

Good one.

“every cartoonist EXCEPT Muir, Keane, and Jim Davis”

And many, many others, perhaps the most infuriating of whom would be Mort Walker.

Come on, Mort, 56 years as a private, as of last Monday, and the guy has never even been deployed?

Wait, grampaw, you want Beetle Baily deployed?!
Why do you hate America so?

Then, on Thursday, Muir inexplicably drops the whole pregnancy-and-car-thieving story line for… “hilarious” dialogue coming out of the White House and the Capitol. What th’?!?

Marq, I think Muir is just suffering a mental block. In his case, a laxative would help.