Two-Minute Townhall
There’s a time to fuck and a time to crave, but the Shah sleeps in Lee Harvey’s grave.
Shorter Jonathan Garthwaite: As editor-in-chief, I invite you to behold for yourself our extensive array of bells and whistles.
Shorter Thomas Sowell: I read a magazine article about Teddy Roosevelt, which made me wistfully nostalgic for the days of industrial capitalists, robber barons, monopolies and child labor.
Shorter Jacob Sullum: As a libertarian, I urge you to take up smoking.
Shorter Walter Williams: No one can solve the educational problems that black people confront except black people and white mayors.
Shorter Mike S. Adams: You know how that one T-shirt says “Diversity” and has all those handguns on it? That T-shirt is pretty cool.
Shorter Kathleen Parker: If we don’t restore boys to their educational primacy, our species will eventually die out because women cannot find suitable mates.
Shorter Jonah Goldberg: Egotistical journalists are very arrogant when they insult conservatives for meekly suggesting that perhaps the media ought not reveal secrets that are damaging to national security.
Shorter Paul Greenberg: The prisoners at Guantanamo Bay remain in legal limbo because the Supreme Court told the president what he can’t do with them, without recommending what he should do.
Shorter Rich Lowry: No one can solve the violence problems that black people confront except black people and white mayors.
Shorter John McCaslin: I read several newspaper items that fit neatly within my worldview.
Shorter Roger Schlesinger: Nice blog! Very original & interesting content. You may also want to check out this resource on home mortgages.
Shorter John Leo: I will not be swayed by evidence that undermines my cherished belief in an educational crisis among boys.
I’ve got to go with my main man, Prof. Dr. Mike S. Dr. Adams, Ph.D. (Did you know he has a Ph.D.?)
The original piece reads like “Consumer Reports” for people in fortified compounds and the closing lines are a thing of wackjob beauty:
Of course, all of these handguns will be helpful if we ever have to expel the U.N. from Manhattan. In case they don’t, let the great American tradition of gun collecting continue. And let the Utopian Marxists beware.
Yeah, if the U.S. ever has to remove the United Nations from our shores, I’m sure the assault won’t be led by the 101st Airborne, but rather by a collection of middle-aged Barcaloungers armed with Glocks and a sense of righteous Lou Dobbsian fury.
And who are the Utopian Marxists? Sounds like a softball team made up of poli-sci grad students.
Of course, all of these handguns will be helpful if we ever have to expel the U.N. from Manhattan. In case they don’t, let the great American tradition of gun collecting continue. And let the Utopian Marxists beware.
“In case they don’t”? In case who doesn’t do what?
The only plural, 3rd-person noun for “they” to reference in the previous sentence is “handguns”. In case “these handguns” don’t…”be helpful”? WTF?
What is Prof. Dr. Mike Adams, PhD, a Dr. Professor of, exactly? And please tell me it is NOT English. Or Journamilism. Or any kind of topic that falls under the subject area of “Communications”.
Yes, these gun-toting, freedom-loving folks are the only thing standing between us as tyranny. After all, the Bush administration has claimed that it can suspend constitutional rights for Americans, round up and lock away anyone it wants to indefinitely, ignore any law that it feels impinges on its unfettered power during “wartime” and the gun owners have been outspoken in their calls to protect us from this dictatorial regime. Thank goodness they are here to protect us!
What? They haven’t? They’ve been SUPPORTING the tyrannical executive? Oh. Well, never mind. At least we are free from the UN’s black helicopters, which they will shoot down. US black helicopters they will help land.
Oh, Dorothy, it’s so much worse than communications: Mr. “Gun-Toting Vigilantes Should Chase Out the UN and You Liberals Are Next” is a professor of criminology.
Doh! Joke nick bites me in the ass!
The UN’s helicopters are blue.
What, no John Stossel?
Shorter Mike Adams: There are so many ways to compensate for having a tiny penis.
Thanks for the correction D. Sidhe. So the helicopters we should fear and the people we should fear are brown. Got it.
Not often you get a Butthole Surfers quote in blog post about the loonies at Townhole. (Let’s see you uncoolies figure out what it is.)
Do you suppose Mike Adams is writing in wingnut coded language when he discusses all the animals these handguns are useful against? Squirrels, foxes, raccoons, armadillos, coyotes, hogs…. Maybe he goes hunting with pistols, maybe he lives in a place where the wildlife is particularly thuggish, whatever. But it just seems like he’s sending secret messages to an audience of nutbags: “If you’re going to kill Jews, you want this gun, but if your target is Mexicans, you should use that one.”
The link to Stossel’s column is busted, D. I may do an update later on, though.
Shorter Roger Schlesinger is declared the Winner!!
And who are the Utopian Marxists? Sounds like a softball team made up of poli-sci grad students.
Those guys have a chip on their shoulder because they keep losing to their archrivals, the Dystopian Hegelians. But they’re susprisingly confident that, given enough time, things will come around on their own.
Yay! Two-Minute Townhall! I’m gonna have to go with John McCaslin over Kathleen Parker for sheer vacuousness this time, though. I think my appreciation of her has gone to her head. Tough love, people!
“Dystopian Hegelians”
God I love philosophy jokes, but then again who doesn’t? Reminds me of M. Python’s “philosophers soccer game” sketch.
Apparently, according to Thomas Sowell, dreadful factory conditions weren’t attributable to the rise of industrial capitalism. Despite, y’know, large-scale factories not even existing before the rise of industrial capitalism.
He does actually have a point that poverty and child labour existed before the onset of industrial capitalism (although child labour was far less dangerous in the era of cottage industries compared to the whirling machines of death that were part of the Industrial Revolution), but that doesn’t mean much, since the mere fact that something existed beforehand doesn’t give you an excuse to say it’s alright.