Two-Minute Townhall

Boys say, “When is he gonna give us some room?” Girls say, “God, I hope he comes back soon.”


Shorter Megan Basham: Although the new Superman movie neglects the third clause of the superhero’s promise to protect “truth, justice and the American way,” the filmmakers make up for thir oversight by employing some obvious comparisons to Christ.

Shorter Cal Thomas: Freedom of speech is a nice idea, in theory. But then, so is prosecuting reporters for treason.

Shorter Jonah Goldberg: The media undermine efforts to protect national security by exposing secret programs that most Americans already assume are in operation.

Shorter Ben Shapiro: Our flag is not merely a piece of cloth, but the Constitution is simply a piece of paper with some lofty words written on it.

Shorter Linda Chavez: It’s time to purge our government of officials who harm national security with their disloyalty to the president.

Shorter Cam Edwards: Thanks to brave Americans like John Bolton, the UN won’t be taking your guns just yet. To learn more, tune in to my radio program.

Shorter Michelle Malkin: Journalists commit their treachery by exploiting weaknesses built into the Constitution.

Shorter Brent Bozell: The media should report both sides of the WMD controversy, and let viewers make up their own minds.

Shorter Terence Jeffrey: Oh, don’t go get me wrong. They’re fine people, they’re good Americans. But they’re content to sit back, maybe debate a flag-burning amendment, maybe consider a gay marriage ban. They’re good, fine people, Stuart. But they don’t know what the Mexicans are doing beneath the soil.

Shorter Tony Blankley: If we nuked Iraq, we’d gain the early exit craved by limp-wristed Democrats and the triumphant victory demanded by Republicans.

Shorter John Stossel: All discrimination lawsuits are as farcical as the one brought by the man who didn’t get hired at Hooters.

Shorter Kathleen Parker: Many Republicans, including a Congressman, have accused the New York Times of treason but, on the other hand, some liberals out there have said that Bush is evil. I’ll just wait here, above the fray, until someone with a cool head comes along to rescue us.

Shorter Alan Reynolds: As a libertarian, I think it’s outrageous that Michigan would bar pot smokers from legally driving.


Comments: 36


Ooh this was an extra good one. The Terrence Jeffrey Shorter made me spew soda.


“… They’re building landing strips — for gay Catholics! I swear to God!”

You know what, Sully? I like you. You’re not like the other Tories here, around this place.


That “Stuart” conceit works for almost any column about illegal immigration. I’ve used it maybe four, five times. And it never gets old (not to me, at least).


It also works for other topics, as WB so skillfully illustrates.


Shorter Ben Shapiro wins my vote. I don’t know law, but I know what I like.


Dude! You quoted one of the best country songs of all time that came from the ’80s, Rosanne Cash’s “Seven Year Ache”. You’re now the most awesomest blogger ever, at least until someone else quotes a country song from the ’80s. No one else seems to appreciate it.

Anyhow…no suprises from Townhall. Ever, it seems.


[Quote (Bozell)]
After badgering administration officials for several months, the government gave the legislators a declassified memo stating that some 500 weapons of mass destruction have been found by coalition forces in Iraq, mostly sarin and mustard-gas agents, some of which “remain hazardous and potentially lethal.”
[End Quote]

Wow… some of those Weapons of MASS DESTRUCTION remain hazardous! Incredible!

I’d never forgive myself if someone got a nasty burn or something. Let’s invade.


Man, is Stossel going on about the Hooters case again? Jesus. Is he just rerunning old columns and hoping nobody’ll notice? First the price gouging thing, then the lynx fur, now this? Can we expect him to take another shot at organic foods?

Personally, I love people who sue McDonald’s over their weight and the like. I always want to ask, though apparently reporters don’t want to ask, who’s paying the bills? My guess is it’s the tobacco lobby or the tort reform guys.


D. Sidhe – I am just waiting for him to complain about Presidential perks, like Clinton holding up LAX while he gets a haircut on Air Force One. THAT NEEDS TO BE INVESTIGATED.

I love the idea of the tort reform lobby actually paying the bills for the ridiculous lawsuits.


Hee hee. For some reason, I always find the Shorter Kathleen Parker absolutely sidesplitting. I’m sure that says something about me. Thanks Travis!


The American flag does not represent the nonexistent right of traitors to desecrate the stars and bars.

Your Freudian slip’s showing, Ben.


Tort reform is one of those issues on which we’ve been totally outflanked by Teh R1gh7. It just sounds like good common sense – how can those lazy moochers want McDonald’s to pay for their own stupid mistake?!

Alas, Negative! Most large settlements are like the hot coffee case – they get settled for far less than the initially reported amount. (Also, in the case of the hot coffee: not only was it settled for far less, but it was an elderly woman and she had third degree burns.)


The pleasure’s all mine, Gentlewoman. Doesn’t it seem like Parker’s schtick pretty much goes, “I hate to gossip, but…” filled in with some misleading or outrageous details, and topped off with, “But what do I know, I’m just a girl (tee-hee)?”


How the hell did vBen ever pass con law? His interpretations would have earned him another semester with my professor.

I also employ the Stuart argument whenever it’s possible regarding homosexuality. However, on one occasion one person thought I was telling the truth and was truly interested in hearing how the homosexuals and their gay martian allies were ruining America for him and his 16 oz Coors drinking trailer park brethren.


Rosanne Cash??????


I’ve got to go with Ben Shapiro. His columns are somehow hilarious and sad at the same time, like the suicide of a clown.


And by the way, that Dead Milkmen reference gets you a coolness hall pass for the rest of the summer. Use it wisely, my friend.


Ben in VA – the other thing about the coffee lawsuit that always gets left out is the bit about how McD’s, at that time, had a practice of brewing their coffee amazingly-dangerously-hot so they could keep pots around longer and brew fewer of them. So amazingly-dangerously hot that many McD’s employees burnt themselves badly on it, and settled quietly out of court instead of suing.

It boiled down to (woo! pun!) the fact that McD’s _knew_ that its coffee was too hot, but that it was continuing the practice anyway. This woman happened to get a cup in the lap, and got burnt.

Just the other day, some of the folks here at my office were talking about this, and basically said, “hey dummy, of course it’s hot! It’s coffee!”

I explained the whole deal about the amazingly-dangerously-hot-ness of the coffee. They immediately switched to, “Then why did she have it in her lap? Woman driver! Probably putting on eye makeup and not paying attention!”

I gave up talking to them at that point.


Ah, Strange Forces, people like that that push every fucking button I have. They know enough to contradict the decision of those who actually sat in the courtroom, but don’t even know she wasn’t driving, her grandson was, and had pulled over. Sure, she shoudn’t have had it in her lap, but that was taken into account and the judgment was reduced accordingly, and frankly the fact that she received THIRD DEGREE BURNS should tell them all they need to know.


It is not a noble sentiment to indulge in, but every time I see the name “Stossel” I rush back to this clip which someone here brought to my attention a few days ago.

Does anyone think that that assault is at the root of Stossel’s brain damage?


er…this clip


I’m finally beginning to understand the charm of the “shorter,” and this crop is what did it. Cal Thomas and vBen were especially good.


That’s what I said, Rosanne Cash. Could be an entirely different song, of course – and knowing these heatherns, it is – but I prefer to think he was quoting “Seven Year Ache” by John R.’s daughter and country music’s Queen of Bad Modern Relationships.


“Seven Year Ache” and “Stuart” in the same post?

The Force is strong in this one.


I prefer to think he was quoting “Seven Year Ache� by John R.’s daughter and country music’s Queen of Bad Modern Relationships.

God I hope he comes back soon.


Could you start putting Mallard Fillmore and Prickly City in the “Shorter” series?

I think that would be funny.

But I am easily amused.

Shorter Mallard Fillmore: Liberal Cavemen hated America.

Shorter Prickly City: Look at me! I make fun of both sides! Even though I don’t.


Definitive Ben Shapiro line:
That is why the First Amendment does not protect flag burning, just as it does not protect lap dances, sodomy, public nudity or child pornography. All of these may be labeled “expressive speech.”

Hey, Ben. Do you know what the difference between sodomy and conversation is…?


if SN is taking requests, I request more fake Day by Days.


I don’t smoke the “weed.” Why would you attack someone who feels that it is wrong to pull someones license 3 days after they have a toke? Reynolds’ piece seemed to be right on the money and showed how these “activist” judges are writing laws that they deem to be fit. One more example of the “Puritans” trying to get total control of the country.


Aye, it is a good song. I like her voice… I just never expected to see her lyrics in a lib blog… it’s like, um, country music… lol

Does Travis line dance as well? 😛


No, I don’t line dance, but I have ridden the mechanical bull at Gilley’s.

And speaking of mechanical bulls … Bronco, I do all the columns that come out on Wednesday (except for Ann Coulter’s, which usually don’t post until after I’ve been drinking or go to ballgames or whatever I do in the evenings), so I’m not necessarily picking on this Alan Reynolds fellow, or his point today. I’m just keeping up a personal challenge I started a few months ago to read every Wednesday Townhall column this year – and the amendment to said promise, after that whole libertarian thing a couple of weeks ago.


Roseanne Cash is /genuine/ country, unlike, say, everything out of Nashville. Real country isn’t afraid to namecheck Collette.

I also recommend James McMurtry.


Ah yes, SF & tigrismus – I had forgotten some of the other details. I think the policy is what got them in trouble – had they merely made a mistake and brewed it a bit too hot, that would be one thing.

But reality has a well known liberal bias.


In order to nuke Iraq, wouldn’t we have to, y’know, leave first?


I saw “Superman Returns” Tuesday night, and was just “meh.” about it. It’s OK, but not astonishingly wonderful. The biggest problems are 1.) The Kid subplot. This was simply a huge mistake, particularly if they make further sequels. It’ll just be an awful drag on the series. 2.) Lex Luthor. In following the blueprint of the Richard Donner films so closely, the new one also resurrects many of the most glaring flaws of the earlier films. One of the most awful things about the ’78 Superman is that Lex Luthor is not presented as a serious villain, but instead play for camp humor. Frankly, the definitive Luthor has been in the animated Superman/Justice League shows. I hated Gene Hackman in the ’78 version, and I hated Kevin Spacey nearly as much in this one. 3.) In a related complaint, there’s no one for Superman to fight. If he punched Luthor, it’d take his head off. So, where’s someone like the Parasite, Metallo, Darkseid, Bizzarro, Brainiac, or gawd help us Doomsday that Superman can actually hit? As it stands, Supes does some feats of strength, but none of those comes close to a good old fashioned knock-down, drag-out fight in the excitement department. They might want to think about putting one in the next movie.


Man, Stossel put the lie to his own argument in that column:

“Show me women who want to sell lawn mowers but are being required to sell cosmetics instead — or men who want to sell cosmetics but have to sell lawn mowers — and we have grounds for discussion. But if the women choose the cosmetics counter, any discrimination is their own.”

Which is exactly the point. There are men who want to work as waitresses at Hooters and aren’t allowed. And as long as they want to bill themselves as a nice family restaurant, rather than the sleazy sex bar that they are, they should be treated the same as Dennys or Applebees, which would both be deep in the shit if they refused to hire male servers.


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