Joker in the pack
Brad, I see your Pastor Swanks and your Coach Daves and your Reverend Creeches, and I’ll raise you a (pause for gasps of shock and a histrionic fainting spell) Bill Haymin.
Oh, don’t you know? Then maybe you should read the first sentence of his bio:
Bill has his P.H.D in self-education.
Fool, you betta recognize. Cable-knit, what!
Actually, that bio is still cracking my shit up, so here’s the rest:
It was necessary since his earlier public school education betrayed his potential to think and learn. He has overcome many obstacles through his faith and relationship with Jesus Christ, which has been the compelling factor in his life. He has been a Christian since 1973, and has spent the last 12 years applying his knowledge of the Bible to every area of culture and life. He is a life long student of history.
Bill’s public school education apparently betrayed his potential to join together split infinitives, and I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that the obstacles he faced prior to 1973 included battling alcoholism on a boat. (Call it a hunch.) Keep in mind that, if John Stossel is ever elected president, Bill is his likely nominee for secretary of education:
From time to time, I like to reproduce or write articles that have special significance and meaning to me and that I think will speak to my readers as well. It is in no way meant to be intentionally derogatory towards anyone else’s beliefs or religion. My passion is to bring articles that are true and educate and inform you the reading public.
This guy is basically like my grandma, who every so often sends me a bewildering assortment of newspaper clippings. That is, if my grandma was Johnny Hart, that goofy old coot who draws B.C., and had her own syndicated column:
I would also like to mention, that if a product is ever mentioned by me, or is the focus of an organization’s products, it is not for personal gain by me or any personal gain by the organization I recommend or focus on. The kind of Christianity that I and the people or organizations that I want to promote & project is one that is real, honest and not any hype. If any money is made by any organization I mention here, it is to further the work of that organization so that they can continue to inform and educate you the reading public. True Christianity is not in ministry for any personal gain but to help their fellow persons.
Listen, old man, I’m telling you for the last time: I don’t want to buy any M&Ms for your church fundraiser.
The following, is a wonderfully written article about leaving a legacy. It was written by Ken Ham, speaker, author and President of Answers in Genesis (AiG), enjoy:
While God might be his co-pilot, it looks like Marie Jon’ is his copy editor. The rest of Bill’s column, sadly (or not so), is an excerpt of a column written by the world’s leading creation scientist, who’s building about 20 minutes from my house a museum that depicts cavemen riding dinosaurs and the impending opening of which making me strongly consider lifting my embargo on psychedelics:
When I think back on my Australian childhood (which seems like millions of years ago these days!), I fondly recall my mother’s mother. We affectionately called her “Nana.”
In my mind’s eye, I can still see Nana standing on the veranda of her and grandfather’s big farmhouse, waving her Bible at a couple of “fleeing” Jehovah Witnesses who had dropped by to visit. They were virtually running away from her after she had passionately “preached” at them!
That reminds me of the time I got whiskey-drunk at Sub Galley and got to talking to this old alcoholic guy who was always hitting people up for drinks and boring them to death, and I told him the lengthy tale of Ed the Amazing Talking Parrot, and after an hour or so he got up and totally blew me off, like, “That’s cool, man, thanks for the drinks — I’ll catch you later.” (I’m still not sure whether I should be proud of that story or ashamed.) Oh, and this other time I heard an old man down the street from me scream “I worship the devil!” at two fleeing Jehovah’s Wintesses. And that’s all I’ve got on missionaries and giving people an unlikely taste of their own medicine.
Friend, when the Australian Aborigines were discovered by Captain Cook in 1770 as he sailed up the eastern coast of Australia, they were a spiritist culture. They lived in fear of evil spirits and curses from witch doctors. They didn’t know the God of the Bible.
The Aborigines were considered “primitives.” Sadly, Darwinian evolution some 100 years later fueled such a view of these people. Of course, they were not “primitives” as some evolutionists claimed. In fact, they had lost something valuable that they once had.
Do you remember that band, The Primitives? I used to like them. I also like that song that goes “I love how I live: primitive.” It kind of sounds like what The Cramps were trying to do. In fact, didn’t The Cramps cover that song?
On the basis of biblical history, the Aborigines had the same ancestor that you ans I have. Their great, great, great, etc. … grandfather, many generations ago, was yours and mine: Noah. Noah, the great shipbuilder, worshiped and obeyed the true God.
What happened to the Australian Aborigines? Somewhere in their past, one of the generations lost the legacy of godly Noah. They failed to communicate it. And it only takes one generation to completely obliterate such a legacy.
Scoff all you like, but ol’ Noah’s been in the news here lately. Seems a bunch of fundy archaeologists found the remains of his ark in Iran. [Ed. note: I, for one, am not making this up.]
Gavin adds: They found another Noah’s ark? Isn’t one supposed to be on Mt. Ararat, in Turkey? Not to mention how Ron Wyatt found a total other Noah’s ark on Mt. Ararat, and also found the Ark of the Covenant and a bunch of other stuff. Modern archaeology is truly making historic strides.
Also, let this be a warning to you: If you reject God and live like a heathen, your ass’ll suddenly end up in Australia and you’ll have no idea what the hell happened. One minute you’re drinking a latté, absent-mindedly mocking someone’s traditional values and then *pshew* you’re listening to a didgeridoo and throwing another shrimp on the barby. Look what happened to Mel Gibson, for example. If I’m not mistaken, he had to, like, make some movie about Jesus getting beaten up just to get his U.S. visa back.
I have but one comment for this asswipe:
“Rabbit Proof Fence”
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0252444/
I swear. If someone could give an actual answer on how Earth’s human population went from, say, 50, to 6 billion, spawning across several oceans and splintering into a dozen or so unique and easily identifiable races, within six thousand years, I’ll convert right now.
Logical makes my Jesus hurt.
Today we witness the birth of a new star in the firmament. It is for this sort of Internet monitoring that we rely upon our always-wise, never-appeasing Sad,No! Nice find.
when the Australian Aborigines were discovered by Captain Cook in 1770 as he sailed up the eastern coast of Australia, they were a spiritist culture. They lived in fear of evil spirits and curses from witch doctors.
So he taught them to live in fear of white folks, like God intended.
One minute you’re drinking a latté, absent-mindedly mocking someone’s traditional values and then *pshew* you’re listening to a didgeridoo and throwing another shrimp on the barbie.
If only that were true….
His garage door is pink. His faith apparently helps him overcome complaints from homeowner’s associations too.
Hasn’t Noah’s ark been discovered in other places, e.g., Mt. Ararat in Turkey? I remember seeing an advertisement on TV that was on late night network, 25 years ago or so, trumpeting this exciting discovery. Did it move? Are there more than one Noahs? (that could explain those racial differences!)
Or maybe those fundie archeologists are pulling our legs, putting the “fun” in “fundie archeologist”, sorta like those teenaged Amish kids getting in buggy wrecks.
Logical makes my Jesus hurt.
Bill Haymin fail anthropology? That’s unpossible!
Logical makes my Jesus hurt.
HA! pure comedy genius. i love it!
Holy shit! Dibs on CafePress!
A PhD in Self Education! Summa cum laude, I bet. Fucking grade inflating Haymin University professor.
Ok, how does 6000 years of slow evolution explain the physical differences between the Aborigines and Europeans? Or did God curse them when they forgot Noah and his magical Ark of Shrinking +2?
Bill has his P.H.D in self-education.
With a minor in sex ed.
I just love those child-molester glasses.
Hehe. Magical Ark of Shrinking. Noah IS Doctor Who. Which also explains the whole time thing. He loaded two of every animal into the TARDIS, a few of the indigenous peeps, and zapped foreword a few thousand years, just to skip the Mud Age and go right into the Bronze.
It’s his hat that’s P.H.D. — Property of Home Depot.
Well, the Aborigines certainly found out about the Christian’s love for his fellow man when all those white guys showed up and started hunting them for sport.
Last I heard, incidentally, the Ark of the Covenant was being watched over by Falasha Ethiopians in Axum (or Aksum, depending on who you talk to).
Funnily enough, the Ethiopians wouldn’t let the author of the book I read into the inner sanctum to see the Ark, but it didn’t dent the author’s sales.
And here was me thinking the Americans had hidden it in a warehouse in Washington after Indiana Jones recovered it.
OT – It looks like Nero has returned. It seems like this cartoon was sadly prophetic!
Some Guy inspired
Logical Makes My Jesus Hurt
XD I should probably come up with a real pseudo-name, then.
You mean the DUI bust?
Does Bill mention anything about green alligators, long-necked geese, humpty-back camels, or some chimpanzees?
Travis,
I was about to write how jealous I was that you were so close to this Creation Museum until I discovered where it was—I’m under an hour away. I must make the trip. I gave up psychedelics too, because, with this stuff around, I don’t need it. I can’t wait till Ken Blackwell’s elected governer of Ohio and the whole state becomes a glorious mushroom patch.
OK, Sadie, you’re the BEST! But no matter how good your words, girl, You ain’t gonna see no UNICORNS!!!
mikey
I think Paul Simon should sue for infringment. This is like “Kodachrome”, only serious. And sad. Very, very sad.
Please, Sadie and Mikey: Stop the Shel-ing.
Bill has his Ph.D. in self-education. Before 1973, his major was self abuse!
Hey, I have a master’s in applientology — I take what I learned through life and apply it to the rest of my life!
I wonder if this Australian is offended by the genus “Australopithecus?”
Mixter
A number of years ago, in Colorado, I knew a fairly wild guy from New York state. About 10 o’clock in the morning, after a raucous, drunken party at his place, two Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on his door. Hung-over and bleary he was greeted with “Sir, do you know that the devil is in the world today?” The guy told the JW’s that hell yes he knew, flung open the door to expose all the passed out partyers and the refuse from said party and exclaimed “He was here last night!” The JW’s gasped, turned tail and ran! Funny story for us and (for them) probably positive reinforcement that their ignorant superstitons are true.
Dude, I bet that place would be fucking wicked on Mescaline!
Noah’s Ark has been found over a dozen times in the last hundred years. Honestly, I’m sick of hearing about it.
I lurve the explanation that the Aborigines forgot about the God of the Bible, after having split away from Sadly, Noah! at some point, and also forgotten whatever seagoing technology they used to get to Australia in the first place. Yep, yep, yep. That’s ever so much simpler than never having heard of Him before! Crikey!
Though I admit that I find the idea of Noah, Time Lord kinda amusing.
Noah’s Ark has been found over a dozen times in the last hundred years.
Well, that makes sense. It had to be a big damn boat.
It always struck me as strange that creationists can ignore pretty much every scientific evidence and theory, but for some reason they accept it as fact that dinosaurs existed and feel the need to reconcile that fact with Young Earth Creation. Why not just say those bones belong to some mythic biblical creature (Leviathan maybe?) or better still, that god planted them there to confuse us and test our belief or something?
I don’t get it. What is it about dinosaurs? It has to be some subliminal Flintstones thing.
You think they don’t use that very argument? D00d, you gots to talk to a few more evangelicals. That’s one of their faves, since it’s utterly magical thinking, and you can’t disprove it with evidence. They *love* those:
“So, if God is all-powerful and all-seeing and all-loving, how come he didn’t stop that busload of nuns and orphans from going off that cliff?”
“I cannot fathom the mind of my Lord, but rest assured that he would have saved that bus if not for the evil sinfulness of someone on board. True, many innocents died, but they’ve been given the reward of entering heaven early and living with the LORD!”
When they hit you with that one, counter with, “So, abortion is bad, again, how exactly?”
Funnymentalists, Jeebus’ Comedy Goldmine.
Last I heard, incidentally, the Ark of the Covenant was being watched over by Falasha Ethiopians in Axum (or Aksum, depending on who you talk to).
That’s funny, I distinctly remember the Ark of the Covenant being sealed away in a giant warehouse owned by a three-letter-agency at the end of that Indiana Jones flick.
Some Guy:
I swear. If someone could give an actual answer on how Earth’s human population went from, say, 50, to 6 billion, spawning across several oceans and splintering into a dozen or so unique and easily identifiable races, within six thousand years, I’ll convert right now.
Logical makes my Jesus hurt.
Very easy. 6000 years is a bit more than 200 generations, depending on how long you make one. Assuming birth and death patters like the period 1960-2000, in which the world population doubled during 40 years, then if the population 6000 years ago was 50, we should today be
50*2^(6000/40) = 71362384635297994052914298472474756819137331200
people in the world, which is significantly larger than 6 billion; 1.9*10^37 times that actually. Rather, one has to explain why after the 250.000 years that Homo Sapiens has existed, we are closer to 6*10^9 than to 2^6250.
It’s easy to explain, of course – human culture has only allowed almost unchecked growth for the past few centuries. But (if one accepts the premises of the bible – and even if not) it’s also easy to imagine a world where human cultures and societies during 6000 years allowed the world to grow from 50 to 6*10^9. In fact, I claim that the world is 1073 years old, which is about the time it takes with doublings every 40 years.
So… gonna convert? 🙂
Regarding Some Guy’s question: There used to be a website called Things Creationists Hate (sadly defunct) which dealt with that very topic. He addressed a creationist claim that if you start from 6 people roughly 6000 years ago (or however long ago the Great Flood was supposed to be), you end up with 6 billion today. Problem is, it only works if you ignore limiting factors. The guy who ran the site demonstrated the absurdity of this argument by using rabbits and having them breed unchecked by limiting factors. Within about 250 years, they’d pretty much overrun the world, and his point was demonstrated most effectively.
He also took the extremely low population growth rate used by the creationists for this argument and showed the population of the world at different periods if we assume the above is true. My personal favorite was ancient Egypt – Using the creationist numbers, the pyramids were built by about 12 people.
[…] OK, Travis, if that’s how you want to play the game, then check out this fine Guy Adams column entitled… […]
Oh, that brought back fond memories of my Jehova’s Witness experience. I was sunbathing topless on my enclosed patio and drinking a beer one fine afternoon, when two male JW’s happened along. Blushing furiously, they stammered something out, then said they could come back later… I said, “No, no! Please! Go ahead… you were saying? And would you guys like a beer?” Sadly, no….. they departed, abandoning me to my hedonistic pursuits and my soul to perdition. Apparently, nudity discourages them more thoroughly than just telling them you’re Catholic.
I have invited them in twice in my life and as they commence their spiel and as I palaver with them I pull out the tray and commence to spin one. Neither pair lasted to ignition.
My friends once invited them in when they (my friends, not the JW’s) were tripping on some fine shrooms. While one friend was debating with them, the other two confessed that they had to go crouch in the bedroom, shuddering with brain spasms… which are NOT the pleasant spasms normally associated with the bedroom.
I honestly think the dinosaur thing is an attempt to lure children into Creationism. Nearly every kid loves dinosaurs, and if one side says that dinosaurs exist and the other side says that they’re just fake bones planted to test us, you KNOW the kids are gonna pick the side with the dinosaurs.
How will they explain Barney, the Purple One? After a decade of trying to convince people that Barney the Dinosaur is kind of a multi-cultural, homo nup lovin’, PBS antichrist, maybe the Religious Wrong can say that Barney’s ancestor was the Snake in the Garden.
Makes as much sense as anything else the wingnuts posit…
My mother-in-law nurtures a white-hot-burning hatred for JW’s because one day they came to the door when her pet cockatiel was out of the cage and flying about in the house. One of the JW’s opened the door despite her refusal to do so, and somehow in the encounter the cockatiel escaped and flew away. It has always been a family legend how the goddam JW’s lost the cockatiel.
Can I just also say that my (atheist, liberal, artistic) BIL, who is an aspiring voice actor, got to be the voice of God in a Christian cartoon about Noah? He rocks.
g, I don’t blame your mother. Refusal to take no for an answer is one of my chief complaints about the sect.
Candy said,
Apparently, nudity discourages them more thoroughly than just telling them you’re Catholic.
I intend to make full use of that excuse. Next time Doktorin Penny asks me to stop wandering around the house with no clothes, because the sight is turning her stomach, I will explain that I am merely keeping prepared to deter JWs.
Hey Dok, it’s the right way to go. Personally, I wear clothes commensurate with the temperature. So in the last fifteen days it’s been a few wet towells at most. But then, I live alone. And salesmen/saleswomen and religious proslytizers learn real quick what’s gonna answer the door in spring/summer/fall….
mikey
[…] I’ll see Travis’s Noah’s ark and Gavin’s Ark of the Covenant and raise them with my “Ancient Book of Psalms” Blah; all Travis’s and Gavin’s archeological coups prove is the greatness of God or Jebus or the Hamburglar or someone. Mine, on the other hand, does that and considerably more: it justifies whatever Israel does! […]
who’s building about 20 minutes from my house a museum that depicts cavemen riding dinosaurs
Hey, that’s where my parents live, too! Isn’t it odd that he decided to build the museum in a place full of Catholics who don’t like fundies and who believe in evolution? (But who are astoundingly conservative otherwise).
Speaking of how God’s heritage got lost, whatever happened to those stone tablets that God gave Moses containing the Ten Commndments?
Not to mention Joseph Smith’s tablets of gold.
These religious fanatics can be so fucking careless.
Personally, I’m an atheist, but if God appeared and gave ME something, well WTF, at least I wouldn’t lose it.
I know what a PhD is, but what is a P.H.D.?
-A heads up on the Jehovah Witness-
There is no Armageddon that will annihilate 6.5 billion people,and install Watchtower leaders as world rulers.
The core dogma of the Watchtower organization is that Jesus had his second coming ‘invisibly’ in the year 1914.Their entire doctrinal superstructure is built on this falsehood.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door to door recruitment is by their own admission an ineffective tactic. They have lost membership in all countries with major Internet access because their false doctrines and harmful practices are exposed on the modern information superhighway.
There is good and valid reasons why there is such an outrage against the Watchtower for misleading millions of followers.Many have invested everything in the ‘imminent’ apocalyptic promises of the Jehovah’s Witnesses and have died broken and beaten.
Every Jehovah’s Witness member will grow old and die just like everyone else.
—-
Danny Haszard Bangor Maine ‘expert witness on the Jehovah’s Witness’
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tram-1978
Sorry, but what is kimerikas?
Jane.