Two-Minute Townhall
My body is a pastime, my mind is a simple joy. I learned my lesson the hardest way. But you don’t know me, but you don’t know me, a complete inhuman.
Shorter Michael Medved: Eureka! I thought of a reason to oppose gay marriage that even the gays will be forced to concede!
Shorter Roger Schlesinger: Very nice site, I like the fact that tehre are many different categories. I have my own mortgage loan directory site.
Shorter Paul Weyrich: Will Democrats regain control of Congress? Maybe!
Shorter Jacob Sullum: As a libertarian, I think performance-enhancing drugs can be just another component to a rigorous training regimen.
Shorter Kathleen Parker: Much like Susan Smith, Hezbollah has forfeited the right to mourn its dead. Carry on.
Shorter Ben Shapiro: It is a blot on America’s moral record that Fidel Castro will die a natural death.
Shorter Jay Sekulow: There is no rational justification for permitting gay marriage. And, by “rational,” I mean “conventional.”
Shorter Paul Greenberg: That’s funny; Lebanon never seemed to mind the bombing deaths of innocents before.
Shorter Tony Blankley: We spend billions of dollars on armaments to fight our Muslim enemies; why not spend a few billion more to combat reality?
Shorter William F. Buckley: I say, old chap, it’s high time we permitted the riff-raff to indulge in the clash of civiliations they so desire with the Mohammedans.
Shorter Walter Williams: College curricula should be determined by an ombudsmen who’ll instill the sort of classical learning plans approved by one Dr. Walter E. Williams.
Shorter John Stossel: Commentators like myself have done a good job attaching a stigma to trial lawyers. Now that their professional association has changed its name to the American Association for Justice, we’ve got our work cut out for us.
Shorter Michelle Malkin: Don’t be fooled. Muslims aren’t protesting the alleged deaths in Qana – they’re celebrating the glorious public relations coup those alleged deaths present.
Shorter William Perry Pendley: No one ever conquered Wyoming Montana from the left or from the right.
Shorter Bill Bennett: The Three-Fifths Compromise provided an incentive for states to continue the emancipation process.
Travis adds: For a fun game, can you spot which one is an exact quote?
…and Travis returns, after forgetting all about his fun game: So I sort of lied, in the interest of trickeration. There are actually two exact quotes: Ben Shapiro’s and Bill Bennett’s. (You guys are right, though; Michelle Malkin’s shorter could have easily slipped right into her increasingly abstract meditations on a theme. I thought it was suitably over-the-top when I wrote it.) And my sincerest apologies for saying “spot” when I should’ve said “guess.”
I’m casting my vote for Magaladingdong’s quote. Not that I’ll go check to see if I was right.
“No one ever conquered Wyoming from the left or from the right” is the exact quote, but only it’s not from the article (presumably), it’s from Camper Van Beethoven, Eye of Fatima (Part 1). off Our Beloved Revolutionary Sweetheart.
But I have the feeling it’s Bennett.
I do like this from Medved: The basis of the natural family has always arisen from the idea of a “Marriage of Opposites� – and that phrase serves as the title of the forthcoming book by my own better half, psychologist and author Dr. Diane Medved.
I assume, then, that Dr. Medved is a man.
Jay, I am not sure the opposite of a closeted gay man is another man. Perhaps Diane is a closeted lesbian.
I say it’s the VBen. “Moral” is his favorite word.
I think Ben Shapiro has the exact quote.
Did I score?
Yeah, it’s Bennett. But he’s wrong. The problem with liberating the slaves to get more representation in Congress is that, well, then the men might actually be allowed to vote and they might not vote how massa wants.
Slaveholders in effect got an extra .6 worth of ballot box power under the compromise. But without a system to keep African-American disenfranchised, emancipation might have led to a bad result. Everyone knew this at the time, and the staunch abolitionists hated the compromise because they thought it would add to slaveholders’ intransigence.
Let’s put it in terms One-Arm Bill can understand: I’ll give you a sure thing that pays 8 to 5, or you can risk it on a 50/50 shot that pays 2 to 1. Bill, apparently, takes the latter. He can declare his losses on his tax return.
[Note: Mathematical calculations are grossly simplified because it’s dinner time.]
Bill Bennett – fortunately I started from the bottom of the pile so I only had to read one pile of shit. I thought the Shorter Townhall was so you had to read Townhall, so that we didn’t.
The shorter William F. Buckley quote made me laugh out loud. Good work, sir.
We spend billions of dollars on armaments to fight our Muslim enemies; why not spend a few billion more to combat reality?
Congrats Travis, your finest shorter yet.
The article itself is something else – Mr. Blankley lists the fallacious stories planted in the media by the Nazis to justify their invasion of Poland as evidence that the entire world has been so gulled by fascist propoganda that we cannot grasp the righteousness of the IDF.
Presumably the formulation Entire Planet vs. Republicans is not susceptable to the slash of Occam’s Razor.
While we’re on the subject of planted-media-stories-as-jusification-for-war, some phrases are conspicuous by their absence – “Iraqi WMD” and “babies tossed out of incubators” spring to mind.
Shapiro. I think ….
Good lord… Medved must have taken a double dose of Illogic Pills this morning. His argument boils down to “Gender differences exist, so they must inform every aspect of any issue that involves men or women.” Even conceding his point that gender differences do exist and are critical in sexual preference (kind of a no-brainer), in what way do gender differences have anything at all to do with whether the state should provide tax incentives to a couple, or the other state-endowed benefits of marriage?
But you have to like his cute little vision of a married gay couple where each partner takes on the role of one or the other sex. I know a number of married heterosexual couples where neither person takes on, in its entirety, the “man’s role” (presumably, breadwinning, fixing automobiles and swearing) or the “woman’s role” (cooking, car-pooling and watching soap operas, I guess).
I couldn’t decide between Shapiro and Malkin. You have to admit, either would work.
Prof. Michael Medved, PhD in Logic, offers the following syllogism:
1. Men and women are different. (See “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” which is universally regarded as the final word of all matters of gender and sexuality.)
2. Opposites attract. (Though this hypothesis was first put forward by the learned social scientist Paula Abdul in 1989, it has since been confirmed by my wife. Look for her upcoming book, available only through Townhall.com)
3. Therefore, gay marriage harms the institution of marriage.
Quod Erat Demonstrandum
Regarding ex-university-trustee Williams: he starts out OK, I guess, by complaining about American colleges and universities failing their students by not providing a rigorous enough education. That’s safe enough – who’s going to argue with better-educated kids? But his bemoaning students’ poor academic skills is pretty ironic in light of his own inability to think critically. First he uses a course on pop culture and racism at Occidental College as an example of horrible, taxpayer-funded indoctrination, conveniently ignoring the fact that Occidental is a private school. I doubt he’d be interested in applying the same standard to private colleges of the conservative Christian variety. He then goes on to assert that such courses as “Sex, Drugs and Rock ‘n Roll in Ancient Egyptâ€? (Johns Hopkins) promote “anti-Americanism and academic nonsense.â€? Not having taken the class, I’ll reserve judgment on whether it’s academic nonsense — could be, but could also just be a teaser title, who knows? But how Williams could leap from sexy ancient Egyptians to anti-Americanism indicates that perhaps he skipped a few sessions of Logic 101 back in the day. His parents might want to ask for their money back.
Yeah, how does my heterosexual union break down:
Both of us: Laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, yard work (‘cept somehow I get stuck with the mowing and pruning, and she gets to do the watering and planting), housecleaning, bathing the kid, house repair (although she mostly does the painting and hanging of things, and design decisions, while I get to do things that may potentially involve severing, impaling or crushing of digits)
Me: I do the car repair & maintenance, which I enjoy. I get stuck with the cat box, which I do not, and taking out the trash and recycling.
Her: Breastfeeding, on demand, 24/7. Managing a 3 1/2 year old and a 2 month old while I’m at work. I take over as much as I can when I get home.
Somehow, we’ve so far been able to manage on one income, because we don’t think it’s a good idea to shove kids into daycare. I ended up being the one working because I had the higher paying job to begin with, and I don’t make baby food.
Thing is, we’re not legally married. However, I can claim her as a dependent on my taxes, so it works out OK.
I’m guessing Malkin
Wow, until today, I never actually read a column by Michael Medved from beginning to end. He’s even stupider than I thought.
Plus, he’s yet another wingnut writing about gay marriage as if it doesn’t exist. It DOES, dumbass, right in Massachusetts. You wanna have all those marriages declared invalid? Jay Sekulow does, but then, when it comes to GLBT people, he’s a heartless asshole. [I’m sure he’s a heartless asshole in many other ways be we’ll stick with that one for the purpose of this comment.]
2. Opposites attract. (Though this hypothesis was first put forward by the learned social scientist Paula Abdul in 1989, it has since been confirmed by my wife. Look for her upcoming book, available only through Townhall.com)
hi-larious.
Hey, I’ll have you know I’ve been the man in all my relationships, even the het ones. Oh, wait.
Is Michael Medved’s brain powered by a little goldfish in a bowl or what? Men and women are different, women and women are not, so no marriage for them. Dude. At least you share some stuff in common if you’re same sex. Otherwise, you know, he’s off with his buddies trying to prove he’s not gay by eating Burger King meatpiles and perusing Hummer magazines, and she’s at home taking Cosmo quizzes and making bitter jokes about golf widowhood. Which seems to have more long term potential to you?
Plus, I think he’s approved of polyamory, as long as both genders are represented.
I just skim-read Malkin’s column.
You do realise these people are fucking insane? I’ve never read such offensive, hateful, mind-numbingly blase drivel – concerning the killing of children, FFS. Does she literally have no soul?
I’m physically nauseous – people like that have no place in a moral society.
Plus, I think he’s approved of polyamory, as long as both genders are represented.
And man-dog, as long as they are both of the opposite sex.
And Gridlock, Malkin is really fucking insane; in fact, this paragraph is more insane than anything I’ve ever read from Coulter:
This ongoing production utilizes the same talented field of Jew-haters and West-haters and flag-burners and machete-wielders who brought you worldwide months of manufactured rage over the Mohammed cartoons, crazed riots in Nigeria over the Miss World pageant, sharia-approved murders in Somalia of World Cup soccer fans, the fictional Jenin “massacre,” the fable of Mohammed al-Dura, and ululating protests over the corrupting influences of “The Satanic Verses,” Theo van Gogh, Kentucky Fried Chicken and McDonald’s, the sacrilegious Burger King ice-cream swirl, Valentine’s Day and Piglet from “Winnie the Pooh.”
That whole paragraph is one fucking sentence! It’s like James Joyce, if Joyce were writing about killing Muslims.
It’s Shapiro, he’s the only one I read, as well.
Jesus, Medved, read up on some god-damned American history. Even in societies which have strictly defined gender roles (And honestly, ours are, if anything, rather losely defined), there has often been the option to adopt the role of the gender opposite your biological sex.
Not to mention that the hypothesis fails to explain polygamy.
And, uh, what, exactly ARE these gender roles? If I stay home to raise the kids and mom works, is that as bad for them as a gay marriage? Wouldn’t it be worse, since a gay marriage can show the kid what at least one proper gender role looks like?
Damn bigoted mustache-fucker.
I come from mixed parentage … one male, one female, and that’s how it should be…
You do realize that Americans are a subset of your group of mostly “insane, or merely wrong, ignorant, weak, stupid or malicious” people, i.e. “The World”, do you not? But no, it’s those damn ivory tower liberals who don’t respect the average Amercan voter.
Well I should bloody well hope so!
Jeeze, playing Spot The Straussian isn’t even slightly challenging these days.
This ongoing production utilizes the same talented field of Jew-haters and West-haters and flag-burners and machete-wielders who brought you worldwide months of manufactured rage over the Mohammed cartoons, crazed riots in Nigeria over the Miss World pageant, sharia-approved murders in Somalia of World Cup soccer fans, the fictional Jenin “massacre,� the fable of Mohammed al-Dura, and ululating protests over the corrupting influences of “The Satanic Verses,� Theo van Gogh, Kentucky Fried Chicken and McDonald’s, the sacrilegious Burger King ice-cream swirl, Valentine’s Day and Piglet from “Winnie the Pooh.�
Oh my. I may have to change my opinion of the malkin thing. Actually, no. But this could be (forgetting entirely the context) some of the best free-form poetry of this century. I really enjoyed reading this. The cadence, the pacing, the way the words work. Take out the hate and the insanity and it’s beautiful…
mikey
“free-form” poetry? How much more form do you need?
Quinquireme of Nineveh from distant Ophir,
Rowing home to haven in sunny Palestine,
With a cargo of ivory,
And apes and peacocks,
Sandalwood, cedarwood, and sweet white wine.
manufactured rage over the Mohammed cartoons,
crazed riots in Nigeria over the Miss World pageant,
sharia-approved murders in Somalia
of World Cup soccer fans
Theo van Gogh, Kentucky Fried Chicken and McDonald’s
Shapiro’s shorter was so outrageous I had to read it in the original…
Spoiler Alert
The Virgin Dunnit
Let me help you, Mr Medved: heterosexuals want to marry other heterosexuals, and homosexuals want to marry other homosexuals. I don’t know many hetero men who dream of marrying lesbians. And the reason a hetero man wouldn’t want to substitute a man for his wife isn’t because of this “Mars vs Venus” crapola, but because he is a heterosexual and thus wants a romantic relationship with the opposite sex, eg a woman.
I do agree with Medved on one thing, though, and that is his take on why the religious right really opposes gay marriage. After all, if homosexuals start getting married, and no one is “the man” in the relationship, and they decide to share marital duties democratically, then society might be less accepting of traditional, arbitrary power structures and authority. The horror!
Forget the quote — I’m just happy to see the CVB lyrics!
I read the Paul Weyrich column. Mostly it’s just him trying hard to mention undeniable political realities without pissing off his readers by being percieved as bashing Bush, but he did have one sentence I agree with.
If the Democrats with superior candidates and with the public in a sour mood with worries about the war and the economy can’t win this time they may as well hang it up.
Whether it means that Democrats have lost their appeal to the American mainstream altogether, or that rigged voting machines have spread so far that all future elections will be illegitimate, if the Democrats don’t win a majority in the 2006 elections, it could mean the effective death of the Democrats.
I demand, following Medved’s logic, that we dissolve heterosexual marriages and make them marry dogs. After all, what could be more opposite and therefore proper than different species? Or kids! Heterosexual marriage on the grounds that homogeny is bad–think where that could lead! What next, marrying mannequins?
Also, can an interracial relationship cancel out homosexuality and then it’s okay?
No, D Sidhe,Cartoon Kats. Especially of the scat variety.
Damn, I thought I knew this mob of village idiots better — it took me, like, six guesses to find the quote. I was starting to think Travis was fucking with us.
Heheh. Alternate Shorter Medved: If two men want to be together, one of them has to buy this adaptor first!
From Blankley:
Thus, I propose the formula: 6.5 billion x 7 = world opinion (the world population times seven deadly sins equals world opinion). That is 45.5 billion reasons why world opinion is wrong.
“Don’t forget to by my next book, “Conservative Mathematics: A Million Squillion Billion Reasons Why Liberals Are Evil.”
Blankley has a good point. We must target the terrorists’ (dis)information structure, such as Al-Jazeerah. We should tell Qatar to shut them down. If they don’t they should be bombed to rubble. We should get a total news blackout on Iraq and Lebanon and let the military do their jobs without ninnies, if not outright terrorist cheerleaders, constantly looking over their shoulders.
Michelle Malkin => Anchor Baby.
‘Nuff said.
I’m so glad you posted the answers, there is NO WAY I could have gone over there and read through all of those. It would kill me.
I guessed right on both. Both were just sick enough to be real.
Jeebus, Medved is fucking stupid. Surprisingly, I remain unconvinced.
Isn’t it SUPER-FANTASTIC Hezbollah defeated Israel?. Yes, It’s Hezbollatastic! Does anyone know if the egg on Israel’s face is kosher? Habib- Yabib- yuck yuck yuck- Mazaltov!
Tony Blankley form McGlauchlin Group is a tool by nature. Fucking Rolely-Poley dumpling sucking Bush’s ass of all Republican certitude!
Shhhhhh! Be wery wery quiet. I’m hunting Neo-cons. ehehehehehehehe!
It’s an outrage some actors canvas the silver screens.These actors belong in the Shit Actors Guild:
Jason Statham
Sean Penn
Anthony Hopkins
John Travolta
Antonio Banderas[Total piece of shit]
Jackie Chan
Steven Seagal[Half-Heb and Italian]
DMX
Edward Burns
Penélope Cruz[speaka inglish…no canno understan yoo]
Cameron Diaz
Bill Paxton
Matthew McConaughey
Jada Pinkett Smith
Vin Diesel[GAY]
Halle Berry
Jennifer Lopez[Bronx hood rat]
Gwyneth Paltrow
Forest Whitaker
Adrien Brody
Colin Farrell
Michelle Rodriguez
Jessica Biel
Angelina Jolie
Dolph Lundgren
Sharon Stone
Christian Slater
Harvey Keitel
Robert Duvall
Tom Arnold
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Hayden Christensen
EXIT! question: Does Tony Blankley has a hard-on for Eleanor? Yes, he wants to fill her with his Irish Stew. BUY-BUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No, Tony Blankley does not “has” a hard-on….He “haves” a haad-on. Use fucking English nest tyme. Geez, why don’t dees american educated students go back to skool.
All of you are arm-chair politicians. Get a fucking life you losers! Fuck AMERICA!