>>In the meantime, is it not strange how silent is the sound of Muslim nations remaining mute over their own kind wanting to slay humans via plane blow-ups?

For that matter, I’ve yet to hear them comdemn “Snakes on a Plane.”

The good Pastor’s writing is almost poetic. Almost.

Well, when’s the last time you heard a Christian nation (heck, Pat Robertson even) pleading for the KKK to cut out the “race-war” crap?
I especially enjoy the distinction made between Muslims and humans… Nice touch, Swanky. A stunning return to form…

I wonder, previously guessing, if his speech method is as disjointed and uncomfortable to hear as writing for him is having been read.

Though the Iranian leadership, prior thugs, is not all that intelligent, it is bellicose, bent on destruction.

That’s four, count ‘em four, commas in a 17-word sentence.

Wow. Swank’s CWR (comma to word ratio) soars up to a 0.235! He might be a second round draft pick this year, just behind Ka’ye G’rog’an and her world record 0.482!

Put the world’s air and land together and you have the planet.

Well, you have about 30% of the planet. You don’t have any of the seas and oceans.

(Shhh! Don’t mention seas or people might think about the huge security hole in ocean cargo!)

“Put the world’s air and land together and you have the planet. Put all that in the hands of the murdering Muslims and you have a sphere surrounded by gleeful demons via Islam the cult.”

The Swank One seems to have forgotten the 75% of the world that’s covered by water. Ah well, if the muslamics take over the air and the land, via plane blow-ups or other methods, we can always go live on huge rafts, like in the Costner movie. That would be cool.

Dang it!! Beaten to the punch again!

I want my Pastor Swank Fridge Magnet Poetry set!

Sorry, that should be:

My Fridge Magnets of Swank the Pastor, the poetry set, with commas additional, extra, in surplus, want I, want I!

>>in the midst of planetary confusion>is it not strange how silent is the sound of Muslim nations remaining mute

Dammit!! Where did the rest of my comment go?

“in the midst of planetary confusion”

Are there planets messing up their orbits? Or could it be…oh my god, Mooslims from Mars?!

“is it not strange how silent is the sound of Muslim nations remaining mute”

Cause I was really expecting some loud muteness. Strange innit.

I think, come the holidays, we should all send Swank, Coach Dave, Marie Jon’ and all the rest a fruitcake and a package of Ranch dressing mix. One from each of us. The only text on the card should be, “If the shoe fits”.

In the meantime, is it not strange how silent is the sound of Muslim nations remaining mute over their own kind wanting to slay humans via plane blow-ups?

Oooh, him card read good!

“Put the world’s air and land together and you have the planet.”

What about the water? Isn’t he missing something? (Oops. You guys beat me and Buzz too.)

“plane blow-ups?”

I am imagining inflatable airplanes, you know, or maybe those big inflatable play-structures. A plane over there, a “safe sphere” over here! Great party!

Actually, I would feel a little better about things if one or two of the officially Muslim nations would issue statements condemning this blowing-up-of-things business. Did I miss it where they had done so, or is there some reason why they shouldn’t, or do we all assume it goes without saying? I understand that these governments are not responsible for the actions of a relative few, but I think it would help the whole PR effort.

Ignorantly,
Lucy

Therefore, biblical believers hold their very futures in the hands of the biblical God

How do you hold something in someone else’s hands? Even for this kind of metaphorical holding-in-hands, I would think they would at least have to be your own metaphorical hands.

And wouldn’t “biblical believers” refer to folks in the Bible who believe [something]?

Muslims now hold the planet’s atmosphere hostage with the recent plot to blow up thousands of mortals on ten airplanes.

Yes,. but are they holding the atmosphere hostile, along with our allies?</Bushism>

Lucy,

would we even hear about it from our media if they did issue statements? As well, who do you believe should issue those statements? Iran? Egypt? Lebanon? Anything that came out of these areas would be treated as propaganda and unreleased to the public in any form. As well, we don’t even have the people to translate the speeches and comments fast enough. A statement against the terrorists could come and go amidst all of the choss and no one would ever know any better. And why do you think our current PR project in demonizing the Mooslims would allow for a statement to get to us? That would be anti-American and why do you hate America, Lucy?

I am imagining inflatable airplanes, you know, or maybe those big inflatable play-structures. A plane over there, a “safe sphere� over here! Great party!

Blow-up…planes? EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

“Actually, I would feel a little better about things if one or two of the officially Muslim nations would issue statements ”

Um….why should they? These guys were British citizens of Pakistani descent. The idea that Egypt, say, or Saudi Arabia, or Indonesia should issue statements about the doings of British citizens of non-Arabic descent is silly.

What, should we demand that Peru issue statements, too? The Republic of Tonga? Did we hear Poland or Norway issuing statements of condemnation when the Christian Timothy McVeigh blew up the Federal building in OK City?

Shorter Swank: Defend against global theocracy using global theocracy.

“I think, come the holidays, we should all send Swank, Coach Dave, Marie Jon’ and all the rest a fruitcake and a package of Ranch dressing mix. One from each of us. The only text on the card should be, “If the shoe fitsâ€?. ”

I’d also throw in some boiled spaghetti. Then we’ll see what kind of wingnut they REALLY are…

I think, come the holidays, we should all send Swank, Coach Dave, Marie Jon’ and all the rest a fruitcake and a package of Ranch dressing mix. One from each of us. The only text on the card should be, “If the shoe fits�.

Don’t forget Amber Pawlik! But then, they’re all just spaghetti-pushers….

Poetic almost? Pastor Swank is poetic entirely. It’s a thing of beauty. He just needs a good editor.

How silent is the sound of Muslim nations
remaining mute over their own kind
wanting to slay humans
via
plane
blow-ups?

How strange.
Isn’t it?

Strange, Swank, yes. But strangely beautiful.

I thought that the US was holding the atmosphere hostage by refusing to abide by the Kyoto protocols?

“Actually, I would feel a little better about things if one or two of the officially Muslim nations would issue statements condemning this blowing-up-of-things business.” The Pakistani government helped the British uncover the hijacking plot and arrested participants in Pakistan. That good enough?

In the meantime, is it not strange how silent is the sound of Muslim nations remaining mute over their own kind wanting to slay humans via plane blow-ups?

Ok… I defy anyone to diagram that sentence.

Love the Bad Dudes reference. Now that’s blogging.

I keep reading Pastor Swank as Pastor’s Wank. I think it’s some kind of code, a special technique of hiding behind the pulpit as you whip out your baby carrot and stroke it between forefinger and thumb, all the while decrying to the congregation (all five of them) your deep and abiding hatred of all those secular Mooslum homosexual jihadists making plane blow-ups and giving themselves therapy on 9/11 LIBERALS LIBERALS LIBERALS LIBERALS NED LAMONT AL QUEDA MOMMY WHY DIDN’T YOU LOVE ME UUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Ahem, where was I? Oh yes, now let’s take a look at Leviticus…

It is also crazed with the cultic notion of the Muslim messiah returning in the midst of planetary confusion.

*Bang* *Head* *On* *Wall*

ACG has brought beauty and form where before dominated only crazy-nutty Swank-rant. I haven’t seen prose this wonderful–and I should know–since I read some mid-50s essay by L. Ron Hubbard.

For pete’s sake, I’m not talking about the British guys or any specific incident. And I’m not talking about requiring governments to apologize or take responsibility for what their citizens do. I’m talking about this thing that has turned into a global “Islam vs the West” shootout/hatefest and how it would be nice if I would hear some public statement that certain officially Muslim governments are against their fellow Muslims’ growing violence. Don’t throw Timothy McVeigh in my face. I would have thought that my long history of posting here would have bought me some goodwill and leniency when I ask a real question that might possibly be considered a touchy subject, but it seems you want to paint me as a dyed-in-the-wool Swankster. If I’m not officially up to speed on the party line, I beg your indulgence. Things are going too far when we are so wrought up that we turn on each other.

Put all that in the hands of the murdering Muslims and you have a sphere surrounded by gleeful demons via Islam the cult.

How are they surrounding the sphere? Are they in orbit? Have the muslim killers global gone extra – terrestrial? Is this another reason for the bush/cheney cabal to militarize outer space?

mikey

Next summer’s big hit: Swanks on a Plane. Samuel Jackson finds himself on a 14 hour flight with nothing to read only to discover he has been seated next to the Pastor. The script pretty much itself writes.

“I am imagining inflatable airplanes…”

The airlines have been screwing you; its time to start screwing them back!

And it adds a whole new dimension to war porn – how many keyboard commandos would pay big bucks to do an F-16? Interchangable payloads to grasp… missile firing with explosion sounds as a climax … steely voice saying “the world is safer for you now” at the end … I could make a fortune with those! Best of all, it would keep a lot of them from posting for a little while.

Lucy,

Think about it this way: who is it turning into an “Islam vs. the West” shootout? Why didn’t the IRA bombings ever turn into a “Damn Micks against the World” or the Basque Separatists in Spain become a “Basque v. Europe” shootout?

Who’s been going around conflating every extremist group that happens to be Muslim in one big plot? Who doesn’t know the difference–or care–between Al Qaeda, Hamas, Hezbollah, and Islamic Jihad? Here’s a hint:

Let me remind everybody that the war — that terrorists spent years plotting September 11th. Hezbollah has been active as a terrorist organization for decades. Hamas has been on the terror watch list for many years. Jimiya Islamia [sic] and other groups have also been on the terror watch list for years. So the fact is that the Iraq war has become a central point as Prime Minister Maliki has pointed out and the President said, as well, because terrorists are trying to figure out if Western governments have the will — and also governments in the region have the will to stand up to isolated acts of terror that are designed to frighten and disrupt nations. The President said, no, it’s not going to happen in the case of the United States of America….
(Answer here)

Though the Iranian leadership, prior thugs, is not all that intelligent…

Man, being called dumb by Swanky’s gotta chafe.

“I would have thought that my long history of posting here would have bought me some goodwill and leniency ”

….sorry Lucy. I guess I was projecting my knee-jerk ire against wing-nuts who always pull the “Well, I didn’t hear THEM say anything against XXXX when YYYYYY…!” card. Didn’t mean to specifically go off on your comment even tho it may have sounded that way….

trying to project goodwill and leniency now……;-)

Bloggo, all I meant by inflatable planes was like a Clown-Bounce, not inflatable, er, adult toys……but you do raise interesting possibilties….what would it mean for the Mile-High Club?

He’s right you know. Anybody who’d take any of that “messiah returning” rubbish seriously is definitely missing a few screws.

What?

In the meantime, is it not strange how silent is the sound of Muslim nations remaining mute over their own kind wanting to slay humans via plane blow-ups?

“plane blow-ups?” Is English NOT his first language?

Who else pictured a giggling Pastor Swank banging out this boilerplate nuttiness while repeatedly watching Spaceballs and slamming the sacramental wine?

Muslims now hold the planet’s atmosphere hostage with the recent plot to blow up thousands of mortals, on ten airplanes.

Does that mean he believes that there are immortals around?

He just sounds crazier and crazier everytime I read anything by him.

“Plane blow-ups”? The fuck is that? Sweet jerkin’ off Jesus, this screed is so incoherent, so out-where-the-buses-don’t-run, so flat-out looney, it actually pisses me off someone quite probably pays this dingaling to write it. He says the Muslim “world rule is “void of reality”, and then he says it’s a “dark reality”. Have any of the jackasses stirring up shit in the Middle East actually said, yeah, we wanna run the whole world? Does anyone who doesn’t hear voices think they could actually do it? And the God bit…our only hope is to really, really believe in God, otherwise we’re screwed. Yeah, sure…like God’s gonna start backing the French or something if we don’t straighten up. Sheesh…

Some days I think there just simply isn’t enough pot in the world to deal with that sort of nonsense. But I’ll give it my best.

“Next summer’s big hit: Swanks on a Plane. Samuel Jackson finds himself on a 14 hour flight with nothing to read only to discover he has been seated next to the Pastor. The script pretty much itself writes.”

Jackson character: “I am sick of these motherfuckin’ Swanks!”

I think when Swank gets excited, he starts forgetting words longer than seven letters (“blow-ups” rather than “explosions”) and his adjectives take on lives of their own.

But coming right after a Coach Dave column, we can see who the true wingnut’s wingnut is – Coach Dave becomes almost Bombeckian in his prose compared to the rarified, zen-like nuttiness that is Tha Pastor. Swank never gets old or repetitive.

No reliance on goofy similes like spaghetti here. Nope- just plain old fashioned reactionary theocratci looniness! Now all we need is simple declarative off-the-point nonsense from Ruppert, and you’ve got a classic.

Excellent work on the transcription, there, ACG.

Oh, my…this is the very bestest laugh I’ve had in days. Thank you all for your hilarious comments on our most beloved – and incoherent – Pastor Swank.

How strange, isn’t it?

That pretty much sums it up. On several levels.

I’m gunna go kill me some humans with plane-blow-ups.

“Bad enough dude”…nice.

I believe it was Philosopher Schwarzenegger who once said: “LET DE PEOPLE HAVE DEIR AI-IR!!” – unless my total recall is faulty.

“But coming right after a Coach Dave column, we can see who the true wingnut’s wingnut is – Coach Dave becomes almost Bombeckian in his prose compared to the rarified, zen-like nuttiness that is Tha Pastor. Swank never gets old or repetitive.”

“Bombeckian”… TC that’s beautiful!

And, Zen-like indeed! Swank needs a poetic collection along the lines of that Rumsfeld book, “Pieces Of Intelligence” I propose the following title: “Zen And The Art of Plane-Blow-Ups” or “Homo-Nups, Muslamics, And You”
Or, “Hello, Lucifer-God? It’s Me, Margaret”

Verbal constructions such as these beg for poetic interpretation.
I think i would laugh about 50% as much as I do if not for the J-Swank…
S,N rulez!!11!!!

(Shhh! Don’t mention seas or people might think about the huge security hole in ocean cargo!)

I’m still wondering why we haven’t declared war on the oceans. I mean, Bush says they don’t protect us anymore. Clearly, they are terror-symps, and must be dealt with accordingly.

I propose dropping tanks into them until they surrender.

Awww yeah. I loooves me some Swanksta.

When I see that pic of Pastor Swank, I hear Little River Band.

the recent plot to blow up thousands of mortals on ten airplanes.

The way this is phrased makes it sound like Swank is some kind of deathless being commenting on the brief lives of human beings.

I prefer my boy blow-up to my plane blow-up.

hmm, how do we turn off the imbedded text?

Homo-nups. Plane blow-ups. Fruit Roll-Ups. I’m sensing a grand, Swankerific theme!

OK. I threw in the Fruit Roll-Ups to get my theme thingummie to work. Big deal. What, you mean this is a reality-based community? Well, shit.

Never mind.

I got nothing. This Pastor is just too much for me.

Snakes on a Blow-Up Plane…one off-target strike wit’ dem fangs, and that plane is a goner.

Lucy, I am not a frequent commenter here so I am afraid whatever goodwill and leniency you have built up is elsewhere. I suggest you try a marvelous invention called “Google”. If you have a friend with access to the Internets, they may have heard of this marvelous invention.

I typed “muslim nations condemn violence” into the magic searchy thinger and this was hit #2: condemnation of the 7/7 London bombings by the governments of Iran, Syria, Lebanon, and Morocoo, a representative of the Egyptian government, and representatives of Hamas and Hezbollah. Oh, and some Islamic scholars.

Now, are you going to blame them for not breaking down your door to say this to you personally, or are you going to exert a little effort before your indignation next time?

Prince Bandar slapped his boyfriend down for using the idiotic term “Islamic fascists”. Pretty goddamn funny. chickengeorge had to apologize.

I can see where this is all headed. The location? India, with its Hindu and Buddhist sects as well as a significant Muslim minority, plus, two other important ingredients: nukes and cattle. Militants in the Muslim population will decide to strike at the Hindus where they least expect it–through their sacred cows. Now, you’re thinking, “What? Eat ’em?”, but it’s far more insidious than that. Over time, more and more Muslims will be seen helping care for the sacred cows, feeding, bathing, cleaning up after them. The Hindus will be apprehensive and confused at first, but plainly the Muslims aren’t harming the cows in any way, so it is allowed, eventually becoming unnoticeable. Ah, but they are up to something! As they care for the cows, the Muslims quietly sharing stories from the Qu’ran, evangelizing, as it were. Then one day, a shocked Indian nation must face reality-the sacred cows are no longer Hindu, they’ve all converted. They’re Mooslims now. And that’s when the enraged Hindus, their religion ruined, turn to their nuclear weapons….

In the meantime, is it not strange how silent is the sound of Muslim nations remaining mute ….

It’s a tautology!
No! It’s a non-sequitur!
You’re both wrong: It’s the metaphor from hell!

Oh Marq, you’re such an evil genius! I presume these Moo-slims will produce only low-fat milk. And, you know, it will serve India right. They should be taking better care of those sacred cows instead of calling me at all hours with promises of cheap phone calls.

Embedded text is the new italics!

“…It is also crazed with the cultic notion of the Muslim messiah returning in the midst of planetary confusion.”

does it stike anyone else as breathtakingly ironic that obsessive Christians also share the “cultic notion” that THEIR messiah is going to return “in the midst of planetary confusion”, and that Christians are so pysched that they’re building stalls for the four horsemen of the Apocalypse to quarter their animals in? they can’t embrace war pestilence famine enough. oh, boy, life on earth actually becoming like a Breugahl painting. Can’t wait!!!!!

So now there’s a race between competing Messiahs to get here first? it’s Death Race 2000. but with a spiritual twist.

Where can I get some action on this?

“I want these mutherfuckin’ Swanks off the motherfuckin’ plane!!!’

Heh.

Say, that “competing messiahs” thing would make a great reality television series. They could call it “Teh Great Messiah Race”, or “Survivor“. Each week, they could cut back-and-forth between the crazed worshipers at a fundamentalist church and an equally insane mosque, both frenziedly trying to hasten the apocalypse/bring forth thier messiah before the competition does. Each week, the opposing congregations would do wacky challenges, like attempting to breed red heifers, and pray… a lot. And each week, on the messiah-arrival front, pretty much nothing would occur. it would be riveting!

minor correction to my post at 0:16.

not Breughal, but Bosch (Hieronymous)

As looney as this “Muslims poised to take over the world” stuff seems, there is some truth to it.

If The West were to stop supporting Saudi Arabia and Israel, and stop attacking Iran and Iraq, it’s likely that stability and democracy would develop in the Middle East. This would result in a regional power that controls the last remaining fossil fuel surplus big enough to sustain “full spectrum dominance.”

Since the Middle East was desertified by ancient civilizations, they would likely be even meaner at stealing our resources than we’ve been at stealing theirs.

Of course, this process would take decades, and probably won’t ever happen, because we have no plans to ever stop destabilizing the Middle East.

In light of this fact, why are we heckling a guy who winks at the ugly truth? Shouldn’t we heckle people who are too afraid to tell any truth at all?

Lucy,

Juan Cole’s site has a link to many stories where Muslim leaders speak out against terrorism. It’s on the bar to the left.