The Last Jihad
To follow up my earlier post about Joel C. Rosenberg, a.k.a., “The White House’s Official Prophet of Doomsday,” I bring you this classic piece from the esteemed Bartholomew, who dares to review Rosenberg’s end-of-the-world thriller The Last Jihad:
The books themselves are standard schlock, although the novels may require considerable reworking for the big screen, since the first one features Saddam Hussein as a major character.
Oh, I don’t think it’ll be too hard finding a proper substitute…
OK, back to Bartholomew’s review:
Reviewer Patrick Anderson describes The Last Jihad:
The president is James MacPherson — Vietnam hero, Wall Street legend, former governor of Colorado — who has succeeded George W. Bush. Between them, Bush and MacPherson have brought joy to our troubled land. The war on terrorism is won, Osama bin Laden is dead, and al-Qaeda is obliterated. Taxes are low, employment high and our hearts even higher: “Presidential promises made were promises kept. And the sense of relief is palpable.”
However, Saddam is plotting his “Last Jihad� just as Israelis and Palestinians are about to enjoy peace as the result of an oil bonanza. Israeli intelligence discovers that Saddam has acquired nuclear Scuds, and the novel ends with (*spoiler*) the US President nuking Baghdad.
All together now: BWAAAAAAAH-HAAAAA-HAAAAAAA!!11!11!
As Rosenberg explains:
After working in Washington for a decade at that point—most recently for former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Israeli Deputy Prime Minister Natan Sharansky—I was convinced that the threat of Iraqi weapons of mass destruction was real and that American policymakers were not properly focused on that threat. I wrote The Last Jihad almost as a Paul Revere-like exercise to raise people’s awareness of what could happen if we ignored Saddam Hussein for too long. I never imagined it would be published just as the debate over Iraq was heating up and just months before coalition forces went to war.
Rosenberg is generous enough to reproduce an NY Times profile that describes the books as “not very good novels. The plots streak along at breakneck speed. But there is no subtlety and no attempt at character development.� The profile links his success to his connections on the right, with endorsements coming from Limbaugh and Oliver North.
A drug addict and a convicted felon– now those are the type of good Christian folk you want endorsing your book, Joel!
Talking about the apocalyptic element to his novels, Rosenberg explains that Jesus gave
His followers a checklist, a “Road Map,� if you will, of things to watch for. And the research I began coming across was so intriguing, I decided to name my next novel THE LAST DAYS and begin raising the same questions for others.
The LaHaye and Jenkins bandwagon, of course, had nothing to do with it.
This makes me want to cry, although I’m not sure if it’s out of sadness or laughter. It gets harder to tell them apart with every passing day.
Above: 3Loons! Rosenberg, Peggy Noonan and Steve Forbes.
— who has succeeded George W. Bush. Between them, Bush and MacPherson have brought joy to our troubled land. The war on terrorism is won, Osama bin Laden is dead, and al-Qaeda is obliterated. Taxes are low, employment high and our hearts even higher: “Presidential promises made were promises kept. And the sense of relief is palpable.�
Obviously a fantasy novel. Actually, using this concept, you could write a credible farce.
Jeez, how’d he ever finish the novel? He must have been pulling his pud furiously imagining this stuff.
_________________
The 3Loons vs. 3Bulls
Shorter Joel “Jesus is my Cartographer” Rosenberg: So I discovered this way cool book called “Revelation” — you guys ever heard of it? — and I’m stoked cause I figure I’ll get a hefty advance for the novelization.
If there really was a Rapture, and the Jesus thing ™ came down to take the good ones up to heaven with him, I’m thinking these ass – clowns are going to be REALLY surprised at who he takes and who he “Leaves Behind”…
mikey
The inmates have been running the sanitarium for a while now.
They’re just not taking any pains to hide it anymore.
Thanks for the exposure. Perhaps also worth noting is that Rosenberg is (or was when I wrote about it) represented by Peter Robbio, who was forced to withdraw from working for Forbes after pulling a gun on someone in a restaurant. Curiously, Robbio was working for Pat Buchanan around the time Rosenberg was working for Netanyahu…
Uh, just so you all know what the rest of rest of the World knows. Iran has ended up the winner in the whole Iraqmire mess.
Yeah, stunning, is it not? I am in shock as well. *rolls eyes*
I wonder how far into the book I could get before losing my lunch?
Have you ever noticed that all these loonies have that glassy-eyed, batshit look? Oddly, Noonan looks the least nuts of the three. I’m guessing it was just the lighting…
Uh, just so you all know what the rest of rest of the World knows. Iran has ended up the winner in the whole Iraqmire mess.
Actually, Mal, we pretty much figured that one out on our own. Your concern for our enlightenment is noted, however. Now, if you could just help us understand Curling, we’d all be better off. Yep, I’m sure of it…
mikey
Just as a side note, I think Steve Forbes would have to be played by John C. McGinley if there were ever a movie or sitcom in which he figured.
Steve Forbes almost never blinks… seriously, he is extremely creepy.
McGinley really would be a good choice. Wow.
Separated at birth?
So the plot of the book is that a Muslim Dictator gets his hands on a nuclear weapon, so it’s the apocolypse?
Umm, then shouldn’t the rapture have happened because Musharraf has had ’em for longer than the seven years of tribulation?
Just askin’.
Okay- the War on Terra is won, OBL is dead, unemployment is way down and the economy is doing fine, all because of GWB, and the wanker who took office after him (Im assuming also a GOPer).
I would shelve this in the Fairy Tale section.
I wonder how far into the book I could get before losing my lunch?
Someone actually recommended the book to me and handed me a copy. I got almost exactly to the paragraph that Brad quotes above (it is just a few pages in) and I had to set it down an put my head between my knees…
Actually, Mal, we pretty much figured that one out on our own. Your concern for our enlightenment is noted,
Really? You all figured that out on your own? Does that include your government which is still labouring under the delusion that “staying the course” until the Democrats reclaim power, 3 months to two years from will minimise Iraqi deaths and make Iran weaker?
I always thought Stephen Root could be a good Steve Forbes if he lost a little weight.
It’s really hard to get my head around the idea that tripe like that might be someone’s idea of a good read… I wonder if Rosenberg is the product of a private school? If he is it might make people eager for vouchers rethink the question.
Yeah, Root would be good too.
Really? You all figured that out on your own? Does that include your government which is still labouring under the delusion that “staying the course� until the Democrats reclaim power, 3 months to two years from will minimise Iraqi deaths and make Iran weaker?
Hey, Bay bee, you wanna blame me for that, hokay fine, but what have you really accomplished? You wanna try and do some good, or you wanna fight? ‘Cause actually, I’m built for both….
mikey
Candy – Peggy’s full of White Zin. That takes the edge off.
Steve Forbes is another utterly talentless idiot son foisted on the US by the lucky spunk club. However, unlike Bush, he’s not going away in two years.
Ah, Brian, now I can add another anxiety to my closet. President Steve Forbes.
“Oh, but that can’t happen. No one would vote for that zombie, flat tax or no!” my brain will reason.
But that little voice from my brain stem will whisper, “George W. Bushhhh…..”
I need wine now, myself!
Mikey,
You wanna try and do some good, or you wanna fight? ‘Cause actually, I’m built for both….
Hell, did they actually release those full-body internet virtual reality suits? Virtual boxing matches! Sounds like my idea of fun.
Bagsy the Instapundit – I’d love the chance to hoof him in the virtual knackers. Even if I eventually got my ass kicked by the massive blogosphere pile on, it’d be worth it.
When the Roman Empire was waning, around the 2nd and 3rd century, its population was convinced Armageddon would arrive when the empire fell. They restarted the empire repeatedly. In the 8th century Charlemagne even “revived” the Holy Roman Empire, which wasn’t holy, roman, or much of an empire.
This isn’t the first time in history people thought the end was near. What scares me about our current time is people WANT the end, where in the past they tried to move heaven and earth to PREVENT Armageddon.
These people are running our country, “respected” heads of state, wanting the destruction of potentially BILLIONS of human lives. Not very responsible, IMHO.
Meanwhile, Earth continues to sing her swan song, and few care.
Ever notice how these right wing “manly men” authors always look like they got picked last for dodgeball? Could you be more physically dweebish than Rosenberg?
However, Candy at 3:22 makes a mis-step. Sure, Rosenberg’s writes crap, but have you looked at the bestseller list? Dan Brown, James Patterson, Norah Roberts, Dean Koontz? Rosenberg’s writing isn’t bad because of his religious beliefs, but because he’s a bad writer, and many a’ many a bad writer is moving trainloads of product.
“this is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.” Dorothy Parker
I dunno, part of good writing is having a premise that doesn’t require too great a suspension of disbelief, unless the book is intended as farce or fantasy, of course. I don’t think even Dean Koontz’ novels are quite this outside the realm of possibility. But that’s only my opinion. 🙂
Clearly, we live in the Rear End Times.
The Rapture already happened. The only 9 person found worthy enough to ascend to Heaven were from a small Christian hippy commune in Connecticut that nobody ever heard of. The tribulations started the day GWB took office.
Thanks to this entry’s title, I’ve now got Tom Petty’s “The Last DJ” ricocheting inside my brain.
“Bagsy the Instapundit – I’d love the chance to hoof him in the virtual knackers.”
Wait… is that a violent act? Or a sexual one?
“These people are running our country, “respectedâ€? heads of state, wanting the destruction of potentially BILLIONS of human lives. Not very responsible, IMHO.”
Hey, it won’t be their fault; they tried to warn us, but you just can’t get through to some people. You can just shake your head in sadness.
Anyway, I’m baffled at the people who persist in thinking that it’s the end times, even though the planet is, historically speaking, very peaceful. Stable first-world nations cover most of North America and Europe; go back 500 years and both continents were filled with constantly warring nation states. Hell, go back 90 years and the same holds true.
Even the threat of mutually assured destruction from another super-power is gone; small-scale nuclear war may well be more likely, but a 3rd/4th World War causing the extinction of our species won’t even be possible for at least another few decades.
The apocalyptic types are like cattle; the slightest thing’ll get them all panicky. I mean, yeah, there’s a LOT of nasty shit going down in the world, but a century or two ago it would’ve been going down on your doorstep and everywhere else.
Oops. Sorry about the tag. My bad.
Just don’t confuse Joel c. Rosenberg, wingnut and crap writer, with Joel Rosenberg, rightwinger and actually quite a decent writer of light fantasy.
What’s up wtih the targeting recticle on Forbe’s head? Or is it an alien symbiote which crawled out of his ear and looked at Peggy and just said, “fuck it.”
Steve Forbes is another utterly talentless idiot son foisted on the US by the lucky spunk club
Please tell me that someone out there has time to create “LuckySpunkClub.com” and turn it into a virtual post office wall for mug shots of gits like Forbes and the Bush crime family…
“Presidential promises made were promises kept. And the sense of relief is palpable.â€?
Fictional, even.
That’s not writing, that’s typing.
Truman Capote
It’s worse than we thought.
Paris Hilton has a music video out.
The world is ending.
(No, I’m not linking to it – find it yourself, you sick freak!)
Wolcott offers a Gore Vidal quote that pretty much says it all.
Everyone should go read it for yourself.
http://www.jameswolcott.com/
there
It’s worse than we thought.
Paris Hilton has a music video out.
It’s even worse than that. It’s actually a pretty smokin club track. I can’t stand it when I can’t make myself hate something as much as I’m convinced I ought to.
“lucky Spunk Club”
heh.
I’d have spit breakfast all over my computer, if I’d had any.
At the end of “Last Jihad,” does Arnold rescue James MacFearson while wrestling a dinosaur to its death? Why not add that part since the whole story sounds like bullshit anyway.
Fuck off you fucking lying sack of shit! I really don’t understand where these apocalyptic nutjobs get the gall to say crap like this. I’m no Jesus-lover, but for fuck’s sake the man couldn’t have been clearer: “No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.”
Jesus himfuckingself didn’t know when the Judgement would be, so how the fuck is he supposed to be leaving a checklist?
Man, I read that thing! It was lying around in the break room at work. Sucks like Electrolux. I thought it was kind of hastily put together, and I wondered, is this deliberate war propaganda up from out of The Machine itself, or just some fast-moving free-lancer jumping on the bandwagon real quick. My guess was the second; now I know I guessed wrong.
I’m sure someone elsewhere, either upthread or in the other post, has mentioned this, but it bears re-shrieking: his name is Rosenberg???
I don’t get it. What’s the punchline?
My favorite chapter is the one where everybody gets PONIES!!!!!
“The Rapture already happened. ”
Thank you for clueing me in to a new argument to use against the fundy death-cult of the rapture.
[…] I think this one’s even better than “Should Bush Bomb Iran? Vote Now!” […]
I just watched Joel Rosenberg’s “speech” on C-Span and was curious about his claims to have been a “senior advisor” to netanyahu and sharantsky. after doing a little hunting online it seems to me this guy has been gradually inflating the status of his association with those people. whereas, years ago he was an “aide” or a “consultant” on communications strategy, which could be anything slightly beyond the position of a press-agent, he now refers to himself as a “senior” and iwhtin a sentenc or two from this mentions how he “just returned from israel” or met with “people in the cia and homeland security”. this guy is a total fake and total letch. watch his fox news appearance and witness how he turns every question into a plug for his book. he is deftly riding the Left Behind wave and astutely purveys Christianity as a necessary prerequisite for buying his book. if this guy’s a christian, then so am i….
[…] novelist. I looked at Rosenberg’s literary efforts back in the early days of this blog; Sadly, No! followed up in August (The Revealer also published an interesting […]