Your reputation precedes you, Mister Bond.

Pasty broke the internets!

We really do need to p-shop out the microphone and replace it with a can of Elmer’s paste.

Or the cock he’s gonna slap you with.

No, no, no. Replace with this or, even better, this.

In fact, redo the whole gaddamed thing in manga.

…and enjoy the linkalanche from Den Beste.

Is that picture really Jeff Goldstein? If so, now I’m really thrilled that he banished me for making fun of his sillyass hat!

And, yes, I understand I can put more than one sentence in a comment.

I think I prefer Pam the water demon.

Thank you for ruining my childhood. *sob* I’m never going to get the image of that pony out of my head.

That jackass got a job yet?

How about a contest?

Not sure I get the concept of fucking pizza. Is that pizza and a fuck from the delivery person (special today! Free jar of lube!) ? A pizza you can fuck? Or is it fucking pizza on a fucking plane?

Help me out here guys.

Man. If they’re gonna start demanding it, you guys oughtta start charging ’em.

Damn. See, if MY hair looked like that, I would say to myself, “Damn. I really need a good shampoo-ing, and some serious condition action. Then a new barber” not, “Alright! Video time!”
Take note of the “failed HS football player” look in his face.

That’s the problem with short hair. Every day can be a bad hair day.

I have the sudden urge to watch SNL: The Lost “Tim Kazurinsky” Years.

Thank you for ruining my childhood. *sob* I’m never going to get the image of that pony out of my head.

As someone who let their child play with (the G-rated version) those freakish “My Little Ponies,” I have to say I didn’t think they could get worse. And I was wrong.

H.R. Giger penis landscape, from the game Darkseed. I think I’ve got a bigger one somewhere around here.

P.S. (NSFW)

Andrew,
Jesus God, that P.S. is horrible. I’m serious, that might be the most depressing goddamn thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Man, who buys one of those? I thought I had anti-social tendencies and a healthy dose of misanthropy, but how much loathing for humanity do you have to have to look at that and say, “Now, that’s what I’ve been waiting for. Fuck it, world, I give up!”

That wouldn’t even be funny as a joke, cause there’s someone, somewhere, using it for what it was intended. Gah.

Bravely mouthing a microphone here so he won’t have to go anywhere near there.

Well, that certainly looks damning. Those horrible liberals!

Of course, there’s always the prospect that people generally aren’t very well informed…

http://www.boingboing.net/2006/08/17/talking_to_americans.html

Note: Just because this pokes fun at Americans doesn’t mean I think they’re particularly dense – if you tried this in Scotland, Russia, Australia or Brazil I imagine you’d get the same result.

Especially in Scotland.

Push-Up Paste flavor!

First the Atlas Juggs vlogs, and now that P.S. product above.

You guys should change the name of the blog from Sadly, No! to Goodbye, Boners!

There is a silver lining to the PS product: it’s a “special order item and is not available for immediate delivery.” I suppose that means that there’s limited demand for this object, and things aren’t quite so bad as they could be.

A more pessimistic view would be that, within a year or two, said toy will be the subject of an infomercial starring Ron Jeremy.

Rick Mercer can and should be enjoyed by all. The bit where he gets our president to express gratitude for “Prime Minister Poutine’s endorsement” will always hold a place in my heart.

Not just because he didn’t know who the hell the PM was, that’s common enough though one would hope for better from a presidential candidate. But because the man didn’t think it was at all strange that the head of a foreign government would be meddling in our internal elections. He seriously had no idea of the sort of diplomatic incident that would be one country influencing another country’s elections. That should have warned us about the whole “regime change” crap right there.

Goldstein’s thing–whatever it is–has received the big thumbs-up from Malkin:

Think Ali G + Adam Sandler + Stephen Colbert + Mark Steyn. Only better.

Watch what happens–and put down any beverages before tuning in. Make Jeff a regular Friday download and be sure to read him daily at Protein Wisdom.

Think Ali G + Adam Sandler + Stephen Colbert + Mark Steyn. Only better.

Think caramel + excrement + chocolate + urine. Only better.

It’s good to see that even though Malkin obviously despises Muslims and illegal immigrants, she has no problem with employing Oompah Loompahs.

Off topic, but hie thee to here.

Is this the son of Coach Dave?

WF

Think Ali G + Adam Sandler + Stephen Colbert + Mark Steyn. Only better.

They still don’t get that Stephen Colbert is satire, do they?

Is this the son of Coach Dave?

Holy crap, I believe it is Coach Dave Jr. It turns out Son of Spaghetti Puller is into kiddie porn. Well, who woulda thunk? Nice parenting, Coach Dave! Your Christian family values are second to none.

Is this the son of Coach Dave?

Why yes, yes it is! You can read a statement from Coach Dave here.

Here’s a great quote:

We are told by the experts that pornography is a victimless crime. We thank God that our son’s self-inflicted sin didn’t bring physical harm to anyone, but the fact is the landscape is scattered with those wounded by his actions.

OK, this guy gets caught downloading “video of young girls having sex with adult men”, and Coach Dave is glad that no one was physically harmed by his action? Try again, asshole. I note that Coach Dave manages to omit that it was (as described in the Pandagon link) child pornography. Which, you know, most (normal) people will differentiate from pornography with consentual participation.

What a spaghetti pusher.

I do like that he’s been sued by the ACLU though (again, in the Pandagon link). That knowledge made my evening.

What I want to know is where exactly is the out of frame voice modulator he’s using so that, for once, he does not sound like a helium-huffing Bart Connor on some ESPN Classic re-run of Wide world of sports. It’s either that, or his testicles have finally dropped since the last time I heard (and laughed at) his adenoidal voice.

I’ve had a post in the fridge here for a week or so about his last “yay torture” post. Maybe I ought to complete it.

Gavin, you suggested Giger — well, how about the Giger art for Debbie Harry’s “Koo-Koo” album? Only with cocks instead of spikes.

They still don’t get that Stephen Colbert is satire, do they?

Fiver, they still don’t get the whole “satire” concept. That’s how they can watch Pasty make an even bigger fool of himself than usual, right out in public for all the world and park security to see, and still laugh their tiny pink brains out. I suspect K-Lo would find every middle schoolers’ favorite, the burning sack of dogpoop, a little too ‘intellektual’ for her tastes. Of course, anybody with a functioning sense of humor would have seen through Dubya long since…

Okay, I went and read the local news story about Coach Dave’s son Zac. He was downloading and trading kiddie porn. Coach Dave’s reaction was predictably fucking moronic:

“I tell people this: go home tonight and check your child’s computer. Look into their files and hack into their files. It was in our home under our eyes,” Dave Daubenmire said emotionally.

First of all, Coach Dave’s son is 24 years old. He’s a grown man. A sick fucking kiddie porn enthusiast of a grown man, but a grown man nonetheless. I just have to say this to Coach Dave:

YOUR FUCKING SON IS 24 YEARS OLD AND STILL LIVING AT HOME, DOWNLOADING KIDDIE PORN. In short, you have raised pretty much the most pathetic individual possible. All the Jesus in the world hasn’t kept your douchebag kid from turning into a disgusting perv. They should throw your son’s degenerate ass in jail.

I note that Coach Dave manages to omit that it was (as described in the Pandagon link) child pornography.

Yes, I noticed that too. What a fucking scumbag asshole. It was CHILD pornography. He was using tapes of young girls getting raped to sexually stimulate himself. Nice guy.

Oh yeah, and back on topic, in the brief portion of that video (Hot Air? Honestly.) I was able to make it through (it was just too much like some bad candid camera show that would end up on UPN in the middle of the night), I note he couldn’t resist making reference to his penis: (“How am I an antisemite? I’m circumsized!”)

I bet he put it in there just for you, Retardo. Can’t run the risk of letting someone else catch your attention.

Wow. The vacuuous banality of Goldstein and his antics has sucked all the intelligence from my brain. I am now a moran.

What was that supposed to prove?

In short, you have raised pretty much the most pathetic individual possible. All the Jesus in the world hasn’t kept your douchebag kid from turning into a disgusting perv.

Now, c’mon. Yer gonna talk the talk, don’tcha think you oughta walk the walk? Ask yourself: How could the son of this mentally defective freak have turned out right? I get pissed when Republican pricks use the whole “personal responsibility” thang to make people responsible for the things that were done TO them. Sure, this kid had the option to NOT commit a crime by trading child porn, but I’m gonna tell you this kid was damaged goods from the day he was born. Can you imagine the pain in his life growing up with asshat as his dad?

Lemme put it this way. There was a long period in my life where I was angry and hurt. i didn’t know what was wrong with me. I felt guilty and sad and wanted to die. Look, things had happened to me that I couldn’t process and didn’t know how to deal. Know what they did? They put me in jail. More than once. Sure, the actual CRIME is horrible and unforgiveable. And that’s when you gotta start at least thinking about forgiving. ‘Cause if you get the right external pressures, coupled with a lack of help and a little interpersonal friction, it’s YOU! Friends and neighbors, please don’t ever let political disagreements take away your compassion and humanity – that’s for them, and we ARE better than them…

mikey

Wow. The vacuuous banality of Goldstein and his antics has sucked all the intelligence from my brain. I am now a moran.

I just took a look at the punctuation in my last comment, and I’d like to go on record that the video clearly affected me as well. I think my brain has been temporarily Groganized. That bastard!

What was that supposed to prove?

Um, that his cheesy caricature of a peace-loving lefty was slightly more believable than his cheesy caricature of a right-wing nut job?

I suggest y’all set Goldstein aside for the moment and do something with Hot Air’s new star, Bethany of realVerse.

Agree with Mikey. I do have one nagging doubt about this whole thing, though … are we sure it wasn’t Coach Dave his ownself who downloaded the porn, then let his son take the fall?

Mikey, you’re right, Coach Jr. needs help (and possibly sympathy), but not as much as the victimized children in the alleged download need help and sympathy. Yeah, growing up –and I use that term loosely– in that whacked-out household obviously screwed that boy up but good. That does not excuse his actions. (Not that that was what you were implying.)

You’re right, mikey. It’s a sad situation all around. I’m sure Zac Daubenmire’s life has sucked in all kinds of ways for a long time.

Still, fuck Coach Dave and everything he stands for. And fuck him for glossing over this whole thing and minimizing the fact that this was CHILD pornography.

What? You’ve posted marcus’ cock-buffing comments and everybody’s favourite steel-mill related activities troll hasn’t brightened the thread yet?

Nope, you’re right, mom. The crime WAS committed. The criminal justice system is going to work it’s methodical process. We’re observers. We get to decide, but we’ll have no affect on the outcome. We have only to say “how do I feel about this event, and how do I want to present those feelings at S,N!? No different than we would with tony snow or pastor swank. But how DO we feel? Do we want some biblical eye-for-an-eye justice that our society has taught us is our due? Or do we want to take a step back (STILL addressing the actual transgression) and consider the human fucking being under the police report? Do we want to allow ourselves to care that there is a broken human under that funny story? Here’s the mikey sharia in this case. The kid gets real one to one therapy forever, one of the girl’s dad’s gets to kick coach dave in the balls and we call it even….

mikey

And, as usual, you’re right JK. We DO still have the right to get angry and consider the victims. There’s no exclusivity here. We just don’t need to strap on and head out to get even. We need to make it better. How ’bout this? From old testament to THIRD testament? Real modern thinkers would write it, like a wiki!! No, go with me on this. “OK, we know the whole magic invisible supreme being thing was kinda stupid, but people didn’t KNOW any better and they DID deserve an explanation, didn’t they?” Now, we can get some kind of secular guidebook we could agree on?

mikey

Wow, I saw that story yesterday on some blog and I didn’t connect it to our very own Coach Dave.

And fuck Coach Dave. I detect of note of contentment at the very end: “Well, my son is a perv and is in serious legal trouble that could cause me to only see him through wire mesh for the next ten years, that is, if he isn’t gutted by a shiv made out of a toothbrush by a con wanting to make his mark, but hey, it’s all good, at least out of the smoldering ruins of his life, there’s a chance he’ll accept the Baby Jeebus as his personal Lord and Savior”.

Or maybe I’m just projecting here.

Um, despite that horrible haircut –dude, the end product of your mom, a bowl and a pair of scissors isn’t a happening look these days– I think Jeff is a bit of a hottie when he’s clean shaven. No, really. [cuts and runs]

I love Coach Dave’s response, particularly the ‘it could happen to anyone’ aspect, like it was just some fluke of nature that the kiddie porn just leapt onto his son’s hard drive. Also, he’s real quick to attribute it to some vague “addiction” (see, it’s Coach Jr. who’s the real victim here!) – and here I thought rock-ribbed conservatives took responsibility for their actions, unlike those pussy-ass liberals who always have some morally relativistic explanation for everything evil that is done (and which is the leading cause of social and family decay in these formerly pristine and god-fearing United States). Add in some maundering about this being a ‘victimless’ crime and the suggestion that his fault was his in not monitoring his 24 year old son’s computer usage closely enough and you get a spectacular 98/100 on the weasel scale.

Add in some maundering about this being a ‘victimless’ crime and the suggestion that his fault was his in not monitoring his 24 year old son’s computer usage closely enough and you get a spectacular 98/100 on the weasel scale.

Exactly. It’s not that Coach Dave is a shitty parent, it’s just that “porn” is eeeevil. Not kiddie porn, REGULAR porn. He makes the argument that it’s a slippery slope from looking at naked women to having a stockpile of kiddie porn on your computer. What a crock of horseshit. Fucking asshole. I’d like to cram his Jeebus baseball cap up his ass.

“I’m thinking like a tile of something like this.”

Ah! My little phony!

It’s like someone took Gary Shandling and raped the funny out of him.

Mikey, you are truly a good and decent human being. Seriously. You are always the voice of our better selves.

If some librul’s son did the same thing, Coach Dave would want to hang him high. Wingnuts are such hypocrites.

I note he couldn’t resist making reference to his penis: (�How am I an antisemite? I’m circumsized!�)

Ohmigod. That’s beautiful. That really, really is. It’s only proof you’re not an anti-Semite if you did it yourself.

My own parents baptised me and pushed me through First Communion. I dislike Catholicism anyway. I am, frankly, anti-Pope. Those were evidences of my parents’ faith, or at least desire to appear faithful, not mine.

In other words, what have you done for Judaism *lately*?

Gav, r/e teh “My Little Penis”icorn as a tile background: do it. Do it now!

I thought his line, “Patriots don’t wear flip-flops,” was genuinely, if only mildy, funny. Of course, he kinda stepped all over it by repeating it several times, and he whole Johnny-Cash-wearing-flip-flops graphic was really just overkill.

It’s also interesting that, in his inane conclusion, he never considered that most people are generally unwilling to talk much to annoying douchebags with petitions while they’re trying to enjoy themselves in the park on one of the two days they don’t have to work. I know I am – and I don’t even have a job!

I’m glad someone else noticed that Sister Toldja left about 8 gazillion comments, mostly about wanting to see Goldstein stripped to the waist and oiled up:

Sister Toldjah-you claim to be conservative, then slam on Ann Coulter you cant handle strong women so you ask men to explain their attraction to her. Who cares! You seem horny and it’s gross!

Someone else used the term “mancandy.”

He should be nominated for some sort of acting award. He takes method acting to a new level. Regardless of whether he is portraying a redneck or longhair with a stick up their ass, he actually walks around like he has a stickup his ass. Brilliant.

Here is a prime example of why you never take you eyes off your kids at the park. If I found my kids talking with this guy at the park, they would be in some trouble. “Here is the thing kids, do not talk to crazies yammering on about the Jews, Zionist conspiracy, or killing with a Mexican bolo tie garrote.� Not cool.