The Scorpiopocalypse Is Upon Us. Run!
Posted on September 21st, 2010 by Tintin
ABOVE: Jen Shroder, from her early porn career
Jen Shroder, (It’s Too Late To) Renew America
Mosques, Muslims and Minivans
- The scorpion I saw in my minivan on 9/11 is proof that the Muslims will destroy America on September 23. Save yourselves while you can. If you doubt my power of prophecy, don’t forget I’m the one that said the Bible foretold the election of George W. Bush.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
[h/t s.z. at World O’Crap, even though I wrote this before I saw her even funnier take on the scorpion in Jen’s van]
Hey, be nice to her –
I’d argue she’s right on the money.
Though not in the way she thinks, of course.
If she wants to discuss scorpions, why isn’t she holding a PENIS upside down.
Um. I don’t even understand the Shorter.
Wow. That’s… that’s weapons-grade crazy. You could burn out a wasp’s nest with that level of crazy. You could kill a herd of elephants with that level of crazy.
Orly Taitz reads that and says, “Whoa, hey, back off and take your meds.”
“my faithful minivan that is ancient and over 226,000 miles, the one that would start up again if I prayed over it, the one that I used for footwashing, the one I was driving when the Lord warned me of disaster ahead and saved my sons and I, the one that honestly lost all symbols of “Dodge” when I put on three Christian fish symbols (they just dropped off, it was amazing)…that one died. Just stopped.”
I know that she is insane but “the one that I used for footwashing” WTF!
I know that she is insane but “the one that I used for footwashing” WTF!
LSD-laced mangoes.
I got off the boat for a laugh but now I’m very, very frightened. That shit ain’t funny, that’s the ramblings of a bipolar person who is hearing voices.
I skimmed over her ramblings. I don’t think she’s quite right in the head. Now if youll excuse me I’m gonna go pray to Juses to save me from the imminent Musliming of my tender, innocent body.
Jen Shroder is founder of BlessedCause, dedicated to restoring sanity to our public schools
Jen has clearly mastered irony. I cannot add anything to this.
I even have evidence from our children’s own textbooks that the Cordoba mosque is all about unifying a Muslim kingdom.
I have evidence it is all about the fine Corinthian leather. Like Jen, I’m not sharing my evidence. If I told you all, my sources would be in danger.
The Lord showed me something last week on the anniversary of 9/11. Something that would be condemned by both the right and the left if it gained any traction. But it’s what I saw.
Jen, that scorpion makes a far more valuable contribution to the national discourse than you ever will.
Fuck, first it’s Obama getting people erased from Google, now it’s God boosting them in the Miracle of the SEO Keywords?
It kind of makes me want to start a search engine called “Zardoz”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOROvO2fxTc
Damn, I posted my best retorts over there, so I’ll have to settle for making fun of her hair.
Well, now we know who Farrah Fawcett bequeathed her wigs to…
I even have evidence from our children’s own textbooks that the Cordoba mosque is all about unifying a Muslim kingdom.
It’s like Disneyland, only with suicide bombers and Shania law!
I know that she is insane but “the one that I used for footwashing” WTF!
Loofahs are cheaper and do a better job.
I don’t know about you all, but I always use a minivan to wash my feet. What? The tub doesn’t cut it.
“I got off the boat for a laugh but now I’m very, very frightened. That shit ain’t funny, that’s the ramblings of a bipolar person who is hearing voices.”
Yes. Eerily similar to the ramblings of my sister before, well, before.
I don’t know about you all, but I always use a minivan to wash my feet. What? The tub doesn’t cut it.
And makes great practice for the Sasquatching of Isreal.
“but $500 later it’s still stalling unexplainably, one’s tranny is going and then totally died, one’s starter needed replacing, [insane ramblings ad infinitem] . . .”
I’m surprised she wasn’t more freaked out about the tranny.
“My youngest had no more walked out the door for college when all five of my cars died at the same time as if on cue.”
Five cars???? Does she have them all up on cinderblocks?
.”
I’m surprised she wasn’t more freaked out about the tranny.”
That made me laugh.
I’m surprised she wasn’t more freaked out about the tranny.
Dude, look at that hair. She’s seen more than one tranny going.
all five of my cars died
I blame Paulina Porizkova.
Chunky Reese Witherspoons for everyone?
“I was stunned and said out loud, “Wow, all my cars die and then a scorpion crawls out from under my minivan, what does this mean?””
I’d guess she actually said, “SHIT! IT’S A FUCKING SCORPION!”
Chunky Reese Witherspoons for everyone?
God will do anything for love, but He won’t Douthat.
Five cars???? Does she have them all up on cinderblocks?
Right next to the toilet-cum-flowerbed in her yard.
After my cat finished grooming herself, she looked up at me and I heard: What the fuck? This is clearly a sign that a plague is going to descend upon Egypt until Pharoah leads the rats out of Hamelin.
“I was stunned and said out loud, “Wow, all my cars die and then a scorpion crawls out from under my minivan, what does this mean?””
It means that you should store antifreeze, sacramental wine, and whatever you use for footwashing in three separate, clearly labelled, containers.
toilet-cum-flowerbed
Worst. Bukkake. Ever.
This is clearly a sign that a plague is going to descend upon Egypt until Pharoah leads the rats out of Hamelin.
If we can get Harry off Lisa Rinna.
Five cars???? Does she have them all up on cinderblocks?
Of course she does. And a washing machine on the porch. Look at her hair!
My overlords won’t let me go over there, but seriously, is she seeing signs and portents in the fact that her beater with more that 200,000 miles on it is finally breaking down?
Oh man…much fun to be found here…
The mullahs must’ve got those born-again prats in Texas to edit out Thomas Jefferson & play up Reagan because they hate your freedoms, amirite? Yeah, I’m sure schools across the land are ringing with the muezzins’ calls to prayer too.
It means you need to clean out your fucking cars more than once every ten years … that old cars cannot be prayed into healing themselves, no matter what Peter Popov’s newsletter told you when you sent away for his “Authentic Prayer Towel” … & that maybe the guy who told you LSD was a vitamin wasn’t being totally straight with you. I’m sure the fact that your AWESOME stories always have zero evidence or independant witnesses to confirm them is part of Satan’s plot to discredit your bitchen prophecy skillz, & not a tell. Amen.
Faith = grasshopper, facts = windshield. Your country has the largest proportion of religious nutjobs outside of places like Iran, to the point where teaching basic science in schools is considered a controversy, & it takes a court case to strike down the teaching of the big bag of fail that is “Intelligent Design” … & wow, I guess I somehow missed the announcement that you’ve suddenly stopped sending Israel billions of taxpayers’ dollars per annum to keep propping up a state with no real long-term viability of its own. Feel free to “turn your back” on me like that any time – I promise I won’t keep embarrassing you around the world every year or so by being a total dick, & I’d settle for a one-time payout of a measly $20 million, America. Call me.
Funny, I always thought the Sign of Jonah (Goldberg) was a fart. A very loud and wet fart.
It’s almost Biblical: “And Jonah spake, saying, ‘Repent (BLLLART-Squish) Ninevah, or the Lord shall (squueeEEE) forsake you!’ “
Tintin,
Later photo. I think a sammich or a melon would be perfect here:
http://www.blessedcause.org/aborticide/adopt.2.jpg
I have to congratulate Tintin, though – it must have taken a lot of research to come up with someone crazier than Christine O’Donnell.
Oh man…much fun to be found here…
I don’t know…I’m skeered…
Oh it’s been “three” “days” “nights”, I been prophesizing like a dog
It’s been “three” “days” “nights”, gonna buy me lotsa POGs
But when I get home to you
I find five cars that have gone pooh
And a scorpion in sight.
You know I pray all day, to get that minivan to turn over
And I used three Jesii fishes, now that Dodge is pushing clovers
So why on Earth should I moan, when O’Donnell’s on the phone
And we dabble in Witchcraft.
Orly Taitz reads that and says, “Whoa, hey, back off and take your meds.”
That is laugh-at-Gallagher-jokes crazy! Thats a-few-tacos-short-of-a-Mexican-combo-plate crazy! Michelle Bachmann locks up the sharp knives when she invites her over for brunch! She picks up secret messages from Ted Nugent while playing the albums forward at normal speed!
Every now and then, I see a “shorter…” on Sadly, No! that makes me think, “No, that can’t possibly be right. Maybe this time— this one time— I will click through, read the original article, and conclude that Sadly, No! has finally misrepresented somebody in a “Shorter…” item.
This was one of those times. The first in over eight months.
Never doubt the Sadly, No! “Shorter…” item!
dabble “into” Witchcraft. Get with the stooooopid.
Tintin, give credit where it is due please! SZ wrote the post, Scott added the lovely picture….
[Tintin says: Fixed.]
Ooooh, I need your wand babe!
Guess you know it’s true
Hope you see my van babe
And my tranny too
Holy, Dodge me, Holy, Mock me
Ain’t got nothin’ but scorpionnnnnns
Three Days of Niiiiiiiiiiiiight!
Whether with Kerry in 2004 or Hillary in 2008, the Bible describes very dark times ahead with increasingly radical weather patterns coming in waves like a woman in labor.
Best mixed metaphor ever.
If I were in labor I’d be too distracted to come.
the Bible describes very dark times ahead with increasingly radical weather patterns coming in waves like a woman in labor.
I’m not sure this is a mixed metaphor. I think she might be saying that breeders are taking revenge for all the aborted babies.
Bend over baby. I’ll drive.
If I were in labor I’d be too distracted to come.
Or maybe not?
If I were in labor I’d be too distracted to come.
Dude, that’s like, a thing.
“one’s tranny is going and then totally died”
That’s too bad about her transexual friend.
Dammit.
“the Bible describes very dark times ahead with increasingly radical weather patterns coming in waves like a woman in labor. ”
And just ahead of that:
“Based on the Bible, I would be surprised if Bush won. Whether with Kerry in 2004 or Hillary in 2008…”
Behold Jen’s power of prophecy.
“actor212 said,
September 21, 2010 at 19:40
If I were in labor I’d be too distracted to come.
Or maybe not?”
W
T
F?
I’m all for this but isn’t it weird having intense orgasms while a baby’s coming out and people are watching?
Jen’s five cars die simultaneously, the one with the new alternator still stalls, it takes days for a tow truck to arrive and then a deadly poisonous insect confronts her. Maybe I’m not too good with reading these signs from God and all, but if those are portents of the Almighty, I think the message is that maybe Jen shouldnt drive no more.
I’m all for this but isn’t it weird having intense orgasms while a baby’s coming out and people are watching?
I dunno! DKW’s mom had to pay for the bed somehow!
This was from LLoyd “Blind Token” Marcus’ piece on the site.
Still focusing on the throat ramming fantasies!
I’m all for this but isn’t it weird having intense orgasms while a baby’s coming out and people are watching?
Heh. I know a woman who orgasmed during delivery, and just met a woman who was trying some “orgasmic birth” technique. I guess its more incentive to push?
I dunno! DKW’s mom had to pay for the bed somehow!
Well to be honest, my birth was such a portentious moment in teh history of Teh Sexay that the whole world was orgasming simultaneously. Yes, I am that good.
Sounds like she got stung by the scorpion and the venom affected her brain.
I guess its more incentive to push?
Makes it hurt less, too.
That pose. What the primatologists would call ‘presenting’. I bet that’s how she looks at scorpions. And I could show her scorpions, black widows, brown recluses, snakes, whatever she wants. We got all that stuff down here in the tropics. I’ve got a van with 226,000 miles on it (fits all the instruments, even the upright bass, never missed a gig).
I’d even let her leave the wig on. Her tranny friend though will have to go.
Well to be honest, my birth was such a portentious moment in teh history of Teh Sexay that the whole world was orgasming simultaneously. Yes, I am that good.
Ah. The worldwide colitis outbreak…
“Well to be honest, my birth was such a portentious moment in teh history of Teh Sexay that the whole world was orgasming simultaneously. Yes, I am that good.”
I think I remember that. It was March of 1959, right? Either that or I climbed a flagpole.
I’m all for this but isn’t it weird having intense orgasms while a baby’s coming out and people are watching?
IME, your last concern at the moment of giving birth is who is watching. After all, you’ve probably just spent considerable time on your back, naked below the waist with at least one foot in the air. Things are happening down there that would have anyone squeamish watching sitting down with his head between his knees, hyperventilating. You’re making noises that don’t normally come from human vocal cords.
What I’m saying is, nobody’s prolly gonna notice.
What I’m saying is, nobody’s prolly gonna notice.
You make it sound so…magical!
What I’m saying is, nobody’s prolly gonna notice.
Especially with the stench of delivery poop wafting thru the air.
Kerry: Proposing a government of baby-blood-sucking vampires
She does have a way with words.
What I’m saying is, nobody’s prolly gonna notice.
…and you won’t care. Especially if you’re orgasming. It’s win win win.
http://www.renewamerica.com/columns/shroder/100717
Read this one! Read this one! Guess which celeb gets “Wake Up, Sampson, the Media is upon you!”
the one I was driving when the Lord warned me of disaster ahead and saved my sons and I
Grammar, woman, LEARN IT.
the one that honestly lost all symbols of “Dodge” when I put on three Christian fish symbols (they just dropped off, it was amazing)…that one died. Just stopped.
She puts plastic Jesus fish on and it dies? EERIE. Let me know if it comes back after 3 days. Or is swallowed by a big fish.
I was stunned and said out loud, “Wow, all my cars die and then a scorpion crawls out from under my minivan, what does this mean?”
Means you drive beaters and didn’t move one for a couple days.
After all, you’ve probably just spent considerable time on your back, naked below the waist with at least one foot in the air. Things are happening down there that would have anyone squeamish watching sitting down with his head between his knees, hyperventilating. You’re making noises that don’t normally come from human vocal cords.
You know WC, your mom is quite familiar with those experiences.
From the orgasmic birth article: “‘She ultimately was right and I was wrong. I never envisioned that, you know, it would have such a happy ending,’ he said.”
I giggled.
literally drinking the blood of aborted babies they so passionately fight to slaughter.
AND BUY A DICTIONARY. Sheesh, lady.
Sorry your tranny died, Jen. Do the other Renew America staff know that you were friends with Divine?
WISHFUL THINKING on the part of Ms Shroder.
She’s right about the light bulbs, though. Those are a liberal plot to poison American citizens.
You know WC, your mom is quite familiar with those experiences.
Sure, she gave birth to seven babies.
YOUR mom, on the other hand, had that experience seven times last night.
“WISHFUL THINKING on the part of Ms Shroder”
And it’s prolly not her throat that she wants it rammed down either.
“one’s tranny is going and then totally died,”
You mustn’t forget to feed your tranny. Their adam’s apples will bulge and they will lose those soft feminine curves.
Plus they will die.
“You know WC, your mom is quite familiar with those experiences.
Sure, she gave birth to seven babies.
YOUR mom, on the other hand, had that experience seven times last night.”
I know DKW’s mom. DKW’s mom is a friend of mine. WC, your mom is no DKW’s mom.
You mustn’t forget to feed your tranny. Their adam’s apples will bulge and they will lose those soft feminine curves.
So Ann Coulter is Jen’s minivan?
MORE baby, MORE!
You mustn’t forget to feed your tranny.
“It puts the lotion on its skn or else it gets that scorpion again!”
WC, your mom is no DKW’s mom
Thank beelzebub for that.
As he chained my beloved minivan up
*takes joint out of mouth*
*eyes it suspiciously*
Who’s in the mood for hot loon on minivan action?
She’s right about the light bulbs, though.
The sad thing is, I’m willing to bet that a large number of conservatards will, in fact, dispose of the light bulbs improperly, because they won’t let the gummint tell them not to put mercury in the water supply, no-sirree-bob.
If my kids have been contaminated by this Eco-nightmare from these insane Go-Green Totalitarian thugs in office, then I’m getting out my activist gear and they will be hearing from me soon. I wanted to write, “and heads will roll” but I have to be careful. Obama has a terrorist watch list. After all I am a bitter Bible-clinging rightwing extremist, my apron is my shield, I might hurt him with my rolling pin.
Do these agencies equally warn conservatives and libs about lacing our homes with toddler poison?
No. Obama had The Google direct all searches about mercury that originate from conservative IP addresses to auto-direct to http://www.mercuryisgoodforyoupleasedrinksome.com.
Who’s in the mood for hot loon on minivan action?
So what’s the female equivalent of sticking your dick into the tailpipe of a truck?
So what’s the female equivalent of sticking your dick into the tailpipe of a truck?
I’d presume that the outside of a tailpipe could see some use, but you should query Rule 34 to be sure.
I’d presume that the outside of a tailpipe could see some use, but you should query Rule 34 to be sure.
Sounds…scratchy…and difficult to do.
So what’s the female equivalent of sticking your dick into the tailpipe of a truck?
Trailer hitch, complete with Truck Nutz.
Sounds…scratchy…and difficult to do.
To be fair, I’d expect the inside is scratchier than the outside. If Donalde has turned comments back on, I’d expect you could ask him.
Great, now I’m wondering if there’s a rule 34 version of the movie “Cars.” blech
Great, now I’m wondering if there’s a rule 34 version of the movie “Cars.” blech
Let me Google that for you.
now I’m wondering if there’s a rule 34 version of the movie “Cars.”
The nice thing about Rule 34 is that there’s never any doubt.
That’s also the bad thing about it.
If my kids have been contaminated by this Eco-nightmare from these insane Go-Green Totalitarian thugs in office
Jesus H, mercury had been in thermometers and thermostats for decades before Go-Green Totalitarian thug GEORGE W BUSH signed The Energy Independence and Security Act of 2007. She’s the type who’d bitch about having to properly dispose of a lightbulb while painting her kids’ with mercurochrome.
I found this gem on Jens forum. One of her fans remarking on one of her articles.
mercury had been in thermometers and thermostats for decades
Also makes a great dessert topping!
Jesus H, mercury had been in thermometers and thermostats for decades
I still remember being in chem class in 9th grade and being given mercury to work with. The sum total of safety lessons we were given was “if you have any cuts on your hands, come here and get a band-aid before you start.” When we were done, they had us pour our mercury down the sink drains.
But Reagan was President then, and ketsup was a vegetable, so everything was A-OK.
Jeeze, I remember playing with “quicksilver” in school science classes in the 60s. Sometimes I think it’s a wonder we survived!
Also makes a great dessert topping!
Isn’t that what they use for those little silver cake sprinkles?
Did we?
Isn’t that what they use for those little silver cake sprinkles?
Until the fucking FDA made them switch to cadmium.
spagetti-noodled death bombs
Best band name ever
Until the fucking FDA made them switch to cadmium.
Huh – I thought I was joking but I guess it’s kinda so.
Huh – I thought I was joking but I guess it’s kinda so.
Dragées? OMG! TEH GHEYS ARE EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!
“Wow, all my cars die and then a scorpion crawls out from under my minivan, what does this mean?”
It means god apparently does not speak english, so the old fart better learn the language or get the fuck out of US.
So, seeing a scorpion and immediately thinking “Evil Scary Muslim” is eerily similar to seeing a kid with a Sasquatch sign and immediately thinking “Jew Hater.”
I’m starting to sense a pattern here.
I’m starting to sense a pattern here.
Not to mention a reality TV enterprise – When Confirmation Bias Attacks!
LD wins.
“Wow, all my cars die and then a scorpion crawls out from under my minivan, what does this mean?”
OMG, I just figured it out!!! God is warning her that the next hurricane(see) is going to put her in danger so she needs to evacuate(likewise).
So, seeing a scorpion and immediately thinking “Evil Scary Muslim” is eerily similar to seeing a kid with a Sasquatch sign and immediately thinking “Jew Hater.”
One one of those people is a teacher, while the other wants to restore sanity to our schools. We’re fucked.
One one of those people is a teacher, while the other wants to restore sanity to our schools. We’re fucked.
We got the football coach covered, too.
We got the football coach covered, too.
We already had that – ding dong dilly, loony libs!
Damn those ecothugnazis with their forcing me to buy and use CFLs in 2009 by phasing them out of production by 2013 or whatever!
On the other hand, when I was in school our alchemy teacher had us produce quicksilver1 by grinding cinnabar and vinegar with a brass mortar and pestle.
1. Well, he called it hydrargyum to distinguish it from virgin quicksilver, but now I’m really dating myself.
virgin quicksilver
Otherwise known as Sister Mary Slippery
See the last thread.
The Onion, or Jen? You be the judge.
“Wow, all my cars die and then a scorpion crawls out from under my minivan, what does this mean?”
I’m so tempted to go light one of her (remaining four) cars on fire, just to see what article would come out of it.
I’m so tempted to go light one of her (remaining four) cars on fire, just to see what article would come out of it.
How about a tape deck playing a booming voice saying “Edgar! Edgar, this is your tummy speaking! Malt-O-Meal!”
I’m so tempted to go light one of her (remaining four) cars on fire, just to see what article would come out of it.
I would interpret that as a message from the universe that (at least) one of Jen’s cars is flammable.
I tried to date myself bUt I don’t think I’m good enough for me.
I tried to date myself bUt I don’t think I’m good enough for me.
I have no interest in dating anyone whose standards are low enough to include me.
I tried to date myself bUt I don’t think I’m good enough for me.
Refusing to date yourself makes you good enough for Christine O’Donnell.
Holy fuck, Italy just impounded $30 Million from the Vatican Bank for money laundering. Couldn’t-a happened to a nicer bunch.
I tried dating myself, but I kept standing me up.
“Refusing to date yourself makes you good enough for Christine O’Donnell.”
I’m pretty sure she frowns on chick on chick action almost as much as hand on genitals action.
I’ve heard that I’m a big slut. I want no part of that.
Her five cars died (even the one she uses for footwashing!!11!) so god is telling her America is failing in five ways.
It would be so easy to gaslight this woman.
I bet she spends a lot of the time in the bath tub”examining herself”. For medical reasons. But then still feels guilty.
I’ve heard that I’m a big slut. I want no part of that.
I?W?N?
psst. can you get me her number?
I’ve heard that I’m a big slut. I want no part of that.
Aww…I thought that was part of your charm.
I’m pretty sure she frowns on chick on chick action almost as much as hand on genitals action.
This sure makes it sound like she was not so frowny in college: “One of my first dates with a witch was on a satanic altar, and I didn’t know it. I mean, there’s little blood there and stuff like that,” she said. “We went to a movie and then had a midnight picnic on a satanic altar.”
Refusing to date yourself makes you good enough for Christine O’Donnell.
I’m pretty sure Actor would date you too, for values of “date” that include either roofies and a windowless van or carbon-14.
I
datescare myself.I
datescare myself.Long as you don’t touch yourself.
I don’t want
Anybody else
When I think about me
I touch myself
I tried to date myself bUt I don’t think I’m good enough for me.
You could be your narcissist with benefits.
It’s all y’all’s fault, I’ve been in the music room rocking on Dan Hicks ’till the phone rang. Dan Hicks is Texas swing slowed down as slow as it can still be. “I Scare Myself” is a seesaw with Hicks trademark stacked 7’s and 9’s and, thus, you can treat it like a Zappa seesaw. Whooeee! Guitar apotheosis!
Thought you’d want to know. Perhaps it belongs in the previous thread though.
It means, Madam, that your youngest’s alibi FAILED, as did his insidious “death by scorpion” plot. All due to the brilliance of
Encyclopedia BrownHercule Poirot.Five cars???? Does she have them all up on cinderblocks?
Those chickens have to live somewhere.
I still remember being in chem class in 9th grade and being given mercury to work with.
Who wants a lecture about mercury neurotoxicity? Warning: May involve the Explaining Voice.
Those chickens have to live somewhere.
Shit. If she were a real country girl, they’d just live in the trailer with the rest of the family.
Who wants a lecture about mercury neurotoxicity? Warning: May involve the Explaining Voice
No thanks.
Who wants a lecture about mercury neurotoxicity? Warning: May involve the Explaining Voice
No thank you.
tsam–Let me guess, you don’t want it?
tsam–Let me guess, you don’t want it?
That… um…was a subtle humor attempt….short term memory loss due to mercury poisonong…made me forget that I had just answered.
I’m like that dude in Memento only way different.
That… um…was a subtle humor attempt….short term memory loss due to mercury poisonong…made me forget that I had just answered.
Gotcha. I’m not smart enough to catch it after only two times.
very dark times ahead with increasingly radical weather patterns coming in waves like a woman in labor.
Not your usual weather forecast. Sounds like a poorly-dubbed version of Weather Woman.
You have to love how she refers to it as “one’s tranny” — the ol’ royal/editorial tranny.
One finds oneself in a muddle when one’s tranny is going and then totally dies. When one’s tranny dies, one perhaps wishes to replace one’s tranny right away, but it’s best if one first gives one’s heart and cornhole the time to properly heal.
Oh, ferChrissakes. What The Fuck?
I cried my guts out when my tranny died. Those are hard to find.
Oh, ferChrissakes. What The Fuck?
IF YER GONNA SAY IT, MIGHT AS WELL SAY IT LOUD AND BIG, RIGHT?
I dated myself once, went to a very nice restaurant. It was extremely awkward when the check came though. I mean really, who should pay in that situation?
Gotcha. I’m not smart enough to catch it after only two times.
I fail. Poor delivery.
AND 68 PAGES LONG, TOO.
I fail. Poor delivery.
Nah. I blame the Percs.
AND MIND-NUMBING ENVELOPE STUFFING.
I dated myself once, went to a very nice restaurant.
Did you kiss yourself goodnight when you dropped yourself off or did you invite yourself up for a drink?
With my luck, I’d give myself a friendly handshake. Unless, of course, I slipped myself a roofie.
MIND-NUMBING ENVELOPE STUFFING.
Yer doin it rong.
AND 68 PAGES LONG, TOO.
And I believe the whole thing simply says CUT TAXES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Perhaps you should get your Marine friend involved.
That’s nothing. I frequently fuck myself.
“Jesus, protect me from your followers.” ~ The Atheist’s Prayer
Nah. I blame the Percs.
AND MIND-NUMBING ENVELOPE STUFFING.
I blame the hot, oily, shirtless, muscular marine that’s dominating your conscious mind. Cold shower. You can haz one.
You have to love how she refers to it as “one’s tranny” — the ol’ royal/editorial tranny.
The “one’s” there actually means “one car’s”, but I initially had the same reading you did. I like that one better than the real intent, actually.
I blame the hot, oily, shirtless, muscular marine that’s dominating your conscious mind. Cold shower. You can haz one.
Well, I didn’t have one dominating my conscious mind until now that you suggested it.
Mmmm oily…
“I dated myself once, went to a very nice restaurant. It was extremely awkward when the check came though. I mean really, who should pay in that situation?”
Depends. But if you ordered the lobster, you have to put out.
Mmmm oily…
Walking away from a giant explosion in slow motion with badass heavy metal music blaring…
Walking away from a giant explosion in slow motion with badass heavy metal music blaring…
“You got your homoerotic fantasy in my man-candy fantasy!”
“You got your man-candy fantasy in my homoerotic fantasy!”
Two great tastes that taste great together!
Ok, random rant time.
I’m not one to defend Paris Hilton, I pretty much thing she’s a complete dirtbag. But this cocaine shit is just getting stupid. I’m sick of hearing about it, and I’m violently sick of hearing all the “will no one think of the children???” concern trolling shit from all the soccer mom bitches and dumbass Nascar watching fools. Leave the bitch alone and get the fuck over your fucking sanctimonious irrational fear of drugs that are about as harmful as the beer or wine you drink with your pan-fried steak at Applebees. Assholes.
This has been a message from your local tantrum prone dude who can haz enuffadis bullshit.
We now return you to your normally scheduled snarktity, already in progress.
Scott Walker’s date -with- himself notes are none of our business
OH FUCK YOU WORDPRESS. GODDAMMIT
I just had a rant about all the soccor mom whores and Nascar douches concern trolling Paris Hilton’s alleged use of OMFG COCAINE!
To summarize, get the fuck over your sanctimonious, irrational fear of a drug that’s about as harmful as the fucking Budweiser you drink with your pan fried steak at Applebees.
Thank you.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled snarktity, already in progress.
As soon as I read this at WO’C, I thought, “Tell me the fucking lotto numbers, bitch!”. Same as I always do with any soothsayer/clairvoyant/swamee type meathead I run across. Worthless, lying rat bastids, the lot of them.
Walking away from a giant explosion in slow motion with badass heavy metal music blaring…
Hmmm……naaaaah.
When the scorpions come, they’re gonna rock us all like a hurricane. BOOKMARK IT!
Maybe God is just trying to tell her that she should find a mechanic and that she is offensive to scorpions, which are just about everywhere, hiding, waiting for her stupidity to set off the Apocalypse.
Hmmm……naaaaah.
Hey! I’m workin’ here.
they’re gonna rock us all like a hurricane.
Since I believe I can totally trust none of you to make fun of me, I’m going to admit that I like that song and enjoy it when it comes on the radio.
Giver her inches and feed her well.
Or just “give”.
Maybe God is just trying to tell her that she should find a
mechanicfaith healerPhyqzed for more crazy god-botherer goodness. Besides, the minivan responded to prayer.
she should find a faith healer
Perhaps I can help.
“Since I believe I can totally trust none of you to make fun of me, I’m going to admit that I like that song and enjoy it when it comes on the radio.”
My better half likes that song unabashedly too.
My better half likes that song unabashedly too.
A HA! I don’t know what the means, but it means something.
Rock guitar solo ON A ROCK at 4:16.
Rock guitar solo ON A ROCK at 4:16.
This song is fucking awesome.
This song is fucking awesome.
Oh, Jesus.
Juses.
Or just “give”.
Surely you mean give’er. Eh.
I love how that’s the ONLY scene not filmed on the stage. One partial cut of dude standing on a rock and givin’ it the goddamn bizniss.
FAYTE, Beba FAYTE
To win back your love again.
There’s rock and there’s rock and in that video you get BOTH ROCKS.
Who else here screams “Like a HURRICANE” during the chorus of Send me an Angel?
More Scorpiawesomeness
Suck it, …somebody.
From the link up there in the mists, Jen types:
No surprise she hates women, it’s an article of her faith. But I’m amused by the “Hollywood chauffeur” thing. Five cars that don’t run, but she drives for a living? In the very belly of the actual BEAST?
I’ve heard a parade of sirens chew men up, spit them out and watch them crawl back begging for more.
That’s SO hot.
If your band doesn’t have a 300 video you suck.
From the link up there in the mists…
Musical accompaniment.
So Meldo fell into the clutches of a foul temptress…well that explains the antisemitism.
That TJ video has quite a comment:
And if you don’t have a 300 video you suck.
If your band doesn’t have a 300 video you suck.
That battle took place in Gorky Park.
Stats from someone’s “board.”
Let’s hope Jen is appreciative of all we’ve done for her!
Comparison:
Go, sweaty & pink!
And if you don’t have a 300 video you suck.
Oh. My. God. I bow before your mastery of the internetterons.
I rate for Tom (Jones & Cat) over the effing Scorpions any day, any way.
So Meldo fell into the clutches of a foul temptress…well that explains the antisemitism.
Well, except Delilah was not Jewish.
I do enjoy the image of Mel going out like Samson did, though.
But remember, boys and girls, Islam and only Islam is a religion of violence.
Little By Little rocks.
How can you not love a man who can dance in such a way to make Janis Joplin like good? Who makes Joe Cocker look like Gene Kelly. Who dances like THIS!
Little By Little do rock; dug the shot of TJ w/ the PlayBoy© Bunnies™ too.
If your band doesn’t have a 300 video you suck.
That’s some genius, there.
My comments vanishing is a sign from Cthulhu promising destruction unless we return to the old ways and sacrifice a virgin. I’m looking at you, Christine.
So looking at those Scorps vids, I have to laff at the band geeks tryin’ to look all badass. Did they REALLY think tiger-stripe stretch pants made them HAWT? Really?
I don’t think C.O’D. is claiming to be a virgin. It’s the whole “slutty, saw error of ways, became rabidly zealous convert/returned to my old-time religion” deal that the rubes lap up like mayonnaise.
tiger-stripe stretch pants
Where tiger-stripe = skid mark.
The beret over the balding curls was somehow not emulated by the heavy-metal artists that followed.
Apropos of nothing, I like Little by Little by teh Chicarones.
Wow. I’m preparing to throw my panties right now.
There’s nothing funny about mental illness you guys.
I don’t think C.O’D. is claiming to be a virgin. It’s the whole “slutty, saw error of ways, became rabidly zealous convert/returned to my old-time religion” deal that the rubes lap up like mayonnaise.
I have it on good authority that Cthulhu is willing to make some needed allowances.
Hahaha…Joe Cocker’s expecting Teh Flood.
I’m still waiting for Nickleback to do their Scorpions tribute album…
Who dances like THIS!
Hey, he’s a Pom, what can you expect?
And Teh Chicarones could take some dancing lessons from Tom Jones to spice up their act.
I’m monkeyed up and ready to chase Tom
Since I believe I can totally trust none of you to make fun of me, I’m going to admit that I like that song and enjoy it when it comes on the radio.
To quote Otter from Animal House: “You fucked up! You trusted us!”
222nd?
And Teh Chicarones could take some dancing lessons from Tom Jones to spice up their act.
You got me there. But “Where’s my sandwich?” Come on.
There’s nothing funny about mental illness you guys
I beg to differ. What? Oh really? But you said no more killing until the solstice. Don’t make me do it.
Man, I fucking love the Scorpions. Blackout was my favorite album when I was 11.
To quote Otter from Animal House: “You fucked up! You trusted us!”
I was being facetious.
So looking at those Scorps vids, I have to laff at the band geeks tryin’ to look all badass. Did they REALLY think tiger-stripe stretch pants made them HAWT? Really?
And they were so *earnest*.
Those Germans and their earnestness. What could go wrong?
Hokey Smokes!
M–The fuck??? Jesus.
Say goodbye Ken.
Samson was deeply in lust. So was Mel.
Worst slash-fic evah.
As a Hollywood chauffeur, I’ve heard a parade of sirens
I’m sure she has. AND THERE’S THOSE FLASHING LIGHTS AGAIN!!!!
my favorite album when I was 11
When I was eleven, there were no albums. Just a tin can on a string connected to a radio station.
Gold-digging bitches totally deserve to be hit in the face by the fathers of their children when bitches are holding said children.
When I was eleven, there were no albums. Just a tin can on a string connected to a radio station.
Youngster! I had to stick a pteradactyl’s beak into a flat rock and spin it!
Request Line: This object should be used in a foul Photoshop or awful animation, possibly involving sacrifice, mutilation or … Well, you get the idea.
Actor, I was gonna tell you (but I was sleeping) Chrome has decided that your web log is dangerous. Check the widgets.
CANKLE UPDATE!!!
When the fuck are these bruises going to go away?
Actor, I was gonna tell you (but I was sleeping) Chrome has decided that your web log is dangerous. Check the widgets.
You check Actor’s blog in your sleep? That’s dedication!
I done kilt the thread!
Diapers:
You check Actor’s blog in your sleep?
One must be in a zombie-like state. (Unless his associates are posting, OK?) But I am in one most of the time anyway.
A rich businessman was wearing a diaper when he plotted to murder his wife
Does that make the sentencing nastier, like if you get pulled over for speeding and they find out you didn’t have your seat belt on?
I think the diapers are a moral dirt road you can’t pull off of. Businessmen, astronauts, and senators: all are led to ruin by the siren call of the diaper.
Also little kids suck too.
Unless his associates are posting, OK?
Good save.
Your bruises will be changing color w/ the seasons.
Six to eight wks. Minimum. Cankle will probably require exercise to move all the stuff out.
Six to eight wks. Minimum. Cankle will probably require exercise to move all the stuff out.
Is it time for cankleblogging?
Is it time for cankleblogging?
Ooh, that’s going to be my next post at actor’s place!
Six to eight wks. Minimum. Cankle will probably require exercise to move all the stuff out.
Damn.
Yeah, they still hurt.
My ass bruises are gone, though. I guess I should be thankful for that?
Assblogging!
Better still. Even.
I have to congratulate Tintin, though – it must have taken a lot of research to come up with someone crazier than Christine O’Donnell.
Now that I’ve seen the ‘Restore America’ site, I appreciate the crusade headline art from the other day even more.
It’ll make the whole trial nastier unless the bailiff periodically changes the defendant.
I am for purity of thought, action and American USA power. We don’t need the gays shoving there lifestyle down are throats.
Seconded!
It’ll make the whole trial nastier unless the bailiff periodically changes the defendant.
I’d imagine it was defense counsel’s job to do that – move to recess, or recess to move, or whatever.
From way back up there,
“Jesus, protect me from your followers.” ~ The Atheist’s Prayer
Great quote, although I always heard it as “the Jewish Prayer.” No matter.
My God, they’ve done it. They actually topped the health care fiasco.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_upshot/20100921/pl_yblog_upshot/how-democrats-lost-dont-ask-repeal
Last time I checked, DADT was opposed by a majority of voters in both parties – this isn’t remotely as controversial as UHC, it’s an issue where the public was with both parties. And yet the Dems failed to even pass this?
I’m reminded of one of Jennifer’s line from the health care debate time; the Democratic Party’s sales pitch has become “vote for us, even though we can’t deliver even under the most optimal conditions.”
I won’t be one of them, but I find it hard to blame the Democratic voters who’ll simply stay home in disgust this November.
The Simpsons got there first:
slow motion with badass heavy metal music blaring…
http://heavymetal.about.com/od/scorpions/Scorpions.htm
And one email from a conservative friend (the same one who didn’t know until last summer that we hadn’t found WMDs in Iraq and now thinks they’re in Syria) about how fun it would be to build a gay bar across from the Ground Zero Mosque “so the Muslims can show us their tolerance.” Which, you know, is made even more inane by the fact that the “joke” appeared in the National Review a month ago. Man, I am not going to bed happy.
T&U, I sympathize with your co-worker predicament. This is my version of her.
short term memory loss due to mercury poisonong…made me forget that I had just answered.
mad as a hatter
And one irritated response email, away!
I feel like I just fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous of which is “Never get involved in a land war in Afghanistan,” but only slightly less well known is this; never get into an argument with a conservative, because it’s like arguing with a dining room table.
I’ve found that when arguing with a conservative, the most useful rejoinder is “Fuck you.”
My … bruises are gone, though.
As I am not a doctor (Though I do play one out behind the garage, where mommy can’t see.) you may heal up real quick, so don’t take my word for it. But there’s still more loose blood/fluid in your (c)ankle than that other zone.
Hey look: In preview, (c) renders as ©. What will happen in real life?
Here’s a new one: Thank you, WP.
Me too.
Until I see shit like this, or this, or a million other things. Then I just want to grab them by the lapels and scream at them.
I’ve found that when arguing with a conservative, the most useful rejoinder is “Fuck you.”
Don’t forget the fuckee’s horse what he rode in on.
Also partial to “Fuck you, & everybody like you.” I am very inclusive!
You are posting comments too awesomely. Speed up.
Also partial to “Fuck you, & everybody like you.” I am very inclusive!
Classic Liberal: a big tent kind of guy.
( c ) ( tm ) ( r )
renders as:
(c) ™ (r)
hmmmmm….
arrrrrgggggggg…..
☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺
☭☭☭☭☭Communism is groovy!☭☭☭☭☭
☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺
Classic Liberal: a big tent kind of guy.
You should see the tent I got going. Well, no you shouldn’t. But it’s big ‘un.
✠SURFERS RULE!✠
I just remembered this is another thread I can appropriately link to some more awesome Kenneth Anger , the scorpio stuff.
Kustom Kar Kommandos, also. Not quite dick-in-tailpipe, but close.
If a woman moves a vehicle in her driveway and “critters” crawl out from beneath it, she might be a redneck.
When a person implies that a god of any religion speaks to her, she is either a bullshitter or bipolar; in other words, not someone one should trust around heavy machinery, debates about the separation of church and state, moral education, and multicultural diversity.
The worst are the ones who swear off sinning, after having immersed themselves in it until it bored them. Next are the ones who rarely sin, because they were afraid to try anything their entire life, and try to excuse their innocence by claiming they “just knew it was wrong.” Finally, what can be said about those who state that, “god told me to do it?”
Yeah, I put that one up on the autoerotic thread.
I guess Kenneth worked on some stuff with the Rolling Stones, too, or vice versa. I t’s great to see all that stuff online. Used to have to order it and have a projector.
Does being the first True Believer to correctly identify THE END OF THE WORLD get to be in charge or something?
Why is it that having all five cars go punk dead is not a sign from God (maybe that you’re doing something wrong), but, a scorpion crawling out from under one of them is exactly that?
And, not only a sign from God, but one that suggests that the end of the world is near?
However, I’ll admit that finding God’s will in everything from the mundane to the miniscule must make for an exciting life. It must be like having a personal trainer on call 24/7.
So, “god” saw fit to start her car for her, until one day She says “Fuckit, ALL you cars are belong to us” and the god-botherer takes the sight of poisonous vermin crawling out of the wrecks as “A Sign”(tm)
Just wanted to be sure I was keeping up with the story. When does she “Discover” that she’s a sekrit alien with sooper-powerz, sent to Earth to “Judge Us”? Soon after she’ll start killing cops.
Does being the first True Believer to correctly identify THE END OF THE WORLD get to be in charge or something?
Yeah, pushing up dasies above your burial plot.
Kenneth worked on some stuff with the Rolling Stones, too, or vice versa
“Invocation of my Demon Brother.” Not as good as earlier stuff, in my opinion.
In trivia, almost took a film class from the woman who plays Lilith in this one.
Chris said,
And one irritated response email, away!
I feel like I just fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous of which is “Never get involved in a land war in Afghanistan,” but only slightly less well known is this; never get into an argument with a conservative, because it’s like arguing with a dining room table.
Now now, that is not a fair comparison.
Dining room tables:
1) are nice to sit around
2) can support themselves
3) are stable more often then not
Scorpion apocamon
My … bruises are gone, though.
Aww, you ommitted “ass.” What a gentleman!
I actually think you’re right. The small, inflamed area where my nerveblock catheter was hasn’t gone down much at all, and that seems odd.
The whole notion that scorpion attacks and car things are acts of god smacks of self importance and divine approval.
I overheard fundie wife at work talk about how their ice maker had taken a month long piss on the floor while they were on vacation.
Of course this was just god’s way of helping them to get their wornout carpet and floors replaced wth an insurance claim. It was amazing to hear fundie wife actually putting an appliance malfunction into terms of divine intervention, and God working in their favor.
Praise Jeezus!
Not as good as earlier stuff, in my opinion.
I hadn’t thought about it lately myself. Looked up Anger on wkipedia, wasn’t sure he was still alive. ‘Earlier’ stuff is WWII and before – whoa!
Amazing, I never though of him as ever being in the octagenerian zone. He looks better than many 80 year olds.
ℷኒ✑ኇ∅Communism is groovy!◤◉◓⒢⎋
◭
never get into an argument with a conservative, because it’s like arguing with a dining room table.
You mean like this?
Last time I checked, DADT was opposed by a majority of voters in both parties – this isn’t remotely as controversial as UHC, it’s an issue where the public was with both parties. And yet the Dems failed to even pass this?
Yes, but forty Republican Senators can and did stop it.
Is it time for cankleblogging?
Ooh, that’s going to be my next post at actor’s place!
Hm. Don’t seem to see one….
Hm. Don’t seem to see one….
I was joking. I didn’t think anyone would care that much.
I am working on something.
Jesus Christ, my BFF is fucking annoying this morning. Her boss seems about ready to strangle her.
I’ve found that when arguing with a conservative, the most useful rejoinder is “Fuck you.”
Rather than argue, I just stab myself in the face and tell them they are damn lucky I am an introvert.
Words fail me. I better start appending three fish to the end of my sentences.
Yes, but forty Republican Senators can and did stop it.
And two Democratic Senators. Blanche Lincoln and Mark Pryor. My hope is that Pryor only voted against to give Lincoln some cover so she wouldn’t be the ONLY Democrat voting against (Reid’s vote was for procedural reasons) but Pryor is a fundie so who knows.
Lincoln is still going to get an ass-peeling in November, no matter how many whorish wrong votes she makes to appease the haters. The other day Steve Benen said something about Arkansas’ “hard swing to the right”; that’s really not what’s going on here. The deal is that Blanche is so hated by Democrats that they’ve figured the nutjob running against her can be more easily dislodged 6 years from now than she can in a primary challenge. The “hard swing to the right” is nowhere in evidence in our governor’s race, where Democrat Mike Beebe currently leads his opponent by over 20 points. By contrast, Blanche is down almost 30 against the crazy man running as a Republican (he advocates abolishing Social Security and Medicare). Given that those programs are about the only thing that keeps most people in the state afloat, he’s not winning because of those positions, but because people want Blanche gone.
Her boss seems about ready to strangle her.
According to Catbert, you should find some way to encourage this.
people want Blanche gone.
Except the Clintons, apparently. That I found disturbing.
It was amazing to hear fundie wife actually putting an appliance malfunction into terms of divine intervention, and God working in their favor.
My fundie brother and his wife used to sit together in their car each morning before going into town and pray to God that He help them find a convenient parking space so they could do His work.
This was years ago, when they were in the new flush of their conversion, but it’s pretty much the way they still are.
My fundie brother and his wife used to sit together in their car each morning before going into town and pray to God that He help them find a convenient parking space so they could do His work.
Because God’s never too busy to drop His latest creations in order to FIND A FUCKING PARKING SPACE
actor212 – well, that’s the Democratic “Lieberman” Effect. Part of the reason Democrats are unable to govern effectively is their failure to impose discipline or consequences for fucking over the entire party. Both parties have an incumbency protection racket, but for the Democrats, it’s a sacrament.
Because God’s never too busy to drop His latest creations in order to FIND A FUCKING PARKING SPACE
Every day, around the world, millions of people ask God to for it to rain so they can feed their families, or for their children not to die of dysentery, or for their family members to be safe at their dangerous jobs that ALLOW ASSHOLES TO DRIVE AROUND LOOKING FOR PARKING SPACES TO DO GOD’S WORK.
Jennifer, I’m going to disagree, altho in spirit I agree with your sentiment.
See, the way the Republican party is driving moderates from their ranks, a policy of appeasing moderate positions, even somewhat conservative ones, makes sense for the DNC.
If you assume the dynamic is to extend a monopoly over the electorate, except for the Teabaggers.
That’s the assumption I’m making. Now, it sure looks and smells like an incumbency protection racket, but once that dynamic is more achieved, it’s possible (unlikely, but possible) that more liberal positions could grow out of it.
Every day, around the world, millions of people ask God to for it to rain so they can feed their families, or for their children not to die of dysentery, or for their family members to be safe at their dangerous jobs that ALLOW ASSHOLES TO DRIVE AROUND LOOKING FOR PARKING SPACES TO DO GOD’S WORK.
Cure malaria, or give that nice young Midwestern couple a parking space close to the office. Decisions, decisions. I’d better put off that malaria thing until I’ve worked this out.
Hey look! I really AM like Obama!
Fucking cars, how do they work?
Fucking cars, how do they work?
If they’re made in Germany, very well.
If they’re made in Germany, very well.
I wonder what it would mean if that minivan were a Vanagon…
I wonder what it would mean if that minivan were a Vanagon…
It wouldn’t be a scorpion but a T. Rex.
It wouldn’t be a scorpion but a T. Rex.
Marc Bolan lives under a van?!
It’s amazing that moderate Republicans feel they deserve appeasement.
Marc Bolan lives under a van?!
If the Vanagon has a hubcap diamond star halo.
The End is Nigh!!!
Now now, that is not a fair comparison.
Dining room tables:
1) are nice to sit around
2) can support themselves
3) are stable more often then not
A two-legged table made of poop and ground glass.
Of course this was just god’s way of helping them to get their wornout carpet and floors replaced wth an insurance claim. It was amazing to hear fundie wife actually putting an appliance malfunction into terms of divine intervention, and God working in their favor.
I can only quote my fundie sister: “WE SERVE A MIGHTY GOD.”
I’m hoping to push that up to the level of “I’m monkeyed up and ready to chase cats” but I dunno…
Looked up Anger on wkipedia, wasn’t sure he was still alive.
Someone brought him over to NZ a few years ago to speak at a festival of his films. He was wearing a fluffy cardigan and looked positively cuddly.
http://thatotherpaper.com/blog/todd_ross_nienkerk/dragons_sex_cars
note to T &U and actor212:
pls find something else to do and stop commenting on these threads. you are both so goddamn insufferable that we have to expend the energy to scroll right past you, and we’re frankly tired of it. pls just go away, ok? thanks and have a nice day.
ps oh and jennifer too kthnxbai