Shape ‘Em Up and Ship ‘Em Out


Above: His many free lunches are courtesy of the Wingnut Welfare Machine.

Shorter James Taranto
The Wall Street Journal
“Best of the Web: Obese? Have a ‘Free Lunch’!”

  • Seems to me, Senator Lugar, that starving poor obese kids by denying them school lunches is the perfect way to fatten our Empire’s shrinking reserves of cannon fodder.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™


 

Comments: 228

 
 
 

Always. Trust. The. Shorter.™

Is this a continuation of the meme that school lunches shouldn’t cost $1.66 but only 43 cents?

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

I don’t like it when Shorters are in close succession. My brain starts to hurt.

 
 

Hey! A post got ated! I mean an entire GayPaidRat post!

 
 

I took down my Shorter temporarily. It will go back up after the comments have run their course on HTML’s brilliant shorter.

 
 

Say what?

 
 

How many millions of bon mots went down with the ship, TinTin? How many thousands of S,Ners are swirling in a vortex just beyond the event horizon, unable to even realize they’ve been etted?

 
 

I am so torn about getting out of the boat, because this makes no sense whatsoever. And yet, I am reluctant to give the WSJ even a single hit.

 
 

@actor212: They’ll all be resurrected later today.

 
 

Sorry, Tintin, I’d didn’t see yours when I was doing mine. Didn’t mean to steal any thunder. 🙂

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Brain still hurts?

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

How many millions of bon mots went down with the ship, TinTin? How many thousands of S,Ners are swirling in a vortex just beyond the event horizon, unable to even realize they’ve been etted?

Um, there were only 7-8 comments. I think we’ll live.

 
Ted the Slacker
 

Shorter everything written by the WSJ editors about poverty for the last 30 years:

The problem for poor is we give them too much.

 
 

Um, there were only 7-8 comments. I think we’ll live.

Hush, you, I had him feeling guilty.

 
Rusty Shackleford
 

So how would the Supreme Court rule? In the sense that it is a speculative question, nobody really knows.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Wall Street Journal.

 
 

HA! You can’t fool me. There is no free lunch.

 
 

So how would the Supreme Court rule? In the sense that it is a speculative question, nobody really knows.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Wall Street Journal.

I’m not leaving the boat, but that was funny.

 
 

My post got ate, FYWP.

 
 

What a fucking tool. I would harrass him over there if WSJ actually let you post comments (they pretend that you can but you can’t).

Federally subsidized school lunches date back to the National School Lunch Act of 1946. Before then, when there was no such thing as a free lunch, men in the 30s and 40s were trim enough to enlist in the military.

Yes, and plenty of them were so “trim” that they weren’t able to enlist, thanks to starvation diets in the 10 years leading up to the war, you fucking douche. If you know when the Act was first passed, shouldn’t you know WHY it was put forward and passed – that is, because adequate nutrition was shown to be a fucking NATIONAL SECURITY ISSUE?

Then again, that would be honesty, and neither Taranto nor the WSJ is real big on that.

 
 

Wall Street Journal. No-one ever told them that Jonathan Swift wasn’t serious.

 
 

So how would the Supreme Court rule? In the sense that it is a speculative question, nobody really knows.

In other news, there’s weather outside, night will appear in a few hours, and the Wall Street Journal will continue its descent into Murdochian hell.

 
 

Speaking of national security issues, you think Louis and Marie Antoinette woke up to that fact right about the time they were kneeling for the blade?

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Hush, you, I had him feeling guilty.

The only person allowed to feel pointlessly guilty around here is me, dammit.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Speaking of national security issues, you think Louis and Marie Antoinette woke up to that fact right about the time they were kneeling for the blade?

I’d like to think.

 
 

Speaking of national security issues, you think Louis and Marie Antoinette woke up to that fact right about the time they were kneeling for the blade?

Le Rue du Mur Zhournal would undoubtedly have run an article “Gâteau Conduit à la Perte de Poids à la Décapitation”

(Cake Leads to Weight Loss Due To Decapitation)

 
 

The fact is that all the fags need to put on their dresses and start cooking lunch for poor, fat kids.

 
 

Now that’s a fine figure of a man, there.

 
 

Why is the American flag being used in such a shabby way?

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Why do you hate America?

 
 

Why do you hate America?

Today?

Because America allows such a slovenly person as James Taranto to show his fat ugly beer belly to the world in front of a shabbily treated American flag.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

I just want to know what the fuck is up with that candelabra. Also, too, portly conservatives’ obsessions with cigars. Not that there’s anything wrong with cigars, but I think George Carlin might have been on to something…

 
 

Because America allows such a slovenly person as James Taranto to show his fat ugly beer belly to the world in front of a shabbily treated American flag.

I’m sure he’s just relaxing before he heads off to fulfill his weekend Guard duty. Right?

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Unless that’s a rotting baby carrot and/or someone’s finger. I suppose that’s a possibility.

 
 

Why is the American flag being used in such a shabby way?

That screamed at me the instant I saw it. Me, an anti-social socialist who puts the pink in pinko. That is *extremely* disrespectful.

That ol’ boy needs a copy of United States flag etiquette, a copy folded for maximum pointy-edgedness and inserted vigorously up his rectum.

 
 

Aw, damn….Breitbart threw Dr Pezzi into the memory hole…

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Can I make fun of his shoes, too? Because they look like nurses’ shoes.

 
 

but I think George Carlin might have been on to something…

These days especially, after the last Presidential election.

Big.Brown.Dick.

 
 

Can I make fun of his shoes, too? Because they look like nurses’ shoes.

Look, if it wasn’t for liberals giving him free lunch in school, he wouldn’t be fat. And instead of having to wear Nike Monarchs with extra arch support he’d be out smokin’ tons of freedom-hating Mooslims in Fallujah or something.

 
 

What else is on his table there? It looks like some kind of remote, but what’s the other device?

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

but what’s the other device?

A detonator.

 
 

Federally subsidized school lunches date back to the National School Lunch Act of 1946. Before then, when there was no such thing as a free lunch, men in the 30s and 40s were trim enough to enlist in the military.

“I don’t know any history!” Because it’s not like THE ORIGINAL TEXT of the act mentions why they’re doing it.

Also, if it’s been going on since ’46, but obesity has only recently become a problem, isn’t one forced to admit the program itself is not to blame? Otherwise, wouldn’t obesity have become a problem decades ago, including with soldiers in Korea and Vietnam?

 
 

Why is the American flag being used in such a shabby way?

That screamed at me the instant I saw it. Me, an anti-social socialist who puts the pink in pinko. That is *extremely* disrespectful.

That ol’ boy needs a copy of United States flag etiquette, a copy folded for maximum pointy-edgedness and inserted vigorously up his rectum.

No kidding. BUNTING, MOTHERFUCKERS: BUY SOME.

 
 

Brain still hurts?

Go vote. It relieves tension.

 
 

@Ted the Slacker

The problem for poor is we give them too much.

Excellent shorter. Here’s another:

The poor are so lucky they don’t have to pay high taxes or deal with the stressful burden of managing obscene wealth.

These people are caricatures. Only they’re less charming than the Dickens-ian “Ebenezer Scrooge” type. Is there a cartoon character out there that’s a corpulent version of the self-absorbed, parsimonious rich?

 
 

Is there a cartoon character out there that’s a corpulent version of the self-absorbed, parsimonious rich?

Wasn’t there a Simpson’s episode where Mr. Burns turned into a giant snake and ate Smithers?

 
 

Remove, mentally, the extraneous apostrophe.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Go vote. It relieves tension.

I hate you.

 
 

but what’s the other device?

Portable EKG/Heart monitor

 
 

I thought Smithers was the snake that ate Burns.

 
 

Shorter Scott Johnson:

How can one say, “I don’t like Al Franken,” in a tedious and supercilious manner? Let me count the ways . . .

 
 

Might be. It all starts to run together after a while, like Rutgar Hauer’s tears in the rain.

 
 

Wasn’t there a Simpson’s episode where Mr. Burns turned into a giant snake and ate Smithers?

It was one of the Halloween episodes, but I think it was Smithers who ate Burns. I could be wr–, wr–, incorrect on that point.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

By the power of Google!

Scroll down to “reptiles.”

 
 

but what’s the other device?

Credit card reader/duplicator.

 
 

Is there a cartoon character out there that’s a corpulent version of the self-absorbed, parsimonious rich?

Scrooge McDuck is a fat-bottomed little canard.

By the way, on a side note, is it a sly DC Comics joke that Green Arrow’s alter ego is “Oliver Queen”?

 
 

By the way, on a side note, is it a sly DC Comics joke that Green Arrow’s alter ego is “Oliver Queen”?

Hasn’t he been screwing Black Canary for the last forty years?

 
 

Along with Jonathan Swift, I would like to make a modest proposal….

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Yeah, he has a bunch of kids and stuff. The book’s been around for, like, 70 years, so I doubt it.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Along with Jonathan Swift, I would like to make a modest proposal….

Feed fat conservatives to the poor kids?

 
Lurking Canadian
 

Yes, and plenty of them were so “trim” that they weren’t able to enlist, thanks to starvation diets in the 10 years leading up to the war, you fucking douche. If you know when the Act was first passed, shouldn’t you know WHY it was put forward and passed – that is, because adequate nutrition was shown to be a fucking NATIONAL SECURITY ISSUE?

As he could have learned the same way I did, simply by lurking here at Sadly, No when we discussed this issue about two days ago. But that would have been “Research”, which is anathema.’

The problem for poor is we give them too much.

John Ralston Saul, in The Unconscious Civilization I think, had a great metaphor. I’m paraphrasing most of this from memory, but I think it’s close:

There is a sense that since 1973 the Western World has been in a crisis. Since then, government programs like welfare, unemployment insurance and so on have served as a kind of life preserver, keeping us alive as we float further and further out to sea.

And now, all reputable economists are telling us that the only way to solve our problems is to throw away the life preserver

 
 

Feed fat conservatives to the poor kids?

Exactly!

 
 

men in the 30s and 40s were trim enough to enlist in the military.

Actually a lot of them showed up undernourished, which is why the food stamp program was started.

 
 

Hasn’t he been screwing Black Canary for the last forty years?

And Rex Reed had like five kids.

 
 

Feed fat conservatives to the poor kids?

Trying to poison them, are we?

 
Lurking Canadian
 

Oh, and what is it with all these wingnut sites and their illegal scripts? Every time I get out of the boat, Firefox crashes because of some flaw in the linked site. What are they trying to do to me?

 
 

Hasn’t he been screwing Black Canary for the last forty years?

And Rex Reed had like five kids.

Don’t make me think about Rex Reed while I’m focused on Canary’s fishnets.

 
Spengler Dampniche
 

Incidentally, I’m giving out free blowjobs behind the IHOP on Sunset all day, if anybody’s interested. In honor of Judge Walker.

 
Disgruntled Lurker
 

It was one of the Halloween episodes, but I think it was Smithers who ate Burns. I could be wr–, wr–, incorrect on that point.

Treehouse of Horror XII. Smithers eats Burns.

 
 

“Feed fat conservatives to the poor kids?”

They aren’t that nutritious. I suppose we could render down the fat to make soap though.

 
 

I’ve learned one thing today:

If you’re going to fuck up on trivia, do NOT fuck up on Simpsons trivia.

 
 

“Oh, and what is it with all these wingnut sites and their illegal scripts? Every time I get out of the boat, Firefox crashes because of some flaw in the linked site. What are they trying to do to me?”

Get the Mozilla addons NoScript and adBlock Plus and mark their sites as untrusted.

 
 

Feed fat conservatives to the poor kids?

We’re trying to improve the program to reduce obesity and improve nutrition, massive quantities of wingnut lardo is NOT going to help.

 
Rusty Shackleford
 

There is a sense that since 1973 the Western World has been in a crisis.

1973? That’s pretty specific.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Okay, you’re right. What if we replaced all the immigrants working in the fields with fat wingnuts and served the food they harvested to poor schoolchildren for free?

 
Why are they still here?
 

Almost a full decade and no second coming. Where the fuck is Christ? The rituals have been carried out. Religious strife throughout the world? Check! Poverty and greed exacerbating every natural disaster? Check! That whole ‘Jews in the Middle-east’ thing? Check!

So where the fuck is Christ?

Mary Beth Patterson, Roarke, GA. 1992, “Christ came to me in a dream last night and declared that when enough true believers demonstrated their faith by reversing their shoes he would sound the Trumpet and begin the war.”

Hear that Christian Warriors?
You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet.

 
 

When I see an article titled “Scalia was right”, I get Glenn Beck blindness. Geez, the WSJ editorials suck.

But they’re not as big a group of assholes as the Investors Business Daily editorial board.

 
Lurking Canadian
 

First oil shock and the end of Breton Woods (I think those were both 1973). Ralston Saul thinks we’ve been basically screwed since then. Krugman sort of agrees with him; I think 1973 is the dividing line between what Krugman identies as the high-growth postwar period and the low-growth everything else period.

Essentially the model is a Western economy growing like gangbusters until 1973, then stagflation and malaise, then thirty years of eating the seed corn (with a brief dreamlike period when people figured out how to make computers pay) and here we are in the wonderful world of today!

 
 

Okay, you’re right. What if we replaced all the immigrants working in the fields with fat wingnuts and served the food they harvested to poor schoolchildren for free?

That solution, while commendable, is based on the flawed assumption that these wingnuts are actually capable of working (as opposed to sitting at their computers wanking).

 
 

1973? That’s pretty specific.

I think he wrote that in 1998, and mentioned 35 years ago. But my recollection is he actually goes back deeper into looking at how western civilization began to deteriorate in this manner.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

That solution, while commendable, is based on the flawed assumption that these wingnuts are actually capable of working (as opposed to sitting at their computers wanking).

What if we put a couple of bags of Cheetos and a copy of Atlas Shrugged at the end of every row?

 
 

What if we put a couple of bags of Cheetos and a copy of Atlas Shrugged at the end of every row?

They would just find some way to cheat and get the goodies without actually working. You know, like wingnut welfare.

 
 

Eat. The. Rich.

 
 

That solution, while commendable, is based on the flawed assumption that these wingnuts are actually capable of working

Scarecrows, mate.

 
Spengler Dampniche
 

I just ordered Saul’s book on the strength of that one paraphrased quote.

 
Rusty Shackleford
 

First oil shock and the end of Breton Woods (I think those were both 1973).

I’m flattered that you think an American like myself, despite having lived through 1973, will know what the fuck you’re talking about. Thank goodness for Wikipedia!

 
 

Eat. The. Rich.

While I agree with the sentiment, as others have pointed out, the rich have become increasingly toxic and are no longer fit to eat. We need to send them to a hazardous waste disposal site.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

We could use them as fertilizer after an acceptable sanitizing and toxin screening process.

 
 

Federally subsidized school lunches date back to the National School Lunch Act of 1946. Before then, when there was no such thing as a free lunch, men in the 30s and 40s were trim enough to enlist in the military.

Average Southern millworkers in the 1920s were so poor that they did not take in enough calories to replace the calories expended the previous day, so their bodies basically began to consume themselves.

This was one of the major causes of pellagra, the ‘lazy Southerner’ illness caused by a lack of basic nutrients.

Workers (usually the entire family worked in the same mill, children included) made it worse for themselves by having to sacrifice even more to feed the children more properly.

This is, of course, the way it should be today, our working classes having their bodies eaten away, except without all those jobs sucking away money from more deserving Wall Street investors and gamblers who are the geese who keep laying golden eggs that we can’t find.

 
 

We need to send them to a hazardous waste disposal site

I rise and propose the creation of a Confederacy of states, and to be fair to our new neighbors, perhaps we could create this Confederacy somewhere south of the Mason-Dixon line. This entity would be separate from the United States of America and self-governing. We would, in effect, indulge in the great liberal tradition of nation-building.

 
 

@actor212: They’ll all be resurrected later today.

Sadly, Zombies!!

 
 

Okay, you’re right. What if we replaced all the immigrants working in the fields with fat wingnuts and served the food they harvested to poor schoolchildren for free?

we’ll need to teach them to sing The Internationale first so they can fee properly at home.

 
 

This was one of the major causes of pellagra, the ‘lazy Southerner’ illness caused by a lack of basic nutrients.

Actually pellagra is a consequence of their corn based diet (which is deficient in niacin), given that about all they had to eat was cornbread and beans. If they had been eating wheat instead of corn, they would not have had that problem, though malnutrition would still have been a major problem.

 
 

“Average Southern millworkers in the 1920s were so poor that they did not take in enough calories to replace the calories expended the previous day, so their bodies basically began to consume themselves.”

Today it is the exact opposite. Today they are fed cheap calories in the form of high fructose corn syrup and other shitty consumer “food” products but their bodies are just as starved for real nutrition as ever.

 
 

Today they are fed cheap calories in the form of high fructose corn syrup and other shitty consumer “food” products but their bodies are just as starved for real nutrition as ever.

Plus, there are less physical labor jobs and even those rely a lot more on machinery and computers to maximize productivity at the expense of elbow grease and manpower.

 
 

Plus, there are less physical labor jobs

Let me beat the pedants to the punch:

“fewer physical labor jobs”

 
 

Eat. The. Rich.

Their brains, although fatty, are surprisingly tender and un-exercised. Like stall-bred veal.

And usually suffused with alcohol and/or recreational drugs!!

 
 

And usually suffused with alcohol and/or recreational drugs!!

Hey!

 
 

What? He just called you rich!

 
 

Clearly western society has been in decline since 1973 because in that year, I was born.

 
 

And usually suffused with alcohol and/or recreational drugs!!

And the good stuff at that. None of the cheap bargain basement variety folks like us are used to.

 
 

Clearly western society has been in decline since 1973 because in that year, I was born.

As was my son. I will let the two of you duke it out for the title “Destroyer of Worlds.”

 
 

As was my son. I will let the two of you duke it out for the title “Destroyer of Worlds.”
Worlds are pretty big, I could probably use the help, and we can share the title.

 
 

Why does he have an American flag disrespectully slung over his balcony railing?

For SHAME, Mr. Taranto. For shame, sir!

 
 

Worlds are pretty big, I could probably use the help, and we can share the title.

Communists.

 
 

Wake up sheeple!!

It’s right there on the wiki:

January 1 – CBS sells the New York Yankees for $10 million to a 12-person syndicate led by George Steinbrenner.

Thus began the end of history.

 
 

Why can’t the WSJ run their news articles free and put their op-ed shit behind a paywall?

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Why can’t the WSJ run their news articles free and put their op-ed shit behind a paywall?

Because who the fuck would pay to read their op-eds?

 
 

What if we put a couple of bags of Cheetos and a copy of Atlas Shrugged at the end of every row?

If I ever lose the last of my dignity, I will make a fortune selling copies of Atlas Shrugged with pocket pussies in them that moan “do me hard, you magnificent capitalist!” outside of the Republican National Convention.

 
 

Because who the fuck would pay to read their op-eds?

People who think Coulter, Atlas, and Malkin are fap material.

 
 

Actually pellagra is a consequence of their corn based diet (which is deficient in niacin), given that about all they had to eat was cornbread and beans. If they had been eating wheat instead of corn, they would not have had that problem, though malnutrition would still have been a major problem.

True, they lacked a basic nutrient, as I stated — niacin.

But since wheat was not a crop commonly grown in most of the South, and corn was, such a basic crop might be the only one available for the poorest to eat. Cornbread, etc.

 
 

Speaking of 1973, I did not know this.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Libyan_Arab_Airlines_Flight_114

January 1 – CBS sells the New York Yankees for $10 million to a 12-person syndicate led by George Steinbrenner.

also first designated hitter
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Designated_hitter

 
 

As wingnuts go, Taranto seems like a real wuss. After all, the action needed for winding down a major program like this is also de facto “big government” & might even cost as much as just leaving the school lunch subsidy in place, once you factor in lost jobs & what declining grades would do to America’s attempt to stay globally competitive in the 21st Century.

Any REAL wingnut would know that there’s a simple & obvious solution to this American obesity problem that involves zero government interference – & even gives some major glory-points to none other than Jesus “All Good Cannibals Go To Heaven” Christ, Esquire, Himself:

The Children’s Crusade, Part 2: Pontius Pilates Boogaloo!

FOX can sponsor it, & Anne Coulter can be the MC.

“The New Jerusalem? Why, look at that – turns out it’s Tierra Del Fuego … & remember, kids, you get double bonus-points if you moonwalk all the way there! Ready? Set? GO!”

 
The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge
 

I always understood that not only is corn deficient in niacin, but actually contains an enzyme that prevents your body from absorbing niacin from other foods as well.

Of course that was back in the Dark Ages when we used to slice up trees and write shit on them. I’ll try to look it up on the innerwebs when I get a minute….

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

People who think Coulter, Atlas, and Malkin are fap material.

Well, Atlas is pretty buff…

 
The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge
 

No… Apparently the niacin in corn is in a bound form, that the body can’t use, and corn is deficient in tryptophan, preventing us from making our own.

Interestingly, the bound niacin can be released by soaking in lime, like they do in Mexico to make tortillas.

But isn’t hominy also soaked in lime, and wasn’t that the staple in the South? I’m confused!

[Les Nessman] And when I’m confused, I watch television! It makes everything seem so…simple, somehow [/Les Nessman]

 
The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge
 

TruculentandUnreliable said,
August 6, 2010 at 18:52

People who think Coulter, Atlas, and Malkin are fap material.

Well, Atlas is pretty buff…

Malkin would be quite attractive if she weren’t such a vicious little shrew…I know someone who looks an awful lot like her, but her habitual expression is a sunny smile. Makes all the difference in the world.

 
 

Scarecrows, mate.

Hanging around all day with a pole crammed up their ass is the fReichtards’ idea of heaven.

 
 

Is this ignorant buffoon really suggesting that the answer to the problem of obesity in kids is to STOP GIVING THEM FOOD IN SCHOOL??

OTOH, I could see where taking the coke and pepsi dispensers out of the hallways might have a benefial effect. Or how about ending the subsidies of Big Ag that make it profitable to pump high fructose corn syrup into all the food-like products that fill our grocery stores and convenience stores.

I wish I were a conservative. Would make life so much easier if I could just make up shit and not have to worry about, you know, facts.

See, shit is singular, and facts usually come in groups and mobs and have to be sorted out by, you know, actually thinking. Way too much trouble.

 
 

also first designated hitter

There ya go, that’s the end of western civilization.

 
 

Hanging around all day with a pole crammed up their ass is the fReichtards’ idea of heaven.

In a field of federally subsidized corn, no less.

 
 

But isn’t hominy also soaked in lime, and wasn’t that the staple in the South? I’m confused!

Lye.

 
The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge
 

El Cid said,
August 6, 2010 at 19:36

But isn’t hominy also soaked in lime, and wasn’t that the staple in the South? I’m confused!

Lye.

Ah…lutecorn! That explains evryt’ing! Ya sure, ya betcha!

 
 

But isn’t hominy also soaked in lime, and wasn’t that the staple in the South? I’m confused!

Lye.

He’s right. You put the lime in the coconut.

 
 

And you drink them bot’ up.

 
 

Actor 212: The end of Western civilization is people whose idea of a good time is watching pitchers try to hit.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

I swear to God, if hated co-worker goes on again about how she wants to get married in the next year and have kids before she’s 28 so she won’t be an “old mom,” I am going to jump over this desk and smack her.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Actually, I’ll just sit here with my shriveled-up, nearly-thirty-year-old ovaries and glare at her.

 
 

I not only got off the boat, but tossed aside my faithful Baedeker, tore my train table to tatters, and plunged, Michael Rockefeller ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Rockefeller ) style into the very heart of darkness. Two observations:

1) In the original op-ed piece Lugar wrote, he does indeed call obesity a “national security issue” because too many poor kids are too fat to enroll in the military and spread our understanding of Christian love throughout the world.

2) Entertainingly, the WSJ piece manages to completely subvert the point of Lugar’s “dull but worthy” op-ed. It’s one thing to distort views of the other side to try to win an argument, but it requires a truly flamboyant sense of intellectual dishonesty to distort views proffered by prominent elders of one’s own tribe.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Also, where the fuck have I been? Why hasn’t anyone told me about these???

 
 

The end of Western civilization is people whose idea of a good time is watching pitchers try to hit.

Doesn’t fit the time frame, number one, and number two, Roger Clemens would have been at best an average pitcher if the opposition could get him back directly.

 
 

I swear to God, if hated co-worker goes on again about how she wants to get married in the next year and have kids before she’s 28 so she won’t be an “old mom,” I am going to jump over this desk and smack her.

Tell her the Blessed Virgin Mary was 14, so she’s already an old maid.

 
Lurking Canadian
 

T&U, what you should do is pat her head (with the hand that wears your wedding ring) and say with your best patronizing smile, “Oh, dear. Well, I’m sure the right guy is out there somewhere, but it’s SO HARD to find somebody at your age.”

 
 

“Oh, dear. Well, I’m sure the right guy is out there somewhere, but it’s SO HARD to find somebody at your age.”

That’s going to leave a mark.

 
Lurking Canadian
 

Also, where the fuck have I been? Why hasn’t anyone told me about these???

Nuh, uh. I bought The Matrix and Philosophy book, I bought the Buffy and Philosophy book, I bought the Battlestar Galactica and Philosophy book AND I bought Superman on the Couch. All of them sucked, and made me see red that somebody gets to pad their CV with that tripe.

You know the old saying. Fool me four times, shame on you. Fool me five times, shame on me.

 
 

Just tell her she’s too choosy and the time to start lowering her standards is right now.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Just tell her she’s too choosy and the time to start lowering her standards is right now.

OMG, seriously. She keeps trying to pick up medical students (totes unprofessional, BTW) and friends them randomly on Facebook. I’m like, no, honey, you need to aim a lot dumber and/or a lot uglier.

 
 

Just tell her she’s too choosy and the time to start lowering her standards is right now.

Yea, that biological clock isn’t just ticking, it’s chiming

 
 

I’m like, no, honey, you need to aim a lot dumber and/or a lot uglier.

Or younger. Med students are too focused on studying. She needs a good undergrad fraternity member (pun intended).

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

She asked me once when I was going to have kids, and I told her that I was barren. Hee hee. Actually, I may be? I have no idea.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

She needs a good undergrad fraternity member (pun intended).

Yeah, actually, I think it’s a good idea that she go younger, because she has the maturity of a 15-year-old.

She’s not even that cute, so she can’t even use that. (I am a horrible person, I know).

 
Smiling Mortician
 

Incidentally, I’m giving out free blowjobs behind the IHOP on Sunset all day, if anybody’s interested. In honor of Judge Walker.

That’s so sweet, Spengler.

Can’t believe you all just let that sit there for the past 4-ish hours or whatever it’s been in the SadlyNosian space-time continuum.

 
 

She’s not even that cute, so she can’t even use that.

I realize this might not be a question you can answer, but you might be able to ask around.

How “o’clock” ugly is she?

 
 

Can’t believe you all just let that sit there for the past 4-ish hours or whatever it’s been in the SadlyNosian space-time continuum.
We were all too busy heading over to the alley behind IHOP to comment.

 
 

So, how’s everybody feeling about the forced gay marriage and sodomy lessons? We doin’ ok?

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

How “o’clock” ugly is she?

If you don’t mind bony chicks, she’s probably a 12:00? So, not terrible? I don’t know. If you factored in her voice, probably later, unless you were deaf.

I just emailed Front Desk Marine to see what he thinks.

She’s somewhat cute, especially now that she cut off most of her frizzy-ass, badly-dyed hair, but she can’t dress herself and OMG SO FUCKING ANNOYING.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

So, how’s everybody feeling about the forced gay marriage and sodomy lessons? We doin’ ok?

Never had more fun in my life!

 
 

Can’t believe you all just let that sit there for the past 4-ish hours or whatever it’s been in the SadlyNosian space-time continuum.

The sexism inherent in the statement was oppressing* me.

*watch it, you.

 
 

Aw, don’t be hating on bony chicks.

 
 

If you don’t mind bony chicks, she’s probably a 12:00?

That’s plenty of time to get back to do more drinking. She should do fine at a college party.

 
Lurking Canadian
 

So, how’s everybody feeling about the forced gay marriage and sodomy lessons? We doin’ ok?

Well, my wife was kind of sad when I told her we couldn’t visit the US anymore because they’d force me to divorce her and marry her brother, but then I realized it was only California we couldn’t visit so we feel better now.

 
 

So, how’s everybody feeling about the forced gay marriage and sodomy lessons? We doin’ ok?

I still haven’t figured out why there’s no grass in sodomy. I keep waiting for the landscaper.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

FDM sez: “On a good day, her looks are a 7/10 but her personality and intelligence are 3/10….” So whatever that means.

 
 

In addition to using his flag as bunting, he’s got it positioned backwards.

Just sayin’

 
 

OK, so happiness, disappointment and confusion. It was to be expected.

 
 

You know what’s short? Taranto’s shorts! *rimshot*

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Aw, don’t be hating on bony chicks.

Awww, I’m sorry. Nothing wrong with being bony! In fact, I get mad at her for dressing so badly because there is so much stuff that she could wear that I could never pull off! Although she does wear skirts short enough some days that I would be accused of being a streetwalker if I wore them.

 
 

So, how’s everybody feeling about the forced gay marriage and sodomy lessons?

Until the nuptials can be done in an airport bathroom, I’m not satisfied.

 
 

FDM sez: “On a good day, her looks are a 7/10 but her personality and intelligence are 3/10….” So whatever that means.

Hm, OK, midnight sounds about right then. Lookswise, she might make it to eleven, but it would probably take the average guy an hour to get drunk enough to ignore her mouth.

 
 

Although she does wear skirts short enough some days that I would be accused of being a streetwalker if I wore them

*sipping herbal tea quietly*

 
 

Actor 212: The end of Western civilization is people whose idea of a good time is watching pitchers try to hit.

Stolen in 3….2….

 
 

In addition to using his flag as bunting, he’s got it positioned backwards.

Based on the majority of the draping facing away from him, no it’s fine. It’s meant to be seen from the other side.

 
 

So…reducing childrens’ access to nourishing food will reduce obesity and other effects of malnutrition.

Makes as much sense as saying that cutting rich people’s taxes will reduce budget deficits.

 
 

You know, Fat Jim here was born in ’66, so he would have been of a perfect age to serve his country in Gulf War Part I, but according to his bio, he was too busy not graduating from CSU-Northridge. My kingdom for a warhawk who’s actually been to war.

 
 

My kingdom for a warhawk who’s actually been to war.

They don’t go to war because they are too important at home concocting and spreading falsehoods that keep that war going. It’s a dirty job but nobody should be doing it.

 
 

So…reducing childrens’ access to nourishing food will reduce obesity and other effects of malnutrition.

Makes as much sense as saying that cutting rich people’s taxes will reduce budget deficits.

Hey, you’re right, it’s Reaganite voodoo nutrition! Let them eat ketchup!

 
 

Re “hating on bony chicks”:

I don’t hate Ann Coulter because she’s a bony chick. I hate her because she’s a Bonapartist chick.

 
 

I don’t hate Ann Coulter because she’s a bony chick. I hate her because she’s a Bonapartist chick.

Who happens not to be a chick and has a bone.

 
 

You know, Fat Jim here was born in ’66

Jesus, another wingnut who looks about a decade older than he is.

 
 

I am going to jump over this desk and smack her.

she does wear skirts short enough some days

This is becoming quite interesting.

I’m imagining a website, not too much flash, plenty of free content, maybe a newsletter mailed directly to my inbox.

 
 

I’m imagining a website, not too much flash, plenty of free content, maybe a newsletter mailed directly to my inbox.

Actually, there is!

 
 

I’m going to assume that contextually, I should not need to warn NSFW.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

I probably have about fifty pounds on her (SHE’S REALLY SKINNY AND I’M REALLY TALL, OKAY? Plus, you know, these boobs…), so I don’t think it would be much of a fight.

 
 

SHE’S REALLY SKINNY AND I’M REALLY TALL, OKAY? Plus, you know, these boobs

Oh? Was there any other possible explanation?

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Oh? Was there any other possible explanation?

You know, just God forbid people on the internet think I’m fat or have a skeleton made of metal or something.

 
Why are they still here?
 

Almost a full decade and no second coming. Where the fuck is Christ? The rituals have been carried out. Religious strife throughout the world? Check! Poverty and greed exacerbating every natural disaster? Check! That whole ‘Jews in the Middle-east’ thing? Check!

So where the fuck is Christ?

Edward Franklin Pierce, London, 1989. “Christ appeared to me by animating my crucifix and told me that 100,000 Castrati must be gathered to sing the Lord’s praises as he(Christ) leads God’s army into battle. Only when the Holy Choir is formed will Christ sound the Trumpet and begin the war.”

Hear that Christian Warriors?
What’s the hold up?

 
 

You know, just God forbid people on the internet think I’m fat or have a skeleton made of metal or something.

Oh yes! Someone might not know you’re a lovely young lady. I see your point.

 
 

You know, just God forbid people on the internet think I’m fat or have a skeleton made of metal or something.

So you’re saying you’re NOT the Bride of Wolverine? God, I’m disappointed.

 
 

Almost a full decade and no second coming. Where the fuck is Christ?

Dude, there was a reason we ignored your ass the first forty times you posted this, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmK?

 
 

Plus, you know, these boobs…

Since I do not, in fact, know those boobs, that comment is useless without a link to pictures.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Oh yes! Someone might not know you’re a lovely young lady. I see your point.

I know. It would be the absolute worst, right?

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Since I do not, in fact, know those boobs, that comment is useless without a link to pictures.

You’re going to have to use your imagination.

 
 

: lacking originality, freshness, or novelty : trite
synonyms see insipid

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

So you’re saying you’re NOT the Bride of Wolverine? God, I’m disappointed.

No. But it would be cooler if I was.

 
 

Since I do not, in fact, know those boobs, that comment is useless without a link to pictures.

Here ya go

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

“still haven’t figured out why there’s no grass in sodomy”

dude, looks like it’s remedial sodomy lessons for you.

 
 

dude, looks like it’s remedial sodomy lessons for you.

I’ve already munched so much sod…

 
 

WELL. I may not have large breasts, but I do have a skeleton made of adamantium. Top that, S,N ladeez!

 
 

I do have a skeleton made of adamantium

Good thing you’re not a dude. You’d never get laid after the first dozen got sliced apart,

 
 

dude, looks like it’s remedial sodomy lessons for you.

That’s Sodomy 101 with Professor Dongenheimer. He’s super-nice.

 
 

I swear to God, if hated co-worker goes on again about how she wants to get married in the next year and have kids before she’s 28 so she won’t be an “old mom,” I am going to jump over this desk and smack her.

Tell her you know a nice single guy in NYC. And he’s an ACTOR so he’s totally straight and stable.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Tell her you know a nice single guy in NYC. And he’s an ACTOR so he’s totally straight and stable.

I could never be that cruel.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

To whom?

Excellent question. I was trying to decide, actually…

 
 

Good thing you’re not a dude. You’d never get laid after the first dozen got sliced apart

actor212 needs to go to how-human-penises-work school with Scott Baculum.

 
 

actor goes to The Dr. Pezzi School of Sexual Arts.

 
 

“The bone aids in sexual intercourse.”

I’ll say!

 
 

“The bone aids in sexual intercourse.”

WTF? Bone aids in an “e” unless you spell funny.

 
 

Roger Clemens would have been at best an average pitcher if the opposition could get him back directly.

I dunno. Nolan Ryan threw at guys’ heads in both leagues and made a great career out of it. Clemens is every bit as ornery as Ryan. He probably would have been great no matter which league he pitched in.

You do make a good larger point, though, about pitchers being accountable. That’s the only thing the DH has going against it, IMOH.

 
 

IMHO. Dammit.

 
 

Douchebag tries to expose Soros conspiracy, creates lol’s.

http://www.oliverwillis.com/2010/08/06/so-a-wingnut-with-a-camera-hung-out-outside-our-offices/

 
 

actor212 needs to go to how-human-penises-work school with Scott Baculum.

And AG needs remedial comedy lessons.

 
 

I could never be that cruel.

To whom?

I can barely hear anymore anyway. That wing of the brain was fried hanging out at My Father’s Place in Massapequa, listening to Kivetsky all those years.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Douchebag tries to expose Soros conspiracy, creates lol’s.

Can’t hear the video, but I do have a very pressing question: why are all young conservatives’ heads so fucking gigantic? They’re like an orange on a toothpick!

 
 

why are all young conservatives’ heads so fucking gigantic?

Cuz of all the cocksucking they’ve had to do.

You know, to get a head.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

I can barely hear anymore anyway. That wing of the brain was fried hanging out at My Father’s Place in Massapequa, listening to Kivetsky all those years.

I think her voice is at a special frequency, so I don’t know. Also, she says “um” every other word. I swear, she’s like a young, Midwestern Sarah Palin sometimes. Only less canny. And probably stupider.

 
 

“The bone aids in sexual intercourse.”

I expect to hear from some walrus any minute now….

 
 

Can’t hear the video, but I do have a very pressing question: why are all young conservatives’ heads so fucking gigantic?

It’s sometimes hard for full-sized people like you and me (and, I hear, Actor) to remember, but the world is full of little miniature people. Some of them emphasize random body parts to seem bigger, sort of like a bull frog’s neck. Snooki and James O’Keefe are both examples of this phenomenon.

 
 

It’s sometimes hard for full-sized people like you and me (and, I hear, Actor)

HEY! I wear a size 14! I’m no plus size!

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

but the world is full of little miniature people

I dunno, that guy didn’t look very miniature…

 
 

I dunno, that guy didn’t look very miniature…
I’m at work, so I couldn’t watch the video, but the size of his head suggests that he normally needs a team of 6-10 people holding guy lines to keep that melon on course down the parade route.

 
 

I dunno, that guy didn’t look very miniature…

You must have missed the part of the video where he dropped trou.

 
 

I’m at work, so I couldn’t watch the video, but the size of his head suggests that he normally needs a team of 6-10 people holding guy lines to keep that melon on course down the parade route.

Holy fuck! That kid looks like what you might get if Jonah Goldberg fucked a pumpkin.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Y’all make me laugh.

 
 

Holy fuck! That kid looks like what you might get if Jonah Goldberg fucked a pumpkin.

No, no, no. Jonah Goldberg is the PRODUCT of a pumpkin-fucking. It’s the only thing that explain his fat fucking head.

 
 

there are less physical labor jobs
The unfettered free market is not kind to surplus populations.

 
 

I would so not have shaken that kid’s hand after he kept wiping his nose that way. 🙁 Also why do young Conservatives always have haircuts that say “My highest aspiration in life is to someday manage a Target?”

 
 

Holy fuck! That kid looks like what you might get if Jonah Goldberg fucked a pumpkin.

Nah, that kid could probably have at least pulled a few frat rat type girls, maybe even a lesser Kappa or Alpha Gam pledge, assuming he had decent pot. Jonah wasn’t even allowed to write papers for his frat brothers’ girlfriends any more once it became apparent he never did the reading in the first place.

Though the kid in the video either didn’t know that reputable stores will do tailoring for you for a nominal additional charge or was trying to hide incipient frumpiness by wearing an ill-fitting jacket.

 
 

What’s weird is the only guy I’ve ever known named Spencer also had an enormous head. Is there a minimum cranial circumference requirement?

 
 

“I swear to God, if hated co-worker goes on again about how she wants to get married in the next year and have kids before she’s 28 so she won’t be an “old mom,” I am going to jump over this desk and smack her.”

Since it’s a good bet she’ll get her wish–but will also be divorced in three years with kids to support–she’s not worth your energy. 😉

 
 

Anybody else in England getting smashed?

 
 

One of the reasons for the school lunch program is that the military found that many of the WWII draftees were UNDERNOURISHED. The program was initiated to protect the health of the youth of the nation.

The reason for the junk food in school lunches is that the program isn’t well funded, and the schools are always looking for more funds [and the junky extras bring in revenue]-which is thanks to the Republicans in the Congress.

IOW-

Another ignorant tool outdoes himself in stupidity and meanness-and gets paid by the WSJ for it.

 
Quaker in a Basement
 

Snerk! When do we get to the part where Dino locks him out of the house and he pounds on the door, yelling, “Wiiiiiilllmaaa!”

 
 

How is it the least bit acceptable to talk about taking food out of the mouths of poor children while the people who got richer destroying the global economy are just getting richer still? I didn’t expect our political climate to become yet more obscene after Bush exited the stage, but I’ll be damned. Next they need to declare poor children a delicacy. Fucking cannibals.

 
 

I believe that in the 21st century, all baseball players should be scrupulously drug tested for both performance-enhancing and recreational drugs. All but one player per team.

That player shall be the “Designated Under Influence” player, or the DUI. He shall be expected to be rip-roaring drunk or stoned off his ass when he comes to bat, or just be a muscle-bound gorilla who whales it over the fence. This really should bring some excitement to baseball. It could also serve as season three for Kenny Powers/”Eastbound and Down.”

And it would make a much more effective anti-drug message than all of the Nancy Reaganizing and DARE bumper stickers ever did, as kids see ball players they know and care about die in car crashes, kill in car crashes, slowly become enfeebled by kidney failure, etc etc.

 
 

That player shall be the “Designated Under Influence” player, or the DUI.

Bilo, you need to post more often.

 
 

I try, but I’m busy at work, and can barely keep up with just reading these threads!

Can’t let myself post until I’ve read it all, lest somebody have already made the quip I wanted to make, etc etc.

 
 

How is it the least bit acceptable to talk about taking food out of the mouths of poor children while the people who got richer destroying the global economy are just getting richer still? I didn’t expect our political climate to become yet more obscene after Bush exited the stage, but I’ll be damned. Next they need to declare poor children a delicacy. Fucking cannibals.

I think I agree with Tom Lehrer that satire is dead. If A Modest Proposal were published today, all bets the Wall Street Journal would publish it, completely bereft of irony, as a sensible policy paper.

 
 

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