Could this be the future Monsieur Amber Pawlik?

nathan_burchfiel.jpgSure, Amber told us that she’s in love. Yet she’s still young, and who knows what will happen to that relationship. Always be prepared we always say, and thus we introduce one of this generation’s new and exciting conservative voices, one Nathan Burchfiel.

Nathan would be great for Amber because in addition to being a total stud, they share an obsession with their non-existent sex lives and “liberal propaganda.” Frankly, we think that Nathan could Mr. Right for Amber, or if that doesn’t work, at least Kyle Williamsspecial friend. Nathan isn’t preoccupied with nipples or vaginas this week, well, not directly anyway:

One great hypocrisy of the administration of the university – and of liberal organizations in general – is its ability to disapprove of some harmful behavior while condoning and even propagating other harmful behavior.

So right away you see the great potential in Nathan. You don’t know what the problem is, but don’t you know it liberals are, as in invariably the case, at fault. So what’s wrong? Not Cloned Pandas of Mass Destruction (NCPOMD.) Not Girl Scout Cookies of Lesbianism (NGSCOL.) This time, it’s Free Condoms of Mass Promiscuousness. (FCOMP.)

RAs are required to make condoms available for free to any student requesting them. This service shows blatant favoritism toward the sexually active and makes no effort to provide an equal service to the abstinent, and distribution of condoms encourages dangerous behavior.

So, as a smoker who has made the decision to remain abstinent until marriage, I’m told I can’t enjoy something that makes me happy in the comfort of my own room. My roommate, on the other hand, a non-smoking man-whore, is encouraged to have as much sex as possible under the administration’s false sense of security brought to life in a small latex penis-glove.

So while the University of Maryland gives out condoms to students who want them, it doesn’t give out DVDs of Touched by an Angel to those who believe that every sperm is sacred. Nathan doesn’t tell us what he would like to get from his university, so we don’t know if he would prefer the Ann Coulter talking doll or a pinup poster of Kathryn Jean Lopez.

It seems to us that while Nathan’s problem may have the appearance of a complex game of which came first, the chicken or the egg, it’s really not that complicated. Blaming distribution of free condoms for college students’ sexual activity is like saying Jonah Goldberg is fat as a result of his wearing size 50 pants. You may want to check your causal links on this one.

Having condoms (or access to some) will no more lead to sex than renting Johnny English will make you into a British secret service agent. We wish it were so (in both cases,) but we’ve never seen evidence for this (and there was a time when empirical work was ongoing.) Sure, that would have been nice we guess… but, Sadly, No! Perhaps things have changed in the recent past — we wouldn’t know actually because the day that we got engaged, we said goodbye to the condom forever. (Then again, with nonsense like this perhaps we’ll have to go back one day.) Where were we anyway? Ah yes, giving away free condoms violates the separation of church and state. (Is Maryland giving away Jesus condoms?:)

The state rejects the religious or otherwise intelligent decisions of students who choose to remain abstinent. By outwardly supporting the promiscuous sexual activity of students who choose to participate, the state infringes on the rights of abstinent students. [Emphasis added]

Hey Nathan, nobody’s shoving your dick anywhere (as far as we know anyway.)

 

Comments: 17

 
 
 

“So, as a smoker who has made the decision to remain abstinent until marriage, I’m told I can’t enjoy something that makes me happy in the comfort of my own room. My roommate, on the other hand, a non-smoking man-whore, is encouraged to have as much sex as possible under the administration’s false sense of security brought to life in a small latex penis-glove. ”

Just what exactly *is* this guy smoking?

Who cares about free cigarettes? We need free weed!

 
 

This is one of the poorest arguments I’ve ever read, and I’ve read quite a few bad ones, including many of my own.

Just what “service” does this man think that he, as one who has chosen abstinence from sex, ought to get? How does the fact that condoms are available, upon request, infringe upon his rights? What is he being compelled to do or not do as a result of his celibacy. The fact that he can’t smoke in his room has absolutely nothing to do with sex.

He speaks of hypocrisy, but it’s interesting to note that he effectively blames the university for sexual “promiscuity”. So let me get this straight: when it’s something I don’t like, it’s someone else’s fault. But when someone else has a problem, it’s that person’s fault.

Selective “personal responsibility.” Okay, I get it now.

 
 

But, damn, I do like the cargo-cult model of hunan sexuality: buy condoms, and you too can have some good “man-whore” sex. Ah, if only it were that simple!

 
 

off-topic, does anybody know who makes money from the “I’m giving up George Bush for Lent” shirts?

I didn’t see any info at [link]http://www.cafeshops.com/lent[/link] and would be more inclined to buy if the proceeds went somewhere Blue.

 
 

What a frigging maroon. What does he propose — that the university give him free copies of Playboy to assist him in jerking off?

 
 

Frederick: they already give him free Internet access šŸ™‚

 
 

They could give him copies of the Old Testament with all of the begats highlighted. That should do it for this sad sob.

 
 

RAs are required to make condoms available for free to any student requesting them. This service shows blatant favoritism toward the sexually active and makes no effort to provide an equal service to the abstinent…

Nathan’s probably not the first goof to assume a free condom carries a guarantee of getting laid. Ooh, sorry kid, that you have to do on your own. (I assume he’a already familiar with having sex on his own. *cough*)

I hope he cheers up when learns he can use his free condom in an abstinence-friendly way, such as making balloon animals or packing heroin for international mules. Or, he can be an abstinence purist: go to the free-condom office, demand nothing (and get it.) I have no idea how to lighten Nathan’s burden of seeing other people living their lives without asking his permission.

 
 

This has to be funny as heck. I clicked the link (re “Nathan”) and got a bio

>Nathan Burchfiel is a freshman broadcast journalism major at the University of Maryland. He is a member of the College Republicans and frequently contributes to the Diamondback. Check out his new clothing line.

Check out HIS NEW CLOTHING LINE? Give me a break.

The link went to http://www.cafeshops.com/waristheanswer

He’s selling stuff.

 
 

“waristheanswer”? Oh, that’s cute. Why doesn’t the patriotic little fuck enlist and go over to save Iraq? Oh, I guess that’s for the working-class grunts, just as it was in Dubya’s day.

 
 

Not Girl Scout Cookies of Lesbianism (NGSCOL.)

Do the Girl Scouts offer a merit badge in muff diving now?

 
 

they let ya smoke in the army…oh if only having condoms meant you got some sex

 
 

“brought to life in a small latex penis-glove. ” Good grief. I don’t want to get all Freudian on y’all, but…….. I’m thinking his real issue is, well, his penis size (or the lack thereof). This would account for his vow of celibacy until marriage, you know, “Ladies, you must buy the pecker sight unseen”. Sad, so sad.

 
 

I say we take up a collection and start sending this brilliant young man cigarettes by the caseload.

 
 

I believe the merit badge is actually for carpet munching.

 
 

“Nathan isn’t preoccupied with nipples or vaginas…”

Or haircuts, apparently.

 
 

I had a college roommate exactly like this guy.
Nathan will be out of the closet within a year.

 
 

(comments are closed)