I See A Rude Person

Advice Goddess Amy Alkon:

On another boneheaded note, my hotel removed all refrigerators and minibars from the rooms. I had to pay $10 to have a small refrigerator brought up so I could keep four days of salami (which I always carry with me, in case somebody’s serving pasta or something I don’t eat).

Does ‘salami’ have a hidden meaning? Who knows. Some of La Alkon’s commenters suggest she tell the hotel staff she needs to refrigerate prescription medication, to which she replies:

And regarding saying I need the fridge for medication, I committed to being an ethical person a while back, so I don’t get to do that sort of thing.

Oh, I don’t know. There must be a shrink out there who will verify with a note that bringing your own meats to a dinner party in case your host’s food repulses you is some sort of condition.

Above: Dining with foreign dignitaries à la Alkon.

Meanwhile, commenter ManR reveals that in his world, the beds magically grow 12 inches when you lay on them the wrong way!

I love hotels esp. when the humongous bed is 12 inches shorter at the head than the feet and no one can deal with it. Rested the other way, which made watching tv rather interesting.

He ought to have checked the guest register. The problem might have been all the rotting salami Alkon stuffed into the headboard the night before.

 

Comments: 258

 
 
 

The mangoes stink of salami.

 
 

Obviously ManR should stop staying at Procrustean Inns and Suites.

As for Alkon, I have to wonder just what dinner parties she gets invited to. I mean, FOUR FUCKING DAYS!?!?!?!, worth of salami?

I’ll bet the bulk of her dinner conversations end with her saying something like, “What? Why are you looking at me like that? Wait! Come back!”

 
 

Everyone (but Alkonholic) knows that salami is measured in inches, not days.

 
 

I guess there are no stores, delis ir restaurants near Alkon’s hotel, or more likely, there are infested with people who might be rude to a salami-breathing pasta-hating redhead.
“I always carry four days worth of salami when I stay in a hotel” And this woman’s vocation is giving advice to others…

 
 

How many days’ worth of salami should I keep at home? I assume four for traveling is a bit lighter than one would need around the house.

 
 

How many days’ worth of salami should I keep at home?

It depends on how often you cook food you don’t eat.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

At first, I thought “Maybe she has celiac. I pack food when I go strange places, too.” But then I realized that I just pack trail mix and fruit like a normal fucking person so I don’t have to worry about finding a place to hide my salami.

You know, they do make shelf-stable preserved meats, too, if she must have a daily supply of nitrites.

 
 

Where does she hide the the salami to keep the rude hotel made from stealing some?

 
 

” a place to hide my salami.”

Tee hee.

 
 

“You know, they do make shelf-stable preserved meats, too, if she must have a daily supply of nitrites.”
Forget about making a rational appeal to someone who eats salami for four days because of the chance of her host making her violate her dietary restrictions serving some spahghetti.

 
 

I don’t have to worry about finding a place to hide my salami.

Why worry? You own a purse, don’t you?

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

And is she one of those Atkins jackasses? The only thing those people are good for is the proliferation of lettuce wraps. And they smell bad.

 
 

In her defense, I carry mayonnaise-based potato salad with me everywhere I go.

 
 

I carry mayonnaise-based potato salad with me everywhere I go.

Smeared liberally over your thorax?

 
 

“maid”– Thank you.

 
 

Fucking hippies and there “thoraxs”! Dr. Seuss was a Commie!

 
 

“N__B said,
July 17, 2010 at 14:45

I carry mayonnaise-based potato salad with me everywhere I go.

Smeared liberally over your thorax?”

I dab it behind my ears. Attracts men. Very strange men.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

N__B, the kind of salami I prefer is far too big to carry in my purse.

 
 

the kind of salami I prefer is far too big to carry in my purse.

Don’t use wheelie bags. People are always stepping on tripping salamis carried in those.

 
 

I dab it behind my ears. Attracts men. Very strange men.

Actor is quite verbose.

 
Baron von Hosenschlange
 

I firmly* believe that everyone should carry a four day supply of sausage with them at all times. At a minimum.

*VER

 
 

I see a fashion trend toward salami-dangling earrings. Very popular with dog owners.

 
St. Trotsky, Pope-in-Avignon
 

So… four days of salami. Are we [i]sure[/i] this woman doesn’t have some form of autism?

 
 

N__B, the kind of salami I prefer is far too big to carry in my purse.

(falls out of chair)

 
St. Trotsky, Pope-in-Avignon
 

(falls out of chair)

I believe the proper response is for one’s monocle to pop off.

 
 

(falls out of chair)

You may be malnourished. Have you eaten your RDA of salami?

 
 

if your sausage supply last for more than four days shouldn’t you be consulting a physician?

 
 

I believe the proper response is for one’s monocle to pop off.

Particularly if your nickname is “Old One-Eye.”

 
 

And is she one of those Atkins jackasses?

It’s not a diet, more like a cult.

 
 

Everyone (but Alkonholic) knows that salami is measured in inches, not days.

I thought salami days were subunits of light years.

 
Rusty Shackleford
 

You guys are always going on about the mangoes and tigers, but to see the good stuff you gotta get out of the boat sometimes. For instance, do you know why the lighting in hotel bathrooms is so dim? It’s not because the hotel saves money that way. It’s because of algore.

 
Rusty Shackleford
 

Also, judging from the comments and the post itself, the free market is doing a shitty job with hotels.

 
 

You know, I think commenter ManR probably meant that the bed was lower at the head than at the foot, not shorter.

Still, you gotta wonder about his claim that it the difference was 12 inches. Seems like some guys have a habit of inflating measurements, particularly in discussions involving salami.

 
 

It must be fun to be the person following her through airport security. The x-rays would be entertaining.

I’m guessing that ManR has been sleeping on those “V”-shaped beds at Virgin Hotels. On the upside, they come with their own salami.

 
 

Well, it’s barely 10 am on a Saturday and now I will be haunted for the rest of the day by the thought of Alkon, crouched Gollum-like beside a dinner table, gnawing on a salami and hissing whenever the pasta bowl draws near.

Fuck you. Oh so very much.

 
 

Also, judging from the comments and the post itself, the free market is doing a shitty job with hotels.

They charge extra for the fridge because SOCIALISM.

Also, I’m a vegetarian and never take food to parties, there’s ALWAYS something- even hardcore carnivores supply side dishes. Where does she go that they only serve pasta? And where has hotels but no shops or restaurants nearby, necessitating a multi-day salami supply?

 
 

Wait — salami is cured and air dried. It doesn’t need refrigeration.

Shit-head.

 
 

You people won’t be laughing when socialist space-mummies teletransport your hotel room to the Gobi Desert and you find yourself four days’ trek away from the nearest source of air-dried meat products.

 
Progressive Center-left Grrrl Voice of Truth
 

You may be malnourished. Have you eaten your RDA of salami?

If not, we’ll send by a technician to jam it down your throat.

Also, you do have to wonder if (a) the salami thing is a joke or (b) if Alkon is subtly outing hirself as a transsexual, sorta an “advice goddess with salami” kinda thing.

 
 

WTF is wrong with pasta?

Pasta is the Jew of Atkins food Fascism.

 
 

Real Americans would carry beef jerky. While it lacks the exciting form factor of salami, it fits conveniently in glove compartments, handbags and vest pockets.

 
 

Wait — salami is cured and air dried. It doesn’t need refrigeration.

Well, you know the old saying: Cold salami, warm heart.

He ought to have checked the guest register.

For Bedouins. They come in the night and take the heads off beds, and in the morning they’re long gone.

 
 

I firmly* believe that everyone should carry a four day supply of sausage with them at all times. At a minimum.

That’s why George Reker had to hire a professional luggage carrier from Rentboy.com. Four days worth of sausage is heavy.

 
 

You can also get tiny individually wrapped soppressata, landjäger, etc that don’t need refrigeration before they are opened and would be consumed in one sitting, which would obviate the need for the 10$ fridge and also taste better than what I bet she’s getting.

 
 

I want my pata negra and I want it cold!

 
 

“He’s actually lost weight on the campaign trail (now that’s a strategy for winning the female vote).”

Um, WHAT?

 
 

Where the hell was that guy staying? The Hotel R’lyeh?

 
No-Visible-Means
 

I love hotels esp. when the humongous bed is 12 inches shorter at the head than the feet and no one can deal with it.

PROTIP: Always, always,always tip the doorman after he helps you with the bags. Otherwise, the doorman will give the deskclerk, “the wink”, and the clerk will assign you to the room with the bed that has had the legs sawn off at the headboard. Oh, and tip the maids too ya cheap bastard.

 
 

Salami? Salami? Great. So she eats the salami, then either (a) pops a curiously strong Altoid*, or (b) doesn’t. Then she gets on the elevator, or turns to her dinner partner, or informs someone that he or she is being rude, and she does it with salami breath or (oh lord) Altoid-infused salami breath.

Surely there is a better way to avoid evil pasta.

Is that why her teeth are so dingy? Jeepers, my teeth are not Hollywood perfect (pretty healthy, but not pretty pretty), but presumably she has more money than I do, thus more self-respect and more intrinsic value, and is capable of doing something about the color of her teeth.

*Altoid. Alkon. Coincidence? Or incredibly wealthy heiress?

 
Rusty Shackleford
 

Pasta is the Jew of Atkins food Fascism.

Isn’t it the Hitler of Atkins food fascism?

 
 

Where does she go that they only serve pasta? And where has hotels but no shops or restaurants nearby, necessitating a multi-day salami supply?

I’m thinking the rotating space station from 2001. And, now that it’s the future, she can take Eastern Airlines to go there.

 
 

Altoid-infused salami

Worst martini ever.

 
Rusty Shackleford
 

Otherwise, the doorman will give the deskclerk, “the wink”, and the clerk will assign you to the room with the bed that has had the legs sawn off at the headboard.

“Because we have been unable to meet your refrigeration needs, Ms. Alkon, we have upgraded you to the Procrustes Suite.”

 
 

A more mean-spirited Andy Rooney in drag. What a shtick.

 
 

Speak American bitches. I like pie also.

 
 

I have a crazy idea: instead of bitching about how one hotel didn’t have a fridge, you could use the power of the free market and stay in a different hotel. Just ask them if they have a place to put your salami. Or put a post up on Craigslist asking for assistance. Craigslist Los Angeles + 45 minutes = guy in a Ronald Reagan costume and a minifridge at your door, ready to help you store the salami, all for the cost of a dinged-up IKEA coffee table.

I’d have a bit more sympathy for the libertarian position if any of them seemed capable of, you know, making a couple of fucking phone calls. It might then seem more like a coherent economic philosophy and less like just another way to be an asshole.

I love hotels esp. when the humongous bed is 12 inches shorter at the head than the feet and no one can deal with it. Rested the other way, which made watching tv rather interesting.

I find great comfort in the idea of parallel universes. Black holes (of, eg. stupidity) can create temporary links between this universe and others — usually in the comments sections of Z-grade blogs — where the rules of logic, geometry and grammar are very, very different from our own. Think about it. You have to admit it explains a lot, and isn’t that what science is all about? (That, or the guy was staying at The House of Leaves B&B.)

 
 

they come with their own salami.

Who doesn’t?

 
Hysterical Woman
 

So why doesn’t she tell her host about her needs, instead of bringing her own meal?

 
 

Salami cold storage vessel, free at pretty much any hotel.

 
 

Alkoholic is showing signs of alcohol-induced dementia. Simpeton twunt needs a meeting. And a detox unit visit.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

I love hotels esp. when the humongous bed is 12 inches shorter at the head than the feet and no one can deal with it. Rested the other way, which made watching tv rather interesting.

The fact that the place was called Procrustes Bed and Breakfast should have tipped him off.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

Grrr… next time, I’ll read the comments first- well played, Derelict!

Martini? Ouzo?

 
 

tripping salamis

That sounds even better than tripping balls.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

Is that why her teeth are so dingy? Jeepers, my teeth are not Hollywood perfect (pretty healthy, but not pretty pretty), but presumably she has more money than I do, thus more self-respect and more intrinsic value, and is capable of doing something about the color of her teeth.

She wants her teeth to match her hair.

 
 

I don’t have to worry about finding a place to hide my salami.

Yeah, me neither.

(sob)

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

From J’s WaPo link:

But during a walking tour this morning of the Italian Market here, Obama ate, and ate, and ate some more. And not the hot dogs and fries that he sampled during his Pennsylvania bus tour, but good ole’ yuppie food.

Facchinelllo! I hate this bullshit, equating fine “ethnic” cuisine with “yuppie food”. I know callus-handed contadini who eat this stuff because, you know, we value fine food and spirits over flat-screens and Acuras. Mangia un cazzone, Shailagh Murray.

Oh, and as others have noted, the whole raison d’etre of salami is that drying meat out obviates the need for refrigeration.

 
 

She’s obviously lying about the salami. Alkon needs the fridge to keep a moat’s supply of dog shit wet and runny to fill the trench she digs around her hotel bed each night.

It’s also why she never uses a credit card on a room deposit.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

I think she needs the fridge to store the kidneys of “rude” people she shanks- it’s a profitable second “revenue stream”.

 
 

She needs to carry these.

http://www.blindrobin.com/

 
 

Obviously ManR should stop staying at Procrustean Inns and Suites.

Wins the thread.

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

I’m staying out of this one.

 
 

I got carried away imagining the general circumstances of Alkon’s travel. Was she traveling for business or for pleasure? Are the hostesses who unthinkingly and relentlessly ply her with pasta family, friends, or clients?

Are they doing so out of malice, ignorance of her taste, or economy?

Why, when she travels, is she taking her meals in situations where other people exert such iron control over the menu that she must bring her own alternate food? Are her days while traveling so regimented? Are there no restaurants? No room service? Is she too cheap to pay for her own meals?

Does she eat the salami alone in her hotel room, post-function, having politely toyed with her rotini at the table, nibbling only enough to be polite? Or while dining does she pull a ziplock bag from her purse and scarf the slices down?

Does she do so modestly and unobtrusively, or does she loudly announce the reason she is unable to stomach the vile pasta forced upon her? And why do her hosts continue to foist pasta upon her without offering any relief? Is she a repeat visitor to these strange, un-accommodating hosts, or does she encounter this lack of accommodation everywhere she travels?

How many trips has Alkon taken, suffering and starving in silence, before coming up with this idea. And how is it that Alkon has settled upon salami as the perfect solution to her dilemma? Have other sources of protein been tried and found wanting? Wouldn’t those little single-serving ring-topped cans of tuna fish be more easily packed and stored? “Lunchables” anyone? Paper sealed cups of dried soup? Vaccuum sealed packets of smoked salmon?

A fascinating glimpse into the mind of Amy Alkon

 
 

Wouldn’t those little single-serving ring-topped cans of tuna fish be more easily packed and stored? “Lunchables” anyone? Paper sealed cups of dried soup? Vaccuum sealed packets of smoked salmon?

I think you’re close to finding a workable solution to Alkon’s problem. This line of thought needs to be followed to its logical conclusion.

 
 

Ah, Snor, I hadn’t thought of those!! But I wonder if Amy has already tried them and ruled them out.

I also forgot to mention jars of pickled herring or gefilte fish.

 
 

Well g, these are important questions that philosophers will be debating for ages to come. He he, I said come.

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

Vienna sausages would serve her purpose, of that I am quite sure. Nor cocktail weiners, little smokies, or anything else smaller than a summer sausage.

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

Does she pack a portable shit moat as well?

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

Argh. Would NOT serve…

 
 

gocart mozart said,

July 17, 2010 at 17:17

Speak American bitches. I like pie also.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qe-W4K6JVAw&feature=fvw
=================================

PIEr².
~

 
 

More Tim James lols. ‘Ay, caramba! I mean gangnammit!

 
 

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

PIEr².

That be furrin pie. And the pie are round you ignant moonbat!

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

Was she traveling for business or for pleasure?

I don’t think she does anything for pleasure- but I imagine she travels for spite.

 
 

“I will be haunted for the rest of the day by the thought of Alkon, crouched Gollum-like beside a dinner table, gnawing on a salami and hissing whenever the pasta bowl draws near”

win.

 
 

Dear Sadly No! Corporate Asshole,

Re: Shit Moats

I have been sadly disappointed with the lack of shit moat references on your otherwise fine blog. Shit moats should not be the exclusive province of Amy Alkon. There are many other wingnut assholes who would benefit from a gratuitious shit moat reference. For example, “Bob Owens’s mom smells like a shit moat.” or “Your mother smells like a shit moat just like Bob Owen’s mom.” I can give you many other witty rejoinders if you desire. Otherwise, keep up the good work.

Shitmoatly Yours as always,

Gocart

 
Wyatt Watts III
 

Four Days of Salami: The Amy Alkon Story

Worst. Netflix. Rental. Ever.

 
 

Wait — salami is cured and air dried. It doesn’t need refrigeration.

It does if it’s got your saliva all over it. It’d be quite a scene to watch the genteel lords and ladies Amy must obviously hang around with forking up little slivers of cheesecake while Alkon herself gnaws on a fucking giant horsecock of salami.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

I imagine that Amy has to pack extra salami because, out of a suspicion that the housekeeper would steal her food, she actually spikes one of the salamis with poison. I’ll bet she puts a sign on the fridge reading:

ONE OF THESE SALAMIS IS POISONED

and invariably returns to find a new sign:

TWO OF THESE SALAMIS ARE POISONED

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

It’d be quite a scene to watch the genteel lords and ladies Amy must obviously hang around with forking up little slivers of cheesecake while Alkon herself gnaws on a fucking giant horsecock of salami.

I imagine she unhinges her jaw and swallows the salami whole, then curls up in the corner to lapse into a torpor.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

while Alkon herself gnaws on a fucking giant horsecock of salami.

Well, that resulted in a near spit-take. (I should know better than to be drinking or eating anything while reading this site by now).

 
 

The four days of salami isn’t a lot. She just uses it as a garnish — it goes well with bagboy tartare.

 
 

Shitmoatly Yours

I’m going to sign all my correspondence with this from now on.

 
 

I don’t think she does anything for pleasure- but I imagine she travels for spite.

That is just flat-out clever and hilarious.

 
 

Four Days of Salami in a One Day Hag: The Amy Alkon Story

Fixilated.

 
 

a fucking giant horsecock of salami.

Well, it is difficult to diddle oneself with limp pasta.

 
 

I suspect Amy gets invited to pasta dinners all the time. She thinks it’s because she has freinds but the it’s really because she provides such wonderful sideshow entertainment for the other guests.

 
 

Also, too. The thought of Procrustean salami is a bit disturbing.

 
 

Well, it is difficult to diddle oneself with limp pasta.</i?

Everyone knows that the warm limp pasta is strictly for foreplay.

 
 

OT from the other day:

Somebody here insinuated that there was some sort of lack of American citizens with technical degrees, hence, the H1B program. THIS IS A LIE.

H1B is a very successful program for circumventing US labor laws. They post job listings with very weird or circumscribed qualifications so they can say that they put it out to advertising and no-one qualified responded. In fact, they get plenty of qualified applicants who are willing to work for what they’re paying.

THEY DON’T WANT TO HIRE AMERICANS. They prefer having H1B’s who can be fired AND DEPORTED on a whim. H1B’s can’t grumble about illegal pay/hours practices, bad conditions, anti-trust and other illegal actions by company. The stereotype is that they’re little robots who’ll do anything, and if they’re not, you just yank the visa.

Only certain employers want H1B’s. H1B is set up so you MUST be sponsored by employer. It is NOT a good path to citizenship for people with technical degrees. I know a UF student with an Indian passport who had to really hunt for someone who would take an H1B. At least one situation was really bad… because some of the departments specifically hired H1B’s so they could mistreat them. Others really liked her but were daunted by going through the paperwork it would require to take her on (since they had only hired non H1B’s before).

She has a green card NOW…because she married a US citizen. She cheerfully related, “Now I can just walk in and get a job at Walmart!” There’s something really fucked going on when this is a step up. (The chick has a Master’s Degree in biological sciences and is really, really smart.)

Another personal story from the other side: my father has basically been stuck working for US defense contractors as an MS in Physics. This is not his choice. But he has tried very, very hard to get other jobs only to find out that they were only hiring H1B’s. He walked right into the face of deceptive hiring practices. And he knew many, many others in his same situation who were out of work. He’s working for a defense contractor now. Why? Because security concerns pretty much force them to hire US citizens.

Next time you see a major employer (such as Microsoft) begging the government for more H1B slots, think about what they’re really asking. They’re asking for a variance around federal and state labor laws. There is absolutely no shortage of Americans with technical skills (hell, some of them are my fellow bus drivers) but the door has been barred to them for the simple fact that they know their rights.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

Lest I forget, I can’t allow an Alkon post to go by without mentioning “Mr. Vengeance” by Buddy Hickerson.

 
 

There must be a shrink out there who will verify with a note that bringing your own meats to a dinner party in case your host’s food repulses you is some sort of condition.

Dr. Laura, of course. And the “condition” would be alkonexia nervosa.

 
 

Well, it is difficult to diddle oneself with limp pasta.

You must not be trying hard enough.

 
 

“It does if it’s got your saliva all over it.”

Are you sure that sticky wetness is saliva?

 
 

Are you sure that sticky wetness is saliva?

Maggot trails.

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

and invariably returns to find a new sign:

YOUR VAG IS TOXIC?

 
 

Updated with visuals!

 
 

Er, that was me with the update.

 
 

I got carried away imagining the general circumstances of Alkon’s travel. Was she traveling for business or for pleasure? Are the hostesses who unthinkingly and relentlessly ply her with pasta family, friends, or clients?

She’s apparently at a conference, so business. This narrows her hotel choice, but means the food is probably abundant and varied, at least if it’s like any conference I ever went to.

 
 

All these hide-the-salami jokes are a bit unfair, not to mention immature. All the more so when you consider that the most likely explanation is that the refrigerator is being used to store essential prescription medicine. Do you people have any idea how quickly a hot beef injection will spoil at room temperature?

 
 

Most traveling women want their carry on “salami” vibrating and at room temperature, not chilled.

But hey, whatever floats her boat….

 
 

Please people, until you have trapped in a hotel for four days surrounded by people trying to force pasta upon you, with a bed that looks like an Escher woodcut, you should not laugh.

 
 

There’s a long-standing saw about how nobody should ever see sausage or laws made. While that saying is about the legislative process of articulating laws and is certainly true there, it is even truer in the executive branch function of deciding which laws to enforce and against or for whom. If you believe all the lawyer propaganda about the search for truth, I have a bridge I want to talk to you about. In today’s world, Law is usually just a search for political advantage as the Law School elite defines advantage.

 
 

All well and good, but where do you stand on refrigerating salami?

 
 

He’s cool with that, some might say very cool.
here ’til veal , friday the try

 
 

How many angels can stand on the head of a salami? Inquiring minds etc.

 
 

Love the new shoop.

If it’s a shoop, that is.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

What kind of weirdo takes salami wherever she goes?

I much prefer head cheese.

 
 

There is something fucking wrong with these people.

Sure, I did chorizo and bread for walking around snacks in Barcelona because I was a broke-ass college student and we went to the market every couple of days, storing leftovers in a tightly closed bag on the table.

But needing four days worth of salami and apparently being too stupid to realize that salami doesn’t exactly need to be refrigerated and bringing it from home…but needing it to be refrigerated…for makeshift dinners?…where people have already taken care of feeding your overprivileged libertarian ass…

I got nothing.

I think the response to anything she says from now on should be: “Isn’t that the crazy lady who brings 4 days of salami places in her luggage and then needs to refrigerate it because she’s scared of pasta poisoning and probably should be put down for fear that her stupid is contagious?”

Or shorter:

“Isn’t that Amy Alkon?”

 
 

I imagine she unhinges her jaw and swallows the salami whole, then curls up in the corner to lapse into a torpor.

At least this scenario mercifully omits the yacking-up-the-bones stage that follows when she has eaten a hamster.

 
 

Salami comes in many types and varieties. There is cooked salami which requires refrigeration, it is soft, slippery and slimy with flecks of fat and peppercorns usually quite prominent and comes in a variety of sizes, vacuum packed as a semi-soft shaft or in round slices. There also is Mortadella which is refrigerated also and is usually about 12 inches in diameter. A loaf of Mortadella would require a rather large refrigerator, much less a large opening into which to feed it.

I also enjoyed her reference to the poor lighting in the bathroom and the ensuing struggle it wreaked havoc on her modern-girl makeup routine. Come on Hotel People, this is not 1950! Liberated… er… I mean libertarian bitches must wear makeup!

If nothing else to distract her Freedom Loving brethren from her garlic breath.

 
 

I imagine she unhinges her jaw and swallows the salami whole, then curls up in the corner to lapse into a torpor.

At least this scenario mercifully omits the yacking-up-the-bones stage that follows when she has eaten a hamster.

It depends on the quality of the salami she buys.

 
Rusty Shackleford
 

Damn, Amy deleted my irritating comments.

 
 

Most hotels I get with that bidding service … forget the name… have refrigerators. She must have either bid $27.99 for her room, or she ended up in someplace other than a hotel. “Motel 3” maybe.

And it isn’t sausage she’s chilling. Probably a cheap ripoff brand of Ben&Jerrys.

 
 

semi-soft shaft

That’s a shame.

 
 

… maybe she ended up at a homeless shelter. That might explain the strange shaped bed; if it CAN be explained.

 
 

To be fair to AA, how many of us can honestly say that we’ve never taken along our own jar of pickled onions when attending a conference?

 
 

That might explain the strange shaped bed; if it CAN be explained.

Pol….ter….geist.

 
 

semi-soft shaft

Worst sequel EVAH.

 
 

semi-soft shaft

Worst sequel EVAH.

Shut yo mouth!

 
 

That might explain the strange shaped bed; if it CAN be explained.

I now recall a sort of long operating table, very high and in the shape of a U, with round hollows at each end. I thought that maybe it was the bed of the house’s inhabitant, whose monstrous anatomy revealed itself in this way, implicitly, like an animal’s or a god’s by its shadow.

 
 

I’m guessing “salami” is code for box of white wine.

 
 

semi-soft shaft
Is there a “Rate-a-Shag” website where women might leave feedback about ex-boyfriends and one-night-stands?
Not that I’m suggesting that we search for actor212 or anything.

 
 

Amy in comments:

But there’s really nothing around here, foodwise — we’re in the center of the business section of Toronto.

That’s right. If there’s one thing businessmen hate, it’s eating food they can claim as an expense, so there is no food in the business section of Toronto.

 
 

If there’s one thing businessmen hate, it’s eating food they can claim as an expense

Not to mention how much they hate meat.

 
 

She’s probably at the AAN conevntion. Here’s a post from the 2004 gathering: “New York Times reporter David Carr will replace The Stranger editor Dan Savage as the host of this year’s Alternative Newsweekly Awards lunch. “Carr has been on both sides of the contest, as a contestant and a judge, and, unlike Savage, he doesn’t need a bottle of whiskey and two half-naked boys to be charming and witty,” said AAN executive director Richard Karpel. “Frankly, we we’re glad Savage had a sudden ‘schedule conflict.’ The guy got so drunk he hit on Amy Alkon the last time he hosted the awards.”

 
 

Comic: This guy was so drunk…

Everyone in unison: HOW DRUNK WAS HE?

The guy got so drunk he hit on Amy Alkon the last time he hosted the awards.”

 
 

there is no food in the business section of Toronto

Be fair. You’re not taking Alkon’s worldview/parallel universe into consideration.

Doesn’t want to eat in restaurants: Tipping.

B) Can’t visit restaurants more than once. Second time she always seems to get food poisoning.

3. We are all hunter-gatherers trapped in a world we neither made nor understand. Therefore: Never enough meat!!@!

 
 

She’s probably at the AAN conevntion.

July 15-17, 2010, i.e. TOO MUCH SALAMI. Interestingly, the Hilton doesn’t seem to be located in a pasta-only zone.

 
 

July 15-17, 2010, i.e. TOO MUCH SALAMI.

You didn’t think she was going to tip the main in cash, did you?

 
 

“the maid”

 
 

there is no food in the business section of Toronto

Like the crummy lighting, this is also Algore’s fault.

 
 

Ruthless businessman: “Second prize is a set of pasta knives.”

 
 

Hmmm…. “Private Sessions with Amy,” sounds like something that would get me in big trouble with SWMBO.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

I now recall a sort of long operating table, very high and in the shape of a U, with round hollows at each end. I thought that maybe it was the bed of the house’s inhabitant, whose monstrous anatomy revealed itself in this way, implicitly, like an animal’s or a god’s by its shadow.

Borges channeling Lovecraft… well played, old shoe!

 
vaguely relevant palindrome man
 

Go hang a salami. I’m a lasagna hog.

 
 

Interestingly, the Hilton doesn’t seem to be located in a pasta-only zone.

There are three fucking steakhouses in a block-and-a-half.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

There are three fucking steakhouses in a block-and-a-half.

But how many salumerie?

 
 

“Frankly, we we’re glad Savage had a sudden ‘schedule conflict.’ The guy got so drunk he hit on Amy Alkon the last time he hosted the awards.”

Savage was just after Amy’s salami I’m sure.

 
 

There are three fucking steakhouses in a block-and-a-half.

Do fucking steakhouses specialize in tube steak?

 
 

I’m so proud! [sniff]

 
Xecky Gilchrist
 

Do fucking steakhouses specialize in tube steak?

Oh yes, they’re total meat markets.

 
 

The fact is, days are numbered for you profane, debotched and biased liberal haters of freedom. We are Taking America Back in November, and we will use your Obama Black Panther constructed prison camps to send the tiny minorite of liberals and minorites when we confiscate back the wealth you confiscated from us in 2008.

 
 

“She don’t like salami, she don’t want pastrami
She don’t want a chicken, she don’t want a roast”

 
A TYPICAL AMERICAN
 

hey you liberal idiats,dont you know that the free market rules?that you cant force socilism down my throat like gays do?we are gonna own your assses this year when real Americans the slient minority speaksup at the gpoles about small goverment.

 
 

Ugh. Go away fake trolls. If you don’t have anything nice to say about Amy Alkon shoving salami down her throat, you shouldn’t say anything at all.

 
 

I continue to get wheedling e-mails from a certain “The American Spectator” asking me to check out their website … & frankly, who could resist, with awesome writing like THIS:

They are very much in charge, and they display about the same concern for the opinions of their subjects as the kings and dictators of times gone by. And if you really want to know just how brazenly in charge they are, you will not want to miss the magnificent essay Angelo Codevilla has written for our double summer issue. His piece gives new meaning to the term tour de force—and captures the growing resistance this entrenched ruling class has inspired. The People, it would appear, are ready to be taken seriously again.

Ready or not, I’m having a bit of trouble taking you seriously when you refer to the first legitimately elected US administration of the century as “brazenly in charge” (Why, that shameless Obama even passed a financial-reform bill, right in front of the Baby Jesus & everybody – THE BRAZEN HUSSY!) or claim that a POTUS who explicitly solicits feedback from voters is on a par with Louis XVI or Idi Amin Dada … let alone calling Obama – who almost literally went from rags to riches – an “entrenched ruling class” after he replaced a guy whose Pappy was also in the White House (& whose brother Jeb also hopes to move there, once enough Yanks have forgotten the previous Bush Junta’s depredations).

Time to stop calling them wingnuts & start calling them The Queens Of Hearts, because plainly words to them mean exactly whatever they want them to mean at the moment they say them … & Dictionaries are the Mein Kampfs of liberal factism!

OTOH, I bet with a name like Angelo Codevilla, dude’s just GOT to be packing some seriously earth-shaking salami*.

——————————-
* The Salami That Shook The World – playing in theatres now!

 
 

But there’s really nothing around here, foodwise — we’re in the center of the business section of Toronto.

In this instance, she’s right. There usually is food in downtown Toronto, but, as it turns out, not this weekend. The Manchester United and Celtic fans ate it all.

 
 

I dab it behind my ears. Attracts men. Very strange men.

So Vacuumslayer is a strange attractor.

 
 

Do fucking steakhouses specialize in tube steak?

I ate there once: http://www.nyrock.com/spc/1999/maison.asp

 
 

Doesn’t want to eat in restaurants: Tipping.

In Canada?

 
 

Here is how it will go down next week. First, the results from Virginia and North Carolina will come in, and they’ll be declared for McCain. You’ll be disappointed, but “no big deal, change can’t come overnight” will be your comment. Florida will go red, and a little nervousness will creep in. The usual suspects will fall into the usual categories. As the night drags on, Ohio, Colorado, and (much to your horror) Pennsylvania will be too close to call.

My advice at this point to you will be to go to bed. You will wake up to a McCain presidency and the Great Liberal Freakout will be on.

Bookmark this, liberals, as this is exactly how it is going to go down. You will be wonder how the hell I was able to call this.

 
 

Also, too.

No salami thread is complete without…

 
 

or claim that a POTUS who explicitly solicits feedback from voters is on a par with Louis XVI

FTR, Louis XVI wasn’t really a bad guy – by all accounts he was okay with reform, he bought into Enlightenment ideas, he wanted to accomodate the people and help the country move forward. But he basically paid for the sins of his ancestors (should have been Louis XIV).

 
 

I also love the sentence about “entrenched ruling class;” I thought the whole problem with Obama is that he didn’t have any experience. That as a community organizer, he didn’t have “actual responsibilities” (like skinning moose or selling planes on eBay). That he was in over his head and too inexperienced and stupid to do any good.

Now he’s part of the “entrenched ruling class”? Which is it?

 
 

” gonna own your assses this year when real Americans the slient minority speaksup at the gpoles about small goverment.”

Is a ‘gpole’ like a ‘gstring’ or a ‘gspot?’ Is this a vibrating salami?

 
 

Say NO to Socilism!

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

I ate there once: http://www.nyrock.com/spc/1999/maison.asp

I ruled that place for a night… my buddies got me a public spanking and my “biking 20 miles a day, 60 on the weekend” ass rendered me immune to the not-so-tender ministrations of the dominatrix. Wearing novelty boxers with little bats on them also caused me to be a crowd favorite.

 
 

I also love the sentence about “entrenched ruling class;” I thought the whole problem with Obama is that he didn’t have any experience. That as a community organizer, he didn’t have “actual responsibilities” (like skinning moose or selling planes on eBay). That he was in over his head and too inexperienced and stupid to do any good.

Now he’s part of the “entrenched ruling class”? Which is it?

Apparently he’s both, now. (silly kid, logical opposites are for liberals.) Here’s a typical Free Republic comment (from the story about Obama visiting an ice cream shop in Maine with a logo that vaguely looks like the Black Panthers logo).


obama was a spoiled brat rasied by his typically white grandparents. He was given preference in education — no way “B” high school students get into Ivy League schools without a lot of pull. The islamic name helped him even more. He was even given preference by the media and in the voting booths because he’s black. The man has never accomplished anything other than living a life of priviledge.

I hope the unemployeed supporters of obama enjoy his vacation pics.

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

B^4 sed…

Oh stop – you’re getting us excited.

 
Xecky Gilchrist
 

obama was a spoiled brat rasied by his typically white grandparents.

They weren’t always white, but they were on most days.

 
 

RE: I had to pay $10 to have a small refrigerator brought up so I could keep four days of salami (which I always carry with me, in case somebody’s serving pasta or something I don’t eat). – Advice Goddess Amy Alkon
MY COMMENT: Salami? Whatever happened to ‘trail mix’.
P.S. Neither SPAM nor ‘turkey jerky’ require refrigeration. And cucumbers are shaped like a salami but have a much longer “shelf life” even without refrigeration. But I heard somewhere that it is much easier to get a Magnum® (as opposed to a Trojan™) on a large cucumber. “Nothin’ says ‘good lovin’ like a cucumber in the ‘oven'”

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

OT: mission accomplished. Awwww pics to follow.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

They weren’t always white, but they were on most days.

Well, whatever serves the wingnut narrative at any given time…

OT: mission accomplished. Awwww pics to follow.

What did you name the little sucker?

 
 

What did you name the little sucker?

Lamprey.

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

We’re still kicking around nyms. ‘Bagoas’ has been getting some use – and traction especially after the Ho’s mother was uncomfortable with it post explanation. ‘Bogie’ is also In use. Nothing settled yet.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

What did you name the little sucker?

Lamprey.

You know, I’ll be asking you this question in a few months!

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

Lamprey

That’s a moray…

*iPhone – no Unicode music symbols…

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

Artist’s conception of PM’s puppy.

 
 

it is much easier to get a Magnum® (as opposed to a Trojan™) on a large cucumber

No way, you need an XL for that.

 
 

with a bed that looks like an Escher woodcut

this really got me

 
 

*iPhone – no Unicode music symbols…


& # x 266a ;

without the spaces. 266b (♫) is good too.

 
 

Now he’s part of the “entrenched ruling class”?

Little Known Fact: every new POTUS is presented with a Ruling Class Klub Kard & a three-way entrenching tool upon entry to the Oval Office.

 
 

What did you name the little sucker?
Lamprey.
You know, I’ll be asking you this question in a few months!

Along those lines, “Remora” is my suggested name for the small __B.

 
 

One commenter notes that hotels should be avoided because they cost money. His/her advice?

“My advice is make friends in every city and stay with them.”

 
The Tragically Flip
 

She can’t find anything to eat in the 5th largest city in North America. Awesome. If you don’t know Toronto, the “business district” is about 3 blocks from the theatre district, including a swath of restaurants on King st just west of University ave.

There’s also the elaborate “PATH” underground mall system, full of food courts for the people who work in the business district.

 
The Tragically Flip
 

I’ve really being enjoying the comments here, even more than usual, and I think it comes to Krusty’s observation about why mocking Sideshow Bob was entertaining; he had dignity.

Mockery of Arkon is so much more funny than mockery of other wingnuts because she’s so staggeringly pretentious and priggish. Ordinarily her complaints about a hotel removing previously available fridges and having inadequate lighting are not wholly ridiculous things to complain of, but coming from someone as unctous as this, it’s somehow enjoyable.

 
 

So, off-topic but just curious; what’s this “BlackPantherGate” thing that has the conservatives all worked up? I keep reading the titles but am not inclined to get out of the boat, since I know I wouldn’t get any information from it anyway… and none of the legit news outlets have anything about it.

 
 

“My advice is make friends in every city and stay with them.”

Oh, sure. And THEN you won’t have any problems with being served food you don’t like.

 
 

what’s this “BlackPantherGate” thing that has the conservatives all worked up?

From what I can see here on the boat, it’s “Obama is blackity-black-black, and you know who else was black? HITLER! HUEY NEWTON!”

 
 

what’s this “BlackPantherGate” thing that has the conservatives all worked up?

Um…. back in ’08, two dusky-skinned men stood outside a polling place, one of whom was holding a billyclub.

Nobody noticed, except a couple of right wing fainthearts.

Even the Bush administration determined that it wasn’t voter intimidation. But the wingnuts are flipping out because Holder won’t prosecute an organization that doesn’t exist, even though it has “Black” in its name.

 
 

Oh, oh. The lipstick that extends beyond her actual lips. The wire in the bra. Are the ear-decorations little s

However: Nostrils well-plucked.

 
 

The New Black Panthers (Two, maybe three, one w/ a billy club.) apparently stood in front of a precinct that went about 90% for Obama, muttering things. Outrage ensues, & the sudden burst of “Look, the Obama admin. is not respecting white peoples’ rights, yada!!” makes me think the “New Black Panthers” are bee ess, as in “false flag,” if I may be so conspiratorial.

 
 

Amy carries salami with her. So she’s the one who stinks up the plane.

 
 

Add: “hitmoats?” up there.

 
 

I think you all are missing the true prize in all of this — ManR’s comment about how he dealt with the Procrustean/Escher bed: ‘Rested the other way, which made watching tv rather interesting.’

He plays it off, but there is a not so subtle undertone that sleeping backwards on a bed could well be the most adventurous thing to have ever happened in his utterly bleak life. One imagines him dashing off a letter to the wife — ‘Dearest, you will never guess what happened last night on my business trip!’ Decades later, he will smile fondly as the grandkids ask him to recount the time he dared to watch television wrong-ways up. ‘The remote buttons felt funny, like they weren’t in the right order, but that’s how it is when your head’s facing the TV where your feet ought to be … I won’t lie and say it’s a pleasant feeling, but you learn to just buck up and cope. We’re Americans, after all. It’s what we do.’ And the little ones, eyes wide with wonder, will fall asleep later that night in their beds (heads where heads should be and feet where feet should be, of course) to dream of the day when they might be so brave and resilient as dear old Grandad.

It’s enough to bring a tear to your eye.

 
 

Have a laugh.

Libertarian Futurist Society

The people who don’t live their ideology EVER have high hopes for the future.

 
 

Yup, that’s a libertarian website all right-the whole thing’s a big cash grab with the aesthetics of a W2 form. Love that icon in the upper left: looks like an album cover that even Kansas rejected, muttering “Jeez, what kind of freaks do you think we are?”

 
 

The “New Black Panthers” are the Right’s latest ACORN. I can’t wait till O’Keefe and his ‘ho girlfriend infiltrate them and take shocking videos. Heeheehee…

 
 

Son, being an enraged, profane, unmoderated, unmediated, hit-loving, trash-talking rage monkey is no way to go through life

What are you talking about, Peggy? It’s an OUTSTANDING way to get through life. If I was half as enraged, profane, unmoderated, unmediated and trash-talking as most of your colleagues, Murdoch welfare would have me set for the rest of my days.

 
 

“The Libertarian Futurist Society is a nonprofit organization that has received federal tax-exempt status. If you would like to support our activities, please consider making a tax-deductible donation. Mail donation checks, marked “donation,” to:

Libertarian Futurist Society
650 Castro St. Suite 120-433
Mountain View, CA 94041

Can the bastards survive without living off the government’s teet? We may never know unless you:

send your money to:

gocart mozart
3rd Schizophrenic on the left
1234 Main Street
Liberaltown, U.S.A.

 
 

a three-way entrenching tool upon entry to the Oval Office.

Still all about Teh Clenis, I see.

“My advice is make friends in every city and stay with them.”

Because making friends just comes so naturally for her.

 
 

Savage was just after Amy’s salami I’m sure.

We have a wiener!!

 
 

Remember that computer writing analysis thingy from the other day? I tested it with some select prose and It seems that both D. Aristophanes, Jonah Goldberg and David Foster Wallace all write the same. Who would’a thunk!?

 
 

Remember that computer writing analysis thingy from the other day?

Heh. I missed it here, but saw it somewhere else. I determined it to be a hoax when I slapped in that Sooper Sekrit Spy Ray wench from the other day and it came back as Mario Puzo, Walrus Todd Houston as Asimov and Der Loadedhosen as Lovecraft. Admittedly, Jonah’s writing is a horror unto the Old Ones themselves, but I don’t think that’s what it meant.

Somebody’s having a bit of fun with that.

 
 

Heh, justme, I punched in your last comment and you write like Isaac Asimov, or so it tells me.

 
 

Um, salami? WTF?

Though it might go well with mangoes, now that I consider it.

PS: Subway’s new “italian marinara” is disgusting. The “sausage” is mini turkey meat patties and they gave me a stomach ache. Brrrrr. Oh, and my local franchise forgot the pepperoni & tried to “toast” in a microwave. So much fail. (&all I wanted was to not cook myself for one night?)

 
 

As for Alkon, I have to wonder just what dinner parties she gets invited to. I mean, FOUR FUCKING DAYS!?!?!?!, worth of salami?

Sometimes a salami is not just a salami.

Also, auch, ich meine dass sie of summer sausage nie geheard has.

 
 

Real Americans would carry beef jerky. While it lacks the exciting form factor of salami, it fits conveniently in glove compartments, handbags and vest pockets.

I don’t think a Slim Jim quit gets a cougar like Amy Alk-anon going so much as a salami.

 
 

Pupienus Maximus said,

July 18, 2010 at 4:21

We’re still kicking around nyms. ‘Bagoas’ has been getting some use

Come here, Bagoas. Good boy!

 
 

One commenter notes that hotels should be avoided because they cost money. His/her advice?

“My advice is make friends in every city and stay with them.”

I wonder what this libertardian advises on other pressing problems of today.

 
 

The Libertarian Futurist Society is a nonprofit organization that has received federal tax-exempt status. If you would like to support our activities

These are the same creeps who think Alcor will help them live forever. They believe that non-profit status = pure motives. In other words, sheeple.

 
 

D. Aristophanes said,

July 18, 2010 at 8:29

brought a tear to my eye

 
 

Amazing. I either killed the thread or I’ve just discovered the witching hour between “late Saturday nite” and “early Sunday morning”.

Huh, that’s funny–they said none may see the witching hour and live the tell the tale and I’m stil

 
 

The Tragically Flip said,

July 18, 2010 at 7:01

Like I said, pretentious

Part of the collection: “You’re the Top: A Celebration of Glamorous Hats & the People Who Wear Them – Marking Deep Glamour’s 1st Birthday and the Birth of Downtown Fashion Walk”.

It must take a four day sized salami to penetrate the Deep Glamour.

 
 

Along those lines, “Remora” is my suggested name for the small __B.

I’m not a fan of the “Boy Named Sue” complex and Remora is a bit girly.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Fucking steakhouses, how do they work?

 
 

Remember that computer writing analysis thingy from the other day? I tested it with some select prose and It seems that both D. Aristophanes, Jonah Goldberg and David Foster Wallace all write the same. Who would’a thunk!?

The DFW result seems to be a fairly common default. However, one of Tooofies cut & paste job came back with Martin Amis.

 
 

Fucking steakhouses, how do they work?

Let’s just say that the steak gets tenderized while it’s still attached to the cow.

 
 

Fucking steakhouses, how do they work?

I saw you’ve brought this evergreen query to Jezebel.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

You stalker!

Jez was where T&U was born, actually. I haven’t posted in quite a while because the commenters are lame now, but I try to read it on the weekends because Hortense is a friend of mine and she needs the page hits. And she’s awesome.

 
 

You stalker!

HA! I was reading Gawker in the dark ages, five or six years ago.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

I was actually going back and reading my comments from a couple of years ago, which were weird out of context. God, I was a bitch, too.

 
 

God, I was a bitch, too.

Unpossible and inbelievebale.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

I know, right? Totally.

 
 

God, I was a bitch, too.

well, if you weren’t throwing rocks at small children….

 
 

if you weren’t throwing rocks at small children….

… then you’re to be commended for your display of common sense.

Those little buggers are disgustingly awesome at dodging projectiles!

Start on teh olds – at least until you get a good pitching arm.

 
 

As someone with serious food allergies, I have nothing but contempt for picky eaters.

Obviously carrying around several pounds of salami is a hilarious solution, but I’m still not seeing the problem. So she’s on a diet? Eat less. Avoiding certain foods as if you’re allergic to them is the action of a crazy person.

And yeah, I’ve never carried around emergency backup food either. I have nice, non-perishable cash, which can be used to procure all sorts of lovely food.

 
 

As Mistress Hillary continued to perform her handiwork, I noticed that my wife Pumpkin was observing her the way a bush-league batter might look upon a major slugger for tips. This is when I decided to ask for the check.

Hee hee. Wuss.

 
 

My heart broke when that restaurant closed. No more blushing out-of-town businessmen asking for directions to the “May son de char day.”

 
 

One commenter notes that hotels should be avoided because they cost money. His/her advice?

“My advice is make friends find suckers in every city and stay with mooch off them.”

Fixed.

 
 

And regarding saying I need the fridge for medication, I committed to being an ethical person a while back, so I don’t get to do that sort of thing.

*VODKASPIT*

WHAT?????

Mister “I’m going to out every person who ever gets my dander up?”

ARNOLD ALKON? ETHICAL?

I’m going to have to quit drinking. The world is about to end.

 
 

Every single aspect of this is just further proof that this person is completely batshit insane, and I realize pointing this out is beyond obvious, but the one detail I can’t get over is that she measures salami in days. And she determined that this particular outing required 4 days worth of salami–salami that she didn’t plan on eating unless somebody offered her something she doesn’t like. What the fuck does a 4 day supply of salami look like? And why do you need to refrigerate it anyway, you idiot? It’s salami! If you like salami so much that it is your default alternative to everything you don’t like to eat, then you know that it doesn’t need to be refrigerated. And what the fuck do you do when you’re at a friend’s house and they serve pasta? You pull 1 day’s worth of salami out of your (presumably cavernous) purse, and start gnawing away at it? Honestly, this Alkon post may haunt me for years. I don’t see ever being able to fully get over it.

 
 

And she determined that this particular outing required 4 days worth of salami

Four days would burn out her vibrator batteries.

 
 

I See Dude, People

 
 

I See Dude, People

Yea, but try telling Arnold that, DA….

 
 

Wasn’t the entire point of salami that you don’t need to refrigerate it, and you can just keep it at room temperature in your run-down tugurio for ten years and then eat it and it’s just as “good” as it was when it finished curing?

Also, I think it’s a bit odd to carry salami with you in case someone wants you to eat pasta, but not as odd as it is to admit this in print. Also too and such as, it’s 2010 — are people still doing Atkins?

 
 

I’m being “retro”.

 
Elizabeth Sanchez
 

Really? 200-something comments about what food someone chooses to travel with? That’s what I get for clicking links when looking for more info on a racist comment. Back to HuffPo I go.

 
 

The New Black Panthers (Two, maybe three, one w/ a billy club.) apparently stood in front of a precinct that went about 90% for Obama, muttering things

Entertaining this preposterous story for one second, how exactly did this influence voters to change how they filled out their secret ballots? Or is part of the theory that the faux-panthers got to read all the ballots, followed the McCain voters home and TP’d their shit moats?

 
 

That’s what I get for clicking links when looking for more info on a racist comment.

God knows you wouldn’t be looking for comedy, true.

 
 

Entertaining this preposterous story for one second, how exactly did this influence voters to change how they filled out their secret ballots?

Because the precinct was in Crackertown, Pennsylwhiteboy, silly!

 
 

“Really? 200-something comments about what food someone chooses to travel with? That’s what I get for clicking links when looking for more info on a racist comment. Back to HuffPo I go.”

How very Alkonesque of you. You’re looking for info on some unspecified racist comment, but for some reason you click on a story that has nothing to do with racism whatsoever. Then, after scrolling through the comments, you get upset that there are so many of them, and that they have nothing to do with the topic that you’re looking for.

So apparently HuffPo has a unique way of organizing their stories, which allows you to randomly click unrelated links in order to find exactly what you’re looking for?

 
 

Their search engine is so optimized that it returns the correct answer even if you enter the wrong search terms. How is this possible? Cloud computing.

 
 

First Bruce, now Elizabeth. This is heart-breaking. I weep bitter tears*.

*goofed up on hop balls.

 
 

After noticing this Alkon comment…

“But there’s really nothing around here, foodwise — we’re in the center of the business section of Toronto.”

…I posted a link to Yelp’s lengthy list of restaurants for Toronto’s financial district, and for good measure noted that salami doesn’t need to be refrigerated. No snark, just a link and a helpful factoid. My post lasted less than hour before being deleted.

 
 

“But there’s really nothing around here, foodwise — we’re in the center of the business section of Toronto.”

First, “we”?

You’re stranded in a major metropolitan city in North America, with nightlife, culture, bars and yes, lots of restaurants, AND YOU SPEND TIME WITH ARNOLD ALKON????

Second, that would certainly explain why there are so many starving Torontonian bankers begging for loose change on the Gardiner Expressway.

 
 

love hotels esp. when the humongous bed is 12 inches shorter at the head than the feet and no one can deal with it.

One could of course deal with it by *turning the bed around*. The most that would take is some sort of he-man labor. No libertarian should have a problem with that, right?

Woo.

 
 

Or is part of the theory that the faux-panthers got to read all the ballots, followed the McCain voters home and TP’d their shit moats?

Shit Moat is now the official name of my next electronica boy band.

 
 

Backup Sausage might be a better boy band name.

 
 

I thought Amy carried her salami in her pants?

 
amy alkon is a sick joke
 

You should investigate what Amy Alkon pays her worker. The worker, a mentally deranged woman named Stef Willen, claims to write all the drivel for Alkon for peanuts, so maybe it’s Stef Willen who deserves the hate for all the awful crap Alkon claims to have written through the years.

 
 

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