Dude, “there will be milk deliveries … unmade!”

My milk! My precious milk!

Yeah, yeah, Fire, brimstone and the like. But what about the milk?

Isn’t that the same footage of colliding trains used during the opening of George of the Jungle cartoons?

Watch out for that cross!

WF

You laugh now, but when you show up to church and your priest isn’t there, what are you going to do? Huh?

Have sex on the altar like I always wanted to?

You laugh now, but when you show up to church and your priest isn’t there, what are you going to do? Huh?

Whoo-hoo! Now I can go home and watch football!

“Babies snatched from mothers…”

Yahweh, the baby snatcher!

BTW, if your ideology doesn’t trump your sense of humor Mike Nelson (supposed neocon stooge) is doing a thing called “rifftracks” where he makes fun of a movie on an MP3 you listen to while watching the flick. Roadhouse is the one that’s out now. Very funny. And no wingnuttery works its way in.

I’m eager for “relief from … sighing”. I’ve tried antibiotics, shock therapy, and even tickles, and darned if it hasn’t cleared up.

Oh noes! I’m not a Christian. Time to convert!

Drinking….Murder….Gambling….Unbelief

One of these things is not like the others.

no more opportunity to give to missions

What, Satan can’t open his own missions? Hell, I’ll start my own damn mission just so people have a chance to give to me.

At the 7:33 mark, there’s a total subliminal message, but I can’t figure out what it is.

And really, rivers and oceans of blood, intense heat, giant legions on our skin, big earthquakes, after all of that, who really cares if the milk isn’t being delivered? I mean, it seems like that’s a pretty good reason for the milkman to take the day off. Quite frankly, I wouldn’t expect to receive my milk that day, so I wouldn’t be too surprised when it didn’t show up. All of the things mentioned in the first few minutes seem sort of trivial compared blood, heat, legions, and natural disasters.

Whoops. Um, if there is a sky god, s/he might want to remove that double post.

[Moo-hoo-ha-ha-haa. -Teh Sky God]

BTW, if your ideology doesn’t trump your sense of humor Mike Nelson (supposed neocon stooge) is doing a thing called “rifftracks� where he makes fun of a movie on an MP3 you listen to while watching the flick.

I highly reccommend picking up a copy of Mike Nelson’s Movie Megacheese. It’s a little dated now, but still hilarious.

What’s with the neocon stooge stuff, though?

If Jesus interrupts my fucking milk deliveries I will be so pissed!

BTW, if your ideology doesn’t trump your sense of humor Mike Nelson. . .

But that’s obviously Joel in the cut-out.

I was wondering why no milk had been delivered for years. And the disappearance of the maid probably accounts for the clutter around here.

Luckily, however, so far I’ve avoided the noisome and grievous sores.

You see, I’ve got the noisome and grievous sores, but my milk deliveries are being made with eerie regularity. Can we combine your lack of milk deliveries and my surplus of noisome and grievous sores and make one good Rapture? I mean, there’s a hell of a lot of them. Unless they’re related to something else…

What’s with the neocon stooge stuff, though?

It gets him free milk ‘n’ sammidges round at Lileks’ house.

1. What? The believing surgeons are gone? Who’s gonna faith-heal me now, I ask you? WHO?

And the milkman isn’t raptured — just union.

2. And there will be broken homes after the Rapture? Missing fathers? Is God to blame for latchkey children? And how will the Amber Alert system deal with the Rapture? “Missing: 2.1 billion children. Last seen ascending to heaven on the wings of seraphim. License plate unknown.”

3. A theological problem: if unsaved persons are going to church to see a pastor /before/ the Rapture, why are they unsaved? (Okay, if you’re a confessional Baptist, I already know the answer. But God’s a real hard bastard in that case, innit he?)

4. Zombies! FLYING zombies! Suck it, Romero — you ain’t got nuthin’ on Matthew 27!

5. Life sucks, then you’re raptured to eternal life. On the bright side: fuck the New Deal, our safety net is God!

6. Yeah, wait a minute — it’s /your/ fault I’m left in this post-apocalyptic hell, you incompetent non-proselytizing bastard! Why do I get the locusts just because you suck at outside sales?

7. How exactly does it work that a guy goes to heaven despite being such a crappy parent his children are sentenced to eternal torment? Just wondering.

8. The hellbound neighbor doesn’t seem particularly worried about the millenia spent being flayed by demons for sport while boiled in a cauldron of brimstone-fueled boiling oil. More like he just wants to shovel his sidewalk.

9. “No more opportunities to pass out tracts.” To judge by the pictures, they were supposed to try and use Jack Chick comics as negotiable currency at restaurants.

10. “Watching and waiting for his return” is not supposed to be taken literally, you jackass at the window. Either that or the gal friday who lives across the street forgot to close her bathroom blinds again.

11. Subliminal message at 7:33! I now have an urge to go out and … look for … strange fuzzy … things.

12. “Great” tribulations? Dude, they’re gonna be the GREATEST tribulations EVAR!!!!

13. Sure, the rivers and fountains of blood may be bad for municipal water supplies, but just think of all the cases of Dasani you’ll be able to sell! Bonus point: no more waiting around the hospital for a transfusion like a sucker!

14. Fear of a black eternity? Man, I’ve been wonderin’ why people livin’ in fear of my shade, or my hi-top fade. But all /I/ want is peace an’ love on this planet — isn’t that how God planned it?

Oh, guess not.

Fuck.

“Mike Nelson (supposed neocon stooge) ”

I did not want to hear that. However, I followed the Lileks link and saw this, “[Mike Nelson is] Smart, clever, gracious (with a soupcon of theatrical peevishness – but only when provoked!) and normal; a good guy.” I don’t know what the hell a soupcon is, but I am choosing to interpret that line to mean that Mike is a nice guy who doesn’t care about Lileks’ career in sophistry. Maybe Mike’s ability to be nice around Lileks is a reflection of the libertarian vibe I always got from him.

Now no one better suggest that Mike has neocon sympathies ever again! I am in pain here.

Apparently Nelson was on the Northern Alliance Radio Network, that drek run by various neocon morons, like Hindrocket and Ziggy the Barnacle.

Wow. That sucks. MST3K is still funny, though I usually liked Joel’s episodes more. (When they switched to the Sci-Fi network, that’s when it really started to suck, though I liked the Hamlet episode.)

And is it just me or does “Northern Alliance” just conjure up images of Neo-Nazis? That’s not what the idiots intended, but I keep conflating “National Alliance” and “Northern Alliance.”

If it is true that Mike is conservative (and it’d be a sad day if it were), then at least he’s the planet’s sole conservative with a sense of humor. Whatever your political persuasion, the guy’s hilarious.

Roy’s been talking about art and politics, and how the two don’t have to do with each other. So… yeah, I still think Lilek’s book on bad food is really funny.

*shrug*

Bad food is bad food, bad movies are bad movies.

As namby-pamby liberals we’re allowed to appreciate the work of comedians, writers, musicians, actors, strippers, philosophers, etc regardless of their political stripe. It’s the right that gets all sweaty and convoluted when they discover the third assistant cameraman in a film they once liked contributed $5 to the ACLU.

And a soupcon is like a neocon only with a messier shirt. See also cheetocon and cheezwhizcon.

And bad video connections are bad video connections. EVERY FUCKING YOUTUBE CLIP THAT SOMEBODY POSTS ON THIS OR ANY OTHER SITE FREEZES UP IN 20 SECONDS ON MY COMPUTER!
It’s really depressing, ’cause I wanna see what everybody’s talking about.(Or laughing at, as the case may be.)

I’ve been reading Umberto Eco’s The Name of The Rose. It’s pretty good, a murder mystery set in an 14th century Benedictine monestary in Italy. What isn’t the murder mystery in the book is histories of life in a 14th century monestary, little nuggets of info on the spiritual and political clime of the area (often one and the same), a bit of history of early science (the Sherlock Holmes character is a big fan of Roger Bacon) and a number of bits about symbolism, which is apparently Eco’s day gig. I highly recommend it, and not just because the combination of all the above is almost like porn to me. Anyway, what’s funny is all these monks and priests and other assorted holy persons are convinced the End Times are just right around the corner, using almost the same language as that film does.

What’s also funny to me is the fact that the whole Rapture thing – Christians scooped bodily into heaven while the rest of us muddle as best we can down here – is a fairly new invention shoe-horned into the whole End Times myth. If memroy serves, it goes back to the early 19th century, though I may be confusing the times with that looney German woman who got the whole Bloody Zombie Jesus passions thing Mel Gibson later took up. Still, funny as hell.

Matt,
You are dead on. There is nothing less Christian than an American rapture loving christianist. You know secular Americans are more Chirsitain than self proclaimed Christians because at least the American secularist’s ethics, morality and worldview has been molded by 2000 years of Christian civilization while the Christianist takes the least important book of the Bible as the leading text and proceeds to explicitly loath the modern world which is the product of Chirstianity and does all he can to bring the destruction that will hearald armageddon.

The Chritianist is the pagan and the Secularist is the Christian.

You are all (most of you, anyway) dwelling on the negative aspects of the Rapture. Granted, we will all suffer greatly at the loss of our unnaturally righteous milkmen. Nevertheless, we must be strong, and count our blessings (heathen blessings perhaps, but you get the idea):

When all the Pat Robertson followers of the world disappear:

1) We can take their stuff.
2) I hate those guys. I mean seriously, did you ever invite them to parties?
3) It was getting crowded in my town already.
4) Never EVER get holy-rolled at again.
5) We could, as a nation, erase all evidence of the existence of “The Osmonds”.
6) Less murders. All the NRA wackos will be living in the Ned Flandersland.
7) The benefits are endless
8) Except the lesions. I’m not a big fan of lesions.

An aside that will probably get me stricken from the rolls as a commenter, not to mention dangers involving lightning:

God will take a baby from its mother, but abandons little Jimmy because he didn’t get his genitals mutilated or get doused in a magic fountain as an infant? What a dick.

Is it just me that thought at the start, it was going to say “ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE?”

Just me?

I’ll be in the corner.

No, Freshly, it wasn’t just you. 🙂

Just you wait until the C1K! Then you disbelievers will be sorry.

I have an MST3K Dashboard Widget for my Mac that looks TONS better than the one you posted. Pointy Atari-like graphics always scare the bejeesus out of me.

Hate Encrusted Eyes: Oy! Ahem, as one of the loudest self-proclaimed pagans on this site, please let me chastise you now-NEVER, EVER conflate Christianists with pagans. Most pagans I know exude more Christian values than these self proclaimed religious bigots have in their little finger. Period. End of Story. I wouldn’t even insult Satanists by comparing these whack jobs to them (hey, everybody’s got to believe in something, right? ;)).

But back off the pagan comparison – or I’ll send my ENTIRE pantheon after your sorry ass- and believe me, you wouldn’t like them when they’re angry!

That film serves as undeniable evidence that self-proclaimed Christians should forever be barred from holding driver’s licenses and pilot credentials and from captaining ships. They should be limited to walking and riding on public transit or taxis–it’s just too dangerous, otherwise.

[…] Sadly, No! Are you Rapture Ready? […]

Be sure to carry an umbrella, because when the rupture hits, all of the good little xtians that have been grunting away on the potty will have just one more chance to shit on the rest of us!

Sounds to me like there will be lots more jobs available after the Rapture.

Yea, I’m ready for all those assholes to go away!

….and anyone caught giggling or making farting sounds at the giant horn pointing out of the clouds will be automatically disqualified from spending eternal paradise with the Lord savior, no exceptions.

Marq: “self-proclaimed Christians should forever be barred from holding driver’s licenses and pilot credentials and from captaining ships. They should be limited to walking and riding on public transit or taxis–it’s just too dangerous, otherwise.”

LMAO! Good one!

I think the rapture already happened…cuz my milk ain’t been delivered for years, and the maid ain’t been around for about as long.

All the good doctors are gone…just LOOK at these boils!

Anyone seen a river of blood?

Hey Jesus,

You only took their brains and their honesty…Please come back and get the rest.

1. The direct mail solicitation business will collapse.

2. You’ll finally be able to see some good stuff on TV.

3. The average size of tips in restaurants will increase dramatically.

4. Loss of the hypocrite trade wil cause hundreds of whorehouses, titty bars and adult bookstores to go under

5. Millions of teenage kids will go sexually unmolested.

6. Vast numbers of “other women” will suddenly have to find new lovers.

7. The real estate bubble will pop.

8. Evolution will be taught as the science that it is.

9. It will be safe to answer a knock at the door on Sunday.

10. Gay people will start being treated like humans.

11. The roadsides will no longer be cluttered with little crosses at every spot where some idiot ran into a tree.

Why does he want to kill all those cute dolphins??

How come all those scorched people still have clothes on ??

“[…] Your son… Your daughter… Your husband… Your wife.”

Hey, maybe these guys are more liberal than I originally thought!

^——– (sigh) sadly not ready. (when will all my cursed sighing end?) (sigh)

Sigh. All based on a mistranslation. In fact, after shuffling off the raptured, Jesus is coming back with pizza and beer.

Well at least the milker at the farm will still be there. They’re all heathen bastards. hey, I’d love to stay and chat but I gotta go milk now.

By the way, regarding those lesions?

I possess a topical cure to these Acts of God. It’s available to nonbelievers at the low, low price of $19.99! Believers, of course, can pray for succor and get it for free.

Also, if you need milk, I know a cow or two….

Did anyone else catch the few bars of Flight of the Valkyries in the sea O’ blood/lightning segment? Nice touch considering that WWII was just a few years before this drek was made…

Praise Gaud to Vittery.

Anyway, aside from so many physical laws of the Universe being broken if this crapture should happen, the shear silliness of the announcer is astonishing. If his Godhead Jesus preached love to your fellow man and a new covenant, why suddenly would JC go Old Testament in the end? Also there is no mention of any Rapture, end times, tribulation, or any of this pre/post millennialism stuff in the New Testament.

Not that any of this matters, because the whole idea of god or gods is about the silliest thing we homo saps ever came up with (pet rocks and mood rings come in for a close second)

At least the accounting will get done…

Think of it – finally some fucking PEACE AND QUIET!

And since the religious Repugs are the ones with all the money these days, I too am waiting for the Giant Sucking Sound In The Sky so’s I can get a really nice car…