Yoshida Watch ’06
How long will it be until Adam Yoshida calls for the nuclear annihilation of Lebanon?
Honestly, we’ll probably forget to check. And then we’ll find a month from now that he also recommended, in that artificial policy-wonk tone for which he’s so justly known, the mass disembowelment and gibbeting of all non-Republican life forms and the renaming of Planet Earth to ‘Planet Jude Wanniski’ — with an immediate manned invasion of the moon, mandatory peeing in old Code Red Mountain Dew bottles, and the setting of massive prairie fires to speed up global warming.
And we’ll be like, ‘Oh, wow. Jeesh. Good thing people like that aren’t in charge of things, isn’t it?’
And then we’ll turn a little pale and lose our smile for a second, before pushin’ it on, on, ’til the break of dawn, keepin’ it strong, bangin’ a gong, and all that other stuff on the daily calendar (buy milk).
He’s out there right now thinking like a whirligig; you know he frickin’ is. You can hear him swishing the Funyun crumbs in the bottom of the bag like a dire maraca.
Why would he want to do that? It would deny the Israelis in his imagination (the even crazier than reality ones) the economic benefits of adding the country to their territories.
I think he imagines ‘nuking’ as like banging your fist on a Risk board. Like, “Oh yeah? Here’s what I think of your Kamchatka!” and then the other guy is like “Jeez!” and goes home, and you win.
Just a tangential question: what is the thing about the Code Red Mountain Dew being the preferred drink of the kewl kids? I’ve seen it mentioned a few times, but never got the exact connection. (ie. Is it because it tastes like shit, the preferred flavor of the RW, or is there an actual story to it?)
Code Red is the more Extreme form of a thoroughly Extreme beverage.
Hence, its necessity in any sedentary war-gaming.
Course, I have Dew every now and then as an alternative to coffee- as I kite-surf and street luge to work. Damn, the mid-90s seem so long ago….
Dude. That was poetry.
Fucked up poetry, but still.
Jay, I’m ROFLMAO
…in a thoroughly Extreme way, of course. 🙂
swishing the Funyun crumbs in the bottom of the bag like a dire maraca.
Best. Line. EVAR.
OK, I felt really good reading that post as I swig from a bottle of … MOUNTAIN DEW CODE RED! Shit you not. I guess I’m one of the kewl kidz, now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to play Axis & Allies with Yoshida, Jonah Goldberg, Gary Ruppert and Victor Davis Hanson. They promised me I could be England this time.
Kobie:
Pfft. I drink Code Red constantly, and I know for a fact that you want the purple countries. Papua New Guinea for teh win!
“Mountain Dew Code Red”?
How can any tooth-rot with an ad campaign that evokes Xtr3m3 5port5 d00d!!!1!! and references Homeland Security be anything but a sure win with the Fightin’ Keyboarders crowd?
…dire maraca
Is that a D&D reference?
“Gary, Patterico, Goldstein and I got waylaid by some dire maracas five leagues out of Shadowdale, but between my Mace of Baleful Insertion and Goldy’s +5 VORPAL COCK -”
Okay, I’ll stop.
Well, in the wrong hands, a pair of innocent maracas can be pretty damn dire. Not everyone can be Jerome Green, ya know.
Against my better judgement I clicked on the Yoshida link, now I have to go and find the power washer.
I want everyone to know that this eliminationist buffoon does not represent the peopleof the province of B.C. Yes I know we have our share of cranks and loonies here; we are the terminus after all, the end of the line and there is nowhere else to go. But this one, I don’t know what happened, bad batch of mushrooms?
And his habit of saying “we” and “our country”, did he give himself a U.S. passport? Personally, I think he applied to emigrate to The U.S. at some point and an astute observer at the Consulate stamped his application as UNDESIRABLE. If he feels that strongly about it, maybe he should enlist in a branch of the U.S. Armed Forces. Many Canadians have from the Civil War on, so its not as if it can’t be done. Oh, I forgot, he’s a member of the 82nd Chairborne and therefore his duties to the war on tourists preclude his…. Oh the hell with it, he’s a goddamn putz. If he shows up give him hell.
Meantime I’ll turn on my two relatives(RCMP officers, both) to his site in the hopes that he makes a slip and becomes “a person of interest” vis a vis Hate Laws, that would be fun.
Oh yeah, like “Earth” is such a great name.
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i second that – best line evah….
fucking poetry that is….
Oh my. For a second there I thought I was reading the fucking Scrutator…can’t be real.
It is?
Wow.
I wonder, does the left really have the equivalent of Pam, Jeff and this twit?
If I’m not mistaken, the Dire Maraca requires spending a feat on Exotic Weapon Proficiency (dire maracas), or else he takes a -4 penalty to attack rolls with it. As he is most certainly not a fighter, it would be unwise for him to spend one of his precious feat slots on such a thing.
He should dual wield single maracas– they are a martial weapon, but they are the Favored Weapon of his Deity (Jeebus of teh Nookzorz), so if he is a Cleric with the War domain or a Ranger, he should have access to it (and in the former case, recieve Weapons Focus with it). The Two Weapon Prof. tree is a much more efficient way to spend one’s feats if one wants to play a front-line combatant.
W00t, teh roxx0rs!
(Goddamn right I D&D, bitchez!)
Wait, I always though the dire maracas were druidic items allowing for the summoning of an lelemental one level higher than the druid’s level would normally allow.
Maybe you’re thinking of the daedric marimba?
No no– the Druidic item is the dire glockenspiel. It allows you to summon an air elemental of your HD+1 three times a week for ten minutes at a time on a successful Perform (glockenspiel) check (DC 10). It’s really only useful for multiclassed Bard/Druids and high INT druids with Skill Points to burn.
I thought a dire maraca was merely an Ice Age-period maraca that was much larger than its descendent, the common maraca.
We’ll always have (dire) maracas.
</Bogey>
Don’t you realise it’s really the left that wants to nuke the middle east?
Oh yeah, and Markos wants to be ruler of the Levant after the Lebanese and Israelis kill each other off.
And it’s Hollwood’s fault.
And the proof is that Clinton was a draft dodger.
Can we please just definitively once and for all call these people what they really are – War Whores (TM)?
In Yo-Yo-San’s case, “War Whore™” is not accurate, because (unlike so many of them) he doesn’t receive a single loonie from TPTB. He’s strictly an amateur fruitcake.
“War Slut™” would be more apt, but the rightards have already co-opted that one — it’s their favorite epithet for Christiane Amanpour. Besides, the concepts “Yoshida” and “slut” do not belong in the same sentence. Evar.
“War Wanker™” has a nice ring to it.
From Yoshida’s last post:
It’s late, so I’m going to leave my usual verbosity behind and, instead, simply say this: we need to attack the North Koreans.
They’re having fun at our expense. It’s time to show them that a terrible price must be paid for such insolence.
!!!!!!!
1. Yoshida posts infrequently, but like Gavin says, when he does, it’s always a doozy.
2. “Somewhere out there, someone is thumbing their nose at us, their Western masters!” … has got to be one of the most revealing reasons for advocating nuke ’em all pwnage by a wingnut. But then Yoshida really is the blogging id of the Right. Others kind of dance around how they really feel about not-America … Adam wades right in and vomits up his deepest reptile urges.
foxpaws, from that kooky ymarsakar guy you linked to, after his ravings about Howard Dean wanting to nuke the Middle East:
If I’ve correctly identified a problem, will it at least have the beneficial consequence of harming Democrats in November, when the American public starts thinking about whether liberals or conservatives will best be able to protect American interests in a changing world?
Uh, yeah, pal … and the American public – cleverly hidden amongst the three regular visitors of your blog – waits with bated breath for your next next “identification of a problem” to inform their decisions on everything from buying a new toaster to going with the Right Brothers over the Dixie Chicks in their iPod shuffles.
Demogenes:
The bit you’ve picked out is actually a quote from these folks. They also have an interesting idea of what “disproportionate response” means:
Mentos and Diet Coke … hmmm – Code Red and Cheetos? Anybody tried it? We could all get rich.
I’ll run down to the bodega.
“Darvon and Fresca together are fantastic!”
Woody Allen
Who the fuggo is that next to the mushroom cloud?
My God, man! It looks like Teresa Heinz Kerry after she discovered that the bolts in her husband’s neck weren’t tightened properly.
Man, Teresa Heinz Kerry’s husband jokes are so 2004.
If you’re going to click on the Yoshida link, be sure to read the next post down, which calls for the execution of all Times reporters, or something like that. It concludes with this sweet outtake from Prince Valiant:
I think this is more suport for the Risk hypothesis.
You’d think a go-to guy like Yoshida would prefer something other than Funyuns.
The media has sinned grievously –and now grievously must the answer for those sins.
Whatever, A’da’m.
Gee, you guys sound bored. Why don’t you rally your New York Hebes and Kikes and get them to destroy Lebanon?
…oh, you did that already? Hmph. Oh, well…Never mind.
mmmnnn!!! Funyuns
Ahh, Adam Yoshida. I remember him well from soc.history.what-if.
Adam is twenty-one or twenty-two. Last time I looked, he was still unemployed and living with his parents. Not sure if he ever had much college, but I don’t think so. He took a summer course at Harvard a while back, and spent several months showing off the harvard.edu e-mail address that got him, but he seems to have given up on that.
Basically, the blog is all he’s got.
Oh, and the US thing? He’s been fascinated by the US for years, and by US power. Canada isn’t cool enough for him. He likes to talk about the US (and the US military) as “us”.
However, this fascination does not translate into — say — getting US citizenship and joining the US Army.
Doug M.
Back when he was running for the school board (2002, IIRC) his biographical sketch described him as employed in “the financial services industry”, which I take to mean that he works as a bank teller. He entered Simon Fraser University in the fall of 2001, but quit after one year.
The Dire Maracas would make a great name for a band.