Story of the Day
If you’ve ever been to Chicago, where all those sausage-devouring scum-of-the-Earth Cubbies fans dwell, then you know whom this story is referring to:
WASHINGTON (Reuters) – More and more obese people are unable to get full medical care because they are either too big to fit into scanners, or their fat is too dense for X-rays or sound waves to penetrate, radiologists reported on Tuesday.
“My God! This man’s liver is 45% cheese sauce!”
With 64 percent of the U.S. population either overweight or obese, the problem is worsening, but it represents a business opportunity for equipment makers and hospitals, said Dr. Raul Uppot, a radiologist at Massachusetts General Hospital.
“We noticed over the past couple of years that obesity was playing a role in our ability to see these images clearly,” Uppot said in a telephone interview.
“Looks like there’s a whole leg of ham blocking that pancreas…”
Radiologists have their own term for it when writing up reports: “These images are limited due to body habitus.”
I was hoping they’d write something more imaginative, like “HA HA HA! THE MELTY CREATURE IS TO MUCH OF A FATTY FOR RADIOLOGY! ‘I AM A CREATURE AND MADE OF BUTTER!’ SAYS THE FATTY!”
Anyway, now that I’ve offended the morbidly obese, I might as well take it a step further and disrespect my (very very very very) elders as well. Ladies and gentlemen, here’s Carey Roberts, who has written yet another column on how he’s only 35 years old, but looks 168 because feminists have sapped and impurified all his precious bodily fluids:
Women good, men bad?
Carey Roberts
July 25, 2006It’s about time that we probe an assumption that has insidiously worked its way into our culture — the notion that women are the guardians of goodness and grace, while all those male neanderthals are emissaries from the dark side.
Am I the only one who gets nervous when Carey starts talking about “probing” things?
I will freely admit that men indulge in a number of vices, those including gluttony…
You don’t look all that gluttonous in your picture, Carey. The people who can’t fit into x-ray machines, now they’re gluttons.
…greed, and of course forgetting to put the toilet seat down.
“And peeing all over the bathtub! Bwah-ha!”
Growing up in the halcyon days of the Patriarchy, I was treated to my fair share of ribald humor.
“I remember this great dick joke Ben Franklin told me back in the heady summer of 1767…”
But nothing quite prepared me for what I saw a couple weeks ago. Strolling at the local mall I spotted a young lass, maybe 13 years old. She was sporting a white T-shirt with an unusual picture. The shirt depicted a girl cold-cocking a boy.
Jeff Goldstein would no doubt approve.
Oh wait, he’s talking about something else…
Above the how-to diagram were etched these words: “How to Drop a Boyfriend.”
For the last decade, we’ve been hearing the mantra, “There’s no excuse for domestic violence.” So how could anyone even think of wearing a shirt like that?
I can’t imagine a shirt like that would pick up a lot of guys.
Of course the Lavender Ladies have long scorned traditional notions of feminine virtue. In her book Feminist Morality, Virginia Held haughtily dismisses the ideal of the unselfish, nurturing, and non-aggressive woman as “the whole female stereotype.”
“Back in my day, it was the men who were selfish and aggressive! Now the girls can do it too! No fair! Who let them into the tree house!!”
So now we must ask, What happens to common morality when selfishness, aggressiveness, and all-around oafishness are held up as the cultural ideal for newly-liberated women?
“Traditional values state that men are the oafs, and women have to clean up after them.”
And what about our epidemic of hyper-aggressive females?
Our society is reeling from stories of sexually-assertive school teachers who prey on their male students.
Yeah, I’m sure most of the male students were ever-so-unwilling. Ever hear “Hot for Teacher,” Carey? I know you’re not into any music released after 1845, but you should really give it a listen.
Think of Xena the Warrior Princess with premenstrual syndrome.
Rather not, thank you very much.
Which brings me to another one of my favorite T-shirts: “Girls Lie.”
Carey spends a disturbing amount of time staring at women’s t-shirts, doesn’t he?
Our society has become inundated with so many feminist prevarications that it has difficulty separating truth from falsehood.
Here goes: the oppressiveness of marriage, the stifling effects of childrearing, the gender wage gap, the epidemic of domestic violence against women, the exclusion of women from medical research, the shortchanging of schoolgirls, the catch-all insensitivity to women’s needs, and much, much more.
Which makes you wonder, How did the Nervous Nellies ever get through college without a Take Back the Night rally to steady themselves?
This is my personal favorite: “Women have always been the primary victims of war. Women lose their husbands, their fathers, their sons in combat.” That insight comes to us by way of HRC.
Carey could’ve shortened this column by copying some classic Ol’ Dirty Bastard lyrics:
“Hoeeeeee!
Stankin ass hoes!
You’re the type of bitch don’t appreciate sheeeit,
Never had sheeeit, so you won’t be sheeeeit…”
OK, let’s finish this puppy up:
There’s a lesson to be learned here: You can never appease a feminist.
Napoleon Bonaparte once observed, “Female virtue has been held in suspicion from the beginning of the world, and ever will be.” That’s why as feminism gains, virtue wanes.
And as ODB once observed, “That means, ho, you been shit-ted on! I’m not the first dog that’s shitted on your lawn! HOOOOOOO!!!” Words to live by.
Speaking of which, it’s about time for Taaaad O’Connor to have his tirdy-sevent haard-ataaack.
Oh, wait.
Just when I thought I didn’t really hate anyone, and then along comes Carey.
How has this guy stayed single for so long?
Jillian- I know. It’s been 243 years since his last date.
THE FATTY PORKBEASTS DID EAT THE X-RAY MACHINE!!1!
“BLARRGH!!! THE X-RAY IS A BURGAR! GULP!!!”
NOW IT IS A GLOWCREATURE! EEEK! I CAN SEE THE GRAVY INSIDE!!!
“BUUUURP! NOW I WILL EAT THE DOCTOR”
LOOK OUT DOCTOR IT IS AN EAT ATTACK!!!
Oh, and ‘Tardo-
NO ONE is worse than Atlanta Braves fans. C’mon, the Tomahawk Chop? Stupid assholes. They can’t even sell out their stadium during play-off games, and yet the whole city’ll worship Michael “I am a fraud quarterback” Vick.
LOOK OUT DOCTOR IT IS AN EAT ATTACK!!!
LOL. You do it better than I do.
Eh, I dont like the Braves (I have always loathed Chipper Jones), but at least their fans aren’t either a)yuppie scumbags and vapid consumerist tarts who go to the park just to be seen on WGN talking into their cell phones or b)masochistic psychos.
Racist, though. The Tomahawk Chop is really bad.
brad r, it’s the rivalry thing. retardo’s a cardinals fan.
I think Carey is afraid that somewhere out there exists a t-shirt depicting a woman cuckolding ol’ Carey. What else could be the source of his insatiable misogyny?
I thought Carey’s favorite t-shirt was “Girls don’t poop”.
And Retardo, the real Cubs fans have been priced out of the ball park. Now its just a collection of corporate tarts, frat boys/sore girls, bleacher trash, and tourists at Wrigley. Oh boy, another sell-out for a crap team! Tribune FTW!!1!
/disgruntled Cub fan
PS- the fatty fat fat fats are found at the Sell.
In her book Feminist Morality, Virginia Held haughtily dismisses the ideal of the unselfish, nurturing, and non-aggressive woman as “the whole female stereotype.â€? […] So now we must ask, What happens to common morality when selfishness, aggressiveness, and all-around oafishness are held up as the cultural ideal for newly-liberated women?
Oh, wow. Suddenly the wingnut world makes so much sense! They never learned proper negation rules for logic!
Here’s his argument:
non agressive = old female stereotype
NOT non agressive = NOT old female stereotype
*NOT old female stereotype = new female stereotype
**NOT non agressive = new female stereotype
*Note the number of assumption errors here: a) feminists are trying to create a new female stereotype; b) this new stereotype is the exact antithesis of the old one (i.e., the antithesis of every state in the old stereotype must be included in the new stereotype; no states can be discarded or added); c) no state other than these two stereotypes exists.
**And here we add the assumption that there is no possible state other than “completely passive” and “completely aggessive”.
You know, it fits. To the wingnuts,
support Bush = hate Saddam
and the incorrect negation:
NOT support Bush = NOT hate Saddam
And hence the statement “If you don’t vote for Bush, you are objectively pro-terrorist!”
Wow. That hurts my brain.
The Cubs are probably on track to lose 100 games — you think your cracks can make this season worse??
Also, many of us can’t help that Wrigley Field is a sports bar for the Wicker Park crowd. Still, Wrigley doesn’t need a sign outside saying how many days it has been since the last umpire assault.
And how many ballparks have their rah-rah signs in Latin, I ask you. (OK, it is technically on one of the bldgs facing the field, but still. It’s been there for years.)
EAMUS CATULI!!!
#
Retardo Montalban said,
July 26, 2006 at 15:41
THE FATTY PORKBEASTS DID EAT THE X-RAY MACHINE!!1!
“BLARRGH!!! THE X-RAY IS A BURGAR! GULP!!!�
NOW IT IS A GLOWCREATURE! EEEK! I CAN SEE THE GRAVY INSIDE!!!
“BUUUURP! NOW I WILL EAT THE DOCTOR�
LOOK OUT DOCTOR IT IS AN EAT ATTACK!!!
Clearly this indicates a need for Wingnuts in Party Hats:Renew America edition. An ability to channel Miguel is rare, so……….
Uh … “leg of ham”?
Racist, though. The Tomahawk Chop is really bad.
To the best of my knowledge, it was stolen from Seminoles fans.
Also, many of us can’t help that Wrigley Field is a sports bar for the Wicker Park crowd. Still, Wrigley doesn’t need a sign outside saying how many days it has been since the last umpire assault.
Cubs fans are really more Lincoln Park than Wicker Park, although Wicker Park is certainly trending that way (if it’s not already there). I, of course, am the Lincoln Park exception, holding nearly equal disdain for the Cubs and White Sox as sit at home and root for the Angels.
I do like the Cell better, though. Wrigley is a glorified high school field.
“retardo’s a cardinals fan”
Are they still playing?
The 64% of Americans are obese is such a bullshit statistic. In 2000, the FDA released a new BMI Chart that had experienced a drastic red shift (or left). As a 230 pound, 6’3″ man, I am now obese. I would not call myself anything but kinda tubby, but I work out and am not obese. According to this new chart, Shaq is obese along with Clinton and several other people.
Check it out for yourself:
http://www.fda.gov/hearthealth/lifestyles/chart.html
Hey, how about those Tigers?
NO ONE is worse than Atlanta Braves fans
I KNOW, Huh. What is it with that chant? If I’ve got a Braves game on the toob, I always make certain that the sound is muted. If I hear that droning chant (and gawd, fourteen years in the playoffs, I’ve HEARD that chant!!) and I want to suicide – bomb the stadium. AAARARRRGGG!!
Also, in ’93, when the braves were still in the West and there was no wild card, the Giants won like 103 games and DID NOT MAKE THE PLAYOFFS. Reason enough to hate the braves. ‘Course, what was it, ’97 the cubs beat the giants in a one – game playoff and once again the giants DID NOT MAKE THE PLAYOFFS. Oh, ‘Tardo, why do I torture myself like this? Couldn’t someone help me become a soccer fan instead?
mikey
…their fat is too dense for X-rays or sound waves to penetrate…
Attention:
EAT LESS
EXERCISE MORE
Thank you for your attention.
That obesity article was missing several important facts. For instance – were any of the fat women (“chicks”) interviewed wearing party hats? The article didn’t say, so IT IS A MYSTERY.
Hey, how about those Tigers?
They could win it all this year. I’m serious.
However, I think the Twins are the odds-on favorite to win it all if they make the playoffs. I mean, having Santana and Liriano at the top of your rotation is practically four guaranteed wins in a seven-game series.
mmmm…. cheese sauce… *drool*
I’m sorry. I didn’t get any further than that. The rest of the post isn’t about an old crazy guy ranting about “women folk,” is it?
Despite being a White Sox fan, I feel an urge to commend the many svelte citizens of Red Sox Nation.
retardo is a Cardinals fan? My kinda guy…
One thing you have to give this Carey dude credit for: at least he distinguishes himself from the rest of the perennially fraught crowd by exercising care in his speeling, and, comma,,, usage!!1!!,!!!,!
Despite being a White Sox fan, I feel an urge to commend the many svelte citizens of Red Sox Nation.
Did you have to remind me of those folks? You don’t know fun until you’ve shared the bleacher seats them. I call them my thigh buddies.
Real Cubs fans see the games in Milwaukee.
I agree on the Tigers. There is no reason Jim Leland shouldn’t be a unanimous vote for Manager of the Year.
There’s a lesson to be learned here: You can never appease a feminist.
To ‘appease’ is clearly the worst thing imaginable to the wingnuts. Especially the first two meanings.
I mean. ‘satisfy’? Come on! Carey just ain’t got that much jam, er, Viagra.
It’s about time that we probe an assumption that has insidiously worked its way into our culture — the notion that women are the guardians of goodness and grace, while all those male neanderthals are emissaries from the dark side.
You guys don’t get it. This is satire. See, Carey knows that the Victorian Ideal image of a woman stated above actually grew out of the Puritan foundation of this country in a mad attempt to ensure that women would not ever appear on stage in the new world. The little tarts absolutely ruined the theatre experience in the 18th Century and if it hadn’t been for Charles II boffing them like mad (making a bad situation worse by actually granting legitimacy to what had been, in fact, one step beneath whoredom), entire categories of the Academy Awards could have been avoided. But I digress….
No, no I don’t. That really was his point. Right?
You know, Abraham Lincoln told dick jokes.
On the Senate floor.
…racist dick jokes.
Geez, it really isn’t that hard to put the toliet seat down? I do all the time. Does that mean I’m not a real man? How do I break the news to my wife?
The manliest of men (i.e. me) just leave the seat down and aim carefully.
Despite being a White Sox fan, I feel an urge to commend the many svelte citizens of Red Sox Nation.
“BLARGHH1!!1 COME HERE MINNESOTA TWINKIES!!!”
No Johan! Beware the Green Monster! It is a beanbag lady!!! You must escape!
“HKK! PLEASE REMOVE YOUR HATS FOR THE RETARDEDS ANTHEM!!”
Dont listen Twinkies! It is a fatty trick! the fattys do think you are snacks!!
“AROOOBLARGH!! NOW BATTING IS BIG PAPI!!”
“CHOMP CHOMP!! FAAAAAAAAAAAART! OH THAT WAS A TASTY MURDER PUDDING!!”
Why did the Fenway buttertrolls eat Red Sox to? It is a mystery!
Whereas at the Cell, you really only need to worry about being eaten by Mr. T.
Though there is some serious competition, Carey Roberts is the most batshit insane columnist on Renew America. I have a theory that he is secretly the father of Dr. Mike Adams. I know it sounds far-fetched, especially since Roberts must have been at least 150 years old when Dr. Mike was born, but they are eerily similar: the emotional immaturity, the lame jokes (“Think of Xena the Warrior Princess with premenstrual syndrome;” I’m sure Dr. Mike will steal that line), and the constant tit for tat style of arguing (Feminists don’t care about men who are sold into sexual slavery).
Yeah, I’d love to see my Twins in the playoffs. Big Papi looked like a little leaguer against Liriano. Radke on the other hand…
Ok, look, you guys are KILLIN me with the Liriano. Sabean gave up Joe Nathan and F. Liriano for AJ Fucking Pierzynski. AAARRRRGGGHHHH!! That’s gotta go down in history as one of the worst damn deals EVAH!!!
mikey
Retardo is more Miguel than Miguel.
Carey is missing the big picture here. Look what feminism has brought us. Back in the Harding Administration, if you wanted to have sex with your mistress in the White House, you had to do it in the uncomfortble, unsexy confines of the cloakroom. Since women became knuckle-sandwich-delivering, lying, menstruating warrior princesses, you get to get a hummer in the Oval Office. That is progress.
I saw Elvis Presley
Walk out of a 7-11
And a woman gave birth to a baby
And bowled 257
But the excess of fat on your American bones
Will cushion the impact as you sink like a stone
Crowded House: Chocolate Cake
mikey, not to rub it in (okay, maybe a little), I don’t know if you’ve seen Liriano pitch, but he is the real deal. 96 mph heater, 90 mph slider and 80 mph changeup. And he almost never throws the fastball when he’s behind in the count. It’s really fun to watch, except for a Giants fan. I won’t even pile on by talking about Nathan.
That A.J. deal ended up working out pretty well for us, too. Thanks, Brian!
Just had to throw in my baseball sence, yea the Cardnals are still playing I mean they lead the central with 58 wins and 42 looses (thanks mlb.com 🙂 ) However my yanks are 2 behind Boston right now. Grrr…hate those pesky sawx. Got nine games in Aug and Sept that will dettermine the winner of that division though. Oh ps on are the cards still playing comment pujols is second in the leagu to (damm yep papi again with 34). While aroad (or fraud) as brad says has 21. But I think it’ll be a subway world series in the end with the (my god who’d have thunk it) mets leading the NL east……
Yeah, yeah. And what’s worse, it sounds to me like Brad R isn’t going to be real interested in a Manny for Barry deal either…
mikey
HAW HAW HAW Pickin’ on Teh Fatties is Da SHIZNIT! They all so lazy an’ st00pid and fat ’cause they EATS TWO MUCH!! HAW HAW HAW!
On you way to the next topic, please to stop by the cupboard and eat a bag of dicks.
Pssht, 64%! The deuce, I say! Using the faaaabulous sliding scale of Gay Poundsâ„¢, a full 98% of Americans are fattie Mcfattingtons, give or take a couple of percent. It’s a somewhat complicated calculation, though. See, if 5lbs above an ideal weight are all rock-hard
penismuscle, it’s all good. If it’s a beer-belly, though, it = OBESE!! Though I needn’t even utilize Gay Poundsâ„¢ to opine that those Red Sox Nation d00ds are in the morbidly obese category. And they were fairly young looking, too! What happens when they get older and really start letting themselves go? Eeew!Gramps Roberts, still sharp as a tack in his third millennium of life, writes:
While having Gramps Roberts start talking about “probing” things makes Brad nervous, I, for one, fear him not. Nor need the ladies. All the little blue pillz in teh world aren’t gonna put teh “sn4p” back in his shriveled sausage. I think the vast majority of his fury um, springs from that. Having conjured up that disquieting mental image, I bid this thread adieu!
Women good, men bad?
Two legs good, three legs bad!
Where these two threads come together (the adiposity of the average American and Carey Roberts article) is that Mr. Roberts is actually quite overweight compared to his age cohorts, most of whom are Ancient Egyptian mummies, and hence somewhat more dessicated.
Roy Schneider, MD: “We’re gonna need a bigger CAT scanner.”
Amazing. People who have eaten so much fat that they are now actually impervious to hard radiation. It’s like some sort of superhero Origin Story. Possibly from Toho Studios.
(bad subtitles)
“Mecha-Sumo is here!”
“His vast bulk protects him from the Space Gamma Ray Beams! Tokyo is safe!”
“Look in surprise! No bullets can penetrate his deep abdominal blubber!”
It’s amazing that none of the NAAFA trolls have showed up yet to tell you that 700 lb humans are perfectly healthy and normal and BLARGH, DAMN YOU TO HELL FOR BEING A NAZI AGAINST POOR FATTIES!!1!!
Brad — Yeah, the tomahawk chop is racist. Needs to stop. But if it’s the politics of baseball fanhood that matters, there’s a stronger case to make against Cubs fans who side with the rich, the gentrified, the ultratraditional, the philistine, rather than “sink” to rooting for the poor folks’ team across the tracks.
It’s so sick: Cubs fans are masochists *and* snobs too! Is there anything more insufferable than a self-pitying elitist?
It’s like you took the all the psychoses and rotten political tendencies of America and concentrated them into one group. Cubs fans are like the wingnuts of baseball.
Red Sox fans can be forgiven for their self-torture. For one, there’s no alternative at home; for another, the long drought actually consisted of a great many closecalls.
Phillies fans at least know they are losers. They have an honest and open self-loathing that’s refreshing. And they too lack an alternative team in town.
And yes, chris p (how’s Primer these days without the union, man?) is right: I’m a Cardinals fan and it galls me to no end to see these Cubs-loving retards all the time acting as if their team is some sort of historical equal of ours. Hell, they are fortunate they even get to see decent baseball; if the Cubs were in the League they belonged, those people would be watching fatass softball players beat the shit out of the Cubbies in a sandlot game.
Hahaha – Carey Roberts totally p3wned that chick at the mall!
Wow. I’ve heard a lot of trash talked about the Cubs over the years (I mean, a LOT), but that’s got to be the first time I’ve heard the entire fanbase deconstructed as condescending, elitist wingnuts.
Awesome!
I don’t get it. A witty homily on femininity by a french guy who died 160 years ago is the definitive word on feminism, which kind of sounds like the same word?
Hey now, as a condescending, eilitist Cubbie wingnut –.
No, no, I kid. I’m not actually a wingnut.
But the Cubs certainly could win the Series. If, you know, every other team were struck down by lightning.
Our society is reeling from stories of sexually-assertive school teachers who prey on their male students.
Damn! Where were all these “sexually-assertive school teachers” when I was in high school?
This wasn’t an issue in Carey’s day, since I presume he was taught by Cotton Mather.
[…] But as I give my S,N! comrades a much-needed breather from wingnut-ridiculing, I’ll now apologise to the Cubs fans among our readers, whom I viciously slurred. I’m sorry. I should have made an exception for S,N! readers in my wholesale anti-Cubs diatribes, anyway. But I also should have known that as soon as I wrathed-out on the whole Cubs Nation, the Great Jebus In The Sky would see fit to reward me with shit like this: CHICAGO (AP) — Carlos Zambrano outpitched Chris Carpenter to win his ninth straight decision as the Chicago Cubs completed a four-game sweep of the St. Louis Cardinals with a 6-3 victory Sunday. […]