w00t! I made my roll! You are now prisoner of my +2 Mental Cage of Rifle Toting and Sword Thrust. Now you have to make a will check every turn or else you’ll contract homo nups and be silenced in the shadows and forced with facts. You should never have entered this fear cave!

In Swankdom, would homo nups be a Mental Cage of Pork Sword Thrust?

Damn the bellicose bloodthirsty! I weep for shackled once-children.

More lies. The Bush Administration assured us that we would find Fear Caves under Saddam’s palaces, but so far, our troops have found only Nervousness Alcoves.

Fear Cave, Nervousness Alcove…I hope that I’m not witnessing another avalanche like the Cow Slut and Moose Ho deluge (Look Ma! I can mix metaphors).

OK, so I was planning on doing something productive with my day off, but Pastor Swank has penned two absolute jewels that I can’t resist mentioning.

I don’t want to hear another word about Pastor Swank and his “two absolute jewels” again.

We had prayed for their personal liberties, their cheers at election booths, their championing a constitution guaranteeing civility long hungered for.

Now those dreams are fading quickly. In their place, we are forced with facts.

1. “Forced with facts?” What the fuck does that mean?

2. Sorry those stupid facts got in the way. As a member of the reality-based community, I realize now it is our job to keep those nasty facts confined to the basement, throwing them the occasional crust of bread or semi-dead infant, not allowing them to see the light of day and therefore contradict the hopes, dreams, and fucked-up ideas of you and your ilk.

Ilk, Pastor Swank, not “elk.” You can get out from under the table now.

Wow. That’s just…. wow.
Shorter Swank: I can’t figure out why those child-like darkies won’t play nice.

So, um, tell me more about this Cage of Sword Thrust. It sounds… anyway. Just – anyway. Do they, like, take reservations, or is there a waiting list, and do they… well. Anyway.

It’s official: Pastor Swank is more in touch with reality than Glenn Reynolds.

Um, ok. But how can you tell? Instead of a typewriter or computer, I’m pretty sure Swanky writes with a bag full of those refrigerator magnets with random words on them. It’s extremely dificult to tease out any meaning at all. But I’m gonna go ahead and take your word for it…

mikey

I’ve decided that all of Swank’s pieces are rehearsals for the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. Too bad he seems to have missed the 2006 deadline (the results are out, and he’s not there). Better luck to him in 2007, becuase I think his stuff is MUCH worse than the items that won this year.

I think Penn and Teller did the cage of sword thrusts bit on SNL in 1986.

It seems to me that mocking the good pastor is a perfectly productive thing to do on a day off.

1. As a resident of Washington state, all I can say is Gaah! That four of our nine justices voted to strike down DOMA and wrote eloquent dissents is small comfort in the face of a repugnant majority decision. The good news is that most of the five who voted to outlaw “homo nups” are up for re-election in a fairly reliably blue state.

2. As a person who teaches writing, all I can say is Gaah! just Gaah! in response to the forced facts of the once-children shackled in the shadows of the bellicose bloodthirsty.

Just me on a hilltop with fifteen girls
And a Nelson Reilly orgy that’ll make your hair curl
I don’t piss, I don’t shit, I’m getting no relief
People shake their heads in disbelief.

Dead Milkmen, Serrated Edge. Woo-hoo!

I like homo nuts. I mean nups. *smacks forehead* Damnit, damnit, damnit.

“Forced with facts” Huh?

Is that anything like “high on life” or “down with OPP”?

The mildlystartling ledge hung over the cave of fear which was framed by the bushes of ambivalence that grew on the banks of the river of apathy.

“NEWSBREAK: Washington State Says NO To Homosexual Nups”

..and, by extension, childless hetero-nonbreeders. So I’d just like to say:

“Fuck you too Washington State Supreme Court”

Con mucho amore, Vito from Kenmore.

I went over and read Swank’s entire column and I am starting to wonder if he suffers from dyslexia. Consider:

Those Muslim neighbors so-called then bash in the woman’s head till it’s a bloody pulp.

Travel to any Muslim country already established and ask yourself where the democracy is.

The really unfortunate thing is that beneath all the weird grammer and questionable punctuation, the Rev is actually talking about the hideous debacle that Iraq has become.

Even the swankster is realizing that the Great Christian-Democratic Bombing Crusade has, in fact, turned out to be the royal clusterfock that we always maintained it would become.

And as a Christian, he finally realizes what a humantiarian tragedy it truly is.

But all we do is mock him in knee jerk universals.

“bellicose bloodthirsty”?
Huh?
Okay, I THINK, maybe, just maybe, he meant to say “belligerent”. It means the same thing as “bellicose”…ALMOST.
“belligerent” means “warlike”, while “bellicose” connotes comic bluster.
It’s a subtle distinction, I know, but since Swanky’s pulling words from a dictionary at random to try and look smart (a trait dismayingly common among wingnuts), he might as well look them up while he’s at it.

But all we do is mock him in knee jerk universals.

Zuh?

And yes, we do mock. Idiots like Swank are the reason that Bush is in office instead of running another company into the ground or destroying a bank somewhere. Fuck him. Fuck all of them. If they realize now that Iraq was a mistake, they’re late to the party. On the evening the war started, I stood in Central Park at the Imagine Circle with a bunch of old hippies and wailed. Besides, even if he’s got religion on Iraq (sorry), he’s a complete fucktard on everything else. Fuck him.

because of the bellicose bloodthirsty.
There should be a law against making an adjective do a noun’s work… it’s like child labour. If you let Swank get away with dressing ‘bloodthirsty’ in drag, and make it stand there at the end of his sentence masquerading as a noun, then the next thing you know, he’ll be making adverbs sweep chimneys and sending prepositions down to work in the mines.

If you want my theory — and I’m sure you do — it is that the esteemed Swankmeister came across Hemingway’s cache of unwanted adjectives while he was digging his own Fear Cave under his house. They are undocumented (and possibly illegal immigrants from Latin), so he thinks he can get away with subjecting them to outright slavery.

here’s my theory. Pastor Swank writes out his column in pencil, and then goes through and erases random words.

the next thing you know, he’ll be making adverbs sweep chimneys and sending prepositions down to work in the mines

. . . which would, of course, be a travesty. But if you ask me, the indefinite pronouns might benefit from a bit of sweatshop labor.

That’s a highly plausible theory, Kathleen. 🙂

TC and blogenfreude,

On the one hand, there’s no danger of Swank ever voting Democrat because he is a values voter: he mainly cares about abortion and gay marriage and the like. So who cares what he thinks about Iraq; if Bush could run for a third term Swank would still vote for him unless the Dems ran a pro-life candidate, which ain’t bloody likely.

On the other hand:

Fuck him. Fuck all of them. If they realize now that Iraq was a mistake, they’re late to the party.

If you enjoy Republicans controlling all three branches of government, by all means adopt this attitude. Make anyone who voted Republican in the past feel unwelcome. They’ll quickly decide that the Democrats are run by a bunch of loons.

here’s my theory. Pastor Swank writes out his column in pencil, and then goes through and erases random words.

Interesting, and quite likely. My theory is that Swank types all of his columns without once looking at keyboard OR the monitor.

Sorry, make that “the” keyboard.

1. Mikey’s magnetic poetry theory is equally valid.

2. I hate my state at the moment.

3. Swank still probably thinks, deep in his heart, that Iraq would have been a glorious victory if we’d just killed more people.

4. Fuck Swank.

5. The Larch.

Yeah, I had a moment of empathy for the idiot.

As an idiot, he had no ability to see that Bush and minions were nothing but fascist retreads, liars and greedy incompetents. And now that the results of these people running things are incontrovertibly disastrous, he feels remorse.

But being a complete and total fool in addition to being an idiot, he is impervious to reason, and will completely support the next war, as well as vote in the next fascist twerp that promises to scapegoat Teh Gay.

So mock away, friends. Mock away.

What’d we ever do to Swank? Is there some kween out there who once refused tha Swanksta a BJ? D00d, sometimes ya gotta take one for the team! Well, it’s too late now. He’s obsessed and out for VENGEANCE!! It’s a good thing that few besides Bradrocket and s.z. read the ol’ bastard.

Saddam built Fear Caves under his palaces? Dude, he was even more evil than I’d thought! Next thing you’ll tell me is that he was digging Horror Holes and Terror Ditches!

Not to mention Mass Graves, GLOBAL!

Sexy Sadie said,
Sorry, make that “the� keyboard.

I’m pleased to see that you caught that indefinite article trying to skive off and avoid an honest day’s work.